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Sirius leaned against the wall and watched Severus Snape. It was a pastime he had taken on over the last few weeks, one that he knew was shameful, but he still couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t stop staring at the man whose hair was as black as midnight and skin so pale it was nearly see-through. This was the man they used to harass when they were school children, yet he talked to Remus about some stupid magical theory as if they were friends; their quiet conversation boomed through Sirius’ skull like a drum beat. It was as if they liked each other. As if the mark on Snivellus’ arm didn’t matter because he switched sides to save his own stupid neck. That had to be why he switched sides because Snape wasn’t brave; he was a coward, and that’s all he would ever be.
Lily shifted closer to Snape, smiling at him like they shared some inside joke that no one else was a part of. Baby Harry was sitting on her lap, gumming on a stuffed owl without a care in the world. A small part of Sirius knew that they would have lost all of this without Snape, but it still did not remove his distrust towards the Slytherin. How could he be expected to trust this man if he did not trust his brother?
Neither James nor Lily had an answer for such things. They only insisted that they trusted Dumbledore and what he had said about Snape and Peter. Pettigrew, the man who had been their friend since they were all children, had turned on them. He had planned on helping You-Know-Who kill the Potters, frame Sirius himself, and other things. Or at least it was what the bunch of them claimed, though he still did not know whether he truly believed it. Sirius trusted James with his life, even more so than Remus, but this was a little too far for even him.
The whole situation was preposterous; Lily handed Snape her baby, and Harry reached up for the man’s nose. Snape shifted the child in his arms uncomfortably, but there was no malice in the man. It only seemed that he had little experience with babies. James should be pulling his son away from the Slytherin, yet he said and did nothing. Instead, the man simply smiled as if everything was as right as rain. Remus looked over at Sirius for just a moment, but he looked away and started a conversation with Alice, who sat on the floor holding her son Neville. Frank fiddled with the wireless, which caused the room to be filled with ghastly Christmas music sung by Celestina Warbeck. Sirius gritted his teeth; he wanted to shout from the rooftops just how wrong this whole mess was, but he didn’t.
The Potter home was filled with his closest friends and a blazing fire as it was nearly Christmas. Various carpets covered the wood floor making the room comfortable. This home was Sirius’ safe place, but Severus Snape, the little snake, was at the centre of it all, laughing and smiling as if he was one of them. He fit in with this crowd of people as he had been a part of their group for a decade and not merely a few weeks.
As if he belonged.
It made Sirius’s blood boil, but he knew he would only be the odd man out if he said anything. He would not be grateful for all that Snivellus had done for them. There was the fact that he had risked his neck for them, but Sirius knew he must have a reason beyond the one he claimed. They said it was because he and Lily had once been friends, and he couldn’t let anything happen to her, but what kind of man would risk his life for someone who had merely been a friend long ago? The same woman that had turned away from him for calling her a horrible name?
What kind of man would leave all those he called friends betraying them to protect one single person?
Sirius tried his best to ignore the sharp reminder that he and James had also been a part of that mess. They, too, had pushed Lily Evans to her very limits and how lucky they had been that it was Snape she snapped at that day. How lucky that they had been the ones that stripped Snape out of his clothing and flipped him upside down; what a glorious prank it had been! The Slytherin had been ashamed of a girl protecting him, but that was the past and should be forgotten.
Sirius slipped out of the room and made his way to the kitchen. It wasn’t as if any of them were paying attention to him. He might have been a ghost for all they knew. They were far too interested in their saviour to care what their friend was doing.
Merlin, he thought bitterly, sighing through tightly gritted teeth as his fingernails dug into his palms, I need a drink.
Sirius could feel him before he saw him. Snape was like a ghoul who swept across the floor. There was a darkness that seemed to hang around him like a cloak, pressing out from the corners of his very soul. Sirius knew far too much about people like Snape; he had been raised by two of them. Snape was quiet besides the harsh puffs of his breath that filled the room with the tobacco and spearmint, a scent that invaded Sirius’ nose. He tried to do his best to ignore him, to ignore the wretched man who had taken over every bit of safety and security that Sirius had ever had, stealing the people who had become his second family as if they were merely toy blocks. He couldn’t tolerate this anymore. Sirius couldn’t pretend that he was okay with all of this. He couldn’t just turn off how he felt about this man. He could no longer pretend that he didn’t hate the very sight of him.
If Snape would switch sides once, he would surely do it again if it would save his own rotten neck.
“What do you want?” Sirius snapped. “Why are you here acting as if everything is fine when–”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Black. Because from where I am standing, the only one with a problem is you.” His dark eyes flashed as he said that with something that reminded Sirius of the wretched boy this man had once been. A sharp reminder of why he felt the way he did.
“Of course you do,” Sirius hissed, feeling slightly unhinged. “You come in here acting as we have never done anything to you and as if it’s all just water under the bridge. As if you just wanted to keep us all safe and act like everything is fine.”
Severus was backed against the kitchen counter; his shoulders turned inward as if he were trying to fold in on himself. His black eyes were downcast, and his pale face was pinched. The man towered over him, yet Snape was fragile in a way that Sirius just couldn’t put his finger on. Even still, he knew he shouldn’t be thrilled by it, that he shouldn’t enjoy making the man uncomfortable, but it was Snape , the Slytherin git, and this was just like old times.
Sirius missed the old times.
“The only one who thinks there is something wrong is you ,” Severus said, pulling himself up and staring into Sirius’ eyes. “People change; just because you’re not capable of such actions doesn’t mean that I am not. I’m only here because Lily asked me to come, nothing more and nothing less. So what’s your problem, Black? Because the only one who can’t seem to move on is you.”
“How dare you?” How dare you ask as if none of this matters?”
“It doesn’t matter, Black,” Severus muttered, trying to wiggle away from him but failing to do so. “No matter how much you think it does.”
Someone grabbed onto the back of his shirt; someone was pulling him off of Snape, and that someone was James.
“What in Merlin’s name do you think you’re doing?” James growled, shaking Sirius. The man’s hazel eyes blazed with a fury that made Sirius shiver. James wasn’t like this, at least not normally, not with him. “He’s done nothing to you, not a bloody thing, and you’re acting like this?”
“He–he–he,” Sirius pandered on, desperately hoping to find some word that would land its mark and would get through to James.
“Have you lost good sense?” Lily asked, slipping into the room with baby Harry on her hip. She reached for Snape, pulled him close, and kissed his cheek. There is a softness between them, a softness that made Sirius’ blood boil. “Sirius, we love you, but I will not tolerate such behaviour in my home. Severus belongs here; he is a part of this family. You know that. We told you–”
Sirius tuned her out; whatever Lily said didn’t matter. None of it mattered.
Snape smiled at him; he smiled at Sirius, showing off his yellow crooked teeth like the cat who had gotten the bloody cream. Sirius hated him. No, he despised Snape; yet Sirius stood there and saw Severus Snape between James and Lily, fitting between them as if he had always belonged there. James held Snape onto him as if he was a precious thing. As if he loved him. As if they both loved him, and he felt the same for them.
How in Merlin’s name?
It was astonishing; as strange as it was, Sirius Black realised there wasn’t a thing he could do
about it. Sirius was shifting, changing, his human limbs becoming that of a dog.
This was easier.
This was safer.
This was better.
Sirius barely noticed the glass shattering around him as he leapt through the large bay window. Remus was screaming, but it did not matter. He allowed himself to escape into the mind of the dog, forgetting all the things that didn’t matter and all the people he so desperately wanted to forget.