Chapter Text
Sara Logan is sixteen the first time N7 really means something to her. Fresh off the shuttle from Brain Camp, battling one hell of a migraine, she wants nothing more than to take refuge in a cool, dark room and forget the world. Instead, she finds a pair of bouncing five-year-olds scampering about her feet. Her twin, Everett tries to head them off with little success, but then her mother’s husband silences the little ones with a sharp word. Sara winces, knowing it’s her fault, but Alec Ryder puts an arm around her shoulders, and then the other behind her knees. Before she realizes what’s happened, he’s carrying her. Surprisingly gentle for someone she’d always thought so severe.
“They sent word ahead,” he says, his gravelly voice barely more than a whisper. “Migraines. Can’t say I’ve had the dubious pleasure. N7s are supposed to work through anything…”
In her pain, she isn’t sure what he’s getting at; wants to tell him, I’m not N7, so let me curl up in a ball and cease to exist. Whether she can’t bring herself to speak, or is simply unable at that moment, she says nothing. The next day, when her head is clear but for a faint throbbing – the reminder that she’d had a migraine – she’s glad she didn’t. In his own, awkward way, Alec was admiring her perseverance, how she walked out of the shuttle on her own power, tentative though her steps had been.
N7s are supposed to work through anything, he’d said, but he’d left his sentence unfinished: N7s are supposed to work through anything, but what you’ve got might’ve given me pause.
In that moment, for the first time since she’d met him seven years earlier, she loves him. He isn’t her biological father… but he’s more of a dad than hers ever was.
~~~
“I know your step-dad.”
It’s the first indication Sara gets of exactly what basic training will be like, and it hasn’t even started yet. Just on the shuttle to fly there, and already they’re teaching her: there will be no secrets. Her name is Logan, but they know she’s connected to Alec Ryder. If she grows close with someone, they’ll know it. If she leans on Everett more than she should, they’ll split them up. She hopes in silence that Ev will understand this too. She’s lived with her twin for eighteen years; she’d rather not find out what it’s like to give him up.
“He’s a good man,” she says in reply.
The instructor grins. “He’s a hardass. Teach you any of his N7 tricks?”
She isn’t sure how to answer that, but the instructor laughs at her expression. “He did. Hard to imagine. You don’t look like much.”
It’s true enough; her build was always more on the slender side, and with the addition of biotics, she must eat significantly more or risk losing more weight. Still, she’s mostly muscle now, and that doesn’t show in this outfit.
“Biotic,” she says simply.
The instructor snorts. “Won’t mean shit. Alec’s N7 tricks’ll get you further.”
It’s the last piece of advice she gets before the plunge. It’s also true; without Alec’s little snippets of training, Sara’s sure she’d have washed out of basic. Ev too. Instead, Alec turns up for their graduation with the biggest, proudest grin on his face. How he got invited, she isn't sure... but she is sure she's never seen him grin like that.
~~~
“Corporal Logan.”
Sara can’t help but grin. Even a couple years into her career, Alec Ryder’s keeping a close eye on her, knows she’s been promoted. Again. Still, the reason she’s calling is… hard to wrap her head around. She deflects, or tries to for a moment.
“It’s good to see you,” she says. Alec, of course, is not fooled.
“You’re calling about N-school,” he says bluntly. “Don’t look so surprised, kid. Who do you think they called as a character reference after you showed promise?”
Of course. Who better to assess her than the man she’d lived with off and on for eighteen years, who also happened to have been one of the first N7s in existence? He watches her in silence as she works her way through this, then says gently, “Ask your questions, Sara. I trust you have them.”
She stares at him, thoughtful, and suddenly, she realizes she’s only got one. “Is it worth it?”
He laughs. “Depends on your goals. You know that.”
“For me,” she amends. “Is it worth it for me?”
He lets silence fall between them for a few moments. Then, “To serve the Alliance, to become the absolute best you can be. You tell me.”
Her shoulders relax. She smiles.
“Yes.”
~~~
Sara’s twenty-one when she makes N1. A year older for N2. N3 takes a little longer, but by the time she’s twenty-four, she’s celebrating again. Ev left the Alliance two years earlier, but he meets her on Elysium for her little party. But there’s little to celebrate; when Ev arrives, Sara’s fighting a migraine. An hour later her head’s better but still throbbing, and the pair are trading assault rifle fire and biotic bursts with batarian pirates, the twins taking their lead from a girl named Ellie. Just exactly how Ellie seems to know where the enemy’s going to attack next, Sara isn’t sure. But it’s eye opening, especially after the Blitz is over, and she meets Ellie face to face for the first time.
Ellie is barely twenty years old, two years into her service with the Alliance, and she’s already a better tactician than Sara Logan is after six years. She wonders, How does someone get that good in such a short time? Rightly, Ellie is awarded a promotion, and the Star of Terra. Sara and the other soldiers involved are awarded the Palladium Star, and civilians like Ev are given a similar honor. But to Sara, it’s not enough.
I have to be better. I can be better. I will be better.
She returns to the Villa in Rio, more committed to her N-training than ever, and is both unsurprised and a little gratified when she spots young Ellie Schafer in a pre-N1 class a few months later.
~~~
By the time Sara makes N5, Ellen has been ill for years, not that the kids ever heard about it. The first doctor visit happened while the Logan twins were at BAaT, and the Ryders were four. The younger twins wouldn’t understand, and the older twins had more than enough to deal with. It’s all her work with biotics, and the implants required to make them work for humans. Years later, when the truth comes out, Sara can’t help but feel partially responsible for her mother’s interest. After all, Sara is one of the first human biotics, among the first trained to use them. She still bears all the benefits and side effects of the L2 implant, one of her mother’s first “success stories,” albeit a partial success. And now, all that work was killing Ellen, and there was nothing they could do.
But Alec had always been a stubborn man. When he stuck upon the idea of using an AI and a specialized implant to heal things beyond human understanding, he was strongly advised to turn away. He didn’t. And so, by the time Sara’s an N5, there’s a gradual shift in how the Alliance looks at people from his family. The change was subtle at first; people stared. But Sara kept her head down, kept her focus on her career. Why should his decisions change anything for her? And yet…
As the Alliance’s treatment of him grows more suspicious, Sara’s called in for what they call a “performance review.” But after only a couple of questions, she realizes this has nothing to do with her performance, and everything to do with Alec’s. After this, it takes her a moment before she speaks again.
“Do you question my loyalty to the Alliance?” she asks bluntly.
There’s a bit of bluster, deflection, trying to return the line of questioning to Alec and his AI development. Sara won’t have it.
“Have I given you reason to doubt me?” she asks.
Shortly thereafter, she’s dismissed with excessive praise of her conduct… but she can’t help but feel something has changed. Not for the better.
~~~
It gets worse. She’s back at the Villa to complete her N6 certification. They don’t even try to hide their stares of distaste now. Alec’s still working on AI, and there are whispers he might be dishonorably discharged. Judge me on my own merit, she wants to scream. But screaming undesired opinions that sound like orders is frowned upon in the Alliance. She endures, but she’s beginning to realize this isn’t what she signed on for. This isn’t what she wants. She doesn’t know yet what she does want, not anymore. It had been N7, but now?
She passes the certification. She’s N6, as high as ICT goes, but the man in charge calls her in for a brief conversation. Yet again, she can feel it’s really about Alec. It’s commendable what you’ve done. We’re proud of your achievements. But don’t feel bad if this is as far as you get. You’ve come further than most can even dream of. It’s not hard to read between the lines. You won’t get N7. But she’s believed in the Alliance for so long, it’s hard to accept. They wouldn’t do that to her, would they?
A year later, Alec’s discharge happens. Under the guise of restructuring, the Alliance stations Sara on a small, quiet world. It’s close to the Traverse, but there’s little of value there, so pirates pay it no mind. The colony is small, too small to have its own police force, so the marines fill in. Even so, it’s dull. We need experienced bodies on the frontier, they explain. Your step-father is poison, and he’s touched you, she hears.
She’s on a quiet patrol. Alone, because nothing ever happens here. No one needs backup. Even that fancy-ass air car moving up the street is barely worth her attention. Then she hears a faint beep, raises her biotic barrier by instinct. The explosion throws her, barrier and all, into the wall of the building across the street. Her first thought: Who’d put a bomb here? Her second: Move. In that moment, she jumps to her feet, sees weaponfire more than hears it, reacts. The fancy car. A celebrated war hero visiting the site of an old conflict. Celebrated, and hated. And he’s alive; even as Sara ducks behind cover, she can see him moving through the window.
When armed thugs in fully body armor swing around to make sure they’ve done their job, she doesn’t think twice. She remembers Alec’s comments when she was sixteen, about how strong she must be, even to walk on her own two feet with a migraine. This is no migraine, but her head is pounding, she’s battered and bruised, and she fights. Takes an ugly gash to her cheek from a knife, but that lets her close enough to the enemy leader to take his head clean off. With his own knife; she’s a little proud of that.
She’s tired, every muscle aches, eyes bloodshot, head pounding, gash on her cheek still bleeding when she wrenches the car’s door free of the frame, releasing the war hero. He peers out at her, already begging for his life, but stops short at the sight of her, with her gun lowered, and as kind an expression she can manage given her condition.
“You’re safe, sir,” she says. “For now. Let’s get you somewhere safer.”
~~~
Twelve hours later, she’s still just tired. Bandaged, but she knows the cut on her cheek will leave a scar. Limping, but she manages to stand at attention when her superiors call her for debriefing. The war hero sings her praises, but her superiors are stone-faced. Why did it have to be Logan? they seem to wonder. And yet, they too praise her for her heroics, for her stubborn determination to live, no matter what life throws at her. But at last, Sara Logan’s patience has failed. Nothing is worth this. Not even N7.
“Speak plainly,” she says quietly. “You will never award me N7, will you?”
Bluster. Praise intended to appease her. Her eyes flash, her biotics flare.
“Be honest with me for once!” she shouts over them.
Their silence is all the answer she gets. The only answer she needs.
“I’ll submit my letter of resignation tomorrow,” she says, her voice quiet once more. No one objects when she limps out without a salute, without dismissal, not even the war hero, too stunned to wonder at what he’s just seen. This, she realizes dismally, is exactly what they wanted. Even two years ago, that would have broken her heart. Now, all she can think is:
Good.