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Batman was genuinely considering breaking his code to snap Hal Jordan’s neck because really, this was all his fault.
They could have tubed back to the Watchtower as soon as the battle ended, or once they gave the required interviews, but the view from this largely destroyed warehouse had them lingering longer than needed.
It was the only part of the battlefield untouched by the violence. The portal used by their enemies was right on top of the lake, and once Clark used his solar flare on the enemy ship, the portal collapsed and sucked all the wreckage back in with it. It was the quickest clean up so far, but one of their more taxing weeks.
Monday started with Lex Luthor being a pain in the League's ass, and most of Tuesday was spent in clean up. Wednesday they had to deal with the Joker holding the UN hostage, and Thursday was Hal crashing into Star City and nearly levelling the whole place, after being sucker-punched by Sinestro. Some members of the League went off-world and helped Hal put Sinestro back into the weird prison he broke out of, and by the time they were back Saturday morning, the new alien race that wanted to harvest Earth’s core had shown up off the coast of Greenland.
Diana, Bruce and Barry were the ones holding the place together till the rest could show up. The fight was over fairly quickly, but the team was drained. After their last round of interviews, (the last being a phone call Clark had with Lois, giving her a quick update on things), the team sat around a makeshift table — a bunch of wooden planks propped up on blocks of concrete.
Eventually, it was Barry who decided they should celebrate their win. After a quick show of hands, a few phone calls and some plotting, Barry, Oliver, Batman, Arthur, John and Hal managed to source enough food and drinks for the small team of heroes.
Clark and Diana couldn’t get drunk, not usually. But Diana had her own Amazonian mead that she asked Hal to pick up for her, and Clark’s solar flare left him somewhat powerless. He said he had enough energy to zoom around the planet a few times, and up into the atmosphere for a bit of sun. But he was choosing not to.
After the kryptonite on Monday, Lex’s entire being on Tuesday, Joker nearly killing his best friend teammate Batman on Wednesday, the Green Lantern Fiasco over the weekend paired with the weird little aliens that morning, Clark just wanted to get very drunk. With Batman and Oliver’s combined wealth, getting them that much alcohol was not difficult, and he wouldn’t really get a chance to do this.
So Clark called up Lois and made sure he didn’t have any work due for the next morning, asked Batman and J’onn to look after him, and joined in on the celebration. Batman frowned at this, but then Clark explained his lack of funds and opportunity to actually experience getting drunk. Eventually, Clark got his way, and when Diana asked if he used his puppy eyes, Clark lied to her face. Diana grinned, patted his shoulder in approval, and pulled up to sit in a chair beside Batman.
Billy Batson was trying really hard to convince Dinah Lance that he could drink. Oliver was struggling to hold in his laughter. Clark couldn’t believe that Batman, of all people, was allowing a child to hang around a group of super-powered drunk people. But then he reminded himself that for as long as Clark has known the Bat, he had multiple sidekicks who couldn’t have been older than the age of 15. Dinah won, eventually, and they tubed Billy home with a whole bag of snacks.
“Okay, drinking game time!” Hal announced, and everyone cheered, except for Bruce. J’onn learnt the rules to every single game but stood as a judge. Batman was forced into each game, either by Diana’s stern glares, or Clark’s puppy eyes. They played a round of drinking games, each one being more ridiculous than the previous.
They started with Who’s Most Likely.
“Who’s most likely… to have kissed someone of the same sex. 3, 2, 1, POINT!”
Diana drowned her drink with a smirk
“Who’s most likely to fall off a yacht and turn into a vigilante?”
Oliver flipped everyone off
“Who’s most likely to use his ‘dad voice’ on a villain, triggering a bunch of unresolved daddy issues that Dinah has to deal with?”
Batman had a straight face even after a shot of particularly cheap vodka.
Once everyone seemed to get a little buzzed, they moved on to Flip Cup.
“Ollie, you can’t compete, you went to a frat house when you didn’t even go to COLLEGE!” Dinah said, and Oliver shrugged, “So what?” was his only response. No one saw it coming when Arthur won, maybe except for the smug Batman who’d bet on Arthur and Barry. Hal was a sore, sore loser.
Never Have I ever was obviously the most fun, and it revealed the most, as expected
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SUPERMAN HAS GONE SKINNY DIPPING LIKE YOU DIDN’T HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON?” Came from Oliver,
“HOW IS THAT WEIRDER THAN BATMAN SMOKING POT ON TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER?” Came from Dinah.
“IS NO ONE GOING TO TALK ABOUT BARRY EATING 24 PIZZA’S IN ONE DAY?” Came from Diana, who was loud for the sake of being loud, “that can’t be good for you Barry!” She said
“GUYS BATMAN’S HAD SEX IN PUBLIC? WHAT THE FUCK?” Hal had his head between his knees, “HE’S A HUMAN BEING, WHAT THE FUCK?” He continued. He also had a string of profanity, and repeated most of the weird statements Batman took a shot to.
If Clark was sober enough to produce a coherent thought, he’d have assumed Batman was taking shots at random to mess with Hal
“ARTHUR FUCKED A FISH?” Came from Barry, and it was quickly followed by “No, a mermaid” from Arthur who was barely awake at this point. That confession led to a chorus of “MERMAIDS ARE REAL?” And very distraught “YOU SLEPT WITH ARIEL?” From a very drunk Clark
J’onn had declared the game over once everyone met the “sufficiently wrecked” requirement for the last game of the day — Fuck, Marry, Kill.
The ‘requirement’ as Hal had explained, was a level of honesty where no one would hold back from expressing their true opinions about the people on the list. J’onn was handed the list, and had been given clear instructions not to let the Trinity know they were playing the game. Batman let out a very loud “Hn'' when he found out, Diana a cheerful squeal and Clark mumbled “I don’t know guys” kinda unsure about the whole thing.
“Round one, fuck, marry, kill, Jeff Bezos, Rihanna and The Queen of England”
“What the Fuck, J’onn?”
“I’m only reading from the list, Barry, I didn’t come up with these”
Oliver went first,
“Fuck Rihanna, marry Bezos because imagine the MONEY and kill the Queen of England. EAT THE RICH” he says.
“Ollie, you are the rich”
“EAT ME!” He responds, loudly.
Barry goes next, “Fuck Bezos, I think? Marry the Queen, because that would make me King of the World” Barry stands up and throws his arms out as he says this, “and kill Rihanna… but not really?” Barry sits back down.
“Barry, you don’t become king if you marry the Queen,” Diana tells him
Barry makes very sad and confused noises.
Arthur and Hal repeat what Oliver said, for the same reasons. Clark and Diana chose to marry Rihanna and Kill Bezos, and say, “Fuck the Monarchy” in unison as they clink glasses. Batman motions in their direction and says, “What they said” while he drowns his own shot.
The next round is Elon Musk, Robert Downey Junior and Oprah Winfrey
Clark, Diana and Batman say they want to kill Elon, marry Oprah and fuck RDJ.
Hal, Arthur and Oliver agree that they would fuck RDJ, but marry Elon and kill Oprah.
Barry is distraught and says out of loyalty to his ‘wife’ Oprah, he wouldn’t kill or fuck anyone. (Hal and Arthur boo him for this)
They go on a few more rounds, with more or less the same results. Clark, Diana and Batman agree on every list, while sometimes Barry and Hal switch spots. By and large, the Justice League seems to have the same consensus. Well, when it comes to all but one.
“Okay, let’s change it up a little. Fuck, Marry, Kill. Bruce Wayne, Tom Cruise and Beyonce”
Batman is grateful for how drunk Clark is because he can’t still his beating heart. Batman, Bruce fucking Wayne, is on the damn list. Batman, Bruce, needs to stop this, now.
“Well, that’s a dumb list” is all he thinks to say.
Hal, who had suggested the names, disagreed. “What? No! We have an actor who does all his own stunts, and might also be in a fucking cult, the hottest person in the world, and Beyonce!” Hal says.
Batman’s expression is controlled, his heartbeat is erratic as can be, and he’s sure this is what his brain short-circuiting feels like. Does Hal think I’m the hottest person in the world? What the FUCK? Oh my fuc-
“I agree,” Dinah says, and Batman looks at her with relief. Someone else here with some damn common sense, “Bruce Wayne is really fucking hot. If it wasn’t for Ollie, I’d climb the man like a tree” she says. Oliver cheers to that, “Brucie is as dumb as a brick, but I know he’s a great kisser. I’d fuck him, man” he says.
Batman, Bruce, wants to die. He was hoping the dare from forever ago, where he had to make out with Oliver, had been erased from the latter’s mind. Instead, the whole Justice League knew about it. He really needed to bring an end to this
“The list is unfair,” Batman says, but before he can elaborate, Barry answers.
“I don’t know if I want to marry Beyonce, or Bruce Wayne, who do you think has more money?” Barry asks. The unanimous vote is for Bruce, “Okay, so then I want to marry him” Barry says. “I agree” Diana adds, shocking Bruce. Dinah nods and adds to the dumpster fire that is this game. “If you marry him, it also means great sex for most of your life, right?” She says.
Dinah and Diana clink glasses and giggle. Barry nods.
Oliver says he’d marry Bruce too, “I mean, it’s a lot of money, you know. Plus like Dinah said, lots of great sex” the says. Arthur votes to fuck Bruce, “I think I want to marry Beyonce as well, but I think I also want to fuck Tom Cruise,” Arthur says. “You know some people think Tom Cruise is gay,” Barry says, “Yeah, and Bruce is definitely Bi!” Oliver adds. “But Tom Cruise is in a cult, guys” Clark speaks up for the first time since the list was made.
Arthur mulls it over, “Okay, yeah. I think I’d fuck Bruce Wayne too,” he says. Hal hi-fives him
Batman is sure he needs to quit now, both the game and the League — if this game keeps going. This has to be some weird form of sexual harassment, or maybe just a joke taken too far.
Bruce knows he did a good job with his identity, and no one there knew who he was under the cowl. But this was making him worry. If they knew his identity, this was a super fucked up way to make him confess. But if they didn't, which was more likely, Bruce didn’t know what was worse — knowing that his teammates wanted to sleep with him, or his teammates not knowing they were talking about sleeping with him.
Jesus Christ, Bruce needed another drink.
“Batsy, Supes, you two need to answer. J’onn, you too! Why not” Hal says.
J’onn looks at Bruce almost nervously, he can feel the obvious discomfort, and mild curiosity growing in Bruce’s mind. “Maybe, I’ll pass,” he says. Clark objects, “No, I think this is important for us to know. I want to go after you J’onn, I need a moment to decide. But we all need to know where we stand on this” Clark sounds super serious.
It kills the conversation in the room, and everyone turns to J’onn as he lets out a very heavy sigh. “I think… I agree with Hal and Arthur. I would like to marry Beyonce, and kill Tom Cruise” he says. Bruce is grateful he doesn’t say, “Fuck Bruce Wayne!” As Hal does, before he Hi-fives J’onn
Clark raises his hand, and Diana nods, “Go on, Kal” she says. “Is sleeping with Beyonce disrespectful to Jay-Z?” Clark asks, and the table has a chorus of No’s. Clark shrugs, “Yeah, then I’m definitely marrying Bruce Wayne and killing Tom Cruise too,” he says. Dinah and Diana squeal, “Sister-wives!” Barry adds. Oliver pats Clark on this back.
Bruce is sure his eye is twitching, and he sets his glass down in fear of breaking it.
“Plus, he seems like he’s gentle. But also not, you know?” Clark goes on. Diana nods, as if she understands the insanity taking place, “He seems like a gentle lover, but like he knows how to take things when he needs it!” She says. Dinah hums, “He definitely looks like he can give some'' she smirks, and Oliver frowns. Dinah kisses him, but she winks at Diana. “Honestly, I feel like he’s a bottom, '' Clark adds, out of nowhere.
Hal lets out a loud “Ha!”, and then goes on to disagree.
“He is NOT a bottom. Have you seen the man? Man, I’m not a bottom, but I’d let him top me” Hal confessed. Arthur agrees with Barry, “I don’t know if he’s a top or bottom, but I think he’s… loud” Arthur says. Oliver snorts, “Man, I’ve shared enough dorm rooms with him to know, you’re fucking right Arthur”
Clark giggles, “Rail me,” he says, and then explains, “Cause of the Wayne network in Gotham, the trains. He’s the Wayne train who can rail me” Clark says again, and laughs louder. Diana joins in on the laughter.
Hal has a horrible thought that he feels compelled to share, “You think the man has a daddy kink?” He asks
There are so many opinions
“Man, he’s got so many kids and none of them calls him Dad. They all call him Bruce”
“Wait, so does that mean he has one?”
“No! Wait, maybe? Shit, is that why his kids don’t call him Dad?”
“No, no! I’ve heard the oldest call him dad once, the guy fucking melted man. He let his kid swing off a chandelier after that”
“Oh, maybe the daddy kink has nothing to do with them not calling him dad?”
“I don’t know if he has a kink, but I’d call him Daddy”
“Freud is rolling in his grave” “Shuuush Dinah”
“He’s a DILF, that’s for sure,” Clark says, and everyone raises their glass to say “Here, here”
“And for what it’s worth,” Clark adds, “I’d probably call him Daddy too if he wanted me to?”
J’onn clears his throat, interrupting to say the game should end. The internal screaming in Bruce’s head is actually causing a dull headache now, but instead, Hal makes it all worse.
“Batsy, you’re from Gotham, what do you think?”
Batman, who’d given up very early on, had gone dead silent and watched the horrible, bad and good-for-nothing event unfold. He had two plans of action. One was to get up and leave. The other, which he decided to go through, was to slowly and carefully pull his cowl off. With the addition of the new lenses that covered his eyes, Bruce had no need for the greasepaint that would have no doubt got all runny with the tears that were now streaming down his face.
“Pleased to have made your acquaintance, team,” Bruce Wayne says, stoic, forced and nothing like Brucie Wayne (or Batman, since he had turned off his voice modulator)
The Justice League was stunned into silence.
Yep, fuck Hal.