Chapter Text
Today has been hell, not that I have done much, first day of the Christmas holidays with Christmas a few days away, I woke up feeling so mentally drained and empty. Waking up to sunrise during semester due to rowing really changed my body as now I do that even on holidays. I woke up this morning wide awake at 5:30am, then immediately starting hating myself with memories of simpler times of waking up this early before everything, back when I was happy. I honestly don't remember the last time I was happy.
I feel so empty, I try to fall back asleep but my mind starts running and I can't stop, my heart starts racing to keep up with the thoughts.
'Erik is dead'
'Erik is dead'
'my parent are soo fake, everyone is fake'
but most of all my thoughts were constantly flooded with 'Simon hates me', and 'god I get why I hate myself too'.
I truly didn't deserve anything he did for me, he deserves soo much better than me. maybe the world deserves better than me.
I don't know how long I was in my own head, but when I came to consciousness again it was 5pm. my room still in complete darkness and my stomach started rumbling. I realise I guess I am a little hungry, maybe I'll go get a sandwich. The walk to the kitchen is exhausting, I'm so physically exhausted. The queen and papa must have been in a meeting as when I get to there kitchen no one is there, no one I know at least, there's so ,any staff here I can barely keep up. I find the butter and a loaf off bread and just make a butter sandwich.
Suddenly my mind goes back to a time I wish didn't hurt to remember. I drop the butter knife on the ground with a clash. the vivid memory of making a sandwich with butter for Simon's breakfast after our night together is soo bittersweet, it just really hurts and lowers my mood even more.
I walk back to my room, sandwich in hand, my feet aching with every step. I pass my parents on the way back to my room and they look disappointed in me.
"Wilhelm, Where have you been all day!!!??, you have missed very important meetings you are the crown prince remember!!!"
"I'm sorry"
I don't even know what else to say so I just keep my head down and continue to my room.
How can my own mother not see that I am not well, am I good at hiding it in front of her or does she just not care. probably the latter, she only cares about the crown prince, who just happens to be her only son, I look at my own mother and don't see a mother I only every see a Queen. she never cares about me first.
When back in my room I don't really feel hungry anymore, having ate half the sandwich, I just collapse back onto my bed thoughts full of Simon. I decide to do the worst and I find my phone to scroll through his instagram page. He posted on his story, photo of him and a dog, with Ayub and rosh, since when did Simon have a dog. wish I had a dog or a cat, someone to hug. who am I kidding I just wish Simon were here. I may be missing him desperately and feeling empty, but I decide not to contact him, I don't want tot hurt him more than I already have.
As he said I have to figure this out on my own. but how will I do that when even walking to the kitchen is exhausting and I don't want to do anything but sleep and overthink.
The silence in my room is too much, I decide playing music from Spotify really loud in my earphones is the perfect idea. I find this new song: "Mr Forgettable" by David Kushner, and not even a few seconds into the song I add it to my favourite songs playlist. I turn it up as loud as my ears will manage and just lay there, still on my bed, with the song on repeat. The song is opening up something inside me.
it is making the thoughts I had all day that simmered in the back of my mind come to the for front, like it was boiling ready to burst. The thoughts of what it feel like to have slices in my arm, feeling the blood and the pressure, harming myself in the this way, at least I would be able to control something in my life.
Next thing I know I am holding the razor, I must have found it in the bathroom, I don't even remember walking in there to find it.
"Simon hates you" I tell myself aggressively in my head, then hitting myself with the stabbing pain of the razor the slice in my arm so deep I feel faint. Blood oozing it uncontrollably.
The uncontrollable anxious thoughts flood my brain. what if I bleed out, the world is better without me, I'll never see Simon again, why did I do that?I should do it again, wait no I should text Simon.
hold on that last thought. I decide if I am to die here, I should text Simon at least.
I find my phone partially covered in my own blood.
find the text message app.
To Simon:
I'm Sorry Simon. I didn't mean to, I'm sure you probably hate me now and I should've not texted you.
I just need you to know, I didn't mean ti go that deep, I'm sorry.