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It's odd when he feels it for the first time, that warm sensation in his chest. It's feels like a that first sip of a hot drink after playing outside in the snow. All it took was a smile, a smile from her. He spends the next two days drowning out the feeling in bodies who don’t see him, in drugs that don’t fulfill him.
The next time he feels it she’s asking him if he’s alright, that he can trust her with his problems. He deflects with a joke, her smile doesn’t reach her eyes, he’s cold. He’s not ready.
She tells him he makes her vulnerable, a puzzle piece snaps in place. He’s warm, confused, intrigued. That’s what it is, he’s intrigued by her. He can breathe again. Denial is a river in Egypt after all.
He’s becoming soft, slower to anger, to assumption, he’s following. The devil is a leader Maze spits, there’s no place for weakness. We’re not in Hell anymore he responds, thoughtfulness is not weakness. He finds himself watching her, keeping an eye for possible dangers. No longer will she see the pain of another bullet on his watch.
With watchfulness comes knowledge. Her coffee order, favorite snacks, movies, cravings during that time of the month. He avoids eye contact for an entire day when for the second time fresh lemon bars have been waiting on her desk. That warm sensation returns when she squeezes his forearm in gratitude, with a shy smile. Like clockwork he never forgets.
Linda prods at him after Malcom. He waves her off, she doesn’t believe him so what would she know about this “friendship” she speaks of. When Father Frank dies she thinks she wasn’t too far off.
The warm sensation progresses into butterflies when she saves Lux. He offers dinner as a thank you, he doesn’t show up. He isn’t ready. Timing is never on his side, Jana proves that. Maybe he was making her reciprocation up. Mistake Mistake Mistake.
He tries to prove her wrong to realize he’s not worth the trouble. He’d rather live with the warm sensation and the occasional butterfly stampede then ruin the one good thing in his life. She proves him wrong again. Incredible woman she is. He asks to take it slow, not out of fear no, just caution.
It was real until it wasn’t. That warm sensation turned into ice. Confusion, anger, resentment replace the good feelings he wasn’t ready to name. He saves her life again, its not her fault she shouldn’t have to deal with his short comings. Leaving is the best option, in the wake of heartbreak all that matters is her.
Amenadiel keeps him updated on how Chloe is doing, the longing isn’t a new sensation the combination with sadness is. He keeps his location a secret but vows to find a way back to her. Candy does a great job at distracting, little does he know she told her everything. So when the warm sensation returns as she hugs him, berating him for just not talking with her, he holds her tight as he vows to never leave again. The butterflies are back.
He enjoys time with the spawn, something he never thought he would admit to himself. She’s a tiny her so he can overlook the qualities the douche passed down. He learns what snuggles are, secretly soaking them up. When he sees “How to help people who are touched starved” in her recently googled he will never admit to the tears that welled.
When he gets kidnapped, he pushes the devastation behind anger. He goes to her, hoping for the warm sensation she provides. When he leaves her presence cold, he truly thinks he’ll never get the happy ever after everyone raves about. The warm sensation is few and far between now. Replaced by jealousy, betrayal, depression. He doesn’t leave his penthouse except for work, which he soon is no longer welcome. Watching her with him is just too much even for the Devil. Linda is too busy with Amenadiel and Maze to notice, Daniel has Charlotte, even Ms. Lopez doesn’t take the lack of devil seriously.
Then she says yes. The devil wept.
For one week he contemplated things he hasn’t in long time. Then the sensation comes back slowly. Like its scared if it comes back to fast it’ll be gone again. Unfortunately no matter how slow the sensation comes, it will always leave again.
Thirty days of tears, anger, longing. When acceptance was no where near, she returned. The sensation hitting so hard when he saw her tears flooded his eyes. An experience he’s come to befriend in the past month. Butterflies wouldn’t leave, if not blinded by hope he might have seen the warning signs. He never saw it coming, not from her, never from her.
Eve was nice, she gave what he needed willingly. Defeated he didn’t care she was draining him, bringing out a part of him he left behind. The warming sensation was never around when he was around Eve. Only when she would smile at him, move into his space, have cool ranch puffs stashed during stakeouts. He hated the warming sensation.
It would only make sense that as soon as he can accept both sides of himself his past comes to haunt him. As she begs him to stay, pleading the warm sensation comes back as “I love you, please don’t go” falls from her lips. Salty from both their tears he soaks in her taste for what might be the last time. Butterflies take flight inside him as he responds with “my first love was never Eve, it was you, it always has been.”
Even Hell itself could not warm the coldness leaving her created.
Holding her again, the warming sensation filled him from his head to his toes. To never leave again, only for the miraculous nature of her birth to resurface. Coldness he’s all too familiar with returned. Linda helps to regulate the multitude of feelings he has swirling inside him. God, Siblings, Daniel. The warming sensation doesn’t return until she looks at him one night, after a long conversation between the girls and their Devil, tears all dried up, snuggled into each other with How to Train Your Dragon playing does it fill him so completely he understands. She wipes the tears from his face, whispering to him so not to disturb the content Urchin in-between them. “Welcome home, babe.”
He named the warming sensation that night. He spoke it out loud to her in the Silver City. He spoke it to the Urchin when he gave her a note from her father, holding her close he promised “No matter where I am, I will always be with you. Pray to me and I will hear you. I love you.”
When Aurora entered the world he felt that warming sensation grow as he held her close. Promising the same thing to his second daughter as he did his first.
When he left six months later, after he created a strict plan on how to be apart of everyones lives. The warming sensation didn’t leave, but became a constant. It grew as he came to know John, Ellie, and Jay, Chloe’s siblings they had lost before and after her conception. Frank and his family, Dan and Charlotte. It grew as his Siblings apologized, helped, and got to know him. It grew every time he visited his family still on Earth. It never wavered even as Rory grew to resent him. It grew as each soul took the journey into healing, and succeeding, some even taking on roles to help others once like them. The warming sensation is a powerful feeling, one that brings all other emotions along for the ride.
Even on our coldest days, being loved will always warm us up.