Chapter Text
TG: hey man i need to tell you something
GT: shoot! :)
John swiveled back and forth in his chair, enjoying the sunlight. Dave sounded kind of serious, but John wouldn’t let it get to him. Things would be fine.
TG: before we call on the phone i should let you know my voice is bonkers in fucking yonkers
GT: huh?
TG: i was dropped on the ass as a baby too many times and it fucked up my as the doctors say thyroid
TG: so my voice sounds like a girls voice
GT: heh, lucky.
TG: what
GT: what?
TG: haha you want to sound like a girl homo
GT: i do not!
TG: you so do
TG: im gonna start calling you june egbert
Something fierce and beautiful and terrifying lurched inside John, not for the first time. He shook his head before it could contribute any more to his emotional state, but allowed his eyes to scan over the words just a few more times: june egbert june egbert june egbert
GT: but i don’t!
GT: i just think it would give you the opportunity to do lots of good pranks.
TG: name literally one
GT: you could tap a guy on the shoulder and say excuuuuuse me all flirty, and then he would turn around and there would be no girl there!
TG: john this is not helping you beat the are you gay allegations
TG: lets turn to the jury
GT: i thought it was june :B
A pause before Dave started typing again. John held his breath. That was probably too far.
GT: you there?
TG: yeah sorry im making a sbahj
He hadn’t been doing that for the past three hours they’d been talking, but John didn’t comment on that.
TG: anyways i took the time to deliberate with the jury and it turns out theyre all convinced youre gay
TG: youre sentenced to 50 years of giving me head
GT: that makes YOU gay.
TG: no no you see
They went on to deliberate in great detail about which sexual acts between men were considered gay for which parties, Like the vast majority of their conversations, it went nowhere.
TG: hi rose how are you
TG: insert snarky remark in response
TG: insert segue into the fact that im jesus god batshit fucking illucid fucking jesuses balls
TT: You’re lucky I actually prefer it when my friends treat me as a therapist instead of a person with feelings.
TG: yeah ok you know what i deserve that
TG: kind of a real goofball today a real whacko silly kramer type of character
TG: lets remedy that how are you how was your day how is your knitting
TT: My knitting is great, actually. No complaints here.
TG: fuck yeah i love when knitting is good
TG: someday im gonna knit a scarf thats 100000 miles long
TG: it will stretch across major roads and cause numerous car accidents and i will be sued by dr obama himself
TT: I don’t believe Barack has a medical degree.
TT: At any rate, we’re losing the plot. You do seem rather agitated.
TT: I’ve procured my stretch couch and my tissues. Have at it.
TG: fucking
TG: its sort of a being attacked by a bunch of felt puppets simultaneously situation and they all have swords and the swords are the fact that i was on the phone with john earlier and i just hear this ear shittingly loud scream of my name from the next room
TG: and you know and i know and now john knows
TG: that it aint dave
Rose winced audibly. God bless Mom and her silent, passive aggressive acceptance of whatever her daughter did, baking a cake that said WELCOME ROSE, MY DAUGHTER the first time she’d overheard Rose call herself that in front of an internet friend.
It wasn’t that Dave’s brother refused to accept him. It was that Dave hadn’t told anyone. He was only himself online. But if not many people knew Dave as Dave, not many people knew Rose hadn’t always been Rose either (well, it was complicated; she always had, but she hadn’t always, it was something she talked about in sessions with her own therapist), and keeping the secrets was exhausting for them both, so they had each other.
TT: Ouch.
TG: understatement of the fucking century
TT: What did he say?
TG: ahahah ah
TG: thats the best part
TG: nothing
TG: he didnt say a fucking thing he just listened to me answer to ****** in SILENCE and then leave the fucking call
TG: if he tells jade i am going to commit smuppet seppuku
TT: You are constantly surrounded by swords, and yet your suicide weapon of choice is plushy and phallic. Interesting.
TT: I think the obvious solution to your problem is just talk to John.
TG: you mean i should tell him the truth instead of sitting here in your pesterlogs agonizing for the rest of my life
TG: terrible idea rose
TG: i think this is my home now
TG: building a little nest out of twigs and leaves i find on the digital ground
TT: Dave.
TG: setting up shop under your porch like a raccoon
TT: I’m stopping this extended riff before it starts.
TG: how convenient
TT: Please just talk to John.
TT: I will cancel my plans of wild bacchanal debauchery tonight and remain here by the computer knitting my knits if you need me.
TG: you were having a bacchanal debauchery party without me
TG: this friendship is in fucking shambles
TT: You’re right. My mistake. Come over. I’ll have Mom put you on the first train.
She meant it, too. Rose had been trying to get Dave out of Texas for ages. She’d talked to her mother about it and everything, one of their biannual serious conversations, which they hadn’t even had when she started transitioning. It was hard to bear seeing things like namegate go down almost daily.
But Dave’s stubbornness and his conviction that something would somehow go horribly wrong in their friendship if they lived together were equally strong. As Dave’s therapist Rose suspected there was something else going on too; abusers can make themselves easy to love and depend upon. She hadn’t used the word abuser to refer to Dave’s bro because she, too, was worried that something would go horribly wrong with their friendship if she did; Dave was defensive. But they both knew it, at least on some level. Of that she was convinced.
She glanced back at the screen, and sighed. Dave had disconnected. So it would be an evening of knitting and of trying to maintain detachment every time she glanced over at her computer, then.
TG: miss june egbert
GT: mr. poopy pants.
TG: thats not ladylike at all
TG: go put your gay card in the shredder
TG: then go out to the social security gaygency and get another one because we both know youll need it the next time you want to do some stupid and gay shit
GT: it has been done.
GT: anyway why did you summon me?
TG: because its the big boss fight and i need you to heal me idiot
TG: no its actually about earlier
TG: the name thing
GT: yeah, i was wondering about that.
GT: is that your real name?
TG: kind of
GT: how can you kind of have a name?
TG: well its on my birth certificate that dr obama keeps in his social security vault but
GT: gasp!
GT: this is just like the hit 2006 romcom shes the man starring amanda bynes where amanda has to disguise herself as a boy to prove to everyone that girls can play soccer.
TG: why do you know so much about romantic comedies homo
John winced internally. It was the ten thousandth time Dave had called him a homophobic name. But while the afterbirth of “June Egbert” still lingered between them, it felt different this time.
TG: also you didnt let me finish this isnt like that movie at all
TG: im not a girl
GT: that doesn’t make any sense.
TG: i mean it
TG: look you dont have to understand but im still dave the same way i was like four hours ago
GT: no you’re not!
GT: you don’t have to pretend, i think your real name is pretty!
GT: i am still your friend and i like you for who you are :)
John felt pretty satisfied with his responses. He didn’t understand why Dave was so ashamed of being a girl–
TG: jesus fucking christ
TG: john have you ever heard of a transsexual
John froze.
The answer was yes. He’d heard rumors buzzing around about certain actresses. The topic always made him so uncomfortable, and he wasn’t sure why. Probably because it was kind of gross and weird, right?
But there was something else. Talking, watching, reading about those women just hit something inside him weird. He wasn’t sure what. It fascinated him. It scared him. So he usually avoided the subject.
GT: uh yeah why?
TG: im one
GT: wait, but you just said you’re not a girl.
GT: i am very confused. B:
TG: im not sure whats so confusing i was born a girl but im actually a guy like in my heart or brain or my uvula or some shit
GT: ohhhhhh. i think i understand now.
GT: you are a boy trapped in a girl’s body?
GT: is that even possible? i thought it was only the other way around.
TG: its possible and its talking to you
TG: im gonna get serious for a moment so let me turn my chair around and doff my youth group baseball hat
TG: doff doff
TG: alright campers for jesus
TG: i dont care what you do to me or if you want to be friends anymore if you tell jade i will make a sbahj about you and it will be so embarrassing and cringe that you will have no choice but to delete all your accounts and smash your computer
GT: okay, sheesh, i won’t tell her.
GT: or rose.
GT: you didn’t need to be so mean about it.
TG: yeah cool and the still being friends thing
GT: what?
GT: oh.
GT: yes we are still friends you doofus.
GT: i do not really understand at all but this seems like it would be a really silly reason to not be friends anymore.
TG: agreed
TG: hey do you want to watch shaggy dog
TG: tim allen sees a guy throw a stick and just goes full canine right then and there
TG: oh thats my other secret i turn into a dog whenever a guy throws a stick at me
GT: oh me too!
GT: i guess that’s why we became friends.
TG: guess so
GT: hang on though. i still have a million questions.
GT: like,
TG: you will get absolutely zero answers all you need to know is im a dude and my name is dave
GT: oh, okay.
GT: i guess let’s watch shaggy dog then.
TG: hell yeah tim allen time
GT: hey dave!
TG: sup
TG: im working on some new lyrics but you know i always have time for my main man
GT: i had a question.
GT: do you know any one else who is transsexual?
Dave froze. Had he somehow let things slip about Rose? He was terrified of fucking that up.
TG: why do you ask
John had hoped he wouldn't be asked this question. Any fake answer he came up with would sound silly, and the truth was unthinkable.
GT: i was just wondering!
TG: weird thing to "just wonder" about but ok
TG: i mean if youre asking if we all know each other
GT: i'm not!
TG: well we dont
TG: but i know the other ppl in my support group
TG: mostly old milfs and shit
GT: you don't have to say m.i.l.f.s every time you want to say moms.
TG: yes i do fuck you
TG: anyway
TG: if youre asking because you want me to introduce you to hot transsexuals in your area youre barking up a tree in a whole different forest
GT: what!
GT: no.
GT: just forget i asked.
TG: huh what
TG: i was suddenly hit on the head by a large sword and cant remember the last 140 seconds
GT: dork.
GT: hey rose, how seriously do you take doctor patient confidentiality?
TT: As seriously as I should be expected to, considering that I'm twelve years old and you don't pay me a cent for my services.
GT: oh, okay.
TT: Why? Do you have a juicy secret?
GT: um.
GT: kind of.
Rose perked up. She liked secrets. Especially the juicy kind.
TT: Okay, psychologist's honor, I'll keep it to myself.
TT: No matter the juice levels.
GT: i've been thinking about, um.
GT: the thing is.
GT: i've been thinking about trans people a lot and i don't know how to stop.
Rose frowned.
TT: Thinking how?
GT: just, like…
GT: how do they do that?
GT: decide to be one gender and then just do it?
GT: nobody ever gave me a choice!
TT: Let's say they did. What would you choose?
John couldn't say it. It hurt enough just to think it.
GT: obviously boy!
GT: i am just a regular hetero guy. sorry to disappoint.
GT: but what do you think of trans people? as a psychologist?
Rose diligently ignored the fear that leapt to her throat, the irrational-but-rational fear that John had figured her out and was planning on harming her.
TT: My professional opinion is that it's none of my fucking business and it's not yours either.
TT: But I’m fascinated by your sudden obsession.
TT: It could indicate a confusion with or lack of security in your own gender.
TT: Essentially, it’s highly possible either trans people make you insecure because you don’t feel like you’re enough of a man and you wish you could be confident like them, or because you’re curious about other options.
TT: Which truly are out there.
TT: The secret that nobody likes to say is that anyone can be trans. Anyone. All you have to do is want to be another gender.
GT: anyone?
GT: i mean, obviously not me.
GT: but anyone else?
TT: No, not “obviously not you.”
TT: You can be trans, too.
TT: Maybe you’re a trans guy. I would have no idea. Although we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation if you were.
TT: But you can also be a trans girl if you want to. It’s been done.
GT: haha, then you would have to call me june egbert.
GT: that would be so funny.
TT: I see you’ve already picked out a name.
June felt something rising in her chest, both impossibly caught and impossibly free at the same time. She had to backtrack, but she wanted, desperately, to tell Rose everything.
GT: it’s not my name!
GT: dave just thought it would be funny to call me that.
GT: but it probably would be my name if i was a girl. :b
GT: actually my name would probably be jane, after my nanna. i asked my dad one time.
TT: Interesting.
GT: what?
TT: Well, most people ask that question. But it’s not often important enough to them that it comes up in conversation.
GT: are you saying i’m weird?
GT: because i am.
GT: what would your name have been if you were a boy?
Rose suppressed the dead name that came into her mind, unbidden. She subsequently suppressed the urge to tell John more about herself. After all, he might be doing some much-needed exploring...or he might simply have an uncomfortable fascination.
TT: I don’t know and I don’t want to know.
TT: I’m quite content being Rose.
GT: well, i guess that makes sense.
TT: If you’re not content being John, you don’t have to be.
GT: it’s not that!
GT: i mean.
GT: i’m happy.
GT: i just think it would be cool to be a girl sometimes.
GT: but not like, for ME to be a girl! like not “oh i am john but i am a girl now!”
GT: it’s more like if i got gender swapped like in an anime or wacky story i would not be mad i would just have fun.
GT: like if i ate a weird fortune cookie at a restaurant with jodie foster and/or lindsay lohan and i had to learn a valuable lesson before switching back that would just be fine with me.
TT: Would you WANT to switch back?
GT: would you?
TT: You dodging the question is all the answer I need.
GT: wait no!
GT: the truth is i’m not sure.
GT: i mean maybe it would be cool to be a girl named annabelle who water skis in an aquacade at the end of the movie.
GT: cooler than being a boy named john anyway.
GT: but that does not make me transsexual!
TT: Not unless you want it to.
Rose was playing dangerously here, and she knew it. Even if John did want to be a girl, he might not be anywhere near ready to admit that yet. And if he didn’t, his reaction would be the same: horrified that she would dare to insinuate something like that. But she hoped the accusation would hit him in a spot that felt as good and as true as it hurt. Therapy, she reflected, was sometimes like acupuncture.
John stared at his computer for a long time before responding. He knew every second he hesitated made Rose more smug, more convinced that she was right.
The problem was, he was starting to believe her too.
GT: …
GT: maybe.