Chapter Text
It all started with a letter. One fucking letter. One letter and Regulus is breaking all over again.
He had already broken once, everyone remembers back in fourth year when Regulus Black left for winter break perfectly normally, only to return as a shell of his former self. He dropped out of quidditch, stopped going to meals in the Great Hall, and barely scraped by in his classes.
Or at least everyone would remember if anyone ever paid attention to Regulus Black. In reality, no one remembers that. The whole school was too busy gossiping about how Sirius Black, the better Black brother, the smarter Black brother, had defied his parents and left, subsequently being disowned. Sirius came back from the break with a black eye and a smile so bright it could have lit up the whole train station.
Even before officially being disowned, people noticed Sirius. Anytime Sirius showed up to school with a new visible bruise or injury people would flock to him, asking if he was alright and if there was anything they could do. People worried. But they never bothered to glance behind Sirius to notice his smaller, younger brother who would be just as bruised. No one noticed, no one worried, no one cared.
And so when Sirius left, Regulus fell apart. But he pulled it together over the summer. Well… did he pull it together or was he beaten to the point where he was forced to put on a mask of the put together teen he used to be? Who cares? It was just Regulus Black after all.
But now here was this letter… sitting all innocently in Regulus’ lap as if it didn’t hold the contents that would shoot him back to square one.
Dear Regulus,
I know it’s been a while since we last talked, in fact I don’t think we’ve really talked since before I left. But whose fault is that? Anyways, I’m writing because Effie says I need to find some closure regarding what happened to me in that home and our relationship, otherwise I can never move on. I don’t know, I think that I’ve moved on pretty great. I have a better family, better friends, and even a better brother now (James is a better brother than you could ever hope to be, if you ever gave a shit that is. You’ll never be half the man he is, I hope you know that.) But if I don’t write this, she’ll pester me until I do so I might as well get it over with. So here I am, getting closure. The Black family sucks. Wallburga is a sadistic, abusive bitch who held me to a standard she knew was unreachable so that she would have a reason to abuse me. Orion is a cold, uncaring bastard who didn’t care about me as his son, only about how I made the family and him look. And you, you’re the worst mix of them both. You’re cold, you hold everyone to such a high standard, you only care about image, and worst of all you’re a spoiled brat and a spineless coward. You’ve never faced a challenge a single day in your life. I’m sure you were overjoyed by me leaving, now there was finally no one left to muddy the good name of the Blacks. So fuck you and fuck the entire family. Good riddance, I hope you and all you other pureblood scum get exactly what’s coming to you. Wow. Effie was right. I feel so much better. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Fuck you,
Sirius Black
It wasn’t a very long letter, not even a full piece of parchment. But it was enough to send Regulus reeling.
Wow.
Not only is Regulus unremarkable and unlovable, but he’s also cold, calculating, a coward, and a spoiled brat. There are so many emotions swirling in Regulus’ mind right now, he can hardly stand. There’s a small part of him that’s fuming, furious at Sirius. How dare he abandon him in that house alone for so long and then blame him for the way he is now? But the louder part screams that Sirius was right, that everything in that letter was the truth. Regulus has always known he would never be good enough for anyone. He has never been as bright and sunny as Sirius, never as personable. But he didn’t need to be. Regulus was the second son, and in a house like the Blacks the second son doesn't matter. Regulus never had as many friends, was never the teacher’s favorite, and never mattered as much. But now he knows that all the things he was so afraid of in the back of his mind were true too. He’s cold, calculating, spineless, worthless, and the best thing he can do for his brother is die.
It would solve so many issues, right? You know who doesn’t have to take the mark? Dead people. Dead people can’t be a disappointment, they can’t hurt anyone, and best of all they can’t be hurt.
He glances around the room he’s in, the astronomy tower, appraising the many rail-less balconies. If you were ever looking for Regulus Black and there weren’t classes in session, you could most likely find him in the astronomy tower. Not that anyone was ever looking for him. But the tower was almost always empty, people never wanted to make the journey up all those stairs, there were better places to hang out that were easier to access.
If he was going to do this, he would need to plan a few things out. There’s no way Regulus was going to be found dead in just any manner, maybe he is too image conscious but if everyone already thinks of him as a pathetic coward he wouldn’t let that be the way he was found too. Maybe he can just walk off the edge of the tower one day and let himself fall to his death.
He stood up, walking to the edge of the ledge. His fingers are white from how tightly they’re wrapped up in fists, his whole body shaking, a mix of the thought of it finally being over, the fear of standing so tall, and the sharp wind that bites to his bones.
Not tonight.
He can’t jump tonight.
There is far too much to plan and his tie has an ink stain on it. There’s no way he’s going to die in a stained tie. Besides, classes end in a few days for winter break. His parents have already told him not to bother coming home this Christmas, so he would have plenty of time then. The less people see the better. But the idea of jumping sent a thrill through his core. He could practically feel the wind rushing around him as he free falls, finally free from gravity and the world he’s been trapped in all at once. Not tonight though.
He steps back from the ledge and begins gathering his things, shoving the letter into a pocket of his jumper. Maybe he’ll read it one last time as he dies, as a way to remind himself that this was best. He feels lighter as he walks down the stairs, he can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel he’s been searching for for so long.
As he walks he doesn’t even notice the pair of eyes hiding behind a set of round frames watching him from a dark corner or the way they narrow as he walks by.
He’s so close he can practically taste it.