Archive of Our Own

Week 1

“I barely wanted to come to this camp at all, never mind basically live with the fucking Ravens!” Allison sniffs huffily as she stalks onto the bus, “I could be in Aspen right now.”

The RSC had decided that Collegiate Exy was not ‘cohesive’ enough and so required unity. It was really a cover up for the venom with which the Ravens treated every other team, but that was besides the point. The pretence of Inter-team unity was required, and thus Winter Training Camp was born. Financed mostly by the generous donations of Edgar Allen, of course. Camps were ‘randomly’ selected, with four teams at each Camp, spread around the country, in beautiful and remote locations. Four weeks of living together and mixed afternoon training sessions was all that was needed to solve years of condescension and rivalry in the eyes of the RSC. Apparently, luck of the draw had landed the Foxes with the USC Trojans, the BU Terriers, and of course, the Edgar Allen Ravens. A fun mix for all involved.

A clusterfuck for Neil Josten, though.

He’d only been with the Foxes a few months. He’d left the Nest at 16, only to find himself scouted by the Foxes two years later in a town he’d promised himself he’d stay invisible in. He appeared as if he was a nobody from nowhere. He barely had an academic record. Wymack and Kevin had had to fight tooth and nail for his scholarship, swearing to the board he’d be an asset. Kevin had known his skill. Kevin had been one of the people that fostered it, taught him it, and perfected it. After their lightly horrific Columbia trip, Andrew had accepted his half-truths but offered nothing more.

“Right, Fuckers! Let’s get this show on the road,” Wymack yells as he starts the engine. Neil watches Palmetto rush faster and faster past the window till it completely disappears, replaced by expansive countryside.

Well, he has nothing left to lose.

-

The first day of practice had brought a wonderful ache to Neil’s muscles, and he sits in the canteen pleasantly sated and adequately tired. He’d expected an ambush from his former Raven teammates as soon as he stepped off the bus, but luck would have it that they were yet to cross paths.

“Nathaniel!”
Neil’s luck never held out long, though.
“It’s Neil, now.” He says, standing to face Riko.
“It’s Nathaniel till I say it’s not. Don’t you remember our rules, Nate? Or has your time away from the Nest completely fried your brain? I-” He pulls Neil in by the scruff of his shirt. “-am King. You will do as I say.”
Riko rakes his eyes down Neil’s body, and his face twists into a sickeningly possessive grin. Neil could puke. His head pounds instead.

“You know, it’s not polite to have conversations around people who can’t understand what you’re saying.” Nicky interjects, and Neil suddenly becomes uncomfortably aware that they are in a very busy and very public cafeteria, “and I am totally nosy so I, like, need to know what’s going on. I can’t miss out on good gossip!”

Riko isn’t surprised at Nicky’s reaction, instead seems pleased by it. His eyes don’t leave Neil’s face as he switches to English.
“11:30pm. Be there.”

Riko saunters back to his table of Ravens, all identically dressed in oppressive black uniforms. Neil almost misses the anonymity. He has a certain amount of nostalgia for his days as one of the indiscriminate hoard; seen and unseen all the same. His solidarity with Kevin and Jean; all of them unfeeling and terrified. Breathing suddenly becomes very hard for Neil, and he feels the anxious red flush work it’s way up his neck. He shoves his hands into his pockets, no longer trusting them not to tremor and give him away.

“I- I have to go.”
Nicky looks at him with a smirk, fanning himself with his hand, “I bet you do! If you had heat like that in the Nest, why’d you ever leave?”
“Gross,” Aaron says.  
“Yeah, Neil your taste in men leaves much to be desired. Not to worry though, that can be fixed!”

Neil briefly wonders how Nicky survives if he is this deluded. Kevin and Andrew haven’t arrived yet. The upperclassmen stare at him. Did they understand? Did they know? His feet move as fast as he can reasonably make them go without running. He can’t afford to draw any more attention to himself. The air becomes stifling.

The rush of cold air is welcome as he bursts through the fire exit.

He slides his back down the cool wall outside and counts to ten in every language he knows.

English, French, Japanese, German

He wills his heartrate to slow

English, French, Japanese, German

He remembers Riko’s eyes staring into his in the dark of the night. The knifepoint drags along his chest.

English, French, Japanese, German

He wills himself to forget what his Father’s face looks like. What his cleavers look like. What his knives look like.

English, French, Japanese, German

He is going to be haunted by knives his whole life, he thinks.

English, French, Japanese, German

“You need to breathe to stay alive, idiot”
Neil startles. He looks up bewildered, to see hazel honey eyes staring straight at him.

“I- I-”

“There’s no point trying to talk when you aren’t breathing.” Andrew studies him for a moment. “Can I touch you, Neil? Yes, or No?”

Neil quickly nods his head, ignoring the lurch in his stomach.
He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but Andrew’s hand is a heavy weight pressed against his neck, pushing his head between his knees. It is too much, and it is too controlled and then it is…
Grounding.
And calming.
And Andrew’s palm is radiating warmth against his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

They sit like this for Neil doesn’t know how long. Till Neil’s breathing commences at a normal rate, and his hands are steady enough to pull from his pockets.

Andrew searches Neil’s face from where he is crouched in front of him. Though his calloused hand is still on Neil’s neck, he’s an arm’s length away. Whatever he finds must satisfy him, because he carefully sits down next to Neil and pulls out a cigarette.
He places it against his lips and raises his lighter to it. He takes a deep drag and slowly releases it from his mouth.
Neil chases the smell.

Andrew flicks his cigarette to get rid of the ash on the end. Neil has the urge to bend down and put his lips where Andrew’s had been. Just to see what it would feel like.

Andrew stares at him. His mouth twitches slightly.

“Andrew?” Kevin calls. Neil is jolted into the realisation he is in a public space. Again. He doesn’t know when he became so lax about his surroundings. He has to get a grip.

Stay vigilant! He hears his mother scream in the back of his mind.

He jumps guiltily away from Andrew. Kevin shoots him an irritated look and continues, “Are you coming in for food?”
He doesn’t answer him. Instead, he takes the last few drags of his cigarette, stubs it out, stands, and walks back through the doors.

“Neil?” Kevin asks, “Are you coming?”
Neil stretches. “Too many familiar faces in there. See you at practice.”
He takes off into a jog before Kevin can answer him.

-

Sneaking out was easy when rooming with Kevin. Mostly because Kevin simply didn’t give a fuck.

He sees Neil pull on his trainers, still in his pyjamas and glares disapprovingly.

He stays silent as Neil clambers through the window to avoid being caught by camp security.

He doesn’t clean him up like he used to when he comes back wincing.

-

Dan pulls Neil to the side of practice at the end of the week.

“Uh, Neil, I know this is personal, and it isn’t easy for me to talk about…” She has the audacity to looks sheepish, “but whoever you’re hooking up with has to have more respect for practice. They need to let you get some sleep and be more-” She drops her voice, “-gentle.”
Neil wants to tear his hair out. She continues anyway.
“We can’t have you playing this badly every time you sneak out your cabin. Plus, your body is literally your entire career. If your partner respects you, they will respect that.”

Kevin, despite the fact he shouldn’t be eavesdropping, chokes on his spit and looks angrily at Andrew.

Neil ignores him, having no clue what this could possibly have to do with either of them and focuses on Dan.
“All due respect, Captain,” He spits, “but what I do at night is none of your fucking business.”
“It is when it affects your performance on court! And as part of this team!” Dan presses on, unfaltering, “And I’m glad you have someone you swing for now, but your wrists are completely rubbed up, which must be sore. There’re ways to enjoy yourself without harming your body. Google is free, Neil.”
Neil curls his hands into fists and does his best to keep the tremor out his voice when he says, “Thank you, Dan. But fuck off.”
He stalks away to finish his stretches as Dan calls behind him, “I’m just looking out for you!”

He does his cooldown laps with more vigour than strictly necessary. They didn’t get it. How could they? Fucking idiots.

“Bit harsh, Babe?” Matt mumbles to Dan, just loud enough for Neil to hear.

-

Matt, Renee and Andrew round the corner to see Riko standing in their changing rooms.

They’d taken their time with their cooldown, Matt and Renee discussing the best camping grounds around the Athlete’s Village, which had led to Renee and Andrew discussing how they’d take down an 80s slasher villain. Everyone else had left while they were engrossed in conversation.

They linger in the hallway, watching the scene unfold through the thick glass door pane.
Riko isn’t just standing in their changing rooms. He looms over where Neil is sat on the bench. His hand is clasping Neil’s jaw and his mouth is pressed to his ear, whispering low and intense, completely blocking Neil’s face from view.
They watch as Riko stops talking and presses his nose to Neil’s hair, breathing in deeply. He steps back and rubs his knuckles down the other man’s cheekbone, a smirk curling his lips. With a parting comment, he leaves the locker room.

Neil sinks his head into shaking hands; a red blush making its way up his neck.

It’s Matt that breaks the silence first.

“Guess that explains why Neil’s been off his game,” He says into the quiet, “Didn’t peg him for the hate-fuck type but each to their own, I guess.” He clearly doesn’t notice the furious glare Andrew sends his way, because he ploughs on, “Man, Dan is gonna be so mad when she finds out he’s been sleeping with the enemy.”

Renee shoots Matt a significant look, “Riko hasn’t always been the enemy to Neil, Matt. Just the same as he hasn’t always been the enemy to Kevin. We don’t know their history in the Nest. Maybe Neil would prefer his private life to stay private.”

Andrew’s stomach twists uncomfortably.  

-

I can’t wait till my number is marked on you.

That’s what he’d said.

For everybody to see. That will be one scar I give you that you cannot hide. Then you will be mine. Everyone will know who owns you. No more hiding.

He wanted to run. He had to run. His duffle was packed, and another ID was lined up.

But he can’t leave Kevin. He has to get Jean out. Riko knows his face, his body too well.

Trust no one, his mother screams, Caring will get you killed

-

Andrew has been studying him for the past five minutes. Not in his usual way, with what seems like actual anger.

Neil sighs. Fine. He clearly wasn’t going to say what he was thinking. “What do you want, Andrew?”

“I want nothing,” He says quickly, “What’s with you and bird boy?”

The slats of the roof of the cabin dig into his thighs as he twists to stare at Andrew. “Why do you care?”

Andrew keeps his gaze forward, staring at the view across Camp, “Because if your disgusting little soft spot for Riko is going to get Kevin hurt, then I need to know.”

“I don’t have a soft spot for Riko,” Neil says, incredulous. Andrew hasn’t sounded this angry at him since Columbia, “It’s nothing. Riko is nothing but an issue.”

“I thought you didn’t swing”

“I don’t”
Andrew just looks at him. “If this becomes an issue for Kevin- If you become an issue for Kevin, I. Will Not. Hesitate. Got it?”
Neil nods. He watches Andrew’s biceps flex as he lowers himself through the skylight onto the bunk below, before completely disappearing inside as the sun sets.

-

Week 2

“Nate,” Riko yells from across the field, “how’s the limp treating you?”
“Fuck you!”
Riko has been getting more creative. He enjoys the scandal that runs around camp if he gives Neil an injury he can’t hide, likes it even better if they assume its sex related. He thinks there’s dramatic irony in it. He’d told him I don’t need sex to own you. And you’ll feel no pleasure from me.

In front of them, he sees Allison shoot Matt a quick look. Kevin stops running.

“No, Neil. Not him,” He says quietly, “You aren’t actually- Not after all he’s done.”
Neil stares at him in shock.
“Why are you acting like you didn’t know? We share a room. It’s not as if I’m quiet when I leave,” Neil spits, venom and frustration leaching into his tone.
Kevin’s eyes dart to where the others are practicing, “It doesn’t matter who I thought it was. You need to cut it off.”

Neil wants to scream. “Don’t you think I would if I could? You know how he gets once he decides on a punishment. I can’t fight this. It’ll just make it worse or blow back on the team. We can’t take that if we are going to make it to finals.”
Kevin’s face scrunches awkwardly, “So you aren’t…”
Neil grits his teeth, “What, Kevin?”
“Sleeping with him?”
“No! What?! No,” He exclaims, “You know I don’t swing. He’s just doing his usual shit. Nothing I can’t handle.”
“The others think-”
“Let them think what they want,” Neil cuts him off, done with the useless conversation, “I’m doing this for the team. I couldn’t give less of a shit about rumours.”

It was a mixed practice and their agitated French and lack of training had attracted the attention of the players around them, who had been watching their conversation like a tennis match.

“I can take care of myself. Stay out of my business.”

They continue to stare at Neil as he jogs away, his bruised thighs screaming at him to stop.

-

Kevin starts cleaning him up like he used to.

-

Andrew flicks his cigarette as Kevin approaches his cabin. The ash lands on the mossy wooden decking below.

“Neil needs your help”
Andrew quirks a brow, “Neil’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.”
Kevin knots his hands into his sleeves, Andrew guesses it’s to stop them from shaking.
“No, he can’t. Not from this.”
“And what is it you think he needs?”
“The same thing I did. I need you to offer him the same thing you offered me”
Andrew looks up at him, eyes narrowing, “The same thing? I don’t think Neil wants protection from him. If you listened to Nicky, Neil would be pretty glad for some alone time with our favourite little bird boy.”

Kevin starts pacing, “You don’t know Neil like I do. I know he’s only been here a few weeks, but he doesn’t want- He needs your protection. You’re the only one that can give it to him.”
“Surely Neil can control his emotions. I’m not Betsy. He doesn’t need me for that.”
“It isn’t Neil’s emotion!” Kevin hisses, “It isn’t Neil’s choice!”
Andrew stills. Wind rushes in his ears. Surely not. He would have noticed. Surely, he would have noticed?
“What do you mean?” He says lowly. Quietly.

Kevin wrings his hands in frustration, “He’s blackmailing him. He knows Neil’s family. It’s just like- It’s just like before.”
“Did he ever touch you?”
“What?”
“Riko,” Andrew clarifies quietly, rage boiling beneath his skin, “Did he touch you?”
Kevin’s face twists in confusion, “You know he did. He broke my hand.”
“No.” He says patiently, “Did he ever touch you like he’s touching Neil?”
Recognition floods Kevin’s face.
“They aren’t fucking. Riko isn’t like that,” He says bluntly, “He’s torturing him. It’s why he won’t change out with us. It’s not just old scars.”

Andrew puts his neglected cigarette back into the pack. He’d been too involved in the conversation for his breath to keep it lit. He pockets his lighter and stands.
“Andrew, plea-” Kevin cuts himself off, “Our team won’t succeed if we lose Neil. We need him.”
Andrew scoffs, “Of course all you care about is fucking stickball”
“You know I care about Neil” Kevin continues quietly, “I need him.” He takes a deep breath, “He was with us. He was one of us. He was supposed to be Number Four.”

Kevin’s face is openly displaying his grief. His agitated hands have moved into his hair, almost tearing it out at its roots.

“I’ll ask.” He says, “I can’t do anything if he says no though.”

He steps inside and slams the door before he can see Kevin sink onto the steps in relief.

-

They are curled up in the girls’ cabin. Some sitcom plays on the small screen of the laptop sitting on the bunk across from them.  Matt and Dan are tangled together on her bed. Allison is at their side, wedged between them and Neil. Renee is perched on the floor at Allison’s feet.

Neil’s legs are extended out in front of him, and his baggy sweater is allowing his injuries underneath to air a little. It’s a small comfort, but he’s revelling in it. He winces every time Allison fidgets and shakes the bed.

Matt has been shooting him concerned looks. Neil should have known it would lead to something.

“So, Neil.” He says as the ending credits begin to roll, “We’ve had fun as roommates back in Palmetto, right?”
Where this is leading, Neil has no clue. Matt’s attempts at friendship have been kind of nice. He keeps his distance. He knows not to ask too many questions. He buys him salted popcorn along with his own sweet.
“Yes.”
“And you know I love being your friend?”
Is that what they were? Neil’s confusion must have shown on his face because Dan looks at him with pity.
“Okay.” Neil says slowly, “What do you want?”
“I don’t want anything!” Matt replies quickly, “I just want you to know you can talk to us. About anything. We’ll be here for you.”
“We care about you, not just as part of the team.” Dan interjects.  

Neil studies their faces. They seem sincere. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks”

-

At evening practice, Neil and Kevin stay behind to work on some extra drills. They meet Andrew, who is smoking outside and start to make their way back to the Cabins.

Abruptly, Kevin stops walking. Through a copse of trees, he can see the upperclassmen lounging on a picnic bench. Twilight has settled in, and there is a hum of lightning bugs around them, giving the air a dreamy quality.

“It has to be someone from another team. He never seemed like this in Palmetto.” Dan says.

“He doesn’t room with Kevin in Palmetto though,” Allison says, “And Andrew lets them talk despite Neil’s Ex-Raven status. Ergo, Boyfriends.”

Kevin turns to look at Neil with a glare, “This is what I was talking about!” He whispers, “They should be talking about Exy, not gossiping about your love life!”

“Bullshit!” Dan exclaims, “Kevin is not capable of being interested in anything other than Exy. And he wouldn’t need to sneak out his cabin if it was him. And Kevin has a girlfriend.”

“Okay, but Neil doesn’t talk to anyone else. Apart from Andrew, and it’s obviously not him,” Allison argues back.  Neil can’t see their faces through the thick branches. He thinks that if he could, he’d want to run. They weren’t supposed to notice him, never mind be invested in his non-existent romantic life. “He fights with Jean and Riko sometimes. Maybe it’s one of them.”

His fists clench in frustration. Why did they care? Why did they think it was okay to speculate about his life and pry into his business?

“Boring.” Andrew says loudly, “Lets go.” Neil hears hushed curses and a bottle fall over through the trees. He feels oddly vindicated.

-

Neil breathes in Andrew’s smoke. On the roof of Andrew and Aaron’s cabin, their spot is obscured by the rise of the skylight and the trees either side. It gives them a perfect view of the lake and ensures curious eyes can’t see.

“What’s your favourite colour?”
Andrew huffs minutely. “That’s your question?”
Neil sets his gaze on him expectantly. The bright sun shines through Andrew’s hair, lighting it like a golden halo. It gives a glow that dabbles along his high cheekbones.
After a minute he says, “Black.”
Neil leans back against the roof, contented. “I only realised my favourite colour last week. Now it feels important.”

Andrew takes another drag before replying, “Do you want protection?”
 Neil swallows thickly. He watches Andrew smoke two more cigarettes.

“What I’m running from,” He says, “No one can protect me.”
Andrew’s lips quirk, “Wow, deep.”
Neil barks out a laugh, “No, just true.”
“Maybe I couldn’t protect you from everything. But I could protect you from Riko. If you gave me something in exchange.”
“What would you want?”

Andrew stays silent. Neil feels inordinately seen in their silences.

“I can’t.” Neil whispers, suddenly hoarse, “After I left the Nest, I promised I was done hiding from Riko. If I take your offer I’m still hiding. I want to stand on my own two feet. None of this means anything if I don’t.”
“And this has to mean something?” Andrew says disparagingly.
“Considering this is the last thing I’ll ever do, yes. Riko has given me a deadline. I know I can’t beat him. Not at this.”
Andrew is silent for a moment, contemplative, “Then he’s already shown his hand. Why let him take more?”

Neil’s head spins a little. The setting sun makes the Camp look pretty. Peaceful. Andrew lights a fifth cigarette and Neil watches the way his lips pout around the tip to balance it in his mouth as he lights it.

“I want to stay here. I want this. I don’t want to be a Raven, and I don’t want to be my father. I want to be a Fox and I want you,” He says in a sudden rush, “And I want Kevin. And I want Jean to be safe and I want a normal life until I die. Riko is just the price I have to pay for it.”

Andrew’s eyes flick from Neil’s windswept hair to his fidgeting hands to his brown contacts. “You say want very freely. Watch out, that can get you killed”

“This is just easier.” Neil acquiesces.

“Fuck easier.” Andrew says.

Neil picks the moss off the slates and throws it over the edge. He watches it tumble to the ground. Maybe Andrew is onto something.

“The others are having a party by the lake tomorrow night. Will I see you there?”

“Why the fuck would I go to that.” Andrew says flatly.

“It might be interesting. Watching the others make a fool of themselves. Free liquor.”

“Appealing to my non-existent attention span is cheap.”

Neil rolls his eyes, “And I promise to annoy Kevin about everything as much as possible.”

Andrew balances the cigarette between his lithe fingers. Neil leans down and takes a drag from where it rests in his hand. He sits up straight, then turns and blows the smoke directly in Andrew’s face.  

“You’re so stupid.” Andrew says. Neil swears the tips of his ears blush.

-

After afternoon practice, Andrew has a cigarette in one hand and a knife in the other. He’s got headphones in, drowning out the rest of the world. He is sitting outside the gym, carving a crudely drawn pair of rabbit ears into the picnic table.

Aaron walks over, yanks his headphone from his ears, and sits next to him. “We both know this deal isn’t working for us.”

Andrew’s hand stills. “I’m holding up my end.”

Aaron sighs, running his hand over his face, “I know, but you don’t have to anymore. I want out.”

Andrew doesn’t say anything. He knows Aaron wants out- he has since he met the cheerleader. Aaron has promised him four more years. He isn’t supposed to leave him till then. Andrew is supposed to have more till before he left. He can’t bear to be alone again yet.

Aaron huffs, clearly frustrated. “I know this isn’t working for you either. I have eyes, I can see how you look at him.”

Andrew tightens his grip on his knife. How dare Aaron try make this his fault.

“I’m not going to disappear just because we don’t have a deal anymore. I wanted a brother when I was looking for you and I still do. This won’t change that. Even if you are soulless.” Aaron says snippily. He stands, “Just think about it.”

-

Neil crawls back in the cabin window, the cuts on his stomach punishing him for it.

“He kept you later than usual” Kevin whispers. He’s sitting in the corner of his bed, knees pressed into his chest and his arms curled around them.

Neil slowly pulls his hood down. Kevin makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. It sounds like choking.

Neil knows what he’s seeing.

IV

“I guess I’m one of you now.” Neil says weakly. “Number four.”

“How did he even-“ Kevin starts, his voice shaky.

“I think the cool kids are calling them stick and pokes. Ingenious, really,” Neil attempts to joke. His voice is a little too thick to pull it off. Kevin knows him too well.

Kevin takes him into their small bathroom. He wets a cloth with vodka and pats down Neil’s face. He rubs some balm into his skin and covers the area with a large Band-Aid. His hands shake and he looks at Neil with unrestrained sadness. His process is quick and practiced though.

“Dan won’t like this.” He mutters as he cleans the paper stiches on Neil’s torso from nights before, checking they are healing correctly, “It’ll really throw off team morale.”

Neil knows he’s right. He feels distinctly nauseous.

After Kevin’s thorough care, they crawl into their respective beds. Kevin takes a few gulps from the vodka bottle before pulling his pillow over his head and falling quickly asleep.

Neil stares at the cabin roof. Distantly he thinks that maybe in another life there is a version of him that is lying in this same spot. At camp with the windows open and maybe the cicadas singing. Maybe that version of him feels peace because nothing bad has happened to him.
Maybe that version of him has had his biggest pain be teenage heartbreak and his greatest loss flunking college.

But Neil’s face stings.

And picturing his life without violence and ruin feels so unfamiliar that it feels uncomfy.

Violence and ruin and struggle are baked and beaten into him.

That is the condition of a Fox, he thinks bitterly.

He is a Fox, and he is cornered.

He has nothing left. So, he does the only thing he has left.

He picks up his shitty flip phone and dials the number he’s had memorised since he was 16. Since he thought he could run.

“Uncle Stuart. It’s Nathaniel. What is your relationship with the Moriyamas?”

Neil was always going to die young. The least he could do was clean up some of the mess on his way out.

-

“Jean,” Neil says, “We need to talk.”
Jean blinks up at him. “Not here, not now.”
“It has to be now. Number One isn’t here yet and I need to talk to you without interference from him. You know he doesn’t let us speak when he doesn’t understand.”

Jean scoops up his apple from his tray and gestures for Neil to sit at the other end of the table, three seats from everyone else and conveniently abandoned. He turns to the odd mixture of Ravens and Trojans that he is sitting with, “I’m sorry, mes amis, but I need to speak with Neil. I will come back shortly.”

“No worries, Man.” Jeremy grins up at them cheerfully, “Got to let old friends catch up!”

Jean’s face softens slightly when he speaks. Neil finds his enthusiasm unsettling.

“What is this about?” Jean hisses furiously, “You know he does not like me speaking to you.”
“Is that just reserved for night-time then?” Neil sneers, before shaking his head and correcting himself. He has no time for anger, “You need to make arrangements to leave the Ravens. I have ensured that Number One will not be an issue soon, and that will be your only time to act if you want to leave.”

Jean looks at him incredulously, “What do you mean he will not be an issue?”

Neil stews in the stony silence for a moment. “You know as well as I do that the Lord is not well. There will be a shift in power very soon. I have ensured that when there is, Number One will have no place in it. There will be no Number One.”

Jean’s jaw drops.

“So, join the Foxes, the Trojans, the Terriers, I don’t care. They expect 80% until we die, but it can be on our terms. We just have to make them money. Don’t waste this.”

Neil stands to leave, but Jean reaches out to catch his wrist. It is too blatant a gesture. Neil knows the other Ravens will report it back to Riko, and Jean will be punished.

“Thank you.” He says quietly, “Maybe once this is over, we do not have to be strangers any longer.”

Neil studies Jean’s earnest face. His mind flicks back to his impassive expression as he’d stitched Neil up every night for the past two weeks. Neil wonders if that keeps Jean up at night too, or if their history is overshadowed by Jean’s justification of his fight for survival.

“Maybe.”

-

Neil only gets one lap in before Andrew blocks his path.

“What happened to your face?”

Neil self-consciously fiddles with the edge of the plaster, “I fell off my bunk last night.”

Andrew bats his hand out the way and peels the Band-Aid off in one fell swoop. His face shutters. Nicky gasps. Renee looks between him and Andrew, “Is that...?”

“Four,” Andrew spits.

“For fuck’s sake,” Wymack grumbles.

Neil supposes he’s lucky that their morning practices are closed. Everyone knowing would have been worse. He can deal with the team hating him.

“Why?” Dan asks sharply.

“I didn’t- I don’t-“ Neil fumbles for words, for some explanation, “I want to be a Fox. I want to be a Fox for as long as you will have me. I never want to go back there.”
Dan doesn’t try to hide her fury. “Then why do this? We’ve been here for you Neil. We have tried our best to support you and we haven’t pried. All we asked for was a little loyalty. We are your friends. Why do this?”

The court was eerily silent in a way the Foxes never really were. Neil clenches and unclenches his fist. “Riko and I. Our families are connected. It’s not as easy as leaving and being done with him right now. I wouldn’t have done this if there was any other way.” He feels itchy. His mother was right, connections make you weak. “I have a plan. I’m going to be out soon. Just trust me for now.”

Dan sighs, defeated. She looks more sad than angry now, which doesn’t do anything to alleviate the icky feeling in Neil’s chest. “Alright. But you are on thin ice.”
She claps her hands before forcing pep back into her voice, “Let’s get going. Suicides, now!”

-

The sunset paints the lake a mural of orange, pink, and deep red. The ground is unsteady under his feet as the pebbles dig into the soles of his threadbare shoes. In the distance he can see some of the braver players skinny dipping in the presumably freezing lake water, splashing each other. People sit in small circles, lounging on the rocks. There must be at least 100 people there; probably the whole population of the Camp. There are three different kegs, ice buckets filled with beers, and bottles of liquor litter the ground. Closer to the lake edge, people are gathering driftwood and logs to make what Neil assumes will be a bonfire. He’s not on the beach though. He’ll be fine. Battery operated fairy lights are strung up between sticks that are dug into the ground as makeshift stands.

Neil vaguely thinks that this could be a teen movie poster.

“Neil!” He hears a shrill voice from further down the beach shriek, “You came!”
Allison tackles him in a strong-armed hug and Neil does his best not to flinch. “Come sit with us!”

-

Neil approaches the mismatched group. All the Foxes are present. Neil is warmly surprised that Andrew came. He nods at him when Neil gives a sarcastic two fingered salute. Kevin had left the cabin an hour before him, and so Neil isn’t surprised to see him draped over Jean’s shoulder, half a litre of vodka deep.

Aside from the foxes, there is a mixture of Ravens, Trojans, and Terriers. Neil recognises every player. He could tell you their names and stats off by heart, but he has actually spoken to slim to none of them. From the Ravens, he’s spoken to Jean but no one else. Very few of them were Moriyama property like they were and so had joined after Neil’s time- at a normal college age.

Jeremy sits between Kevin and Matt but makes a space for Neil between himself and Kevin when he sees him approaching. He’s directly across the circle from Andrew. Laia and Alvarez are beside Allison as she sinks back into her spot.

“Kevin,” Neil says quietly, hoping not to draw attention from the others. “Before, you seemed surprised that it was Riko. You saw my wrists. You saw me sneak out. What did you think was happening?”
Kevin rouses at Neil’s quiet French and rolls off Jean’s shoulder to look at Neil dizzily. “Well, he’s the only one you talk to, apart from me” He slurs, “and he’s so grumpy and you’re so uptight, and your wrists made sense, because of, y’know, Roland. So, I don’t think I was being that stupid.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Are you dumb? Andrew.”

Jean is watching their conversation raptly, amusement curling his mouth into a smug little grin. Kevin takes another gulp from his vodka bottle.

“You thought I’d been sneaking out to see Andrew? Why would he be handcuffing me?”

Jean chokes on his beer. Kevin flops his head into his hands. “Jesus Christ, Neil. Dan was right, you do need google. It is free, you know!”
Neil’s head spins. “What the fuck.”
“I thought you were so clever and observant. I thought you were Mr Investigator-Manipulator Extraordinaire! I’m saying nothing else. If you’re so clever, you figure it out.” Kevin rolls back onto Jean’s shoulder.

Jean looks like he’s about to giggle. Neil sends him a withering glare.

“This explains so much, mon amie. You always have been clueless.”

-

From somewhere behind him, Neil hears whooping and shouting.

Suddenly, Neil smells the smoke.

He feels the heat on his neck. The saltwater air is stinging his skin. He feels the sticky slick of blood on his hands, on his stomach, in his mouth, on his legs. His head is heavy and thick. His throats closes and gags around the scent of gasoline. His fingers are curling, and he can’t stretch them back out again. The sky is getting closer, and his feet are moving, and the blood is on his hands, and he can’t get it off and his mother is screaming Run! Run! I told you to run! Did you forget everything I taught you? Did you forget? Do you not care? He’ll find you. He always finds you. We can’t outsmart him. He will always find us we just have to be faster and faster-

A hand on Neil’s shoulder throws him off and he spins around blindly, fist already clenched and connecting with the hard crunch of someone’s cheek.

“What the fuck, Dude!”

English, French, Japanese, German

His heart slows fractionally.

English, French, Japanese, German

He blinks his eyes slowly, forcing away the auburn hair and the cold eyes and the cruel smile.

English, French, Japanese, German

“Sorry,” He pants, “I thought you were someone else.”

The player looks at him wildly, at the back of his mind Neil vaguely recalls him from the Terrier line up. A dealer, he thinks. “I was just coming see if you were okay. Your friends chased you, like most of the way up here.” He was pressing his cold beer to his face. A make-do icepack, Neil supposed. “What kind of psycho just goes around punching people?”

English, French, Japanese, German

Neil stares at him blankly and then turns away.

“Fuck off,” He hears someone say, but it’s like his head is underwater. He needs to focus on getting the feeling of burning hot sand from his skin. His mind from the soot on his skin. From the blood flaking between his knuckles.

English, French, Japanese, German

He slumps on the ground as the guy retreats. He puts his head between his knees like Andrew had done.

English, French, Japanese, German

He’s aware someone is next to time but doesn’t really care. He doesn’t know how long he sits there. He swears he can feel blood under his fingernails.

English, French, Japanese, German

“What happened.” Andrew drawls flatly. Was that who it was? He twirls a knife between his fingers.

English, French, Japanese, German

Neil focuses on the strong flex of his hands, the way his fingernails are painted black and have little chips and the way his capable fingers curls around the knife handle.

English, French, Japanese, German

If it was anyone else, Neil would have flinched, he thinks.

English, French, Japanese, German

“I didn’t think that there would be-“ Neil starts, before his throat catches. “My mum ran without me at first. I know you know but, um. But she came back for me when I was 16. My dad caught us six months in. We were running somewhere in California. Some of his people caught up. So, I burned her body in our car on the beach. And then I ran on my own”

Neil looks over at Andrew almost expecting horror, or revulsion. Neither are there.

Andrew slides his knife back into his armband, “You didn’t think there would be a bonfire at the night-time lake party?”
“I don’t know. I mean I kind of knew, but I didn’t really-“
“-Think it through?” Andrew cuts in, “When do you ever?”

Neil lets go off the breath he’d been holding. The tension leaves his shoulders. He doesn’t know why he’d expected anything different from Andrew. He knew about Tilda, about the crash. Andrew had the same tragedy in him that Neil did.

“Kevin thinks I should see Betsy.”
He huffs a breath; it’s the closest Neil’s seen to his laugh, “Yeah, you’re fucked.”
“That’s not true.”
“So your lung’s sporadic inability to work isn’t psychosomatic then?”

Neil stays silent.

“That’s what I thought” He picks up a pebble and throws it back towards the cabins. Neil thinks he can hear a crack. “A man can only have so many issues, Neil. You might have less if you saw Bee.”
Neil tracks the line of his jaw with his eyes before he answers, “How can you of all people trust her so much?”

Andrew looks forward to the lake. The people swimming are playing some sort of fighting game and climbing all over each other. Neil wonders if he’ll ever be so carefree. He smooths his hand over the band-aid on his cheek.

“My court-ordered medicine made me manic. Bee took me off it.”

Andrew’s face is impassive as he speaks, but the tell-tale tick of his jaw muscle gives away just how much effort it takes him to allow this truth. It clicks. Andrew needs control. He’d had it taken from him time and time again. Over and over. Betsy gave it back to him. Freely.

“I’ll go if you go.” Neil says.

“I already go.”

“Not with Aaron.”

The twins inability to work together was throwing off their defence line. It made team meetings awkward, not to mention making both twins grumpier than they needed to be. As far as Neil could tell, their feud was a messy mix of co-dependency and resentment. If Neil had more time, he might’ve tried fixing it himself. But he only has a few weeks. At most. Andrew looks at him, all sarcasm and boredom.

“Come to Columbia with us this Christmas. After this.” He says.

“Sure” Neil says quickly.

Andrew studies his face for a short moment. He stands and walks back down the beach to their group. Neil joins not long after.

-

Conversation was lively, the teams had integrated properly, and more people had joined their circle. The crackle of the bonfire was almost starting to feel comforting.

Then Riko saunters over.

“I was promised a party! What do you say we make this more interesting?”

Neil, Kevin, and Jean all straighten at the sound of his voice. The tension in Neil’s shoulders returns.

“I think we are having a perfectly fun party without you, so I don’t think it’s an us problem if you aren’t having fun.” Allison says snarkily.

“Aw come on, don’t be like that!” Riko croons, “I just want to liven things up a bit. A game perhaps? I’m sure everybody is familiar with Never Have I Ever. Is that not a classic party game?”

“Fine,” Dan says stiffly, though not unkindly, “Let’s play!”

“Perfect,” He drawls, “I’ll go first. Never have I ever…” He pauses for dramatic effect and looks round the circle to ensure he has everybody’s attention, “taken my clothes off for money.”

“For fuck’s sake, I knew this was a bad idea.” Matt grumbles as Dan drinks. She grips his arm with a firm squeeze and turns towards the group, head held high.
“I am not ashamed of my past. Yes, my circumstances were harder than most, but I did what I had to do and I don’t regret it.”

Riko adopts a pet lip as he drops his smile. The amusement doesn’t quite leave his eyes though.
“I mean no harm!” He rushes, feigning innocence, “There are many contexts that this applies. Kevin’s shirtless Sports Illustrated, for one. Laila’s Nike post.”

Kevin grudgingly drinks along with Jeremy, Laila, Enas (a Terrier’s striker), and Jean.

Riko’s smirk returns, “What is it you’re drinking, Captain? Hennessy, is it?”

Jeremy quickly jumps in as Dan’s hand tightens around Matt’s arm, knuckles going white, “Nah, I’m drinking Corona. Can’t handle my liquor! Much more a light beer fan.”

A few people chuckle to undercut the tension. It doesn’t work. Dan clears her throat and turns on a dazzling smile, “My turn? Great. Never have I ever led a pseudo-cult that no-one can be better than me in.”

Riko chuckles loudly and tips his cup to the circle in a mock toast before taking a long drink. Neil can see the tension in his eyebrows, but his show-biz smile is intact.

“Never have I ever dyed my hair!” Alvarez chips in, probably due to Jeremy’s pleading eyes.
One of the Terriers, Scott, throws a pebble at her before drinking, “Laaaame!”

“Oh!” Nicky says excitedly, “Never have I ever kissed a member of the same sex!”

“You’re an idiot,” Laila says, pausing to take a sip, “It’s supposed to be something you haven’t done!”

The two descend into bickering and that momentarily sends everyone else into their own conversations, begging for gossip about their answers.

“Uh and how do you know that I have?” Nicky says huffily, “Seems like stereotyping to me.”

“You literally just told me about your future husband, a.k.a current boyfriend.”

Neil want to look across the circle but forces his eyes to the ground. Why does he want to know? Knowing his answer wouldn’t change anything. This is ridiculous, Neil thinks. He can look up. It’s not a big deal.

He lifts his eyes to find Andrew staring at him unashamedly. His mouth twitches slightly as he slowly raises his solo cup to his lips and takes a long sip. He lowers his cup and chases a stray drip with his tongue, quickly swiping it across the rim. Neil wonders what that tongue would feel like on his neck.

He’s blushing.

“Staring,” Andrew mutters lowly, just loud enough for him to hear.

Neil desperately looks away to his left. To where Jean is staring at him.

He’s clearly just finished taking a sip because his straw is resting on his lip, but his mouth is quirked into his smug little smile from earlier. He flicks his eyes from Neil to Andrew, who he hopes is no longer looking. Or maybe he hopes he is. He refuses to look back.

“You really are clueless.” Jean whispers.

“Um, Neil!” Nicky calls, “You didn’t drink!”
“I don’t drink.” Neil stutters. He can’t stop thinking about Andrew’s tongue. Why can’t he stop thinking about Andrew’s tongue? Maybe he’s going insane.
“It doesn’t have to be alcohol, silly. This is just a game of truths. So, are you going to drink?”
“No.”
Neil almost wishes he could die right now.
Nicky shoots a pointed look to where Riko is sitting, having already drank, “Okay. Sure, Jan.”

“Nicky,” Renee admonishes quietly, “Think about what you are doing.”

Neil uncomfortably looks away and Riko hums, pleased. Renee must sense Neil’s increasing need to disappear into the floor because she quickly moves the conversation on, “We haven’t heard from the Terriers yet. Please, Scott, go ahead.”
Scott laughs bodily, “I don’t think you assholes are ready for me! Never Have I Ever…”

A few more rounds pass in peace. That is until Riko swoops.
Riko coughs.
“Never Have I Ever taken a Class A Drug.”

“Wait, Matt, seriously?”

“Ahh it’s chill, Junior year was rough.”

“Fair Enough. Never Have I Ever skinny dipped.”

“Alvarez, grow the fuck up and drink. We were both in that fountain! Never Have I ever had phone sex.”

“Rodriguez!”

“He stays in Long Island! What the fuck else are we meant to do? Shit, let me think of a good one… Never Have I Ever been kicked out a club.”

Riko taps his ring on his cup.

“Never have I Ever had an eating disorder.”

“Right, way to kill the vibe. Never have I Ever been cheated on.”

“Don’t give me that look, Dan, I know you knew Tessa was a bitch! It didn’t make her any less hot though. Okay- I don’t mean this one to be aimed but it definitely is: Never Have I Ever been a dick to a reporter.”

“You’re cruel, Allison! You know he deserved it. He wouldn’t stop asking about my sports bras. Um, this is actually quite hard? Never Have I ever skipped practice because I was hungover”

Riko touches his hair.

“Never Have I Ever been cut off from my parents.”

“Literally who the fuck asks a question like that. That’s insane person behaviour. Have you Raven’s ever been to a real-life party before?”

“Nicky…”

“I mean- I’m right but anyway! Never Have I Ever sent nudes to the wrong person”

“Never Have I Ever killed someone.”

“Right! No!” Allison exclaims, “Fuck off. No one answer that. Lord knows it’s no surprise that the Ravens don’t know how to have fun but, Jesus Christ, this is ridiculous. This is a very simple game. From now on we keep questions to sex and simple teenage rebellion.”

Riko leans forward. He’s aiming for casual, but his gait is all wrong. He looks more like a jungle cat about to pounce. “Got to have control, do you, Alli? You sure you can handle drinking that beer? Not too many calories for you?”

“Choke and die, Riko.”

“It’s not our fault that you are all so fucked up that we don’t know your baseline,” he says. “We just presume that anything bad that has happened to us has happened to you tenfold. Poor little darlings.”

“Do we really need to bring our personal lives into this? It’s petty and very disrespectful” Renee says evenly, though her tone betrays an unexpected edge.

“If you aren’t so fond of our jokes, we’ll leave. This has been fun.” Riko sighs as he stands and walks a few paces before he turns back to add, “I’ll see you tonight, Nate. Yes?”

“No”

Riko stills. “What?”

“I’m done, Riko. I’m not coming tonight.” Neil angles his body away from the others, trying to maintain some semblance of privacy, “I’m not doing this tonight.”

Riko smirks, “Aw, Nate. Don’t be so sensitive! It was just a game.”

Neil feels the rage boil up inside him.

English, French, Japanese, German

“Cut it out. You know what the fuck I’m talking about,” He grits out, “I’m not doing this anymore. We’re not in the Nest and it’s time we started acting like it.”

English, French, Japanese, German

“Nathaniel, you know better than this. I own you”

English, French, Japanese, German

“Hey Buddy, is there a problem here?” Matt says, swaying slightly as he stands.

“No.” Riko says dismissively, before turning back to Neil and continuing in biting Japanese, “Not once you learn your place.”

English, French, Japanese, German

“We weren’t asking you,” Dan says from her spot on the ground, “We were asking Neil. So?” She turns to him, “Verdict?”

English, French, Japanese, German

Neil stares angrily into the distance before shaking his head minutely. Riko has taken too much from them tonight. He turns to sit back with the others.

“Damn. What’s the problem, Nate? Cat got your tongue? Don’t have anything to say when Kevin and Jean aren’t cowering behind you?”

English, French-

Fuck it

“You know, I get it” Neil says, twisting to look at Riko, pouring as much condescension and contempt as he possibly can into every word, “Being raised a star must’ve been really difficult for you. Lonely is the head that wears the crown! Always a commodity, never a person. Kevin and I talk about your deeply entrenched cowardice and endless daddy issues all the time.”

Matt drops his beer. Neil vaguely processes the area getting quieter, saving only muffled giggles and a pained groan from Kevin. He barely registers it over the aggravation tearing through him.

“Neil!” Jean says, low and frantic. Neil ignores him.

“I know it’s not your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with delusions of grandeur, and I know you are physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone or acting normal at a party for five fucking minutes like anybody else can, but I don’t think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Why do you think I left? Why do you think I’m not coming tonight? Being around you literally sucks the life from people. Pity only gets you so many concessions and you used yours up six insults ago. You gave me a deadline. You can’t do anything more than that. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.”

For a five-meter radius is complete silence. Riko is furious, that much is evident; his face is curled into an odious snarl. The Movie Star Glow is long gone. His controlled façade is cracking, replaced with pure unadulterated hatred.

“Neil,” Jean says, strangled and hoarse.

“I said please, Jean. I was nice.” Neil continues staring at Riko, refusing to be the first to back down. Riko takes three quick strides forward. His nose is almost touching Neil’s cheek when he next speaks. Neil can feel his hot breath on his face. 

“I thought you’d changed, Nathaniel. I thought you knew what was on the line. You have forgotten your place and you will regret it.” He whispers low and furious, “That is a promise.”

Neil nonchalantly steps away and sits back down, snatching Kevin’s vodka and keeping eye contact with Riko as he takes a lazy gulp.

“Okay,” He calls casually, “Now, fuck off.”

Riko strides back up the beach. He throws his drink into the fire, causing a huge pillar of flame.

As soon as he is out of sight, all fight leaves Neil’s body and he is very suddenly gasping for air.

“I hope you know what you are doing,” Jean says tersely, his face slack-jawed and horrified, and then in quick French, “I’ll try to calm him down.”
He stares at Neil a moment longer before tearing off up the beach after the rest of the Ravens. The group stays silent as Neil looks around; each face as shocked as the last.

“So it was Riko?” Dan says quietly. Neil can tell she’s trying very hard to control her voice. “It was Riko that you were hooking up with?”

Fuck.

Well, he didn’t think this part through.

“Riko. Who consistently undermines us? Who will not pass up any opportunity to humiliate us? Who leaked our lives to the press and vandalised our building? That is who you chose to hook up with.” She’s yelling now, her eyes are watery and wide, “The tattoo was bad enough! I thought you were a Fox now! Or is it once a Raven always a Raven?”

Neil feels like he’s been slapped. He can’t tell the truth now though, and especially not here. “My private life is no one else’s business.”

This is apparently the wrong thing to say, because Dan abruptly stands and stalks away. Matt chases after her.

No one speaks for a little while.

“She’s just annoyed she owes me two hundred dollars now. She’ll get over it.” Allison says, tossing new bottles to people around the circle, “Plus that rant was literally the best thing I have ever seen.”

Group conversation restarts again, thankfully, but now everyone is gushing about the ‘most brutal breakup ever’. Neil sees no point in correcting them. He smiles when Jeremy thumps him on the back and admits that Riko was an asshole, which feels like a feat in and of itself. Kevin flops back on the pebbles and says quietly, “Don’t think he won’t retaliate now.”

“What do I have left to lose? What use was there in pretending everything was fine?” Neil replies.

Kevin doesn’t answer him but snatches back his vodka when Neil offers. He takes four large gulps before he lets Jeremey coax him gently back into conversation.

Unconsciously, Neil finds himself looking at Andrew from across the circle. The flames cast shadows down his face. Just looking at him makes Neil think he may be safe after all. It lifts the guilty tightness in his chest just a little. It’s ridiculous.

Andrew catches him. His eyes are caught and don’t move from him. Andrew’s mouth twists into a smirk. He lifts his long fingers to his head and sends Neil a two fingered salute. Neil tries to hide his grin in his shoulder, but glances back to find Andrew still staring at him, pleased. Neil’s stomach does silly little flips.

Neil internally rejoices when his mother stays silent in his head.

“Right, who’s ready for Ring of Fire!” Someone shouts.

-

They don’t speak when they got back from the party. Aaron is drunk enough that he stumbles into bed fully clothed. He is lying on his back. The duvet is curled around him, and he has a stolen bottle of liquor in his fist. Andrew thinks he looks like an idiot.

“I want to change the deal,” Andrew says into the dark of their room.

Aaron makes an unintelligible grunt.

Tomorrow, Andrew thinks.

-

Neil wakes up the next morning feeling surprisingly peaceful. Then Kevin’s phone falls off his bedside table and does its best impression of an angry woodpecker, vibrating on the floor. Neil throws his pillow at Kevin’s head.

Kevin groggily rolls over and throws up in the wastepaper basket before answering.

“Right. We’ll be right there.”

Neil smooths his unruly brown hair with his fingers before heading to the bathroom to put in his contacts. He wonders if this is necessary anymore. He has a death date, why does he need to hide?

“Who was it?”

“Coach.”

“Extra practice?”

Kevin glares at him, “Riko.”

-

At the court, the atmosphere is rancid, in both energy and smell. The Foxes’ locker rooms were completely torn apart.  Locker doors were ripped off their hinges, and the room was filled with manure. Bits of equipment and uniform were strewn around the room in shreds.

The worst is the walls.

A trail of blood starts at the door and paints a trail over every wall. On the final wall, a fox is hanging from a noose, it’s stomach ripped open and it’s innards spilling out onto the floor. Written on the wall in it’s blood is, “Soon, Junior.”

Kevin runs out to throw up in the hallway.

English, French, Japanese, German

“This is ridiculous!” He hears Dan rant to Wymack, “It’s not as if they don’t know who did it! DO they think it’s a coincidence that no other team was targeted? They should be kicked out! They should be fucking disqualified!”

English, French, Japanese, German

Wymack grunts in agreement, “They can’t do that though. Edgar Allen funds this whole joint.”

English, French, Japanese, German

He has a plan Riko will be gone soon.

English, French, Japanese, German

Riko will be gone soon.

English, French, Japanese, German

He has a plan.

English, French, Japanese, German

He has a plan.

-

Allison runs her fingers through Neil’s hair as he lounges on her bed. Coach has given them the day off while he orders in new uniforms and equipment. His hands had only stopped shaking after they had eaten lunch and then dinner without incident. Dan and Renee are painting each other’s nails a sparkly lavender. Matt is sitting on the floor playing some video game on Dan’s laptop. Dan still hasn’t spoken to him.

“You are really wasting your potential, you know” Allison says absentmindedly, “With just a slightly better haircut you could look ten times better. I wish you would let me cut it for you.”

Neil opens his eyes and looks up at her. He doesn’t have long to go. As soon as Camp is over, so is he. He may as well look nice in the ditch where he’s dumped. And a certain someone might like it, his brain supplies traitorously. Relationships will get you killed, his mother screams, equally as unhelpful.

“Okay.” Neil says.
“What?” Allison squeals.
“Yeah, go ahead. Call Nicky though, he’s been bugging me twice as much as you.”
“Of course,” Allison says dismissively, shooting off a text and pulling up her Pinterest board, “So I’ve been thinking something a little like this…”

-

After Nicky leaves, Andrew tries again. It takes more of him to speak than he’d like to admit.

“I want to change our deal.”

Aaron looks up from his textbook and seems to realise Andrew is being serious, so sets his textbook aside. “Okay. I want to be free to date Kate.”

Andrew pulls his knife from his armband and twirls it in his fingers. He briefly contemplates shoving it in his neck. It would be less painful than this conversation. He decides it would probably spoil the cozy vibe.

“If she hurts you, I’ll kill her,” He says. This much he can allow.

Aaron bristles, “She would never-! Whatever, if you need that then fine, Psycho.”

He looks down at his books, schooling his expression back to calm. Andrew watches him impassively.

“We’re going to Betsy,” Andrew says, surprising himself. Neil has wormed his way into his brain. Foolish.

“We both already go to Betsy.”

“Together.”

Aaron pauses, “Fine.” His face has softened slightly to an expression Andrew hadn’t seen since they first met- It’s hope, Andrew thinks. Maybe that’s the lightness in his chest. It feels foreign.

-

“Okay!” Nicky says excitedly, “We’re done!”

“Want to see?” Allison says.

Neil runs his fingers through his hair. It’s much shorter at the sides than before, though his loose curls are still on the top. His hair feels much softer than before. “Nah, I’m good. If you say I look good, I probably do. Thanks.”

“Not afraid to run your mouth with Riko and get the wrath of his evil clan, but afraid of a mirror? You really are fucked up Neil.” Nicky says with a giggle. Neil shrugs.

Dan appears at the doorway. “Looks good.”

“Thanks,” Neil says. Nicky and Allison slip out of the bathroom, leaving them alone.

She looks like she’s steeling herself to talk. Neil waits.

“So, Riko isn’t the most well-adjusted person.”

Neil snorts. “Understatement of the year.”

Dan smiles slightly, “And if that was his reaction to you dumping him, I can see why you wouldn’t want to leave him. So, I guess I’m trying to say that I’m sorry. For reacting like I did.” She perches on the edge of the counter, a little more in Neil’s space than he’d normally feel comfortable with. “I think you have terrible taste in men, but everyone has a boyfriend they regret. So, it’s okay.”

“He wasn’t my boyfriend.” Neil says quickly.

Dan huffs a laugh, “Yeah, that tracks. I just wish that you’d trust us, Neil.” She clasps her hands together around Neil’s wrist. “We want to be here for you, but we can’t do that if we don’t know what’s going on. We’re your friends and we deserve better than that.”

Neil yanks his hand out her grip, “If you always got what you deserve, you wouldn’t be a Fox.” He rubs where her hands had touched him, before he quietly adds, “I’m trying.”

That seems to be enough for Dan because she stands and lightly ruffles his hair, then leaves.

-

Aaron opens the door of his cabin. Neil stands there with Nicky, who is practically vibrating.

“Neil let us cut his hair! Look how much better it looks. Not that you weren’t hot before, of course but now look at him! You’ll have to watch with Katelyn, Aaron, otherwise Neil will swoop in with his new hair and his…”

Neil tunes out Nicky’s babbling and cuts to the chase, “Andrew’s on the roof?”
He knew he was. He’d seen the cigarette smoke rising from the cabin as he was walking over.

“Why do you need to know?”

“Fuck off,” Neil says as he shoulders through the doorway past him and bounces up the bunkbed ladder.
He’s on his knees pushing the skylight open when Aaron yells, “Don’t get mud on my bed! And don’t mess up my notes.”

Neil sends him a wicked grin and puts his grubby trainer directly onto Aaron’s stack of notes as he pulls himself up.

“Fuck you, Josten!”

Neil is still laughing to himself as he settles down next to Andrew on the roof. His foot is balancing on the piping for leverage. That doesn’t last for long because Andrew grips the back of his head, yanking his head down to get a better look at it.

Neil is absurdly nervous for his reaction.

“Nicky and Allison washed out the dye and cut it a bit. I’m not really sure what it looks like.” He chuckles, “Do you like it?”

Andrew inspects his head a moment longer before releasing him. “Unexpected honesty from a compulsive liar.”

He hopes that means he likes it.

He knows he’s going to die. He’s not stupid. There is no question about it. It won’t be the end of the year like Riko had promised, but in a few weeks, Neil will probably be dead. Of this, he is sure. There is no way that Stuart and his men can find his father and all his men before they get to him. It is impossible. If he is going to die, he has nothing to lose.

“Kevin and Jean think you like me.” He says cockily.

“’I like you’? Are we in middle school?” Andrew flicks his cigarette over the roof, “Pathetic.”

“Oh wow. Nice avoidance.” He desperately hopes Andrew doesn’t look too closely. He feels like he’ll crack in two.

Andrew doesn’t say anything. He looks at Neil flatly.

“You do. You like me.” Neil says around a grin.

“No,” Andrew says evenly, “I hate you. Every inch of you.”

“They won’t like being wrong. We all know Kevin is a bad loser.”

“It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you.”

“Oh.” Neil says quietly, heart racing.

Andrew scoffs and sits up, “Once you’re done having a breakdown about this, let me know.”

Neil doesn’t know how long he sits there after Andrew leaves. Long enough for the sun to set. Long enough that by the time he crawls back through the skylight, Aaron complains that Neil is ruining his sleep.

-

Week 3

The whole next day is torture.

Since their equipment is ruined, they go to the Terriers and the Trojans to ask for spares. No one suggests asking the Ravens.  It’s not ideal, but they manage to rustle up enough stuff for their afternoon practice. The uniforms don’t quite fit any of them. It’s odd to see the normally fluorescent Foxes in the emerald greens of the Terriers and the royal blues of the Trojans. Neil ponders for a moment if Riko is smarter than he’d given him credit for, because watching Andrew run laps in his slightly-too-small shorts is torture in its purest form.

Andrew doesn’t speak to him all day. He doesn’t even look his way.

Neil cannot stop staring. And thinking. Not if he tries to strategize Exy. Not if he solves Math equations in his head. Not if he counts as high as he can in every language he can. Nope. Nothing can stop his traitorous, silly, little brain from thinking about how soft Andrew’s lips might be. How his teeth would feel nipping his lips. How his hands would comb through his hair. How his thighs stretch those stupid, tight, green shorts.

It’s like Andrew knows what he’s done to him because although he doesn’t acknowledge Neil, he wears a small self-satisfied smirk that Neil suspects he is the only one to notice. He can’t get him out his head now that he’s flicked this switch. Now that Neil knows this is an option.

Neil trains twice as hard to try to distract himself. It doesn’t work. Dan thanks him for his enthusiasm.

-

“Neil,” Kevin says hesitantly, “This is the first night we’ve been here that you haven’t had to go to Riko’s.”

Neil looks at him. Kevin has a strange look on his face, an odd mix of determination and apprehension. “That’s not true. The first night you were passed out drunk, and last night you were just passed out.”

“Only because you spent half the night at Andrew’s,” Kevin says huffily, “And that’s beside the point.”

Neil almost doesn’t want to know what Kevin is on about. His curiosity wins out. “What is the point?”

Kevin does his best to come off confident, “We should have fun!”

“Kevin, you know I like you an awful lot, but I would prefer to just stay friends.” Neil smooths his face into a serious expression, but he knows Kevin can see his amusement underneath.

“Fuck off. I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it.” Kevin grumbles, “I’m so sorry for thinking we could try to be normal college students for once.”

Neil sighs, “What did you have in mind?”

Kevin’s face splits into a triumphant grin. He reaches under his bed and pulls out trash bags and duct tape, tossing them onto the floor between them.

“Swimming!”

Neil is speechless. He has half a mind to say no. His game has been off all Camp thanks to Riko. He should probably take advantage of the fact that he could take this time to get a full eight hours of sleep, something he can’t remember ever having.
But then he thinks about how he, Kevin, and Jean used to sneak out their rooms at night when Riko was away. How they’d find an abandoned area; a staircase, a storage room, a bedroom. How they’d play pretend, and wrestle, and try and scramble together some sense of a normal childhood with fun. He thinks about Riko’s single minded devotion to perfection. About Tetsuji’s carelessness with their innocence and desperation to be of use to his family. He thinks about the boy he pictured as he’d stared at his ceiling, who hadn’t been hurt yet. And he thinks, yeah, maybe they deserve a little fun.

“What about my stiches?”

Kevin rolls his eyes, “That’s what the trash bags are for.”

“Swimsuits?”

“Jeremy loaned me a couple of his.”

“So, we’re doing this?”

“We’re doing this.”

If they got chased back to their cabin (sopping wet and laughing like drains) by a security guard who had no chance of catching up with two of the best collegiate Exy stars in the country, then it was worth it to see Kevin grin like a kid, and for Neil to feel a lightness in his chest he couldn’t remember feeling since they had sat with their blankets over their heads in the Nest, whispering about what they could have been when they grew up.

-

Neil wakes up to a strong hand covering his mouth, more pinning down his limbs. His hair is still wet from the lake.

“Say one fucking word,” Riko whispers, cheek pressed to his, “And lose your tongue. Your father said I had to deliver you alive, not intact. Don’t push me.”

Neil sends a desperate glance to Kevin, but he is still snoring softly in the next bed. He is hoisted out of bed and lifted into the cold morning air. A makeshift gag is stuffed in his mouth. A tie, he thinks. He desperately tries to assess his situation.

The sun is beginning to rise. He probably has an hour before players start waking to head to breakfast. Maybe more.  The Camp is too quiet. There are no security guards.

He counts five Ravens. They have bandanas over their faces but he recognises them all. Hyun is their offensive dealer- he holds Neil’s ankles. Ketani is their first line goalie- she holds his right arm and Ashcroft, a backliner, holds his left. McGarva and Netto are acting as lookouts.

They are travelling quickly, carrying him further from the Foxes cabins. Closer to the lake and further into the trees. They are somewhere between the Trojan’s cabins and the Raven Cabins when they stop. Neil’s hands are forced behind his back and thick duct tape wraps around. He’s dropped unceremoniously to his knees. Ashcroft and Ketani place their feet on his ankles. Branches dig into his knees through his pyjama trousers. The morning frost eats away at the bare skin of his feet.

“I like you so much better like this, Nathaniel.” Riko drawls, “Unable to talk back. Knowing your place.”

Riko holds out his hand and McGarva hands him a thick length of rope. Neil watches Riko deftly wrap and knot it. He yanks Neil’s head back by his hair as he holds up the result, grinning maniacally. His stomach bottoms out. A noose.

He unceremoniously shoves Neil’s head through the loop. Hand still holding his head back, he spits a fat glob of saliva on Neil’s face.

He snarls at him to stand. Two of the Raven’s force him to his feet and lift him by his arms till his feet meet rough tree bark. He feels the rope around his neck tighten and tug as it’s strung up somewhere out of sight. Duct tape is roughly stuck over the gag in his mouth.

Riko’s approving smile is a sick, triumphant snarl. Neil is balancing precariously on a branch a few feet above ground. The noose is firmly around his neck, the rough jute rubbing his skin harshly.

“This will teach you to respect me,” Riko sneers then pauses, appraising him. He smacks Neil’s bruised stomach, and he wobbles dangerously. He hits him again and Neil falls, the noose catching him as he dangles in the air, feet scrambling desperately for purchase.

“Oh, this is fun!” He cackles, gesturing for the Ravens to catch Neil. They place his feet back on the branch and Neil breathes rapidly through his nose, desperate for breath. His gag stops him from breathing through his mouth. “A shame I won’t get to enjoy it though. You and Jean are my property. You would do well to remember it. Pass on the message.”

Riko strolls leisurely down the path through the trees towards the Raven cabins.

Neil desperately tries to think of a plan. He can’t move his feet, or bend to find something to cut the tape on his hands with, or test his boundaries of movement, otherwise he will fall from his branch and hang himself.

He is stuck waiting for help to come.

They’ve left his clothes on, which is a small mercy. At least, if a stranger comes, he won’t have to explain his scars along with his situation. The melting morning frost and sweat from his bare feet is turning the branch into a slippery mess. He stays as still as possible to fight for balance. His wet hair helps the cold seep into his bones fast and he rapidly can’t feel his feet or hands. Time turns to thick jelly as he stands and waits. And waits. And waits.

The sun is fully up before someone arrives. Neil sees them approaching and tries to shout through his gag, but it comes out a muffled whine. The person finally spots him and breaks into a sprint.

It’s Jean. He wants to cry with relief.

“Neil?” Jean says, “Neil? Oh god, I knew this would happen, I knew he wouldn’t stop.” Jean starts babbling in distraught French as he climbs into the tree, untangling the Raven’s mess. He unties the noose and lets Neil onto the ground. He rips the tape off his mouth and undoes the gag, throwing it to the side. He uses a rock to cut away the tape around his hands.

“Can you walk?” He says softly. He doesn’t ask what happened. He knows. Neil nods, taking a couple paces forward. Jean wraps his arm around him, under his armpits, taking his weight.

They walk in silence to his cabin.

“How did-“ Neil croaks, “How did they know you’d find me?”
Jean looks at him guiltily, “I’ve been staying with Jeremy since the party. That is the path I take back. I did not think Riko would care. I was wrong.” His step falters momentarily. “I’m sorry.”

Neil looks away from him and nods. He has a plan, he tells himself. He has a plan, and so must Jean now. Not much longer.

-

Kevin curses when he sees him. He calls Andrew and they shove Neil into a warm shower then soft clothes. They smell like Andrew. Feeling slowly returns to his hands and feet.

Coach comes to check on them when they don’t turn up at morning practice.

“Kevin will come later.” Andrew says with a bored expression, “Neil and I won’t.”

Wymack grumbles till he catches sight of Neil. His eyes fly from his rubbed-raw throat to his bruised hands. “I assume you’re taking care of this?” He says gruffly, nodding to Andrew. Andrew doesn’t acknowledge that Wymack has spoken. “I better see you on the Court tomorrow, Minyard.”

-

“I’m feeling better,” he says hopefully, “I could go to training now.”

 It’s not a complete lie. His fingers and toes can move. His knees have reduced to a dull ache. The red skin around his throat only stings slightly and hurts a lot less if nothing touches it. His jaw still feels stiff from being propped open, but he doesn’t need his mouth to play Exy. Watching Kevin leave for afternoon practice had felt like deliberate cruelty.

Andrew huffs, “Sure, junkie.”

“I’m a junkie?”

“No, you’re nothing.”

“Really, I am fine.” Neil stands from his bed and does some stretches to prove his point, “You can deter the Ravens with your knives. The physical pain can be ignored.”

“And who says I would go to practice? I officially have a sick day. Let Kevin be your safety.” Andrew says.

Neil shakes his head. “Kevin couldn’t be. Only you could.”

Andrew stares at him. “Don’t say stupid things.”

Neil’s hands unconsciously reach for his own neck, “I almost died today. I’m going to say whatever I like. Because it’s the truth.” His raw skin stings under his fingertips. It’s slightly satisfying. He feels untethered.

He moves to sit on his knees in front of Andrew and studies his face. His long lashes frame his eyes perfectly. He has a smatter of delicate freckles across his nose, which is slightly crooked from being broken too many times. He looks pretty, Neil thinks. Gorgeous.

Neil’s hands are clasped around his own throat. He’s desperate to feel something other than fear. He’s desperate to feel Andrew. To feel safe.
“Andrew,” He says, voice cracking.

Andrew searches his eyes and raises a hand to clasp the back of his neck, grounding him again.

“Tell me no.” Andrew says lowly.

“Yes, Andrew.” Neil gasps, “Yes.”

Suddenly, Neil’s senses are filled with Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. The press of his soft lips is desperate and intense. Neil surges to meet him. Pulling and giving everything he has. Andrew. Andrew. The hand on his neck makes its way up through his hair, carting through the curls and tugging gently at the back of his head. The other presses hotly at his waist, pulling him closer. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

And just as quickly as his senses are overwhelmed, it’s lost. Andrew wrenches himself away.

“This is a breakdown.” He says angrily, “I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.”

Neil watches him retreat to the other side of his room. His head spins. His heart stutters.

He hopes Andrew’s fingers are as shaky as his when he pulls out his phone to pointedly ignore Neil. He can’t bring himself to check.

He has to stay. He itches to run. This is exactly what he needed and the opposite of what was good for him right now. It feels far too close to being tethered, to being tied down, to belonging. His mother is screaming in the back of his mind. So, he curls into bed and pulls his covers over his head, letting time dwindle away.

-

A day without training had driven Neil half insane. He can feel the pull in his bones towards the Court.

Breakfast the next morning is tense for Neil. Wymack had suggested a private team meal in the common room instead of joining the other teams in the cafeteria. The upperclassmen and Nicky seek out his eyes, offering sad, pitying smiles which is worse than when they had been angry. Aaron is glaring angrily at his cereal. Andrew and Kevin are no different than normal- Andrew impassive and Kevin focused on Exy files. It’s very odd.

“What did you tell them?” He hisses, elbowing Kevin hard in the ribs as he sits.
He bristles, “I’m not stupid. I just said you had a rough night, but you were fine to practice today.”

“Neil,” Dan says, taking Neil’s hand. Her gaze keeps flicking down to where his bandage pokes out from under the polo-neck he’d borrowed from Kevin. “I just want to say, on behalf of the whole team, that we are here for you. No matter how hard things seem, we are all Foxes for a reason- so that we get another chance. Betsy offers wonderful support and all of us are here to talk if you need us.”

Neil supresses a snort. He wonders if Dan has to look online for new material for the speeches she gives him. In the past eighteen days he’s had more offers of help than he has had in his whole eighteen years of living.

 He turns to Kevin, “For fuck’s sake. They think I’m suicidal!”

Kevin looks at him with wide eyed surprise. It seems genuine. Neil wonders how he and Kevin grew up together when Neil has the gift of thinking through every action a million times over before he does it, and Kevin has the curse of never thinking a single thing through, aside from Exy. So much of Neil’s life is focused on staying alive and nothing else. The thought of killing himself feels kind of like a joke.

“Thanks, but I didn’t try to off myself. No injuries are self-inflicted.” He hopes that is enough to stop this intervention, but Dan’s face is going through a range of confused emotions, starting at pity and ending with abject horror.

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” He adds desperately.

“Good. Can I eat my fucking breakfast yet? Ow!” Aaron launches the bread roll that had hit him in the head back at Matt. It bounces stupidly off the couch behind him.

“Riko?” Renee presses gently.

“Yes.” Neil says slowly, “But I have a plan.”

Renee nods and then curls her hands around her forearms and looks to Andrew. As they gaze at each other, he watches gentle Renee melt away, replaced by someone with fathomless fury and steel. If Neil was normal, he might have been scared. He’s already hit his limit of emotion for this month.

Andrew shakes his head- just slightly, unnoticeable. As quickly as the Renee façade had disappeared, she is back, smiling kindly.

“What are we going to do about Aaron’s shit aim?” Neil says, hoping conversation will move on. Aaron launches his apple at him, and he quickly ducks out the way. Kevin drags Dan into discussing their drills for the day of training ahead.

“Y’know, you get this really stupid, constipated look on your face whenever someone tries to do something nice for you,” Nicky announces, “It just breaks my heart. I thought you should know.”

Allison smacks Nicky on the chest but exclaims, “Ha! Just like that!”, when she turns back to Neil.

“So,” Allison says sweetly, “What’s everyone asking Santa for for Christmas?”

His phone rings, thankfully. He steps away from the group to answer.

“The Lord is dead.”

The line cuts. Neil listens to the dial tone like a gospel.

-

Practices continue. Neil’s cuts heal nicely with no new ones to slow his progress. Kevin practices with his right hand in their closed sessions. The twin’s skills don’t improve, but they no longer seem like they are trying to kill each other on court. Jean has been doing extra practice with Jeremy and Laila at night. Life feels kind of charmed.

Neil finds Andrew in the Foxes changing room one day. Everybody else has left. Normally, after Neil waits for everyone else to shower and change, he has the changing rooms to himself. Andrew smokes outside and Kevin bitches at him for it while they wait. Nicky goes with the upperclassmen and Aaron fucks off with the Terriers players he miraculously made friends with, despite his personality.

But here Andrew is.

“Hey,” Neil says. Andrew doesn’t respond. He holds out Neil’s jersey and sits on the bench.  Neil grabs it quickly, pulling it on over his T-shirt. “Where’s Kevin?”

Andrew rolls his eyes, “He left.”

“Why?”

“I’m not his keeper.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Andrew levels Neil with a glare. “It’s cold outside. It’s warm here.”

Neil pulls the hem of his jersey nervously as his stomach churns with what feels suspiciously like hope. “And that’s the only reason you’re here?”

Andrew doesn’t dignify that with a response. Neil walks over to him slowly. He stops when he’s between Andrew’s parted thighs. Far too close, but not touching.

“Hey, Andrew?” He says hopefully, “I’m done freaking out.”

Andrew surges up, his soft lips meeting Neil’s. It’s nothing like their first kiss. It’s gentle, and it’s almost chaste. He feels like a bullet has been pulled out, or a dam has broken. Because this is everything.

Andrew pulls away. They rest their foreheads together for a moment, catching their breath. Neil is relieved to see the delicate blush across his cheeks. Andrew must feel this pull too. He must. Neil wonders if this is what the poets wrote about, what wars were fought for. He can understand it now.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

They meet again and it’s much less gentle. Andrew’s hands are in his hair, on his thighs, pulling him closer and closer. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. His mother was right This could get him killed. Andrew pulls on Neil’s wrists and puts them in his hair. Neil loses himself in this- this emotion, this intensity, this much of Andrew. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

They miss dinner, and hastily pull apart when they hear The Trojans coming in for their evening practice. They turn up to the gym session ten minutes late but that’s between them and Wymack’s raised eyebrow.

-

The Ravens are unnervingly well behaved. There are no massive retaliations, just snide remarks and disrespect.

The peace weighs on Neil’s shoulders. It’s itchy and uncomfortable. There is a storm brewing. It’s unavoidable. When Neil receives the first number, an anonymous text from a block phone, he doesn’t think anything of it. After the second, Neil knows it’s a countdown. It leads to the second last day of Camp, a day scheduled for the Foxes to face the Ravens in a ‘friendly’ scrimmage.

In between practices, he phones Stuart to pester him for updates.

“When should we expect things to change?”

“There is a plan in place, Nathaniel. Have patience.”

It’ll be fine, he reasons. He’d survived the Raven’s last test and will survive this one. A little psychological warfare was nothing. Riko wants him scared and stressed- that is nothing new.

His mother screams at him to run. She’s quieter now though. Like she’s underwater, or underground. It’s easier to ignore.

-

“Neil, I just want you to know that I totally get what you’re going through. My boyfriend freshman year broke up with me and I cried for literally like three days. I just want you to know that even though its super hard and heart-breaking right now, there is still so much to live for.” Her face is a perfect picture of sympathy as she babbles at him. Neil can barely register what she’s saying.

“Who are you?”

“Chelsea? Terrier’s backliner?”

Neil does his best to keep the grimace off his face when he thanks her quietly and turns back to his breakfast.

She squeezes his arm with a firm hand, slipping a piece of paper into his fist, “Anytime. If you need to talk shit you know where I am.”
She tightens her pony and casts a winning smile at the others before striding from the table.

Kevin glares at him, “Your drama is distracting everyone from the real purpose of this camp. That’s the third person today. You need to get it under control.”

Neil launches a grape at him, which bounces off his head and into Renee’s oatmeal.

Serenely, she scoops it out with her spoon. “I think we might need to spend more time on our aim at practice.”

-

Andrew is playing a slow haunting song from his phone. Neil is throwing wadded up bits of notebook paper off the edge of the cabin roof.

“Aaron isn’t going to like that you’re wasting his study materials” Andrew drawls, before laying back on the roof, seemingly soaking in the sun.

Neil can’t stop his hands from moving. He tears out another page and rips it into strips with quick, deft fingers. He’s humming with energy. He has never been stared at more in his life- between the face bandage hiding his tattoo, the rumours of his relationship with Riko, their breakup and his apparent subsequent suicide attempt, there is no lack of eyes looking his way, or strangers poking into his business. After a life of running and trying to go unnoticed, he feels seasick with the 180 his life has taken.

“How did you deal with it?” He asks, “People staring at you after the trial? How did you deal with them talking about your life and looking at you like something- like something to be pitied?”

Andrew stills, his prone form suddenly stiff, “Extreme apathy. Such is the blessing of a teen psychopath.”

Neil studies his face.

“And Bee.” He adds, “There’s no easy way for it to be better. You just have to make it be.”

Neil takes his pile of scraps and launches them off the roof in one big ball. He watches as they filter through the trees like confetti. It’s less satisfying than he’d hoped it’d be.

“You just have to make it.” Neil bitterly repeats.

“You just have to make it.” Andrew says, his body relaxing again.

Week 4

The final week of Camp is reserved for Scrimmages and free time. The games are in the mornings, and afternoons are for celebrations. Andrew and Neil generally disappear to an empty cabin instead.

The first three games are uneventful.
The Ravens vs. The Trojans- The Ravens win by playing dirty. At the afterparty, Dan and Matt win a couple’s pool contest and Aaron wins the team a trivia victory. In the woods, Neil runs his fingers though Andrew’s soft hair and pulls him close.
The Terriers vs the Foxes- The Foxes win because Wymack promises Andrew a quart of Johnnie Walker. The Ravens shout abuse from the bleachers. After, when Andrew is slightly closer to tipsy, he shows Neil his playlists and whispers quiet explanations. They join the Foxes to party after.  
The Terriers vs. the Trojans- The Trojans win. The Terriers really had no chance. On the roof of Andrew’s cabin, Neil tells him about how his mother used to sing along to the radio and darn his socks with red string. Andrew tells him how Cass used to bake on Sunday mornings.

The Game Day between the Ravens and the Foxes brings a buzz to camp. Breakfast is tense. Despite how hungover he is, Kevin is talking endlessly about each of the Foxes faults on court and exactly how they are going to be exploited. Dan, after ten minutes of his anxious ranting, tells him in no uncertain terms that if he does not shut up, she will forfeit the match. Neil’s phone buzzes and he doesn’t check it, unable to stomach the zero he knows will be there.

-

The game is a disaster. The Ravens decimate the Foxes.

It wouldn’t be as bad if they hadn’t spent the entire match also pointing out the personal shortcomings and tragedies of every single player. Nicky is sent off for punching the Raven dealer square in the jaw after he implies that Nicky wants to fuck the twins (‘One of them was the perfect little victim once. You’re just waiting for the right moment to take them both, Bender’). The referees didn’t hear him say it, the noise muffled by the glass. No one is mad at Nicky for it. Matt looks murderous enough that it’s safe to believe he would’ve done the same.

The Foxes had known that they were going to be beaten. It isn’t a shock. What is a shock, is how personally Riko is taking the win. He runs around court regally in victory laps before his fellow ravens lift him above their heads and chant King! King! King!

Neil is standing with the upperclassmen watching their pathetic display.

“Overkill much?” Allison says loudly, “It’s not as if this game means anything.”

Riko gestures to be put down and his Ravens quickly obey. “No, I suppose this doesn’t mean anything,” He says with a chuckle, “But I do love to win, and today I am just going to keep winning! Isn’t that right, Nate?”

Neil can see Andrew turn to pay attention from the corner of his eye. “Fuck off. You won! Big deal.”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Riko says, his mouth twisting into a cruel smile, “Change out then meet me back here, I’ll let know exactly what I am thinking.”

“As if,” Dan cuts in.

Neil can recognise a threat when he hears one. With any luck, Neil will be able to talk his way out of whatever Riko had planned for him. Worst comes to worst, he’ll have another prank on his hands or the usual torture. There was only so much that Riko could do now that he had ensured all eyes were on Neil at Camp.

“Let’s go.” He says, striding towards the changing rooms without checking to see if the others are following.

-

Matt is switching between giving him concerned glances and furious ones. Before he’d changed, Andrew had cornered Neil and told him that if he was going to go, he’d better know what he was doing. His glares were keeping the rest of his lot from saying anything to him.

“Neil, I really don’t think-“ Matt starts.

“I’ll meet you on the beach,” Neil says, quickly talking over him, “I just have to tell Riko to get to fuck once and for all.” He does his best to mould his face to a calm smile, “I’ll trounce you at Beer Pong, I guarantee it.”

The tension in Matt’s face alleviates slightly. “Just take care of yourself.”

Neil shoots him a smile and pushes through the doors leading to the Court. His shoes squeak loudly on the polished floors.

The Court is empty when he gets there.

“Hello, Junior.”

Not empty.

Neil’s blood turns to sludge in his veins. This was the voice that taught him to throw his knives, where to stab a man to kill him quickly. Where to stab to make it hurt. Her voice is nails on a chalkboard and haunts some of his worst flashbacks.

“Lola. I didn’t know the whorehouse opened this early?”

Magically, his voice isn’t shaking even though his breaths are coming in double time. He takes a couple steps back, wildly checking the exits. His heart sinks into his stomach. During the distraction of Lola, his father’s thugs have stepped out of the shadows. Romero at the fire-door, some men at the doors leading back to the changing rooms at both sides of the court. Fuck. Lola is leaning against one of the plexiglass court walls.

Lola’s cackle is ugly, “Gosh! You got your mother’s wit. Thank god you got your daddy’s looks though.” She paces leisurely towards him, hips swaying from side to side, “If you weren’t so short, you’d really be my type. Shame.”

She pulls a knife from her back pocket, “Don’t you dare think of running, Pretty Boy, not if you care about your boys.”

She is leaning into Neil’s personal space now, one of her hands caressing his face. “What are their names again? Oh, Kevin, Jean, Andrew.” She draws their names out in singsong. He can taste her cheap perfume. “But me and you are going to have so much fun until the main man arrives.”

She drags the knife point down his chest, the pressure slicing through his skin and his shirt alike. He barely holds in his wince. Taking his wrist, she leads him through the doors into the glass box of the Court.

She stops on the centreline. “Get on your knees, Junior. And promise that you’ll be good, please. This is going to hurt.”

She takes his jaw in her hands, and someone takes Neil’s arms from behind, holding him in a bruising grip.

“We can’t have you going back to your Daddy as someone else’s property.” She giggles, “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it for you.”

-

Then Nathan arrives, and the pain from Lola’s cuts pales in comparison to the visceral fear Neil feels.

“Nathaniel,” He says, commanding voice echoing in the Court, “My greatest disappointment.”

Neil can’t speak. He can’t move his face without excruciating pain. He is almost grateful that he is on his knees, because he thinks that this is when he might’ve collapsed had he been standing.

Suddenly, with an awful crack, Nathan is no longer looming over him.

Neil swivels around wildly to try and gage the situation as it descends into chaos. The Butcher’s body lands with a sickening thump. Lola’s scream is piercing. The man that had been holding Neil’s arms is standing with his gun raised, still trained on the spot Nathan had stood. Lola is staring at Nathan’s body, horrified. She quickly looks up and, with a sickening snarl, charges towards the man.

And then she is on the floor.

Neil can’t feel his legs. This is a fever dream, surely. None of this is making any sense and the blood loss is making his head feel dizzy.

“Get up.” The man hisses at him taking him firmly in arm and dragging him out of the Court. Outside the Plexiglass, Romero and the bodies of two others litter the floor. Neil quickly finds his feet and tries to stand independently, the man still forcing him to use him as a crutch.

They meet another man and Neil is passed off to him. There is a flurry of quick Japanese that Neil is too out of it to understand.

In the abandoned changing rooms, they clean him, change his clothes, and bandage the cuts on his face and arms. They aren’t as bad as they had felt, Neil thinks, looking at them. Lola just knows how to make sure it hurt. Knew.

Before they let him leave, one of the men snaps at him. “Don’t come back here tonight. And call your uncle and say that Saito says it’s done.”

So, two hours after practice has ended, Neil runs into the fresh air outside. Despite his injuries and exhaustion, he doesn’t stop till he reaches the trail to the Lake. His Father is dead. Lola is dead.

He keels over in giddy exaltation. Riko had nothing on him now. Nothing. Fishing his phone from the pocket of his joggers, he makes the call.

-

That night, in the cover of Neil’s cabin, Andrew cleans and dresses the lines running up his arms with clinical precision. Kevin and Jean watch from the bathroom doorway.

“At least the tattoo is gone,” Neil jokes as Andrew removes the bandage on his face.  From his seat on the closed toilet, Neil can see in the mirror the horrible raw patch of flesh covering the space where his tattoo had once been. Kevin gasps quietly. Lola had flecked it off- ragged margins started at the peak of his cheekbone and curved down to the hollow of it. Like a misshapen crescent moon. “I’ll have to tell people I lost a fight with a lawnmower.”

Neil can feel the tremor of Andrew’s hands as he wipes the antiseptic dressing on his face.

“I don’t know who told you that you were funny, but they were wrong.” Andrew’s voice has an uncharacteristic shake to it, just minutely. Neil softens.

“They’re dead.” Neil says, searching Andrew’s eyes, “My father, and a good portion of his men. They’re all dead or will be soon.”

Andrew wads up the supplies and roughly presses a fresh bandage onto Neil’s cheek. He winces.

“If you’d taken my deal, junkie, then this could’ve been avoided.”

“Or you’d be dead.”

“I don’t need your protection.”

“It’s not protection, it’s minimising collateral damage.”

Andrew stands abruptly and snatches the bottle of liquor from Neil’s loose fist, taking a large gulp.

Kevin clears his throat, “Riko isn’t going to like that his plan was spoiled.”

“We leave tomorrow,” Jean shrugs, “And I am not returning to the Nest. It is not our problem.”

That satiates Kevin. Andrew leaves to warn Renee to keep an eye out for retaliation. Kevin, Neil and Jean sit cross legged on the floor of the cabin, passing the bottle of liquor, knees touching, till the sun begins to break the morning trees. Three Ravens out of the Nest.

-

Neil barely feels like he has slept at all before he is the woken again. There is a thumping at the cabin door and Neil opens it, still bleary eyed and exhausted.

“The Lord requests your presence,” The man says. He isn’t in a suit, instead in a Camp counsellor’s uniform. Neil can see other campers messing around on the grass outside. A mobster at sports camp. The tableau is so ridiculous Neil almost feels like laughing. He doesn’t. “You have ten minutes. Ensure Day joins you.”

Neil’s head is racing as he and Kevin dress. Kengo Moriyama is unwell, dying. He wouldn’t have travelled to the middle of nowhere. Kengo is dead, he deduces, and if Ichirou is here, he must have been dead for a few days at least. Ichirou must have taken over. Ichirou is waiting on them.

The man leads them down through the forest and out the other side, into the Raven’s Cabins. He stops outside one and opens the door.

Neil didn’t think it would be like this.

Tetsuji’s body is slumped in a chair. He would look like he was asleep if it wasn’t for the blood trickling down his neck and the hole in his head. Ichirou stands in the centre of the room, flanked by two bodyguards. Kevin curses quietly in French behind him. A man Neil had only ever seen in pictures stands by the doorway they had just walked through-his Uncle Stuart. He gestures for them to move further into the room. Riko is standing directly opposite his brother, his face cocky.

In the position they have been herded into, there is no chance of escape. His Uncle Stuart and one of Ichirou’s men are blocking the only door. Ichirou himself stands in front of the bunkbed, blocking off the skylight as their only other route of escape. They are trapped. Neil prays this goes well- if not, he will die sooner than he had planned.

“I’m glad you two could join us. Nathaniel, Kevin, consider this my side of our deal finished. I trust you will ensure yours is upheld. See to it that Moreau does the same.” Ichirou says coolly.

Riko’s smirk falters momentarily. He starts begging as Ichirou presses the steel of the hilt of his gun to his temple.

He pulls the trigger.

His blood sprays on the cabin wall.

“The holidays can be a hard time for people,” Ichirou says, peeling off his gloves as one of his men place a crumpled letter into Riko’s limp hand.

This, Neil realises, is why they had been positioned like this. They didn’t care about Neil running, they just didn’t want splatter on their witnesses. Riko’s thick, wet blood starts to pool in a sticky stain on the hardwood floor.
Riko’s glassy eyes look up at them. His face is still a smirk.

“Thank you, My Lord.” Neil hears Stuart say.

Neil and Kevin leave the Cabin and take the path back to their cabin. Stopping outside their door, they look at each other and then straight ahead. Kevin’s face is pasty, and his hands are shaking so badly that he drops his phone when he takes it out of his pocket.

“So, that’s… that” he says.
“Yep.” Neil replies.
“We’re free.”
“Yep.”
“Fuck!” He bends over, hands on his knees and head hanging, “I need vodka.”
Neil barks out a shaky laugh.

“You’re late,” Andrew says as he approaches them slowly.
“The Lord wanted to chat.”
“How festive.”
He gazes at Neil, studying his expression. He brings his hand up to his neck and rests it there for a minute. Neil’s pulse slows. He watches Jean board the Trojan bus.

Andrew turns back towards the bus, clearly expecting Kevin and Neil to follow. They do.

Neil watches the Camp bleed away as Wymack steps on the gas. He climbs up on his knees to peer over at Andrew in the seat behind him.

“Hey,” He says sweetly, “Yes, or No?”
Andrew looks up at him with clear disapproval, “Yes, Junkie.”
The press of their lips is sweet, chaste. Just enough for Neil to want to beg for more. Just quick enough that no one notices.

“Next time one of them says you’re soulless, I might have to fight them.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Andrew grumbles as he sticks his headphones back in. He doesn’t look away from Neil’s grinning face though. He twists back onto his seat.

He can hear Nicky chattering excitedly about his gift exchange with Eric. He can see Aaron entertaining it, knowing that he’ll get to talk about Kaitlyn next. He can see Kevin gulp the bottle of Smirnoff he’d swiped from Wymack’s bag when he got on the bus. He can hear Abby and Wymack debating soft rock CD choices. He can see Dan, Matt, Renee and Allison discussing their Christmas dinner plans. He can hear the hum of Andrew’s too loud music from his tinny headphones. He thinks about the Christmas that awaits him in Columbia. Gentle days with Andrew. Stupidity with Nicky and Kevin. Deliberately antagonising Aaron. No looming threat. No one waiting to kill him. No one to run from.

Yeah, he thinks. Maybe this is living. Happy fucking Holidays.