Chapter Text
It was an irrational fear.
Liu Qingge had braced himself for the worst. He swore in his mind that he was brave. But his body seemed to have thoughts of its own; he kept shaking. Crying.
Even if he was spared, he didn't think he would have any pride left in him to face the world.
Liu Qingge thought he got it all figured out. The plan was to hide until he changed back to normal. Nobody had come to the cave for the past few weeks that he’d been here, having a visitor was completely out of the plan.
Yet here Shen Qingqiu stood, towering over him with a concerned expression that seemed genuine. Voice soft as he asked, “Are you lost?”
Liu Qingge’s head kept telling him to fight. To protect himself. If he ended up dead in Shen Qingqiu’s hands, at least he died protecting his honor! He could lose his soul but not his pride! He could fight! He must fight!
“Hey, it’s okay,” Shen Qingqiu said, slowly getting on his knees to level their gaze. “I won’t hurt you.”
If Liu Qingge hadn’t known what kind of person Shen Qingqiu was, Liu Qingge would’ve trusted him.
His bare feet were glued to the ground, unmoving as he watched Shen Qingqiu untying his own robe. Not wanting to dirty it with blood, Liu Qingge assumed.
Of course Shen Qingqiu would attack him at his weakest.
Of course he wouldn’t hesitate just because Liu Qingge had qi deviated into a child.
And of course Shen Qingqiu would drape his clean robe over Liu Qingge’s tattered one, safely tucking it around his body to keep him warm. Of course.
Wait.
Shen Qingqiu would.. what?
Liu Qingge was so taken aback he ended up hiccuping.
“Could you tell me from which peak you came from?” Shen Qingqiu asked, gently wiping Liu Qingge’s tears away with the back of his hand. Mumbling more to himself, “I don’t recall any peak lords having a disciple this small..”
Liu Qingge had stopped crying, now staring at Shen Qingqiu with his eyes widened. And then he hiccuped.
Shen Qingqiu had the audacity to laugh! The sound was strange to his ears, foreign despite knowing the older man for years.
Shen Qingqiu did not laugh. Not like that! Liu Qingge hiccuped even more, frowning at the sight.
“Sorry. It’s just. You reminded me of my little sister,” Shen Qingqiu said, a soft smile making its way to his face as he finally lowered his hand. Done wiping Liu Qingge’s tears away. “How long have you been here?”
Shen Qingqiu had a sister? Liu Qingge had never known.
Shen Qingqiu could actually smile? Liu Qingge had never known that either.
Shen Qingqiu watched him. Waiting. At the lack of an answer, he decided, “Let’s get you to your Mu Shishu.”
Shishu…?
Liu Qingge’s eyes followed him as Shen Qingqiu got up. Then in one swift motion, Shen Qingqiu scooped him up in his arms.
Danger! Extreme hiccups! Liu Qingge started crying once more!
“Have you ever met him? Mu Shidi is very kind!” Shen Qingqiu said, rocking Liu Qingge in his arms as if trying to calm him down. “We’ll get you checked for any injuries and we’ll get you home, alright? It’s okay.” His voice was soothing as he spoke, tightening the robe around Liu Qingge to block him from the cold. “You’ll be okay.”
Liu Qingge hated how his body relaxed. Hated how safe he felt as Shen Qingqiu’s fingers went through his hair. Hated how he nuzzled into the crook of Shen Qingqiu’s neck, body seemed to be moving on its own as he felt his tears slowly dying down, hiccups replaced by soft sniffles.
“Shen Qingqiu,” Liu Qingge managed to say. This was worse than losing himself in a fight. But his eyes were getting heavy, tired from staying up for nights. Knowing he got no other options, he pointed at his sword. Still stuck somewhere far on the wall. “No one should know.”
His voice was meant to sound threatening, but it came off as a soft whisper in his war of battling sleep.
At Shen Qingqiu’s sudden sharp intake of breath, Liu Qingge knew that he had seen his sword. Did he really not know that it was Liu Qingge all along? Weird.
Before he finally lost himself to sleep, he heard Shen Qingqiu mutter;
“Fuck.”
---
“Who are you talking to?” Liu Qingge remembered himself asking.
Shen Qingqiu was talking in hushed whispers. He seemed to be angry at someone, disturbing Liu Qingge from his sleep. But when Liu Qingge wanted to take a look, Shen Qingqiu gently pressed his face back to his neck. Fingers once again threading through his hair.
And once again, Liu Qingge lost himself to sleep. Feeling safe despite knowing that it was far from safe.
The next time he woke up, they were no longer in the cave.
Shen Qingqiu was talking to someone again. But this time not in hushed whispers—his voice was gentle, polite as he asked for favors. Liu Qingge frowned as he heard Shen Qingqiu requesting for clothes. For a kid around four to five years old, he had said. It took a while before Liu Qingge realized that the clothes were for him. Shen Qingqiu was requesting clothes for him.
Liu Qingge wriggled closer toward the edge of the bed, still wrapped in Shen Qingqiu’s robe. He tried to take a better look at the door but he could only see Shen Qingqiu’s back facing him.
He took him back to his peak, apparently. To his home. To his bed.
Liu Qingge shuddered. Thinking back, maybe fighting to death was a better option after all. This was, needless to say, scarier than anything Liu Qingge could ever imagine.
Shen Qingqiu saw him at his weakest and he didn’t try to kill him? Right. Scary.
“Could you ask the kitchen to prepare two servings of food? Something soft. Easy to digest. Not spicy,” Shen Qingqiu said, halting as if thinking to add more to the list. Concluding, “Kid-friendly.”
Right. Maybe this was it. Shen Qingqiu was smart. Poison would mean a clean death, right? No bloodshed. Maybe this was the plan all along. Liu Qingge balled his hands into fists. Of course this was the plan.
“Yes, Shizun.”
Liu Qingge heard the faint reply from outside the house. He could see Shen Qingqiu nodding his head, hand reaching for his fan as he spoke, “This master is currently feeling ill.” He could hear the fan being snapped open, Shen Qingqiu bringing his hand up probably to fan his face. “All visits would be forbidden except for Binghe.”
Liu Qingge could hear the unspoken words. Loud and clear, ringing in his head; I will put poison into my enemy’s food, who is now just a helpless child sleeping soundly on my bed. There will be no witness to see him dying. No one. Just my obedient disciple who will cover everything for me. Who will hide the body for me.
Liu Qingge tried his best, really. He tried his best to hold back the tears—roaring in anger inside as his body betrayed him. Liu Qingge wasn’t scared! He swore he wasn’t scared! But this body.. This body… Liu Qingge was wailing! He was crying against his will!
And in no time, he was back in Shen Qingqiu’s arms. Warm hand rubbing soothing circles on his back. Followed by a soft whisper telling him that it was okay. That he was safe.
Liu Qingge almost wished he could trust him.
He could deny it all he wanted, but his body kept doing things against his will. It was scary how easy it was to breathe as he relaxed into Shen Qingqiu’s warmth, nuzzling against his shoulder. Right when he wished he could wail right into Shen Qingqiu’s ears—with the hope that it’d cause at least some damage, his tears wouldn’t come out!
Let this body be damned, Liu Qingge thought. He was completely soft in Shen Qingqiu’s arms! The worst thing of all was that Shen Qingqiu didn’t seem to mind. His hand didn’t stop caressing Liu Qingge’s back, now moving up to stroke his hair like it was the most normal thing to do. Liu Qingge was utterly horrified.
“Are you okay?” Shen Qingqiu asked, pulling away slightly to look at Liu Qingge’s face. “What happened?”
“Qi..” Liu Qingge started, finding no strength in him to be defensive. “..deviation.”
“I know.” Shen Qingqiu reached to tuck Liu Qingge’s hair behind his ear, fingers lingering to caress his neck. Liu Qingge hated how right it felt. “But why are you crying?”
“I can’t control the tears,” Liu Qingge admitted, groaning softly with his eyes shut. He hated this. He hated this. He hated this. “Where’s my sword?”
Instead of answering, Shen Qingqiu asked, “Are you hurt?”
The concern in his voice sounded too genuine, Liu Qingge could feel himself boiling with rage. And he could feel it once more. The tears welling up. He took a deep, shaky breath before shaking his head. Croaking out, “My sword..”
“On the bed,” Shen Qingqiu finally said.
Liu Qingge only opened his eyes once Shen Qingqiu had put him down, climbing up the bed once his gaze landed on Cheng Luan. He took the sword onto his lap, protectively guarding it from Shen Qingqiu.
Shen Qingqiu didn’t even look the slightest bit challenged.
“What do you want?” Liu Qingge asked, feeling much safer now that he had gotten his sword. It was baffling how Shen Qingqiu didn’t even try to hide Cheng Luan from him, how he had let Liu Qingge sleep with the sword next to him.
“I want to cultivate in peace,” Shen Qingqiu said, sounding tired all of a sudden.
Liu Qingge frowned. Peace didn’t suit Shen Qingqiu. But then again, all these behaviors he’d been seeing did not suit Shen Qingqiu at all. “Who are you?” Liu Qingge couldn’t help but ask.
He could see how Shen Qingqiu tensed under his gaze, but he was quick to hide it with a smile. Asking, “Shidi. How could you not recognize your Shixiong?”
Liu Qingge wanted to spit at him because finally finally he could tell that the smile was fake. He could handle fake kindness. Believing Shen Qingqiu being genuine was something he couldn’t handle.
He grunted in response, cradling his sword closer.
Silence. Nobody talked.
Shen Qingqiu sighed and left for the study table, seeming to do his paperworks with his back facing him. Liu Qingge only stared. Watching. He remembered how he hadn’t done his own; writing reports was the most boring task of a peak lord.
He could feel the corner of his lips twitching into a smile because Shen Qingqiu apparently thought the same. Not even five minutes into the task, Shen Qingqiu was already slouching!
Liu Qingge had never thought he’d seen him like that. The ever-guarded, peerless Shen Qingqiu losing his perfect sitting posture to a damned duty of writing reports. The sight made the rebelling part of him want to giggle, but luckily it was easier to hold than the tears.
It was surprisingly peaceful watching Shen Qingqiu. Of course, until the knock on the door brought him back to reality.
“Shizun,” the familiar voice from before called.
All at once, Shen Qingqiu stopped slouching. Liu Qingge tore his gaze away as Shen Qingqiu went to let the disciple in.
Liu Qingge sat unmoving on the bed, holding his sword even closer as the disciple set the table. The disciple seemed curious of Liu Qingge, but he didn’t let his eyes linger. Avoiding to look with his head bowed down.
“I’m not eating,” Liu Qingge suddenly said. No matter how appetizing the congee looked, he wouldn’t fall into such a dirty trick!
Shen Qingqiu was already sitting down when he answered, “Okay.” He didn’t even look at Liu Qingge as he gestured for the disciple to join him. “Have a seat.”
Liu Qingge felt triumphant at the way the disciple gaped. The surprised look on his face seemed to confirm Liu Qingge’s suspicion that the food was, indeed, poisoned. Poor disciple.
But still, Liu Qingge wasn’t a cruel man. He wouldn’t want anyone—especially someone so young, dying in his stead. He jumped off the bed right before the disciple could sit down, stopping him as he glared at Shen Qingqiu. “Let him eat first,” he said.
Shen Qingqiu only shrugged as he ate a spoonful of the congee. As if knowing what Liu Qingge was trying to do, he also took a spoonful from the other bowl. Only after swallowing did he say, “He thinks the food is poisoned.”
The disciple’s eyes were wide as he turned to look at Liu Qingge. “This lowly one wouldn’t dare poison Shizun’s food!” he sounded hurt, Liu Qingge felt guilty seeing the tears welling up the disciple’s eyes.
“Binghe, sit down.” Shen Qingqiu once again gestured.
The disciple obeyed right away. “I didn’t poison Shizun’s food,” he said, leaning closer toward Shen Qingqiu. “I would never.”
Shen Qingqiu only sighed as he pushed a spoon into the disciple’s hand. Saying, “I know.”
The disciple’s lips wobbled as he tried to hold his tears. But once he saw Shen Qingqiu taking yet another spoonful of the congee, his whole face brightened.
“This is good,” Shen Qingqiu said, ignoring Liu Qingge who glared daggers at him. “Did Binghe make it?”
The disciple nodded excitedly, watching Shen Qingqiu with blooming adoration before finally diving into his own food. He looked shy as he offered, “If Shizun likes it, how about having this disciple cook for Shizun every day?"
Shen Qingqiu choked on his food.
The disciple was on his side in no time, gently patting him on the back. Liu Qingge felt so out of place he ended up climbing back onto the bed, hugging Cheng Luan. It was confusing. Did Shen Qingqiu really not poison the food..? Was he really just trying to feed him?
“Does Shizun not like it?” the disciple asked, eyes once again glassy with unshed tears. Liu Qingge almost growled at the sight. Do every child cry that easily?! Would that explain his own rebellious tears?!
“This Master likes it very much,” Shen Qingqiu said once he was done struggling. “I would trouble Binghe with the task then.”
“It’s no trouble at all!” the disciple said, beaming at Shen Qingqiu.
They went back to eat after that, engaging in small conversations as if Liu Qingge wasn’t there.
Liu Qingge was sulking and hungry by the time they finally finished eating. If his body was normal, food wouldn’t tempt him! He was, after all, an accomplished cultivator! Yet this body seemed to think that it was a good time for his stomach to growl. Liu Qingge wanted to run.
The worst thing was that the disciple seemed to hear the sound. Halting from his activity of cleaning up, glancing at Liu Qingge as if finally noticing his presence. Liu Qingge couldn’t even help not to pout.
“Shizun, I think he’s hungry,” the disciple tried to say in a low voice, hoping only his Shizun could hear. But Liu Qingge had ears! The urge to stomp his feet was strong.
No! Liu Qingge would not stomp his feet to show that he was sulking! He closed his eyes and tried taking a deep breath, gritting his teeth at the way his stomach growled again. As if embarrassing him once wasn’t enough.
“He said he’s not eating,” Shen Qingqiu said, amusement clear in his voice. “I think he’d like a bath though. Would Binghe help prepare? This Master needs to see your Mu Shishu.”
A bath. Now that Shen Qingqiu mentioned it, Liu Qingge did feel sticky. He’d been sleeping on the cave ground, not even remembering what he did to get his robes all dirty before waking up in a child’s body. He’d very much like a bath.
Liu Qingge kept his eyes closed, sitting up straight on the bed—almost seeming like he was meditating. But he knew he couldn’t focus. How could he, when his head was full with the image of warm congee?!
He only took a peek with one eye when he heard the door closed. Shutting his eye once more as the disciple came approaching.
“Would you be okay if I leave for a while?” the disciple asked.
Liu Qingge didn’t answer. It was silent for quite a while before the disciple ended up saying, “I’ll be right back.”
What else was there to do other than wait? Liu Qingge sighed as he heard the door being gently closed.
When the disciple finally came back, Liu Qingge was no longer pretending to meditate. He was just sulking in the corner with Cheng Luan on his lap, willing for his stomach to stop growling. And when he saw the disciple bringing a bowl of congee, Liu Qingge was swarmed with feelings.
If the disciple asked whether he wanted to eat, Liu Qingge wouldn’t say no. But the disciple didn’t even ask. He only set the table in silence before turning his hopeful gaze to Liu Qingge. What was Liu Qingge supposed to do?! He couldn’t even see clearly because of the tears in his eyes!
Liu Qingge had never cared about Shen Qingqiu’s disciples. Heck, he never paid attention to any disciples! He didn’t even have disciples of his own! But this one. This one. “What’s your name?” Liu Qingge asked as he carefully got off the bed, sitting down next to the disciple.
“Luo Binghe,” the disciple answered. He got a bright smile on his face despite Liu Qingge’s earlier accusation of poison in his cooking. He even offered Liu Qingge the spoon! Asking, “Would you like some help?”
Liu Qingge immediately shook his head. Wiping his tears away with the back of his hand before reaching for the spoon, turning to look at the congee. He gulped. Then slowly, very slowly, he started to eat.
“Does it taste okay?” Luo Binghe asked after a while.
Liu Qingge’s current body seemed to get overwhelmed easily. At the question, he teared up even more because the congee actually tasted heavenly. “It’s good,” he managed to say. “It’s really good.”
When he looked up, he wasn’t the only one with tears in his eyes.
And this time when he felt the urge to giggle, he didn’t stop himself. Because they were getting emotional over a bowl of congee! Even him, the grown-up him, thought that it was silly!
Luckily, Luo Binghe laughed along with him.