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There was so much red.
Minho's dark eyes drifted over the once white bed sheets, his chest rising and falling still rapidly even after all was done.
His head felt fuzzy, sweaty body going through the afterglow bliss, but all the red and the heavy weight in his hand was leaving him dizzy with something else.
The red sheets moved and Minho lifted his head to look at Jisung.
Red. So much red.
Jisung was looking all kinds of fucked up.
Tear streaks cut through his pink swollen cheeks, chin glistening with drool, his dark hair disheveled and clumped together in some places. Minho knew that there should be red, as well. It always was red when the younger's hair was dyed blond.
Tanned skin was painted in deep crimson, cuts all over and littered with bruises in the colors of the rainbow.
Blue, purple, yellow, green…
Red.
So much red.
Minho's eyes drifted to the weight in his hand.
Metal stained red.
His mouth felt dry as he sobered up far too quickly this time. Jisung's breathing was calming down but his own felt quick, tight.
Parting his lips, Minho whispered.
"One day I'll kill you."
Silence was all he got and even if he wasn't looking at the other man, he knew Jisung opened his dazed eyes to stare at him.
Minho let the knife in his hand drop onto red stained sheets, his eyes not being able to leave it. He felt cold once the heat was cut far too short and none of the pleasure was left. It all seeped away and all that remained was the ugly realization of what he kept doing.
Kept doing to Jisung every time they met.
The touch to his thigh made him flinch and he couldn't even look up to the other as Jisung sat up, hissing and grunting from clear pain and discomfort.
And Minho caught a glimpse of skin shifting, parting and more red seeping out.
Strawberry red gashes.
He shouldn't be feeling so out of it right now. Jisung needed him to stand up and grab the first aid kit. Needed him to fill a bathtub with clear water that would turn pink once he did what he had to. He should be reaching out, looking into glittering eyes to make sure the other man was alright.
But he couldn't help but think that one day he would slip and go too far.
Do something he would horribly regret to the man that left his mind spinning.
“Minho."
He felt detached from his own name, feeling barely human because how could he even be one after he kept repeatedly hurting Jisung?
And feeling that wicked kick out of it?
Minho felt disgusting in his own skin at how much his body reacted with sheer desire when seeing the other cry, seeing him scream and trash around.
See the seams of his skin come apart under a sharp blade.
Feel his mouth water as red overflowed and feel his fingertips tingling as he spread all of it over the man's beautiful body.
“Hey, look at me."
Jisung's hands cupped his cheeks and turned his head, Minho's eyes still avoiding big round ones.
So, he only stared at lips that were also stained red.
Red lips that came closer and closer in a way they had never done before.
Minho's brows tilted up as he felt softness press against his mouth, making something that had been bubbling in him spark.
Even when he wanted to be there in this moment forever, he pulled away.
However, Jisung was right there.
Painted red, still hurting, still carrying all of the evidence of Minho's wickedness as the younger wrapped himself around him.
“You're fine, Minho."
Jisung's cheek was soft as it pressed against his shoulder.
All of this was new and Minho found himself falling apart.
His forehead met Jisung's shoulder heavily and his eyes filling with tears he refused to shed as he hugged the younger back.
At first, just mostly holding him, until he had to cling, his hands carefully touching and brushing to make sure that Jisung was fine.
“You'll never hurt me like that."
Jisung sounded so sure it made something in Minho ache.
“Every time it's more. Every time we see each other, I take more." He whispered shakily and felt how Jisung shifted so their eyes could finally meet.
Like the younger needed him to see how much he meant his next words, needed Minho to believe them.
“You give me more. I keep asking and you keep on giving. You give me every little thing I beg for."
Minho stared into dark eyes, his throat feeling tight, his eyes searching.
Tonight - maybe even before that - something had changed between them and Minho didn't know if it was really just him.
“One day I'll end up killing you."
He muttered and let his head tiredly drop, his forehead meeting Jisung's.
“Only if I beg for it first." The teasing tone was there and something in Minho's eyes must have shown through because Jisung quickly added. “But I won't ask for that. Ever."
Ever.
Minho felt his breathing calm down, his hand raising to brush his thumb over Jisung's full bottom lip.
“I need to take care of you."
Jisung hummed softly as his lips puckered and pressed a soft kiss to the pad of Minho's finger.
“We need to take care of each other."
As Jisung took his hand and tugged him to join in the bathtub, he felt hesitant.
Minho was so out of his depth in this shared role of caring.
But he couldn't deny that with every bit Jisung pulled him in, smiled and reassured him, he felt more sane.
More in control of what he was so afraid of losing.
Minho thought it was strange how much he was doubting himself and how Jisung could still trust him so much.
Sitting face to face in the tub, with Jisung guiding Minho's fingers over the cuts to assure him none were too deep, the older just had to ask.
“How can you be so sure I won't go too far?"
Jisung blinked at the question and tilted his head. His gaze lowered to Minho's hand that now rested on his chest.
“We've been doing this for - what now? Nearly a year. You never made me feel anything but safe."
Minho choked out a dry laugh.
“I cut you, Jisung. We literally meet so I can hurt you."
“We meet because you can safely give me something I don't trust anybody else to give me."
“It's not-" “I know it's not one-sided. I was there when we arranged all of this, Min. But that's the thing. It's you and me."
Jisung chuckled and actually reached to flick some water at the other.
Silence stretched between them, the warmth of the pink tinted water making Minho sigh and close his eyes.
A few minutes passed when the water rippled and Jisung came closer.
Minho looked up to him as the younger slowly moved to settle on his lap.
Nearly a year they had been in this strange arrangement.
They have obviously seen each other naked, seen each other fall apart but they never really touched like this.
It had always been about knife and skin. Pain and Pleasure.
It was a constructed intimacy with so many limits and it was like all of them were crumbling.
They crumbled when Minho became terrified of going too far and losing Jisung. And it continued falling piece by piece with Jisung's lips brushing against his again.
As Jisung opened up, pressing their bodies flush as his tongue curled with Minho's, the older could only wonder for how long things had been changing between them. The younger tasted sweeter than any blood on golden skin and feeling him so directly under his palm without any tool of hurt between them was driving Minho to a whole other type of insanity.
Tilting his head, he licked inside Jisung's mouth hungrily and so deeply wanting, his heart fluttering as he felt the same want as Jisung whined with a need he never heard before out of him.
They weren't meant to want each other like this, both of them being so clear it was all about hurting and being hurt. The proof of that sat in their email inboxes in the shape of a carefully created contract.
But Minho was letting himself be kissed and he kissed back. He let himself be pulled out of the bathtub, the bathroom, back onto the bed where Jisung pushed him down onto the still red sheets.
For a moment the older was terrified as Jisung picked up the knife that had been laying there, terrified he would push it into Minho's hand and ask for more. Minho was already trembling, feeling overwhelmed and he couldn't help but breathe with ease as he heard the metal clatter onto the floor, away from them.
Jisung kneeled between his legs, fingers sliding over the inside of Minho's thighs.
His body stirred with heat once again as the younger crawled up, caging him in and looking into his eyes. And Minho couldn't help but let out an awkward laugh.
“How are you still energetic after everything?" He whispered and watched Jisung's lips shape into a heart as he grinned down at him.
“The wonders of sugar." Jisung mused and reached to entwine his fingers with Minho's, holding his hands tightly as he pressed them down onto the mattress. The amused expression softened, however, giving space for seriousness once again.
“I don't know what is going on in your head today, but you were far from your worst. I feel fine."
Jisung hummed reassuringly and slowly lowered his wet naked body on top of Minho's. Aligning them perfectly.
“More than fine even, so let me take care of you this time."
And even if Minho tried to argue that they had to, at least, bandage up Jisung's cuts and bruises, the young man just smiled at him all throughout as he took care of him.
Took care of his body, his mind and his heart.
Minho sat on the bed, body covered in one of Jisung's hoodies that were simply too big for either of them.
After the two had sex for the very first time and recovered from it, together they cleaned up, bandaged up Jisung and exchanged the red sheets. So now, Minho sat on crisp pure white, his eyes on Jisung's form since the younger was leaning out of the window, smoking a cigarette lazily.
It was late into the night and while they were done, tonight had clearly changed whatever was between them.
“What do we do now?"
It was the question Minho had been meaning to ask, but the younger got to it first. He was still looking out the window, up to the dark sky but his lips were curled into a small calm smile.
“We… have to redo the contract." Minho replied after clearing his throat, his neck feeling warm and he looked down at his hands. He heard Jisung chuckle and close the window, the bed then dipping next to him.
“Minho, I'm not talking about our knife play contract. I'm talking about us."
His eyes met Jisung's and for a moment the younger glanced to the side, giving away a nervousness that Minho hadn't seen in him in quite a while.
“I… I don't know. I just-…" Minho paused and curled his fingers, watching them vanish into the hoodie's sleeves. “I feel something for you. Have… Have been feeling. My days are spent thinking about when I'll meet you again. Even if… It technically goes against our arrangement, I just want to spend time with you. Without me cutting into you. Hurting you."
Jisung took a deep breath beside him and snorted. Minho wanted to feel offended at that, but he watched how the younger hid his face in his hands, rubbing his flushed skin.
“I'll… make it shorter." Jisung muttered and peeked first from between his fingers before fully dropping his hands and looking like he was trying to gather up courage.
“Minho, I love you."
The older's eyes widened at the straightforward confession, warmth crawling up to his face as his lips parted. But he mostly looked confused and Jisung just stared at him with a slight tinge of desperation.
“You- I know, we've been trying to keep it impersonal, but Min… We've been meeting for so long, things obviously bleed through. I feel the same about… Wanting to see you. You know a part of me that I can't find myself really wanting to show to anyone else because nobody has ever taken care of me as well as you do. A-and you're fun and you just seem to get me even if I don't really say anything."
Minho's heart squeezed in his chest and he reached to pull Jisung close to him. His lips found the younger's in an instant, pressing together in a sweet kiss that he really hoped conveyed everything he felt.
Because he also always believed that Jisung just got him.
Since the very start.
Since the very first time Minho texted him in that forum, he saw that this one pretty boy was looking for something specific without declaring it and Jisung on the first day noticed what Minho wanted from him.
And Jisung wanted the same.
They both found the same thing in each other.
Carthasis, release, acceptance.
Minho just never thought he had been seeking love out of all until the moment Jisung said those words.
The younger wrapped himself around him and they found themselves laying back on the bed, legs entangled.
Their hands gently caressed each other, without any further intention besides just touching and keeping close. Jisung felt like an anchor for Minho, allowing him to let go - finally - of everything that was leaving his mind cloudy.
And with a clear mind, he could be sure.
Nuzzling Jisung's neck, Minho sighed and pressed soft kisses along the soft skin, whispering adoring words on golden skin, on white bandages, only to travel to the lips he would never get enough of now that he had a taste.
And in a single night, they managed to whisper so many things to each other, figuring out about everything they always wanted to know but never dared to ask before.
And for this one day, this one night, they slept in each other's arms, looking forward to waking up to someone who understood them so deeply.
And Minho wasn't afraid anymore.