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it wasn’t what he wanted really. feeling like this over someone who was practically family to him. but nonetheless, all the irrational parts of him let him. let the guilt grow, along side the growing feeling of love, and eat him up whole. leaving the rational part of him gasping for air, chest tight. surrounding to the thorns inside of him, ones that left scars that ran deep. deeper than the love he felt.
//
sunday 4:37am
there is leftover numbness in his fingers when he clicks his mouse to let the song play over the speakers once again, yet it makes him let out a groan (similarly to what he did 30 minutes ago). he isn’t sure if the sound that's pouring out of the speakers even sounds right, or if its still missing something. it just doesn’t. seem. right. there is faint ringing in his ears, so maybe that’s what’s making him unsure of the quality. the studio is a little too hot as well, the cold sweat covering his body leaving him slightly trembling. he’d gotten to his studio yesterday and he had basically gotten nothing done as he had planned beforehand. felt as if until now all he had done was stare at the monitor until his eyes hurt. either way, he was planning to get at least something done.
tuesday 5:29pm
the lights are dimmed in the studio, his throbbing eyes end up hurting even more if fully turned on. there’s a growing stack of plastic cups from all the coffee he’d drank, and some takeout bags and boxes (fewer than there should be but better than nothing). he’s not sure where his phone is or if it even has any battery left. feeling disoriented after he had ‘one of those’ again couple of hours ago, it left him breathless and chest tight for much longer than he’d like, he had a song to finish and that in no way helped him get it done.
thursday ~10pm
he doesn’t know what day is it, at first he thinks it’s monday? maybe tuesday? but if his dead phone (that he had stumbled upon when looking for his jacket), the throbbing of his head, and the clutter of even more plastic cups and take out boxes is anything to go by, it’s probably much later and that is by no means a good thing. he got to his studio saturday and anything longer than 2/3 days is bad. and though staring at his monitor and reply the same song over and over was doing a good job at distracting him, he knew it was best to make his way home as quickly as possible. or maybe wait for his phone to charge and light up with messages but honestly, he won’t physically be able to read all the texts at the moment (if he did get any, that is). so with an exhausted sigh he is shutting his computer, is cleaning up his studio as much as he can and finally is packing his bags to start his trip back home
//
as he makes his way through the front door, the first person to cling to him is Jimin, of course, it is. and though he tries to seem annoyed, this is something he always looks forward to every time he finally comes home (though he’d never admit it). next are Jin and Namjoon, who give their tight and firm, yet gentle smiles, the smiles that force the tension out of his sore limbs. after are the warm, tight hugs from Hoseok and Jeongguk, the hugs that let exhaustion take over his body that he pushed to the far back of his mind and tried his best to forget about,
and finally there Taehyung. who gives him that warm, boxy smile that makes his chest tight with affection, that leaves the ghosts of a smile on his own (though he’d never admit it). the tender hug and the familiar smell of marzipan and vanilla, that spreads further warmth inside of him, as if flowers are blooming from his heart and twining around his ribcage. and finally, a delicate hand in his that keeps giving reassuring squeezes, that everything is alright, that he doesn’t need to say anything.
after a while, they all end up spread out in the living room.
“hyung, you do understand that every time you do this, you leave us worried” Hoseok starts, voice unusually steady, “but it also doesn’t mean that we’ll force you to stop or anything” he finishes, a slight tone of destress still slipping in, "it is your life after all."
“we’re especially worried about your voice, Yoongi,” Jin adds, desperation in his voice as to get the younger to understand.
and he’s about to try and mutter out something but, there is that tight squeeze from Taehyung’s warm hand that’s still holding his own cold, slightly sweaty one.
but he still knows he should try and say at least something, and so he tries, “it’s--.“ and then nothing. he doesn’t know. and it's 's not that there aren’t enough words to describe what he’s feeling, oh there definitely is. but he just doesn’t know, has never has been good with them, with words, and so he doesn’t. know what to say. he knows that most of them understand, even without words they themselves have felt it too, and maybe that’s exactly what keeps him from actually searching and finding the right words to describe the sinking feeling or the hollowness or the constant invasive thoughts in his mind. and he’s most of all afraid of hurting the others, his family, with things he keeps hurting himself with over and over. and so he just lets the unfinished sentence hang in the air a moment longer.
“yeah, yeah okay,” he ends up mumbling. ‘better something than nothing.’
from his right, Namjoon inhales loudly, clearly not satisfied with what Yoongi just said but Namjoon also knows better than to pry things out of Yoongi, especially feelings. so Namjoon continues, hoping the older would understand, “okay yeah but just-- just please don’t try to solve things yourself, we’re here. always here for you.” and this truly catches Yoongi off guard because though yeah those are exactly the type of words Namjoon would say to reassure any of the members but mostly because he distinctly remembers saying those words himself to Namjoon. the dissociative and slightly off-guard look on Yoongi’s was enough to let Namjoon know that he had remembered, still kept the memory at the back of his mind (though he’d never admit it)
//
the moment ends and they all go back to their own things. Jin is in the kitchen cooking something with Jimin, most likely dinner, but you also never know with them. Namjoon is busy mostly distracting the two with his ‘let me help’. Hoseok is was watching the TV but is now busy filming poor Namjoon and the entire interaction happening in the kitchen (and judging by the way he is laughing and flailing his limbs everywhere, the quality of the video will turn out really poor). Jeongguk and Taehyung are playing video games on the TV that they turned on when Hoseok was too busy laughing at Namjoon.
but him, he’s starting to feel overwhelmed (really really overwhelmed), to the point when there is the muffled ringing's back in his ears and he’s can’t seem to focus on anything in particular. yet now that Taehyung is giving him a questioning look, tilting his head to the side and furrowing his eyebrows, Yoongi simply waves him off and gives a slightly trembling thumbs up.
//
Jeongguk is mid yelling at the screen when Jin calls them all to eat. the dinner was going by smoothly, mostly filled with sounds of eating and occasional shares of ‘guess what happened’ and ‘guess who I saw today’.
but now that they are about 20min in, Yoongi's hands are starting to shake a little too much and start feeling a little too numb; his heart is pounding a little too fast and a little too loud; his body is covered in sweat, trembling. everything around him muffled and the ringing gets much much louder.
so now the following things are happening quickly and aggressively. there is a loud clunk of his spoon against his bowl. there is a screeching, scraping sound of his chair against the floor. and there is a loud thud of his bowl hitting the sink. and then there's the sound of a door being shut behind him.
then there is quietness. no one says anything. no one dares to move. all are looking up at each other with wrinkled foreheads.
and of course, it’s Taehyung who gets up. and ends up doing the exact same Yoongi, just much less aggressively. now a barely audible clunk of his spoon against his bowl. a quiet screeching of his chair as it's pushed slowly against the floor. a quiet bang sounds of his bowl being carefully put down in the sink and then a quiet knock and an almost silent click of the same door that had been slammed mere moments ago. and there are 5 outside, all questioning their next moves. and there are 2 inside, also questioning their next move.
//
his room is too stuffy. too cold. too dark. too loud. too quiet. every little thing is eating at him and then- his breathing is quick but short and his chest feels too tight. his whole body is covered with layers of sweat. his hair is sticking uncomfortably at his forehead. an inhale, too quick, not enough. another inhale, still not enough, still too quick. one after another change nothing, actually the opposite, his hands are now shaking so much he can’t properly use them to sit down, his heart is racing too fast for him to hear anything besides its quick rhythm, and his breathing is getting more and more shallow (‘like me,’ he chuckled lightly) and he can’t get a grasp on a particular deep breath. his chest hurts, his hand and body are tingling numbly, and he’s suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating. suffocating.
and then a muffled knock. followed by a click. and then some shuffling. and finally, a warm body pressed against his cold, sweaty one. warm hands on his lower back. sweet nothings whispered in his ear. “y-“ , “you-“ , “-okay” , “it’s -“ , “it’s okay” , “it’ll be okay” , “i’m here” , “you’ll be okay”. and he breaks down. broken sobs are the only thing leaving his mouth. cries that he can’t control because all of a sudden everything hurts. absolutely everything and he feels like this is the moment he’ll finally suffocate. and his cries don’t die down for a while. “okay Yoongi-hyung, take a deep breath. okay? a deep one, follow me if you feel like you can’t do it by yourself,” Taehyungs voice (which in the moment distinctly reminds him of honey).
“okay, Inhale” Inhale, “yeah okay. okay. exhale now” exhale. if he was honest, it hurt, it felt so hard to follow Teahyung but it would hurt Yoongi even more if he didn’t give in and potentially scared the younger even more (and he didn’t want that, never). so with each “inhale” from Taehyung, he inhaled. and with each “exhale” he exhaled. and then he can’t get a grasp on the smell, the smell of marzipan, of course it’s the smell of marzipan.
and though with time it did get easier to breathe, he doesn’t let go. but neither did Taehyung, who continuously ran his fingers through his hyungs hair and periodically ran his hand up and down his spine. and only after a particularly deep sigh from the Yoongi, did Taehyung dare to speak up.
“hyung” he started, testing the waters (if you would).
“yeah Tae?” Yoongi let out quietly, and the younger would have missed it if it wasn’t for the quietness of the room (and the whole house too, where are the others..?)
“hyung will you be okay by yourself for a little bit,” he carefully ask, “I’ll be back quickly” he finished quickly as to not let the older think anything to himself.
“oh, yeah” the older answers, letting go quickly as if the words physically burned him.
“Yoongi-hyung,” he lets out as he picks up Yoongi’s head from out of his shoulder and tries to look him in the eyes,
“hyung” words laced with a tone of desperation, “hyung please look at me,” he tries, he is cupping the sides of Yoongi face to turn it words his. But as soon as he did, It hurt Taehyung seeing how broken his hyung is, and he guessed that he let the emotion flash across his face (though he really tried for it not to) because Yoongi’s face hardened even more and averted his eyes. Tae tries to give him the best smile as to reassure him that he will come back. “hyung, just a couple minutes,” and he’s standing up.
“ah just go Tae, i’ll be here either way” Yoongi horses out, throat still dry after the crying.
//
soft clicking of the door behind him let him know Yoongi is safely behind the shut door. and there is a salty taste as he licks his lips. and his face is wet, filled with tears. tears that show just how spooked and utterly broken he is after seeing Yoongi basically shattered into pieces. it hurt because all he wants to do is ask if Yoongi ever feels like flowers bloom in his chest every time they’re together. and if yes, show the older just how much he loves him, just how much he has wanted to kiss his lips and let him feel like he is the only thing that matters and the only thing that will ever matter.
either way, he had to slowly make his way over to the kitchen to let the others know that things are more or less better and that they don’t need to worry. but because thoughts are swirling in his head as he is passing his own room, and then the rooms of the others, they were all suspiciously too quiet. way too quiet for it to be their dorm. and as he is walking further into their dorm, it's the same for the kitchen and the living room, and the bathrooms too. so he concludes his search there, settling for a quick text asking where they were to Jimin and with an ‘i guess the others will have to wait even longer to know’ the younger made his way back to Yoongis room.
//
back in the olders room, Yoongi had kept picking at his fingers. with every passing minute, skin getting rawer and rawer. sure Taehyung had helped his-, his whatever it was but he also knew that he had in some way scared the younger, scared the others. and that made him hate himself slightly,
“this was something you could have prevented,” he softly muttered under his breath, picking at skin harsher, making blood pop up in certain areas.
“exactly why you should have stayed in the studio a day or two longer” he continues, spitting out the words as if it's one of his raps, “would have let this pass without anyone needing to worry”. but he can’t hold it in. the worthlessness he feels. the burden that he puts on others by making them worried, that’s always eating up at him from the inside. things always feel so, so blue. like yeah, he has the guys, his family, but he feels utterly and completely alone. only music allows him to go those feelings out because sharing them with the others, that's even scarier, utterly terrifying, to Yoongi.
he can hear Taehyung shuffling through the dorm, probably checking whether the others were still in the dorm or not. and his thought trailed, “Taehyung…” he gently gasped out, ‘태. 형.’ he tries out the syllables on his tongue, slowly touching his mouth as he is whispering the youngers name. mostly wondering how had the younger always end up there for him. never leaving his side and always there when he needs Taehyung because he knew that Yoongi wouldn’t dare to ask for someone to be there for him, became ‘who’d want to be seen as a burden and all.’
but Taehyung, Tae hyung, 태. 형. how had the younger silently crept in the deepest part of his heart and taken up all the space possible. and he is feeling them once again. the flowers. the flowers that are now in full bloom. the flowers that are so close to bursting from his chest. but. (there is always a but).
This is Taehyung, Taehyung who is affectionate with everyone. Taehyung who uses any moment possible to hang on Jeongguks neck, Taehyung who always give the tightest and the warmest hug possible to Hoseok, Taehyung who cuddles and is all ‘lovey lovey’ with Jimin. that’s just the way Taehyung is. just who Taehyung is. so hey Yoongi isn’t special in the youngers book by any means. not like the younger is in his. because when have you seen Yoongi initiate skinship (whether he likes it or not). the text he sent? the one that ended with an I love you (words he almost never dares to utter)? one of the things he initiated and felt like it was special. to let the younger know he’s there. that things get hard by he’s always there, to catch him and help him back to his feet. that “he’s always there for him.” only him (though he’d never admit it). I mean if we exclude the same one being sent to Jeongguk then it makes it even more special. ‘sorry kid’ he quietly chucked, just going to pretend there was only one text.
so now that he feels that feeling again, he’s isn’t all that surprised. ‘that’ sinking feeling that feels like his heart is being ripped out, leaving lonely hollowness. and he feels like he’s back to the old Yoongi, the one filled with so much self-anger inside. with the unstoppable need for water. water to sink into. water to take up all the space possible in his lungs - not the flowers or the warmth or the smell of marzipan that makes him feel safe, no. to feel the burning sensation that he misses. because he’s tired again, can’t stop himself from thinking of that again. tiredness that makes him feel like all his limbs are dead weight and he’s taking space, space he shouldn’t be taking up. and the thought is surprising because when was the last time he felt that. he’d hope that the last time was in fact the last forever, but seems like it never fully left but rather he had pushed them to the far back of his mind (let he did with the exhaustion he felt after the studio). and now he’s even more afraid of hurting the others, it had happened once when he had let the hollowness take over and the last thing he had remembered was jin’s voice, the way it sounded so raw and so utterly broken, and how his head hurt from where he fell. ever since ‘that’ he promised to himself to never scare and hurt the others anymore. so now that it was coming back, the fear and anger did too.
and now that he feels like screaming again, at himself and the world too really, the door clicks open and it is Taehyung again. (of course it is)
//
he is glancing up at Taehyung, his own eyes for the most part dry now - more red and puffy. the younger makes his way through the door with a glass of water and catches him looking and gives the widest, most brightest smile possible, and hand him the glass with a short, “see hyung, i’m back.”
Yoongi notices the redness of the youngers eyes but doesn’t question it, feels like his heart will shatter completely if the younger says it’s because of him. still afraid that he is a burden and had hurt him. Taehyung sits next to Yoongi and quietly takes the hyungs free hand, giving it a couple of reassuring squeezes as if he somehow knew what just crossed the other's mind.
“hyung, hyung is it? is it fine if i say something,” Taehyung questions slowly, afraid to spook his hyung off (like was some cat)
“yeah, it's fine Tae-ah, go ahead,” Yoongi lets out as he tries to settle more comfortably on his bed, pulling Taehyung by their intertwined hands so the other would follow.
and now as they are finally settled, Yoongi’s head on Taehyung’s shoulder and on top of the torso, and Taehyung’s hand is protectively wrapping around the olders waist,
Yoongi hears, feels, a deep breath.
So Taehyung starts, pouring his heart into every word, “hyung don’t you dare think anything. you’re the most selfless person and if I wanted to I would’ve told you sooner. if I was brave enough, to tell you sooner. you’re the best thing in my life. in the lives of the others. you always make sure I don’t feel burdened by all the pressure around us, always do things for me, always say things to me. hyung you’re worth everything and more, and I swear to god don’t you dare think you don’t deserve me. or my love. or the others. or you’re achievement. or anything. that you deserve nothing. because you don’t. you deserve everything. and i know that the same way I know that you will never hurt me. never. that your love is enough and it does make me happy. heck probably the happiest person alive. and it hurts, seeing and knowing, that you always punish yourself with your own hands, every. dang. time. and it hurts not knowing where you are, if you will sleep, if you'll take care of yourself... it makes me think even more of you, I need to know you’re safe. hyung. you are loved. you can never be a burden. shouldn’t be afraid of us. of me. you make all of us feel seen, feel so loved, and so cared about.” Taehyung’s voice is sincere, every word filled to the brim with love.
oh.
oh.
//
Friday 3:49am
“hyung?” Taehyung tries as he isn’t sure if the steady breathing is anything to go by if Yoongi was asleep or not.
silence.
and sure a part of Taehyung is disappointed as he wants to try and talk more things out with Yoongi and to try to get something, anything, more out of him. but he is also glad, he wants his hyung to rest, to finally not have to think about whatever is eating up at him. so he carefully makes sure that Yoongi is properly covered by his blanket that he brought along (partly because it was cold in the dorm, partly because he noticed how Yoongi always seemed to relax anytime the older was close enough to smell him). tightened the hold around his hyungs waist, carded his fingers through the slightly damp hair, and whispered a quiet “i’m so glad i'm in love with you hyung.”
the younger quietly poured out his heart into the dark early morning next to the person who made him like he is the only thing that matters in this world. and as he is finally settling down to to get at least any bit of sleep, he feels movement and hears the olders voice.
Yoongi is muttering a barely audible, “ah Tae-ah, love you too,” and smirks when he feels Taehyung freeze (because thanks to the quiet morning, he was able to hear it, and that caught him off guard).
//
the two would walk out of Yoongis bedroom the next morning, hand in hand. they’d ask the others where they had gone. which they would reply that they had gone to the convenience store around the corner and later settled on walking around the area.
no one would ask about the two, all knew that at least the worst part was over.
/ fin /