Work Text:
As a kid, I always held a grudge against ‘that’. Everyone told me what I dreamed was something out of childhood imagination, a book, a movie.
“It happened,” I’d whisper. “I didn’t do good enough.”
They figured I needed to talk to someone. Through that qualified someone, they’d sort out how my ‘misheard conversations’ could cause these ‘nightmares’. “Give us a reason for ‘that’”. I colored fields and trees and faces. I colored walls and titans and bodies. I colored Him. I colored him with swords above my neck. “Children’s drawings shouldn’t be so realistic.” They’d all comment.
I learned to say what they wanted, act how they expected. But as I grew, so did ‘that’. That other life. That other set of memories.
I knew I could never mention it again.
I knew I couldn’t tell the person who sat right in front of me, the person interviewing me for a young adult sleep/memory experiment at my father’s lab, that her supervisor had killed me every night since I was able to dream.
“Eren,” she moved closer, “Does he remind you of anyone?”
All of my instincts flared RED. Was this another test? Did my father think me too insane to continue a small project? “Dr. Zoe, his heart rate is above ideal.” Levi warned.
“What the hell does that mean?” I glared at him. He wasn’t my Corporal anymore. He wasn’t half the man he was before. Good.
“Well Eren, it means you’re under my care until you calm down.” Dr. Zoe attempted to calm me.
“No.”
“Heart rate escalating. It’s nearing critical limits.”
“Yes. Eren, we need you to calm down. If you want to be a part of this study, you’ll need to control your anger. Unless there is a justifiable reason?”
I tried, and failed, to keep my reactions under my command. “I’m going home.” My fears stood before me, less menacing, less deadly. Yet I couldn’t contain the immediate response of each muscle in my body aching to strangle him.
“We can’t let you do that.” A deep voice silenced everything around me. “You are essential, Eren.”
“I don’t want to be essential again! I’m supposed to be normal. YOU ARE NORMAL! FUCK OFF!” As the door slammed behind me, I realized I was probably the only one who remembered anything. My outburst must have seemed so out of place and unprovoked. I knew I’d just ruined all my efforts at appearing sane for my parents’, and my own, benefit.
I prepared myself for another onslaught of psych visits and medications as I sat for dinner.
“Eren. Eren, look at me when I’m speaking to you. You’ll assist Dr. Zoe again tomorrow as planned.” I nearly choked on my grilled asparagus. I had to face him again. I was going to die by Levi’s swords tonight and be forced to look him in the face again tomorrow as if everything was normal. I struggled with my options. Was playing a board game, and listening while stranger tried to analyze me, better than actually facing my fears? Yes.
“No. I won’t go. I’m an adult and I can say no.”
“You’re technically an adult, yes. But you live under our roof and I’m the one who provides your income.” I looked to my mother for support but she sat head down like the pretty housewife she was forced to be.
If I couldn’t avoid him, I’d have to exact my revenge. Somehow, I’d get an apology out of the man behind each of my problems. Levi would regret my memories and years of drug-clouded institutionalization I’d endured in this life. I’d make him struggle each day; make him feel as helpless as I was each night when my mind conjured his strained face and sharp blades.