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Not for the first time in his life, Bruno felt like he was the walking definition of a contradiction. He needed and wanted so much that just went against each other. He felt like he needed to scream and get the feelings that were building up in his chest out, but at the same time he felt like all sound was getting caught in his throat and he couldn't, and didn't want to, say anything.
Bruno wanted to run to his sisters and cuddle against them, to be held within their warm embraces and protected from the world. But then the thought of actually hugging them made him shudder and made his skin crawl. Just the thought of hugging them made him want to run the other way.
He wanted to tell his sisters or Mamá about what he saw in his vision. Maybe if he talked about it he would stop overthinking and worrying about it. And his family was so good at taking care of things. Multiple times Bruno would stress and worry about something that seemed impossible, but then someone in his family would step in, look at the problem, and fix everything in a matter of seconds. Why couldn't they do the same thing this time?
Bruno knew why. If he told them about the vision he saw of Mirabel, what if they thought that Mirabel was a curse? What if they started blaming her for things that weren't her fault? But then again, what if they didn't? What if they understood, and they helped Mirabel? She was so young and innocent and kind. Surely even Mamá would know that the little girl would never do anything to hurt their family, and just because his vision showed that she might be connected to the family's faltering magic didn't mean that it was actually Mirabel's fault.
But what if they didn't?
What if they blamed Mirabel? What if they blamed Bruno, because surely he had to be the one who cursed Mirabel in the first place with his crazy, horrible visions?
Bruno wanted to believe that his family wouldn't jump to assumptions. That they knew him and Mirabel well enough to know that they wouldn't do anything to hurt their family on purpose. But what if that wasn't good enough? What if they were still scared that Bruno or Mirabel would accidentally hurt the family or the magic, and accident or not that wasn't something they could risk happening?
Bruno didn't know. He didn't know what his family would think, and he hated it. What was the point of having these cursed powers if he was left even more in the dark about what the future held than everybody else?
Bruno was scared to talk to his mamá, who loved their family but felt like the safety and well-being of the whole was more important than the feelings of the one. He was nervous about talking to Pepa, because while his sister sometimes understood him better than anybody else did, more often than not she was more confused by him than anybody. She would get frustrated, and he would get flustered and then his words would get ahead of him and he'd end up saying something that he didn't mean.
It was bad enough when this happened, but this situation with Mirabel and his vision was too fragile to risk that happening. He couldn't talk to Pepa.
The one that Bruno really wanted to talk to was Julieta. She'd always been happy to offer comfort and reassurance. Whenever he was having a bad day and couldn't figure out just why, he would go into the kitchen, sit either under the table or on the counter that his sister never used, and just sought out his sister's company.
Julieta was very patient. She always knew just what to say to help Bruno to open up, even if he felt like he couldn't say anything at all. She was always willing to listen to whatever he had to say, no matter how silly his problem was, but that right there was the very reason why he felt like he couldn't go to her.
Julieta felt the need to take care of everybody. No matter how busy she was she was more than happy to lend a listening ear. Bruno had appreciated it more than he could express, but then…but then…
He tried to tell Julieta about the vision he'd had about Mirabel. He thought that if anybody would understand and not cast judgement, it would be his sister. When Bruno went to Julieta though she lost her patience, lost her temper, and said his powers were cursed.
It hurt, but Bruno wasn't mad at his sister for finally having enough of him and all his screw-ups. The thing that hurt so much more was the knowledge that Bruno had hurt his sister. She was obviously burdened and overworked, and instead of helping her or asking if she was okay Bruno had just tried to burden her with all of his problems.
And that's what he was, wasn't it? A problem and a burden.
Bruno demanded so much from his family. He needed space. He needed attention. He needed them to help him feel safe whenever he went into town. If he was sad or frustrated, or just having a really hard time that he couldn't figure out how to explain even to himself, he needed his family to just know what was wrong with him and how to help.
And they did. Bruno knew that his whole family, even the kids, did so much for him. They inconvenienced themselves so he would feel just a little bit more comfortable. They went looking for him when he hid and desperately wanted to be found. They weren't perfect, far from it, but they tried. They tried so hard for him, and Bruno couldn't even figure out how to begin to return the favor. Anytime he tried to help them in return he felt like he just made things worse, or made things about him again, and then his family was right back to taking care of him.
They didn't complain, but they didn't have to. Bruno knew that he was a burden on his family. How could he not be when he was so bad at taking care of himself that they felt the need to do it for him?
He couldn't even figure out how to use his gift right, and instead of using it to protect the community all he did was bring shame onto their family. His Mamá, who had an entire family and town to take care of, had to step in and protect him from the ire of the village. She said that they had to earn their gifts by using them to benefit the community, but as soon as Bruno said that he didn't want to she didn't make him unless he had to. He was making his Mamá make exceptions for him that he really shouldn't need, but did, and he felt bad.
Bruno wanted to talk to his family and let them fix everything, or at least help him to clean up the mess that was probably his fault in the first place. At the same time, he wanted to fix this himself. He didn't want to burden them any more, and he didn't want to get any more disappointed and concerned looks from his family. For once he wanted to be strong enough to take care of himself.
So instead of going to his family Bruno hid inside the walls. Maybe it wasn't the best solution, and his sisters or brothers in law, or even any of the kids, would probably come up with a better idea, but this was the best that he could do by himself.
Bruno curled up on his chair, tapping his toes over and over again. He didn't want to tap his toes, but he felt like it was physically impossible to stop. He scratched his fingers against the chair. Every minute or so he would shift his hand until he was scratching at the back of his other hand instead, but as soon as he started doing that one of his rats would squeak loudly in his ear.
Bruno would jump and feel a rush of panic before he realized that he was scratching at himself. He switched the scratching back to the chair, and then the cycle would repeat again.
He didn't really want to be back here. He wanted to be on the other side of the wall with his family, but he knew he couldn't. If he rejoined his family they would just ask about his vision, and Bruno didn't think he was strong enough to hide it from them.
The only way Bruno knew to protect Mirabel was by keeping this particular vision to himself, and he couldn't do that if he was around his family. The truth would come to light sooner or later, Mirabel might get hurt, and it would be all Bruno's fault.
No, he had to be away from the family, but he didn't want to leave completely. He may be trying to take care of himself and not rely so much on his family, but he didn't know how to do that. He didn't know how to be by himself at all. Maybe he'd figure out the physical needs eventually, because he really didn't need much in that way, but he'd never lived without his family before. Even just the thought of being completely away from them, not even having the chance of comfort if he really needed it, it was overwhelming and left Bruno feeling like he couldn't even breath.
So, for the sake of his family he couldn't stay, but for his own sake he couldn't leave. Crawling into the walls was a compromise that nobody would be completely happy with, but it was the best that Bruno could do. His best may not be good enough, but he couldn't do better.
Bruno was an absolute mess the first few days. He would curl up on his chair or on the floor, and just sob into his knees. He tried to stifle his cries by putting his hand over his mouth, but that just made it harder to breathe. He would begin to hyperventilate, and then he would start sobbing all over again.
He didn't even know for sure what he was so upset about. Every second the origin of his distress seemed to change. Sometimes he was crying because he missed his family, or because he was upset about his stupid vision. He flipped from being upset with his mamá to being upset with himself. He cried because he could hear that his family was upset and looking for him and he felt guilty for abandoning them.
He'd cry, growl to himself, and pull at his hair because none of this was his fault, and yet he was always the one who got the blame. He never asked for this gift. He didn't ask for the people in town to hate him because they didn't understand his visions, and they would rather hate him for their misunderstanding than actually get to know him.
It wasn't his fault that he didn't trust anybody enough to actually tell them about his vision. He didn't regret his decision, because he'd do anything for his sobrina, for anybody in his family, really. But why should he feel like he had to take responsibility for this mess? He's not the one who made it. He was just the one who was taking the fall, because that's how it always was, and it wasn't fair.
And then Bruno would curl up on himself even more and sob harder because how could he think such a thing? Of course this was his fault. Even if he'd never asked for his gift, his sisters and the kids hadn't either, but they'd figured things out anyway. Bruno wasn't the only one that struggled with his gift, he was just the only one that tried to give up, and that wasn't anybody else's fault but his own.
Bruno's head hurt. His mind was just fighting with itself, and it made it hard to recover from his distress. Before he could even begin to calm down from one distress a new one would sneak up on him, and no matter how emotionally exhausted he was the tears would just come back again. It was tiring, and made Bruno feel like an absolute mess.
Bruno couldn't calm down for those first few days. When he wasn't crying he was curled in on himself, lacking the energy and motivation to move at all. It felt like far too much effort to get up from the floor to sit on his chair, or even to move the position of his legs because they'd gotten too stiff.
His rats tried to help. When Bruno refused to get up to get some food, his rats would sneak into the kitchen and bring him back some leftovers. Bruno knew they were just trying to help, but it just made him feel even more conflicted. He knew how much Julieta hated for his rats to be in her kitchen, and there were very few things that she hated.
Bruno felt conflicted about the food. He didn't want to eat it, because he felt like it would be a betrayal to his sister to eat the food, both because it was stolen and because the rats had been the one to get them. But if he didn't eat it, then the betrayal would have been for nothing, and his rats might steal some more food until he decided to eat.
Bruno eventually ate, only to begin sobbing again because the food tasted like home. It reminded him of Julieta, and he missed her.
How could he feel homesick when he was technically home and his family was so close?
After those first few days Bruno got a little better. He didn't really feel much better, but he wasn't crying anymore, and he considered that an improvement. And after all of the anger and pain and confliction he was feeling, the complete numbness that overtook him was almost a relief. At least, it would have been a relief if Bruno could bring himself to even care.
The only times that Bruno could find the energy and will to do anything was during mealtimes. He would force himself to his makeshift table near the crack in the wall, just so he could spend half an hour pretending that he was still part of the family.
He would mostly just listen to their conversations, but sometimes, depending on how he felt, he would make a comment or two as his own little contribution. Nobody heard it, but that wasn't anything new. Even before Bruno left he would sometimes make small comments that sounded like barely more than a mumble to everybody around him.
The more days that passed the better that Bruno began to feel. He felt far from good, but he could almost convince himself that he was at least okay. Being in the walls wasn't even so bad. In fact, it wasn't too different from how things were on his bad days.
He was still being a burden on Julieta. He still made Pepa angry. He could still tell that his mamá was disappointed with him. In those ways, nothing had changed.
He was still hiding away, just like he always did before…except this time Agustín wouldn't find him, ready to lend a listening ear.
He was still afraid of leaving his little sanctuary, just now his haven was his corner in the walls instead of the entire house, and this time he couldn't count on Félix dragging him out of his comfort zone and protecting him as he did so.
Bruno still felt like his very life was an impossible battle that he could never really win, but here in the walls he didn't even have innocent Luisa offering to help share the load that she didn't understand.
He still felt like he was ruining his family's reputation with every breath he took, except now he felt completely alone on top of everything else, because Isabela wasn't there to remind him that she could at least relate.
He still muttered and talked to himself, except now there wasn't anybody around to pretend to listen, not even Dolores, unless…could she hear him in the walls? Did she know that he was back here? Bruno hoped not. That girl had way too much on her mind already, and Bruno didn't want to add to that.
On the bright side Bruno still made up stories to pass the time and try to distract himself from the fighting going on in his own head. It was just the same, except that he couldn't share the stories with Camilo and the rest of the family.
Most importantly, Bruno was alone. Physically, emotionally, and any other possible way. He felt like nobody else understood how he felt, but that was his own fault. Bruno had always wanted to be understood, but he'd never been able to figure out how to explain what he was feeling, and it wasn't like anybody in the family had the ability to read minds.
Bruno should have reached out to his family more. He should have figured out how to let them in. Now he'd be missing out on hanging out with his sisters, or watching those kids grow up. He felt like he barely knew little Mirabel at all, and now it was too late to make things right.
Everything was just the same as it was before, except now Bruno felt like his bad days were going to be his every day, and he couldn't lean on his family any more. He's been wanting to learn how to stand on his own two feet, but it had only been a few days and he already hated it. How come people made independence look so easy, like it came naturally to them? Were those unwritten instructions on how to live actually written literal instructions that he'd somehow missed?
Was there just something wrong with him? Probably.
Bruno would have to figure it out. He didn't know how he'd do that yet, but he'd figure that out too. How someone figured out how to figure out things was a mystery to him, but he'd just have to figure out how to do that part…and now he was losing himself in a circle. No wonder people seemed so annoyed when they listened to him. Half the time even he didn't understand what was going on in his own head.
Bruno took a deep breath and pushed himself away from his small table. His mind was still jumping around and driving him nuts. What he needed was to stop moping around. He needed to find a distraction.
As Bruno got up he heard Mamá and Pepa yell at each other. He didn't really hear what they were saying, and he hadn't been paying enough attention to the breakfast conversation to make a guess.
Bruno wasn't really worried. It wasn't unusual for Mamá or Pepa to get mad or testy with each other. What did worry Bruno though was that he could feel a very slight rumbling along the floors. It was a familiar rumbling and small shaking that he had felt a couple of times these past few days while he was hiding here in the walls. He hadn't felt like he was able to follow the noise or his distressed rats, but he thought he could do it right now.
Bruno brushed some dust off of his ruana and, for the first time since he slipped into these walls, he flipped up his hood and embraced the role of Hernando. He would need some bravery to leave this little nook he'd hidden in, even just to explore the other crevices in the walls, and he actually felt like he could handle the role he had created.
Bruno, as Hernando, picked up one of his most loyal rats and set it on his shoulder. "I don't know what mess I'm going to find out there, but it'll be my job to fix it, won't it?" It always seemed to be Bruno's job to fix things. Bruno had a hard time handling the pressure, but Hernando was a lot stronger than he was.
The rat squeaked, and Bruno took it as an agreement. He gave his rat a small smile and a pet. "Let's go." He still felt the need behind the walls of Casita, and he didn't know if that would change any time soon, but he couldn't just cower away in here. No matter how scared or weak he was, there had to be a way for Bruno to help his family.
He still believed that by leaving he was helping them, because at least he wasn't making things worse anymore, but was it really helping if all it accomplished was that his family didn't have to worry about helping him any more? That wasn't enough for Bruno.
He just wanted to help his family. That was all he'd ever wanted. There had to be a way that he could help even from inside the walls, or at least a way that Hernando could help. And Bruno wouldn't find that by hiding away in here.
Bruno squared his shoulder, found as much of Hernando's courage as he could manage, and left his little sanctuary.
It didn't take long for Bruno to find the cracks. Cracks similar to the ones he'd seen in his vision. He could feel his fear creeping in, but he shoved it down. Hernando was brave and strong. He wasn't afraid of cracks. In fact, Hernando was so unafraid of the cracks that he could, and would, fix them.
Maybe this was how he could help his family. If the cracks were connected to the loss of their family's magic, then maybe if he could fix the cracks at least a little bit then the magic would stay strong, or at least not become weak.
After everything he'd done to hurt his family it was the least he could do to help them. It didn't make up for everything he'd done wrong, but it was a start, and at least for now the little bit was all that Bruno could do. He'd have to figure out how to make it be good enough.