Chapter Text
Sometimes Emily wonders if Sue is born from stars.
Realistically she knows that it makes no sense. Sue is flesh and bone and sinew, like her, like everyone. But Sue isn’t like everyone, she isn’t like Emily, and the only true conclusion that Emily can come to is that Sue has to be made up of the stars and the rain and the ink from a fresh pen.
—
She finds Sue when they are only twelve.
She’s walking home from her book club when she notices a young girl standing on the porch of a house that she has walked by thousands of times. Introducing herself to new people hasn’t always been a fun hobby for Emily but she finds herself drawn to the small girl with shiny brown hair and a sad mouth. She stops at the gate, her hand holding the white wood as she presses high on her toes to be seen clearly.
“Hello,” she calls across the lawn and her heart races as the girl looks up, the notepad in her hand forgotten as she takes in the face of the stranger across from her. “I’m Emily. Dickinson. I’m Emily Dickinson.”
For a long few seconds the girl doesn’t answer, just looks at her with a stubborn question in her eyes, before she rises from her chair on the porch. She walks to the bottom of the steps of the porch and holds her hands in front of her, one of them gently playing with the fabric of her dress.
“I’m Sue.”
And that was all it really took.
—
Emily learns a few months later that Sue is an orphan. Her mother died during childbirth so she never knew her and her father was absent enough that when he eventually died, in a bar somewhere in Boston, she barely felt the loss at all. She tells Emily stories about being moved around from foster home to foster home before they found her aunt in Amherst.
It’s no secret to Emily, or to Sue, or to anyone who pays close enough attention that her aunt isn’t particularly maternal. She’s a strict woman with stricter boundaries that Sue tries to follow but always seems to fail at. It takes less than a week for Emily to decide it simply isn’t acceptable that rules were made to be broken. She starts it off by inviting Sue over to help with her math homework; Sue is a genius at school, everyone knows it, but with numbers she becomes magical. And of course Sue helps, because Sue can’t do anything but say yes and offer her services, but it soon turns from helpful tuition to sleepovers and evenings in front of the television and annoying the other two Dickinson siblings.
Emily does anything and everything she can do to keep Sue under the Homestead roof and far away from the other house.
Eventually Sue becomes part of the family too, simply another Dickinson and another mouth to feed. She grows and matures under the household, weaving into their family like ivy, and they all embrace her in their own ways. Lavinia and her share art; she impresses Mr Dickinson with her knowledge of numbers and Mrs Dickinson practically aches to have another daughter to teach how to cook and clean and mold into the next best housewife in Amherst.
And Austin likes her; it’s clear as the sun in the sky and rain in the clouds.
Emily isn’t quite sure how to take that.
—
They’re in the kitchen when Emily first feels it.
They’re fifteen and it’s after the first time that Sue’s uncle had said something strange to her about her body. Emily had ensured she’d come home with her, back to the Homestead, back to where Emily could keep an eye on her and keep hands off of her.
At fifteen she knows a little too much about the world even if, most of the time, she lives in her own dreamland.
“Mom says you need to go and help her and Vinnie upstairs,” Austin tells her, striding into the kitchen without an ounce of decorum and Emily only just holds back a huff of frustration at his intrusion. He looks ready to continue but the sight of Sue being there, alongside his sister, throws him off for a moment and he softens; looking far more approachable than he had only a moment ago. Emily watches his ears as his ears grow pink on the edges. He blinks rapidly before continuing whatever he’d interrupted them to say. “It’s a matter of life and death apparently.”
“Why can’t you help?”
He sets her with a look. “I’m a man, Emily.”
“Ah, yes, the weaker of the two sexes. Unable to complete a single task without the input of a female,” she sighs but it is in jest. All three of the siblings are all too aware of their parents' old fashioned ways, all three of them have long since learnt to find amusement within it. She dusts her hands off and glances at the girl next to her, the girl with amusement in her eyes at the pure bickering of the siblings. “Come on, Sue. Let’s find out what Emily Norcross Dickinson could possibly be calling on us for.”
“No,” Austin cuts in and it stalls Emily for a second, her attention moving back to her brother who has suddenly become interested in the grain of the table. He looks up and gestures at her friend. “Sue is our guest, Emily. And mom specifically asked for you. I’ll stay here and continue whatever it is that you’re working on.”
“Indian pudding,” she says but he’s smiling at Sue and something tells Emily he can barely hear her. Sue has that effect, she knows. “You don’t even know how to make it.”
“Sue can show me,” he insists and finally drags his gaze back to her with a rueful smile. “Go on. She dragged me out of my room to come and find you so you know it’s something important.”
“I -” Emily looks at Sue and receives a gentle smile in return and a soft nod of her head. For years they’ve communicated without words and she knows that this is Sue telling her to go, telling her that she’ll be fine in Austin’s company and to hurry. “ Don’t mess up my recipe, Austin. I’ll be right back.”
“Oh we’ll be fine. I’m in wonderful company,” he tells her and Emily tries to ignore it, she does, but when she reaches the door she turns back. “Come on, Sue. Show me why that strange little British baking show should have chosen you as a contestant this year.”
Usually the sight of Sue laughing or enjoying herself would bring an easy smile to Emily’s lips but watching her laugh with Austin, even if it wasn’t her usual full laugh where her eyes wrinkled and she covered her mouth, sent a stone into the pit of her stomach.
She climbs the stairs to her mother on the second floor and wonders just how long the weight in her stomach will last.
—
The second time she notices a change in her view of Sue it’s the summer after the kitchen incident.
They’re at the lake – Vinnie is on the shoulders of Ship attempting some kind of challenge, his skinny body barely able to hold her weight and his nose and mouth dipping into the water as he tries to find solid ground underfoot. Above them the sun radiates, casting a heat over Amherst like Emily had never truly experienced before. She recalls her father talking about how the seasons were changing, mentioning how when he was a boy there were distinct changes in the weather, but now it was as if the world rotated on a different axis and heated and cooled on its own timer.
She wonders what it would have been like twenty years ago, a hundred years ago, three hundred.
“He’s going to drown,” Sue says from above her and it takes Emily a long moment to look up, reading to the end of the paragraph before turning her attention to her friend. “Should we stop them?”
“Have you ever tried to stop Lavinia from doing anything? It’s an impossible task,” Emily smiles and it only widens when Sue drops next to her. She has her hair up and away from her neck in a high pony and Emily is fascinated by the curls forming at the ends of her hair from the heat. She only ever recalls Sue wearing her hair tight in a bun at the back of her head or loose around her shoulders at night; she likes the change. “You have sunscreen on your shoulders.”
At that Sue looks, her neck craning to see it and she quickly rubs at the white lotion. “Do you remember last summer when I burnt up?”
“You still have the marks.”
“Which is why I’m doubling down this year,” she insists but there’s a laugh coiling between her words. She looks at Emily with a fondness that begins to burn in her chest, far deeper than any sun ray, and she gestures to the book in her hands. “Are you going to join us in the water today?”
“Maybe,” Emily replies, coy. She didn’t particularly have plans to splash around in lake water but the heat was verging on unbearable and the temptation was growing at each passing minute. “I want to finish this first. I don’t have much left to read.”
“You already know how it ends.”
“But if I don’t finish it then the book might go back on my shelf feeling unloved,” Emily pouts and it's one of those strange sentences she knows her mother would roll her eyes at but Sue simply hums, picking at the grass next to her thigh. “Go. I’ll join you.”
“I’m happy sitting here in the shade. It’s cooler here than on the rest of the grounds.”
Emily nods, satisfied. She opens the book again and settles back against the trunk, listening to her friend's raucous laughter and the soft hush of the wind through the leaves above her head. She flicks another page to the left when a shadow covers her legs and she doesn’t need to look up to know it’s Austin, the rhythmic dripping of water onto her calf is enough to tell her it’s her most annoying sibling.
“Sue come play chicken with me, Ship and Vinnie,” he asks, a hand running through his hair. Emily casts her eyes to Sue for a second, noting the confusion on her face, before dropping them down to the words on the page. “You’ll be here for hours if you wait for Emily to finish. You know she’ll finish the book and then want to reread her favourite passages. I need someone to help me take Vinnie down.”
“Austin I’m not helping to throw your sister into a lake.”
He nudges Emily’s calf with his bare foot and she hears Sue laugh at the face she pulls. “Emily, tell her.”
“Sue. Go and help my brother drown our youngest sister in the lake.”
“I didn’t say that!”
“No!”
At successfully getting a rise out of the pair Emily drops her book onto her lap, her finger holding her place. She wants to comment further but she can see how nervous Austin suddenly looks and how George is watching in glee from where he’s sitting on the bank. She’s suddenly very aware why Austin is asking Sue to go with him and why he’s nudging for her support.
“I think I’ll just wait for Emily to finish up,” Sue says diplomatically and it almost stings inside Emily’s heart at how put out Austin looks, how disappointed that she doesn’t want to spend time with him and the ache in her stomach starts to take hold again. “I promise.”
“I’ll hold you to that, Sue Gilbert,” he smiles and it holds a lot more weight now that Emily can see what is actually happening here. He clears his throat and tries once more, this time addressing his sister and hoping for a better result. “And, Emily, George has asked for your support too. Best of three matches to crown the best Dickinson?”
“Why do we need three matches to prove I can beat you on the first try?”
“That right there is fighting talk, Em. Big words for someone sitting on the side of the lake,” he smirks and it’s because he knows he’s won that it’s so confident.
She rolls her eyes at her childish older brother and stands, removing her t-shirt so she is left in her swimsuit and shorts. “Fine,” she tells him, her chin jutting out in defiance and she misses the disappointed look in Sue’s eyes. “But I’m carrying Sue. You can hold George.”
“Emily, no. You’re too little,” Sue laughs but she’s rising too, already dressed to jump into the lake and she touches her fingers to the inside of Emily’s forearm. “I’ll go with Austin. Having you break your neck isn’t exactly my idea of a fun time.”
“I’m taller than you!”
“The lady has spoken,” her brother cuts in before Sue can speak and Emily narrows her eyes at him. He simply replies by sticking his tongue out and holding out his hand for Sue. She takes it and Emily watches as they head towards the water. Sun shines off of it’s surface and a cheer goes up as Austin walks towards the group with her, him triumphantly raising their joined hands.
The stone in Emily’s stomach grows.
—
When Sue stays the night, she stays in Emily’s bed. The house has three extra bedrooms for guests and they’re always prepped at the beginning of every day by Maggie, used during the holidays by family and friends, but Sue stays in Emily’s bed.
It’s a familiar routine that they share. Sue spends the evening with Vinnie discussing art and boys or sometimes she talks to Austin about school or people they know.
And Emily writes.
A long time ago Sue had casually mentioned that it was a good thing she was so close to the Dickinson family, that they let her in so readily, otherwise Emily’s penchant for wandering off into her own daydreams would leave Sue in awkward positions more frequently than the writer realised. It had, initially, made Emily laugh at the time but she really had to wonder if it was something Sue disliked about her and she had to ask.
“No, Emily,” Sue smiles as the question is posed to her. Emily sits at her desk, her pen between her fingers, and she shifts nervously. “Truly. There isn’t much you do that I dislike.”
“That’s not true.”
Sue shifts onto her side and pulls her hand up to rest under her head as she watches Emily but she doesn’t say anything else and Emily is glad she isn’t full of compliments. Most nights it’s easier to write when Sue watches her, like she can feel the inspiration boring into her. But other times it feels a little too much, like right now, and she places the pen down.
“What are you writing about?”
“Death.”
“ Quelle surprise ,” Sue rolls her eyes at her but it’s said with such affection that Emily curls her toes, her head dropping down shyly. With everyone else, anyone else, she’s so sure of her poetry and then Sue will look at her or her fingers will shake over her words on the paper and it’s all too much. “Why Death? Why not love or the world or, I don’t know… Kittens? ”
“Kittens?”
“I’m spitballing, Dickinson. Humour me please.”
“Do you not think it’s fascinating, Sue? The unknown of it all, the inevitability? Death is the only thing we'll ever be certain of in life. There’s a romance to it.”
Sue nods like she understands and Emily is sure that she does. Their writing is so different and yet similar, much like themselves and their friendship, and it lights a spark. “Yes, I suppose. But love is like that, isn’t it? Inevitable. Unknown.”
She looks at Emily for a long moment, her gaze different than before, and the latter turns away as the nerves get the better of her. She breathes deeply before replying.
“I write about love.”
“Will you ever show me? Because I only ever seem to read about your funeral. Which, while fantastic the way you write it, isn’t something I want to think about often.”
Emily thinks back to her poetry, “If I can stop my heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain…”
“You’re the only one I write for,” Emily says softly and there’s something about the slow blink Sue gives her that says more than it should, the way the smile curls at the corner of her lips; content and safe. “You can read all of it. You know that.”
“Have you ever shown Austin your poems?”
At the mention of her brother Emily frowns. Sue hasn’t ever brought him up before, not by herself, and the stone she’s felt in her stomach over the last few years begins to rumble in displeasure. She turns just so, keeping her eyes on the paper on the desk in front of her and she shakes her head.
“No. Why?”
“I don’t know. He talks about you sometimes. He told me how talented you are,” at that Emily looks at Sue, confusion written on her face, because Austin says a lot of things about her but she can’t ever place the word talented . “I think he’s read some of your work. He’s proud of you.”
“Maybe Vinnie showed him and explained what the big words meant. I don’t think Austin would understand what I write by himself.”
Sue laughs, soft and low at that but there’s something underneath that Emily can’t quite figure out. Sue Gilbert is forever a mystery to Emily and yet, somehow, the easiest person to read and it’s frustrating and exhilarating at the same time.
“Probably not but I think it’s nice that he tries,” she shrugs just once before sitting up and gesturing to the bed. Just like that, the topic of Austin is over for Sue. For Emily though it lingers; the way she casually brought him up, how she spends time with him before retiring to Emily’s bedroom. “Come and join me.”
“I’m not tired.”
“You’re never tired but if I let you sit and write you’ll be there until sunrise and we have school in the morning,” Sue fires back. “I won’t let you get into trouble for falling asleep in class.”
“I won’t fall asleep in class if I don’t go to school,” Emily jokes lightly and they both know how missing school is so far out of Emily’s mind it’s humorous. Perfect attendance, perfect grades; Emily adores her education. She adores what is offered to her.. She stands from her chair and walks over to the bed, clambering in and laying on her back with a soft sigh. “Austin likes you, you know? It’s kind of messed up.”
She doesn’t know why she says it but the stone in her stomach is tossing and turning and it forces words out of her mouth before she can really stop them. It’s growing in its nature and Emily isn’t sure how to stop it, isn’t even really sure what it is, but it’s building and building and it only grows louder when Sue is close. Quieting only when she leaves.
“I know,” Sue replies softly and Emily starts as she feels soft fingertips trace her bicep. Up and down, up and down. Soft movements from softer fingers and she can’t quite decide whether to focus on the touch or on Sue’s words. Sue’s gaze drops from her face and she wonders why her friend can no longer look at her. “He told me.”
“He did?”
“Yes. The other morning. We went to see the horses and he asked me on a date.”
It wasn’t surprising really. Lavinia had said more than once that Austin had ‘heart-eyes’ for Sue and Emily was also fully aware of how their mother mooned over the pair; but there was something different, more painful, about it being said out loud.
Of Sue saying it.
Of Sue acknowledging it.
“Oh,” she says and it’s amazing how her voice can shake even on a singular syllable. “Are you going to go?”
There’s no reply for a moment–just the up and down movement of Sue’s fingers on the soft skin of her bicep–and then Sue lifts her head, looking down at Emily. It takes long seconds before Emily lets her eyes meet Sue’s and it’s there again, the stone in her stomach that echoes the confusing look in Sue’s eyes.
“I don’t know. I mean he’s sweet and he’s handsome and I know he likes me,” Sue says and ignores the disgusted sneer on Emily’s lips. “Is there a reason I should say no?”
Yes, Emily thinks.
“No,” she says.
—
Austin takes Sue to the movies one month before Emily’s sixteenth birthday and she decides she doesn’t really enjoy writing about love all that much.
ii.
“The University of Massachusetts is a fine establishment, Austin, if not the best business university in the country. Now I’ve listened to your woes about you disliking law and, thanks to your mother, I’m humouring my children’s need to study what it is they desire rather than what will benefit them. But you’re a fool to think I’m going to let you uproot your life without some advice from your father who is, by the way, much older and much wiser in the workings of the world.”
Emily blinks back into reality at her fathers stern voice, her eyes casting across the large table to her brother and she hurried to catch up to the conversation. His mouth is set tight and it makes Emily smile a little at how much he looks like their mom in that moment. He huffs out a frustrated breath, fists clenching a little, and Emily only looks away when she sees a gentle hand cover the top of Austin’s with grace, long fingers stroking at Austin’s knuckles.
Sue.
“I know, dad. And I appreciate everything that you do but I want to see more of the world, you know? I thought you’d be proud of me for having options.”
“New York is still in America,” Emily points out, laughing softly at the smile that Sue sends her way. “You’re seeing the rest of the country, Austin. Not the world.”
While it was uncomfortable listening to her father and brother argue over dinner, of course it was, it was also kind of nice to know that her parents simply wanted the best for all three of them. She wonders what it was like for Sue growing up; to make independent decisions and have nobody, no-one of blood relation, care about the choices you made.
“Well, yes,” Austin stutters for a moment before he rolls his eyes so hard that his head tilts back at the same time. “Emily, stop. You’re missing the point. I’ve not completely decided yet. I just wanted to let you all know that I applied to NYU, alongside others, before my acceptance letters arrive. I mean Sue has mentioned going to Yale, and being close to her would be a bonus, but I will consider all options.”
Emily’s fork clatters onto her plate and the only person who doesn’t look at her is Sue.
—
Sue doesn’t stay in Emily’s bed that night though it’s not through a lack of trying on Sue’s part. She enters the study after dinner, trying to speak to Emily, but she’s lost in her book and she makes little progress. Instead she goes back to her aunt's house, one of the rare nights that she does, and instead it is Lavinia who walks into her bedroom a little after midnight.
“Did you know?”
Lavinia has always been observant. As a baby she was the same; she’d react more emotionally to situations around the home, crying when Austin fell from his horse or falling asleep with Emily while she was reading. While it was often the middle child that was ignored–there was no denying that Austin was the favourite–Lavinia and Emily often felt like afterthoughts and they shared the forgotten child badge with pride. If asked Austin would, of course, deny it but it was clear to see that their mother fawned over her oldest, and only, boy and that often left the girls to their own devices. Emily, more often than not, off in her own daydreams. Lavinia with time on her hands and big observant eyes.
“Did I know about what?”
“About Sue,” Vinnie asks, shuffling under the covers with her older sister and laying her head on her shoulder. There was a comfort radiating from the girl that Emily wasn’t sure she even needed but it flooded her as soon as blonde hair hit her shoulder and she embraced the warmth. Emily put her book down onto her stomach before focusing on the crack in the ceiling, one that had been there ever since she called this room hers. “About her wanting to go to Yale?”
“Of course I did. She’s my best friend,” Emily lies. “We tell each other everything.”
“Do you?”
Emily huffs at that, frustrated. “What is this, twenty questions? Yes I knew Sue wanted to go to Yale and I’m glad Austin wants to go to New York and meet somewhere in the middle. They can live happily ever after in some exquisite apartment with their big brains and have all the babies they desire.”
It’s an outburst that demands answers but Lavinia just nods and stays quiet for a moment.
“Emily?”
“What, Lavinia?”
“Can I sleep in here with you tonight?” They both know that isn’t what Vinnie was going to ask but Emily doesn’t press. Lavinia has a magic about her that Emily can’t quite name and when she uses it correctly, when she presses on the truth like a fresh bruise, it’s almost too much. “I could use the company.”
And of course Emily says yes because Sue is certainly her best friend, without a doubt, but Vinnie is her most favourite person in the world.
—
Sue approaches her in the orchard the next day.
She’d left a note in the kitchen saying where she was going to be, completely aware that the only person who would read something with her handwriting would be Sue. Nobody else really paid her scraps of paper any attention, except maybe Maggie, and she wasn’t surprised when she heard the soft footfalls of her friend approaching.
“Your mom said I could stay for dinner tonight,” Sue begins and Emily simply nods. The hard bark from the tree digs into the soft skin beneath her nails as she listens to Sue speak and she lets the dead pieces of wood drift to the ground. “Is that okay?”
“You stay for dinner at least three nights a week, five on average. You don’t need my permission.”
“I’m not asking –” a sigh leaves Sue and it sounds hurt. “Emily. Look at me.”
And she does, because denying Sue Gilbert of almost anything is impossible and Emily doesn’t quite know what to do with that information.
“I’m sorry.”
“Okay,” Emily shrugs and the stone in her stomach grows again, rumbling and moving and rolling and rolling and rolling. She feels sick but she shrugs instead as she purses her lips. “So. Yale.”
“I was going to tell you.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Emily,” Sue scolds and her voice is higher than usual, as it generally is when she’s finding herself in a frustrating conversation with Emily Dickinson. She pronounces every single letter of her name and her gaze hardens. “You know you’re the first person I would have told.”
“But I wasn’t.”
Sue inhales sharply before shaking her head. “No, I suppose this time you weren’t. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want to tell you. Austin was there and –”
“And you told him instead of me.”
“He’s my boyfriend, Emily. I kind of have to include him in my plans.”
“Why are you getting annoyed at me? You didn’t tell me. I wasn’t the first person you thought of when you decided this. Austin was. These are facts and things you did; I’m pointing them out.”
Sue looks to the side as Emily’s tone changes and for a moment Emily has to wonder if this is their first real fight. They’ve bickered before, of course, when they were too tired to humour one another or when school work got a little too much.
But this felt more powerful than a disagreement over Shakesphere; this felt deeper, like something was waiting to explode and had been biding its time.
“You only ever see what you want to see, Emily. You observe in the here and now and you don’t see the bigger picture. Ever. Not everything is quite as simple as the words you write on paper.”
“You think my words are simple?”
“Stop doing that,” Sue snaps and Emily swallows thickly at the irritation clouding her favourite eyes. “I don’t want to stay in Amherst forever, Emily. I have nothing here. There’s a chance I can go to Yale on a scholarship with my grades and I’d be an idiot to not take it, to prove to everyone that I can do it. It’s not as easy for me as it is for you – You and your siblings? You can go anywhere. Your parents will pay for whatever school you want. I don’t have that luxury but I do have the chance to go to the best school in the country.”
“You have nothing in Amherst? Really?”
And that seems to break Sue, more than anything else. “Stop focusing on the things you want to focus on and pay attention to everything else going on. Emily, I didn’t tell you because I knew I’d have your support whether I went to Yale or a community college in Boston. I needed to make this choice for my future because I knew whatever I decided you’d be with me. Do you understand?”
Hurt still courses through Emily’s veins and she looks up through the leaves of her tree to the blue sky above. “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me these things.”
“It’s because I can tell you that I didn’t,” Sue reassures her but it’s more confusing than it is helpful. “I guess I assumed you could read my mind like you always have. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Emily finally concedes to forgiveness and jumps down from the apple tree, standing in front of her best friend. “I suppose it will be nice to visit you in New Haven from time to time.”
“Oh, you suppose? And where are you thinking of studying?”
“I don’t know yet but as soon as I decide you’ll be the first person I’ll tell,” Emily smiles and just like that the weight has lifted.
—
They hold hands on the way back to the house and Sue only lets go when they step foot onto the porch.
“Promise me something, Sue,” Emily asks quietly as they step up to the wooden decking. Inside the house she can already hear the music playing and she rolls her eyes a little at the predictability of her family. “Just one thing.”
“What?”
“If I stay here in Amherst. If I never leave and you do…If you travel all over with that beautiful mind of yours and teach the world the secret of numbers – Promise you won’t forget me. Please?”
At that Sue lets out the softest noise, a whimper almost, and Emily can do nothing but swallow back anything she wants to add.
“You will always be the most important person in my life, Emily Dickinson. I couldn’t forget you even if I tried,” she smiles softly, her gaze dropping to their shoes. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”
And Emily really, truly, desperately wants to know what that means but they’re inevitably forced apart as the door flies open and Maggie greets them with a shrill, “Emily! Sue! Mrs. Dickinson is about thirty seconds away from calling up the police and putting together a search party for you girls. Come on in, now. Quickly.”
—
After Christmas Sue takes up a job with Betty in town helping out at her shop. It pays well enough and Sue learns as many skills as she can–it helps that Betty is one of the nicest people on Earth-but her ultimate goal is to buy herself a car for when she starts college and so she picks up as many hours as she can. All that means for Emily is there are less hours in the day to spend time with her best friend. If Sue isn’t studying and making sure she keeps her GPA, she’s with Austin or working at the shop.
She still sleeps in Emily’s bed, though, on the nights that she stays over, and even if all she gets is a sleepy, exhausted, half-there Sue it’s better than no Sue at all and Emily is greedy with her time. She savours the nights; listening to Sue try and keep up conversation, genuinely invested in Emily’s words but too tired to really pay complete attention, and Emily watches as her eyelashes eventually flutter closed as she counts Sue’s breaths and writes poem after poem to the rhythm.
(She doesn’t ever let herself wonder what that means.)
—
Two weeks before Austin is ready to move to New York for college Sue doesn’t come into Emily’s bedroom. Emily sits at her desk, focused on both her writing and waiting for the creak of her door, and she swallows down any disappointment when her friend doesn’t walk in. Hours drift by and Emily checks her cell when she feels the familiar ache in her back and ribs and she vaguely hears Sue chastising her about her posture. She stretches in her wooden chair and stands, pacing her room for a few moments, before venturing out.
It’s early on a Saturday morning and the house is deathly silent and Emily pads the halls, her brain overflowing with words and imagery, and she lets her imagination overtake her as she walks down the stairs. She imagines descending down into darkness, Death waiting for her with his hand outstretched at the bottom and his smile hiding all the secrets of the world. Her fingers run across the wallpaper and she smiles softly to herself, words sinking into one another in her mind, and she already knows she isn’t going to sleep tonight.
Instead she makes herself a small glass of water and drinks it slowly, leaning against the counter. If she thinks deeply enough she can smell the fragrant cooking of her mothers food, the hum of the football game in the living room and Austin’s impassioned cries, she can see Lavinia composing her next piece and can see the smudges of charcoal on the table that her mom will sigh at. She loves her home; she loves Amherst and she wonders if it will be different when Austin leaves. Wonders if the house will feel the same or if it will lose some of its character. She thinks about Sue, she always thinks about Sue, and she hopes that she’ll miss Amherst too when she goes to college; hopes that she’ll come back.
She doesn’t like to think about what will happen if she doesn’t.
Eventually she tires, though her mind is alive, and she makes her way back to her bedroom. She thinks about distance and love and family. She thinks about Sue and her fingers ache to write, her body unable to reach her desk quickly enough it feels, but she is stopped at the top of the stairs.
“Sue,” she whispers but at three a.m it echoes in the long corridor of the Dickinson home and Sue startles, turning quickly to meet Emily’s gaze. She’s in a pair of shorts and Austin’s baseball shirt. Her hair is hastily pulled back into a bun but most of it falls out and frames the long slope of her neck. Her lips are bruised and Emily isn’t stupid. “I thought you went home.”
“I –” she searches for words and her eyes look scared but Emily doesn’t move and, for the first time, neither of them know how to approach the other. One stands at the top of the stairs, knuckles white from the grip on the rail, the other stands to the entrance of Emily’s bedroom. “I wouldn’t go without saying goodbye to you. I fell asleep in Austin’s bed.”
No you didn’t, Emily thinks and she doesn’t hesitate in saying it. Her eyes narrow. “That’s not what happened.”
“Emily…”
“I think you should have stayed in Austin’s bed,” Emily says and she watches as the muscle in Sue’s jaw clenches, flexing under the pressure Emily knows Sue is exerting. She feels hurt, she feels hot all over, and she needs to feel it in the safety of her bedroom and not in the long expansive hallway that leads to her brother's bedroom. “Sue. Go.”
Sue’s voice is quiet and she trembles out her words like they’ll splinter if she says them louder. “I can’t sleep there. I can only sleep in your bed. I’ve tried for hours and I…Emily, can I stay with you tonight?”
Emily thinks about what Sue has done that evening, her mind flooding with unwanted images, and she swallows down what she wants to say. She instead walks towards her bedroom and she ignores the gasp that Sue lets out as she brushes by her, their thighs pressing against one another with Sue’s refusal to move, and Emily walks into her bedroom and closes the door behind her.
The stone in her stomach grows further and clogs her throat.
She doesn’t attempt to write that night.
—
In the morning Emily doesn’t bother going downstairs for breakfast.
She can hear her mom asking where she is and the disinterested tone of her brother and sister as they say they don’t know. Maggie knocks on her door, just once.
“Emily?” She tries but Emily lays on her bed, her arms crossed over her stomach as she tries to hold in whatever it is that is growing, and she listens as her feet recede and move back down the stairs.
Sue doesn’t come at all.
—
They don’t speak for Austin’s final days in Amherst. Sue attends parties with her boyfriend as he and his friends get ready to go their separate ways and Emily stays in her bedroom, happily blocking out the rest of the world. Nobody says anything about the distance between them but Maggie does give Emily a few knowing looks and Emily relishes in the soft touch Maggie places on her shoulder now and then.
In the end it’s Austin who approaches her; wary of her temperament but solid in his decision to speak to his younger sister. “Why are you not speaking to Sue?”
“I’m not not speaking to Sue,” Emily tells him and she lets her head rest against her window as she looks out into the garden. A marquee is being rigged up and Emily has to wonder if their mother knows Austin is only going to be in New York for a few years; he isn’t dying . And being the mommy’s boy he is, Emily already knows he’s going to travel back most weekends and every holiday. But she also knows that Jane’s parents hosted a large party in the town hall when Jane got accepted into Harvard and Emily Norcross Dickinson would rather die than pale in comparison to the Humphrey family. At the bottom of the drive-way a van pulls up and two men get out, opening the large doors and pulling out a full pig. She spins on her heel. “This party is going to be disgusting, Austin. I’m not eating anything with a face. In fact I refuse to be there if you roast that thing in front of me.”
“Dad ordered it,” he shrugs, uncaring. “You’re making Sue cry.”
“Sue is making Sue cry. I haven't said anything to her.”
“Exactly the reason she’s crying,” he says and pulls at the bottom of his t-shirt, standing straight, and he stares down Emily with eyes familiar to her own. For a second Emily wants to laugh at how ridiculous the situation is; Sue was Emily’s friend before she was Austin’s anything and yet –
“You can tell Sue that I have been in this room as I have always been. I haven’t gone anywhere. She can come and see me.”
“You tell her.”
“No, I'm not speaking to her right now.”
“I knew it!” Austin points his finger at her in triumph and this time Emily does laugh, his hair flopping around at his vigour, but it lasts only a second and the smile drops from her face. “Why aren’t you two speaking? There was a time you would have had us all believe that the world would stop turning if the two of you were ever separated.”
Emily shrugs, unsure how to word it.
She broke my heart when she slept in your bed.
I’m angry because I don’t have a right to be hurt and the feeling won’t leave me alone.
I wish I was you.
“I don’t even remember,” she says instead and Austin scoffs like he can’t quite believe that but he doesn’t press her any further. For most looking in, Emily and Lavinia were the closest and while that was true–it really was–Austin was still her older brother. For two years it was them against the world. For two years he protected her fiercely. But times change and things move on but there are moments, like right then, that Emily just misses her big brother and his unwavering loyalty to her. “I don’t even think I’m mad at her to be honest.”
“Then go and see her. She’s in the garden with Lavinia helping her choreograph something. I think it’s supposed to represent her relationship with Ship but Ship is being played by a piece of trash,” Austin looks as confused as always when it comes to their younger sister and Emily smiles. “From the right perspective it’s kind of beautiful.”
“You should spend time with her before you go,” Emily tells him and ignores the rest of his words. He frowns at her but after a second clearly decides that it isn’t his place and that this isn’t his fight. “I’ll be at your party though. Someone is going to have to free that pig.”
“It’s already dead, Emily.”
“Only in flesh,” she fires back and he stands still, staring at her.
“You’re so weird.”
—
Fireworks light up both the sky and the Earth in unison. From her seat Emily watches the colours cover the faces of her family and friends; her eyes taking in the deep colours, the awe and laughter. In truth she thinks the whole thing is ridiculous – Austin barely passed High School and she knows nobody is really going to talk about how money solves all of Austin’s problems. She can hear him laughing from across the garden and it makes her smile. Eventually she knows she’ll join in; she’ll make an appearance and she’ll party with her friends, but in that moment she just wants to sit in the quiet and enjoy the sounds of the party. Austin’s laughter and Lavinia’s dancing keeps her occupied right up until a familiar aura surrounds her.
The hairs on her arm stand on end and Emily thinks it’s almost impossible how Sue has such a hold over her body without ever even speaking a word. She wonders if this is going to be a forever kind of feeling or if, eventually, it will fade along with the colours of spring and be worn away like the rocks that stand at the side of a river.
“Are you going to ignore me forever?”
Sue stands in front of her and it takes everything in Emily to not look up. She can smell the distinct perfume that Sue wears–the one Emily chose for her rather than the one she ignores from Austin–and she focuses instead on how Sue’s hands wring together, her fingers tugging on one another as she tries to approach her best friend. The truth is Emily doesn’t want to ignore Sue but she also doesn’t know how to speak to her anymore.
She thinks maybe Austin will always have something of her that Emily can never have and she isn’t used to not having all of Sue.
“No,” Emily admits and she can see how Sue’s body relaxes a little at the denial. “I haven’t been ignoring you. You’ve been busy.”
Sue sighs and sits next to her, waiting patiently for Emily to look at her. When she does she meets her eyes meaningfully. “It feels like you’ve been ignoring me.”
“Your parties have been time-consuming, I guess. And you know my poems take days away from me,” Emily finally replies but she already knows that Sue doesn’t believe her and it’s only affirmed when she purses her lips, annoyance clouding her eyes. “Anyway, why would I be ignoring you?”
“Because I had sex with Austin,” Emily flinches at Sue’s and it’s all it takes for her friend to catch on. There’s a conversation lingering beneath the surface that both of them know they should have but Emily is sure they’re both going to ignore it. “You can’t be mad at me for that.”
“I’m not mad.”
“Disappointed then.”
“I’m not disappointed. God, I don’t care that you had sex with Austin. He’s your boyfriend, right?” Emily stands quickly from the bench they’re sharing and paces quickly, spinning abruptly to look at Sue. She almost explodes at how patient her friend looks. “I don’t know what you’re looking for me to say.”
“I want you to be honest,” Sue says quietly, one shoulder lifting in a sad shrug. “Tell me the truth.”
But Emily knows she can’t do that. Because telling Sue the truth would mean sifting through forgotten thoughts and she doesn’t want to do that; she doesn’t want to bring up old wounds or think about tears she’s hastily had to wipe away. She doesn’t want to think about what any of it means because thinking about it opens it all up to possibility and having that hope will ruin her. She knows that.
“I guess I was just shocked,” she says instead and Sue looks so disappointed and so hurt that Emily almost chokes on her words. “I thought we would tell each other when we were ready for that kind of thing. I don’t know…Like the girls in the movies do.”
“Our friendship isn’t like the movies,” Sue tells her but her voice is thick with something and Emily doesn’t know what to do to make it better. “It just happened. And honestly I don’t even know if I was ready but one thing led to another, I guess, and I didn’t exactly try to stop it. He didn’t force me or anything and we’ve not done it since either, he’s been really good about it, but I suppose I thought it was going to go another way.”
“Did it hurt?” Emily asks. She doesn’t want to know, not really, but she also can read Sue like a well-worn book and she knows her friend needs someone to talk to about this. There’s a long pause before Sue gives one nod.
“Yes, but not until later,” she whispers her admission and Emily frowns. She doesn’t know what that means but before Sue can continue they’re interrupted by a loud, drunken George stumbling around the corner.
“Sue! Emily,” his smile grows larger at the image of the girls in front of him and Sue stands swiftly, moving closer to Emily and taking her hand. He’s laughing about something but Emily really couldn’t care what it is. Especially when Sue tangles their fingers together and squeezes twice. “You need to come. Vinnie has decided to free the pig your dad bought but she wants to ride it like a horse out of the gates. Austin thinks Emily is the only one that can do something about it.”
—
Emily is sure the image of her sister attempting to climb onto a table while their dad grabs her by her legs is an image that will stay with her for a long, long time.
The sound of Sue’s laughter at the scene though will linger longer than that.
iii.
Senior year starts and despite the fact that Sue focuses deeper on her studies than ever before and the fact she continues to pick up all the hours she can; Emily basks in the time they can share together. With Sue’s sole focus being Yale, Emily helps her as often as she can with her studies and makes sure to carve out time to help her friend with whatever classes that she can.
It shocks absolutely nobody that Austin lasts a month before coming back home. He stands in the doorway, like he’s arrived home from war, and their mother only encourages it by hugging him and crying like he’s been lost for years. Emily half expects to lose Sue that weekend but, while Sue spends the day with Austin, nights are spent with Sue in her bed, her soft breath moving over her shoulder in warm bursts.
Emily knows it means something but the rumbling in her stomach has quieted significantly and she isn’t willing to wake it.
“Austin has invited me to go to New York when we break from school,” Sue tells her one evening and Emily nods along, her pen scratching over paper as she fights to finish her poem. There are two essays due by the end of the week but words have been overflowing from her mind since Sue has eased back into her bedroom and she needs to get it all out or she fears she’ll actually say it outloud and it’ll be far less poetic than what she can write. “Do you want to come with me?”
“Maybe,” she placates her friend but she knows Sue doesn’t believe her and it doesn’t surprise her when she feels two soft hands on her shoulders, Sue pressing against her back as she leans over and looks at the words Emily is trying to write as quickly as they spill from her brain. “It’s not finished yet.”
Sue reads for a few moments before she rubs her thumb at the top of Emily’s spine. “It’s already fantastic,” she tells her and Emily beams at the compliment. “I want you to think about it though. Me, you and Lavinia could go and make it a girls weekend.”
“Shouldn’t you be spending your time with Austin?”
“Probably,” Sue shrugs and she doesn’t move from her spot behind Emily, her thumb doesn’t stop moving. “And I’m sure we will but he has his friends at college and no offence to your brother but I’m not spending three days watching a bunch of boys drink beer and dare each other to do dumb things. It could be nice for Vinnie and I know he misses you.”
Emily huffs. “Then he should text me.”
“He does. You never look at your cell,” Sue laughs and almost as if to prove a point she reaches over Emily, her breasts pressing into Emily’s back, and taps the screen. Nothing. “Have you even charged this?”
“Yeah,” Emily defends but even she can hear how breathy her voice sounds with Sue so close. Sue clears her throat. “Like two days ago.”
“Emily.”
“You know I hate technology. It’s not my fault,” she argues back but it’s without heat and she only finds her voice again as Sue stands straight, though her hands stay on Emily’s shoulders. She massages gently and Emily relaxes back into the feeling. “Do you want me to go to New York?”
“The company would be nice.”
There isn’t much to argue with really; Emily would like to spend time with her brother and sister away from the watchful gaze of their parents and it would be nice to spend time with Sue away from the house. But, then again, she enjoys having these moments with her best friend within the four walls of her bedroom. It’s where she stores the majority of her memories. She doesn't know if New York is worthy enough to share them.
“If I do go,” Emily begins and Sue squeezes her shoulders once in excitement. “And I’m saying if I go then I absolutely refuse to stay in my brother's dorm room. I’ll ask my dad if he can get us a hotel.”
Sue laughs quietly at that. “I won’t be able to afford a hotel room. Not with travelling costs too,” she says softly, her fingers playing with the small hairs that were beginning to escape from the bun that Emily had drawn up after her shower.
“My dad will pay.”
“I won’t be able to pay him back,” Sue says and her voice has taken on a tone that Emily doesn’t really recognise. “It’s okay. Just think about it. I’m sure Austin’s room won’t even be that bad.”
“Without Maggie I fear maggots,” Emily smiles and she turns in her chair just enough to see Sue slightly better. “My dad won’t expect you to pay him back, Sue. You’re literally family at this point. And even if he does - I’ll say it’s a gift for me.”
“Emily I already owe your family more than I can possibly pay back,” she says gently and she moves away from Emily abruptly enough that it causes the poet to rise from the chair, following her body with her own. The image of worry creasing at Sue’s brow pains Emily and she jumps into action quickly, taking both of the girls hands into her own and pulling her closer. “Asking for a hotel room on top of what they’ve already given me? That’s too selfish.”
“Not if I ask.”
“God, you act as though everything is so simple,” Sue tells her and she raises her eyes to meet Emily’s. There’s something behind them that Emily can’t read, maybe something she’s never experienced, and she can do nothing but raise her hand slowly and cup the cheek in front of her. Sue leans into it immediately and it takes less than a second for Emily to lean forward, resting her forehead against Sue’s softly. “I wish I could see life the way you do.”
Emily thinks of her heart breaking and the ache in her stomach when Sue kisses Austin. She thinks about how her dad tells her he’ll read her poems and how they sit folded on his desk, untouched. She thinks about how her mom shoos her out of the kitchen with an annoyed frown, calling her a burden, and asking for Lavinia instead.
“My life isn’t as simple as I make it seem. I just choose to focus on the good things,” Emily tries and it seems to work, a smile creeping onto Sue’s face. She tries to pull back, to really see the smile, but Sue’s hand moves to her cheek and holds her in place. “Like right now. You’re here with me and I have my poetry and in the morning Maggie is going to make her famous fried potato cakes. So, really, it is simple when you really look at it. You don’t owe this family anything, Sue Gilbert. Without you we weren’t even close to being complete.”
“I love you,” Sue whispers and Emily swallows down her gasp. They don’t really say it to one another, in fact Emily isn’t sure if they ever have, and though she knows in her entire body that Sue loves her it warms her from her toes to the tips of her hair as the words sink in.
“I love you too.”
—
In the end Emily doesn’t go to New York. On the weekend they are due to go she falls ill and she fights with both her sister and Sue to both go anyway. Reluctantly they leave–(Sue the most reluctant and only letting go of her hand at the last moment. Lavinia was already in the car with her dad)--and they update Emily the entire time they are there. It’s one of the few times that Emily keeps her cell charged and Sue continues to be her muse, even three hours away, and she writes poem after poem after each picture of her favourite people come through.
They Facetime one evening; Austin hogs the screen for the majority of the conversation, telling Emily about bookstores he thinks she’d like and how much she’d enjoy getting lost in a big city, and he keeps talking until Lavinia tackles him and tells her all about the men in New York. Emily doesn’t think she’ll tell a soul but her siblings mean the world to her and if she gets misty eyed during the call then that’s nobody's business but her own.
Sue finally gets control of the cell phone and she laughs at something behind the camera, Emily assumes it’s her brother and sister, and she tilts her head to the side as she takes in the image of Emily in her bed. “Are you feeling better?” She asks and Emily notes she’s the first person–behind a screen or in the house with her–who has asked her that recently.
“Lots,” she says but she coughs just as she speaks and Sue pouts at the noise. “I’m not actually being sick anymore. That’s a bonus.”
“A true weight off,” Sue replies with an eyeroll and Emily watches as she drops her head to the pillows that she’s leaning on, her eyes clouding with worry. In the background she hears Austin call for Sue but the girl ignores him and it makes Emily bite her lip at the attention. “Have you been eating properly? Drinking?”
“Yes, mom.”
“Don’t be a brat,” Sue scolds immediately but her eyes are brighter as Emily laughs. “We’ll be home soon. I’ll ask your dad if he can drop us off at the store and I’ll pick you up some things.”
“I’ll be better by the time you’re home. Don’t waste your money.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
Emily laughs again at that and she softens a little. In the small screen she can see that Sue is still worried about her but she’s smiling and she glances off to the side again, taking in an image that Emily can’t see. “You should go. I’ll see you when you get back. Will you be staying here or going to your aunts?”
“I should probably go to my aunts.”
“Or you can stay here,” Emily decides and her tone is final. She knows Sue will make an appearance at home to satisfy her aunt and she’ll avoid her uncle and by the end of the evening she’ll be in Emily’s bed after watching movies with Vinnie. Her voice goes serious as she continues, “I miss you.”
Sue opens her mouth to reply but Vinnie’s head pops into the screen, startling both girls. “I miss you too. Sorry Sue but I need to introduce Emily to the next love of my life,” she says and Emily lets herself be shown around Austin’s dorm room, again, and she laughs when Vinnie not-so-subtly keeps the camera on one guy in particular. “I think we’ll have beautiful children.”
Emily agrees, just to save the argument, but hears Sue’s I miss you too in her heart.
—
“Have you decided where you’re going to college yet?”
Emily looks across the table at Sue and blinks twice before answering, caught off guard by the question and the tone it was asked in. She isn’t sure if Sue is mad at her, or just in a mood, and she treads carefully around her answer. There have been a few places in mind but Mount Holyoke has been creeping up her list quite significantly. She had broached the topic with her father and her chest had swelled at his positive reply; she knew he wasn’t the biggest fan of her artistic nature but she also knew he wouldn’t stifle it. And while she was sure he would rather she studied law or something deeper, he had nodded at her request to attend one of the Seven Sister colleges and returned her hug with as much vigour.
“I think I’m going to stay here. I haven’t completely decided yet but I’m thinking of applying to some close by,” she says slowly.
“In Massachusetts?”
“Yeah. I was looking at Mount Holyoke and I mean it’s perfect for me,” she continues, ignorant to the way Sue’s eyebrows jump to her hairline and her fingers twitch against her pencil. Across the room Maggie stirs her pot slowly, unwilling to get involved, and Emily turns to look at her friend. “The programmes look great and I won’t be far from home which is a bonus.”
“Sure but –” Sue starts carefully, almost like she was feeling the words in her mouth, and her eyebrows knit together. She tries twice before she continues what she was saying, her eyes on the table and not on Emily at all. “Don’t you want to see more? Try new things or see new places?”
“All places are the same,” Emily shrugs and she hears Maggie cough meaningfully by the stove but she pays her no mind. “Buildings. Sidewalks. People. It’s all the same, no matter where you are, the only thing that changes are the names.”
“Yes but don’t you think you’ll learn more if you expand your horizons? New York was amazing when I was there with Vinnie and we made a trip to New Haven. It’s glorious, Emily. I think you’d really love it there. Your poetry could really be something with a new perspective.”
“What does New Haven have that I don’t already have here?” From the otherside of the room Maggie slams a spoon down, making Emily jump, and it grabs her attention for only a second before Sue is speaking again.
“Me,” she says and Emily finally recognises the hurt in her voice. Sure enough the ache in her stomach grows again, rumbling with each flicker of sadness in Sue’s eyes and Emily licks at her lips slowly. “I’ll be there.”
“Sue –”
“I think I’m going to have dinner at my house tonight,” she says quickly and Emily panics but Sue is already packing her things and jumping up from the table, her eyes everywhere but Emily. “Sorry, Maggie. I know you made extra.”
Maggie turns, eyeing Emily first and then turning to Sue with a kind smile. “No worries, dear. I can have it put to the side for Mr. Dickinson tomorrow.” Sue then leaves before Emily can react and Emily sits for long seconds at the table, confused at the turn of events. Maggie picks up the spoon she dropped earlier and taps at the side of the pot twice. “For a poet, you surely do have a terrible way with words.”
—
That night Emily’s cell lights up and she lifts it immediately. Since Vinnie and Sue came back she’s forgotten to charge it again and she ignores the low battery warning, instead focusing on the messages on the screen. She stares for long moments, tapping the screen each time the light dimmed, and read the words over and over. In the back of her mind she can hear Sue’s voice speaking to her and she wonders why Sue couldn’t have said this at the table; why she had to leave and wait until the silky black of night covered them both.
The screen dims and she presses it again.
Sue.
For what it’s worth. I think you’ll do amazing at Mt. Holyoke.
Sue.
I just hate that you’re not going to be doing it with me.
—
They don’t talk about it again; there isn’t really much to discuss in Emily’s mind and Sue seems to have forgotten it altogether. With ease they slip back into their easy friendship and they don’t talk about Austin and they don’t talk about college and that works.
Emily doesn’t think about the ache in her stomach when she looks at Sue. She ignores the jealousy and frustration and instead focuses her entire being on graduating High School, on moving on in her education and perfecting her writing. There isn’t a doubt in her mind of what she’s going to achieve or of how far her writing is going to reach and it’s much easier to pay attention to that than it is to try and work out what is happening.
Sue encourages Emily’s studies. Emily helps Sue with hers. As always they’re one another’s biggest fans and they circle around the elephant in the room, completely bypassing the conversation they both know they should be having. Instead Sue keeps sleeping in Emily’s bed while Emily writes the evening hours away and they push ever closer to the inevitable.
“I’m going to miss sleeping in this room,” Sue says one night as they lay on the tight sheets and Emily closes her eyes, hating how she knows exactly what Sue means and still unable to really answer her the way she knows Sue wants.
“I know,” she says instead and Sue drops her head to Emily’s collarbone. Her eyelashes tickle against Emily’s skin and Emily wonders if she can feel how hard her heart is pounding, if she can feel the honesty inside her chest.
More than anything she hopes she can feel all the things Emily isn’t ready to say.