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Jaeyun didn’t see it coming. He really didn’t and he’d hate for Riki to be right.
He hated this cliche, he didn’t like this trope at all. Friends to lovers? He physically gags at the thought of it. All those love songs, those stories that only end up in two ways (spoiler alert. It’s either they end up together or they break up and never talk to each other again) best friends falling in love? Jaeyun hated the idea of it. He hates every single song and story. He boasts how he would never, never fall in love with Park Sunghoon. Park Sunghoon, his best friend since birth, his bro, his soulmate (in a bro way)
But when the fuck did Park Sunghoon look this good? He’s literally just watching him skate, the wind softly blowing his hair back which made it easier for Jaeyun to stare at his stupid concentrated face as he glides on the ice.
In his defense, Park Sunghoon has always been attractive, Sunghoon has always been charming, always the best at what he does and he even works hard to improve. Jaeyun has always acknowledged that his best friend was almost perfect. But why the fuck did Park Sunghoon make him blush when he winked at him?
Jaeyun made sure to blame it on the cold, he tightened his grip on his jacket as he continued to watch Park Sunghoon practice as if he was floating on ice.
Jaeyun likes proving people wrong and he’d really hate for Riki to be right, not when he laughed at him for ending up with Jungwon after years of friendship.
“What’s with the staring?” Sunghoon asked, reaching for Jaeyun’s hand to put in his pocket. He even stopped in front of Jaeyun, pushing his hair back, and fixed Jaeyun’s scarf to make sure that he’s not cold.
“Huh?”
“A while ago, while I was training, you were just staring at me,” Park Sunghoon answered with a chuckle. “You kinda creeped me out, bro.”
“You looked ugly,” Jaeyun lied, he lied to himself because everyone knows that Park Sunghoon was the most beautiful in his element, he looked magnificent when he skates, and Jaeyun didn’t know that it was possible for Sunghoon to glow even outside the rink.
He looked even more majestic right now, the street light illuminating his face, (Jaeyun ran out of words but if he really had to define it, one word came to mind, beautiful) Park Sunghoon stood in front of him, his eyes full of worry, their hands together inside his pocket to create warmth. Jaeyun notices his stupid big-ass backpack, wearing a long grey coat that his mother bought for his birthday.
Sunghoon grinned, his hand leaving Jaeyun’s inside his pocket and finding its way to his shoulder. “Whatever makes you sleep at night, Jakey.” Jaeyun mentally curses Sunghoon for knowing that he deflects when he’s nervous, that he tends to call people ugly, that he tends to be mean.
“I’m sorry,” Jaeyun whispered, Sunghoon just smiled and held him closer.
Jaeyun wonders when things started to feel different.
“Jaeyun, yunie, hey!” Jaeyun sighs before facing Jongseong, scooting over so Jay can sit comfortably beside him. “You’re quiet these days.” jay whispered to avoid distracting anyone in the library.
Jaeyun nods, zoning out and staring at nothing in front of him.
“Did we do something wrong?”
Jaeyun shakes his head, he loves eating lunch with his friends but he just couldn’t bear to see Jungwon and Riki, an example of how the friends to lovers trope ended well but on the opposite side, he sees Heeseung staring at Beomgyu, an example of how the friends to lovers trope ended badly.
“Did you fight with Sunghoon?”
“No, why?”
“He hasn't been sitting with us as well, we thought you two fought.”
Jaeyun lays his head onto Jongseong’s shoulders and closes his eyes. “Something’s just bothering me.”
Jaeyun feels like he knows when things started to feel different, but he was in an internal debate with why it felt different, they were doing their “normal” friend stuff. Stuff that they were used to. May it be Jaeyun watching Sunghoon practice, holding hands to avoid the cold as they walk towards their dorm building where Sunghoon would drop him off at him and Jongseong’s place before crossing the hall to go to his and Heeseung’s dorm room or Sunghoon waiting for him to finish class so they could go home together.
Nothing out of their routine was changed, it all stayed the same, things were the same yet it felt so different.
So when did Jaeyun start to feel like this? Like he was made to love Park Sunghoon.
“Hey.” Jaeyun groaned and pouted, shaking his head, Jongseong sighs. “You won’t feel better if you won’t eat.”
“Leave me alone to die.” Jongseong sighs and finally stops bothering Jaeyun, walking away and closing their dorm room slowly.
Jaeyun really wasn’t sick or anything, but he was heartbroken and he tends to sulk when things don’t go his way, he really studied for this test and the grades he got weren’t up to his standards.
Sunghoon smiles at the view, Jaeyun in his comfy clothes, forehead leaning against the couch, eyes closed and lips in a pout as he plays with a can of beer. He sits beside Jaeyun, Sunghoon leans his back into the couch, their heads touching.
“You’re sad.”
“You’re stupid.”
Sunghoon chuckles, he reaches for the can of beer to open it for Jaeyun, he gives it back and pulls Jaeyun closer, Jaeyun now lays his head against Sunghoon’s chest as his best friend runs his hands on his sides. A comforting silence between the two of them.
“Who called you here?” Sunghoon hums. Jaeyun already knows the answer, Park fucking Jongseong.
“I'm proud of you.”
“Sap.” Jaeyun whispers, he feels hot and he's not sure if the beer caused it.
Sunghoon chuckles and pulls Jaeyun tighter, placing a soft kiss on the top of his head. “Stop overanalyzing things. You'll get stressed and Jongseong will also stress out.”
“Hoonie.” Jaeyun looks up, Park Sunghoon hums as he takes the beer from Jaeyun's hands. “Thank you.”
“Always, Yunie. Always.”
Jaeyun stared at Sunghoon and at this moment, he accepted everything, and he knew that he was always bound to fall in love with his best friend.
It's slow, the way he fell in love with Park Sunghoon was slow. It wasn't rushed, it wasn't a spur-of-the-moment thing. It was sixteen years in the making, from the moment Park Sunghoon had given Jaeyun his extra nugget in kindergarten, to the way Sunghoon has taken care of Jaeyun when he was drunk, all of those little things contributed to how the universe has written their love story; intricately, too intricate that it scares Jaeyun.
Sim Jaeyun was always meant to fall in love with his best friend.
The feelings started small. It always starts small. Jaeyun didn’t even realize it until he’s mad at Sunghoon for talking to a friend or when he’s annoyed at Sunghoon for looking too good that makes people really stare. It annoyed Jaeyun how soft his lips look and how good his hair looks even when skating, or how his moles were perfectly placed, how warm he felt even after practice, how he makes Jaeyun feel warmth and home, annoyed at how great he was when handling Jaeyun drunk or sober. Sunghoon just annoyed him. It was just annoying until Jaeyun realized that its jealousy and jealousy isn’t a good look for Jaeyun.
“Stop being jealous, you know you’re my number one.” and that small feeling inside his chest, blooms, it overflows, it's suffocating, it's small until it's too big to contain. Too big and too hard to keep inside that he wouldn’t know when he’ll burst.
He knows he’ll burst soon, he even started listening to songs about best friends falling in love, his TikTok feed is about tarot readings and he’s convinced that Sunghoon feels the same. It all somehow feels the same yet so different, Hoonie’s hand on him, how he looks at Jaeyun with fondness and Sunghoon has been happy these days.
Jaeyun wants Riki to be right this time, that they were indeed meant to fall into the friends to lovers trope.
He knows he’ll burst soon. So when Yeonjun threw a party for Soobin’s birthday, he made sure to drink whatever he could because Jaeyun knew that Sunghoon would always, always take care of him. Just like he did when they first drank alcohol, Sunghoon promised to always take care and be there for Jaeyun.
“Yunie, slow down.” Jaeyun opened his eyes and saw Jongseong. He shook his head and continued muttering Sunghoon’s name. “I’m looking for him, okay? Sober up while he’s not yet here.” Jaeyun nods as he feels Jongseong push his hair back away from his forehead.
He’ll burst soon, he feels the need to puke, more so when Park Sunghoon arrives, his brows furrowed in annoyance and his lips in a straight line and he looks around for Jaeyun until he saw Jongseong trying to give him water on the balcony, so Jaeyun could have some fresh air.
“I wasn’t even supposed to be here,” Sunghoon mutters, annoyed. “You told me he was going to die.”
Jongseong shrugs, “His words, not mine.”
Sunghoon sighs and sits down beside Jaeyun, watching Jongseong disappear into the crowd.
“Hoonie?” Jaeyun whispers, his hand tightly holding onto Sunghoon’s sweater. “Is that you?”
Sunghoon nods, “Yes, it’s me.” Jaeyun gives him a smile and leans into his shoulder. “We should go home.”
Jaeyun shakes his head. “I’m about to burst.”
“If you vomit on me, I swear—”
“I love you but that isn't even enough," Jaeyun took a deep breath, trying to gain courage. "The word love isn't enough to describe what I feel for you, I adore you and I embrace you, you and your quirks and flaws. I yearn for you, I crave for you and it’s driving me insane that there is not a word in the entire universe to describe how I feel for you, but hoonie, I am yours, whatever, and however you want it to mean, I am yours, Park Sunghoon.”
Sunghoon and Jaeyun stayed quiet, it seemed like the sound of music inside was toned down and they were in their own little world. A little too quiet and that scares Jaeyun, what if they weren’t the Jungwon and Riki type, what if they were Heeseung and Beomgyu? What if they weren’t meant to even cross the line?
“Sunoo just said yes.”
“Oh.” He stood up too quickly that his drunken self almost lost balance, Sunghoon was quick to hold his waist and tried to reach out for Jaeyun’s face.
“Look at me,” Sunghoon whispered, Jaeyun closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look on Sunghoon’s.
“I’m gonna… I have to… Excuse me…” Jaeyun was always talkative but this time, he couldn’t find the right words to say or if there were any right ones. “I have to drink.”
“You’re already drunk, let me take you home.”
Jaeyun shakes his head. “I’m sober enough to remember this tomorrow.” he gives him a small smile, opens the door, and makes his way to Yeonjun’s kitchen.
Sunghoon calls out his name but for the first time, he ignores it.
He remembers it, the look on Sunghoon’s face, the pity in his eyes, how he hesitated to touch Jaeyun, he pukes and he hopes that his feelings for Sunghoon also come out, so he can just flush it down the drain.
“Are you okay?” Jongseong asks, Jaeyun nods. He’s okay, he has to be.
The next time he saw Sunghoon, he was with Sunoo. Sitting in the cafeteria where their friends were, Won and Riki were busy talking to them while Jongseong picks on his food, Heeseung staring at Beomgyu. Sunghoon looks happy, he looks at Sunoo fondly and he looks free, that was enough for Jaeyun.
He made sure to walk faster, he just needed a sandwich and he’ll be out of here.
“Jake Hyung!” he mentally cursed when Riki had called his name, everyone was looking at him, especially Sunghoon. He’s convinced that the world hates him. “Come here.”
He sighed, sitting beside Jongseong. “Hey!”
Sunoo whispered something to Sunghoon and they both stood up, saying their goodbyes which Jaeyun was too zoned out to hear and comprehend. They all said their goodbyes and Riki faced Jaeyun.
“Seems like you proved me wrong, hyung.” Jaeyun raised his brows at Riki. “You guys are totally not the friends to lovers trope, just like you said.”
Jaeyun nodded and stood up. “I have to go.” he gives them a small smile before rushing out of the campus to find alcohol.
It starts small, his relationship with alcohol, he drinks to forget, to forget the headache, to forget how he got a bad grade, to forget how exhausted he was after the exams, with Sunghoon helping him after, drinking was just to forget temporarily, but now he drinks to forget Park Sunghoon, he drinks in hopes of drowning his feelings, to forget his pain, to have a headache enough for him to just sleep through the day and it has become a cycle. It was small until it wasn’t anymore, just like Park Sunghoon.
It starts small, the heartbreak. He keeps on trying to move forward, to ignore the small yet heavy feeling in his chest, followed by the lump in his throat when he closes his eyes and sees Sunghoon’s look of pity, he tries to ignore it, but it grew until Jaeyun could no longer ignore it, the hurt was an understatement, He couldn't explain it, but it was painful, so much that the tears weren't enough to release the pain, he clutched his chest and fell down on his knees and beg. Jaeyun knew that he was begging, begging for God, or whoever is out there to let him and Sunghoon be together. But that would be unfair, he couldn't force Sunghoon to love him back.
Tonight wasn’t small, he doesn’t even know how he reached their dorm but he can hear Jongseong scolding him, his eyes are blurry and he doesn’t listen to Jongseong who gave him soup to help him sober up.
“Do you want me to call Sunghoon?” Jay asks, disappointed at his roommate and friend right now. “Maybe he’ll know how to handle you.”
Jaeyun shakes his head and crawls towards Jongseong, smashing a bowl in the process. “N-no, not Sunghoon, I’m sorry.” Jaeyun begging was definitely not what Jay expected, not him pleading with tears in his eyes, on his knees looking dejected and completely ruined.
“What happened? Is it because of Sunoo?” Jaeyun nods.
“Confessed the night they got together,” Jaeyun whispers. “It hurts so much,” his voice cracked as tears started to fall down, trying his best to stop it, Jaeyun buried his head on the floor.
Soon enough a worried Heeseung, Sunghoon, Jungwon, and Riki opened the door to see a broken bowl and Jongseong trying his best to console Jaeyun on the floor. “It's just there no matter how hard I try to forget it, it hurts.” Jongseong hugged him tighter, as if he was trying to squeeze the pieces together. no one said a word when they saw Jaeyun sobbing, clinging onto Jongseong for dear life. Not even Riki, whose love language was teasing Jaeyun.
Park Sunghoon looked away. He doesn't know if it's because of Jaeyun clinging onto Jongseong or him being the reason why Jaeyun is crying.
It always starts small, healing. It started with avoiding Sunghoon, and he's grateful that his friends have been accepting, trying their best to help Jaeyun move forward, and maybe that's what he needed, a small push.
Then he saw Sunghoon, walking alone from practice, Jaeyun bit his lip, not knowing if he should face the other way, but he needed to deflate his feelings until it turns small again.
He knew he looked like a ghost, he hears it enough from Jongseong everyday, before he leaves their dorm room. But Sunghoon literally looked like he saw a ghost when they rode the elevator together.
Jaeyun cleared his throat before facing Sunghoon, this wasn't his hoonie, this was a stranger.
“I love you.” it was a whisper, and Sunghoon's heart broke at the way Jaeyun said it, his voice sounded defeated, like his love wasn't meant to be seen by anyone.
“Say it again.”
“What for?” Jaeyun asked, finally looking up at Sunghoon.
“I need to hear you say it.”
Jaeyun shakes his head, “Nothing would change, Sunghoon.”
Jaeyun convinces himself that whatever he felt for Sunghoon was not love. It was far too painful, far too heart-wrenching, love wasn't supposed to feel like this, love wasn't supposed to hurt this much. This was far too big to be just love.
He's thankful that Sunghoon respected him enough to distance himself, to give him space, to let him heal. But he's sad that all those years of friendship are gone in just a snap. Like they were erased in each other's life like they weren't meant to find each other like the love didn't grow as they age. It was cruel, but it made his feelings smaller; small enough to call it a lump that he can swallow whenever he sees Sunghoon and Sunoo together.
A year after graduation, Jaeyun finally said yes to meeting Sunghoon. Sunghoon always made sure to greet him, on Christmas, on new years, on his birthday. He invited Sunghoon into a coffee shop near the ice skating rink, surprised that he stopped skating at all. “I fell out of love,” Sunghoon muttered, looking intently into Jaeyun's eyes but Jaeyun didn't pry, he didn't want to know if that was somehow related to him or whatever they were.
“I miss you.” Jaeyun looks at his eyes, his feelings, starting to grow again, it's getting hard to swallow. “Maybe in another lifetime?” Sunghoon says, watching Jaeyun close his eyes and shake his head. “Maybe in another lifetime we can be together.”
“You can’t do this to me, Sunghoon.” Jaeyun saw how Sunghoon winced when he heard his name. “I can’t wait for another lifetime for you to be mine.” or more like, Jaeyun cannot spend this lifetime watching Park Sunghoon love another.
Sunghoon nods. “I love you.” Jaeyun looks away, which the latter took as a sign that their conversation is over. “Always be safe, Yunie.” he offers a small sad smile before walking out of the cafe.
Jaeyun had to look away, he had to or else he’d break down in front of Park Sunghoon. “I am yours, in this lifetime and in every other, I will continue to be yours until I can finally find the one where you are mine.” he knows that his feelings for Sunghoon will never be small enough to completely disregard, it will always be there, whether a lump in his throat, or a sudden jolt of heaviness in his chest, his feelings for Park Sunghoon will always be there, buried deep inside and he hopes it stays there, he cannot have it growing.
With a shaky breath, he wipes his own tears and takes out his phone, a finger hovers over Jongseong’s name.
“Hey, you called?”
“Is your offer to Seattle still up?”
He hears Jongseong sigh. “It’s always a yes when it comes to you, Jaeyun.”
Jaeyun hated this friend to lovers cliche, not because he found it cringy or overused, he hated it because he didn't get the chance. He didn't get the chance to love Park Sunghoon the way that he wanted, he didn't get to love Park Sunghoon as his own. It was a story of unrequited love, And if Sunghoon ever felt something for Jake, no one would ever know.