Work Text:
"Cas?" Dean said while taking a seat on his bed. Dean and his family had moved into the house beside us ten years ago when we were both seven years old. We quickly became best friends and developed a habit of studying at Dean's house every day after school.
"Yeah?" I answered while keeping my gaze in the thin air and thinking about what would happen if I ever had the courage to tell Dean how hopelessly in love with him I am.
"You're starring again." He informed me, followed by a short laugh. Since Lisa became Dean's girlfriend about four months ago, thoughts of finally telling him have occurred more frequently. Just the idea of him being with someone else the way I want to be with him is killing me.
"Sorry. I wasn't looking at you. I was just lost in my thoughts."
"You know. You've been doing that a lot lately. What's going on with you?" He asked, and I was blank. I may not be good with the whole talking and social interactions stuff, but I knew that telling him, ‘Just that I've been in love with you for eight years.’ was entirely off the table.
"Uh, nothing. Just family stuff, I guess." I lied, although that did remind me I still needed to figure out how to come out to my family. The only people who know right now are Dean and our mutual friend Charlie. It's nice to have someone other than Dean who's easy to talk to. She's also the only one who knows about my feelings for Dean, but that's only because she confronted me about it.
"Are you thinking about coming out to them? You know. I could help you if you want." He offered, and that only seemed to make it worse. I always imagined coming out to them with Dean by my side, but not with Dean as a friend.
"Thanks, but I don't think that would make anything better."
"Why not?"
"Dean, there's two ways this can go. One, they kick me out and never speak to me again. Or two, they'll accept me and start asking questions if I'm dating anyone or worse, assume we are a couple or something." I explained and immediately regretted the last part.
"Wait, hold up. What's wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough for the gays?" He asked, seeming offended for some reason. I know he doesn't mean anything by it. He has always asked questions like that, so it's not out of character for him.
"You know what I mean, you assbut." I said and threw my pencil in his direction, but I wasn't even close to hitting him.
"Waow. Promise me you'll never try out for the basketball team." He said before breaking into laughter while following the pencil with his eyes until it landed on the floor somewhere beside the bed.
"Shut up." I responded, only making him laugh more into his own amusement. I heard my phone vibrate on the table beside me, and it was a text from my mom.
[Mom]: Hey honey. Are you coming home for dinner? It’ll be ready in ten minutes.
"I gotta get home, bye." I tell him as I do every day. We see each other every day, so it didn't take long before we scratched the, See you tomorrow, or, See you in school. We knew we were gonna see each other the next day.
Even before we go to bed, we've developed a habit of saying good night to each other across the border of our houses. That only became a thing because our rooms are pointed towards each other with a big window, making it difficult not to look over on the other side sometimes.
"Bye, Cas." Dean said before I left, showing myself out as usual.
***
Later that day, when I went to bed, I looked over at Dean's room, but he was on his phone, so I started getting ready for bed. The frustrated pacing didn't make it easy to keep my eyes away, and I caught myself glancing more than I should, but when Dean saw me, I took a piece of paper and a black marker.
You okay?
I wrote on the paper and showed it to him through the window. I saw a quick smile before he took a piece of paper and began writing an answer down.
Tired of drama.
It read, and he hung up the phone that followed with a tired sigh and a hand to his forehead, looking down to the ground for only a moment.
Sorry. :(
I wrote back. He only responded with a quick shake on his shoulders. I took a new piece of paper and wrote down the words, I love you , but when I looked back up to show him, the curtains were already covering the windows, and I was left with the words to myself.
***
In the morning, I felt happier than I should be. I could only assume Dean was talking with Lisa last night, and it didn't look like a lovey-dovey conversation. According to Dean, it was a lot of drama. I know I shouldn't be happy that Dean is having trouble in his relationship, but I can't help it. I have nothing against Lisa, well, maybe a little, but that's only because I suspect she doesn't like me very much. It's not like I've done anything to her. Still, she's always sending me these judging looks whenever Dean isn't looking.
After breakfast, I saw Dean waiting on the street outside my house so we could walk together to school as we always do.
"Cas! Took you long enough. Did you sleep in or something? We are almost late already." He asked when I finally got out the door.
"Yeah, a little. But you didn't have to wait for me. You could've just left without me." I told him, even though I knew he would rather be late for school than walk alone.
"What! No way. You know I wouldn't make it all the way to school if you weren't with me." He replied with a subtle tone of humor to it, but I knew it was because he didn't wanna go alone, so I just responded with a smile and a short laugh, deciding to change the subject.
"So, who was on the phone last night?" I pried.
"Lisa. She said something, and I didn't even know where she got it from, and then when I told her she was being ridiculous, she didn't believe me." He carefully avoided telling me what the argument was about. I could tell it was something personal that made Dean uncomfortable, so I didn't ask more about it.
"I'm sorry." I told him with a reassuring smile, which Dean instantly returned. We only talked about school the rest of the way, like his upcoming football game that the school band was gonna play at, which I was in, so I was forced to be there and watch Dean be all hot and sweaty.
***
I didn't see Dean before the game because I had to practice with the band in the hours between school and the game. So there I was, standing in my usual spot, playing my trumpet, and my thoughts wandered to where I couldn't help but compare Lisa with myself. We are nothing alike, and that's how I know I can never be with Dean. I mean, she's a girl, and I'm not. She wears short skirts and high heels, and I wear T-shirts and sneakers. She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers.
I know this is just wishful thinking, but she doesn't know Dean's story like I do, and she doesn't know his humor like I do. I can't help but think how great we'll be together, and I keep dreaming about the day when he wakes up and finds that what he's looking for has been here the whole time. If only he could see that I'm the one who understands him, and I've been here all along, so why can't he see he belongs with me?
Lisa was cheering and being supportive through most of the game. Then, about five minutes before the game ended, Lisa began flirting with this other guy in front of everyone. What was she doing? Dean could clearly see them, and that seemed to be what she wanted. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I had a pretty good view of what was going on.
The minute the game ended, Dean walked over to Lisa and this other guy, and I could only assume he was asking the same question everyone was thinking. What the hell is going on? Then Lisa said something that seemed to make Dean speechless, but the only thing I could make out was, ‘ We're done!’ coming from Dean before he stormed away.
The minute I could get away, I tried to find Dean, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I guess he must've walked home without me, so I began walking home alone, thinking about Dean every step of the way. I want to tell him I love him so desperately, but the timing couldn't be worse right now.
All the times I wanted to tell him. Man, it's so ridiculous. I remember every time I was close, like when we were twelve and played in the park, and we took a break on the park bench. We quickly fell into a comfortable conversation and laughed at everything, and I remember thinking to myself, ‘Hey, isn’t this easy?’
Or when we were fifteen and Dean was coming over to my house in the middle of the night because his father had slapped him so hard in the face he had a red handprint on his cheek for almost a week. I held him for hours until he fell asleep.
Or whenever we would take a break from studying to talk about our favorite songs and dreams in life.
When I was about halfway home, I spotted Dean sitting on a park bench on the other side of the street. His head was pointing towards the ground while he rested his elbows on his knees and his fingers were messing up his blond hair.
I walked over and sat beside him without saying anything. I didn’t need to. I knew he was aware of my presence.
"Did you see what happened?" he asked after a short moment of silence.
"Yeah. I'm sorry. How are you holding up?" I replied, and he took some time to figure out the right words, but his usual response was all he ended up with.
"I'm fine."
"Come on, Dean. I know you better than that." I admitted, and knotted at his side with my elbow which made him unfold his posture but he only glanced a short moment at me before quickly tore his eyes away again.
"Cas, please don't do this. Not right now." He told me exhaustingly, which worried me. Dean didn't seem hurt over his breakup, just betrayed.
"Dean, what is this really about?" I pried, and another wave of silence occurred. Yet somehow, Dean seemed ready to open up.
"Yesterday. When Lisa called…" He began but he seemed to be getting more nervous. Watching him like this rarely happened, and I knew this was hard for him, so I always tried to be as understandable as possible and just listen.
"She, uh… I don't know where she got the idea from, but uhh…" He elaborated and rubbed his neck nervously with his left hand while trying to find the right words.
"She somehow thought that I have feelings for, uhm... for someone else." He explained, shortly looking at me again before quickly tearing his eyes away.
"Then earlier today, when she was flirting with that guy. All she said was, ‘Now you know how it feels.’ " He finished and buried his head in his hands the same way as when I found him.
"I'm sorry, Dean. When were you ever shown signs of having feelings for someone else? Her argument seems very thin." I told him and I meant every word. Dean is flirty with a lot of people but that’s just part of his personality. I know he doesn’t actually mean anything with it.
I don't know what I did this time, but he let out a short laugh before looking back up at me. "What?" I asked, knowing I clearly missed something here.
"Nothing, it’s just- I guess it all makes sense now." He replied while having some kind of revelation.
"What makes sense?" I pried but I was starting to get a little frustrated over his cryptic behavior.
"Why you never responded with anything whenever I was flirting with you." He revealed while swallowing the air that was stuck in his throat immediately after.
"What you never- but you’re not- what!?" I managed to get out, still trying to process what I had just heard.
"Are you kidding me, Cas? I have flirted with you ever since I knew what feelings were. It’s become a subconscious thing for me. You never gave any signs of reciprocation, so I figured you weren’t interested. Eventually, I finally gave up and started dating Lisa." He blurred out, rising from the bench and started walking away when he realized he'd said too much. “Shit!”
"Dean, you can’t just leave. Don't you think I have anything to say about this?" I yelled at him and that made him stop. He slowly turned around and walked a couple of steps closer to me.
"Cas, I can't handle any more rejection today. So yeah. I’m gonna leave." He said, seeming angry, but only at himself. I don’t think he’d ever planned on telling me this.
I could see he thought he had screwed up our friendship. How could he think I didn’t love him? "Who said I was gonna reject you?" I admitted and the famous silence that seemed to occur substantially had returned.
"Cas, if you are joking about this. I'm never speaking to you again." Dean said firmly, clearly not wanting to get his hopes up for something, and I can't even put into words how much I understand that. How could I not have noticed this sooner? I just thought I was making everything up in my head, but apparently, I wasn't.
"I'm not, Dean. I promise you I'm not. I'm just stupid." I said, and another lump of air was stolen from the atmosphere to make it through Dean's throat.
"No, you're not, Cas. I could've just said something. I just- I didn't wanna ruin our friendship." He admitted, taking a few steps closer, intriguing my personal space.
"So could I." I confessed and my heart sent multiple shivers through my whole body as I spoke the words.
"What?" He said, still not believing me so I had to show him. I took the piece of paper folded up in the back pocket of my jeans. I took his hand, and planted the paper in the palm of his hands. He looked down at the paper, then back at me and caught my eyes with his own questionable ones.
"Open it." I told him, and as he did so, I felt myself getting increasingly nervous. When he opened the last fold, revealing the words I wrote to him yesterday, he froze. Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea, but I've wanted to tell him for so long, so I regretted nothing.
"When did you write this?" He asked, not revealing much of his emotions.
"I wanted to show you last night, but you'd already covered your windows, so I folded it up and kept it to myself, deciding not to tear it up like all the others." I confessed and I realized too late I had said too much.
"The others? Cas, how long have you?-'' he asked and trailed off in the end when he got speechless. I felt my heart speeding up and I was afraid it would explode and I could feel it pumping all the blood to my cheeks.
"Eight years." I admitted faintly and swallowed hard. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were glued to Dean's like superglue, and I couldn't get away. But to be fair, I didn’t want to.
"Cas-" He let out and paused for a second and his eyes were just as glued to mine as I was to his. He took a step closer, leaving only inches between us. I felt his fingers intertwining in mine as the other hand found its way to my cheek along with a couple of soft strokes with his thumb. "I love you too, you idiot." He slid his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me closer and suddenly there was no gap between us. Our lips collided in a lingering kiss and I found my free hand moving its way around his wrist to pull him closer as I leaned into the kiss myself and reciprocated with every cell of my body.
We broke apart only for a short moment to get some air, but our lips were like magnets and they were quickly attracted to each other again with no force to stop it.
Dean let go of our intertwined hands and buried the now lonely hand in my hair to deepen the kiss even further as I did the same with my abandoned hand.
I licked the bottom of Dean's lip to get access and he quickly let me in to explore more of his mouth.
Sooner than later, we were forced to break apart before we fainted from lack of oxygen, but neither of us wanted to stop. I began placing soft kisses along his jawline instead and continued down his neck until I found his pulsepoint and sucked a mark that would turn blue tomorrow.
"Mmh, Cas." He moaned over my shoulder, trying to kiss my neck, but he seemed too pleased for his brain to function properly.
"Cas, we are- mmh. We are in the middle of the st- street." He stuttered, sliding his hand down to grab my ass.
"Yeah? Would you rather we moved this to your bedroom?" I whispered in his ear, and his body immediately tensed as he broke away and gripped my hand to pull me with him as he started heading home.
"I'll take that as a yes." I stated with a faint chuckle as I followed him and quickly caught up to walk beside him, with our fingers entwined and neither of us letting go of each other until we reached Dean's bedroom.