Chapter Text
Often times now she found herself thinking about what she could have done differently, what her heart says she should have done differently that day at the foot of the mountain. Yes, not a day went by where the look on Clarke’s face didn’t haunt her, where the simple thought of Clarke didn’t sit uneasily in her stomach, where her heart did not shatter over and over again every time she did as much as breathe. She hid it well, of course. The same way she had hidden it well the day she had walked away from the fight, her people, all of her people, at her side while Clarke’s people lay waste in the mountain. Where she left Clarke to lay waste to the mountain, Lexa’s heart in the palm of her hand and Lexa knew that had she if she might have been heartless before, now it had to be true, for the gap in her chest only grew each passing day she was without Clarke at her side.
There had been news following the week of her betrayal. The mountain had fallen. The mountain had fallen because of Clarke. She had infiltrated it, and her, Bellamy and the rest of the hundred had ripped it apart from the inside. There had been whispers of course, from the neighboring tribes, from her warriors, from her people. The sky-girl had been a hurricane of fury, and she had won the war on her own, more blood on her hand than Lexa thought she’d ever get. Some rumors went as far as to say the sky-girl had left no survivor, something Lexa knew in her heart could not be true, because Clarke had a heart, Clarke cared.
At least… she hoped so.
It was six months later that she saw any of the sky people again. She had been in her tent, looking over the pages of a book Clarke had left behind one night. Of course, Lexa had no understanding of the symbols written on the paper but it brought her comfort to know that in her hand she held a piece of Clarke’s thoughts. But all thoughts of Clarke faded with the sound of a blaring horn, signaling intruders in the field.
Indra stormed in then, one word barely leaving her mouth before Lexa was up on her feet and out of the tent, the book dropped on the floor.
“Skaikru.”
She was quick to mount her horse, Indra at her side within seconds and many of her warriors following suit. One thought crossed her mind over and over again as she rode towards the group of people in the field. . Clarke… Clarke has come home.
The sky-people were unarmed, hands up in surrender as the grounders surrounded them. Lexa tried to be subtle as her eyes scanned the crowd for the blonde-haired girl who would fill the gap in her chest. She saw Octavia holding Bellamy up against her, the boy burnt beyond recognition and she felt Indra tense beside her. A few young faces she didn’t recognize, and a few she did. Her eyes passed over Abby and Kane, obviously leading the group and she looked again.
She was not there.
Lexa’s eyes met Abby’s and the older woman nodded slightly. Lexa’s world crumbled. She barked out orders; bring the sky-people back into camp and tend to their injuries. With that said, she turned around and galloped back to camp, back to safety, back to where thoughts of Clarke would consume her until she could breathe once more.
The dust had barely settled from the trip there, and Lexa used that as an excuse for the undeniable burning of tears in her eyes. She would not let herself be weak, not now, not yet.
Lexa had spent the next few days avoiding her duties, avoiding the Skaikru because she did not want them there. What good could come of this? They hated her, despised her beyond measure. And for her, nothing was worse than the absence of Clarke. It taunted her, softly from a distance, the uncertainty that Clarke was alive at all and every day that passed beat heavily in her mind that Clarke had not survived the mountain.
It was a notion she would believe until she finally spoke to the sky people again. They had needed to meet of course; people were growing unwary of the Skaikru. After all, wasn’t the alliance gone? Who was to say they wouldn’t massacre the entire village when given the chance? That’s how she had found herself with her generals and the Chancellor in the middle of a discussion. Still there was no improvement, as the conversation drew on, there was nothing that Abby offered that would let Lexa allow them to stay. The end was drawing near when Abby finally shattered Lexa’s reality.
“She told us to come here, you know?” It was barely above a whisper but the words rang so loudly in Lexa’s head.
“Clarke’s alive?” Lexa bit down on her tongue, cursing the woman for making her break composure in front of her generals. Abby’s hand shook, Lexa noticed, as she spoke again, ignoring the question all together.
“She said you’d be here, and… and that you’d give this alliance a second try.” Give us a second try, Lexa thought. There was a thick knot in her throat and she swallowed before turning to her generals.
“Get out,” she commanded in her native tongue, her voice stronger than she felt. Indra gave her an apprehensive nod before leaving, the rest of the generals following suit.
“Where is she?” she snapped. Abby remained unmoving but Lexa could see a wild anger swirling in her eyes, the same kind of anger she felt now.
“She’s not with us.” It was short, to the point, but it spoke volumes and Lexa couldn’t help but feel herself drowning in confusion.
“What do you mean?” Abby looked up then; the venom in Lexa’s voice hadn’t gone unnoticed.
“I thought you of all people would understand,” Abby said, her voice so voided and cold of emotions it reminded her of Clarke when she said she wanted the mountain men dead. How true of a statement that had become.
Lexa narrowed her eyes and let out a deep breath.
“You may have our alliance, Chancellor. I do intend to rectify my actions.” She pulled the knife out of the table and sheathed it. “If this is what Clarke wanted then she shall have it.” The girl watched as the older woman gaped back and her and she tensed again, frowning. Perhaps this one time she could indulge in a little bit of honesty.
“I am not sure what you may think of me Abby Griffin, but please let it not be that my feelings for Clarke are not true, and that I do not care about her. What happened on the mountain… I cannot change, and I’m not sure I would if given the chance. My people come first, and I’m sure Clarke knew this as well. But if this is what Clarke wanted, I can allow my heart to lead for once.”
And with that she turned around and walked out of her tent, leaving a very confused yet grateful Abby behind.
Months passed by, but the absence of Clarke did not fade from Lexa. Yes, not a second went by where Lexa did not hope that the space within her heart would no longer be as empty as the space between her arms, for it was the space within which Clarke belonged. Still, she focused on her duties as a leader for the threats of war grew with every passing months: the Ice Nation was becoming restless in the north and she was running out of ideas to keep them a bay. No matter how many ideas she had had, it was not enough and one day she found herself in a conundrum.
The morning dew had not yet dried but the entire camp was in a fury; the Ice Nation was at the gate, and Lexa had no choice but to let them in. Her feet felt wet as she walked through camp, Indra and Ryder flanking her on both side. Surely, she thought, she was walking to her death.
“Are you here to declare war?” Lexa quipped as she walked into the tent, noting that the Ice Queen had an unusual companion at her side; a rider, shielded by a black hood. “Your presence is trifling, usually you would just send me somebody’s head.”
“We are not here for war, Heda,” the woman spoke, a smirk tugging at her lips on the last word. Her head shot up at that, whatever the woman wanted, she feared. The Ice Queen, Moira, turned her head towards the side. The rider in black shifted and Lexa's hand gripped the hilt of her sword tightly, any move to attack and she would strike back.
“Oh? Then speak, what is the cause of your visit?” The air was tense, thick, everything that made it hard for Lexa to breathe.
“I am here to announce my union, a ceremony I’m sure you’ll take pleasure in attending as it would mean peace between our people.” Lexa let out a breath she’d been holding, something so trivial had brought her so much discomfort and she almost laughed.
“And to whom is this union?”
A wicked grin flashed across Moira’s face as she signaled the black rider forward. In one swift move the rider removed their hood, blonde hair and blue eyes revealing themselves to the entire room. It was instinctual; Lexa took a step forward, a broken gasp of the girl’s name leaving her lips.
“Clarke…”
She heard Abby do the same but she figured it had more to do with the other girl’s appearance than anything else. Clarke’s face was covered in bruises and thin white scars ran down the length of her neck. The girl’s blond hair was chopped messily to her shoulder, streaks of mud tainting it. Her face remained stoic, her lips pressed together tightly and eyes burning wild with rage as she averted her eyes away from Lexa’s stare. But Lexa couldn’t look away, she couldn’t fathom how the girl she’d believe to be dead was now standing in front of her looking so broken yet so put together. Her heart hammered in her chest; she could still feel the taste of Clarke on her lips.
Not you.
Not yet.
“Clarke of the sky has agreed to a union ceremony, I’m sure you understand why,” Lexa averted her eyes, just briefly, to look at the Ice Queen. “The Mountain has crumbled, Sky and Ice are to be forged as one.”
“What are you playing at?”
“Oh Lexa…” Moira began, walking towards her. The commander pulled her sword out slightly, as did Indra and Ryder and the ice queen smirked, stepping closer still so that only Lexa could hear while she spoke. “How painful must it be to watch the girl you love be joined to another, dare I say? I can’t imagine the betrayal you must feel.”
The Ice Queen stepped back and turned around, addressing the room this time.
“Then again… you seem to know a lot about betrayal.”
The air around them seemed to drop and Lexa was sure she was suffocating. Clarke had told her.
In the corner of her eyes, she saw the girl step forward, her face hard but eyes filled with regret. Lexa swallowed.
There were murmurs and it took everything in her for Lexa not to step forward and strike down the Ice Queen where she stood. Instead she watched as the girl who had destroyed her heart before, destroyed it again by making her way to Clarke and grabbing her by the chin to pull her into a forceful kiss. She heard Clarke hiss and Lexa stumbled forward, unable to do anything else as the woman she hated more than anything hurt Clarke, hurt her heart. Lexa had seen blood before, but the sight of it coming from the blonde’s lips made her nauseous. Attack her and you attack me.
With that, it didn’t taken Lexa much intelligence to figure out who had caused the bruises on Clarkes face. Oh God… she’s tortured her.
“Is this what you want, Clarke?” she wavered, her composure disintegrating with every second that ticked on. The blonde nodded tightly but her eyes said anything but. Her eyes screamed the same screamed she’d seen a million times before… with Finn, with herself. They screamed for release, an alternative, something that would smother away the last remnants of yesterday. They screamed that Clarke, Clarke did not want this.
“The Skaikru marches with us now, our alliance is being rebuilt, how does this play into this?”
“Yes... the alliance, the one that, if I recall correctly, you shattered.”
Silence. The girl pursed her lips tightly. She didn’t need to speak, Moira continued.
“Not that it matters. Is this not what you want? My alliance to Clarke, along with your alliance to the Skaikru, would mean that we are no longer at war.”
Abby stepped forward then, Clarke’s face mirrored the exact action of glass shattering, and God, Lexa wish she had done that sooner.
“Clarke does not lead us anymore, she has no part to play in political affiliations”
“Your daughter is the reason you stand before me. How dare you say she does not lead you?”
“I never wanted this, I never wanted any of this.” It rung in Lexa’s head over and over again, every heartbeat drew blood and doubt. Yes, Clarke never wanted this, but neither had Lexa. Like Clarke, she was burdened with the duty to protect and lead her people.
“Do we have your support, Lexa kom Trikru?”
She looked at Clarke, wanted to fight for her and die for her and let her know that a life with her (no matter how short of a life it would be) was a life she would make sure was much better spent then the one she had just chosen for herself. But she could not, as hard as it was… she simply could not afford to go to war against the Ice Nation.
“You do,” she said finally, a few gasps resounding through the tent. Moira’s eyes lit up and she smiled victoriously, this would crush her and she knew it.
“Great,” she walked back to Clarke and gently brushed her hand under the other girl’s chin. Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyes shut close and a shaky breath left her lips. Moira leaned in and whispered something in Clarke’s ear that made her eyes go wide before meeting Lexa’s sadly. Lexa knew what she had said of course, and wish that she could contest it. But that was dangerous water to thread and Lexa did not want to risk Clarke drowning.
Lexa knew what she had said because it had been the same thing Moira had told Costia before cutting off her head. “You were foolish to think you meant anything to her, she doesn’t love you and she never has.” But Lexa did love her, the same way she had loved Costia in that icy castle, only seconds before she’d watch the ice queen struck down and kill her. It had been what Lexa had to do to be granted peace, knew that her entire nation would fall to the hand of the Ice Nation if war was waged between them and now… well now history was repeating itself.
“We leave tomorrow,” Moira began, shaking Lexa out of her trance, “we are to pay visits to the remaining ten tribes, let them know of our engagement. The ceremony will happen here in two months time,” she stated before smirking again, “I trust that it’s no problem.”
Lexa nodded solemnly. As quickly as Clarke had been here, she would be gone again. She would come back of course, but by then it would be to late and Lexa would have to watch as Clarke promised herself to another.
“I would like to speak with Clarke alone.” It was out of her mouth before she could even process it but hell, if Lexa had any chance of fixing this it will not be surrounded by all these people. Clarke and Moira exchanged a quiet conversation with their eyes and the Ice Queen ended up nodding before exiting the room, her guards following behind her. Lexa nodded towards her guards and the generals, as well as Abby, and they were quick to exit as well, leaving behind her and Clarke in a crumbling castle of shattered promises and empty broken possibilities of a tomorrow. Nothing was more detrimental than loving in a time of war.
“I thought you dead, Clarke,” was the first thing she said.
“I wished you dead,” Clarke answered back coldly, the easiness in that sentence struck Lexa hard in the gut. Clarke speaking made her heart flutter, God how she had missed it. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she spoke again.
“Me too.” That’s when Clarke actually looked at her. She looked at her as though she had promised the stars but robbed her of the sun.
“Why are you doing this, Clarke? Is it to spite me? I did not lie when I gave you my heart all those months ago. If you were looking to shatter it, you have done so. Are you satisfied? You don’t need to do this.” The other girl let out a shaky sigh and Lexa wish she could catch it with her mouth.
“You don’t get it do you, Lexa,” Clarke muttered, tired from the day’s activities. Her voice sounded so far away that Lexa wondered if the other girl was really here at all. “This has nothing to do with u… with us… They are stronger than you think,” Clarke closed her eyes and cringed, “She is stronger than you think.”
“Clarke… what are you talking about?”
“She would have killed everyone just like I… I … It doesn’t matter, I cannot… I will not have anymore blood on my hands.” She got quiet then, and Lexa reached over to gently grab her arm, not failing to notice the wince that illuminated Clarke’s face.
“You are not alone in this, Clarke, the blood on your hands I share with you. There are other choices, please do not let this be the one you make.”
“Choice? You think this is a choice? You don’t think that if there was ANY other possibility, I wouldn’t have taken it?” Clarke ripped her arm out of Lexa’s hold, her words bitter and final, “I did what I had to be done to keep my people safe, there was no choice.”
“Clarke…” Lexa wavered, clearing her throat immediately. “Please… stay, there are people that care about you here.” I care about you.
“Love is weakness,” Clarke spat out, her breathing harsh, “you taught me that remember.” Lexa watched as Clarke stumbled back, a frown immediately taking over her features. “You t…” Clarke brought a hand up to her head, her eyes blinking rapidly and her other hand flailed around beside her, trying desperately to grab on to something as she lost her balance.
If she thought about it later on, Lexa found it strange how quick Clarke had been to fall, her whole body seemed so heavy and yet she’d been so light when Lexa had caught her in her arms. And Lexa thought of the Pauna, and how Clarke had held her in her arms, pulled her to safety and held her there that night in the forest. Yes, she thought of Clarke sleeping by the fire, though nothing made her burn quite the way having Clarke in her arms did. But Clarke was burning up herself, her arms weak in her protest to push Lexa away. Lexa felt herself vibrating, her voice loud with her calls for help as she lifted the girl into her arms and out of the tent. She saw Abby running towards them but felt it might be too late as Clarke struggled to keep her eyes opened.
“I’m not sure… please,” she begged quietly enough for only the two women to hear, “save her.”
“No, let me go,” she said. Let me die, Lexa heard and her heart (what was left of it) ached again as she watch the other girl weakly succumb to sleep in her arms.
I have just found you again, Clarke, do not leave me yet.