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It was late and Dave was snoring gently, but Klaus was far too awake. Not even the residual soreness from Dave’s attempts to screw him to sleep was enough to grant him any sort of rest. His mind was racing and he couldn’t find the brakes.
He’d taken to pacing through the apartment in an attempt to turn some of that mental energy into physical. It was easier if he was moving, but he didn’t dare go out. He knew where his feet would take him if he left the building. ‘Don’t get drunk’ should have been a manageable task. Why was it so hard? Why did he want to self-destruct, to rip his new life apart at the seams? Even with his family and the love of his life supporting him, he couldn’t just stop .
He’d been restless all day, but it was only getting worse. His head felt like those displays of TVs in stores, except each screen was playing a different channel. And while he was used to mental noise, the volume seemed to be set to max with no way to turn it down.
At least the ghosts hadn’t come back. His shot were expensive and they fucked his immune system, but they worked. They made sure the only voice in his head was his own. But unfortunately for Klaus, his own voice was plenty capable of fucking with him.
He always struggled with anniversaries, and this one was no different. If anything, it was worse. No one had thought he’d last two years, especially not him. Even now, he wasn’t sure he would make it that final day. His heart was racing as if he was back in hospital, back strapped down and scared as he detoxed. He rubbed his wrist absently as if they still hurt - and not in a fun way.
He doubted the fun way would have made much of a difference. His earlier activities with Dave hadn’t helped as much as it usually did. Even the weed wasn’t helping enough, which was frankly total bullshit. And if he ate any more of his chocolate, he was pretty sure he might puke.
He stopped in the kitchen to get a drink of water. It might not have been the drink he wanted, but it was the healthier option. And he was trying so hard to be healthy. He was doing… not well, but a lot better than he had been. He was even eating properly now he was living with Dave - a sometimes reluctant but not entirely unwelcome side effect from the cooking classes Dave had persuaded him to join him in signing up for.
There was a photograph hung up on the fridge. It was a little blurry, a selfie he’d taken of the two of them not long after they’d first got together properly, back when they cuddled up to watch Star Trek on Dave’s phone instead of on their (very battered) TV that they’d rescued from a goodwill furniture store. It was nice how far they’d come together. But Klaus didn’t need either of those things to be happy here.
Right now, it felt like he needed alcohol to be happy, even if the part of his brain that sounded too much like Ben knew that wasn’t true.
His family would be disappointed. Would Dave be more disappointed? Would he leave him if he slipped? No, he couldn’t go there. That was a dangerous train of thought to take. There was no safe outcome there, no option which led to him making it to sunrise still sober.
Fuck, he wanted a drink.
“Babe?” Klaus jumped at Dave’s voice from the bedroom door, heavy and full of sleep. When he turned, he saw him leaning against the frame with a pair of pyjama pants slung low around his hips. Even in Klaus’s state of pure mess, he couldn’t help noticing that Dave was beautiful. “You okay?”
“Right as rain, honey,” Klaus said with a wide grin that he knew Dave would probably see right through.
Dave crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Klaus’s waist. “I love you, you know that?”
“You made damn sure I did.”
“Good. So I’m gonna ask again. You okay?”
“Can I plead the fifth?”
Dave moved one hand up to cup Klaus’s cheek and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Thank you,” he murmured.
“For what?”
“For being honest with me.”
“I mean, I wasn’t, but okay.”
“‘I don’t wanna talk about it’ is honest enough for me.”
Klaus signed and closed his eyes. It should have made him feel better, but it didn’t. He could only think of one thing that would make him feel better, and he didn’t want to give into that. Not when he’d been sober for over a year now. Well, California sober, but that was the best he could do.
He wasn’t exactly good, but at least he was getting by. Especially when he didn’t actually have to do much. And yet somehow, he could barely manage that.
“Babe?” Dave prompted, and Klaus blinked at him. He’d definitely said something, but Klaus didn’t know what.
“Huh?”
“Is it loud up there?” he asked, reaching up to tap Klaus’s temple with a sympathetic look.
Klaus couldn’t help chuckling. Dave had such an odd way of phrasing things sometimes. He liked a man who was a little odd. And he liked Dave’s oddness a lot. “Yeah.”
“Oh, honey… Can I make it better?”
Klaus swallowed the urge to run. He didn’t need Dave’s sympathy. He didn’t need anyone’s sympathy. But Dave loved him and he loved Dave; it was love and not pity. But it was hard not to feel all too vulnerable. “I don’t know,” Klaus admitted. He wished he did, but if he’d known how to fix it without drinking, he would have done it by now. Weed and intense pain play were usually enough to take the edge off, and he’d tried both. What was left?
“You wanna watch Star Trek with me?” Dave offered after a moment of silence.
“Aren’t you tired?”
As if on cue, Dave yawned. “Yeah, but I can make coffee if you could do with some company.”
As much as Klaus didn’t want to admit it, company would help. He couldn’t sneak out with Dave watching him. And while he knew Dave wouldn’t physically stop him, it was an added barrier between him and breaking. “Okay,” he agreed.
Dave smiled and leant in to peck him on the lips. “You go set it up and I’ll make coffee? I can make you some too, if you want.”
Caffeine seemed to just make Klaus even sleepier and even more jittery, so he shook his head. “If we have any of that lavender tea left, I’ll take that?”
“On it.”
It would have been so romantic if just one episode of Star Trek on the couch with his love was enough to fix him, but it wasn’t. Klaus was sick. He was always going to be sick. And as much as it killed him, Dave deserved better than that. However long he managed to last, he was always just one bad choice away from losing it all.
Klaus shifted so his temple rested over Dave’s heart, draping himself over his boyfriend’s body. He didn’t know how to put any of his feelings into words, but he knew Dave would hold him, even if he didn’t deserve it. And hold him he did.
Neither of them slept that night. But when the sun rose on Klaus’s seven hundred and thirtieth day of sobriety, the world seemed just a little quieter. “I want a drink,” Klaus confessed in a small voice as the first rays of sunrise hit their TV screen.
Dave kissed the top of his head. “Is it bad if I say I thought you might?”
That was something Klaus didn’t know. It made him feel… something, but his brain was too scrambled to say what. “Depends why, I guess?”
Dave seemed to be thinking about his answer, which definitely wasn’t a good sign. “You seem stressed out?”
Well, he wasn’t wrong. But Klaus decided not to answer. What could he say, after all?
“I’m proud of you, you know?” Dave murmured.
“A questionable choice, but okay.” And as much as he questioned it, at least he didn’t doubt it. Dave was, for better or for worse, proud of him. And as stupid as it was, Klaus didn’t want to let him down. But he didn’t want to let himself down either.
It was strange, wanting and not wanting at the same time. It was tiring and stressful and far too difficult for someone like him, someone who had never figured out how to be a real person. But he’d keep going, struggle through one day at a time with Dave at his side.