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You stood at a refreshments table, sipping from a flute of champagne as you observed the ball. By now the dancing was in full swing and there were several couples twirling around in the centre of the room, your friends among them.
Even though Chaol had forbidden her to, Celaena ‘Lilian’ had come to Yulemas party anyway and was dancing away happily with Dorian. You smiled a little at the joy on her face but couldn't stand to look at Dorian, to try to decipher what expression is face held. Knowing the truth would hurt too much.
You adored Celaena, you truly did, but at the same time you couldn’t help but hate her, just a little. It was hard not to, when you saw the way she had Dorian absolutely whipped since the first time they met. Well maybe not that quickly, but the longer Celaena stayed for the competition, the more time she spent with Dorian, the more you realised he liked her. And that hurt.
You couldn’t do anything except watch sadly from the sidelines. You hated being like this. Celaena was your friend . You should have been happy for her. But how could you? You’d spent years pining after your best friend and he hadn’t even realised and she managed to wrap him around her little finger in a matter of weeks.
Glumly you drained your champagne to the dregs before turning around to get more when one of the nobles attending the ball approached you. He wasn't disgustingly old like so many of the other nobles there, he seemed about your age and you were miserable and just a little bit tipsy, so you agreed when he asked you to dance.
Soon you too were among the dancing couples, twirling and giggling, the skirts of your gown gracefully flowing around you. As the music slowed to waltz, the noble who you’d been dancing with, whose name you had not yet bothered to ask pulled you closer, his hand resting on the small of your back as you both danced.
Maybe it was the wine, or maybe you simply tired of waiting in the sidelines-you weren’t sure yet- but when he leaned in to kiss you, you didn’t stop him. Instead you tilted your head upward, closing your eyes, trying to ignore that everything about the kiss felt wrong .
The kiss barely lasted more than a few seconds. Because just then there was someone clearing their throat behind you and you pulled to find yourself staring into the sapphire eyes of the Crown Prince. You scoffed inwardly as Dorian, in a ridiculously unapologetic tone, told your dance partner it was time to switch partners.
You allowed Dorian to lead you away, turning only for a moment to see Dorian’s previous partner- possibly a member of his mother’s court- start dancing with yours. When had Dorian even stopped dancing with Celaena?
The music and other couples were continuing on so you did the same, threading the fingers of one hand with his and placing the other on his shoulder. Dorian’s free hand rested on your waist but it wasn’t relaxed. There was something tense about Dorian’s entire frame, which you didn’t really understand at first but after a few minutes of staring up at his tense jaw as you both swayed absentmindedly to the music, you understood it.
And with the understanding came a rage that rushed through you and left you feeling exhausted with all this. He was jealous. The asshole had the audacity to be jealous .
You could no longer stand this ridiculous party and so you let go of Dorian’s hand and slipped out of the ballroom, ignoring the look Chaol and Celaena gave you. You were out onto the hallway, yet you continued to walk, one foot in front of the other, onward you walked until you found the stairwell which led up to your rooms.
You were about to go up it when- “Y/n!”
You turned around to see Dorian stride up to you, not looking nearly as flushed as he should have been after quite nearly chasing you through the palace. “Why did you leave?”
At this you snapped. “Why did I leave? Dorian, are you really going to ask me that question?” He blinked at the question before running his fingers through his hair in frustration, but didn’t answer.
You scoffed. “You spent the entire night dancing with various Ladies and Princesses and Duchesses. You danced and flirted with Celaena. And the whole time, I watched from the sidelines. And once I grew tired of it, when I began dancing with someone who wasn’t you, you have the audacity to get jealous ?!”
You stopped, your breathing heavy after your tirade. Dorian didn’t say anything to defend himself. You exhaled, the fight sputtering out of you.
“It isn’t fair to me, Dorian. You can’t get jealous over me, and at the same time treat me as just your best friend. It hurts. It's not fair to Celaena either. You can’t have both of us. I'm your friend, nothing more, nothing less”.
You walked up the stairs, feeling distinctly empty inside.
****
“You’ve been avoiding me”
You freeze, looking up from your spot on a couch in Celaena’s room. Dorian was leaning against the door frame, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised as he watched you. You felt your cheeks heat up involuntarily under his gaze.
“Avoiding you?” you asked, hating the slight shakiness in your voice as you closed the book you’d been reading. “I haven’t been avoiding you, I’ve just been busy”
Dorian grinned. “Doing what ?” You blinked, realising you didn’t have an answer because you had in fact been avoiding him. And you had managed to successfully avoid him for a whole week-even managing to attend Celaena’s duel with Cain, without having to interact with Dorian- up until this point.
You didn’t answer, looking away guiltily. “So you have been avoiding me” Dorian concluded. “I’m sure I deserve it, but why ? Was it because of what happened at Yulemas?”
You gulped. Normally you’d be pleased to have Dorian’s full attention, but right now, at this moment, having this conversation, you wished he wouldn’t look at you like that .
“Nothing happened at Yulemas, we had a minor disagreement” A ‘disagreement’ was a mild way to put you completely lashing out at him.
“Really, Y/n?”
“What do you want me to say? I was slightly drunk. I said things I didn’t mean to”
“ Didn’t mean to say or didn’t mean for me to hear?”
You fall silent at that, sighing in defeat. “I just- I don’t want to talk about it” you say, not meeting his gaze. “Why won’t you?” he presses and you finally exhale, squaring your shoulders and standing up.
“I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to remember how I felt that night, how I constantly feel , watching you flirt with other girls. How much it hurts. How it feels when you flirt with me , as a joke, but I don’t find it funny” You stand in front of Dorian, mimicking his stance and crossing your arms.
“I don’t want to talk about how I hate it when you flirt with Celaena, because you like her and she likes you too, and it makes me hate her a little bit and I don’t want to do that because she’s my friend. I don’t want to talk about how sometimes I feel like I might hate you a little bit too because I’ve always been here and yet you’ve never noticed me”.
Your voice has become softer as you speak, so the last few words come out as barely a whisper. As you realise how close to him you’re standing, your mouth suddenly feels very dry.
Just as you realised you were speaking to the Crown Prince, Dorian tipped his head down a little, so your faces were even closer than before. Your heart was racing in your chest and you were very grateful for the fact that he couldn’t hear it.
“I don’t like Celaena” was the only thing he said. You blinked in confusion. “What?” you asked, hating how hoarse your voice sounded. “I do like Celaena, but…not like that” “It didn’t seem that way at the ball” Dorian only hummed in response.
“Well maybe I do like her a little bit,” he conceded.
“And?” you asked. “And?” “And? She clearly likes you, so why are you here? Have you come to see her?” you question realising these were Celaena’s chambers. Not yours. Dorian had run into you because he’d been coming to see Celaena .
You hadn’t been expecting to feel so utterly horrified by this truth, but you did. You stepped away from Dorian. “I- I should go, it’s late” you began to stammer awkwardly.
At this Dorian too blinked, shaking his head and straightening up. He too seemed to register just whose rooms there were. “Y/n, it’s not like that…”
“It's not? Dorian it’s late. I should be leaving anyway” You made to gather things when Dorian spoke again, sounding breathless. “We ended it” You gaped at him. “What?” Dorian hid his hands in his pockets, looking at you, an emotion you couldn’t quite recognise on his face.
“Celaena and I. We ended it. Not that we were anything in the first place” He gave a small chuckle. “We’re just friends” You could hear the sincerity in his voice and gave him a small smile.
“If you two ended it…why are you here, in her chambers so late?” At this Dorian’s cheeks flushed and he looked away, not meeting your eyes. “Dorian?” you prompted, resisting the urge to tease him.
“My mother kept me occupied all day-I was unable to get away” A nonanswer, but you waited, letting him continue. When he looked at you, you smiled encouragingly. “Like I said…you’d been avoiding me and I was hoping I’d be able to run into you here”
“Why did you think I’d be here and not my chambers?” you questioned, although you knew he’d probably already checked there. Dorian sent you a look. “I did . Everyday last week. You weren’t there. Then i realised you’re probably hiding in here”
You shrugged unrepentantly. Dorian mock scowled at you. You scoffed at how easy it was for you both to settle into your usual routines as if nothing changed. Dorian seemed to notice that too.
“You told me that I never notice you, but I do . I always notice you. And that scares me. Because I love this thing that we have and I don’t want to ruin it by courting you.”
“Because you’re afraid you won’t be able to commit?”
Dorian didn’t answer and for a few seconds you both just stared at each other in awkward silence.
Unable to stand it, you picked up your things and made to move past Dorian who walked in step with you as you made your way to your rooms. “You didn’t have to walk me back” you chide, as Dorian shrugged. “We’re not done talking”
You sigh as you reach your room and go inside, knowing Dorian is right at your heels. You’d just finished placing your books on a bedside table when Dorian grabbed your wrist and pulled you flush against him.
You gave a small gasp of surprise as you tilted your head back to be able to look at him. “Dorian” you say, but it's more of a whisper as your breath stutters when you feel Dorian place his hand on your waist to pull you even closer. “I want to kiss you” he says, and it sounds like a confession.
“You can't,” you said, without really meaning it. Dorian’s eyes were looking down, staring at your mouth. You could see his throat bob.
“If you don’t want me to kiss you, I won’t”. But neither of you pulled away. Your thoughts were in complete disarray. Part of you wanted nothing more than to pull him closer but the other part wanted to recoil, to run and hide under the covers of your bed.
Your heart was thumping wildly in your chest and you were sure Dorian could, if not hear, feel it, given your proximity. You could acutely feel all the points where you two were touching. For a moment you let yourself get lost in the daydream- it wouldn't be that bad to kiss him, would it? You glanced at his lips before bringing your gaze to his eyes again.
It seemed that was the last straw, because Dorian gently held your face and tilted your head up and kissed you. The kiss was like a rush of fresh air. It was heady and rushed and gentle and slow at the same time.
You let the fingers of one hand tangle in his raven locks, the other hand cupping Dorian’s jaw, slanting your mouth over his to deepen the kiss. Meanwhile, Dorian’s arms snaked around your waist, tighter than before, lifting you up ever so slightly.
You hadn't even realised you’d begun walking when your back touched the wall. You gasped, pulling away at that, letting Dorian pepper soft kisses along your jaw, trailing down your neck. You tangled your fingers in his hair, tugging slightly to get him to return his attention to your mouth.
There was a soft thump as Dorian placed his hand on the wall next to your head and the gesture reminded you how compromising this situation was. If anyone entered, you wouldn’t be able to give any excuses. Worse yet if Chaol or Celaena came- they’d tease you mercilessly. Thinking of Celaena reminded you why you hadn’t wanted to do this in the first place- whatever this was.
Dorian felt you clam up and pulled away immediately, eyes wide with horror. “Y/n, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-” “It’s not that. I didn’t mind the kissing” you say gently, watching him visibly relax.
“We can’t keep going around in this loop” you say chuckling softly. “Agreed” Dorian’s voice was low, a huskiness was in it that sent a shiver through you. “We can’t pretend this never happened” he said and you made to protest but Dorian smirked, his signature arrogant smirk. “I may have started the kiss but you were the one who encouraged me”
You felt your cheeks heat and looked away. “ I encouraged you? Really? That’s your defence?” “Not a defence. An accusation. I’m not the only one to blame here” Dorian countered, obviously amused.
You blinked rapidly for a few seconds, glaring at him in irritation. “To blame for what?”
Dorian leaned towards you, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “We’ll both be at blame when our friends find us tomorrow morning. In the same bed.”
You gaped at him, squealing loudly in embarrassment when the words registered. Dorian hummed in glee. “Too late. I already put the image in your head”
“You’re a horrible person”
“You weren’t saying that 5 minutes ago”
Dorian smirked on having gouged that reaction out of you. That stupidly handsome bastard. He wanted a reaction out of you? Fine. You’d give him one. If anything you’d learned from Caelena, it was the art of seduction.
Leaning into his ear you whispered, “If you would like to spend the night with me, you are free to do so. Who am I to deny the crown prince of Adarlan?”
*****
“I hope you know this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to spend the night with you,” Dorian said from the floor. “The least you could’ve done was give me the left side of the bed.”
“You said you wanted to spend the night with me. I don’t see why you can’t do that from my bedroom floor.” you said, grinning.
“Imagine what the people of Adarlan would say if they heard their crown prince spent a night on the floor just to get a woman's attention.” You laughed.
“They’d wonder if he’s gone crazy.”
You were anticipating a snarky reply from Dorian, but when you were met with complete silence, you turned to look at him, staring right at you.
“What?” you asked.
“You do realize that I would spend every.damn.day of my life sleeping on the floor just to see you laugh like that, right?” he replied, a silent plea in his eyes.
You scoffed, rolling your eyes, “Okay fine, you take the left side of the bed,” you said, hoping he’d drop the topic. But he didn’t.
One thing that you hated about Dorian was that he was always very stubborn. He’d never give up on anything or anyone. It was the same, when you were kids, and now as adults. But you just wished he’d give up on this one thing.
“No. I mean, yes, I’ll take the left side of the bed, but no I refuse to give up on this topic and I refuse to give up on you.” You groaned. “Maybe your life would be easier if you would just leave me alone.”
“Maybe. But I don’t want my life to be easy. I want it to be hard and difficult and stressful and I want you to be there with me in it.”
“Gee, thanks.” you replied sarcastically, but Dorian just brushed it off.
“I don’t want you to be in my life because you’re easy to handle or live with. I want you because you’re fun and witty and fearless and…because I like you .”
“And you can’t get all that with anyone else?”
“Maybe. But they’re not you. And that's all I need.”