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Alright people, let's do this. I can't believe you wanna take time out of your day to read my shit - but hey, it's your fucking choice. Ok, where do I start... Oh, right. Happy Holidays! Yeah! And all that good shit! Or Merry Christmas for those of you who prefer that. Or Merry kiss my ass if you wanna hear something else. Alright. Focus, Zach.
I want to take this opportunity to thank all my Twitter friends from the extranet. I didn't even know this shit existed earlier this year, and it's been awesome to connect. Not gonna lie. I guess I'm a social fucking creature after all. I'm gonna do some specific shout outs, and then I'll end with some more general remarks. Sound good? Alright.
First person to mention can only be one person: @AlenkoMrs. Baby, I know I already wrote you a little letter in the mail, but the principle stands, alright? You were the very first one to hear about me. The very first one to see my picture and call me hot. Yeah... Good taste. Excellent taste. Kaidan would agree. Your warm friendship and encouragement has meant the world to me, alright? Because this was a hard year for everyone. Hell, my year started off with the fucking Reapers still kicking around, so yeah. Fuck that shit. I'm so glad I found you. Stop by anytime, baby. I'll show you English Bay.
Alright, second person to be mentioned can also only be one person: @ShepardsKat. My most devoted reader, and first one to devour my entire fucking fic before it was even on AO3. Hell, you're so special to me, you still get my life's drama sent directly to your inbox before anyone else sees it. Fuck yeah. Baby, I love your emotional investment in my life, your upbeat energy and your encouragement, and I'm fucking blown away by your talent. Your writing, your poetry, your art... Shit. Is there an end to it? Keep up the good work, and never be afraid to reach out. I'll be sure to send you my next adventures with Kaidan at fucking 3am again, cause I know you'll still be awake. Sleep is for losers, right? Fucking right.
Ok, next shout out is to @PBlack2019. I've said this before: There is no Zach without Phoenix Black. You just GET me, you know? And you passionately support me, and you love all my fucking extranet screaming so much, you have notifications turned on for my account... I mean, who the fuck does that? But I love you for it. I absolutely love you for it. I love knowing that you're there, every time I scream into the void. Wishing you the very best of holidays, baby. You can always count on me to have your back.
@InquisitorPwant is another one of those. Had notifications turned on, or for a while, at least. Said you loved seeing me on your feed so much, you didn't wanna miss anything. Damn baby. Way to stroke my fucking ego, you know? But hey, I'm more than happy to oblige. Plenty more Zach coming your way in the future, fucking count on it. Give me a shout anytime you need anything. You know I'm here for you.
Ok, time for @andrastesmabari. I'm not even sure I should be doing this one in public, but I'll fucking keep it PG. PG adjacent I suppose, cause the swearing ain't gonna stop. Yas... you know how I feel about you. I've told you many times. I've written to you a lot already, so I won't repeat all that shit here. Plus that's between us, you know? Yeah. But you fucking know I love you. You are the mirror image of my soul. And I'll always be there for you. Absolutely always. Happy holidays, baby. I hope you get spoiled.
I'm kinda going in a random order now - so please don't be fucking offended if your name is further down the list, cause I fucking love you all, ok? You might also fall into more than one category, but I'm gonna try and keep this somewhat fucking organized. Alright.
Next up: the vocal Mshenko squad. Fuck yeah. I mean, obviously you people have the best taste imaginable. Good shit. Shout outs to @hugsfromyadiel (great edits, great personality, keep up the good fucking shit, alright?) @TFB5Spike for all the likes, retweets and passion, @YogSothott (fuck yeah, bitch. Alright, I should stop calling you bitch. I say it with love and the greatest respect, but I'll stop. I'll be a good boy) @elvhenberry of course - glad we have the same taste in extranet sites, @Fuse294, can always count on you to appreciate the filthy stuff, fucking right, @roarmoreau, my awesome friend from Russia with amazing fucking talents too. Mshenko love is worldwide, and I love it. @ReiFedge belongs in that category as well, as does @blyad_mages. But they also deserve a special mention in the artist corner (thanks again for your amazing artwork, it surprised me so much, and I fucking love it) - so I guess I'll move on to that now.
@fereldansoul, baby... having your hands on me is such a fucking pleasure, every goddamn time. You do such an amazing job, and you've come so far. I love how you've become intimately familiar with all my features, and how you put up with all my anal fucking instructions. But the results have been amazing. Kaidan agrees that we should keep commissioning you, so I'm sure we'll talk again in the new year, alright? Keep up those awesome workouts in the meantime. Nothing but respect for you, baby. And you invented the #ZachEffect. I love you for that.
@anaristhefox_, you have impressed the shit out of me lately. Ever since you started channeling that Zach energy baby, I'm telling you. Fucking look at you! Keep drinking in that self confidence in your skills, alright? Cause they're nothing short of mind-blowing. I hope this next year will bring amazing things for you. I'm in your corner baby. Give me a shout anytime, and enjoy a little break for now.
@girlstandstill, your art always mesmerizes me, and I'm glad we've gotten to know each other better lately. You've even shown your face in my discord channel a few times, and... damn, girl. That tells me all I need to know. Very happy holidays to you.
Fuck, there's so many of you, you know? People who create awesome things, awesome art, awesome anything. I love seeing all that shit come by. We may not interact a whole lot (and depending on your taste in personalities, it might be for the best, I was told two days ago by another fucking Australian how I'm just a cunt, so yeah...) - but my point is: I appreciate seeing everyone's creative side come by. Please don't ever be shy on Twitter. Please share your work, even if you're afraid or insecure to do so. Cause I'm here to spam that like and retweet button. Life is a fucking journey, you know? Believe me, I know. We're all growing, all the fucking time. The end of next year will probably look different than now. But channel that inner Zach energy, stop giving a fuck about what others think, and do yourself a favour and impress the shit out of yourself next year, alright? Good.
Ok, I gotta mention my readers here now. The people I know read my fic - hell, some of you even devour it. Cheers, guys. I fucking appreciate your support. My life is an absolute shitshow, and I don't know why so many of you are interested in reading all about my fucked up shit, but hey, I'll take it. The Chronicles of Commander Zach Shepard is at 1554 hits right now as I'm writing this, and I fucking love it. Special shout out to @GenocidalFetus, @WagglyLamp and @MxMassEffect for always liking my new chapter posts. I appreciate every single one of my readers, even if I don't mention you by name, or even if you're only halfway through my story. I know it's fucking long - my bad. But you're all amazing, ok? Fucking right.
Then there's the discord crowd. You know who you are. Not gonna call all of you out here, but you fucking know who you are. Special love for the zach-simping-headquarters frequent visitors. You're the best. And you always know where to find me if you're in need of some Zach energy, NSFW or otherwise.
Twitter regulars and irregulars - here's another whole fucking category. People I interact with, but not necessarily a lot, you know? Just (occasional) mutual appreciation for random things. Casual likes and retweets. I love it. Again, you know who you are. I see those likes. I love you all. I'll mention a few of you, but you're all fucking special to me. @mysticalenbyart, @QuietKaidanStan, @moons_angel, @selinksc, @TonyShepard98, @MJsGamingBlog, @ughestrada, @UnaVezMs8, @Muirnara, @ninja__shi, @Skylleon, @GrisHawke, @Cdr_Estrella, @HollieTheNerd (baby, the Backstreet Boys rule - this has to be fucking said now) @stillaroundArt (keep up the amazing work) @kittimau1, @LadyFiasco_x, @NellaKrios, @SpudSammy, @Legimel, @moirakatson (great respect, good shit) @NewtiaofTarth (your recognition of me over my fucking writer absolutely made my day. Fucking right. The Zach Effect) @FicBrish (hey baby), @vacationreads9, @addi_lavelle, @tony_mills, @sihairikah, @TheRabidRomulan, @itsdaneesaur, @phoenix_fire93, @TLCece, @citadelparty, @JSihariel, @KitChaton, @CullensHoleHoor, @dankohdirect, @DaSweetyR2 (hey baby, you know where to find me) @Calculusofwar, @CitadelAuri, @DefinitelyKrios, @CapObviousN7, @AverageMomBear, @StarfinderJenn, @ThotFromThedas, @NykaraNizri, @aceinspades1512, @lillindine, @kylaelena, @BBy1344 (hey you, we'll stick to discord - but I couldn't just not mention you, and you fucking know it) @Wailing_Willow, @Debinthedas (baby you get so many points just for having a twin sister...) @valrvyn, @KirsenArterius (most original ship ever) @Valyrienne (thanks for all your support in the past, baby) @CorvetteStorm, @HimboOfFerelden, @GeekGirlTwitch, @theninjafemme, @RandomMeerkitty.
Fuck yeah. I know I didn't get everyone - please, don't be fucking offended, alright? I love you all. There's plenty of Zach love to go around. Good shit.
Ok! I'm done, right? Oh wait. Almost done. Ya. I saved the best for last. Fucking right. Time to roast a fucking Aussie. People, if you have sensitive ears (or eyes, I guess), stop reading now, alright? (Actually, if that's the case, you shouldn't have been reading this shit in the first place). He's the last one I'm mentioning, so you won't miss anything else. Happy holidays! Have a great fucking new year. I love you all.
Alright, @LoppaGoppa - here we are again, just you and me, you fucking piece of shit. It's been a hell of a ride, hasn't it? And you just can't let me be nice to you. Every time I show you the softer side of Zach, you just fucking push me away like a little bitch. And you revel in my pain like a fucking sadistic asshole. Yeah. I've seen the fucking tweets. But I wanna prove to you that I'm a better person than you think, alright? I wanna fucking prove that to you. Kaidan says I should stop obsessing about what you think of me, but what the hell does he know? Ok, a lot. He knows a lot. I should probably listen to him. But seriously. There's so much potential between us, you know? And I know you fucking spend your workdays thinking about me, baby. I know you do. Look at you, you coming home and writing your whole evening away - about the battle sequences of Biotic Zach. How cute is that? How cute is it that I'm on your fucking mind like that? Hm. I'm telling you, you need to give in. Do yourself a fucking favour for once and give in to the Zach Effect already. We'll create the most epic story ever told, alright? Dig deep now. Feel your love for me. Fucking embrace it. I know it's there. Be a good boy now. You'll feel so much better, I promise you. Zach will take care of you, if you'll let me. I'll be your staunchest defender instead of your fucking nemesis. Just come watch armadillos on the couch with me already. You know you want to. Yeah. Fucking right. You don't have to cry yourself to sleep anymore, baby. I'm fucking here for you. Always. Let the Zach Train collide with you. Let my energy wash over you. This is exactly what you want. Ok. I think I've made my fucking point.
Anyway, good shit. Can't wait to see what next year brings for us. Take care of yourself this coming week, alright? I know it's hot as fuck out there. Make sure you drink enough. See? I care. I'm a fucking caring individual.
Cheers, everyone. It's been an absolute blast. Be safe this holiday season, have fun, and know that you're all loved, exactly as you are.
Zach out.