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Kang Sol rubbed her knuckles against her eyelids.
She could not possibly be seeing what she thought she was seeing.
Could she?
Was this a hallucination? She pinched her arm to be sure.
But no. It did not look like her eyes were playing tricks on her.
This could not be happening.
Panic began to twist in her stomach, but she willed herself to keep calm. The wine had gotten to her head, that’s all. She should have known better than to listen to any of Seo Ji-ho’s ideas. Liquor and an empty stomach was never a good combination.
But Sol B said he was out of the country!
Had her former roommate been mistaken or had she deliberately lied to her? Yet it was not like B to put her nose in anyone else's business. Sol A had agreed to come primarily because her trusted friend and confidante had specifically promised that he would not be here.
So, logically speaking, the person standing less than five feet away could not be Han Joon-hwi.
It just couldn’t.
And yet there was no mistaking that face. That warm, boyish face that lit up a room every time he smiled. He wore his hair differently now; shorter and more cropped at the sides. He was dressed in a cozy red sweater that contrasted with the Prosecutor's robes Sol normally saw him wearing, on the off chance that they were in the same room together. Always, always from a distance though—never this close.
Her heart began to race wildly in her chest. Joon-hwi was talking to their old law school classmate, Yoo Seung-jae, and did not seem as though he had seen Sol yet.
How long has it been? A year? She and Joon-hwi had not spoken a word to each other since the disastrous events of last Christmas, when he had confessed his feelings for her.
“Listen carefully, okay? I have a friend… whom I've known for a long time. But I started to like her. If I tell her how I feel, it might make things a little awkward. But if I chicken out and not tell her, I might regret it for the rest of my life.”
“Who… who is this friend, Joonhwi-ah?”
There was a breath of silence before he answered: “You.”
His unexpected confession left Sol speechless, to say the least. She honestly did not know what to do at that moment. After all, what was one supposed to say when one's best friend of eight years suddenly wants to be more?
She had never really given it much thought before. Joon-hwi had always seemed like a permanent fixture in her life. The two of them had seen each other through murdered uncles, criminal investigations, corrupt politicians, and, worst of all, law school . Joon-hwi had been present in each moment, offering his shoulder for her to lean on and helping her stay on track. There was never any question that Han Joon-hwi meant a lot to her.
And yet…
Did she love him?
At that time, the idea was too ludicrous to even entertain.
Han Joon-hwi? The Han Joon-hwi? The Second-Round Judicial Exam Passer? Bar topnotcher? The hotshot prosecutor who was yet to lose a single case? In love with her?
At first, Sol thought he'd meant it as a joke. But Han Joon-hwi never made such hurtful jokes at her expense. Those soulful, earnest eyes said it all: He had feelings for her.
Her, Kang Sol, who had spent much of her life playing second-fiddle to everyone around her!
After Joon-hwi's confession turned her world upside down, Sol merely stood with her feet rooted in place, unable to utter a sound. Several moments of wordless silence lapsed, and a sigh broke free from Joon-hwi's lips.
Sol did not dare look at him. She was afraid… of what? Seeing the disappointment on his face? Seeing how she'd broken her best friend's heart by not reciprocating his feelings?
When Joon-hwi spoke, however, it was with the same gentle voice that Sol recognized and loved. Yet she could not decipher what emotion he could possibly be feeling at that instance.
“You don't have to give me your answer now. I'll wait for you, Sol.”
And before Sol could muster a reply, Joon-hwi had left.
That was the last time the two of them had spoken to each other.
Seeing him now after nearly a year made Sol's heart pound. Joon-hwi looked the same, and yet this was not quite the same Han Joon-hwi she had known for eight years.
This Han Joon-hwi loved her.
What was she supposed to do now? Should she feign ignorance and pretend that last Christmas had merely been a figment of their imagination?
I can't do this, Sol thought with increasing desperation. She would rather be faced with a murder trial than a best friend who had confessed to having feelings for her.
But then the moment Sol turned her heel to walk away, a voice suddenly called out to her:
“Sol?”
It was Joon-hwi. He had crossed the room and now stood within an arm's distance from Sol.
Her heart leapt to her throat. She became reminded of the last time she had been in such close proximity with him. His presence was making her dizzy now. What was wrong with her?
“Hi,” Sol stammered, and she inwardly cursed. Way to show him you’re cool and unbothered, Kang Sol. Aish.
Joon-hwi smiled. There was no indication that their unexpected reunion had fazed him at all.
“You’re looking well.”
“Thank you. How have you been?”
“Great. Thank you for asking. And you?”
“Great. Just great. Thank you.”
An awkward pause came between them.
Sol wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Or, at least until Joon-hwi left. Even after nearly a year of silence and zero communication, she still had not gotten used to the newfound awkwardness and tension between them. For as long as she’d known him, the two of them had always enjoyed a steady, carefree camaraderie. So the small talk and stilted conversation were painfully unfamiliar.
“B said…” Her voice caught in her throat. She coughed, then went on, “B said you weren't coming tonight.”
“Ah.” Did Sol imagine it, or had there been a flash of dismay in his gaze? “Thankfully, there were some last-minute changes at work,” Joon-hwi explained. “I couldn't miss the chance to see Ji-ho and B's new house.”
“I’m sorry,” Sol blurted out, without thinking.
Joon-hwi looked taken aback. “Why are you apologizing?” His eyes fell on the half-full wine glass in her hand, then pursed his lips. “Are you drunk?”
“No. Of course not. I'm only on my second glass.”
“You're a lightweight, Kang Sol.”
“I've gotten better at holding my liquor now, you know.”
Joon-hwi looked as though he doubted that very much.
“Listen, Joonhwi-ah—” Sol began to say, but was then interrupted by a loud gasp followed by an excited squeal.
“Eomma! Appa! Look, imo and samchon are standing under the mistletoe!!”
Sol stared, perplexed, at the little girl who had burst into a fit of high-pitched giggles as she gestured wildly at her and Joon-hwi. Her father, Seung-jae, was looking apologetically at his two friends. But Sol did not understand.
Mistletoe? What on earth is a mistletoe?
She turned to Joon-hwi, but he, too, was wearing an identical bewildered look.
“Er, Sol-ah,” Seung-jae said, “in the West, when two people find themselves standing under the mistletoe, they're supposed to,” cough, “kiss. On the lips,” he clarified, rather unhelpfully.
In an instant, Sol’s gaze snapped up to Seung-jae while all the color drained from her face.
“Wh—what?!”
Sol looked up and, sure enough, there was a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling. She breathed out a curse, having no one to blame but herself for getting stuck in this predicament.
But Joon-hwi merely laughed, not taking Seung-jae seriously. “Hyung,” he said, voice laced with mingled disbelief and amusement, “you're not serious, are you? Come on now, it's the 21st century. Some holiday traditions aren't meant to be followed anymore.”
“It's supposed to be bad luck if you refuse a kiss under the mistletoe,” Seung-jae explained, while his daughter nodded enthusiastically.
Their other friends began to gather in the living room. They were all looking at Sol, Joon-hwi, Seung-jae, and his daughter with growing interest. Sol spotted the newlyweds, Seo Ji-ho and Kang Sol B, exchanging identical looks of mischief. Sol A had no doubt the two of them were placing their bets on what would happen next.
Joon-hwi's eyes flitted to Sol. His gaze was filled with quiet reassurance.
“It's just a silly superstition, Sol. We don't have to do this,” he whispered to her. "I don't mind. I promise."
Why, oh why, couldn't he be less sweet—less Han Joon-hwi— and more despicable, so it would be easier for her to put some distance between them? The sheer thoughtfulness of him broke something down inside her, and she inclined her head so that her gaze was locked with his, slowly inching closer toward him.
Nervously, Sol told him, “Joonhwi-ah, I—I have an important trial coming soon…”
Eyes widening in incredulity, Joon-hwi interrupted, “Ya, Kang Sol. You've been a Defense Attorney for six years now. Don't tell me you still believe in such ridiculous superstitions.”
Both hands falling to her hips, Sol frowned at him. “I do, actually. Not everyone can be as hotshot as you are, Han geomsa,” she fired back.
“I didn't mean it like that! I just meant—look, Sol, I just don't want you to be forced into doing anything you don't want to do.”
“Well, did I explicitly say I don't want to do this?”
The reply sent everyone's jaws dropping to the floor. Including Joon-hwi's.
He seemed to be scrambling for a coherent rebuttal, only to end up sputtering, “You—you—do you—?”
Sol held her chin up defiantly. Inwardly, however, her stomach was churning. She had never felt so nervous in her life, not even inside a courtroom.
“Han Joon-hwi, do you not want to kiss me?”
There was a collective “ooh!” from the gathering crowd. Their nosy group of friends was darting their gazes from her to Joon-hwi, and then back again, as though there was a tennis match in Ji-ho and Sol B’s living room.
Joon-hwi’s eyes had darkened. It was impossible to read the emotion on his face.
Sol wanted to hit herself. Kang Sol, you idiot. Of all the days to put her foot in her mouth, she had chosen today. She had pretty much dug her own grave.
Then, without preamble, he took a step forward, crossing the distance so that only breath stood between them.
“Did you seriously just ask me that question, Sol?”
Sol couldn't breathe.
Joon-hwi was standing close— way too close. The warmth of his breath sent the hairs on her skin standing at full attention.
Having known him for so long, she should be used to this proximity by now. She’d lost count of the number of times the two of them had too much to drink and ended up falling asleep side-by-side on his couch. Yet at that moment, it was as if Sol had become painfully aware of everything else that stood between them—his unanswered confession, a treacherous mistletoe, and her own complicated emotions.
Emotions were complicated. They could change at any moment, without warning. Human as they were, it was unlikely that any of them would be exempted from the fickleness, the fragility, of human emotions.
Sol had seen what love could do to others, how it could tear people apart, how loving someone with all your heart was not a guarantee that they would stay by your side forever. Why on earth would she risk the safety—the stability—of her friendship with Joon-hwi for something like that?
“You know," Joon-hwi whispered, his breath hot against her face, "surely you must know…”
His gaze darted to her mouth.
Unconsciously, Sol licked her lips.
Somewhere in her subconscious, a loud, despotic voice was screaming: walk away, walk away!
And yet even that voice was powerless against the resilient, unseen force that drew her body to Joon-hwi. Closer, closer, until her lips brushed against his.
At first, they merely stood there with their lips touching, both of them frozen with shock at the sudden twist of events.
A moment later, something must have shifted within Joon-hwi because, suddenly, his hand crept to the nape of her neck while the other clutched at the side of her waist. Then his lips coaxed, captured, and drew her deeper into the heat of his mouth until it felt like his kiss was stoking a fire in her soul.
The moment Joon-hwi’s lips grazed hers, Sol knew they both crossed a line from which none of them could return. Something inside her overpowers the fact that about twenty pairs of eyes were watching them, and she allowed herself to surrender. Her eyes fluttered closed and she threw both arms around his neck, covering his whole mouth with hers where not a sliver of light could slip through.
As the kiss deepened, the sinister voice in her head deadened into silence. Every face in the entire room chipped away piece by piece until what was left was just the two of them, lost in this sudden descent of need.
Then Joon-hwi pulled back.
Sol’s face felt hot. Her knees threatened to buckle, and she wished the earth would just swallow her whole. Only a single thought echoed across her mind.
What on earth had they just done?
The room had gone very quiet. Then there came a burst of applause and the crowd broke into raucous, triumphant cheering. Sol looked over Joon-hwi's shoulder and saw a disgruntled Ji-ho slipping a few wads of cash onto a smug Sol B's hands.
“Joonhwi-ah…”
Sol pulled at the hem of her sweater, feeling anxious. There was a blank expression on Joon-hwi's face. She normally prided herself in her ability to read Joon-hwi like a book, in a way that nobody else could seem to do.
This time, however, there was no guessing what could be running through his mind.
Finally, Joon-hwi breathed out, “I need some air.”
Then, just like last Christmas, he turned away, leaving his heart at Kang Sol's feet.
After what felt like a lifetime, Sol found him at a kids' playground a few blocks away. Joon-hwi was sitting on a swing that looked too low for his long legs, looking glum as he scuffed his shoe against the hard, icy ground.
He said nothing when Sol sank into the swing next to him. For several moments—or a hundred winter nights, she did not know—silence stretched between them, a breathing creature that kept all the words she longed to say to him lodged in her throat.
Why was silence infinitely easier to give than the truth?
They both spoke at the same time.
“Joonhwi-ah…”
“Sol-ah…”
Sol gave him a small, tentative smile, which Joon-hwi thankfully returned.
“I’ll go first. Okay?” Sol requested, and Joon-hwi nodded in response.
Curling her fingers around the cold metal of the swing, Sol took a long, deep breath. Her heart was thumping wildly against its restraints. Then, before her nerve could disappear completely, at long last Sol told him the truth.
“Last Christmas, when you told me you had feelings for me, I felt happy. Really, really happy. I felt as if my heart would burst from all the happiness I was feeling at that moment…”
As she spoke, she kept her eyes fixed on the distance ahead. She could feel Joon-hwi's piercing gaze on her, but couldn't bring herself to look at him. She feared that if she did, her tongue might trip over itself in a rush to say the rest of the words she'd been holding back all this time.
“And that happiness… It scared me so much, Joonhwi-ah. I couldn't remember ever feeling so happy. All my life I've only been scared, angry, frustrated, exhausted , and sad. And I got scared because I didn't—I don't know how to be happy. Not the way you make me happy.”
Tears began to prick her eyes. There was a creaking sound from the swing beside her but Sol hastily shot out a hand toward her companion, not quite done yet.
“Let me finish,” Sol said in a thick voice, then huffed out a laugh. “I'm fine. Just… let me finish, alright? Otherwise, I'm never gonna be able to tell you the truth…”
She covered her face in her hands, embarrassment creeping to her face.
“The truth! I spent the past year running away from it. But not anymore. The truth, Joonhwi-ah,” Sol drew in a deep, shaky sigh, “is that I'm afraid of how happy you make me. I'm afraid that one day you're going to realize the terrible mistake you’ve made by loving someone like me. But this past year made me realize that I'm far more afraid of not being with you. Of all the things I love in this world, the one I'm most afraid of losing is you, Han Joon-hwi.”
Then Sol felt the warmth of his hands blanketing hers.
“All night I’ve been losing my mind trying to tell you: my affections and feelings haven't changed,” Joon-hwi said tenderly, which made Sol look up to meet his gaze. Too overwhelmed by the flood of emotions, she hardly registered the soft hand that wiped away the tears tracking down her cheeks. “Everything I said last Christmas is still true. But one word from you will silence me on this forever. If you asked me to, I'd happily stay as just a friend from now on.”
“Really?”
Joon-hwi nodded. Smiling, he affirmed, “Just say the word, Sol. I would do anything if it's what you want.”
“I love you, Han Joon-hwi,” Sol said resolutely. “Always have, always will. What I want,” she gently cradled his face in her hands, “is to be by your side for the rest of my life.”
The grin on Joon-hwi's face widened. Quickly, he leapt to his feet, then pulled her up so that his arms could circle around her waist.
“All this time my heart and my soul have been with you, Kang Sol, and I love,” he kissed her palm, “love,” her knuckles, “love you.”
Just as the night sky began to blaze with the first explosion of fireworks, Joon-hwi closed the remaining distance and captured her lips in a soft, sweet kiss. This time, there was no mistletoe to blame. Her lips were smeared with tears and wine, but Joon-hwi did not seem to care. Unlike the first time, this kiss felt like snow melting into spring. All her hesitations, all her secret fears and anguish, all the dreams that slept deep within her came awake, everything was radiant and blooming, and everything just seemed to make sense.
“Merry Christmas, Joonhwi-ah,” Sol murmured, a little breathlessly, when they broke apart.
Joon-hwi drew her closer to him, lifting his hand up to caress her cold cheek. He was looking at her in a way that had her heart fluttering. It was there for Sol to see—the love she feels for him, reflected in his eyes. The love that made her want to believe in herself, despite how hard life made it sometimes.
And she knew, somehow she just knew, that another chapter in the rest of her life had just begun.
“Merry Christmas, Kang Sol,” Joon-hwi said, before kissing her again.
Fin.