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All the streets were dancing with the lights, leaving all the evil and ugliness behind, getting rid of the past sins, and getting ready to celebrate a new year and opening a brand new page.
Seeing the streets so bright and full of life gave her a senseless peace, seeing people decorate their shops, in a shopping frenzy for their loved ones and for themselves, or just people walking on the street, as if everyone was a part of an unknown whole, giving her a sense of belonging.
Maybe she feel that way, because that's exactly what she needed right now: a sense of belonging. It bothered her she felt like she needed to know that she had a place in this life, that there were people who needed her, who thought of her, who were grateful for her existence, and how this was the only thing she could think about, even though it was one of her biggest weaknesses she didn't want to talk about.
And she hated herself for it, she wasn't that weak, she didn't do self pity it wasn't her. She was Lois Lane, the daughter of General Sam Lane; she was stronger than that. She blamed this moment of weakness for starting off alone in a city where she knew no one but his cousin's new husband, who fighting for his life while God knew where his wife was.
Lois shook her head, she didn't wanted to think that way about Chloe, she knew her cousin was better than that; Chloe did loved Jimmy, she wouldn't left him all alone in his pain and nightmares if it wasn't for good reasons. She had no idea what that reason might be, what was keeping her from coming here and looking after her hushand, helping him to get better and heal, but it wasn't her place to butt in.
If they weren't married, supporting each other through good times and bad, being there for each other wasn't part of the vow they made on their wedding day maybe Lois would've said a few words, couldn't help herself, but it was a marriage they were talking about, and Lois knew it was something they had to deal with as husband and wife.
With the sudden blow of a cold wind, she felt the first snowdrops drifting on her face, the warmth of the light-filled streets had been replaced by a great darkness and emptiness. Her whole body trembled with a shudder, she had come to the end of the illusion that she had seen for a few moments. She tightened his red scarf tighter and continued walking. There was nothing else to see. She had things to do.
The first thing she had to do, of course, was to go to the hospital. Just like she did every day for the past two months. All she did was wake up, take a shower, drink her coffee, and go to the hospital to visit Jimmy. Sometimes she didn't even have the energy to go to the apartment that Oliver had reserved for her.
It wasn't because Jimmy even needed her that she spent so much time in the hospital. Most of the time he was asleep, his body needed sleep to heal, and on rare occasions when he was awake he would beg to be put to sleep because he was in excruciating pain. Those painful moans were burning in Lois' ears over and over every day.
Lois stayed with Jimmy every day, every night, not to be there for him when he was awake, but to protect Jimmy in his dreams. To guard him in his dreams. To show him that he is not alone in that darkness, to show him that he is not alone in his nightmares, because Lois knew that feeling of loneliness was worse than that dark feeling or any nightmare he've had.
As she walked slowly down the hospital corridor, she felt the phone inher coat pocket vibrate. She reached into his pocket for her phone, thinking it was one of Oliver's messages for the weekly checkup. Chloe wouldn't call her at this time, she had already given the General her monthly report, texting or calling was not Lucy's thing.
Clark, to tell the truth, he was someone she didn't want to think about right now. She didn't think it was possible that he was wondering about Lois, either, trying to ignore the pain that pierced her heart when she thought, probably Clark had started making wedding plans with the love of his life now that she was back to his life again.
She tried not to think about how safe and at the same time she felt falling when that dance was in his arms, the excitement and warmth she felt when she put her hand on his heart, how much she wanted to kiss him, how she burned to kiss him.
Mostly not to think about Clark's face after hearing that name. She tried not to think about how he had watched her enter the barn, how his features had turned from surprise to longing. It didn't hurt anymore that the moment came to life over and over again as she tried to erase it from her memory, and how each time she remembered another hurtful detail, no, she just hated herself for being so stupid.
A fool for thinking she had a chance, a fool for letting her guard down in a moment of weakness, a fool for letting him get this close, but the fact that that moment was just an almost was the detail that saved them, an important and retrievable detail.
She shook herself, not having time to waste on nonsense and futile thoughts, took a quick glance at her phone, and contrary to what she thought, the message was not from Oliver, but from him, the person whose name she didn't even want to think about.
Ever since she came to Star City, Clark had only called her a few times, and each time it was either to say Chloe had been found or to ask about Jimmy, their dialogue was more intimate and realistic, even when they first met.
And this disconnect between them made her even more uncomfortable than she wanted to admit. Despite everything, no matter how much it hurts, even if it takes a superhuman effort not to think about him. She never wanted Clark out of her life.
What she felt for him was her business, her feelings towards him was on her, she couldn't blame anyone else for that, she couldn't punish Clark for not sharing her feelings. She had never considered venting her anger by turning away from Clark, cutting off being his friend, just because her feelings were unrequited. Although Clark was sometimes quite gullible and forgiving, he was one of the most honest and honorable people she had ever met.
While she would never admit it to his face, she was honored to be Clark's friend and sometimes wondered how someone as tolerant as he could have stayed friends with someone like Lois for so long. And she will let herself admit for the moment: somewhere inside of her was someone who would do anything for Clark's happiness, even if it was to watch him be with someone else, because she didn't know anyone else as deserving of happiness as Clark.
She knew that Clark's greatest fear was to be alone, and what he most wanted was someone to fill the void that loneliness had created with love. Clark was still a believer in magic, a believer in soul mates, and if he thought Lana was his soul mate, or wanted that person to be Lana, all Lois could do was wish him happiness andand she would say it most sincerely because Clark's happiness was hers too.
Walking towards Jimmy's room, she tried to focus only on the hospital smell and how much she hated it since her childhood. Those few times her father took her to visit her mother, that serum, disinfectant, and alcohol smell didn't just permeate her senses, she could never quite forget it.
Of course, the visits she herself made as a patient countless times had an effect on this. She could at least admit to herself that she had drawn trouble like a magnet, but there was nothing she could do about it, asking questions, searching for facts were ingrained in her DNA.
She would do whatever she had to do as an investigative journalist. And she wasn't fearless, nor did she sickly delight in danger, as people thought, she was simply too stubborn to let fear get in the way.
She slowly opened the door and stepped inside. She looked at Jimmy's sleeping body, she knew she was asleep, his life was no longer in danger, but he still looked very lifeless, his face still white, he looked soulless.
Her movements were still slow and she leaned towards him and touched her hand, nurse Betty had told her several times that it could be good, it wasn't scientific data, but she said that during her 20-year nursing career she had seen patients need all kinds of support; sometimes just the touch of a friend.
And Lois was trying as hard as she could to make Jimmy feel that she wasn't alone, she knew she wasn't the person he needed, but she couldn't do more.
A few seconds later, she pulled the metallic-colored chair she had marked as her own on the edge of the hospital bed and sat down, knowing it was going to be a long night, the nurses told her Jimmy had had a panic attack or two earlier in the day, meaning he was likely to have more than one nightmare tonight.
She yawned softly and took a deep sigh, as she came to her senses, angry that she had forgotten to buy coffee from the coffee shop she had recently discovered around the corner, then she realized that she still had the phone in her hand and hadn't looked at the message from Clark.
She stared at the dark screen of the phone for a long time, guessing what was in the message, knowing it was no more than a friendly message, but she didn't feel ready for anything from him.
She wasn't too happy to be in Star City, she knew Chloe was the person Jimmy needed to be around, but she wasn't going to lie, being here, away from everything, gave her time to heal his own heart, too.
The phone's black screen had locked him in as if she had been hypnotized. It was as if there was no other sound around but the voice of her own heart. The beating of her heart and the thousand and one voices in her head, the voice that tells and reminds her of everything she wants to forget, and the cold and bitter voice of a great silence.
She felt her vision go blurry for a moment, the black screen she was looking at was shattered into thousands of pieces, that's when she felt that the tears she had been avoiding were finally starting to flow out of her control.
As ashamed as she was to be crying over her own broken heart while she was in a hospital room watching one of her best friends fight for her life, she was going to give herself this moment put all her disappointments, heartache, hopes and let it flow like tears. Tomorrow would start a new day, leaving everything behind, but right now she would sit and dream, dreams that she knew would never come true, that would be forbidden to her after tonight.