Work Text:
You were mine
I wish kept secret,
never put you on stage for the world to enjoy.
And, if I can’t have you, no one can.
I think I’ve made sure of that.
Dangerous the temptation in those baby blue eyes. But then I play you like a harpsichord, and you fall for it every time, and there grows deep destructive loathing in my veins. I sometimes feel like I want to tear you apart, take my teeth to your jugular and just rip, feel that deep wet slick throbbing of your heartbeat red until you bleed out.
I can’t have that.
I play you like a song on the piano and you jump and dance like a puppet, for me.
You want to please. You want it so much, it makes me sick.
And because I know that, because I know your mind, I can say those things that get you deep inside. Incisor words, surgical scalp to those walls constructed. I can send them tumbling down.
Your mind, little brother.
Familiar desperation on your face as you fall apart.
It’s just the same, fighting or fucking. Love is hate and hate is love. Balancing at the end of eternity, the very brink of a black hole blue-tinged pupil. Glaring down the barrel of the soul, belonging to you or I, who could say. I watch you like you watch I. And what do you see?
I see passion, I feel pity. Your expression, ecstasy or fury, curiously the same.
Cut to the core, nerve ending. Would do anything, for me.
The greatest flash of power a man can experience. Mixed with the deepest fucking shame.
You saw how easily I discarded the others.
You stood up for me, unthinking.
Unconditionally trusting.
What made you think I’d treat you any different, my blue-eyed, my baby?
This is the power you hold over me: I want to trap your face between my hands and scream. Amplified, mega watt, loud roar. I want my voice to echo in your eternity until there’s no space for anything not me. Until your ears are ringing and they’ll ring forever. Drowned by my sound and you’ll never hear again.
This is the power you hold over me. Invite me balls deep, wet slick close. Swallow the pain, beg for more, fucking into you again and again. When you were young, all jugular veins and adams apple, swollen lips and yearning to give up to me, a neck I grazed my hand across through fascination. Blue eyes meet blue as I grasped tight. You choked out my name and let your head fall on the pillow. Squeezed tight and you’re throbbing. Coming again and again to the ecstasy/fury of a little death by the hand I still don’t understand why you loved so much.
You’d still look at me loving. Even if I did fucking kill you, lay on my lap bleeding out, even as the dying light behind those beautiful wounded eyes was fading, I’d see it in your soul shining: unbearable, unfathomable, unconditional.
Even if I plunged my hands in your chest and ripped out your heart.
you’d clutch for me with your last breath.
Bathing me clean with steady stream of tears. Forgiving over and over, eternity.
A battle I can’t win.
And so I can’t have you.
And, if I can’t, nobody can.
I remember the first time I hit you to hurt.
I had to, someone had to teach you a lesson. Only, I didn’t mean it to come out the way it came.
It crack collided with bone, and your mouth flew open, spraying saliva mixed blood.
And the pain reverberated in my soul, that I was capable of it.
And it was only fair, that you hit me back.
Just as hard.
Hard enough to have me all gone and you to have done it.
I wanted left only you, and my corpse, and the dawning realisation of what you’d done sending shockwaves behind those gorgeous blank-blue eyes.
But it didn’t.
You couldn’t.
Law of the jungle is kill or get killed, my darling. And so you are a liability.
I wear the mask but you can never hide your hurt, angel; a crystal clear river stream. It is not that you are perfect, but your crimes are inadvertent. The angel will read off a rap sheet of not indictment but apology at the pearly gates.
I wanted you to kill me, but you could only love me again.
And bathed in the glow of your undying light, I knew nothing else but to grow cold.
Scream yourself hoarse on stage
Ineffectual death rattle of this imploding phenomenon we are powerless to change
There is anger in your eyes
But it is only a toddler screaming because he is being denied
for a reason he cannot fathom
And so if I can’t have you - and I can’t - then I have to make absolute sure that nobody else can.
And the worst part is, you’ll let me.
Because you know and I know, before you had the world that you never wanted, before the world that wanted you was allowed to soak you up with their greedy hands and gaze - before that, you were mine alone.
and, for you, that would still be enough.