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"Good girl."
It was without thought that Xena bestowed this title upon her. As casually as though it was her name.
Gabrielle froze instantly, like she'd been struck by a juggernaut. She blinked several times at Xena, trying to clear away any vision of this dream - for surely, it must be a dream - and wake herself up before her heart palpitations did.
"What?" she asked with a gulp, when it dawned that this was real, and she really did just hear Xena call her that. But did she? Might she have misheard?
Xena didn't look away from the sword she was sharpening. The whetstone Gabrielle just handed her sat in her palm and slid down the metal rhythmically, and the sound of it was not an answer to Gabrielle's question, but that sound was all she got.
Gabrielle remained patiently waiting for confirmation anyway.
Xena glanced up at her when Gabrielle had been standing silently for too long, and rolled her eyes in a way that was without energy. "You heard me. Are you fishing for compliments or something?"
"N-no," Gabrielle replied automatically. And when she answered so, it was the truth. But as she finished uttering it, it became a lie. And she became determined to have Xena repeat the title. She desperately wanted to hear it again, for reasons she didn't care to ponder yet.
She tried lamely to coax it out of her again. "I just wasn't sure I heard you right…"
Xena was unmoved.
Gabrielle tried again, as subtly as she could think to in the moment. "…Maybe, you have an accent or something. How exactly did you pronounce it again?"
Xena eyed her coldly. And that look was enough to put an end to the compliment fishing. Gabrielle relented with a shrug and lifted her palms lightly in compliance, hopefully, giving the impression that she really didn’t care so much. Xena didn’t have the patience to indulge her, clearly. But that was fine, she could put up with the warrior's mood, as long as she hadn't detected the reason behind Gabrielle's delicate attempts at ruse.
She went on sharpening her sword in silence, satisfied that the conversation might as well be over. In her disappointment, Gabrielle stepped away to begin the work of setting up a fire.
While she was several yards from camp, and bending down to retrieve branches from the ground, her mind raced.
She tried to recall the last time she'd been called that.
She remembered, once, when she was very young. It might not have been the last time, or the first time, but it was the most recent and most prominent memory she could draw up from the well of her early years.
She and Lila were in some childish fight. Over some inconsequential object. A toy, perhaps, but it might have been any subject of a child's fascination. Gabrielle only remembered that she had it, and Lila was crying, reaching for it. Gabrielle was taller, and the thing in her hand was unreachable. She remembered gloating. And then, an even taller figure reaching from behind to pull the thing out of her hand. Her mother.
'Gabrielle,' she had admonished her, 'play nice.'
She frowned, embarrassed and angry, and turned to Lila to offer her the sort of weak apology of any child who isn’t really sorry, but must appease a nearby adult.
Her mother patted her gently over her shoulder. Her hands felt huge against Gabrielle's small body. Like a calf smothered by the weight of a heavy yoke. 'Good girl,' her mother said, satisfied by her compliance. Then she handed the toy, or whatever it was, down to Lila. Lila grinned and thanked their mother, but as soon as she was gone, stuck out her tongue goadingly at Gabrielle, and darted away.
And up until this moment, Gabrielle thought that the term 'good girl' could only ever feel the way it did when applied this way.
An empty reward for obedience.
Hollow and meaningless. A compliment meant to encourage young girls to be well behaved, without actually rewarding such behavior with treats, or favors.
It was also a compliment meant for dogs and cows.
Gabrielle had never found any sort of delight at the term. It was insulting, if anything, to be told by someone that she was behaving well, in the way a cow being milked was well behaved. Especially if that someone ever happened to not be her mother. She could remember once a boy her own age had teasingly called her a 'good girl', and she kicked him in the shin. She could also remember that boy getting off scot-free, and her mother raising her voice and yanking Gabrielle by the sleeve to impart that in that moment Gabrielle was not a good girl, not at all.
It was a term of endearment so easily retracted.
One moment she was a good girl, the next she was a spiteful, cruel, ungrateful girl. All depending on her obedience versus her mother's mood.
But she was years away from that now. Gabrielle was a grown woman. Maybe not as grown as all that, but she'd been traveling through the rough outdoors with Xena for some few months now. She'd seen and done incredible things in that time. She was an amazon princess now; she had the right to consider herself grown. And any satisfaction she ever could have gotten from an endearment like that should be nothing to her now.
A compliment for little girls and dogs alike was beneath Gabrielle.
And yet…
Gabrielle had much too much wood in her arms now. She'd been so distracted in her musings that she had automatically grabbed too much. Her arms were tired now, and she had to return to camp before they failed under the weight of a hundred twigs.
Xena was undoing all the loops and belts from Argo's saddle and reins. The mare snorted softly as Gabrielle approached. She frowned back at the horse in return. Gabrielle was too accustomed to interpreting all the horse's gestures as disdainful. It made it easy to be disdainful right back. But truthfully, Gabrielle couldn't guess what the animal's true thoughts and feelings were. She was only slightly more readable than her mistress.
Xena was more preoccupied by Argo than by Gabrielle's reentry into camp. She was whispering some secret conversation with the animal. Gabrielle couldn't hear the words, but she could detect that soft and slight air in her tone. That one she only ever used for Argo. Reminiscent of the way most masters spoke to their beasts when they cared deeply for them.
It was a curious thing. Whenever Gabrielle heard that very particular tone from Xena, she found herself tensing. Trying very hard not to listen, out of some strange anger she herself couldn’t detect the source of. But also, committing each syllable of her soft whispers to memory to pore over later.
Gabrielle doggedly refused to pay them any attention now. Whatever praise the horse had earned was none of her business, and she didn't care. Instead, she began the work of setting up the fire.
She had learned long ago how to do it the specific way Xena wanted it: kindling at the bottom, and bigger twigs arranged in a cone outside them. Xena said something about how that setup burned more efficiently than the way Gabrielle had first done it, setting it up like a hearth fire. Gabrielle had mastered the art of campfire-making weeks ago, and what did she have to show for it? Zilch. Not even a 'good job, Gabrielle'.
Well, it was at least better than being condescended. Told to 'just improve'. She glanced for a moment over at Xena, who was still turned away from her, and adoring Argo with gentle pets and praise.
Gabrielle found herself unreasonably disappointed by this inattention. It almost felt like Xena was deliberately doing it, too. She looked away from her again. It was embarrassing to care so much what Xena thought. But even if she knew it was stupid, she couldn't help hoping that Xena would turn around, look at the way she'd arranged the sticks, and smile approvingly, saying…
"Good girl…"
Gabrielle's grip slipped when her whole body flinched, and all the sticks went loudly tumbling over against the side of her hand. But she ignored it.
She whipped her head around. She needed to see that Xena was talking to her.
Xena was still facing Argo, and gently rubbing her fingers over her snout as she scratched her. Argo was leaning into her mistress' hand gratefully, although the horse could hardly be starved for affection. The tenderness of Xena petting her horse was perhaps the most tenderness Gabrielle had seen her share with anyone.
Gabrielle was never more jealous of an animal.
Xena hadn't turned her attention away from her horse even when Gabrielle made that little ruckus with the firewood just then. The only change in her was a grin that had suddenly stretched across those sharp lips of hers. There could be no question who the smile was for, since Xena still had her gaze and hands on the animal's face. She was smiling at the horse. But it was also, Gabrielle realized, very similar to the way Xena looked at her when she did something Xena found amusing. Or when one of her schemes played out exactly how she planned.
Yes, Gabrielle knew those subtle smiles well.
But Gabrielle couldn't interpret the look without feeling sheepish. She looked away from Xena again, this time determining herself to not dare another pathetic glance while she attempted to reconstruct the firewood.
She wasn't sure really why she wanted so badly to hear Xena call her a 'good girl' again.
Xena wasn't her mother, - gods no - it didn't feel at all like it had felt to hear that title coming from her mother. It didn’t feel like she was being placated into obedience. It felt like…
Xena wasn't one of those rude young boys Gabrielle's own age, and the way she had called her by the moniker was anything but teasing. It didn't feel like Xena was trying to insult her. It felt like…
What did it feel like?
Well… it felt good. It felt really good to hear Xena call her a good girl. But gods, how pathetic was that? Gabrielle was not an animal, waiting on Xena's whims and obeying her orders like a dog. She wasn't. She was an adult, who shouldn't need to be praised with titles meant for children in order to feel good.
But…
She imagined herself in the mare's place. Imagined that after a long day of travel, fighting by Xena's side, and setting up the campfire and bedrolls, Xena would deign to lavish her with the attention she so easily was offering the horse.
Xena might cup her chin, and lower her face toward hers. She might take her thumb and rub it down the side of her cheek, as Xena was doing now with Argo. She might press her forehead to hers. She might pet her hair. And then, she would acknowledge her. Appreciate her for all the tireless work she'd done that day, and make it all worthwhile by offering her that most sacred of titles.
Gabrielle coughed to disguise the pathetic sigh that struggled out of her against her will. Xena turned just slightly toward her at the sound, but that was the extent of her attention for the evening.
Dinner was a mess that night. Gabrielle couldn’t stop herself from fussing. Wiping her hands down the surface of her skirt, taking the smallest bites of meat she could and holding them close to her mouth in her fidgeting hands. Her own thoughts were so distracting she didn't notice herself twiddling so. If Xena noticed her peculiar behavior, she didn’t comment on it.
When the fire was dimming, and she and Xena were both laying quietly in the darkness, Gabrielle caught sight of the pale form of Argo standing blasély at the edge of the clearing.
As if sensing her gaze, the horse raised her neck and turned her ears toward Gabrielle.
Gabrielle glared at the horse.
The next morning, Gabrielle was determined to earn the title from Xena again.
She did everything she could. She got up before Xena, and got to work quietly packing up their things so they'd be ready to leave the moment she woke. And once she did wake up, Gabrielle asked her about her sleep, if it was good, if she dreamed. Xena seemed irritated by the inquisition, so Gabrielle backed off a bit then, praying she hadn’t messed it all up. But within minutes, Xena's mood was good again. Well, as good as it ever got, anyway. Even Xena's best mood was never quite jovial.
Gabrielle pressed on all the more earnestly.
Gabrielle offered to fetch some breakfast, but Xena declined, saying that they were near enough to their destination they could eat there for breakfast once they arrived. This plan was an inconvenience to Gabrielle, who was already hungry, but she bit her tongue.
When they started off again on their journey, Gabrielle followed behind Xena and at no point ever complained about her hunger, or her aching neck. Even though she was pretty hungry, and her neck was so stiff she could hardly turn her head.
Xena hadn't seemed to pay her any special attention yet. Taking her impeccable behavior as a given, and not for the exhausting effort it was. But it was still early, and there would be plenty more opportunities later to be acknowledged. Xena was smart, after all. Surely, she noticed all the extra care Gabrielle was taking. But she wasn't commenting on it.
Maybe this was a test of her sincerity. Xena was such a harsh critic of everything, of course it would take more than a morning of not complaining to earn her approval.
Gabrielle was not deterred. If she could earn the title once, she could earn it again.
They arrived at a small town within an hour of travel. Gabrielle was relieved. Finally, they would be eating breakfast, and then at least one of her many irritants would be dealt with.
Xena lowered herself out of the saddle and thrust Argo's reins into Gabrielle's hand unexpectedly. "We won't be staying long, but find a post somewhere to hitch her to, will you?" And without waiting for an answer, Xena walked off.
"Sure thing, whatever you say!" Gabrielle called as Xena disappeared. She frowned as she turned to the animal. Since when was this a thing Xena delegated to her? Xena was very particular about Argo, and hadn't trusted her much with her care since that incident several weeks ago. What had suddenly changed? Gabrielle knew she should probably be grateful to be trusted, but it felt more like that same brushing off Xena had been doing.
Gabrielle shrugged and eyed the horse. "Well, at least she's not doting on you right now either. Come on."
This could be a good opportunity, she decided as she walked Argo over to a post outside a tavern. She could show Xena that she had improved.
Wait. How did that knot go again? Was it a loop, over and under? Or was it… no, that wasn't right.
Gabrielle was on attempt number eight of the knot when she started to panic. She'd seen Xena tie this knot so many times, why had she never paid attention to how she did it? It was costing her now.
She settled for the only knot she knew, and hoped it would be good enough. Luckily, Argo didn't seem to be in any kind of mood to wander off anyway. But Gabrielle remained by her side, eyeing the knot, and contemplating whether it would be better to leave it as it was or spend more time righting it. Either way, she could envision Xena criticizing her.
In the end, it wasn’t a decision she had to make.
Xena came up unannounced behind her, only making herself known by speaking as she brushed past her into the establishment. "Come on" she commanded emotionlessly.
"…Hi, Xena. Nice to see you too" she muttered under her breath as she followed after.
Inside the tavern there was only a small amount of patrons, gathered for their morning meals. Far too early for anyone to be loud or drunk. The atmosphere was pleasant.
As Xena walked past an empty table she thumped her palm against it. "Wait here" she ordered over her shoulder as she walked over to the barkeeper.
So… now she wasn't even allowed to follow Xena into the dangers of a bar, she thought bitterly.
But Xena had left no room for argument. And she was now already engaged in some conversation with the owner that Gabrielle couldn't hear. She grumbled wordlessly to herself and then ultimately sat down at the table to wait patiently for Xena to return.
She tapped her fingers on the surface of the table as she waited, still watching Xena from across the room.
Gabrielle attempted to read their lips as the two spoke, but couldn't for the life of her understand anything. She thought she saw the man mouth the word 'Xena', with some recognition in his eyes as he did. He'd heard of her, clearly. And her recent do-gooding, since he wasn’t cowering in fear. But he still darted his eyes questioningly across the bar in Gabrielle's direction at some point during the introductions. He didn't recognize her. In the midst of her examination, she was shocked to see Xena laugh. It was just a soft, reserved chuckle, but it commanded all of Gabrielle's attention from her seat across the room.
Just as she was wrapping her head around the fact that Xena could laugh, she felt waves of emotion rush through her. Just what could she be laughing at anyway?
…At her?
In the midst of Gabrielle's scrutiny, Xena turned and lightly gestured her thumb to where she was seated at the table. Then, the barkeeper laughed. Much more heartily.
Gabrielle blushed angrily and tore her gaze away from them to look down at her folded hands. She didn’t look up when Xena returned and set a full plate down between them.
"Eat up" Xena ordered, nudging the plate closer to her.
Gabrielle had had just about enough of all this.
She could still remember the thrill that had rushed through her upon hearing those two words from Xena. But it wasn’t worth all this humiliation. No siree, she wasn't about to spend the whole day submissively at Xena's beck and call, waiting to be given the slightest of praise in return. This had been unpleasant enough as it was, and she was already sick to death of pretending to be okay with it.
She opened her mouth and looked up from her hands to say so.
Then she saw the plate of food.
A dozen tiny pastries sat arranged in a circle on the plate. Each covered in the snow of powdered sugar, and leaking their jelly fillings out just slightly at the sides. She could feel a slight heat radiating off of them, and the smell of the freshly baked dough wafted warmly into Gabrielle's face as she licked her lips.
She squinted back over at Xena with suspicion. "What's the occasion?"
Xena shrugged and looked away in disinterest at a far wall. "No occasion. Apparently, the baked goods are a gimmick of this place. I figured you'd be hungry. Was I wrong?" she asked, looking into Gabrielle's eyes with a strange smugness.
"No! No, I… thank you. It looks delicious." She reached for one, but hesitated, still unable to shake the feeling there was some catch.
Xena had been inattentive and brusque for… well honestly, since the very beginning. Sure, the warrior had her moments of graciousness. But she was not affectionate. And recently coming into the world as her more heroic self had done nothing to nullify the standoffish nature she had grown into from years and years of bad deeds. At least, that's what Gabrielle had thought.
She was realizing now that Xena could be… surprisingly courteous.
And Gabrielle could only wonder whether this change in her behavior was new, or simply from inclinations that had already existed in her, suddenly let free. It didn't really matter. One thing was certain: this was a change for the better.
How much more would Xena change if Gabrielle could stick around to watch?
Her thoughts were interrupted when Xena spoke. "Eat," she ordered again, but not unkindly, "before they get cold."
Gabrielle found herself grinning happily. Now there was a command she wouldn’t mind following. She took one of the bite sized pastries and popped it into her mouth.
It was delicious, of course. The jelly filling was raspberry, and worked wonders beside its companions: the dough and powdered sugar. And the whole morsel was so soft in her mouth. She broke it into a mush as she chewed, and moaned gladly in appreciation as the tastes all melded together on her tongue.
As she swallowed, she realized that Xena was watching her. Intensely.
Was she waiting for some approval?
"It's really good!" she said, wiping some stray bits of powdered sugar off her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Mmmm…" Xena hummed thoughtfully, following the motion of Gabrielle's hand, and then tongue, as Gabrielle licked off the tasty mess. Suddenly she rose from her chair.
She snatched up the plate, along with all those tasty morsels of sweets, and started toward the door.
Gabrielle blinked dumbly. "Hey! I wasn't done!"
Stopping just short of the exit, Xena glanced over her shoulder back at her, barely making eye contact. "Stay here, I'm taking Argo, I'll be back later."
Not much in the way of an explanation. Gabrielle frowned and pushed her chair back as she stood up from it. "Can't I come with-"
"Gabrielle," Xena snapped, "behave."
Stunned, Gabrielle fell back against her chair and shut her mouth into a hard line. Xena took her leave once she was satisfied.
What was with her?
First she was inconsiderate, then thoughtful, and now she was right back to brushing her off again. Gabrielle couldn’t keep up with the mysterious ebb and flow of Xena's mood.
And she was still hungry.
A coil was tightening in her stomach, and Gabrielle did her best to temper it with rationality. 'She's probably doing whatever this is for a good reason,' she told herself as she tapped her foot incessantly on the floor under her chair. 'I'm sure she'll explain it later. Maybe they were poisoned. Or cursed. Maybe they're some obscure warlord's favorite dessert.'
When the sun was casting shadows to the east across the streets outside, Gabrielle allowed herself to finally consider that maybe she had been bereft of a delicious doughy treat for no good reason.
She'd kept herself moderately well fed on a much more lacking tavern meal after finally giving up on Xena coming back with her sweets. By then, the owner informed Gabrielle that he didn't serve fresh baked goods after noon. She made do with a bland meal, made all the more bland for how much she seethed while eating it.
She spent a good portion of the day mingling. She figured, hoped rather, that Xena was up to something important. And so she sought out leads, information, rumors, anything of the sort. No, there was no secret nefarious gang of pastry poisoners. No, there wasn't an evil witch cursing all the most delicious looking food in town. Nothing like any of that. And nothing that would explain Xena's strange hurry to leave Gabrielle alone and pastry-less.
And yet, she still looked up hopefully toward the hitch post outside the tavern every time she heard the telltale sound of hoofbeats. The third time she did this, it actually was Xena.
She expected herself to be angry with her, but seeing Xena return somehow momentarily assuaged all her frustration and irritation. She smiled when she saw her ride in and dismount Argo, and she traipsed up to her briskly and eagerly while Xena's back was turned.
Then she saw Xena run her hand softly down Argo's long golden neck, adoring her gently in that quiet moment.
And all her anger resurfaced.
Gabrielle walked up to her, her feet falling hard against the creaking wood floor with each step. Xena surely must have heard her, but didn't turn to face her until she spoke.
"Where were you?"
Xena barely looked at her, still petting Argo. "Hi, Gabrielle. Nice to see you too." Her tone was mocking. So smug and self-assured and… and…
"We need to talk about this" Gabrielle said finally.
"About what?" Xena asked, finally turning to face her fully, but sounding very disinterested still. Gabrielle took a deep breath, preparing herself to recite the speech she'd been preparing for hours before. About how this treatment was making her feel, and what was gonna have to change. Then Xena interrupted her by shoving Argo's reins at her. "Here. I know where we can talk."
Xena didn’t even look over her shoulder to see if Gabrielle was following her. She clasped her hands lazily behind her head as she headed down a short path away from the main street. Gabrielle growled and quickly tied Argo's reins to the post before stomping after her.
By the time she caught up to Xena's long strides, the sounds of the evening bustle of the town were a faint hum of indiscernible activity. Gabrielle would have gladly discussed this matter in front of an audience, she didn't need privacy, she just needed to be paid some attention for the love of-
"You were right, by the way," Xena said over her shoulder as she rested her arms at her sides once more, "they were really good."
Somehow, that was the last straw.
Gabrielle grabbed Xena's arm and yanked it, forcing her to face her. She jammed her finger angrily up against Xena's breastplate, and stood on her tiptoes to get as uncomfortably close as she could.
"I have had it!" she shouted. "You've been acting like this all day! I don't have to do you favors all the time, you know! I do it because we're friends, and that's how friends treat each other! It's how I'd like to be treated! But you just keep deliberately pushing me away, and reeling me back just enough that I still try. It's like you're doing this to me on purpose! Like you're messing with me or… some…thing…"
She trailed off as her thoughts whirled around a sudden profound discovery she just reached.
Xena smiled in that self-satisfied way, pulling her lips up so that she was confident, and patiently staring back at Gabrielle, waiting for her to understand.
"You…" Gabrielle inhaled sharply and let her breath out with a roar. "You knew?!"
"Oh, was it supposed to be a secret?" Xena asked, overtly teasing her now that the jig was up. "Sorry, let me act surprised." She tilted her head and lifted her fingers to her mouth as she put on the appearance of being shocked. "Oh, Gabrielle, you mean to tell me that you crave attention and praise? Why, I never!"
Gabrielle frothed with anger, but could do no more than that.
Xena softened her sarcasm when she saw how angry she was, but her good humor didn’t leave her. She reached her hand toward her in a gesture of kindness. "Gabrielle-"
Gabrielle smacked her hand away, and pointed angrily back at her, right between her eyes. "Oh I'm sure it's so funny, isn't it?" she barked. "it's so pathetic, isn’t it? And of course someone like you would never need to be praised by anyone, would you?"
"Gabrielle-"
"Of course not! Because everyone already does praise you!" Gabrielle raged, getting more angry now. She pushed her finger closer to Xena, and the warrior actually took a single step back. Gabrielle was emboldened by this, and got even more uncomfortably close. "How many times do you hear people chanting your name? thanking you for all your work, even when I help! How many times do you meet someone for the first time, and find they're already smitten with you? tripping over themselves to kiss your feet!" Xena opened her mouth, probably to say her name again, but Gabrielle interrupted her before she could get even that far this time. "Nobody even remembers my name! I'm just 'Xena's sidekick'! How do you think that feels, huh?! Huh, Xena?!"
"Gabrielle."
"What?!"
Xena snagged her wrist and held it firmly in her clutch. Gabrielle tried to smack her with her other hand, but Xena grabbed that one too. Gabrielle squirmed angrily in her hands. Xena still held her wrists in her tight grip as she slowly lowered them to the level of her hip.
"Gabrielle," she began once more, and this time she wasn't interrupted. "I know you think it's cruel, but I wanted to teach you a lesson."
"'Teach me a lesson'?!" Gabrielle fumed. "Listen to yourself! For gods' sake, you aren't my mo-"
"You shouldn't obey people just for the reward," Xena went on, unbothered. "Especially not if you don’t like what they're asking you to do. That goes for anyone. Even me. Especially me."
Gabrielle blinked up at her in confusion. "So, you don't want me to do what you say? That's why you were messing with me? Because I was too obedient? Gods, Xena, you're such a-"
But then, Xena released her. Her hands relaxed their hold, but didn't leave Gabrielle. They traced higher up and squeezed tenderly at her forearms, thumbing over that soft skin. It was meant to be a calming motion, but the gesture was anything but calming. All the same, Gabrielle was caught in a silent stupor.
Xena had never held her so intimately close, except in brief moments between some strenuous and serious effort. Now, the closeness was deliberate, and tender, and… wanted. Gabrielle felt dizzy. And even dizzier once Xena started to whisper gently against her. In that tone that up until now had always been reserved for Argo.
"Everyone has their own idea of what it is to be 'good'," she said. "Even us…"
Gabrielle couldn’t understand her. Her mind was buzzing with sensation.
"And sometimes, what you and I think may not align."
"I…" Gabrielle swallowed. "I don't understand."
"You shouldn't follow me blindly, Gabrielle" she said. "I won't always be right."
All her anger was gone now. She wanted to say, 'I want to follow you blindly!', she wanted to say, 'I want you to be the one to tell me right from wrong, because I trust you more than anybody else. Even myself'. But she couldn’t speak. When she tried, all she managed was a quivering little sound. One that Gabrielle desperately hoped didn’t give away how she felt in that moment.
"You should trust your own judgement. Learn from me if you're uncertain. But never… submit yourself to my whims just to earn 'goodness points'. Not for me, or anyone. Do what you think is right."
Gabrielle couldn’t think that anything sounded more appealing than submitting to Xena right now, but she didn't contradict her.
"I'll admit, it feels nice to have you do every little thing I ask, but, I'm not going to abandon you if you don't. You don't need to bend over backwards to stay on my good side. You're already a good girl, Gabrielle. You don't need me to give you that title."
She was going to faint. She was going to topple over and faint any second now.
The soft rhythm of her voice, gliding over those sacred words. 'A good girl', she'd said. A good girl. A good girl.
With no small amount of effort, Gabrielle swallowed the lump in her throat. "I-I just… It's nice to hear when you think so."
Xena raised her eyebrow at her and smirked. "Is it now?"
"Yeah…" she sighed, quickly losing all remaining composure. She cleared her throat and tried again. "You know, since I uh… since I'm trying to learn from you anyway it… feels good to get positive feedback."
Xena hummed thoughtfully, and lifted one hand daringly higher, to trace her knuckles along Gabrielle's cheek. "Gabrielle, if I praised you every time you deserved it, you'd be absolutely spoiled."
Gabrielle found herself needing to swallow again. But more important was her need to breathe, which had gone ignored for a bit too long. She took a shaky breath. "Can't you… couldn't you spoil me just a little bit? Every now and then?"
"You and your haggling…" Xena smirked, shaking her head in amusement and looking off into the distance. Her eyes met hers again, and after a beat, she reached some decision. "Alright."
Xena lifted her unoccupied hand to run through the tresses of Gabrielle's golden hair, petting her like a beloved creature. Her hands were so gentle. It was the most that Xena had ever touched her before. Gabrielle thought she might die.
"You're a good girl, Gabrielle. You're such a good girl" Xena told her softly, in that easy cadence she'd never used for her before. "…My good girl…" she added more quietly. It almost sounded teasing. Maybe it was. Gabrielle didn't care. It was all she wanted.
Then, abruptly, Xena dropped her hands away from her, and stepped away. "Satisfied?" she asked, no hint of the tenderness from before, but still with some of the amusement. How quickly she re-established their boundaries. Returning them both to a more natural distance. Mere friends once again.
A reminder that all this affection was nothing more than a joke to her.
The sudden coldness taking over the space where a moment ago Xena was holding her and whispering sweetly to her, felt like the sting of an arctic blizzard. For a moment, it crushed her.
And yet she felt warm. Like there was a fire emanating from within her, sourced where Xena's hands had been a second ago. The memory of Xena's touch left happiness in its wake. It braced her against the cold of Xena's absence. Actually… there might have been a physical heat inside her, not just a metaphorical one. Her whole body was burning, and melting, and freezing. Her face was hot with blush, and her arms were covered in goosebumps where her little downy hairs stood on end. Her blood was running hotly all across her body, and the hairs at the nape of her neck were tingling with an unknown chill. Cold at the peaks on her bosom, and heat down below.
Oh dear.
The physical consequences of hearing Xena call her a 'good girl' would probably have to be addressed later. Once she had some privacy.
Gabrielle blushed awkwardly and averted her gaze, but a smile grew across her mouth. She bit down on her lip to stifle it. No need for Xena to know just how happy those words really made her.
"Yeah…" she nodded, "I'm satisfied."
Xena's eyes drifted over her, in search of something. Taking in Gabrielle's nervous state, but hopefully, not its source. "Come on, let's get going. I have business in the next town, if we ride now, we can make it before nightfall."
She nodded and trotted up to follow along behind her. The timid sort of awkwardness she felt faded as she walked beside Xena. Her proximity to the warrior transmuted those uncomfortable emotions away until the discomfort had been distilled into a buzz of glee.
Knowing that Xena's affections would only ever come disingenuously didn’t faze her enough to combat the excitement of receiving those false affections. She was pleased, despite everything. If this was as much tenderness as she'd ever get from Xena, she would be grateful for that much. More than grateful.
Gabrielle internally marveled at how easy it was for the nervous flutter in her heart to become such a strong confident rhythm.
She smiled at nothing in particular.
They returned to Argo, and Xena hoisted herself up into the saddle after quickly untying that lazy knot attaching her horse to the post. As she urged Argo along down the road, she reached for a tweed pouch tied with the supplies behind the saddle. Gabrielle watched her do this, but was still surprised when Xena tossed it into her hands. She caught it, and felt a strange weight inside.
"What's this?" she asked as she opened it. Xena didn't answer, but she didn’t need to. A moment later Gabrielle had reached inside and felt the soft doughy skin of a powdered pastry.
"You didn't eat them all?" she asked in amazement, promptly stuffing one into her mouth.
"Nah. Too sweet for me. I had enough to not be hungry, and I left the rest for you."
"It was mean of you to take them away, and make me think you ate them all" Gabrielle accused, with a mouth still half full of pastry.
"Yeah, I guess I was pretty mean to you today" she shrugged, with no real indication she was sorry. "Will you forgive me if I buy you more of those next time we ride through town?"
"Deal."
She didn't really need a bribe to forgive her. All her anger and frustration was already gone. Already she was forgetting why she'd been so mad in the first place.
Xena's behavior toward her hadn't been all that unusual, really. That was how their relationship had been in the beginning, more or less. But after the months they'd been together, Gabrielle had been quite proud of herself for working her way up to really being a friend to her.
Having Xena treat her like things were right back to square one had been… aggravating, discouraging, and insulting.
Of course, Xena must have known all this long before Gabrielle started analyzing it. That was why she'd done this. To tease her, to dangle that carrot just out of reach. The joke of it all was that of course things would never really be that way between them again. They had both changed too much to go back to that stage. They were a little bit more to each other than that now. From here they would grow closer, not further apart.
"You know, I think I finally figured it out" she mused aloud.
"Oh? What's that?" Xena asked, sounding vaguely disinterested as she watched the road stretch on ahead of them. But Gabrielle knew, despite her feign at boredom, Xena wouldn't be asking if she didn't care.
"What it feels like," she answered with a shrug. "I couldn't quite put my finger on it before, but now I know."
"How cryptic" Xena muttered dully.
Gabrielle smiled silently to herself, walking with the bounce in her step of someone privy to a fun little secret. Xena looked back at her and frowned.
"Well? Care to share?"
"Can't. You'd ruin it."
Xena rolled her eyes and shook her head, resigning herself to stop caring.
If she were to tell Xena how it felt to hear those words, she'd never say them again.
But for now, Gabrielle could continue her journey beside her, frolicking with the contentment of those pleasant words washing over her. Soaking in the waves of that hot emotion they invoked.
Because even just remembering her saying it sent shivers up her back.
That deep, rumbling cadence of hers, caressing softly each syllable of 'good girl'. That softness by which she said it, the smile on her lips, the knowing glint in her eyes. When she bestowed this title upon her, when she said those words that way…
It felt like Xena was her lover.
As she trailed faithfully behind her, Gabrielle played those words over and over in her mind, growing giddier and giddier. The smile plastered on her lips stayed right where it was long into the evening, and well into the night, and grew all the wider as she lay sleeping that night, dreaming.