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Dean has been thinking about this for too long. He should just go for it, for fuck's sake. Otherwise this is never going to work out.
But what if Castiel thinks he's being too straight forward?
Hell, this is so much easier with girls.
But still, Castiel had agreed to meet up at his place this afternoon, and not in town like all the times before. Maybe he should make a move.
Castiel sits next to him, their knees are almost touching but not quite. Still, Dean feels like there is an electric current running through his legs. He can feel how close Castiel is. If he just moved his leg a centimetre... but how does he make it inconspicuously? And what if Castiel doesn't want this after all? Maybe he just considers Dean a good friend. But it's impossible that he hasn't noticed all the times Dean has tried to awkwardly flirt with him.
Fuck this. If he doesn't want this he will tell me off.
Dean pretends to stretch his back, reaching his arms wide over his head. Then he rests his left arm on the backrest of the couch where Castiel sits.
Has he noticed?
Dean can hear his blood rushing in his ears.
Please, Cas, do something. Look at me. Move away. Lean your head back. Anything!
Castiel takes a deep breath and out of the corner of his eyes Dean sees him shifting his weight. But instead of moving away, like Dean had secretly anticipated, Castiel leans towards Dean. They still don't touch, but Dean's insides feel like they're melting. He feels all warm up to his fingertips, a funny tickle inside his muscles. He glances sideways and sees Castiel's messy dark hair, his jaw muscle twitching, his cheeks flushed pink, his straight nose, and his lips. Gosh, his lips. His beautiful, kissable lips. Pink and full and chapped.
He takes a deep breath. Dean catches himself staring at Castiel's lips a little too long, so when Castiel turns his head to look at him he quickly looks away, eyes fixed on the TV. He can feel a blush creeping it's way up his neck and onto his face.
Damn it! Cas sure as hell thinks I'm a creep now.
Dean scratches his neck with his free hand and concentrates on the TV. It's not like he takes anything in, he just needs somewhere to look at that is not his best friend. They're dangerously close now. If he could just shift a little...
“I need to go to the toilet.” Castiel announces.
“Sure.”
FUCK. Fuck this, he fucked up.
Cas noticed and now he wants to get away.
So he didn't want this.
Thank god I didn't do anything else.
Dean pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to calm down, breathing evenly through his nose.
This was nothing. We can still be friends.
I'll just have to move on, pretend this never happened.
Dean feels strangely alert, on edge. Adrenalin is pumping through his veins, he feels a little feverish.
Castiel returns after what seems like hours. Dean mentally prepares for him to sit on the opposite side of the couch, but instead Castiel sits down right next to him, leg to leg, arms touching. He leans back against the couch and continues watching as if this was nothing. As if Dean's insides hadn't turned into pudding the second Castiel's leg touched his.
Dean's eyes wander to where their legs touch, and he draws in a sharp breath. Castiel's hand lies on his thigh, palm up. As if … as if he wants to invite Dean to take it.
Bullshit.
Cas would never... or would he? Dean's breathing quickens and he feels his palm getting sweaty. He rubs them over his left thigh, trying to calm down. He accidentally brushes Castiel's leg, and then their hands meet. It's a short touch, barely there, but it makes Dean's head spin. He quickly pulls his hand back to safety.
Easy, Winchester.
He hears Castiel sigh next to him, and then there is a soft, unobtrusive touch to his thigh, just a finger, careful and shy. Castiel's finger rubs tiny circles on Dean's thigh, almost too soft to feel it.
Alright, here goes nothin'.
Mustering up all the courage he has, Dean moves his index finger to where he can feel Cas on his leg. His movements freeze when he feels Dean's finger. Then he continues to draw these tiny circles, just this time he moves up Dean's finger, slowly conquering the whole of his hand. They lie loosely on top of each other, both too shy to close their fingers around the other. Dean can feel something like a tingling sensation growing from the places where his skin meets Castiel. He stares at their hands, amazed at how they seem to fit together perfectly. His vision is a little dizzy and his guts feel squishy and hot. He's never been so nervous before.
Dean glances up to meet Castiel's eyes staring at him, taking everything in. The way his eyes are huge with wonder and a little watery from staying open for too long. The blush on his neck, how the freckles on his cheeks mirror in his eyes. His lips and the tongue that licks them nervously, leaving them shiny.
Cas looks away the second Dean's eyes meet his, but his fingers become more confident. His index finger brushes against Dean's thumb a little more forcefully, making the touch realer and more intense than before.
Dean breathes out sharply, as if he'd been hit in the chest. He can hardly control himself. All he wants to do is reach out to embrace Castiel with his arms, to breathe him in and hold him close where he can feel his heart beating against his ribs.
But instead he stays seated the way he is, shyly enjoying the brief touches he and Castiel are sharing.
Dean can feel his left arm falling asleep from being in an uncomfortable position on the back of the couch for too long. He considers his options, but pulling away would definitely result in mixed signals for Castiel. All he can do is put his arm right around Castiel's shoulders.
He takes a deep breath, and then another and another.
One, two, …
Dean could swear that he gets burns where his arm touches the skin on Castiel's neck directly. He doesn't dare looking at Castiel.
Is he uncomfortable? Does he want this?
Dean decides to take no reaction as a positive reaction just when Castiel leans against him and rests his head against Dean's shoulder.
His hand somehow locked fingers with Deans and he pulls his legs up.
If Dean tilted his head just slightly his cheeks would brush Castiel's hair.
He figures he's already in too deep to be shy about this now, so he turns his head and presses a breathy kiss on Castiel's hair. He breathes him in, seeps in the warmth that radiates from Castiel's head. His eyes flutter closed and he reaches around Castiel to pull him into a warm hug, lips still pressed in his hair. They stay like this for seconds before Castiel turns his head and begins placing tiny kisses along the line of Dean's collar bone. Dean shivers at how good this touch feels.
Slowly, Castiel's kisses become bolder as he works his way up Dean's throat. Dean's heart misses a beat when Castiel kisses him just below the jaw bone and he tilts his head back to give Castiel better access to that particular spot on his throat. Castiel gladly accepts the invitation and begins to gently suck at the sensitive skin, his tongue inquisitively exploring the curve of his jaw.
Dean sighs, his hands have somehow found their way to Castiel's neck, his fingers trace hot patterns into Castiel's already heated skin. He reaches up to massage his scalp, but halts his motions when Castiel moves his head again to proceed pressing kisses along his jawline. His hands follow his lips and soon Castiel gently holds Dean's head in place as he continue to caress him with his soft lips, breathing kisses into the skin around Dean's lips.
They're both out of breath despite not having moved at all, so they rest their foreheads against each other, Dean playing with the hair behind Castiel's reddened ears, Castiel softly cupping Dean's jaw, his fingertips pressing into the skin beneath his ears. Their eyes are closed, both breathing the same air in the intimate space between them.
Dean pulls in a shaky breath and tilts his head until his lips are just milimetres from Castiel's. It is Castiel who closes the space between them, and finally, finally their lips meet in a sweet and innocent kiss, soft and warm and everything that Dean has ever wanted.
Oh, how he had dreamed about this very moment, but now that it actually happens, they are actually kissing and Cas actually wants this, he feels he doesn't quite know what to do.
Carefully, he opens his lips just a little, moves them to another part of Castiel's mouth and lets them shut against the newly conquered patch of skin.
Castiel sighs and opens his lips, sticking out his tongue, which explores the softness that is Dean's lips.
Dean draws in a sharp breath, then replies to Castiel's advances by answering his tongue's touch with his own tongue, sharing the most amazing taste between the two of them.
Something clicks inside of him, and a growl escapes his lips as he sucks Castiel's lower lip between his, who in returns whimpers at the new sensation.
He pulls Dean's face closer to his, wanting more.
But then the moment is lost, and Dean feels like he's been showered in ice cold water. The guttural sound Castiel had just made was so full of desire and want, and Dean realized he was not prepared for that.
He was prepared for sweet kisses, for cuddling on the sofa, for holding hands and sharing food, but he was not prepared for Castiel pushing into his personal space, as little as was left of it, burying Dean underneath him.
“Cas” he breathes.
“Mmmh.”
“No, wait. Cas. Cas!” he sounds panicked now, his hands turned into fists in Castiel's shirt, pushing at his chest, fear and anxiety pouring off him in waves.
Castiel notices this shift in Dean's body language and sits back in his knees, giving Dean much needed space to breathe.
“Is.. is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? Oh God, I messed up, didn't I?” Castiel eyes Dean worriedly, who is having a hard time calming down.
“I'm sorry. I need air.”
Dean jumps to his feet and rushes through the living room and the open glass doors that lead into the garden. There he allows himself to relax, kneeling down and covering his face in his hands. He doesn't understand what's wrong with him. He had wanted this, wanted this for so long. Their kiss had been perfect, would've been perfect, had he not messed it up by some sudden urge to run away, to get some space between Castiel and himself as soon as his kisses had grown more demanding, clearly wanting more, but Dean wasn't ready to give him more.
Not yet, maybe not ever.
This realization hits him like lightning.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Slowly he calms down, and when he looks up he notices Castiel is standing in the doorway, looking at his warily.
“Do you – do you need something? Maybe water?” he asks almost shyly.
“No. No, I think I'm fine now.” Dean says standing up, but he's still a little shaky on his legs and Castiel rushes forward to steady him.
“I don't know your definition of fine, but this doesn't look like fine for me.”
He leads Dean in, holding him gently by the elbows, careful not to touch him anywhere else. Dean appreciates that, he does, but he's having a hard time collecting his thoughts, so talking isn't really an option right now.
What the hell just happened?
Everything had been fine one second, and the next he just felt the need to escape, to get away, to not be touched.
What had made the difference?
What is wrong with him?
“I'm really sorry.” he says once they're both seated on the couch, further apart than before. Castiel is allowing him personal space and again Dean is flooded by a wave of gratitude.
“No, Dean.” Castiel takes a deep breath.
“What?”
“I said no. You don't need to apologize, because you did nothing wrong.”
“What?”
“Listen, I should've known when to stop, that moving too fast would make you uncomfortable. It's my fault for not listening to what your body tried to tell me.”
Dean is speechless. Did Castiel just apologize to him?
Everything about this is wrong, since clearly, he was the one who messed up.
“But - “
“No, Dean.” Castiel cuts him off and smiles at Dean reassuringly.
Then, more hesitantly, he half stutters:“Can I – is it okay if I sit next to you, a little closer, I mean, is it okay for you if I -”
“C'mere, Cas.” Dean opens his arms in an invitation for Castiel to hug him.
Then Castiel is pressed flush against Dean, his body warmth seeping through their layers of clothes right into Dean's skin, he breathes hot into Dean's neck and circles his arms around Dean's waist in what can only be described as a death grip.
“I'm sorry.” Dean whispers.
“Me, too.” Castiel answers.
“Cas?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you're breaking my ribs.”
“Oh yeah, right, sorry, yeah.” Castiel blushes and lets go of Dean, already retreating to where he sat before Dean had pulled him into the hug, when Dean's hands clutch his shoulders and still his movements. Castiel freezes and stares back into Dean's eyes.
Dean can't help but flick his gaze to Castiel's lips, his wonderful lips, and suddenly feels the warm bubbly feeling he can't quite define flaring back to life.
“You know,” he says, all the while staring at Castiel's lips nonchalantly, “the kissing was quite all right.”
“Quite all right? Is that all?” Castiel's voice is breathier than before.
“More than quite all right. In fact, I enjoyed it very much. Awesome, even. But I would appreciate it if we kept to only kissing, for the moment. If that's okay with you, I mean, you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to.”
“Dean?”
“Hm?”
“Shut up.”
Then Castiel's lips are on Dean's and in that moment nothing else matters because Castiel is soft, sweet, even chaste, and stays like this, keeping at bay the fire that had scared Dean off before. His hands find Dean's neck, and he holds him there, deepening the kiss just a bit and Dean melts under his fingers. He feels giddy and before he knows what came over him, he is giggling into the kiss, which causes Castiel to pull away irritated.
"What's so funny?"
"This. Me. You. Us." Dean grins as Castiel. "This is really happening. You don't know how long I have waited for this to happen."
"You did?"
"Of course I did, you idiot. It's a wonder you didn't notice before, I thought I was being pretty obvious."
"Well, the others always said you had a thing for me, but I guess I just couldn't believe it."
"I do, you know. Have a a thing for you."
Castiel stares at Dean wide eyed, and Dean pulls him close, once again sealing their lips together.