Work Text:
“God, this is so fucked up,” Awsten says as Otto peppers kisses down his neck. Otto hums into the next kiss, sending pleasant tingles down Awsten’s spine. He doesn't say anything. He can’t, really, he probably knows Awsten's right. It's fucked up, so, so not part of their Plan, but they’re so far past the point of turning back that it doesn't even matter anymore.
Awsten pulls Otto up for a proper kiss. He tastes like the Black Forest cake they just had at the party. God Awsten hopes his friends believed their shitty excuses for leaving early.
Otto pulls away, probably to catch his breath. “You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this,” he says. Awsten really doesn’t, and that totally isn’t a terrifying thought. He does know there's always been something more between them, more than what was supposed to be. And he knows this is a bad idea, but he wasn't exactly thinking when he bumped into Otto in the bathroom on Geoff's 21st birthday party, and on impulse decided to kiss him stupid against the ugly off-white tiles.
He's slowly starting to lose the ability to focus on anything but Otto's lips moving against his. He's never been more thankful that his parents are out, considering he doesn’t really have the concentration to attempt to be quiet, especially when Otto proceeds to push him down onto his back and straddle his lap. When Otto pulls away, Awsten lets out an involuntary whine.
Otto chuckles. “Needy.” Awsten pouts, which just brings out even more laughter from Otto. “You got any condoms?” he asks.
Awsten nods. “Yeah, they’re in that drawer,” he says as he points to the right one. He can’t help the flush he feels spread across his cheeks and neck. God, he's twenty-one years old, he really shouldn’t be blushing at just the mention of condoms. Otto gets up to get one, and in the two second break Awsten’s brain is beginning to restart, because maybe he should really rethink this again. But then Otto's lips return to his neck and everything else starts to evaporate again.
---
The longer Awsten keeps lying there with his arms across his bare stomach, the closer he's getting to a major freak-out. The last of the high faded just about five minutes ago, and now Awsten feels like someone just dumped a bucket of icy water on him, because it's really starting to register what an awful awful awful idea this was. He's been staring at the ceiling – well, not actually the ceiling, just the bottom of the top bunk – for what feels like hours. Otto must realize what's happening, because he takes a deep breath.
“Nobody’s gonna find out about this,” he says. But no, no, that's...
“There isn’t anything to find out about. This,” he swallows. “This never happened.”
“Aws-“ Otto starts, but Awsten cuts him off.
“Don’t ‘Aws’ me! This is...” he takes a shaky breath. “Do you have any idea what we just did?! Our assigned roles to each other are supposed to be platonic, strictly platonic and definitely not involving kissing, let alone... Sleeping together. My romantic life course involves having a couple girlfriends, finding the one in my late twenties, and settling down with her. What it doesn’t involve is sleeping with my best friend when I'm twenty-one. It isn’t on my Plan, so it didn’t happen, because it can’t happen. Otto, you gotta understand that!”
Otto huffs. “You’re right. I know you’re right, and I know what happens to those who deviate, but I'm just saying, if nobody finds out...”
“No,” Awsten says as he sits up. He bends down to pick up his discarded underwear from next to the bed. “This did not happen. And it sure as hell isn't happening again.”
---
It hasn’t even been a week. It's been five days and now Awsten is grinding down against Otto's thigh in a bathroom stall of a Chipotle. It's the first time they’ve seen each other since the incident. They are so screwed.
“This place is... So gross,” he manages to say between rushed breaths. Otto's chest, pressed flush against his own, shakes with a chuckle.
“Not my fault you only kiss me in bathrooms,” he says, and yeah, now that Awsten thinks about it, he's right, the first time started in a bathroom too. Huh. “Wanna go somewhere more hygienic?” Otto continues with a smirk on his face and a promise in his voice. Awsten looks down to where their chests are still touching.
“We should talk first,” he says. His mind's a little clearer now.
Otto lifts an eyebrow. “Talk? What is there to talk about?”
It takes Awsten a moment to realize Otto's mocking him. He punches him in the shoulder. “Asshole! I'm serious, dude. It's like I can’t... This isn’t just a one time thing now, and if we don’t set any rules, it's. Someone might find out.”
Otto takes a step back and leans against the wall of the stall. “And we're doing that here? In a smelly and disgusting public bathroom stall?”
Awsten shrugs. “There’s nobody in here now, so, might as well.”
Otto crosses his arms and takes a deep breath. Okay, sure. So, what kinda rules were you thinking?”
Awsten thinks for a moment. “Well, there's the obvious. Nobody can know about it. Anyone even suspects, we end it. Completely. It's secrecy or nothing.” Otto nods his agreement. Awsten continues. “And this... This isn’t a relationship, it's a. Mutually beneficial agreement. We don’t go on dates, we aren't exclusive, and most importantly, no feelings. Nothing beyond platonic.”
“So, friends with benefits, basically?” Otto asks with an indecipherable look.
“Yeah, I guess. It's kind of a loophole around our life courses. We're still just friends, but we, y'know, have sex sometimes. Hopefully it's enough that if anyone were to find out...”
“We wouldn't get sent to memory therapy. Right. Makes sense.”
Awsten scratches the back of his neck. “Not that there's any danger of catching any feelings, though. At least not on my part. I'm not, y'know.”
Otto blinks at him. “Not what?”
“I'm not gay,” Awsten blurts out.
Otto stares at him for a second, expression unchanged. “Okay,” he says.
“I'm not. I like girls. Only girls. It's right there on my data sheet, I’m straight.”
“Never said you were anything else.”
Awsten feels like he just ate a handful of sawdust. “Well, yeah, but. Y'know. Just making things all clear. Just in case.” Otto doesn’t say anything to that, so Awsten clears his throat to break the awkward silence. “That's. That's it. Talking break's over.”
Otto smirks. “Are you trying to suggest that I take over now that the break’s over?”
Awsten resists the urge to groan, and instead takes a step forward, hand reaching for Otto's hip. “Oh yeah, talk Fall Out Boy to me, baby,” he says with an exaggerated, seductive voice. And calling Otto ‘baby' is not weird at all, Awsten’s done it dozens of times (jokingly, of course). Their situation doesn’t change anything.
Otto chuckles, and pulls him in for a long, filthy kiss that makes Awsten's insides quiver. Otto nips playfully at his bottom lip and pulls away. “We should probably go somewhere more private. My place sound good?”
Awsten nods, feeling flushed already. “Fuck, how are you so good at this?” he asks.
Otto laughs. “I think you just have low standards.”
Awsten doesn’t even try to fight that, even he knows there's some truth to it. He has dated basically every girl friend he's ever had. But it had never felt like this. Maybe it's cause Otto's a guy, and Awsten's not actually attracted to guys so it's playing a weird trick on his brain. But his thoughts are interrupted when Otto pushes the stall door open with a squeak and a promise in his eyes.
---
Awsten feels like he wants to throw up. Not because he's grossed out by what they did – god knows he isn’t – but because of just how much the very opposite of grossed out he is. It's like when he's with Otto... Like that, the rest of the world melts away, and then in those last few minutes... It's indescribable, a few moments of pure ecstasy, unlike anything Awsten's ever experienced before. It's like that first kiss at Geoff's birthday party was a deep inhale of cigarette smoke, and Awsten already knows he's not gonna be able to quit, not anytime soon. So he feels a little sick, but he keeps it to himself, because he is not gonna have another freak-out. One of them is already enough for a week.
Otto shifts, drawing Awsten’s attention to him. He's already begun to doze off, but Awsten can’t really blame him for it. Otto might have incredibly toned arms and amazing abs, but everyone has an energy limit. Awsten's stomach clenches strangely as he watches him. You rarely see anyone look as peaceful as they do falling asleep. It's a good look on Otto, but then again, he is – objectively speaking – a very attractive guy anyway. His relaxed expression almost makes Awsten feel guilty as he gets up to get dressed.
It's a curse and a blessing that his place is so far away from Otto’s. It's just paranoia, but Awsten feels like everyone around him is staring at him when he isn’t looking, like they can tell he did something wrong, like they know he broke his Plan.
He's only heard rumors about memory therapy, but none of it has sounded too reassuring. But then again, he hasn’t met anyone who's actually gone through it. The whole concept of it is enough for most people to keep to their Plan, it's not like having your memories rewritten so you don’t remember diverging from it sounds all that inviting.
Besides, it's not like sticking to your Plan is all that hard, or it shouldn't be, at least. All it tells you is your basic life course; schools, jobs, number of kids, all that. Once you get started on that path, you can stay on it no problem. The other thing it determines is what role every new person you meet is going to play in that life course, and, again, should be pretty easy to follow, except clearly not for Awsten, because not sleeping with his best friend is a lot harder to him than it should be.
After a while, the cool evening air helps Awsten clear his thoughts. Well, more like distracts him from them, but same difference.
When he finally arrives at home, he sighs as he closes the door behind himself. He can hear his mom moving around somewhere in the living room. He doesn’t think he could look her in the eye right now. “I’m home!” he calls out and doesn’t wait for an answer before heading to his room as fast as possible. He doesn’t really know what to do with himself. His fingertips are still tingling a little. He sits down on his bed.
This doesn’t make him gay. He's just... Having some fun. He's still only into girls, this thing with Otto is just an exception that proves the rule. He's dated lots of girls before, in fact, he could go out right now and hook up with a girl and it would be totally fine and normal, it's just, well, he's already gotten laid today, so there's no point to it really. And he's tired anyway. It's not even that late, just past ten, but maybe he should just sleep on this. His thoughts will probably be clearer once he's rested a little.
They’re not. When he wakes up to the blaring of his alarm and looks at his Hayley Williams poster, he still feels that pit in his stomach. Falling into his daily pattern helps. It's a Saturday, which means he's got a shift starting at nine at the record store.
He thinks he's good at acting normal, at least until two hours in Jawn pats him on the shoulder.
“What's got you so jumpy today?” he asks. Is Awsten really that obvious?
“Not enough sleep. I'll just get a coffee on my lunch break and I'll be fine.” It's a believable lie, at least enough so that Jawn doesn’t ask any more questions.
The rest of the day is pretty uneventful, an old dude pretends to know more about a band than he actually does, someone's confused mom gets the name of an album wrong, a guy with a rainbow pin buys all their available Fall Out Boy albums, just pretty standard stuff. That is until right as Awsten's getting ready to leave, the bell above the door jingles, and in steps Otto. Awsten freezes.
Having heard the new arrival, Jawn steps out from the back. “Oh, hey Otto! What are you doing here?”
“I'm picking up Awsten. We're watching that new action movie, the one with Keanu Reeves.” Right. They did talk about that last week. Awsten completely forgot.
“Sounds awesome,” says Jawn. “Have fun, I guess.”
Awsten still hasn’t said anything. He should really change that. “I'm gonna get my stuff,” he says awkwardly, and does exactly that.
They don’t say a word to each other as they head to the movie theater. Otto's driving, and all Awsten can focus on is how he keeps licking his lips. When they finally stop at the parking lot and Otto turns towards him, Awsten can’t stop himself from leaning forward and kissing him. Otto doesn’t exactly seem to mind, or even be surprised, and his hands quickly find their way to Awsten's hips.
After some time, Otto pulls away, panting. “We're gonna be late for the movie if we continue.”
“Screw the fucking movie,” Awsten says as he grasps a fistful of Otto's hair and pulls him back in. His insides are already quivering and he can hear his own heartbeat so loud he's convinced Otto can hear it too. He doesn’t even think about what he's doing as he climbs to the driver's side and sits down in Otto's lap. He's never been drunk but he imagines it must feel something like this. Everything feels hazy and nothing has ever felt so good. Heat is rolling off his body in waves, met with ones coming from Otto. It's driving him insane. This is gonna be the death of him.
They miss the movie entirely.
---
This is getting so out of hand, Awsten thinks as he's being manhandled against the wall of Otto's room. Geoff is like two rooms away. They've never hooked up when any of Awsten’s parents or Otto's roommates were in. But they just didn’t want to stop and it's not like Geoff knows who exactly Otto brought home, Awsten's made sure not to make a sound, as hard as that's been.
When the front door finally slams shut, signalling that Geoff has had enough of the noises, Awsten breathes a sigh of relief that turns into a whimper when Otto palms at him through his jeans.
“I wanna fuck you tonight,” Otto whispers, and Awsten's heart skips a beat. It's been over a month since the start of their arrangement, but they’ve never... It's only ever been hand jobs or Otto blowing him. Otto seems to sense his discomfort, because he stops everything and cups Awsten's face with both hands, looking him right in the eye. “We don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But if you do, it's gonna be all fine, I'll make it perfect, I promise.”
Awsten thinks for a moment. Straight guys can enjoy anal play, right? And he'd be lying if he hadn’t thought about this before, hadn’t been curious about what it would feel like. Finally, he nods. “Okay,” he says. “Let's do it.”
---
He's gonna throw up. That was... He swallows. He's staring at the ceiling.
“We can’t do this anymore,” he says.
Otto sits up beside him. “Shit, did I do something wrong? Fuck, I did, didn’t I. I'm so sorry, I–“
Awsten's not gonna cry. He's not. “No, and that's exactly it! You were...” He closes his eyes for a second. “I'm not gay.”
Understanding dawns on Otto's face. “Look–“ he starts, but Awsten cuts him off.
“Don't even start! I don’t need any big speech about anything. It's just that...” How can he even say this. How can he even tell him that he has never felt this good during sex? How he never wants to fuck any other way ever again, and just how terrifying of a thought that is. “I just need some time to think. Alone.”
Otto sighs. “Okay. Okay. I can drive you home if you want.”
Awsten shakes his head. “Thanks, but I'd uh. I'd rather take a walk.”
“Yeah, that's... Okay. I understand. If you just wanna take some time to-“
“No! No, that’s the last thing I... I just want everything to go back to normal.” Awsten sighs. “I don’t wanna fuck our friendship up over something like this, so just. Just for a few days let's pretend this never happened and we'll talk about it after everything cools down a little, okay?”
Otto takes a deep breath and looks thoughtful for a moment. “Okay. If you think that's the best way to do it, then okay.”
The way his sad puppy eyes make Awsten want to kiss him so bad is a little worrisome, but it really wouldn’t be the most intimate thing they've done today so why does it even fucking matter.
He doesn’t really know what to do with himself when he gets home. He should be happy, in a way, he just stopped something before it got out of hand. He's back to the Plan. So why does it feel like someone just ripped his chest wide open?
He doesn’t get any sleep that night.
---
The next time he's at work, he's not even five minutes in when Jawn scoffs at him. “Wow, what crawled up your ass?”
Awsten turns away before Jawn can see the blush spread across his face and neck because yeah, exactly.
“Did you break up with another petite blonde after two weeks?” Jawn asks mockingly. Awsten flips him off over his shoulder. Jawn's probably rolling his eyes. “Hey, with your relationship history? Wouldn’t exactly be a surprise.” Awsten wants to strangle him.
“Shut the fuck up, I'm just having a bad day...” he grumbles.
He turns slightly to see Jawn holding up his hands in mock surrender. “Wow, okay. Touchy touchy. I guess we'll talk when you’re not on your period anymore.”
Awsten sighs. It's just not his day, is it.
He and Otto predictively don’t talk about it. In fact, by the time the first week of the new semester rolls around, they both seem to be in the ‘not touching it with a ten foot pole' phase. And it is, to put it simply, shame that eats away at Awsten's insides when he finds himself inserting Otto into another heated fantasy.
“Did you break up with someone again?” Travis asks the second Awsten sits down next to him.
Awsten lets his head fall down to the desk. Great. First lecture of the year, starting off great. “Why does everybody keep thinking that?”
“I'm gonna take that as a no, then.” And luck finally seems to be on Awsten's side, cause Travis doesn’t ask any more questions. That luck seems to stick, cause while the day is boring and drags on like a motherfucker, at least it's uneventful.
It's probably compensation from fate for what’s about to come. He hasn’t been at Otto's place since they ended their arrangement, but it's only logical that if three of the people in a friend group of six live together, you hold your semester-starter hangout there. Doesn’t really matter if the last time you were there you got fucked so good you still get a little dizzy just thinking about it. Or whatever.
Thankfully it's Zakk that opens the door when Awsten arrives. De'Wayne's already there, which means they're only waiting for Lucas now. Awsten keeps looking at Otto from the corner of his eye. He's seen him gazing back a few times. It makes his collar itch with nervousness. It's stupid, he knows it, and he's sure Otto knows it too, after all this isn’t the first time they're hanging out. They've hung out plenty alright, but the tension from not talking about it all has been building up, and boy has Awsten noticed. It's gotten under his skin, so deep in fact that it has started seeping into his bones. And every time they see each other, Awsten feels like he's been submerged in boiling water, and he’s drowning and overheating at the same time. It's kinda like hell, but also a little bit like heaven if he thinks about it too hard.
But then he can’t think about it anymore, because Lucas arrives, and suddenly Awsten’s too busy pretending he never slept with his best friend in the first place. And that’s probably for the better.
He must have gotten on the good side of some deity, because nobody seems to notice anything going on between him and Otto. Except, of course, Otto himself. The more he notices Awsten's glances, the more he seems comfortable crowding into Awsten’s space, the touchier he gets. It's driving Awsten insane. He's wound up in a way he’s never been before, every touch an electric shock coursing through his body.
The fourth time Otto subtly touches the nape of Awsten's neck, Awsten has to excuse himself to the bathroom. After closing the door and splashing some water on his face, he looks up to see his reflection in the mirror. He doesn’t look as wild as he feels, but his dilated pupils and slightly flushed cheeks are a clear giveaway. Fuck, why is he being so obvious?
He barely registers the sounds of footsteps outside, but then the door opens and Awsten’s heart lurches when he sees Otto standing right there. He feels like he just swallowed his tongue, like he would choke on any words if they were to leave his throat.
Otto leans against the doorframe. “So,” he starts, “are we gonna talk about it or what?”
Awsten blinks and opens his mouth, but no words are coming out.
Otto sighs. “Yeah, okay, that’s a no then.”
He starts to turn away, but then Awsten sees his own hand reach for Otto's wrist, and his own voice saying, “Wait!”
The hope Otto has in his eyes as he looks at him makes Awsten’s insides twist and turn all around. It also makes him want to do crazy stupid things like, like...
He backs up until he hits the wall behind him, dragging Otto along, and then suddenly his hands are in Otto's hair now as he drags him into a filthy, open-mouthed kiss. And it's like a supernova went off, shining with the light of an entire galaxy, creating hundreds and thousands of new stars in its wake that Awsten can all see light up behind his eyelids. He's hyper-aware of every sensation, the coolness of the bathroom tiles on his back, the softness of Otto's curls beneath his fingertips, the way Otto's hands are now caressing his lower back, Otto's smell, the heat of his body, the plushness of his lips against Awsten’s, their teeth and tongues and mouths searching for one another, pressing closer and closer until Awsten doesn’t even know where he ends and where Otto begins anymore.
Unfortunately they still need air, so it can’t go on forever. When they pull apart, Awsten’s panting and Otto seems winded too. Awsten leans his forehead against Otto's, and closes his eyes. He cannot for the life of him think of a logical reason for why they stopped doing this.
“This doesn’t really count as talking,” Otto teases.
Awsten chuckles. “Shut up. Later. When we have time.”
“We have time right now.” Awsten opens his eyes. Otto’s looking at him suggestively. “You think they'd notice if we disappeared for a good 20 minutes?”
“Uhh, yeah? Probably? They’re not that drunk.” Unfortunately.
Otto lays his head down in the crook of Awsten’s neck and sighs. It makes chills run down Awsten’s back. “I know...”
They stay like that for a few minutes. Awsten bathes in the warmth of the embrace, and twirls a strand of Otto's hair around his finger. Otto finally speaks when he pulls away. “I think I've got an idea.”
“Yeah? What is it?” asks Awsten.
“You go get your stuff, I'm gonna tell the guys you felt sick and that I'm taking you home. You were acting weird anyway so they’re not gonna think much of it.”
Awsten cringes. “Wow, it was that obvious?”
Otto smirks. “Yeah dude. Why do you think they sent me after you?”
“They sent you after me?” Apparently, he desperately needs to improve his acting skills, jesus.
“Yeah. That’s not the point, though. Just wait for me by the door, I'll be back in a sec.” With that, Otto cups Awsten’s cheek and pulls him down for a quick peck. He then leaves, and Awsten's left a little dizzy. It takes him a couple seconds to gather himself and realize that he should be following Otto’s instructions. It's probably best if he doesn’t check in with his friends lest they see just how far from sick he actually is. Keeping close to his word, Otto shows up in less than two minutes.
They’re barely out the door when Otto asks the million dollar question. “What made you change your mind?”
Awsten sighs. Isn’t that the question. “I...” He trails off. Truthfully he hadn’t really thought about it. Really, he hasn’t exactly been thinking since the moment he wrapped his fingers around Otto’s wrist. “I dunno. Don’t let it get to your head, but you are great in bed. Like, really fucking good.” Otto doesn’t even try hiding his smug grin. “And I think I might have overreacted back then.”
Otto raises his eyebrows. “Really. You think?”
Awsten rolls his eyes. “Shut up! I was a little overwhelmed at the time, okay?”
Otto laughs, and Awsten can’t help the smile that spreads across his face either. As they arrive at the car, Otto theatrically opens the passenger side door with a smooth hand gesture. Awsten just glares at him.
With the engine started, Awsten returns to the previous topic. “Also it's just... You’re my best friend, have been for years now, and I don’t want to lose that. Especially not over something like sex, y'know?”
Otto keeps his eyes on the road. “Yeah, I'm– I'm glad we're on the same page.”
As the minutes tick by, Awsten gets more and more restless. His brain is buzzing with a cocktail of chemicals, and his fingers are tapping nervously against his thigh. Thankfully the ride doesn’t take too long, otherwise he'd vibrate out of his skin.
Awsten’s family is home, so they have to be quiet. They intend to go slow, to enjoy every second, but desire overtakes logic within minutes, and Awsten can barely stop himself from tearing Otto’s clothes up as he removes them. He feels more feverish with every new inch of exposed skin, burning up from the inside and exploding with shivers at the same time. He's been wanting, aching for this in a way he hasn’t wanted anything before, and that should be terrifying, but it's exhilarating.
It ends way faster than Awsten would have liked it to, and Otto's leaving almost immediately, because he's already been away suspiciously long.
Awsten lies awake for hours after that, feeling boneless yet rigid in ways he really doesn’t want to examine right now.
---
Okay, so maybe hooking up at work really is a terrible idea, but it's not like anyone wants to go to a record store at 11 AM on a Tuesday, and Jawn texted Awsten earlier that he's not gonna get there until 12. And okay, Otto might be skipping out on a class – he wasn’t as lucky as Awsten, who's got a class-free day today – but it's whatever, he said it was a boring one anyway.
Yeah, so maybe they’re kind of making up dumb excuses for everything, but they don’t exactly have a lot of free time, what with college and Awsten’s job, and also with keeping it all under wraps. So what if they just want to make out in the storage room just this once?
As Otto moves his lips to Awsten’s neck, Awsten nuzzles his head against his shoulder. Otto chuckles. “Gosh, you’re like a cat,” he says, and Awsten would be offended if it wasn’t for the way Otto's hands are making their way under his shirt and up his back.
Awsten could seriously stay like this forever, in this tiny, cramped storage room with Otto’s warmth wrapped around him. But then everything shatters when a voice, one that definitely, definitely should not be there rings through the room. “Oh my god.”
Awsten and Otto jump apart like they've been burnt. They both look towards the source and Awsten’s heart drops because sure enough, Jawn is standing there, wide-eyed and with his mouth slightly open. Shit, shit, shit, he wasn’t supposed to... Oh god. Awsten’s face is on fire and his head is spinning, he's gonna pass out, he's gonna–
A touch to his shoulder snaps him out of it. Jawn’s not there anymore, it’s just Otto with a look of concern on his face. “You okay?” he asks.
Awsten shakes his head. “No.” He covers his face with his hands. Damn it. “I'm gonna have to talk to him.”
“Want me to stay and help out?” Otto asks and Awsten almost starts crying. God, how is he always so sweet and considerate?
Awsten sighs. “No, no. I think that'd just make it worse. I'll call you later, okay?” Despite the rational part of his brain telling him it’s a bad idea, he connects their lips for a brief peck, which seems to surprise even Otto. But then he just gives Awsten a reassuring smile and leaves, giving Awsten some time to collect himself.
His stomach is in knots still as he walks out to face Jawn. He has no idea what he's gonna say. But he doesn’t have much time to think, because Jawn is right next to the door, leaning against the wall.
“I'm gonna let you explain before I ask any questions, cause I'm a good friend, okay?” is the first thing he says to Awsten. But what is there to explain, really?
“What do you want me to say, ‘this isn’t what it looks like'? I think you know that'd be a lie.”
Jawn huffs. “God, you don’t have to be an asshole about it. You could have told me, I wouldn’t have been weird about it.”
“No, you don’t–“ Awsten looks to the side. “It's not on my plan.”
Jawn is silent for a few seconds. “So? Do you really think I would have reported you or something?!”
Awsten purses his lips. “No, I just... We wanted to keep it a secret. Nobody else knows, okay?”
“So, what, you've been having a secret relationship or–“
“We’re not in a relationship,” Awsten mumbles.
Jawn does a double take. “What?”
“It's not a relationship. We're just...” Awsten shrugs and looks down at his feet. “Hooking up. Having fun.”
“Having fun,” Jawn deadpans. “And you've been doing that for how long exactly? Cause I'm willing to bet something happened between you and that’s why you were acting all money for a while, am I right?”
Awsten feels his face heat up. He's really just the most unsubtle person in the universe apparently. “Since Geoff's birthday, okay? That was our first time together.”
“Geoff’s birthday? That was... Awsten, that was three months ago. So, what, you've been ‘hooking up' with your best friend for three months, but you’re telling me you don’t have feelings for him?” The disbelief in Jawn’s voice is palpable.
Awsten crosses his arms. “Yeah! Why is that so hard to believe? People have friends-with-benefits relationships all the time!”
“Well I'm just saying, what I saw in there,” Jawn gestures towards the storage room with his head, “didn’t exactly look all that friendly.”
Awsten groans. God, Jawn just doesn’t get it. “Jesus, I'm not... I'm straight.”
To Awsten’s bafflement, Jawn lets out a disbelieving laugh. “You've been having sex with a guy for three months, but you’re telling me you’re straight?”
Awsten nods defiantly. “Yes. I am. Otto’s just my one exception.”
Jawn just blinks at him. “You know it's an option to like both, right?” And yeah, Awsten does, but he's not– Like yeah, sure he's always thought guys like Mikey Way or Pete Wentz were really hot and that if given the opportunity he would sleep with them, but that’s just... That’s just celebrity worship. And the only reason he hasn’t thought of, say, Hayley Williams like that is cause he doesn’t want to objectify women. He just doesn’t want to be misogynistic.
“It's not that, it's, it's on my Plan. I'm straight, my Plan says I'm straight, end of story.”
Jawn rolls his eyes. “God, why are you so hung up on the whole Plan business? It's–“
Awsten cuts him off before he can finish. “Don’t fucking pretend you know what this is like. I diverted majorly from my Plan. I'm having sex with someone who’s supposed to be a friend. Do you know someone, anyone who’s diverted that much? Cause I sure don’t. If someone reports us, we’re 100% getting sent to memory therapy, so don’t preach to me about how it’s not that big of a deal, because you’re not gonna be the one whose memories are fucked with if this gets out!”
Jawn stays quiet. He knows Awsten’s right.
Awsten sighs. “Whatever, just. Let’s just go back to work, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
And so they do. Jawn doesn’t bring up the subject again.
Still, by the time his shift's over, Awsten’s emotionally exhausted. But he did make a promise, and so he calls Otto as soon as he gets home.
Otto’s timid “Hey” immediately puts a smile on his face.
“I talked things out with Jawn. He’s not gonna tell anyone.”
“That’s– That's great,” Otto says, but he still sounds off.
“Hey, is something wrong? Did I do something?” Shit, he probably did, but he can’t think of anything right now.
Otto sighs. “No, no, it's just. You can give me the speech, it's fine, I understand.”
And now Awsten’s confused. “What speech?”
“Oh.” Otto sounds surprised. “I thought you were gonna tell me we have to break it off.”
What? Why would he... Oh. The rules. Shit. He did say they would stop if someone found out. But the thing is that he doesn’t actually want to. He talked things out with Jawn, and he's happy with his current arrangement with Otto, so maybe if they just try to be extra careful from now on, it’s all gonna be fine. Maybe it should be a red flag that he finds it so easy to break the rule, a sign that things might be getting out of hand, but maybe if he ignores it, that thought will just go away.
“Well I don’t want to do that,” he says finally.
“Oh. Okay, cool.” Awsten can clearly hear the relief in Otto's voice. Good, sounds like they’re on the same page.
“Do you like, wanna come over? Gracie's the only one home, and she usually just listens to music with headphones in her room anyway.”
“Yeah. We do have unfinished business, don’t we?” Fuck, the way Otto can make him blush with such lame pick-up lines should be illegal.
“Shut up! See you in a minute.” He hangs up as Otto bursts out laughing. The asshole. Awsten can’t help but smile to himself.
---
He's hanging out with Travis when it hits him what day it is.
“Shit!” he exclaims loudly as he sits up from where he's lying on the carpet.
Travis looks at him from the couch. “What is it?”
“It's the 25th, right?” Awsten asks.
“Uhh, yeah. Why?” Travis looks perplexed.
“Fuck, what time is it?” He answers his own question a second later. “Seven forty-two. Okay, okay. I'm not late, but I gotta get going. I need to get there before nine.”
“Scheduled life event?” Travis asks.
“Yep, big one too, apparently. Meeting my next girlfriend at a place called the Moon Light Bar.” Truthfully Awsten is not as excited as he's showing himself to be. He was excited for this day when it appeared in his Plan's calendar after his latest girlfriend broke up with him seven months ago. Now? Not so much. It's kinda ridiculous, but he can’t help but think about Otto. Which, again, is dumb, because they’re not even dating, let alone exclusive. But the thing is, if he starts dating this girl, whoever she is, he's gonna have to break things off with Otto. He doesn’t have it in him to cheat on anyone.
“Sounds fancy. Well, have fun, I guess.” Ah yes, Travis, ever the enthusiast.
“Thanks! And sorry for ditching you!” With that, he starts getting ready.
The place really isn’t that far, which is great for Awsten. It looks pretty nice on the inside, not really Awsten’s style, but the ambient purple lighting gives it a nice feeling. It's not too loud either. He scopes out the place, then sits down at the bar, ordering a coke for himself.
The bartender raises her eyebrows at him. “You really just came in here by yourself and ordered a single coke?”
Awsten lets out a surprised laugh. Can’t say he’s been heckled by a bartender before. “I sure did.”
She chuckles. “Well, count me interested. One coke, coming up!”
Sure enough, she’s back with his drink in no time. There aren’t any other customers in need of service, it's still too early for most people.
“So, what brings you to this place?” she asks.
Awsten smirks. “I don’t know, how about you,” he looks at her name tag, “Ava?”
She just lifts an eyebrow at his lame attempt at a joke. “Wow, first name basis already? That's only fair if you tell me yours too.”
“Awsten. With a W.”
She bursts out laughing. Awsten feels a little offended. “Wow. That on your birth certificate?”
“No, but it is on my ID.”
“Wow. Not sure if I should be impressed or run because that’s a red flag,” Ava says. Awsten laughs. She grins back, but then someone’s waving her over. Awsten checks on his phone in the meantime and– Oh. She’s been added to his Plan catalogue. Ava West, role: romantic (long-term). Well then. Awsten looks up at her again. She's definitely attractive, even though she's not the type of girl he usually goes for, with her curly, brown hair, big, dark doe-eyes and sporty outfit.
When she comes back, he decides to just go for it. Sort of just to get it over with. “So,” he starts. “When do you get off?”
She raises an eyebrow at him. “Wow, you don’t hesitate, do you?” She props her head up on the bar's counter with her elbow. “Lucky for you, I like that. And to answer your question, I got the early shift, so I get off at nine.”
She hangs around him for the next hour, then tells him to wait for her just outside as she finishes up her shift. The first thing she does when she gets outside is ask “My place sound good?”
Awsten just nods. It’s better than his parents' place, that’s for sure. And turns out, it's closer too, just about a three-minute drive. But during those three minutes all Awsten can think of is how he should have told Otto that this was happening.
She kisses him when they arrive at her apartment, and it's. A kiss. One that’s just like a million others he's shared with exes, but it just feels strange. Muted, almost. Like he's experiencing it through a layer of bulletproof plexiglass. But when he runs his fingers through her hair, something shifts. He twirls the curls around his fingers and suddenly the kiss is incredible, and then there’s an insistent nip at his bottom lip, and he's ready to gasp out a name, but it's... He jumps away, feeling dirty and hot all over, like Ava's lips were made out of burning charcoal.
“I can’t do this, I'm sorry!” he hears his own voice say.
Ava stands there for a few seconds with her mouth still open. Then it's almost like she has a revelation. “Oh. You’re in love with someone else already,” she says, and Awsten’s about to protest, but she continues. “Hey, no worries, I get it. I'm not exactly a Plan purist either. Didn’t even know you were a Plan partner before I checked my phone after my shift ended.” When Awsten just blinks at her, she continues. “It’s that... God, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but hey, you of all people get it, right? It's cause of my sister. Her plan said that she would marry this guy she knew, but she’s actually a lesbian, so that wasn’t gonna ever work out.”
Awsten swallows. He feels a little sick. “Wait, that can happen?”
“What, people getting assigned with the wrong sexuality? Oh yeah, all the time.” Awsten wants her to stop, just stop talking or talk about anything else but this. “Before the Plan system, studies showed that at least 7-10% of people experience same-gender attraction, but only about 1% of people are assigned non-straight in their Plan. Anyway, I kinda got off-track there, sorry. Again, I totally get it. If you wanna keep contact and put on a ruse of some sorts, that works for me too.
Awsten just nods like yeah, whatever, and pretty soon she's sending him off with a smile and her number in his phone.
He feels sort of numb on the drive home. It’s like he’s been overloaded with too much information. He only really starts thinking when he crashes down on his bed.
He can’t be. No, that’s. That’s just not an option. Except clearly it is, and suddenly it's like Awsten’s been lied to his whole life. Because what if. What if... No, no, he’s not having his big gay crisis now, or ever, for that matter.
But maybe he is, because he's never seriously considered the concept before. That little word in his Plan provided security until now, and now that that’s been ripped away all he's left with are the facts. The facts, which are the following: he’s been attracted to male celebrities. He's wanted to kiss his friends on the lips sometimes – hasn’t everyone thought about something like that though? And he's been sleeping with a guy for months. And that right there is kind of something substantial because he doesn’t know any other straight guy who’s done that.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, he needs to talk to somebody right fucking now, if he doesn’t see another living, breathing human being in the next five minutes he's gonna go insane. Not his family, definitely not his family, and most definitely not Otto considering he’s the one at the center of this problem. Jawn’s the only one who knows, but he lives a ten-minute drive away and Awsten doesn’t trust himself enough to drive right now. Which leaves... Travis. Travis, who just so happens to live within walking distance. It would mean one more person would know about him and Otto, but Awsten can’t bring himself to care right now.
And so he takes off, and within minutes he's standing in front of Travis' front door, his fist hovering above it. He takes a deep breath and knocks. It only takes Travis a few seconds to answer. Awsten feels small (and stupid) as Travis looks him over worriedly.
“Um. Is everything okay?” Travis asks.
Awsten wills his lower lip not to tremble. “I...” He swallows and takes a shaky breath with his eyes closed. “I don’t think I'm straight.” And God, saying it out loud is so much worse than just thinking it. It makes everything so much more real, and Awsten just can’t take it anymore. It's like something in him breaks and just like that, tears are blurring his vision and rolling down his cheeks.
Travis quickly ushers him inside, and sits with him in silence until Awsten manages to more-or-less calm down.
“So, I take it your life event didn’t go as expected,” is the first thing he says.
Awsten laughs humorlessly. “You could say that again.” He buries his face in his hands. “It's just. Everything was going so well, and then I just couldn’t go through with it.”
“What happened?” Travis asks.
Awsten sighs. “I gotta tell you something. For context.” He looks at Travis, who is waiting for him to elaborate. He might as well just say it. “Otto and I have been sleeping together since July.”
Awsten’s stomach is in knots as he waits for Travis to say something to that. Travis just blinks at him a couple times, and they says “Oh,” like he was almost expecting it. God, he could at least pretend to be surprised.
Awsten purses his lips. “So uhh, yeah. Tried to make out with this girl, but I kept picturing Otto, and I couldn’t go through with it.” He's still mortified just thinking about it.
Travis hums. “And how did she react?”
“She was like. Totally fine with it. She said...” Awsten hasn’t been able to stop thinking about what she said. It’s like her words turned into a heavy rock that dug its way deep inside his chest. He didn’t even get the chance to deny it. “She realized I was with someone, and she offered to be my friend and just pretend we were dating when we needed to.”
“Oh. Well that’s nice of her, I guess. I take it your thing with Otto isn’t part of your Plan.”
“Wow, we've got a genius on our hands.” Awsten knows he's being a dick, but hey, he's sort of in the middle of a mental breakdown here, he's allowed to be!
Travis doesn’t even react. “So you've been dating Otto for months, and you’re just now questioning your sexuality? I mean, sorry Awsten, but that’s a little weird.”
Awsten huffs. “We're not– Never mind, don’t go all judgy on me, you’re not the one with the wrong sexuality on your plan! I didn’t even think it was an option! And it's–“ He's tearing up again, damn it. “Do you know how fucking terrifying it is to realize that an entire part of you might be drastically different from what it's supposed to be according to your literal fate?” Awsten wipes at his eyes. Why does it have to be him? Out of everyone, why is he the one they got wrong? Why was he the one who got fucked over at such a base level?
Travis looks down. Good, he should feel a little ashamed. “Sorry dude, just from what you’re telling me, you've been in love with a guy for months and–“
“I'm not in love with him!” Damn it, just cause he's attracted to Otto doesn’t have to mean he has feelings for him too! “I've been in love before and it's nothing like the way I've been with Otto.” He sighs. “Can we maybe just. Stop talking about this for now? I don’t wanna... I want to think about something else for a little bit.”
Travis lets out a long breath. “Whatever you say.”
---
Awsten doesn’t mention any part of this to Otto. It would just complicate things, and worse, it might give Otto the idea that Awsten wants more than just sex. Which he doesn’t. He's perfectly fine with things as they are, it's not like their arrangement can stop him from texting Otto as he's eating dinner with Gracie. Well, the arrangement can’t but something else might.
“Are you texting your new girlfriend again?” Gracie asks. Awsten freezes.
“Uhhhhh yeah? How did you know?” Fuck, this is so embarrassing.
“You've got that lovey-dovey look right up on your stupid face,” she says with a shrug. “She must be something special, I've never seen you like this.”
She leaves the subject there, but there’s one thing about the exchange that keeps bothering Awsten for the rest of the night. Why did he lie and say it wasn’t Otto?
---
The thing is, he can’t stop thinking about it. Ava mentioned it, and then Travis, and then Gracie, and three seems like one too many to ignore. But no, he's not in love with Otto. He can’t be. Hell it was the first rule he set up, and he's already broken the other one, he's not breaking this one too!
He knows what love is like. It's not the magical, dreamlike thing movies and books make it seem like. He's never had butterflies, never felt like his world revolves around someone else. It's just not that, and the way he felt about all his past girlfriends proves it.
He wonders what Otto’s doing right now, and if he's up to hanging out with him right now.
His question is answered when he hears a knock on his door, and upon opening it finds Otto on the other side.
“Hey,” he starts before Awsten can say anything. “I was bored and um. Thought you might wanna hang out?”
He looks so awkward and cute that Awsten can’t help but let a grin spread across his face. “Hell yeah, dude! What do you have in mind?”
Otto smiles back. “What if I said it was a surprise?”
Awsten rolls his eyes. God he wants to kiss that stupid look off Otto's face. But he doesn’t.
Said surprise becomes kind of obvious once they get there and Awsten spots the huge Ferris wheel decked out in colorful neon lights.
“Isn’t it a little cold for a carnival?” he asks.
Otto shrugs. “Maybe, but hey, means fewer people are gonna be there, and we won’t have to spend half our time there waiting in line.”
Awsten can’t argue with that.
And as it turns out, the smaller crowd isn’t the only upside to the colder weather. Instead of slushies, the food stands are selling hot chocolate and cinnamon-flavored warm apple juice. It's not like the weather is that perfect, icy, hot drink cold – then again, when is it ever in Texas – but today has been particularly cold for a late November day.
Awsten tries the apple juice, which is okay, but it smells and sounds better than it tastes, while Otto goes for the classic hot chocolate. When Otto burns his tongue with it, Awsten almost offers to kiss it better. They get candy apples with them, which are just the worst thing to eat in practice, but hey, it's fall. You can’t not get candy apples.
They go for a ride on the teacups afterwards, which maybe wasn’t the best idea right after eating, but they just laugh about it when they get off.
Awsten tries – and fails – to win something, anything at the game stands. Otto tries once, and, naturally, manages to get one of the biggest prizes at the stand, a unicorn plushie.
“How the fuck is that even possible?! These games are rigged as shit!” Awsten says as they walk away from the games altogether.
Otto shrugs and smirks. “What can I say, I played and won, fair and square.”
Awsten huffs. “Wow, okay Mr. Perfect.”
Otto raises an eyebrow at him. “I can give it to you if that makes you feel better.”
Awsten groans and punches him in the shoulder playfully. “Shut up,” he whines. “I'm not the girlfriend you win carnival game gifts for!”
Otto bursts out laughing. Awsten can’t help but join him.
They try all the rides at Awsten's insistence, and by the time they get to the Ferris wheel, their final stop for the day, the sun has set almost completely. Everything’s going perfectly until it stops as they’re right at the top.
Otto tries to look down to see what’s going on. “Maybe someone got sick and they had to get off?”
But then five minutes pass and the wheel still hasn’t moved.
Awsten sighs. “I swear, this shit only happens to me. I swear, if life keeps fucking me over like this, I'm gonna think I'm the main character.”
Otto laughs at that, and Awsten can’t help but stare. The lights of the Ferris wheel illuminate Otto's face in all kinds of different colors, and the light breeze blows his hair out of his face. As he opens his eyes, Awsten can see the lights of the city and the carnival below reflected in them. And...
Oh.
That’s just it, isn’t it. That feeling as Awsten’s insides do flips, because he can’t stop thinking about how perfect Otto looks in that moment. That is It. Maybe It is butterflies and happiness after all.
Awsten barely notices as the wheel whirrs back to life and they slowly descend. The concept actually... Isn’t that bad. Not at all like he thought it would be just a few hours ago. Actually being around Otto kinda puts things into perspective. The only thing that’s still a little terrifying is that this feeling really isn’t that different from how he felt about Otto before the whole ordeal started.
The spell breaks a little when they get off the ride. Because this—this is bigger than he signed up for. And the thing is, he doesn’t want to mess his friendship up with Otto. But then a little voice in his head whispers, isn’t he doing that already?
They get cotton candy on the way out, because this is still a carnival and you kind of have to. But then as they reach the parking lot and look for Otto's car, Awsten finally asks the million-dollar question.
“Was this a date?”
Otto freezes. He opens his mouth to say something, but then hesitates. After almost a whole minute of silence, he finally speaks. “Look, I–“
Awsten cuts him off. “It's uhh. I wouldn’t mind. If it was.”
The nearby street light flickers. Otto blinks. “Oh.”
Awsten steps closer to him, crowding into his space. “I had a life event recently. Met a girl I was supposed to date. But then I couldn’t– I could barely even kiss her because I kept thinking about you. And that. Makes a guy think, y'know?”
Otto takes a deep breath. “So you... Want more than just the sex? You want the dates and the feelings too?”
Awsten’s shaking a little and not because of the cold. “With you, I want everything,” he admits, and it's more honest than he's been with anyone, including himself, in months, years possibly.
Their lips smash into each other like they’re magnets, aching to close the distance, to be impossibly close, until there’s not a single molecule keeping them apart. Awsten feels like he's burning up on the inside, being consumed by the gargantuan size of his feelings. He never wants to stop and he kisses Otto until his lungs can’t take it anymore and he’s forced to pull away.
Otto pants out “Car,” and yeah, Awsten has to agree. Car, yeah, definitely... Wait, what about the car?
But then Otto is dragging him somewhere by his arm and he forgets all about it. That is until he hears the car door open, and is pushed onto the backseat. Oh, right. Car. Otto then climbs on top of him, and he’s too distracted to think about anything else.
---
It's not some big, magical moment when Awsten says it. They’re cuddled up on Otto's bed, just quietly enjoying each other's company. Awsten had the first of his finals today. And it's exactly moments like this when Awsten thinks about just how stupid it was to deny himself this for so long. He was so busy freaking out about the details when he could have just let himself be happy with Otto. Because it's really worth it, despite everything. It's more than worth defying his whole Plan, it's worth all the hiding, even if Awsten can sometimes barely stop himself from kissing Otto right in front of their friends. And looking at it that way, it's all too easy to say.
“I love you.”
For a little bit, he thinks Otto didn’t hear him, because he doesn’t react at all. But then, Otto shifts a little bit. “I love you too,” he says. And it's really that simple, isn’t it?
---
As much as finals suck, Awsten's having the best week of his life. Everything seems just a little brighter, the people around him seem nicer, and even the music he listens to sounds better. It does help that he spends basically every second of his free time – and not so free time, studying together – with Otto.
Still, it's a huge weight off his shoulders when he steps out the doors of his college on the last day of his finals. He can’t help but think about all the time he'll be able to spend with Otto.
“Awsten!” he hears someone call out. As he turns around, he can see Travis waving to him. He waits for him to catch up.
“Hey dude! How did your finals go?” Awsten asks when he finally does.
“Uhh, good, I think. But I wanted to talk to you about something else, actually. Well, more like show you something,” Travis says while rummaging around his backpack. After a few seconds, he pulls out a generic-looking folder.
“What is this?” Awsten asks, now a little concerned.
“This,” Travis starts, “is Otto's Plan.”
Awsten's eyes widen. “Dude, where the hell did you get this?! That’s top-secret shit, not to mention a breach of privacy! It's like reading someone's diary!”
“Doesn’t matter, I have my ways. And I just really think you should read it.” With that, he extends the folder to Awsten.
Awsten feels guilty for even being tempted to take it. “No way. I'm not doing that.”
“Look, just read the section about you. There’s something there that I think you should know,” Travis insists.
Fuck. That sounds serious. Awsten knows he shouldn’t, but... “Fine, okay. I'll do it.” He takes it from Travis and puts it away as fast as possible.
He can’t keep his mind off it on the way home. He trusts Otto, he really does. But the way Travis was talking... He was probably just exaggerating, right?
Still, taking the documents out is practically the first thing he does when he gets home. His fingers are trembling as he looks for the relationship section. He skins through it to find his name, and sure enough, there it is. 'Awsten Knight: friends from age 17.’ And then. Hold on, that doesn’t seem right. No, that’s gotta be wrong, it's fake, it's. It's. Awsten closes his eyes. Maybe they’re playing tricks on him, maybe when he opens them again. But no. When he opens them, the words still say ‘In love with (unrequited)’. He looks to the top of the page. And sure enough, Otto’s sexuality isn’t written as straight. It's bisexual.
Fuck, that means. That means Otto hasn’t even diverted from his plan, he's just been going along with it as he’s supposed to. That Awsten’s been the only one who’s risking everything, the one who chose this, and wasn’t just told to make it happen by some stupid rule a stupid government made. And that feels like a bucket of ice water has been poured over his head, because has it even been real all this time? He needs to talk to Otto right now, because this can’t be real, this is just some shady fake document Travis somehow got, Otto’s better than this, right?
He still texts Otto to come over.
The time until Otto arrives is the longest ten minutes of Awsten's life. He stays in his room; Otto knows he can come in without knocking by now.
When Otto finally does get there, he immediately seems to notice something’s wrong, because the first thing he asks is “Is everything okay?”
Awsten can’t bring himself to look at him. He just hands the piece of paper over to him. “Is this real?” he asks shakily.
Otto’s entire demeanor changes. “Where did you get this?”
“Does it matter? Answer the fucking question.” No, no, Awsten is not gonna cry, he's cried way too much over Otto already.
Otto sighs. “Yes.”
And not crying was clearly a lie, because that’s all it takes for the dam to break and Awsten feels the hot tears spill over. “So you've really just been keeping to your Plan while I tore myself apart over breaking mine.”
Otto takes a step closer. “No, listen Awsten, loving you might have been on my Plan, but having a relationship? That’s still diverting.”
“It's close enough and you know it.” He sniffles. “Was it even real?”
Otto looks genuinely hurt at that. “How can you even think that?”
“Well I'm thinking a lot of things, because how do you know if your feelings are genuine if it was on your Plan this whole fucking time?!”
Otto takes a deep breath. “Awsten, you’re being ridiculous! Everything else on your Plan, all your friendships, aren’t those real? Your parents' relationship was on their Plan too, do you think they don’t love each other? I love you; I've loved you since before I knew I had to! I loved you when I first saw you in your stupid, red bathing suit and with one shaved leg! I loved you when you drove us to Chipotle with the windshield wipers on!”
“Well why didn’t you tell me it was on your plan then?!”
“Because I knew you’d react like this! I knew you’d freak out and not listen to what I'm saying, and I just didn’t want that!”
Awsten huffs as he wipes at his eyes. “Well too fucking late, I guess.”
Otto sighs. “Look, I know I should have told you, and I know you’re angry and hurt, but–“
“But what? I need to calm down and then I'll understand?! I'm not angry, Otto, I'm fucking furious, and I'm–“ Betrayed. Awsten feels betrayed, and heartbroken, because this entire relationship was built on a lie. But he can’t say it out loud. He can’t because if he would, it'd make it real, and he'd just start crying even more. He closes his eyes, and forces his chin to stop trembling. “Just. Leave me alone right now.”
When he opens his eyes, Otto’s looking at him, and he looks so fucking sad that Awsten almost forgives him on the spot. But then he turns around and walks away wordlessly. It makes Awsten feel like a shithead.
Half an hour later it occurs to him that he might have overreacted a little. He rips the contents of the folder to pieces, because even if he went overboard, what difference does it make. This relationship with Otto has caused him so much fucking pain, and for what, a week of happiness? Even if they get past this, what’s the next thing down the line? Another fight that makes them break up for a month?
Not to mention what’s in the far future. Because they were doomed from the start, cause what, they just keep ignoring the partners on their Plan? Not everyone’s gonna be as understanding as Ava. On the other hand, if there's anything Awsten learned from all this is that he's never even been attracted to, let alone been in love with any of his past girlfriends, so is he just supposed to live the rest of his life as some closet case in a relationship he hates?
Worst thing is, he doesn’t hate Otto, doesn’t even resent him like he started to with all his exes a few months in. He still loves him so fucking much, and it's agonizing, because there’s no way they can be friends after this. Now that Awsten’s had a taste of what a relationship with him is like, he won’t be able to go back to just friendship. Deep down, he knows he ruined that chance with that first kiss all those months ago.
It's that thought, losing Otto because of his own stupid decisions, that breaks him, and he finally allows himself to curl up on his bed and just cry. To mourn the friendship they could have had, and the love they couldn’t. And he thinks, just for a moment, that it would be easier to just forget about all of it.
That’s where his mom finds him when she gets home. She sits with him on the bed and strokes his hair until he calms down enough to speak.
He knows he shouldn’t say it, that it's probably a terrible idea, but he can’t bring himself to care. “I did something bad. Broke my Plan. Fell in love with someone I wasn’t supposed to.”
His mom doesn’t yell or berate him, she just wraps her arms around him. “She broke your heart?”
Awsten nods. He's lucky she isn’t looking him in the eye right now. “I just... I want it all to stop, mom. I just don’t want to feel like I ruined everything, I just want to forget about it.”
“Okay, it's okay.” She holds him close. “If that’s what you want, we'll do it, okay, sweetheart? It's gonna be all okay.”
For that moment, Awsten believes her.
God, his head feels so fucked up. It’s pounding like a bitch, and the bright white lights around him when he opens his eyes aren’t helping either. Wait, why are there bright white lights around him? He tries to take a look around, but his head throbs even more with every movement.
“Welcome back, kid,” someone says. The voice is unfamiliar, and then someone walks into Awsten's field of vision. She's wearing a lab coat. Oh. He's in the hospital.
“What happened?” he asks. His voice is raspy.
“You had a pretty nasty accident. Hit your head, and you've been out for a week,” the doctor says.
He doesn’t remember that, but with a head injury? Not exactly a surprise.
“Don’t worry, there won’t be any lasting effects. Your brain got a bit scrambled around, but it was nothing it couldn’t sort out on its own. You'll be walking around in no time once we get you some painkillers.”
Oh, well that’s good at least. The doctor smiles at him, then she walks away. As Awsten stares after her, he can’t help but think there’s something he should be remembering.
The rest of the stay is a little hazy. His parents and his sister come to pick him up a few hours later.
He calls all his friends when he gets home. They’re all glad he’s fine, of course – even if Jawn and Travis sound a little off. And then Awsten gets to Otto's contact, and it's. Oh. He's mad at Otto. Why is he mad at Otto? Well, whatever, he trusts his past self's judgement. He texts Otto instead. He doesn’t get a reply.
---
What becomes clear during the week is that Otto’s mad at him too. At least, there’s gotta be a reason he keeps avoiding Awsten, and he can’t really think of anything else. Otto doesn’t even pick up the phone on his birthday.
The holiday season passes in a blur, and before Awsten knows it, he's celebrating New Year’s with Travis. Just Travis, cause Otto’s still avoiding him, and the rest of his friends are out drinking. It's a little boring, but they stay up until midnight and drink – grape soda – to the new year. They go to bed pretty soon after that, but it's not like Awsten can sleep with all the fireworks still going off outside.
After some time, Travis quietly asks, “You awake?” from the bunk above Awsten.
Awsten doesn’t answer because he isn’t sure he didn’t hallucinate it.
But then Travis continues. “Good.”
And maybe that’s a sign that Awsten should admit he's still up, but this is starting to sound interesting.
“I never meant for any of this to happen,” Travis continues. Awsten has no idea what he’s talking about. “I was just. Jealous, I guess is the word that would describe it best. You kept spending all your time with Otto, and I wanted to... I'm not even sure what I wanted. But I know it wasn’t this, I never meant to make you so miserable that you'd rather forget it all.”
And that, that sparks something. Papers. Travis gave Awsten some papers and they made him feel awful. And then... And then...
“I'm just. I know sorry just isn’t enough here, and if you could hear me right now you wouldn’t understand anyway, cause you don’t even remember. But I am sorry, if that means anything.”
Awsten gets a terrible idea, then. What if. What if he was sent to memory therapy? It would definitely explain some inconsistencies, but the idea that someone messed around with his memories... And what could he have even done that would warrant a drastic measure like that?
Somehow, he has a feeling it's related to Otto.
He sleeps restlessly that night, dreaming about imaginary days and impossible kisses.
---
When a month after he woke up in that hospital bed Otto still won’t talk to him, he decides to take matters into his own hands. That’s how he finds himself knocking on the door of Otto, Geoff and Zakk's apartment.
Geoff is the one who answers. “Oh, hey dude, haven’t seen you around in a little while. What’s up?”
Awsten scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, sorry about that, I've just been, I don’t know, distracted. But I'm okay, promise! Semester's starting on Monday, so.” He clears his throat. “But actually, I came to see Otto.”
Geoff looks hesitant. “Oh, really?”
Awsten sighs. “Look, I know he doesn’t want to see me, but I don’t actually know what happened between us. I think I forgot when I hit my head. I just want to clear the air between us.”
Geoff glances back above his shoulder. “I have no idea what happened either, but Otto’s been acting weird since you had your accident. I know he's never been really talkative, but he's felt really withdrawn this past month. So just. Be careful with him, okay? I don’t want things to get any worse.”
Awsten nods. He hopes he really isn’t gonna just make things worse. Geoff lets him through the door, and Awsten walks up to Otto's bedroom. He gives Geoff what he hopes is a reassuring smile, and knocks.
Otto doesn’t answer, but Awsten goes in anyway. Otto's sitting at his desk, an open notebook in front of him.
“I don’t know why you've been ignoring me, but we need to talk.”
Otto snaps his head up to look at Awsten. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. “Awsten, you... What are you doing here?”
He might as well get to the point. “I was in memory therapy, right?”
The look on Otto's face says everything. “What do you remember?” he asks.
Awsten shrugs. “Not much. I remember Travis giving me something and me being upset about it.”
Otto doesn’t look surprised at the mention of Travis's name. “That’s all?”
Awsten purses his lips and nods.
Otto looks down and winces like he's in pain. “Fuck, this is why I didn’t wanna see you. I knew you wouldn’t remember the things I do, and that. You have no idea how shitty that feels.”
“So remind me,” says Awsten.
Otto laughs humorlessly. “Like that’s all that easy. Besides, you don’t actually want to remember. I'm pretty sure you reported yourself.”
“So? Otto, I don’t care what I wanted a month ago, because anything would be better than this, better than you not talking to me!” And Awsten means it. Otto’s his best friend, and he doesn’t want to lose him. Not like this.
Otto lets out a resigned sigh. “Okay. I'll try.” He motions for Awsten to come closer. “Take a look at this.”
Awsten steps forward to see what Otto’s talking about. It's a drawing inside the notebook. It seems to be something resembling a public bathroom.
“They’re not really that good or anything, but I just needed something to remind me of everything, because if I don’t, it's like it didn’t even happen.”
Awsten remembers flashes. An agreement, chests moving in sync against each other, a wall behind his back. It feels wrong somehow, but more real than anything he's felt this past month.
Otto turns a page. It's rickety shelves, crammed with boxes. “Is that...”
“The storage room at the record store, yeah. Do you remember?”
Awsten thinks for a bit, digging around his memories. He remembers excitement, and then horror, and Jawn's shocked face. “I remember... something.”
Otto hums, and turns the notebook to the first page. It would be a little hard to discern for anyone else, but looking at it, Awsten remembers crystal clear. He remembers bright lights, and that warm feeling, and. Oh. Oh, he understands.
“You,” he starts. Otto looks at him. “You got the colors wrong. It was pink, green, and yellow.”
Otto blinks.
Awsten kneels down so he's closer to Otto’s level, and turns Otto around to face him. He remembers spinning around on this chair as he was sitting in Otto’s lap. He grabs Otto’s hands.
“I'm an idiot, aren’t I?” he asks.
Otto smiles at him. “Yeah. Yeah, you kinda are,” he says, then takes his hands from Awsten’s only to grab his face instead and pull him into a dizzying kiss.
And with it, everything comes rushing back. It's a little overwhelming, to be honest, and Awsten shakes with the intensity of it.
When it's over, he pulls away with a laugh. “Guess they need to do a better job next time, huh?”
Otto leans his forehead against Awsten’s. “Don’t even joke about that.”
Awsten raises his hands to run them through Otto’s hair. “Don’t worry, there won’t be a next time.”
“So, you changed your mind about wanting to forget?”
Awsten takes a deep breath. “I never actually wanted it. I think I was overreacting a little bit.” And having all of it replayed in his head all at once sort of helped put everything into perspective.
“You think?” Otto asks with a chuckle.
“Shut up, I was having a moment! Besides, it wasn’t anything we couldn’t fix.”
Otto hums his agreement. “So, what now?” he asks a few moments later.
Awsten shrugs. “We'll figure it out.”
“What about our Plans?”
“Dude, fuck our Plans! I don’t care what I have to do, I'll run away with you if I need to, but I'm not giving up on you ever again.” Awsten’s surprised to realize that he means it. All of it.
Otto kisses him. “Good. Good, yeah, me too.”
Awsten knows it's not going to be easy. He knows sooner or later someone's gonna notice that they diverted from their Plan, but they’ll figure it out when the time comes. They’ll make it up as they go. And it's scary, terrifying even to be so unsure of his future after following his Plan for almost 22 years.
But there’s at least one thing Awsten knows for sure. He loves Otto, and Otto loves him. And as long as they have each other, things are going to be okay.