Work Text:
"If I walk away everything will fall apart."
"Yeah? Then I want you to walk away."
25th November, 9:05 PM
Wooyoung was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling with unshed tears in his eyes. It's been exactly a month since he's last seen san and it would be a lie if he said he didn't miss him. But how could he not miss him? How could he not miss him when he was so used to waking up to san's face every morning, when after an exhausting day at college he'd come back to san's warm embrace. How could he just forget him when every part of wooyoung ached without his presence.
It's not fair, wooyoung thinks. How he's barely holding onto life while san, well he doesn't really know how he's doing.
Wooyoung hasn't seen him during classes and neither has anyone else. It's like the earth has swallowed him whole and he's never going to come back. Like he's never going to see wooyoung again.
Did wooyoung mean nothing to san? Was it all a lie? Did he really mean every hurtful thing he said to wooyoung that night?
Wooyoung's not doing good and he sees it. In the way yeosang has been too gentle with him these past few weeks, how hongjoong always takes time to drop by to check up on him, how mingi would stay till late by his side even though he'd have an early class the next morning. He sees it in himself, every morning when he walks up to the mirror in his bathroom and is greeted with a boy who's so broken that it's difficult to even look at him.
Wooyoung wants nothing but to have san with him again. Nothing would make him feel better than the older's arms around him and his comforting words soothing all his pain away. He knows he's being pathetic but he can't help it. He loves san more than he's ever loved anyone in his life. He loves san even though he knows he shouldn't, even though he knows the older probably doesn't feel the same.
San came into his life like a rushing wave and swallowed him to the point of no return. And maybe wooyoung didn't want to return. He let himself believe that all those soft touches, warm embraces, soothing words were real. He let himself get fooled by crescent eyes and dimpled smiles.
Wooyoung still can't help but believe that there was something real between them. Like when he'd catch san staring at him with his stupid smile when wooyoung would be busy with his homework. When that one time he'd gotten so angry at this guy who looked at wooyoung wrong, san had ended up with bruising knuckles only, couldn't say the same for the other guy though. When san would press a kiss to wooyoung's forehead thinking he was fast asleep in his bed. The little murmurs of i like you when they'd be cuddling under the blankets. It all felt so real, it still does.
A small smile appears on wooyoung's sad face as he recalls the sweet memories filled with nothing but love. But soon that love was replaced by hurt. And the ache returns.
Wooyoung knew what he was getting himself into when he agreed to be san's boyfriend. San, the boy who never dated, gave a cold shoulder to anyone who'd come across him, had a stone for a heart. San wasn't an ideal person to be in a relationship with but wooyoung couldn't help falling for the boy who had whispered comforting words into wooyoung's head when he needed it the most.
San and wooyoung had barely known eachother then, one fateful night at a party (ofcourse) when wooyoung had received the news of his grandma passing away and he couldn't even be with her in her last moments. Wooyoung felt devastated as he held onto the phone, with his brother giving him the news. He couldn't think straight, he could feel tears well up in his eyes and he wanted to get away from all the people around him. So without thinking and knowing he went into the first room his eyes fell upon and soon he found himself falling to the ground, letting his tears fall where no one could see or hear him.
He didn't know for how long he was crying when he heard a sweet voice break into the atmosphere.
"Hey um, it's been like twenty mins since you've started crying and i was waiting till you stop but you aren't stopping and i'm kinda worried."
Wooyoung looked up trying to wipe his tears to see who was in front of him and then he was greeted with a boy he's definitely seen before (at college and at parties yeosang dragged him to) but never had spoken to.
"I'm sorry- i didn't know someone was-, someone was in here, i'll g-go", wooyoung said hiccuping more than he'd like but not like he could help himself.
"You're wooyoung right? jung wooyoung?"
Saying wooyoung wasn't surprised that san knew him would've been a lie and it must've been seen on his face as san added, "We had this literature class together last year, I'm san if you remember", he said, rubbing the back of his neck and if wooyoung would've been in his right mind he would've seen the the flush covering the older's neck.
Wooyoung stopped himself before he could scoff because of course he remembers san. San's hard to miss and with all the gossiping about him, wooyoung didn't know how san thought he wouldn't remember him.
"Yeah, I remember", wooyoung said as he wiped his face of the remaining tears but then he felt new tears form in his eyes as he remembered why he was crying in the first place.
"Hey, hey it's okay", san said as he moved towards wooyoung, holding his shoulders and guiding him through the room, "I'm gonna get you some water okay? sit down please."
Wooyoung sat down on the edge of the bed, still unable to stop crying. He couldn't believe he lost a person so close to his heart so suddenly and he couldn't even see her one last time.
Someone sitting on the bed beside him broke his thoughts. It was san, with a glass of water in his hand.
"Here, please drink, you've been crying for so long your throat must hurt."
Wooyoung couldn't argue with that, so he took the glass and drank the water in small sips.
"There you go, it's okay", san had his hand on wooyoung's back, trying to calm him down and it was clearly working.
"Thank you", wooyoung said as he finished drinking the water. "Sorry for bothering you, i should go-
"You aren't bothering me and I'm not gonna let you go till you tell me why you were crying."
Wooyoung took some time letting san's words settle in on his mind and before wooyoung could say anything, san spoke again. "Did some asshole out there do something to you? Tell me their name and I'm gonna take care of it."
Wooyoung didn't know why he felt warm all of a sudden but he didn't dwell on it.
"No, it's not that, I'm just- it's my-"
With any other stranger wooyoung would've been out the room by now, he didn't even know why he was making so much effort in telling san about his grandma but something inside of him wanted to talk so he let himself speak.
"My grandma- she, my brother just called me and said she's not- that she passed away yesterday morning", a new rush of tears formed in wooyoung's eyes as the words left his mouth but san was quick to place the glass previously in wooyoung's hand on the small table as he moved towards wooyoung.
"It's okay, let it out, it's gonna be fine", san was saying as he guided wooyoung to lay his head on san's chest and maybe wooyoung did feel bad about staining san's shirt with his tears but he couldn't stop leaning in on san to find comfort in his words and actions.
After that wooyoung had found himself spending more of his time with san than anybody else. They'd become fast friends, finding things in common even when their worlds were so different from each other.
25th November, 9:45 PM
Wooyoung shuffled in his bed, unable to remember when the tears had started to wet his cheeks. It's his birthday tomorrow but he can't feel excited about it. Even when yeosang had told him he'd get him a cake on his way back after his midnight shift at the store he works at. He can't feel any sort of happiness, no matter what hongjoong hyung says about time making everything easier and happier, he just can't bring himself to find happiness in anything anymore.
He had been so excited about his birthday as it was his first birthday that he was gonna be spending with san and san was equally as excited telling him that he's preparing the best birthday wooyoung had ever had in his life.
Wooyoung laughs bitterly at the thought, he had been so stupid believing everything san said to him. And now look at where it brought him, alone and broken with san nowhere to be seen.
Wooyoung's eyes fall onto a picture of himself on his wall of memories, standing in front of a rollercoaster ride, san had took it and wooyoung wonders if mingi didn't know the picture held a memory of san when he'd put out all other pictures that included even a hair of the older in it.
It was san's birthday, the day they went to the amusement park because san had never really been to such places when he was a kid as his parents were always out of town for business stuff. Wooyoung had taken it upon himself to do everything san hadn't had the chance to due to his busy parents.
So when wooyoung had suggested going to the amusement park for san's birthday, san's face had lit up so brightly that even the sun wouldn't compare to it.
It was the last ride they'd been on when san told wooyoung to stand in front of it because he was mesmerized by how pretty wooyoung looked that night. Wooyoung had tried covering up his flush cheeks as san took his pictures. And then san had walked up to him and had pressed his lips against wooyoung's for the very first time, stealing his breath away.
Wooyoung could never forget how it felt to have san's soft lips against his own as they stood under the stars, in their own little world where his heart wasn't broken and san was all his to love.
25th November, 10:28 PM
It's been a month since wooyoung's last felt san's hands in his own but it feels like it's been years. The longing feels too painful, too difficult to bare and wooyoung thinks if he's ever gonna move on. Even the thought of moving on, of accepting that san has left him is too much for wooyoung to handle.
So he cries, because that's what he's always done. He cried when his grandma died, cried when he couldn't get the grades he'd expected, cried when his brother had left for college, cried when san pushed him away.
Wooyoung still doesn't know what he'd done for san to push him away. Maybe it was san's own insecurities eating him up because as much as wooyoung reminded him that he's never gonna leave, san still wouldn't seem to believe him. San spent his time with wooyoung as if wooyoung would disappear at any moment of his life.
Wooyoung could see it, the way san's lips lingered a little longer against wooyoung's after they'd kissed, the way san would squeeze his hand a little tighter before letting him go, the way san looked at him like he didn't deserve wooyoung. And the fact that wooyoung couldn't win against san's thoughts is so real that wooyoung feels helpless.
25th November, 11:02 PM
It's a Saturday night and wooyoung should be sleeping considering he doesn't have anything else to do but he can't help his thoughts, can't help the ache that's familiarized itself in wooyoung's heart for the past weeks.
He sits up unable to stop his tears, he's fully sobbing now. He's so wrecked and broken that he doesn't know what's gonna happen to him if he doesn't let san know that he loves him. That he's willing to do everything in his power to make san his. That the voices in san's head are all wrong and wooyoung will never leave him. He pushes himself off the bed onto his feet, he doesn't know where he's planning to go but he needs to get out of here, this bed, this room has so many memories filled with san that he feels like he's suffocating, air running thin in his lungs. He pushes past his bedroom door, still crying with no one to hold him. He manages to slip on a jacket before he picks up the car keys to open the door and leave the apartment but the sight that greets him when he does is both terrifying and relieving.
He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand to get rid of the tears to see better.
It's san. His san. He's crouched down on the floor, with his head hung low and the wall supporting his back. He isn't looking up but wooyoung can hear light sobs out of him. And right at this moment wooyoung wants nothing but to hold him close. So he crouches down in front of him and places his hand on san's shoulder. San visibly flinches and looks up and wooyoung can't help the tears that slips out of his own eyes when he sees the older's face.
San's eyes are bloodshot like he's been crying for hours and he looks so pale and thin and wooyoung feels another lump form in his throat. San looks like he wants to say something but he can't form words and is looking at wooyoung like he's dreaming and wooyoung would vanish into thin air if he closes his eyes.
Even though wooyoung feels like he could collapse in the older's arms right now, he makes an effort to stand up but then san's holding him down.
"Don't- don't leave me", san says. It's barely a murmur as he holds onto wooyoung's hands and looks up at him with those eyes and wooyoung feels his heart break all over again.
"We're going inside, g-get up", wooyoung manages out and his voice doesn't sound like his anymore. He holds onto san's hands as the older tries getting up. They hold onto each other for support and move inside the apartment. Wooyoung gestures san to sit on the couch while he closes the door.
"I'll bring water for you", wooyoung says as he walks up to the kitchen. Funny how wooyoung's the one bringing water for san now, trying to calm him down. Honestly, wooyoung has no idea what's happening and why has he even let san inside his apartment but he couldn't just leave san at his doorstep either. He's loved san too much for him to be so cruel.
Love. He really does love san.
And it's ironic how it comes as a revelation to him now when he doesn't even know what their relationship is. When he doesn't even know if san's going to stay.
Wooyoung puts the glass of water on the table next to the couch and goes to sit on the opposite side of san.
Both of them are silent for a moment and san doesn't make any move to drink the water wooyoung just brought.
"San-
"I'm-
They both start at the same time and then abruptly stop. San continues though.
"I'm sorry." san says and wooyoung doesn't know what he's apologizing for.
"For what?"
"For hurting you."
"Sorry isn't gonna fix everything right?"
"Yeah", san breathes and wooyoung isn't getting the point of this conversation anymore. He just wants everything to go back the way it was, to hold san the way he used to.
"I came here to- to wish you a happy birthday", san says like it's the most difficult thing he's ever had to do and wooyoung's heart aches in his chest.
He knows him and san can't go back to what they were if san continues to not talk to him so he stands up.
"I can't help you if you don't talk to me", wooyoung says with all this strength.
"I didn't come here to talk, i just told you i wanted to-
"San you've hurt me enough, you've hurt yourself enough, you need me just the way i need you."
"I'm sorry", san says on the verge of tears as he stands up and moves towards the door to leave.
"Why are you running away from me?", wooyoung tries but san's not stopping.
"San you walk out that door and you'll lose me for real this time", wooyoung's borderline begging now but san still has his back towards wooyoung.
"San i know you're not doing any better please let me help you, let me take care of you, san please-
"Why? Why do you care?"
A beat passes, Why? Why does wooyoung care? maybe because all this time being away from san had him clutching his chest trying to subside the pain. The pain, not from the heartbreak but from the worry about how san was doing. Maybe because his mind wandered to san no matter what he was thinking about.
Or maybe he was just selfish. Selfish to feel those arms around him again, selfish to have the older care for him again, selfish to have a person to run back to.
"Because I-, san i'm-
"No", san says still having his back towards wooyoung, "don't say it, you don't know what you're thinking-
"San-
"Wooyoung no-
"I'm in love with you."
"I'm deeply and desperately in love with you."
San doesn't say anything back but wooyoung can see how his whole posture gives up and suddenly he's trembling, whole body shaking. San stumbles backwards trying to hold onto something, anything but then his legs give up and he's a crying mess on the floor.
Wooyoung surges forward to where san is and holds him close and god does it feel devastating having san in his arms again.
"I know it's hurting but you're strong, we are strong san, my love is stronger than whatever the hell your mind's telling you and you can't give up, please san I don't want you to give up on us."
"b-but you, you deserve so much better than-, than me, I made you cry, I make you cry, hell I didn't even tell you how much i love you all this time", san says through tears and wooyoung's about to retort that san is his better person and it doesn't matter but then san's words hit him and he goes stiff.
what did san just say?
how much i love you all this time- how much i love you- i love you-
"What did you just say to me?", his voice trembles as he gets the words out.
"Woo you don't deserve me, you deserve someone who doesn't leave you because of their own insecurities-
"Sh-shut up", wooyoung breathes out and moves away from san and it seems like his mind has gone blank and he can't register anything san's saying to him, "you just told me you-, san", wooyoung looks up at san with pleading eyes because he wants to hear it again, no, he needs to hear it again.
"san please", wooyoung chokes out again and he can't stop the tears streaming down his face.
"Woo", san looks so fucking sad and broken and wooyoung's just as broken as he stares back at san with teary eyes.
"Fuck, san just please, I wanna hear it please i wanna hear you say it to me, just once san please."
Something breaks in san because wooyoung can see how his entire world comes crashing down as his eyes go from desperation to something else wooyoung can't name and he moves towards wooyoung until he's only a breath away from him. Until wooyoung feels soft hands holding his face.
He's so close wooyoung can locate all the beauty marks on his face. It's been so long since he's done that, just stare at san and his beautiful face and how he makes wooyoung's heart flip just by existing.
San's still staring at him with tears in his eyes and wooyoung's so desperate to close the distance between them but first he wants san to say the words he's been longing to hear since all those nights they spent together holding each other close.
"Young-ah", san says above a whisper, his voice hoarse and wooyoung can see his lips trembling. He takes a deep breath like he's building all his strength to finally admit what he's been keeping in his heart for too long.
A moment passes and wooyoung presses his forehead against san's, sharing the air san's breathing and then he hears it, the words are faint, almost a murmur that he would've missed them if they weren't so close to each other and he wants to say it back but san's speaking again, loud and clear this time, "I love you", san says like he wants to familiarize the words on his tongue for wooyoung, "I've loved you since the day I saw you enter our literature class with glasses perched up on your nose and a laugh that was so endearing, my heart could come out of my chest", he says, a breathy laugh vibrating his chest and wooyoung melts.
"I love you", san says again, "And I was so scared for how much I craved you and your love just by watching from afar that I never made a move to talk to you but then one night you came barging into my room and my heart and i couldn't stop myself from finally falling for you. Finally admitting that there was no one I'd rather fall for than you. And then I fell and fell and fell deeper into your world to the point where I couldn't distinguish between you and I."
"I love you so much, more than I knew I was capable of, more than I could ever love anyone else, you're everything to me wooyoung and I'm scared I'm gonna mess it up."
If wooyoung was crying before he doesn't know what he's doing now, san's still holding his face, they're still breathing the same air but now wooyoung's heard words he was never certain of and san's here making sure wooyoung knows it's all real, every word, every touch, every kiss, it was all real.
san loves wooyoung just like wooyoung loves san.
"San", he says and then san's closing the distance between them and oh, san's lips have never felt this soft before. They've kissed each other countless times before but nothing could compare to this. All those kisses where wooyoung was left breathless doesn't stand anywhere near this. This feels, for the lack of a better word, surreal, like he's on cloud nine and nothing can pull him down.
Wooyoung breaks their kiss and his heart does that stupid thing again when san chases his lips, eyes still closed. And he can't help but press their lips together again for a brief second until he's pulling away again.
"You don't have to be scared san-ah, I'll always be here with you", he says softly, slowly, like he's afraid something will shatter if he speaks louder.
"What if I push you away like last time?"
"I'm never leaving you again so go ahead and do it, try and push me away and all you'll find is me holding onto you tighter."
"I don't know what I did to deserve you woo", san says as he runs his thumbs along wooyoung's cheeks.
"We're meant to be each other's and I want you to hold onto that san."
"God I'll do anything for you, everything for you, just ask", san says as he leans in and kisses his nose.
"All I want is your lips against mine right now." wooyoung says and who is san to deny him.
26th November, 12:14 AM.
They found themselves seated on the couch after almost fifteen minutes of holding each other close, none making a move to stand up from the floor. The floor was uncomfortable from the start but wooyoung had to really pull away from san when his leg started to get numb and san, the angel he was, pulled him in his arms and went to sit on the couch.
Now, san was sitting on the couch with wooyoung in his lap, kissing him all over his face.
"Wooyoung", san says breathless as wooyoung continues to pepper him with kisses.
"Woo", san giggles, "I'm not going anywhere."
"Yeah but I missed you." Another kiss.
"Young-ah, let me wish my baby a happy birthday. I'm already fifteen mins late", san says as he holds wooyoung's face in his hands.
Wooyoung blushes at the nickname but still leans into san's hands.
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"Just you, here with me."
"That can be arranged", san says as he pecks wooyoung's lips and he's looking at wooyoung with nothing but love in his eyes. There's a hint of sadness too which can be felt as he utters his next words, "I'm sorry woo, for being a coward-
"San-ah", wooyoung interrupts but san's speaking again, "Just, just hear me out please", he says and wooyoung gives a slight nod as he wraps his arms around san's neck.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, for getting scared of your love, for pushing you away, for all the nights you had to sleep alone crying to yourself, I'm sorry. I know I don't really deserve it but thank you", san says as his thumb caresses his cheek, "Thankyou for giving me another chance, thank you for not giving up on us. I promise I'll make it up to you, I promise I'll be strong for you and I promise to never leave you again. I love you so much wooyoung, more than I can ever express in words."
Wooyoung doesn't know when the tears start falling down his face but he feels the wetness being wiped away by san's careful hands.
"Don't cry please", san says again in a vulnerable voice wooyoung's never heard from him before, "I still have- I got something for you, for your birthday I mean."
"What is it?", wooyoung asks softly to which san gestures him off his lap and he begrudgingly gets off to sit beside him, pressing against his side.
San reaches for his jean's pocket and takes out a small pouch, it's black with a golden ribbon holding it close, "It's something I've been working on for the past few months", he says, the familiar flush creeping up his neck visible, "And I wanted to give you this on your birthday", voice soft, he places the pouch in wooyoung's hands and waits for him to open it.
Wooyoung's too surprised to process the fact that san took out the time to make something for him from his busy schedule. Wooyoung has an idea of what it could be as san has had a hobby of making rings and pendants out of precious stones in his free time and it's just that, a hobby. He never makes them to sell or profit off of them and it already feels too special that the older one made it for him.
He opens the pouch and empties it on his hand which no doubt reveals a beautiful gemstone, carved into a small silver leaf like carrier, hanging off of a silver chain, "It's turquoise", san supplies from beside him and yes he knows it's turquoise because him and san had spent a whole day going through gemstones when san had first told him about his hobby, "It's the stone of your star sign", san says again and wooyoung knows that too because he had bitched about not having a black colored gemstone for his star sign for days after he found out. And all san had done was utter a small "I like the color of the sea" and wooyoung had dropped all his distaste for the stone in an instant.
"It's the color..
"Of the sea", he completes san's sentence and it's so endearing how san still looks shy, "I love it", he says, looking at san earnestly, hoping san can see how much this means to him.
"Aren't you going to say something cheesy like It represents your love for me like the oceans and skies", san laughs, all beautiful with his dimples finally making their way onto his cheeks.
"You know you're the one with cheesy pick-up lines in this relationship", san answers and wooyoung smacks his arm.
"Good thing you're into boys who use lame pick-up lines."
"More like I'm into you."
Wooyoung blushes.
"Put it on for me?", he says and san obliges.
The pendant hangs off of his neck and reaches till his chest. It's so beautiful and wooyoung feels so loved, with san pressing soft kisses on his neck and his arms secured around wooyoung's waist, promising him more than he'd ever wished for.
"Happy birthday wooyoung."