Archive of Our Own

This was a fucking nightmare.

That's what Regina George kept thinking to herself as she surveyed the town. This wasn't real. It couldn't be, because surely she, Regina George, would never end up in this situation. It wasn't possible.

"How could you put us in this situation?" her brother, Damian, yelled at his father for the third time that day. 

"It's not my fault, son!"

Damian glanced helplessly at Regina. "We're going to die."

Regina pulled out her phone, determination setting in. "Nope. You are going to die, but I am going to call Aaron and have him come pick me up."

"I don't think even Aaron can save you now," Damian replied, his voice heavy with sarcasm. 

"Oh my God, shut up, Damian!" Regina waved a hand in his face. "He has totally come through for me before."

Damian folded his arms. "Yeah? Like when? You mean the time he didn't show up to your birthday party, all Jake Gyllenhall-style? Or the time he abandoned you at a truck stop in fuckin' Nevada because he needed to buy beer? Those times?"

Regina squeezed her eyes shut. "Shut. Up. Damian."

"Damian, come help your mother!" their dad called from the car. Damian made a face, but followed him down the road toward the dingy motel they were stopped at.

Regina pursed her lips, listening to the phone ring. One. Two. Three. Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

If he didn't pick up by the tenth ring, she was hanging up.

Eleven.

She didn't hang up.

Thirteen. Lucky number.

Nope. Fourteen.

Fifteen.

"Regina?"

Thank fuck. "Aaron! Hey. So, no big deal, but apparently our, like, tax dude or whatever screwed us over? I don't know, there's a lot of screaming. Anyway, we've lost pretty much everything except this tiny little town called Schitt's Creek - what kind of name is that, by the way - and I'm just like, totally freaking out and-"

"Hang on, babe." There was muffled conversation, then the sound of footsteps as Aaron presumably made his way out of whatever loud party he was at. "Okay. What do you want?"

Regina tried not to be stung by the harshness of his words. "I need you to come get me," she said quietly. 

"Wh- Gina, no, I can't leave New York right now."

"Why not?"

"I'm just- I can't. I have a million things to do tomorrow and then I leave for Dubai on Tuesday. You're going to have to figure something else out."

Regina blinked. "Like what? My family just lost everything, Aaron, you're the only thing I have left!"

Aaron sighed. "Listen, Gina. I've been thinking, and I'm not sure we're so good for each other."

"What?"

"Just, you seem really dependent on me. I don't think that's healthy."

Regina's stomach dropped. "Are you fucking serious? You're breaking up with me?"

"Yeah. I want you to live your own life, y'know?"

"Live my own life?" Regina turned to face the sun, anger burning in her gut. "When have I ever asked you for anything? I've paid for meals. I've gone on stupid dates to those lame movies you like, I've let you drag me all over the world because of your stupid job. I ask you for one thing, one time, and we're done?"

She could hear the grimace in his voice. "See, this is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd go all crazy."

"I am not crazy!" Regina shouted into the phone, earning some raised eyebrows from Damian and her parents. "Eat shit, you fucking snake," she said, quieter, this time.

She hung up.

There was a soft crunching sound, and Regina turned to find Damian smiling sadly at her.

"Told you so," He said, but there was no malice behind it.

Regina squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't cry. "It's fine. I can do better than him."

"Damn straight."

"I mean have you seen me?"

"I have."

"People bend over backward for me."

Damian frowned. "Well, I wouldn't go that far."

Regina snorted. "Come on, let's go unload our stuff into this horrifyingly small motel."

"Mind if I take that?" said a voice from behind her, and Regina jumped.

The girl - the clerk lady, Regina remembered now, though she couldn't remember her name - grimaced. "Sorry. We haven't had guests here in like, two years. I'm out of practice."

Regina glanced up at the building. "I believe that."

The girl bit her lip, like maybe she thought that was funny but felt too loyal to the motel to admit it.

"Right. Well, let me take your bags."

She leaned down to pick up Regina's massive pink suitcase, and Regina managed to get a glimpse of her faded nametag. Janis.

Regina and Damian trailed after Janis as she dragged their luggage into a dingy, shockingly small bedroom.

"Okay," Janis said, dumping the luggage uncerimoniously onto one of the beds. "I'm going to go sit in the lobby and play games on my phone. You can use that-" she pointed to an old phone on the bedside table that looked like it most certainly did not work. "-if you need anything."

From the adjacent room, Regina heard her mother yell something about a spider, and she unconciously shifted away from the dark corner of the room. "Right. Bye, uh..."

"Janis." 

Right. The nametag. Regina waved a hand. "Janis."

"Rich people," Janis muttered as she left the room.

Damian slid his suitcase off the first bed and onto the second. "Right, well. I'm going to go to sleep so I can pretend this never happened."

Regina was feeling too hollow to be alone, though. "What, you're just going to take that bed?"

Damian frowned. "Well, I'm not going to take the first one. That's where a murderer would go first."

"You'd let me get murdered first?"

Damian glanced around, as if there were some other answer he was missing. "Uh, yeah, probably."

Regina folded her arms. "Nuh-uh. Nope. You get murdered first, Damian."

She shoved his suitcase off the second bed. "You get murdered first."

"You get murdered first!" He shrieked, kicking his suitcase back in the direction of the second bed. 

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

The adjoining door banged open, and Regina and Damian fell silent.

Mr. Hubbard, Damian's father and Regina's stepfather, glared daggers at them. "Can you two please keep it down? That poor desk lady is terrified already."

Damian snorted. "Yeah, if I had to work here, I'd be scared too."

Regina flicked his ear, but her lips twitched.

Mr. Hubbard sighed. "We're going to get out of here, okay? Just... let me figure something out."

Mrs. George, Regina's mother, appeared in the doorway. "Figure something out, John? Figure something out?" Her voice was dangerously pitched. "We are all going to die here!"

"Told you," Damian muttered.

Mrs. George let out a wail and disappeared into her bedroom. Mr. Hubbard sent both kids one last frazzled glance, then followed her, closing the door behind her.

"Well." Regina looked at her brother. "This has been... despicable. I'm going for a run."

"I'm taking the second bed."

Regina flipped him off as she hurried out the door.

This town really lived up to it's name, Regina decided as she ran down the dirt road into what she guessed must be the town square. There was practically no one around, and the only buildings were a crumbling town council, a small restaurant, and a frumpy-looking thrift store. Deciding the restaurant was her best bet, Regina slowed to a walk and peered in the window.

Ugh. This was a two-star establishment at best, but she was thirsty. Pulling her sleeves over her hands so as not to risk touching the surely-germ-covered door, Regina walked inside.

"Hi, welcome!" said a perky voice from the counter, and Regina stopped short.

"Oh. Hi." 

The waitress smiled at her, and Regina's stomach swooped. This may be a two-star restaurant, but this girl was definitely a ten.

She read her nametag as she approached. Cady. Who'd have thought someone from such a boring town could have such a cute name?

Cady was looking at her expectantly, and it occured to Regina that she should probably say something. "Um... could I get a smoothie, please?"

"Sure thing!"

Even her voice was adorable. Cady disappeared into the back, and Regina cursed herself. She'd literally just broken up with Aaron; what was wrong with her? She was not going to date someone from fucking Schitt's Creek, of all places. Besides, this was definitely the sort of place that wouldn't take kindly to that sort of thing.

Then again, that desk clerk girl - Janis - had looked like she'd been dressed by Sappho herself, so maybe she was wrong.

By the time Regina was done thinking all these thoughts - stupid thoughts, Regina told herself - Cady had returned from the kitchen holding a pink drink.

"Here you go! Hope it's not terrible." She blushed. "We're out of a few ingredients, so I had to improvise."

Regina couldn't even think of a good comeback. "I... I'm sure it'll be fine." She took a sip, Cady watching eagerly, and nearly choked.

She forced herself to swallow. "It's great!" 

It was not. But this girl was making her do stupid things. Lying to protect someone's feelings - what was she, a character in a movie?

No. Absolutely not. She was Regina George, and she would not be flustered by a pretty girl with freckles.

"So," she said, forcing the iciness back into her voice. "Is this the only acceptable establishment in this town, or is there, like, a boutique, or something... cuter?" 

Cady looked mildly amused. "There was."

"What happened to it?"

"It burned down in 1972."

Regina blinked. "Good God, this town has been here since 1972? Why hasn't anyone done something about that?"

This time, Cady laughed, and Regina felt annoyingly pleased. "I think you'll find the people in this town are more attatched to it than you might think. Who knows, maybe you'll end up liking it too."

Regina scoffed. "I doubt it. I'm only going to be here for a month, tops."

She sat down on a barstool, giving in to the fact that she was probably going to be here for a while. Cady watched her, eyeing her with something dangerously close to pity.

"Sure."

Regina glanced up at her, and yes, this was good. She was annoyed now. It was better to be annoyed than starstruck. "I'm sorry, do you know who I am?"

Cady nodded cheerfully. "You're one of those George-Hubbard people, right? The owners of the town?"

"Yes," Regina said slowly. "Unfortunately. How did you know?"

Cady was wiping down the counter now. "Oh, just your clothes, your hair, your voice, your face..." she glanced up with a grin. "And the fact that you're not pretending to drink that smoothie."

Regina blushed. "I'll still pay for it, I-"

"It's fine." Cady shook her head. "It's refreshing. Most people down the whole thing as if I'm not the one who has to clean up their vomit in the bathrooms later."

Regina snorted. "People are idiots."

"They mean well," Cady said with a shrug.

Dammit. Regina was enchanted again. How could someone who lived in a shithole like this one possibly have such a good outlook on life? It baffled Regina, and bafflement led to curiosity, and that was Regina's weakness. Curiousity and attraction were all muddled in her brain, which had not worked out well for her in the past. "I'm Regina," she found herself saying.

"I know." She grinned. "I read up on your family. Was curious.

Regina flinched, but the girl either didn't notice or didn't care. "I'm Cady."

"I know," Regina said before she could stop herself. Cady glanced up, suprised, and Regina pointed. "Name tag."

"Oh. Right." Cady blushed again, and Regina decided she'd better remove herself from the situation.

"I should go," she said, standing up and fishing in her pockets for money. "Oh, shit."

Cady raised an eyebrow. "Forgot your wallet?"

Regina winced. "Yeah, I ran here, I didn't think to- here, I'll run to the motel and-"

"Regina." Cady laughed. "It's fine. You didn't even drink the smoothie."

"But you went to all the trouble."

Wait. What? Regina didn't care about people's troubles. This girl was seriously putting a spell on her.

"It's fine," Cady said again. "Go. Enjoy your impossibly small motel room."

"How did you-"

"I know everything."

Regina's eyes widened - this was dangerously close to flirting - and Cady mistook it for shock.

"I'm kidding. I used to date the girl who works there. Janis?"

"Oh." Do not think, do not breathe, do not even consider the fact that she dated a girl. "Right."

"Have a good day!" Cady called as Regina walked out the door.

An hour ago, Regina would have laughed at the prospect, but it was seeming more and more likely by the second.

"Where have you been?" Damian asked the second Regina stepped foot inside the motel.

Regina became very interested in untangling her earbuds. "I went for a run. I said that before I left."

Damian set down his phone. "You were gone, for, like, ever, though."

"Was I?" Regina feigned ignorance. "I don't think so."

He sighed and sat up. "Did you at least see anything interesting?"

Regina gave him a look.

"Did you see anything more terrible than what we've already seen?" Damian amended.

"I went to a restaurant. It didn't seem particularly clean."

Damian's eyebrows shot up. "Restaurant? Were there people there?"

"Just the server. What have you been doing?" Regina asked in a weak attempt to change the subject.

"Was the server, like, a reasonable human that got stuck here like the desk lady, or...?"

Regina's eyebrows knitted together. "I dunno, man, she seemed, like, fine? Why do you care?"

"Just want to know what sort of people we're surrounded by."

"Well, it doesn't matter, because we're getting out of here," Regina said forcefully, collapsing onto the first bed. 

There was a beat of silence, long enough to scare Regina.

"Right, Damian?" She asked, glancing over at her brother. "Right?"

Damian looked uncomfortable. "Well... Dad says he talked to the mayor and that before we bought it-"

"He bought it."

"-before he bought it, nobody had been able to sell it for over fifty years."

Regina's mouth fell open. "You're kidding."

He grimaced. "Wish I was."

"God!" Regina grabbed a pillow and buried her face in it. "We're going to fucking die," she moaned, her voice muffled.

"That's what I've been saying." Damian picked up a book from the bedside table and began thumbing through it. "The desk lady is nice, though. Janis?"

Regina lifted her head. "That girl? Nice?"

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, not nice, but reasonable, at least. She doesn't seem any happier to be here than we are."

"Anyone who's happy to be here is a fucking psychopath," Regina replied, even as her mind flashed to the definitely-non-psychopath girl from the diner. What had she said? I think you'll find the people in this town are more attatched to it than you might think. Who knows, maybe you'll end up liking it too.

Fat chance. Regina George barely even liked real towns. Or anything, really.

Damian sighed. "Listen, Janis said there's a party later tonight. We could go."

"I'm kind of terrified of what people from this town might think a party is."

"Yeah, but wouldn't it be better to be miserable somewhere where there's alcohol than be miserable in this tiny little room?"

Regina blinked. "Let's party!"

This had been a terrible idea.

Regina should have known that a Schitt's Creek idea of a "party" was little else than a campfire in a parking lot. Not the sort of Friday night she was used to. 

Plus, Cady wasn't there. Not that Regina was waiting around for her, or anything. She'd just noticed. 

"You hate it here, don't you?" said a voice from somewhere around Regina's elbow. She jumped and turned to see the motel clerk, Janis, smirking at her.

"I-wh- why would you sneak up on me like that?"

Janis shrugged. "You made it pretty easy. You're just standing here angsting."

Regina rolled her eyes. "Well, forgive me if I expected a little better."

"The town's name is Schitt's Creek, what did you think was going to happen?"

Regina grunted and took another sip of her (terrible) beer. "I dunno."

Janis had already lost interest. She was gazing across the parking lot at a figure getting out of their car. Regina followed her gaze and felt her heart leap into her chest at the sight of a mane of auburn hair. 

Her thoughts were confirmed when Janis grinned and waved to the figure. "Caddy! Over here!"

The girl stepped into the light, and yep, fuck, it was the waitress. "Janis, hey." Her eyes lit up when she saw Regina. "It's you!"

Janis frowned. "You've met."

Cady laughed. "Yeah, I poisoned her with one of my infamous smoothies earlier."

Janis grimaced. "Oof. I'm sorry," she said to Regina.

"Yeah, it wasn't my favorite experience," Regina said, but her tone was light. "Remind me how you guys know each other, again?" she asked, even though she definitely remembered. She just didn't appreciate the way Janis's arm was slung around Cady's shoulders.

"We're friends," Janis answered at the exact same time that Cady replied, "We used to date."

Regina took a sip of her beer. Sure, she might be a bit jealous, but causing this sort of chaos was what she excelled at anyway.

Janis groaned. "Dude, you've got to stop introducing us like that. It's weird."

Cady looked amused. "Maybe if you didn't have such a satisfying reaction I wouldn't have to do it every time."

"It sounds like there's a story here," said a voice from beside Regina, and she jumped again.

"Jesus Christ, Damian, when did you show up?"

He just shrugged, and Regina rolled her eyes. He probably smelled drama and wanted to crash it.

Cady waved a hand. "Oh, it's no big deal. We dated for a couple months, but then Janis took a job in New York and we broke up."

Janis sighed. "When that job failed craptastically, I had to move back here, and it just seemed more natural for us to be friends."

Regina's eyes narrowed - she'd been involved in enough celebrity break-ups to know that "better off as friends" was a poor excuse. But Damian stepped on her toe just purposefully enough to remind her that it wasn't her place to pry. Instead, she chose a different tactic. "It must have been rough to have to go from here to fucking New York and back."

Janis shrugged. "A little. But as much as I hate this town, I kinda love it too."

Damian raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck does that mean?"

Janis just grinned ominously. "Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out for yourselves soon enough."

Cady stopped by the motel the next day, much to Regina's secret delight.

"I thought you might want a hangover cure," she said when Regina opened the door. "You got a bit wasted last night."

Regina didn't remember getting wasted, but then again, she was having trouble remembering her own name while faced by this girl. "Oh. Thanks." She eyed the smoothie in Cady's hand.

Cady followed her gaze and smirked. "Don't worry, Janis made it."

Regina accepted the glass, and because she was just a little too hungover to think straight, she asked, "You guys hang out a lot, huh?"

Cady sighed. "I figured you might think it's weird."

"Yeah, Cady, it is pretty fucking weird."

Regina winced as soon as she said it, worried she'd gone a little too far, but Cady just laughed. "Yeah, I guess it is from the outside. But come on, you can't tell me you've never had a dysfunctional relationship with an ex."

"So you admit it's dysfunctional."

Cady rolled her eyes. "Listen, when you live in a town this small, it's not like you can avoid each other. Isn't it better to work shit out and be friends?"

Janis's face appeared in the doorway. "Ooh, are you guys talking about me?"

From within the room, Damian's groggy voice floated into the air. "Yes, and they're being very loud about it."

Janis grinned. "Hi, Damian."

He sat up, rubbing his eyes with his palm. "Last night was simultaneously the worst and best night of my life."

"Title of your sex tape," Janis said cheerfully. "Am I still giving you a tour of the town?"

Damian frowned. "I do not remember agreeing to that."

"You did, I was there," Cady said quickly. Janis gave her a look, and some unspoken phrase seemed to pass between the two women that Regina didn't know how to interpret.

Janis turned back to Damian. "There you have it."

Damian looked like he wanted to murder everyone in the room, but begrudgingly stood and grabbed a sweater. "Fine. Reggie, if I don't return, please assume Janis has murdered me."

"Just for the nickname, I'll be rooting for her," Regina called as they disappeared out the door.

Cady folded her arms. "Reggie?"

"Please don't."

"Reggie?"

Regina gave her a look. "I'm gonna start calling you Caddy or some shit."

Cady pushed past her into the hotel room. "Janis already figured that one out."

"Of course she did," Regina muttered.

She could tell Cady heard by the way she eyed her as she sat down on the second bed. "You know she's doing you a favor, right? You could stand to be nice."

"What favor? And I'm sorry, but if you're looking for 'nice', you're not gonna find it here." She sat down beside Cady, hands folded primly on her lap.

"She got Damian out of the motel, isn't that a favor to you? And by the way, I think you're way nicer than you pretend to be." 

Regina narrowed her eyes. "You've known me for less than twenty-four hours."

"You don't seem like the type to be bothered by that sort of thing."

She had her there. "What if I'm just nice to you?"

"You've known me less than twenty-four hours," Cady said softly, and suddenly Janis noticed how close their faces were.

"Touche," she murmured back.

And then they were kissing, and it was perfect, but no, she couldn't do this, not this time-

"Cady."

She pulled away. "I just got out of a breakup."

Cady closed her eyes. "Yeah. Was afraid of that."

"I just-"

"I know. It's okay."

It wasn't, but Janis nodded. "Friends?"

"Friends."

Friends was not an easy thing to be.

Especially when it became clear that the town would never get sold, and Regina would have to stay here until she either got enough money to get her out or started dating someone who could. The second option was hindered by the fact that Cady's smile still made her heart flutter, even after seveneightnineohgodten months.

Friends was forced into existence because there was no other option. And not until the anniversary of the day they'd moved did it occur to Regina that friends was not a forever sort of thing.

She was sitting at the diner, watching Cady wipe down the counters, when it happened. 

"Are there really no other employees?" she asked, not for the first time.

Cady smiled wryly. "I did offer you a job, remember? You said, and I quote, 'I don't work in places with paper napkins'."

"Exactly, so why should you have to?"

Cady put down her rag and leaned across the counter, and even though it had been a year, Regina's stupid stomach did a cartwheel. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Yes," Regina breathed, trying not to be too obvious about the fact that she was currently inhaling the scent of Cady's perfume. 

"I don't have to." Cady pushed off of the counter and slipped through the doorway into the dining area. "I do it because I want to."

"What do you mean?" Regina asked, trailing after Cady as she set about wiping down tables.

Cady smiled. "I won the lottery. A few years ago. I'm not telling you the amount, but it was enough to launch my status almost to the level of yours."

Regina's mouth fell open. "Seriously? And you didn't immediately flee this hellhole?"

Cady laughed. "No. I love this town. I love talking to all the regulars, and I love being the reliable person they can count on to make terrible smoothies."

"But..."

"But nothing. I own this restaurant, you know. I could hire employees if I wanted to. But I don't, because I don't want anyone to feel stuck. Like Janis did."

Regina opened her mouth and closed it again. "I wouldn't feel stuck."

"What, working at this restaurant?"

"I mean, maybe, because the floors are unnaturally sticky, but... I don't feel stuck."

She realized it was true as soon as she said it. Sure, she couldn't leave, but she didn't want to. "I don't want to leave this place."

Cady smirked at her. "Yeah. Thought that might happen. This town has a way of rubbing off on people."

Regina swallowed. "I don't want to leave you, either."

"Yeah?" Cady grinned. "That's good."

She was standing very close, Regina noticed, and it occurred to her all at once that she hadn't thought about Aaron in at least six months. She wasn't "just getting out of a breakup" anymore.

"Hey, Cady?"

"Yes, Reggie?"

"Don't do that. But, uh... I know we said we would be friends..."

Cady tilted her head to the side. "We did do that."

"Yeah. But it's been a year."

"Hmm. So it has."

"I don't... I don't think I want just friends, anymore."

"No?"

"No."

"Not still hung up on Aaron?"

"Honestly, I sort of forgot about him until just now."

Cady grinned. "Huh. Interesting."

"Interesting, indeed."

Cady leaned in, but Regina stopped her. 

"What now?" Cady asked, exasperated.

"I just... this is the first time I've ever done a relationship right, is all. I'm savoring the moment."

"Well, I've been savoring moments with you for a whole-ass year, now, so you're going to have to catch up."

Regina laughed and kissed her, and wondered why her father's tax attorney couldn't have fucked up sooner.