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You have known Niko your whole live. You grew up next door to his family, you went to school together, played in the streets together, even shared your first cigarette together. He was the first boy you ever kissed. Not because you were in love with him, but because you were a girl growing up with a boy and you both wanted to know how it felt. Like kids do. And yeah, when you hit puberty there was a period when you had feelings for him. At that age, you get feelings for anyone who gets close to you. He probably felt things for you as well for a time, but just like you, he never said anything because it didn’t mean anything. You were basically siblings, except for not actually sharing DNA.
A few years ago he started touring with his band, and you went to college. Both of you had your own lives, and that was okay because you knew he’d always be there if you needed him and he knew you’d always be there if he needed you. And when you both were in town you’d meet up at your old hangout and you would talk for hours like no time had passed at all. Or you would just see each other at a bar, sometimes the rest of the band would be there as well, that was always fun. You love Olli’s jokes, and karaoke with Joonas is hilarious. And you can always count on Niko getting you home safely so that’s covered. But then there’s Joel.
Joel is the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen. You didn’t notice that at once. The first few times you met the band, you didn’t really notice Joel at all. He is quite timid, he doesn’t say a lot. Always lingering in the shadows, quietly. As if he’s always in a bad mood, hating to be there at all. But when you pay attention, you see that he is exceptionally amazing. He is so sensitive and sweet. He has a dark sense of humour that not everyone gets but you do. And he gets you. It’s not obvious, but sometimes there is this tiny feeling of some intimate, invisible connection between you two. Or maybe it’s just your imagination running wild, you’re not sure and that makes you insane.
When Niko texted you this afternoon you were delighted to hear from him. It had been a while, and so much had happened since the band went to Eurovision. You were desperate to talk with your friend to see how he was holding up. But he said he wanted to hang out at the bar, and the rest of the band would be there as well. You were still excited, but you didn’t really know how you felt about seeing Joel tonight. It had been a long day, you were tired and you didn’t want Joel to see you like that. You desperately needed him to like you, and for that you needed to be perfect. Not that you really believed you would ever have a real change with him, but still.. Anyway, you couldn’t say no to Niko, so you took a shower, put on some makeup and went to the bar.
Niko and the others were already there, and some alcoholic beverages had been consumed already judging by the festive welcome Joonas and Olli gave you. All of you sat down at a booth in the back. You chatted lightly about the recent events in your lives for a while, making small talk, but soon your tired mind drifted off while the others around you kept chatting and laughing. After a while, Joonas and Aleksi ran off to dance. Olli and Tommi had gone off to talk to some friends they saw entering the bar, while Joel went out for a smoke. Only half conscious you were staring after Joel until Niko started grinning at you. “So you like him, huh?”
Startled by Niko’s forwardness you shot up. “ What do you mean?” You asked carefully, already knowing that he had figured you out.
“Joel, you like him” Niko said plainly.
Sometimes you really hated how open Niko could talk about those things. “Is it really obvious?” You hoped that it was just Niko, who knew you better than anyone, who saw it.
“Well, it is to me, but Joel doesn’t see it. The feeling is mutual though.”
You were not expecting this. Least of all tonight. What the hell were you to do with this information? It probably wasn’t even true anyway. Niko saw the confusion on your face.
“Look, we just need to get the two of you to confess your feelings to each other already.”
You started protesting, but Niko was already calling Joonas and Aleksi. They came back to the table, and Niko explained to them what was going on while you were just sitting there, flushed and scared of what would be coming. Aleksi was ecstatic about the whole thing. “I knew it” he yelled. “Didn’t I call it just the other day?” Joonas nodded in agreement. “Joel has been asking about you, he tried to hide it but he really wanted to see you again. And I had a feeling that you would like to see him as well. We teased him so bad about this.” Joonas was grinning devilishly. “He is so shy though. Not in general I mean, but when it comes to you he closes up. I think he is really insecure about your relationship with Niko.” Now you were even more confused. You had had enough of this, you desperately needed some fresh air. You got up from the bench, and blindly stumbled toward the door, completely forgetting that that was exactly where Joel had went to. You had just reached the door when someone opened it from the other side. Hurried as you were to get out of the stuffy bar, you almost fell into the arms of the man who had opened the door. You didn’t even have to look up to know who it was. You'd know those beautiful, tattood arms anywhere.
“Joel”. He let go of you, looking as if he burned his hands touching you. “It’s you” he said in shock.
When he saw your distressed face, his features softened. “Everything alright?” He asked.
“I don’t know.” You truly didn’t. How could you explain yourself to him without telling him about your feelings? “Niko thinks you and I are in love with each other” you said, giving him a chance to deny it before you had to tell him that was truly how you felt.
“But we are not” Joel said. “I mean, I am, no use in denying that, but you are in love with him. With Niko.”
This night was getting unreal. Did he really say he was in love with you, or did you imagine that? He definitely did say you were in love with Niko though. That was something you had to get out of his head for sure, inconsiderate of what else he was or wasn’t thinking. “I am not in love with Niko, I never have been and never will be. He is like a brother to me.” you said.
“Off course you’re in love with Niko. Everyone is in love with Niko. And I get it. He has the best voice. He is like the fucking CEO of the band. He is the confidant one, kissing Joonas on stage and coming up with the best lyrics all the time. Who wouldn’t love that? I am just like a backing vocalist compared to him, a shadow to his voice. And fucked up mess of mood swings and insomnia to add to that.” Joel looked as if he was in excruciating pain. You wished you could just hug him tight and make it all okay at once, but you knew he had to truly understand. Otherwise he would never be convinced. You needed to tell him what you felt, but how?
“But you have those eyes. Those beautiful eyes, that I could stare into forever.” Saying these words while looking at him almost made you drown in those deep, icy blue pools.
“Honestly Joel, even if Niko was not as a brother to me, I would still not be in love with him. If I didn’t know him like I do, I would think he is just a player, staging those kisses with Joonas all the time, acting like he owns the entire band.”
“But you do know him”
“I do, and I know Niko is a great guy, but he’s not you. Sure he’s sweet and funny, but there is no darkness in him. So he doesn’t understand the darkness in me. But you do. I know you do. So you are the one that I fell in love with. If only you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so sensitive, with you I feel as if you sense everything about me. As if you know what my soul looks like. I don’t know how to explain it. It scares me to death, but at the same time it makes me feel the safest I could ever feel. Please Joel, let me love you.”
“You feel that too?” he asked in a small voice. “That connection?”
“Yeah, I do. It feels supernatural. Like something unreal, but also more real than anything.”
Joel looked at you, and then without any warning, he put his hand in your neck and placed his lips onto yours. His lips were so soft, and he smelled so sweet with just a hint of cigarette smoke. It almost made you faint. The kiss was long and desperate, as if neither of you dared to let go, scared to find out it was just a dream after all. But is was real. When he finally stepped back, you looked at each other and smiled. You felt the happiest you had ever felt. He grabbed your hands and asked “Would it be okay if I never let you go?”