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They switched roommates in early June. To say Jake wasn’t pleased when he had gotten Jay was nothing short of an understatement.
“I want a rematch,” He had snapped instantly, clamoring his way off the living room couch to shove an ignored fist into the next match between Ni-ki and Sunghoon.
It was decided by chance, but it still felt unfair. Seriously, of all the people.. Jake winced, played the round anyway. Like some sort of pathetic prank by the universe, he won with a rock against two scissors. Sunghoon and Ni-ki looked at eachother over Jake’s head and restarted the match instantly.
Heeseung had snickered and Sunoo tutted disapprovingly. Jungwon sighed.
For his part, Jay looked indignant. “Well, I don’t want to be roommates with you, either,” He huffed, no heart in the retort despite the attitude. “See if I care.”
Jake didn’t bother apologizing, digging his nails into his scalp and facing in every direction that wasn’t Jongseong’s.
_______
There were two problems Jake had with Park Jongseong.
The first one was simple: he was messy. Everyone knew this about him, because, well, Jay was messy- left his things in an unmoving lump at the ground near his bed most days, left stains and food scraps all over the stove surface after cooking dinner, would try on clothes and leave them strewn on the carpet beside his bed- if there was any bone in Jay’s body that encouraged him to pick up after himself, it was demonstrably defunct.
A week into living with him, Jake had decidedly had enough. “Jongseong,” He snapped the moment he’d burst into the makeup room, a stray sweaty gray t-shirt fisted in one palm, a heavy trench coat in his other. Jay stared at him through the vanity mirror before him, eyebrows raising in question. Beside him, Jungwon mindlessly dabbed away at his blemishes. “Something wrong?” Jay asked, setting down his facial mist and turning to face him.
Oh boy, was there. “Can I talk to you?” Jake seethed in response, jerking his head toward the door.
“I didn’t want to say anything,” Said Jake impatiently when Jay joined him in the hallway. He thrust forward the shirt and jacket, feeling rather unvanquished as Jay’s face scrunched up in confusion. “But you really have to start cleaning up your shit. I nearly broke my back this morning tripping over these.”
Jongseong’s eyes widened in shock, and a part of Jake was expecting a fight, or maybe a scoff and a snarky remark- he braced himself, squaring his shoulders. “Oh my god,” Jay gasped instead, like he was scandalized with his own incompetence. “Are you- are you okay?”
Which posed the second problem, and perhaps more troubling, and that was that Jongseong was just too nice.
The following weeks, he overcompensated for his messes. He stayed up late to wipe down the kitchen countertops, did the laundry voluntarily, pushed aside his blankets and vacuumed his sheets. The floors were virtually spotless, their shared wardrobe neat and orderly. None of this should have been a problem, except Jay, resident lazybones and loudmouth, didn’t complain about any of it. He went along with his tasks as though it were by his own volition, rolling his eyes exasperatedly when the others would balk and make comments.
“What, did Jake-hyung put a knife to you, or something?” Jake heard Sunoo ask Jay from one morning.
Jay only laughed, the sound of eggs frying swallowing the ends of the syllables. “No, of course not,” He replied quietly. Jake had to strain to hear the rest of his sentence, setting aside his laptop and leaning forward from his position on the couch. “I just want to be a decent roommate.”
So there it was. Guilt wasn’t exactly what Jake was feeling, but when he came home after an evening recording session and was met with Jongseong passed out on the couch, the purple handle of a mop balanced precariously on his neck, he was consumed with something that felt awfully similar to it.
"Jongseong," He shook him awake with difficulty. “You don’t have to be so-” He swallowed, backing away as Jay blinked blearily up at him. “You don’t have to be this clean.”
Jay looked at him like he was speaking another language. “What are you talking about?” He rasped, batting away the mop handle and looking disgruntled. He grabbed his forehead and sat up, squinting. “Ah, shit, my head hurts.”
Had nobody bothered to check up on him? Down the hallway, he heard Sunoo and Sunghoon’s voices, muffled behind doors. Ni-ki was out cold on the other side of the couch, airpods in his ears, and Heeseung and Jungwon were out on schedules. Jake sucked in a breath and outstretched a hand. “Probably the chemicals from the mopping solution,” He pointed out wryly. The entire room reeked of it. “Come on.”
Jay let him lead them to their room, only mumbling out a tired ‘you suck’ when Jake deposited him haphazardly on his bed. “See if I’ll ever be this thoughtful again,” He muttered into his pillow.
Jake stared at him, still standing hesitantly at his bedside. “You know,” He started, clearing his throat. “You don’t need to, um, go out of your way to be clean, at all. Just-" Jay's eyes flickered to his face like it had taken a great deal of effort to do so, and Jake shifted on his feet, unsure why he was feeling so jittery. "Don’t leave stuff on the ground, mainly.”
"You're picky," Jay grunted, and then promptly knocked out.
_______
Still, the conversation must have had some effect, because gone were the incessant stench of alcohol wipes after that night- the eerily pristine floors, the uncomfortably polite attitude Jay had addressed Jake with during his time as a live-in housekeeper. Jake found he didn’t mind their absences too much.
This, however, did not imply that Jay wasn't still a bit difficult to be around.
“Did you watch the video I sent you?”
Jake had retired to bed after a few futile games of FIFA with Ni-ki, and Jay had joined him shortly after, his hair damp with shower water. Jake sat up slightly in his covers, eyes flickering to the ground as Jay pulled his shirt up off his shoulders and turned toward their wardrobe. “The one from Quanta Magazine?”
“I haven’t gotten around to it,” Jake said with an apologetic laugh, pulling out his phone and searching through his notifications. Jay’s video recommendations were usually consistently interesting, and anyway, it was a good provided distraction. “Did you text it from iMessage, or-?”
“Kakaotalk,” Jay cut in, words muffled as he reached inside the closet. He pulled his head out to send a knowing smile over at Jake, eyes curving up at the edges the way it got when he couldn’t retain his excitement. “I actually think you’re going to like this one, Jake, remember when we were talking about radio bursts-”
Jake nodded absently along, scrolling through his messages.
Him and Jay’s relationship was slowly becoming a point of contention for him, the more he thought about it. On the one hand, they were close - were two loyal members of 3 in the 02-line, and typically got along quite well. And, okay- Jake wasn't going to go all out and say him and Jay were the bestest of friends- they'd only met a tender year ago on I-LAND, and on severely tense terms their relationship had been forced to grow from. But Jay was clever and had a strange sense of humor, and for the most part, Jake liked being around him. He also always made it a point to defend himself whenever he got told off for rambling, and Jake respected that about him. Respected a lot of Jay’s qualities, actually, even the slightly embarrassing ones.
On the other hand, Jake found himself continuously being irked by random habits of Jay’s- which, unfortunately, was proving itself to be quite often as of late.
Like now, Jake thought, and couldn’t help but stare as Jay’s bare back curled into the drawers beneath the wardrobe, searching aimlessly for his pajama set while his mouth ran. He had a pretty body line, and Jake observed this through sheer objective lenses only. It made his mouth dry- out of jealousy, he figured, because Jake held admiration for every body type, so by default, Jay's was included. And anyway, it wasn’t exactly news that Jay was attractive- it was just rooming with him rubbed the fact in all the more.
“Did you find it?” Jay asked, buttoning up his shirt from the top down. He laughed embarrassedly behind his hand before Jake could fumble through a reply. “Or, honestly, don’t even bother- I pretty much just gave everything away right now, didn’t I?”
Jay’s sleeve caught on his lip when he dragged it away, and something in Jake’s chest itched like it was trying to escape him. “Don’t worry about it,” He forced a laugh, tossing his phone aside. “I prefer to have it explained, anyway.”
Jay brightened. "Well, if that's the case-" And Jake's skin crawled incongruously at the sight of his collarbone, and so it went.
_______
A month or so into living with him, Jake found himself on Jay’s mattress after they’d finished getting dressed for a quick schedule in Ansan, their knees bumping together as Jay lent over his shoulder to stare intently at the video Jake was showing him on his phone.
The clip was of a magician trick gone wrong, something one of Jake’s friends in Brisbane has DM’ed to his burner account on Instagram. Jay gazed suspiciously at his username (@ juakey1943) and Jake had flushed red. “You said you were bored, so just watch the video,” He grumbled, ignoring Jay’s suppressed snicker as he pressed play.
Heeseung shouted something from the kitchen, but Jake tuned him out, wincing as the person on the screen’s abruptly hand caught on fire. Jay bristled from beside him, knocking his knees together in discomfort. “What the-”
His hand jerked out when the person brought his palm close toward the camera, skin bubbling with white and orange blisters, knocking Jake’s phone to the ground and making retching noises. Jake couldn’t help but join him, severely disturbed. Jesus Christ.
“Is your friend a psychopath?” Jay grimaced when he recovered. Jake’s phone remained untouched at the floor, but neither of them made a move to pick it up. “Does he just- enjoy watching this kind of stuff?”
“That’s a good question,” Jake huffed out a shaky laugh. He brought his palm to his face, sighing in relief at the sight of smooth skin. “Remind me never to do any magic tricks, ever. I think I’m traumatized.”
Jay shuddered from beside him. “Same,” He made a face, before bringing out his own palm and extending it out towards Jake. His smile was resolute. “Here, let’s shake on it with our clean palms.”
Jake felt his stomach twist, this time for a different reason. “Okay,” He mumbled despite himself, reaching out and clasping Jay’s hand in his own. “There, now both of us are forbidden from using magic.”
Jay’s lips twitched, eyes crinkling. “Good deal.” He said, soft.
Jongseong’s hand was small in his Jake’s own, fingers warm as they squeezed his. Jake felt his breath stutter in his throat. He let himself hold on.
At that exact moment Jay opened his mouth to say something, Heeseung came barraging in through the door like a storm, expression furious. There was no time to pull away in Jake’s shock, and Jay’s yelp was strangled as the older male stomped forward to jab an angry finger in both their chests.
“You two are dead,” Heeseung was seething. “I’ve been calling you guys for the past-” Heeseung’s voice trailed off, eyes zeroing in at their hands, still clasped atop Jay’s knee. “What the hell are you guys doing?”
“Nothing,” Jake barked at the same time Jay teared his hand away from his grasp and shouted something unintelligible about magic and fire. Jake’s fingers felt cold without the grasp of Jay's warmth, and the realization hurt his head in more ways than one.
_______
Like some way of getting back at them for wasting time, news of Jay and Jake holding hands spread from Heeseung’s mouth throughout their van quite fast. Thankfully, Jay was out cold the second they’d entered the vehicle, so Jake didn’t have to fight through an explanation with Jay blabbering something in a panic beside him.
Sunghoon looked smug at the knowledge. “I think it’s good that they’re bonding,” He shrugged from the seat behind him, dodging Jake’s blind fist.
“I agree,” Ni-ki added from beside him, smiling apologetically when Jake dropped his jaw. Ni-ki? Really? His baby? “What? I think Jay-hyung’s rubbing off on you. You're more laidback.”
Jake blanched. “Jay is not rubbing off on me,” He hissed, feeling his face grow hot with color. Jay stirred in his spot to his left, head nestled between the window pane. His bangs flitted against his forehead as the car made a sharp turn down an exit, tickling his nose.
Jake tore his eyes away. “Also, can you lower your voice?”
Ni-ki tossed his hands up. Sorry, he mouthed, exaggeratedly. Heeseung snickered under his breath like he knew something Jake didn’t, and it irritated Jake so much that he shoved his airpods in and turned on his side, blasting music that hurt his brain and managing to fall asleep to the beat of his head pounding. What did they know, anyway?
When he’d woken up from the shittiest nap he’d genuinely ever had, the others were still giggling in low tones. “Jake-hyung was so embarrassed, it was cute,” Ni-ki was relaying, the little snitch. “Were you guys really holding hands?” Jungwon asked, interested. Jongseong must have been awake now, Jake concluded, heart starting to quicken in it's pace.
“You guys have gotten close, huh?" Sunghoon was chiming in, useless friend that he was. Jake felt his shoulders stiffen when the others laughed again, waited for Jay to break into squawks and denial. His heart slammed in his chest, but he refused to turn, almost afraid of what he would see.
But Jay’s voice was completely calm, save for a little spare sleepiness. “Ah, guys, guys,” He yawned languidly, a gentle warning curling at the end of his words. Jake could practically see his face, raised eyebrows atop a firm smile, a signal to the others to stop. "Don't tease him too much."
And that response pushed Jake up the wall so far that he could hardly breathe that night when Jay whispered a “good night”.
_______
Unsurprisingly, things went sour fast.
Frustration with himself for not understanding Jay's implications, and frustrated with the others' for poking fun at whatever it was they found so funny about him and Jay's friendship, quickly grew back into that old but familiar frustration with Jay. Suddenly, Jake was back to being aware of everything Jongseong was doing at all times, hyper-focused on every sigh, every giggle, every brush of the hair behind a flushed ear.
And as it went with Jake when he felt blindsided to things, the situation spiraled. Specifically, his breaking point was one particular morning when he found himself irrationally furious over Jay sleeping 10 minutes past his alarm.
Sharp harpsichord notes forced Jake up and out of his covers, storming over to Jongseong’s bedside immediately with only one thought in his mind. “I’m going to kill him,” he seethed aloud, head rushing with sleep-muddled fury. “Jongseong,” He snarled, gripping Jay’s shoulders and turning him on his back with more aggression than what was warranted.
He wasn’t sure why he was so upset. It wasn’t as though Jay ever did this with the intent to get on Jake’s nerves, wasn’t as though Jay’s stupid alarm was even harming Jake’s sleep schedule all too terribly, but it had been almost a week and half since he’d overheard the conversation and thus it had been a week and a half of furious overthinking. Frankly, Jake had about reached his limit when it came to his patience with anything Jongseong-related.
He shook Jay again. “Jongseong, I swear to god.”
Jay’s head, slow and heavy and unconscious, fell back against his ridiculously large pillow like a boy slipping through a cloud. His lips were parted slightly, tufts of ink-black hair swept over his forehead and over his eyes. “Jongseong,” Jake snapped again, a little less angrily, and then he saw it.
Hanging from Jay’s lip, dripping onto the royal blue covers of his silk duvet, was a string of saliva.
The rest of Jake’s words skidded to a stop on his tongue. Drool.
Jake stared for a long moment, feeling his hold around Jay’s shoulder tighten. “Gross,” He croaked aloud, mouth dry.
Jay’s pajama shirt, haphazardly buttoned in his haste to fall asleep as fast as possible, was caught between the folds of his bedsheets, and Jake’s skin went ice-cold when he saw the collar of the nice thin fabric completely darkened with his own saliva.
And it was stupid.
It was stupid, truly, and completely unlike him, but for some reason, Jake found himself reaching out like a man possessed, his brain barreling ahead through standard procedure of thinking before acting and firmly pressing a thumb into the corner of Jongseong’s open mouth.
The string cut off promptly. Jay mouth closed a beat later, narrowly missing Jake’s finger. Jake felt his stomach twist into itself, absurd.
“That’s.. That’s gross,” He was breathless. What was he doing? What was he doing?
A gentle knock at the door jolted Jake away from Jay’s bed like he’d been struck by a rod. “Jay-hyung?” Sunoo’s sleepy voice called. Jake rubbed his fingers furiously against his shirt, panic pricking his skin- which was stupid, he remembered, because really, he hadn’t done anything wrong. “You ready to go?”
There was nothing from Jay’s side of the room, because of course. Fuck. The doorknob twisted, and Jake found himself calling back before it could open all the way, voice unnaturally high. “He’s still asleep, Sunoo-yah,” He stuttered. “I’ll- um, I’ll wake him up.”
“Hm?” The doorknob stopped in it’s movement and spun back into place. “Oh, thanks, Jake-hyung.” Sunoo responded. “Have him out in 15 then, manager-hyung’s waiting for us outside.”
Footsteps padded down the hallway. Jake turned his gaze back on Jay’s sleeping form. His chin was pointed up and his teeth bit into the corner of his lip, and he looked gentle and sharp in equal parts. Suddenly, Jake remembered a conversation he had with Ni-ki a few days ago.
"Jay hyung’s cute when he sleeps," Ni-ki had said over late night ramen. "You think everyone's cute," Jake said automatically in response. Soup scalded the roof of his mouth as he swallowed another mouthful of noodles, hoping it signified that he was done with speaking more on the subject.
It did nothing. "But Jay hyung is especially cute." Ni-ki insisted.
Was this what he meant? Jake grit his teeth and found himself considering the thought, staring severely into the remainder of the saliva that was starting to dry on the corner of Jay’s mouth.
No, he reminded himself like a mantra, liquid fire curling in his stomach. It was gross. Jay was gross.
_______
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit mean?” Park Sunghoon took a long sip from his water-bottle, tossing it haphazardly atop his hoodie before turning towards Jake with an uncertain furrow in his brow. They were shooting hoops after a shared vocal practice, and Jake had been griping about his sour experience this morning to his fellow 02-liner. Carefully, he left out the part where he touched Jay’s lip. He didn’t think it was necessary.
“Mean?” Jake repeated, incredulous. Him, mean? He nearly scoffed.
“I don’t know, Jake. It’s.. just drool.” Sunghoon looked at Jake sideways. “Kinda feels a bit mean to get mad at Jay for something he's not doing intentionally.”
Jake did scoff, then, answer streaming out of his mouth like it was built into him by now, even though, deep down, he had a feeling that Sunghoon was right. Still, he had come to Sunghoon to deflect, not to get lectured. “Drooling is gross, Sunghoon. What is he, a middle schooler? He's a total slob.”
Sunghoon didn’t respond, worrying a bottom lip between his teeth.
Jake exhaled, backtracked. “Okay, yeah,” He admitted, sounding considerably less confident. “Maybe I’m being a little mean.”
Sunghoon cracked a smile. “I’m not sure what’s going on between you and Jongseong,” He said slowly. “But you really aren’t acting like yourself. ”
Helpful.
_______
There was one problem with Shim Jaeyun, and that was that he liked to live a certain way.
Growing up attending private schools and with parents as distinguished as his, he’d been raised on strict standards of cleanliness, and he adhered to them willingly. He was proud of his well-kept wardrobe, his clean sheets, his rolled towels- liked to be known as the clean one, because he was. It was apart of who he was, and he liked that it defined him, like some sort of unassailable trait.
Everyone was aware of this fact about him, which explained a great deal- hopefully, anyway- as to why he was so aversive to the idea of living in such close quarters with Park Jongseong.
Jay’s upbringing was wildly different from Jake’s. He’d grown up pampered in heaps of exuberant wealth- had seemingly picked and choosed which aspects of responsibility to hone in on, was accustomed to strange aspects of luxury that the others could only dream of. More than that, though- he was rough and patient and haphazard and elegant, had so much life experience in so little time, was overwhelming as a person, to take in and to be around.
Was both a gift- but mainly a hindrance, some shriveled part of Jake insisted- and so it was easy. Easy for Jake to blur the lines. Label him as messy and use it as the scapegoat, pretend to see him as such along with the others.
Why are you never in your room anymore? Why are you sleeping in Heeseung-hyung’s bed, Jake-hyung?
He just wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it up.
_______
Two days after Jake had successfully avoided Jay, Jay sought him out, because he was more realistic and mature than Jake feared he ever would be.
Jay's hand closed around Jake’s elbow and he tugged him into their bedroom moments immediately after dinner, eyes narrowing into concerned slits when Jake dragged his feet. His newly straightened bangs and his neatly ironed white polo made him look pure and proper, like some of the boys back in Jake’s private school. Jake felt his stomach lurch horribly at the similarities. Clean.
“What?” Jake replied the minute the door shut behind them, steeling his face into one of innocence.
“What?” Jongseong repeated, hands curling into fists tightly at his sides. Vaguely, Jake realized this was the first time Jay had ever looked even somewhat upset with him, and morbid fascination and fear cracked and spilled through his stomach.
Jay, however, seemingly collecting himself, released Jake’s elbow with a sigh. His head knocked against the door and he squeezed his eyes shut. “You’re ignoring me, so I must have done something wrong.” He said slowly, voice tight and rehearsed because of course Park Jongseong would practice apologizing for something he wasn’t even at fault for. Of course.
“So I wanted to apologize for doing-”
“You were drooling.” Jake cut in.
Jay sent him a withering look. “Can we please just have a normal conversation?”
“You want to know the reason, and that’s just it.” Jake retorted. “You were drooling.”
Jay bit his lip like he was moments away from releasing expletives. “Can you-” He sighed heavily, pushing his hands into his face for a long second. “Would you mind elaborating?”
Jake stared back at him. “You were drooling while you slept,” He said, as blunt as he could without revealing the permeating mortification in his guts. “And I, um, may have touched it.” He did half-hearted jazz-hands with his palms. "Happy? Are we done here?"
“No?" Jay stammered, face red with shock. “You touched my drool?”
Jake dug his foot into hardwood floor. He nodded, swallowing hard.
He should have apologized, probably, but it was difficult to remember any code of ethics anytime he was around Park Jongseong. It was difficult to be anything but shameless around someone who never seemed to expect anything less from you. “Yeah, I did.”
But now Jay didn’t look much like he was waiting for an apology. His eyes skittered around the room like he was trying to find a way out, like maybe the conversation had become too much for him and cornering Jake into admission wasn’t such a good idea after all. The thought made Jake bark out a laugh- Park Jongseong, scared, and of him.
“It’s not funny,” Jay glared. He backed away but nothing but wall met him, the consequences of his own doings. He seemed to shrink under Jake’s eyes, but he set his jaw and pushed through a warning anyway. “And anyway, that’s not a good enough reason to ignore me.”
“What, you’re saying it’s fine for me to touch your mouth unprecedented?”
Jay gasped a scandalized, “No,” and turned a pretty shade of pink.
Jake raised an eyebrow, tried not to think about how if Jay drooled tonight in that white polo, it would pool transparent. Probably warm. It should have been disgust flooding through Jake's body, but instead it was a burning sensation in his chest that made his head spin. Stop it.
”Well, you shouldn’t- be doing that. While I’m sleeping.” It was clear Jay was struggling to find the right words for once, and this should not have satiated the bizarre hunger growing painfully in Jake chest, but it did. “But I don’t know if it’s fair to avoid me completely because of it. We’re bandmates, Jake. Communication is necessary.”
Communication. Forgive Jake if he did not prefer for his inability to stop feeling strange about his roommate’s wet mouth to be communicated to said roommate. He scoffed, “I don’t know if it’s fair either, Jongseong.” He snarked. “I just think it’s the best option.”
“There are other options!” Jay argued fiercely. “I could wear a mask. I could-”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You’re the one being ridiculous.” Something in Jay’s face swarmed like he was trying to reel his emotions in, but they seemed to dart ahead anyway, his voice bitter. “You’re just doing this because you hate being roommates with me.”
Jake felt that itching feeling again, bursting at his ribcage. He was beginning to realize that things would be so much easier if that was truly the case. “No,” He said thinly. “I’m really not.”
“Don’t lie.” Jay’s words trembled through thick air. “I don’t get it,” He continued, desperately now, short fingers clawing anxiously at the hem of his polo. “I’ve been trying to stay out of your way and be as clean as possible because I know how much you like your space- and sure, I know it’s not much, but I still try, you know? But you still treat me like-”
But Jake could barely hear him, eyes zeroing in on the way the shirt began crumpling into itself with Jay’s grip, wrinkling into irredeemable creases. The brown skin at Jay’s waist flashed for a horrible second and then he couldn’t bear it anymore. “Stop doing that.” He snarled partway through Jay’s rant.
Jay stopped talking and stared at him furiously, the fabric in his fingers winding up further in his palms. “Stop doing what?" He asked, sharp. “Trying to figure out why you’re being such an asshole?”
Jake lunged forward, ripping Jay’s hand away from his shirt. Jay squeaked like he’d been burned, sentence falling from his lips. “Stop fucking up your shirt,” Jake bit, and bunched up the ruined ends of the polo in one hand, thrusting it up into Jay’s face to show him the damage he had done.
Jay stared back at him, eyebrows colliding. From the proximity, Jake could hear and feel every breath he took, warm on the intake. He pressed in closer, actions preceding thought, his brain kicking into overdrive.
“Jesus, even when you don’t try, you’re so-” He didn’t bother completing his sentence, distracted with the way Jay’s skin was smearing red, the way his shoulders hunched inward in embarrassment, his eyes refusing to meet Jake’s. His hair was shiny, smelled like something clean.
Everything about Jongseong was inscrutable- was there any use avoiding it? “You’re just-” Jake thought about it, blood rushing to his head. He stared at the older boy, pressed against wall like a cornered stray. “You’re just messy.” After all this time, it seemed to be the only way to describe him.
Jay’s eyes flashed, and gone was the meekness. “I’m literally not,” He shot back, fierce.
His hands were damp when they pried Jake’s fingers off his shirt, warm when they pressed against Jake’s chest to shove him off of him. Jake staggered back a few steps, the back of his legs hitting his mattress.
Jay stormed toward him, venom in his face. “You always say I’m messy like I dwell in filth or something,” He was genuinely angry, now. “Maybe Sunghoon was right- I’m beginning to think you’re just using that as an excuse.”
He’d talked to Sunghoon about this? Jake nearly balked in shock, but there was no time to feel betrayal. “You are messy,” He sneered back, ignoring the last bit of Jay’s sentence and sitting down at his bed with an offhandedness that he knew made him seem awful. He jerked a thumb at Jay’s wrinkled shirt. “You ruined that shirt in seconds. You never picked up your shit until I had to tell you to. You drool in your sleep. You're-" He swallowed, pushed through the thought with effort. "You're gross.”
Jay’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “You’re one to talk,” He gasped, and he was really hard to look away from when he was pissed, Jake thought in the midst of Jay’s retort- his face got so pink. “You’re the one who was literally touching my drool!”
Jake felt his cheeks flood with color. In hindsight, it was a bad example to provide given the circumstances. And probably a bad idea to tell Jay he touched his mouth while he was sleeping.
Jay saw he’d struck a nerve.“You’re as gross as you say I am,” He huffed, eyes lighting with smugness.
Still, Jake felt his blood boil. “No, I’m not.” He bit ferociously, because no, he absolutely wasn’t.
“Yeah, I think you are.” Jay’s lips curled into a smirk as his arms came up to cross at his chest. “You’re always going on about how messy I am but really, I think you’re the gross one, Jake.”
Jake’s fingers itched. “Shut up, Jongseong,” He warned.
Jay’s response was instant. “Actually, I don’t think I will, Jake.” He snapped back, uncharacteristically petulant, and Jake supposed that might have been the tipping point for what he did next: by which he meant lunging upward, grabbing Jay by the runched up wrinkles of his shirt, and dragging him into an almost violent kiss.
It was short, mainly because it hurt so much. Jay jerked away first, rubbing his mouth the way he would a wound. “Ow,” He winced, eyes huge and his lips pink. He glared at Jake. “Have you actually lost your mind?”
Jake’s own mind was running a mile a minute- I just kissed Jongseong. I just kissed Jongseong- but like hell was he going to let the boy himself, of all people, see him falter. “I told you to shut up, you should have listened.” He snapped, mouth stinging.
There was a knock on the door, then- “Hyungs?”
“Shit,” Jake hissed, backing hastily up on his bed the same time Jay sprinted to the other side of the room, collapsing unceremoniously on his own mattress. The doorknob turned the minute he’d fallen, and Jungwon’s head poked in, expression concerned.
He spoke cautiously, “We heard yelling.” Jake could make out Ni-ki’s blonde head from behind him, peeking over his shoulder with curious eyes.
Genuine panic shot through Jake’s chest as Jay opened his mouth to respond. I'm fucked, Jake thought desperately the exact moment Jay said, awfully calmly, “We’re all good.”
Jake whipped his head up, shocked, but Jay only ignored his stare, turning on his back to send a reassuring smile up at Jungwon.
Jungwon still looked suspicious, leaning against the door frame with his eyes scanning their faces. “If you two are fighting-”
“We aren’t,” Jake cut in quickly- compared to Jay, his voice pitched horribly high. “Don’t worry, guys. We were just talking about, uh-” He faltered. “We’re talking about-”
“Politics,” Offered Jay.
Jake stared at Jay hard, still bewildered as to why he wasn’t taking the chance now to put Jake on blast. “Right,” He agreed slowly when Jay only raised his eyebrows pointedly. “Heated stuff, you know. Politics.”
There was a bit of a pause, and Jay coughed into his elbow. “You guys are being weird,” Ni-ki announced unhelpfully. He turned to Jungwon. “They’re being weird.”
Jungwon must have been tired, because all he did was shrug. “As long as there’s no conflict,” He muttered under his breath, like he was reminding himself of the rules to leading a group of boys who didn’t know what to do with themselves, and promptly shut the door.
Jake waited a few seconds to hear their footsteps fade down the hallway, and then turned to Jay abruptly. “Why did you do that?” He asked in a low whisper, sounding more grateful than he would have liked to. "I thought you were pissed."
"I am," Jay glared, sitting up on his blankets and leaning his back against the wall. “But I wasn’t about to tell them- well, you know.” His throat bobbed uncertainly, didn’t mean Jake’s eyes. “I’m not a complete asshole.” Not like you, went unsaid.
“Oh.” Jake swallowed, chest tightening. “Well, uh, thanks.”
Jay waved a hand and Jake knew he was forgiven simply watching the way Jay deflated into himself a little. “It’s fine.” He brought his head up and looked him in the face, smile wry. “Just don’t ignore me for a stupid reason like that again.”
_______
A stupid reason, Jay had called it. Leave it to Jake to kiss his member on the mouth the night before an all-day rehearsal and then be asked to, essentially, stop being a little bitch around them.
Now, despite Jake’s strong desire to steer clear of any vicinity Jay was in, he felt obliged to not only do the complete opposite, but also to be overtly receptive to everything Jay did. Jay would make a comment or joke, and Jake would reply or laugh instantly to it, ignoring the pointed glances he got from the others. Jay would lie down during break times, and Jake would plop to his side shortly after and chatter. It killed him inside to be so obsequious, but Jake knew the efforts were necessary. He couldn’t have Park Jongseong thinking he was phased by any of what he’d done, after all. The implications were far too risky.
(So Jake carried on- if it wasn’t obvious, his pride was a persistent thing.)
Anyway, Jay didn’t seem to think much of Jake’s newfound affection. “Are you okay?” Was all he seemed to wonder about the matter, and that was when Jake nearly shoved Jungwon out of the way to stand by Jay during an impromptu group snack-session.
Jungwon had snorted forlornly, a ‘yeah, are you?’ huffed under his breath, and Jake bit down his embarrassment, making eye contact with Jay through the practice room mirror. Jongseong's mouth was rubbed dark red, concern tearing at his eyes as he stared back at Jake with rapt attention.
Something in Jake’s stomach swirled and swooped so aggressively that he had to sit down. “I’m fine.” He gulped, wiping at his own lips, wondering helplessly if Jay’s were still stinging like his were.
_______
The timeline of events thereafter were- were certainly something. If Jake were to recount them, it would go something like this:
At 12:53 in the morning, Jongseong and Jaeyun entered their shared bedroom after washing up. Conversation was hushed between them- Jay’s words were slurred with sleep, and Jake’s mind burned from standing under fluorescent lights for hours on end. “So tired,” Jake made a point to mutter, brushing back his hair and flopping forward onto his blankets. Jay hummed in response, reaching over for the switch. The room went dark.
At 12:55, Jay turned his lamp on, and glowing yellow hues spilled across his skin like rainwater when he sat up. “What gives?” Jake groaned, squinting over at him. Jay’s frown was hesitant, his cheeks rosy. He swung his legs over the side of his bed. “Will you come here?” He asked.
At 12:55 in the morning, Jake stared back at him, dumbfounded. At 12:56 in the morning, something in his chest shoved him up and out of his bed, and he obliged.
At 12:56 in the morning, Jay’s eyes fluttered when Jake blearily asked him what he thought he was doing, lips parting when Jake jokingly leaned into his face to smell for alcohol, curling when Jake found none. “You’re so weird, Jongseong.”
At 12:57 in the morning, Jay wrapped warm fingers around Jake’s wrist when he lent away. “Jake,” He said, practically a whisper. His breath hit Jake’s neck, warm and heavy. It smelled of toothpaste, mint mouthwash. “What?” Jake breathed back, head spinning.
At 12:58 in the morning, Jake stared down at Jay for a beat too long, a look too telling to be an accident. At 12:58 in the morning, Jay tugged Jake down by his hands, touch warm and feather-light. At 12:58 in the morning, Jake let a knee sink into Jay’s blanket covers, right between Jay’s parted legs. “What do you want, Jongseong?” Jake asked, words hoarse.
At 12:59 in the morning, Jongseong’s eyebrows pinched into his nose in a way that shouldn’t have made Jake’s heart feel like it was being stabbed, but it did anyway. “I can’t-” His voice got breathless as Jake placed his hands on either side of his hips, leaning in closer. Jake found that he liked the power. “I can’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday.”
At 12:59, the admission made Jake gulp, he knew the feeling. “Me either,” He mumbled when Jay stared up at him with a face that flushed cherry red. Jay blinked erratically when Jake’s words settled in. An unsaid confirmation.
At 1:00 in the morning, they moved forward at the same time. Jay pressed a feverishly hot mouth against Jake’s lips.
It hurt less than their kiss yesterday, Jake observed through a melting brain. Jay’s mouth was soft and chapped and the split on his bottom lip felt strange against Jake’s own, tasted like pineapple syrup from their desert when Jake licked it open.
At 1:05, Jay wrapped trembling arms around Jake’s shoulders and Jake ran a hand up his sleep shirt, bare waist searing hot to the touch, gasping when Jake pinched. And at 1:06, as Jake swallowed back a groan and bit at Jay’s collarbone, he wondered why he had never bothered shutting Jay up before.
_______
It wasn’t an exclusive development, not really. But something definitely shifted between them after that night, and then Jake found himself sinking deeper into the hole he had managed to dig himself into. It was almost unfair: before, Jongseong was just on his mind. But now, Jongseong was on his neck, his lips, his chest, his fingers- on every waking breath Jake seemed to take, essentially, entirely inescapable.
“Move,” He grunted, pushing Jay back by his hips so he could steady him on his lap. And yeah, this was also something new that they were doing, late at night with the door locked shut, breaths mingling raggedly beneath thin sheets. Heat rushed straight to his head when Jay squirmed at the touch, pulling away like he’d been shocked.
“You’re sensitive,” Muttered Jake. He wiped his mouth and stared at Jay, warmth coiling in his stomach at the sight of blood red lips highlighted by dim orange lights, hooded eyelids sunken in with want. (Want, Jake wanted to scream, Jay wanted him.)
“Not sensitive,” Jay corrected with flaming cheeks. They usually talked quite a lot during these ‘sessions’, or whatever it was that they were doing. Jay, especially, which didn’t come at all as a surprise to Jake. Blabbed like they were conversing in broad daylight, so much so that most of the time when he got too loud, Jake would either push an exasperated hand to his mouth or kiss him hard into silence. Only one of those options was consistently effective.
Now, though, Jay was speaking like someone had dared him not to. He bared his teeth, unobtrusively shy. “Just, uh, ticklish.”
Jake shrugged, leaned back in. “Good to know,” He hummed, squeezing Jay’s waist and relishing in his whine. If anything, he figured, this thing they had going for them wasn’t a half-bad bonding activity.
_______
It was purely by coincidence that Jake started waking up at the same time as Jongseong. Don’t get Jake wrong- he wasn’t doing it for Jongseong. It was just Jay’s alarm was only an hour earlier than Jake’s, so he figured it made more sense to wake up alongside him. For strictly productive reasons, of course. Again, he stressed, he wasn’t doing it solely for Jongseong.
But Jake wouldn’t deny that Jongseong was clumsy in the morning- tended to trip over air and forget folders and textbooks in his sleep-addled head, so he didn’t think he was doing any harm by taking some of the time from his productive hour to help screw Jay’s head back on right.
Take this morning, for example, where Jake was currently bolting down a flight of stairs, Jay’s cellphone locked in a tight grip around his fingers. The backs of his favorite Air Force 1’s were folded beneath his heels in his haste to get outside, but Jake didn’t have the time to mourn his losses. “Jay!” He shouted as he pushed open the front door, squinting as a gust of sharp winter wind slammed into his face. The van was pulled out front, and Jay, about to climb in after Sunoo, turned abruptly to face him.
The older boy squinted, concerned. “Jaeyun?” Jay hurried up to him. “What are- why aren’t you wearing a jacket?”
“Didn’t have the time,” Jake waved him off despite feeling his bare arms shudder with discomfort. He thrust forward Jongseong’s phone, heart still racing from the exertion of his impromptu morning windsprint. “You left this.”
Jay stared curiously at Jake through slotted strands of hair. “Thanks, Jake." His bangs were getting so long, Jake noticed, completely unrelated. They curled around his ear when Jay brushed them roughly off his forehead, like sunflowers bending toward sunlight.
“You’re nice to me lately,” Jongseong blurted out of nowhere, pocketing his phone and shifting on his feet. His eyes fluttered to Jake’s face, searching, then shucked themselves back to the ground. “Um- anyway, thanks again."
Jake watched him shuffle off toward the car, feeling stumped. Was it so unorthodox for him to be kind to Jongseong? He wondered, guilt poking at his ribcage and answering the question for him.
_______
“You know I don’t actually-” He whispered that night into Jay’s burning neck, hand wrapped tight around Jay’s dick as he jerked him off, stopping abruptly in his movements to speak. He came out sounding uncertain, consumed by the thought. “You know I don’t actually hate you, right?”
“Debatable,” Jay choked out through a whimper, eyes watery as they locked with Jake's. Get me the fuck off, they pleaded, and Jake complied because how could he not.
(After Jay had came into Jake’s hand with with a muffled sigh, he’d lifted his head off his pillow to shoot an exasperated frown at him. “Of course I know you don’t hate me, Jaeyun-ah.”
His smile went flirtatious, eyelashes fluttering in the exaggerated way it did when he was purposely being gross. Jake hated the way it made his stomach explode into butterflies- god, Jongseong was relentless. “Nobody who hated me would make me feel this good.”)
_______
Still, it didn’t feel enough.
The thing was, Jake’s frustration with Jongseong had shrunken with time- contracted from a huge consuming anvil of ambiguity into something more narrow now, more inevitable. A floating feeling, the feeling he got when Jake glanced at Jongseong while he laughed- surges within him, splashes of warm wind against cool flesh, spheres of burning wonder. Can I? Could I? Can we? It replaced Jake’s frustration in terms of it’s persistence. About a million times more complicated, too.
The room also stayed clean. Jake learned to realize he really didn’t mind when it didn’t, not that much. His skin didn’t itch when he saw Jay’s sweaty shirts strewn across the ground, not anymore, not when he could pick it up himself without feeling upset over it- and especially not when he was probably the reason behind it to begin with.
So that should have been a problem- Jake’s sense of self waning around Park Jongseong, being malleable when it should have been solid, assured. Slipping further into the presence of someone whose relationship you shared was apoditically vague was nothing short of being risky, and Jake was never one to let himself think more than twice about every decision he made.
But he couldn’t really stop himself. Not when Jongseong’s eyes lit up like that whenever he got invested in any topic Jake could ever think to talk about, not when Jongseong looked like that whenever Jake kissed him in the bathrooms after practice- and definitely not when Jongseong smiled at him soft and told him in this stupidly fond voice some nights before bed that he thought he was “grateful for you, Jaeyunnie.”
Jongseong was nowhere near a drug, but he had a certain pull to him that made Jake draw nearer, test the boundaries. And it was more than a bit thrilling for Jake to see he had something of the same effect on him.
“I know you wake up for me,” Jay mentioned nonchalantly one morning when Jake was making his bed. He crossed the room to step into Jake’s personal space, eyes alight with smug mirth. “You never used to do it before, you know. Only after we became roommates. Sunoo pointed it out to me.”
Jake only rolled his eyes. Jay always provoked him for a reason, and Jake would be a fool to deny him. “Shut up, Jongseong," he said, curling a hand around Jay’s warm neck to drag him forward.
The taste of cinnamon apple oatmeal seeped into his tongue, his fingers hesitant as they gripped Jake's hips, Jay kissed back the way he always did in the morning, soft, eager, warm. Jake pulled away and watched as Jay’s eyelashes fluttered open. "That was rude," He griped, but his legs still wobbled, his smile was still bitten back, and his cheeks were still full with color. Sunlight streamed in through the blinds and painted his skin orange, and Jake felt himself sink.
“You’re cute,” He found himself blurting like an idiot, shoving hands into his pockets and staring awkwardly into Jay’s forehead.
Jay steadied himself and reached down for his knapsack, adjusting the straps with fumbling fingers.
“Cute?” He repeated, eyes teasing. “Really?
Jake nodded once, already regretting it. Jay, however, looked delighted. “Not annoying?" He prodded, because Jay was nothing if not relentless. "Not messy?”
Jake dug nails into his palms, head rushing with adrenaline. It was too early to be this honest, too early to be rendered a fool by Jay’s kind eyes, his stupid voice. “You're still annoying and messy,” He disagreed with difficulty, voice cracking. "But, I mean- you can be three things."
Jongseong looked at him intently, so pretty in his fancy school blazer, glasses crooked on his nose, rays of sunlight striking his chin. At last, he leant up, pressing a kiss to Jake’s cheek. It was short, almost chaste, even, like the brush of torn flower petals against skin, but Jake still felt himself flushing hard.
He stuttered, voice pitching in volume as he grabbed his burning cheek. “What was that for?”
“I’m just relieved,” Jongseong grinned, looking incredibly pleased at an admission so juvenile, and yet so telling. “I happen to think you’re quite cute, too.”