Archive of Our Own

That was the big day, so as soon as the Martial Arts Club activities ended, Shouji was the first to run to the locker room and the last to leave. After checking himself in the mirror a few times - which was almost funny since his pale bangs and permanent blue gaiter covered most of his face - he was dispatched by Ojiro, one of his best friends and clubmate.

“Good luck!” He yelled.

Shouji just waved back as he ran to the main building. He was going to need that luck. After all, it wasn't every day he confessed his feelings.

When he arrived at the genkan, the hall dedicated to changing students' shoes, he was already sweaty again - much to his misfortune - and only had time to straighten his hair before he noticed Tokoyami approaching. As soon as their eyes met, the smaller boy gave one of his rare smiles that showed the white teeth with discreet braces and Shouji's heart was pierced by Cupid's arrow once more.

“Sorry for my delay. The discussion around Murakami was fiercer than anticipated. We couldn't contain ourselves.” Tokoyami explained when he stopped in front of his friend, close to his own locker.

Shouji shook his head, without bothering. How could he when the smaller one looked so adorable, struggling to contain his excited smile on his thin lips and return to his austere, noble and unflappable persona?

“Sounds like it was fun,” He replied, with a smile hidden by the gaiter, but that could be seen in his eyes.

“It was! You should read it too. It's inspiring,” Tokoyami assured, the excitement evident in his powerful voice.

“I'll do it after I finish your last recommendation,” Shouji promised, even though he knew he shouldn't.

“I hope so. You are taking a long time to finish it.”

“I'm halfway through, Yami... Well, almost…” Shouji rubbed the back of his neck with a nervous smile. He was actually enjoying reading, but it was difficult to finish a five hundred page book and fulfill the obligations of school, home and clubs. He had no idea how Tokoyami managed it, but that was one of the thousands of qualities he loved about the boy.

“Right, but remember that there's no shame in giving up a book that didn't captivate you. And you don't have to say ‘yes’ to every story I ask you to read,” Tokoyami added with a touch of concern.

“I like being able to follow the conversation when you start talking non-stop something” Shouji replied calmly.

Tokoyami squinted at him, then bent down to pick up his own shoes. Instead of them, however, he withdrew a black envelope, sealed with a simple round, silvery sticker. Fear invaded Shouji's heart as he immediately understood the situation. Yet, the crouching boy just turned the envelope in his hands and looked at his friend, clearly confused.

Without thinking about it, Shouji crouched beside him, helping to cover up the discovery of possible prying eyes - although the two crouched and hunched there might draw even more attention -, and Tokoyami opened the envelope and pulled out a folded letter.

It was a poem written on aged paper; the text was a small sonnet of difficult words but well-constructed rhymes that provided a beautiful melody; and the calligraphy was charming, in a Gothic style. Whoever wrote it seemed to have thought of every detail that could please Tokoyami, in addition to being inspired by every particularity that pleased them about the little student.

Shouji was surprised by his urgent desire to rip the paper from the other's pale hands and tear it into a million little pieces. And when he looked at Tokoyami, the pain in his chest increased. The smaller boy was red like Shouji had never seen before. By the time he spent staring at the letter, Shouji could tell he was rereading it over and over, looking incredulous and embarrassed at the same time.

“Yami?” Shouji asked after he himself had already read the poem three times.

Tokoyami blinked in surprise and looked at him as if he had come out of a trance. He hurriedly refolded the paper and put it in his backpack, among the sheets of his binder, Dark Shadow, where he kept, in poems, short stories and strange scribbles, his deepest thoughts. He and the binder were inseparable, and even Shouji could never eavesdrop a single word, despite how close they were at that stage - he just knew what the boy had told him.

“Shall we? We were going to eat something in the square, right?” The black haired boy quickly changed the subject before slamming his closet door and walking out of the building with a nervous step.

Shouji had to call him back to change his shoes, as Tokoyami had completely forgotten about them. That wasn't like him. Tokoyami always had a million things on his mind, but he was still attentive and diligent. However, that poem had disturbed him, and Shouji didn't know if he was more concerned about his friend's state of mind, or frustrated that he'd let someone else tell his crush all the things he'd wanted to say himself but had never found the words to say.

Geez! What if it had been Shouji who had confessed like that? Would Tokoyami also react that way? And after all, how exactly was the boy feeling about it?

“Shouji?” Tokoyami called him hesitantly on the way home, not far from the school. They lived on the same street, just a block away from each other. So from the first day of high school, they had walked together from home to school and from school to home.

He looked at him, snapping out of his reverie, and nodded, to show he was attentive. Tokoyami looked away at the ground again and took a while to proceed.

“You read the poem, didn't you?”

Shouji nodded and saw his friend's face, still pink, turn red like a pepper again. Only then did he realize that he shouldn't have invaded his friend's privacy like that.

“I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking,” He spoke, chest tight with growing panic.

Tokoyami shook his head, then took a breath and continued, in a small, unusual voice, “Do you have any idea who might have sent that?”

"No," He admitted glumly, and maybe it was for the best. He wouldn't be able to face the sender with the least bit of sympathy if he found out who it was. “And you?”

Once again, the smaller one denied it. After a moment of silence, he spoke again:

“Do you think… That he… Or she… Was being serious with what they said? I mean... That was... A love declaration... Wasn't it?... Or am I thinking about it too much? Maybe someone put it in the wrong locker by accident…? D-does that make any sense?” Tokoyami turned to face him with a touch of despair in his sharp eyes.

Shouji shook his head, definitely worried about the smaller boy now. He had never seen Tokoyami so confused and lost before. It was common for him to get anxious when he couldn't understand or solve a problem - no matter how small it was - but he had never looked like this.

“Are you okay?” Shouji asked cautiously.

They arrived at the square a block north of their homes and sat on the farthest bench, as usual, avoiding the groups of children playing and passersby walking or running. Tokoyami took another deep breath and lightly pulled his black hair combed up into a messy mohawk while pouting, fluffed and frustrated.

“Yeah, I am… Just… I think that was pretty weird. Why would someone…? It was very sudden… I can't help but think it might also be a prank. But I don't know who might want to do that either. I may not get along with everyone, but I don't remember having gone through any specific disagreements that could lead to this situation. Maybe it was really a mistake?”

“Or maybe someone really has a crush on you and is trying to get your attention.” Shouji spoke slowly as if explaining something obvious to a child, at the same time he felt like he wanted to vomit. Since when was he so jealous?

Tokoyami stared at him with a frown as if another two pairs of arms had grown on his friend.

“You think?”

“Of course I do. It's the only option that makes sense. You may have no reason to have enemies, but you have many to have admirers. You are handsome, smart, nice to everyone, always willing to help. And you got a lot of attention at the last Festival, when you played in Kaminari's place, when he got sick,” Shouji continued to stare at him steadily, willing his words to sink into that bird brain and replace all his negativity. His face burned beneath the gaiter, causing his sensitive skin to sting, and he had to control himself not to scratch and further irritate the area.

Tokoyami wasn't as “lucky” to have his face covered, so he just focused on the ground.

“I think you're exaggerating a little... But thanks,” he said, making the taller boy roll his eyes. “Let's just forget about it for now, shall we? Maybe it was just an isolated case, so we shouldn't worry too much about that.”

Shouji didn't think either of them could drop the subject so easily, but he just agreed. As stupid as it was, he hoped Tokoyami was right and that the matter would die there.

“Do you discover who the secret admirer is?” Ojiro asked as they left the dojo, the club having gotten out unusually early.

Shouji had no intention of telling anyone about the poems. But obviously his friend questioned him about the fateful day of confession, and Shouji had to explain why he had to back down. It had been a week now that Tokoyami had received a lovely letter every single day, and after the third time, he started looking forward to the end of classes to check his locker.

The masked boy sighed and sat hunched over when they found a bench.

“No… We thought we'd catch him yesterday. We kept an eye on the genkan, but when we approached the guy who was putting the letter in his locker, it turned out he was just a messenger. I've never thought so much about intimidating someone so much as I did then… I think this is affecting me more than Yami.”

“You think?” Ojiro teased, eyes compassionate. Shouji just shook his head desolately, and only felt worse with the boy's next question. “So, when are you going to confess to him?”

“How could I confess now? Anything I could try would seem pathetic.”

“I thought Tokoyami was the dramatic one.” The blonde raised an eyebrow, nonplussed when he received an annoyed look. “Listen, this admirer hasn't really confessed yet. And even if they did, Tokoyami still hasn't given them any answers, has he?”

“He just didn't have the chance,” Shouji muttered like a child, making Ojiro snort in amusement at him. Then the blonde cleared his throat and continued.

“Have you ever stopped to think that he might not like this admirer when he meets them? They can be someone completely different from how they sell themself by the letters, a real creep or something. You still have a chance, Shouji. If you don't take it, you may regret it forever.”

“I don't know, Ojiro. Tokoyami is already too anxious with a love declaration, I don't think he wants another one. And I would hate to spoil our friendship.” Shouji said hesitantly, frowning down at the ground until he took a punch to the arm. “Ouch! What are you doing?!”

“Sorry, but I really hate it when you sound like this.” The blonde stressed for a moment. “For heaven's sake! If you two are mature enough, and I know you are, you can still be best friends even if he rejects you. Unless you don't want to be friends with him if he doesn't want to date you.”

“Of course I'll want to be his friend. But what if he doesn't?” The masked boy defended himself, still holding his sore arm. It wasn't a big deal, but Ojiro hadn't held back with the punch.

“Do you think he's that kind of person?”

Shouji sighed, but reflected on his friend's words. Maybe things were going to get a little awkward between them, but Tokoyami was unlikely to want to pull away completely. And while it wasn't the most common thing in the world, it wasn't all that strange to remain friends with an ex. So why couldn't they remain friends in case of rejection?

“You're right!” He decided, getting up from the bench they were on, still near the dojo. “I have to be honest with him. That's how we've always been with each other. I have to be that way about these feelings too.”

Ojiro smiled, standing up with him, and patted his broad shoulder in a friendly way.

“That's how you say it, buddy. Now go there. It must be about time for him to leave, isn't it? Good luck.”

Shouji hurriedly thanked him and ran to the main building. He wasn't ready to confess his feelings like last time. He wasn't in his worst condition, but he hadn't combed his white hair or straightened his uniform tie, and he'd only put on deodorant after his shower. But he wanted to see Tokoyami soon. And he wanted to ask him out as soon as they looked at each other. He felt that if he didn't do it now, he wouldn't have a chance anymore. So this time, he wouldn't back down.

At least, that's what he thought until he found Tokoyami in front of his locker, with a new poem in hand. Nevertheless, he didn't look as shy and cheerful as usual - although he didn't react as dramatically as he did the first time.

Shouji's priorities immediately changed, and it took him a second to reach his friend's side.

“Hey, did something happen?”

Tokoyami handed him the paper, but explained anyway.

“He wants to meet me, now, behind this building, near the garden.”

One look at the note confirmed that to be true and Shouji would have been impressed and even more jealous that his admirer had managed to issue the invitation as poetry if he hadn't been more concerned about the insecure tone of Tokoyami's voice.

“You want to go?” He asked, trying to understand what was in the heart of the other.

The smaller one sighed, shaking his head, and hesitated when answering.

“I don't know. I want to know who this person is. But I don't know what I'll tell them. If they ask me out, should I give them a chance? And what if in the end…”

Shouji placed a hand on Tokoyami's small shoulder and squeezed gently.

“It's gonna be okay.” He reassured and offered cautiously. “Do you want me to come with?”

Tokoyami blinked at him in surprise. Shouji wasn't happy with his offer. He didn't want to see or hear someone else confessing their feelings to the boy he liked. But he wouldn't let Tokoyami go through it alone. At least not if he didn't want to.

“Don't you think that would be weird?” The black haired boy questioned with a weak smile.

Shouji shrugged, though he agreed.

“He will need to know that even if you start dating, I'll still be your shadow. And if he tries anything funny, he'll have to deal with me.”

To his astonishment, Tokoyami laughed. If an open smile was hard enough to achieve, a laugh was a rarity. But whenever he laughed, Shouji felt infinitely happy and fulfilled, as if it was his mission in this life to make that boy happy. Could his secret admirer make him laugh more often? And was it so bad that Shouji wanted that laugh all to himself?

“You're amazing, Shouji.” Tokoyami took the letter back, folded it carefully and put it in the same place as the others. Then he adjusted his bag over his shoulder and took a deep breath. “Righ, shall we?”

Despite the invitation, he remained standing where he was, his chest puffed out with false courage. Shouji then held out his hand - sweaty from nerves - and took the first step.

"Let's go.”

Obviously there was someone waiting for Tokoyami at the appointed place. And Shouji hated to admit it, but the boy was beautiful - no more than Tokoyami, but that was an unattainable level. He was a little shorter than Shouji, athletic in bearing, slightly stocky, and with an attractively messy, curly blond hair. He looked nervous, but he had a black rose in his hands, and his smile lit up as he noticed his crush approaching. However, his expression became more cautious as he crossed eyes with the Shouji.

Shouji and Tokoyami had released their hands before they appeared. They didn't want to give the wrong impression to the boy - although that justification made Shouji want to put his arm around his friend and claim him as his for the whole school. But he couldn't do that. Even more when Tokoyami relaxed softly when he identified the boy, who attended his music classes and had also performed with his guitar at the last Festival. When the black haired boy spoke, with a small nervous smile, that he could go it alone, Shouji could only agree and see his happiness rush into the arms of another.

He wanted to run to his house and cry under the covers for the rest of his life - maybe Ojiro was right, and Tokoyami wasn't the only dramatic one. But Tokoyami had asked him to wait for him on the way out. So he swallowed all his negativity and forced a neutral expression and a serious posture as he stood guard at the school gate.

Tokoyami seemed to take forever to appear, but when he did, he was alone and with a sad, thoughtful expression. Once again, Shouji's concerns changed radically and he moved towards his friend attentively.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it is.” Tokoyami assured in a tone of surrender. “Let's go to the square?”

Shouji nodded without hesitation and followed by his side, silently, but with doubt seeming to crowd his mind. It looked like Tokoyami had rejected the boy - which was impressive, since he looked like a dream - and that was more than a big reason for him to be happy... But how could he when his friend looked so down?

Shouji stopped suddenly, halfway there. “I want something to eat, do you want something?”, he asked, thinking that something sweet would help his friend feels a bit better. Tokoyami looked distractedly at the candy store, but smiled a little, so Shouji took the liberty of buying two apple candy crepes, and they both sat at a small table outside to eat in peace.

“So…” He finally decided to ask. “What's happened? Was he an idiot?”

Tokoyami looked carefully at his crepe, as if it were something very precious, then smiled and took a bite. Finally, he denied it.

“No. He looked quite charming, actually. Much like the poems suggested.”

It was as if Shouji had been shot and he squeezed his poor crepe so hard that the poor thing suddenly fell apart. He and Tokoyami looked at the mess, surprised, and the smaller one tried to suppress a laugh, while the other dropped the food on the plate, embarrassed.

“What the-! Right, that doesn't matter.” He tried to ignore what had just happened and returned to focus on his friend. “So you two…”

Tokoyami shook his head, catching his breath, and grabbed some napkins to help him.

“No, in the end, the idiot was me. He knew the reason for my rejection even before I said anything. And even though he looked hurt, he said he had figured, that it was pretty obvious, but he wanted to keep hope anyway.”

Shouji frowned but let Tokoyami wipe his sticky hands. Luckily, nothing had spilled onto his uniform.

“What are you talking about?”

Tokoyami smiled, showing his teeth shyly.

"Looks like it's not that obvious. He realized that I'm already in love with someone else. Deeply."

“You are?” Now Shouji was stabbed and his voice came out in a whisper. Deeply in love with someone else? By whom? And how had he never noticed before?

“I am. He's the sweetest person I've ever met; he is always looking out for me; he always listens to me talk about unintelligible things during my endless sleepless nights; he agrees to watch the scariest movies with me even though he knows he won't be able to sleep easy afterwards; he makes me feel special just for existing…” The boy was no longer wiping the other's huge palm, but was smoothing it affectionately, which was hindering the taller one's reasoning. Was it his impression or… "I'm in love with you, Shouji. I know you said you weren't interested in romance right now, but… I still feel I have to ask... Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Shouji didn't have the words to answer, so he just stared at Tokoyami blankly. Had he really just gotten a confession from the boy he wanted so badly to confess? He couldn't believe it, and he felt so many things at that moment that his best reaction was to have a fit of laughter. A long, half-hysterical one who left tears in the corners of his eyes. Meanwhile, Tokoyami stared at him with a scared half smile.

"Is everything right? Was it a weird confession? I-it's okay if you say no. I completely understand," he began to despair.

Shouji forced himself to choke back his laughter and wiped his eyes, then shook his head vehemently.

“No, it's nothing like that. I just… I'm so happy, and relieved, and exhausted from feeling so jealous for nothing.” He finally managed to calm down, taking a deep breath, and faced a still confused Tokoyami with a smile the size of the world. “I like you too, Yami. So much. I'm sorry I didn't say it before. I realized too late, and then there were those letters... But that doesn't matter now. I really want to go on a date with you.”

“You do?” Tokoyami smiled incredulously, but hopefully.

“I really do. How about tomorrow? It's Saturday. We could go to the movies or something else.” He suggested right away. There was so much he wanted to do and so many places he wanted to take him.

“Hmm… There is a play that will premiere on Sunday, and I would like to see it with you.” Tokoyami thought for a moment, with a more relaxed smile on his face.

“We can do both. It's the weekend after all. I don't think my grandparents will care too much,” Shouji proposed quickly.

“Neither will my father. Saturday and Sunday then?”

“Saturday and Sunday then.”

Shouji covered the smaller boy's hands affectionately, and for a moment, they just stared and smiled at each other like two dorks in love. They really were two idiots. They were so eager to do what they already did every day and a little more. Holding hands was nothing new, but knowing the real feelings they had for each other made it all the more special.

“Were you grumpy the last few days because you were jealous?” Tokoyami suddenly asked, inclining his head, with an amused smile, and Shouji squinted, embarrassed.

“Did I get that bad?”