Work Text:
“The thing is,” Nadja says. “Is that Gizmo has been keeping a secret. Now, Laszlo and I love a good secret.”
“But only when we’re the ones who have ‘em,” Laszlo cuts in. “And not when some sneaky little fuck with the power to stake us all in our sleep has one.”
“Yes,” Nadja agrees. “We tried to talk to Nandor about it-“
“We even let him convene one of his stupid little fucking meetings-“
“But he was… unresponsive.”
“I am simply sure that Guillermo is not up to anything sinister or nasty,” Nandor insists.
“You’re only saying that,” Laszlo counters. “Because you want him to stick his little human cock up where your sun don’t shine.”
“I resent that,” he says with a frown, which is not actually a denial of anything.
“That he’s saying your judgment is clouded or that cause he’s saying Guillermo’s little fella is-“ Colin Robinson starts.
“Can we get back to how Nandor’s familiar is planning to kill us?” Nadja demands.
“Firstly, Guillermo is our bodyguard, he’s not my anything. Second of all, why must you assume he’s trying to kill us? Perhaps he is planning us all a nice big surprise party!”
“Unlikely.” Colin Robinson leans in, a vaguely smug smile on his face. “You have to be cool to do that and as Adam Yauch, Adam Horovitz, and Michael Diamond once said, he does not have a ‘license to ill’.”
The three of them stare at Colin Robinson, then at each other.
“No one is killing Guillermo,” Nandor finally states. “End of meeting. Now, onto the leaving of bloody mugs everywhere-“
“Fuck it, I’m out.” Laszlo stands and leaves. Nadja makes a tcht sound and follows him.
“Seems like a Guillermo problem,” Colin Robinson observes mildly. “Say, speaking of Guillermo, was your issue with Laszlo’s denigration of his quote unquote manhood or was it-“
“Fuck off, Colin Robinson.” Nandor storms off. “Fucking guy.”
“So because he wants that little bastard to fuck his brains out-“
“What little of them there is to be having,” Nadja adds, giggling loudly.
“Ah, well done, my love- anyhow, so because he wants that little bastard to fuck his brains out, we’ve all got to lie in our beds wondering if he’s about to give us the long poke goodnight, as it were. Also the title of a porno I was in,” he adds, almost as an afterthought. “It was a rather good one. Two chaps are spies in the Cold War, and they meet up in a bar, and one of them is rather randy, and-“
“I am thinking we should install security cameras,” Nadja interrupts. “But, of course, it is the kind of thing we would have Gizmo do, we don’t know how to do any of that shit.”
“Our only solution is to be wary,” Laszlo concludes. “And to be near Nandor when it happens so we can get in one last great big bloody I told you so before the end comes.”
“I think it’s fun,” Colin Robinson tells them in that odd way he has of being placid and not very placid at all. “I mean, am I worried, personally? Not really. I mean, I know he put on that whole display at the theater, but I really do think I could probably take him. Those three, wellllllllll, they might be screwed. Y’know, for vampires, theyyyy don’t really have a hunter’s instinct. There’s a reason Nandor relies on Guillermo to supply food. But no, I think I would be okay. What?” He leans in a little. “Oh, no, I don’t know what he’s up to, I’m just sort of assuming it’s nefarious.”
“He is not,” Nandor stresses, shifting in his chair. “Up to anything nefarious, and I will rip Colin Robinson’s treacherous tongue out of his foul and deceitful mouth, and I will chop it up, and I will make Guillermo cook it and leave it out for the cat in the back.”
“What cat?”
Nandor beams proudly. “I know Guillermo’s little secret,” he tells them. “He is feeding a cat. I hear it sometimes, mewling. He thinks he’s so good at being such a sneaky little so and so, but I know. Nandor sees all. I believe Guillermo has earned a secret after his very arousing display at the theater.”
“…arousing?”
Nandor’s face twitches. “Er, arresting. Er, titillating. Er-“ Nandor abruptly stands and pushes past the camera crew, storming off.
“Yeah, I know they had a meeting about me.” Guillermo is briskly moving through the halls at a pace hard to keep up with. “They’re not subtle and they talk pretty loud. Frankly, I’d be an embarrassment of a bodyguard if I hadn’t noticed.”
“So what is your secret?”
Guillermo flashes a tight smile over his shoulder as he approaches his closet bedroom. “None of your fucking business,” he answers sweetly before closing the door behind him as something makes noise in his room.
“Perhaps he has made a little mouse friend,” Nadja muses. “Like the animated comedy film Rat-tattoo-whee.”
“Impossible,” Laszlo says, eyes boredly tracking down something on the wall. “He never wears a hat.”
“His hair is very curly, though. Perhaps he hides.”
“Why are we assuming that the mouse is a he?” Colin Robinson asks with a little snort. “Uh, hashtag girlboss, am I right?”
“Guillermo has made no rat friends,” Nandor says sourly. “We would know if he was hiding a living creature, we are very perceptive .”
“Colin Robinson, have you really discovered nothing?” Laszlo gestures at him. “I mean, you’re awake during the daylight.”
“I don’t… spend any meaningful time with him. Have you discovered anything?”
“Fuck no, why would I?”
“Nadja?” Colin Robinson asks as Nandor looks smugly at one of the cameras. “Have you tried to… seduce him, maybe?”
Nadja pulls a face. “He’s not even good enough for a midday snack.”
“Guillermo would make a fine midday snack.” Nandor looks wounded. “A luncheon, even.”
“Well, what about you, then?” Laszlo demands. “You’re the one who wants him to put the fuck in your trumpet, do you know what he’s up to?”
“Wha, me, no, certainly not, I am just, just very sure that it is not evil, and that it has nothing to do with cats. Now, we really do need to get back to the question of the dishes-“
“Everybody, scarper,” Laszlo instructs, and everybody obeys.
“He’s eating that cat,” Colin Robinson affirms. “Good for him. I’ve always been curious, myself.”
“Fucking it,” Nadja and Laszlo say unanimously.
“Maybe it’s, uh.” Laszlo gestures. “A what d’you call ‘em. A furry. Wouldn’t put it past Nandor to get ‘em confused. Hm? Oh, yes, I’ve dabbled. No one wants to get as into it as I do, and Nadja isn’t interested-“ Nadja makes a face. “So I don’t really partake. I’d be surprised if Gizmo had it in him to be a furry, truly, he doesn’t seem freaky enough. He’s like... dry white toast, or Phish.”
“We are relieved, though,” Nadja adds. “Quite relieved. Better to have him as a pervert than trying to murder us.”
“Oh, yes, of course. I had been quite concerned about him staking my dear lady wife, but it turns out he’s putting his stake in somebody else. Works out for everybody, really.”
“Speaking of staking, darling-“ Nadja leans in with a roguish grin. “All this talk of perverts and fishes-“
“Right.” Laszlo stands. “Come on, get out. Or don’t, we’ve always wanted a tape-“
“I know,” someone murmurs from the kitchen. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, I’m doing my best. It’s okay, mija. See, there’s a smile? There’s a smile. Shh, shh, shh. It’s-“
Guillermo freezes, deer in the headlights, staring at them, a baby in the crook of his arm and a bottle in the other hand.
“You can’t tell anyone.” Guillermo bounces the baby girl as he paces. “Anyone. They’ll just, they’ll just-“ Guillermo shakes his head. “You know them, you know how they are, it’ll, it’ll be a disaster, and I didn’t, I didn’t steal her, except, um, maybe I did, a little bit, but, but it was a good steal.” He looks down at her. “It was when we visited that stupid vampire cult last week, the one with the funny cloaks, and I overheard them talking about, about sacrifice and children, and, well, I couldn’t have that, so later I went back and staked everybody but they had this baby and I’d heard them saying they’d eaten her parents and I didn’t know what to do and she was crying and I couldn’t leave her there, so I just… didn’t.”
“…so you kept her?”
“ Well, what were my options?” Guillermo hisses. “Just call up the police? You want me to trust cops? I’ve been trying to find her family but I don’t know that she has any, and I just, it’s fine, okay, it’s fine! I’m gonna build a little place in the backyard, okay, and I’m gonna tell them it’s a church, they’ll never go in there, and I’ll, I’ll take her to playgrounds and I’ll, um, go to PTA meetings, and I’ll, um-“ he adjusts her in his arms. “I’m gonna figure it out. Don’t look at me like that, it’s gonna be-“
There’s a clattering and he freezes before scuttling off behind the curtains. Nadja floats into the room, heading for the fridge. “Oh, hello. Just down for a little midnight snack, Gizmo keeps the good blood in the freezer. It’s like a little popsicle, you know? Are you shooting the B roll? Would it help you if I did a little twirl-“ Guillermo sneezes and she whips around. “Hello? Who is there?”
“Just… cleaning the windows!” Guillermo says as she rips the curtain back.
“Well, you should be doing it better. You don’t even have a-“ she screams, pointing at the baby. “What is that?”
“Don’t yell, don’t yell-“ the baby starts wailing and Guillermo winces, holding her closer.
“Nadja? What is it? Has a pigeon gotten in the rafters again, my love?” Laszlo staggers in and blinks, staring at Guillermo. “The fuck is that?”
“Oh, boy,” Colin Robinson says, peering into the kitchen. “I’ll admit, this… is a bit of a surprise.”
“Guillermo? Why do I hear screeching?” Nandor sweeps in.
“Why are all of you awake?” Guillermo demands. “Why aren’t you at work?”
“Today was a day it really would’ve screwed my coworkers over to be absent so I called in sick.”
Nandor looks startled. “What do you have there?”
“I know you all know what a baby is.”
“That’s what’s been making the racket?” Laszlo asks. “I thought it was that cat you’d been fucking.”
Guillermo looks like he’s had a stroke. “The what?”
“Where in the hell did you get a human baby?” Nadja demands, voice rising to be heard over the baby’s screaming.
“Didn’t you question that the vampire compound we went to last week was a sacrificial death cult?”
“If they pay their dues, it’s not our business who’s killing who! That’s what the free market is all about!”
“No, it isn't!”
“So are we eating it?” Laszlo asks.
Guillermo takes a few steps back. “I will put all of you in the ground,” he growls. Laszlo and Nadja hold up their hands. Colin Robinson looks intrigued. Nandor looks a little turned on.
“Well, what the fuck are we gonna do, then, if we’re not eating it?”
“Why wouldn’t you tell us, Guillermo?” Nandor asks, somewhat gentle.
“Laszlo just asked if he could eat her!” Guillermo shouts, borderline hysterical.
“Oh, get fucked, be glad I asked at all.”
Guillermo looks like he wants to gesticulate wildly but his arms are too full of baby.
“Guillermo, turn the volume down on it, the screeching, it’s too much,” Nadja says, plugging her ears.
“If you’d all stop yelling-“ Nandor strides up and Guillermo takes a few more steps back. “Master, master, no, master, please-“
Nandor lifts the baby out of Guillermo’s arms and holds her up in front of his face so he’s looking up at her. Guillermo freezes. Nadja, Laszlo, and Colin Robinson stare. The baby stops crying.
“Hello, baby,” Nandor says. He looks down at Guillermo. “What is her designation?”
“Um.” Guillermo looks afraid to move. “I’ve been calling her Luna.”
Nandor smiles. “Hello, Luuuuuuuuuna.” He bounces her a little and she giggles. “Yes. It is a good name. The sort of name all will learn to tremble in fear at. Her armies will be mighty, won’t they? Yes, they will be very mighty.” Nandor walks off, still holding Luna aloft and singing to her softly in Persian.
Everyone in the kitchen stare at each other.
“Do we just have a fucking baby now?” Laszlo finally thunders.
Nandor readjusts the little blue hat on Luna, who is sitting in his lap and avidly watching the camera.
“It’s been about three days. Guillermo is very insistent we steer her away from traditional gender roles if we are to make this whole thing work out,” he tells them. “He says she is still too young for armor, but that is alright, because I know Guillermo will protect her while I am asleep. I have asked him to purchase a little dagger on the Amazon Dot Com as a starter weapon and he says he will see what he can do.” He settles her further into his lap. “It was very silly of Guillermo not to tell me. I am the only one out of any of us with any parenting experience. We will raise her to crush her enemies underfoot, and to conquer any land she sees fit. With Guillermo and I as parents, she will be unstoppable! A fearsome warrior who will- hm? Oh, yes, Colin Robinson and Nadja and Laszlo are also here. Anyway, the streets will run red with the blood of her enemies, and-“ Luna coos and he smiles down at her. “Yes, they will, won’t they? They’ll be very red, won’t they?”
“No, this is good,” Colin Robinson says cheerfully, tapping his hands on his knees. “No, yeah, I’m enjoying it. Raising a child, you know, it’s got its perks, I’m sure, but it is also an inherently uncomfortable situation a lot of the time. Potty training, cleaning up vomit, the almighty goldmine of the sex talk. Guillermo and Nandor don’t know where they stand, so there’s some awkward dancing. Nadja and Laszlo are sullen that their sexcapades have to be more about the sex than the capade. There’s gonna be some readjustment, some growing pains. It’s a very weird vibe, so yeah, I’m pretty happy.”
“We can’t fuck in the hallways anymore,” Laszlo tells them. “And it’s cramping my style.”
“Yes,” Nadja agrees. “We can’t fuck in the hallways, we can’t fuck on the stairs. I did not particularly like to fuck on the stairs, but we could do it!”
“And now Gizmo won’t let us, because he says it’s a bad environment to raise a child in. You know, we are all in this house together, and we barely let Colin Robinson have a say, we sure as fuck don’t let the familiar-“
“Bodyguard,” Nadja corrects.
“Who gives a shit, we sure as fuck don’t let the familiar have a say.”
“But if we take Gizmo or the younglet away, Nandor gets upset,” Nadja says. “And if we take just the younglet, then Gizmo will-“ Nadja mimes stabbing and blows a raspberry.
“It’s a fucking hostage situation,” Laszlo says.
“…you could move somewhere else.”
Laszlo and Nadja stare.
“Are you new?” she asks. She peers around the camera. “Hey! Who the fuck is this?”
Guillermo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, they talk a big game, but they all want a foothold in the naming. She needs something… sensible for a last name, so we’ve managed to agree on Luna de la Cruz. But the current full name is Luna Relentless Cravensworth Antipaxos Colin Robinson de la Cruz, and there’s a lot of jockeying for who gets the top spot for the middle name. I think Relentless is good where it is? Everything else we can figure it out. Um.” Guillermo tilts his head. “Nandor is like… really good with her, which is… a little surprising, I guess. He does talk to her a lot about… vanquishing, and stuff like that. But he also talks to her about horses, and he makes her laugh, and he’s really good at keeping her quiet. Colin likes to just sit in the room when Nandor and I are in the room together which is… weird but fine. Nadja and Laszlo keep loudly insisting they want nothing to do with her but I saw Nadja whispering to her about avoiding ghosts and I saw Laszlo making funny faces for her, so, we’ll see how that goes. I’ve been reading a lot of parenting blogs cause, I mean, I think someone should have a handle on how to do this modern day. They’re… mostly insufferable. I’m gonna buy some books.” Guillermo smiles, looking almost shy. “Things are… good. I think things are good.”
“Guillermo! ” Nandor calls. “ She is making the poopy in the diaper! I don’t deal with that!”
Guillermo’s smile turns a little wry.
“Duty calls,” he says, and leaves.