Work Text:
Hoseok smiles out at the screaming crowd packed in the Gocheok Sky Dome. The weight of the daesang is comforting in his hand as he speaks into the mic.
“This year really was full of events… we traveled the world and learned and felt lots in our travels. Our world really is made up of various people and exchanges are happening all the time…”
i.
He’s taking one last lap of the stage at Newark, the final notes of “Answer: Love Myself” still ringing out inside the arena. All of the fans are still singing along, many with tears in their eyes. Hoseok spots a few by the barricade, clutching a bright rainbow flag and waving it enthusiastically even as tears drip down their cheeks. Hoping to make them smile, Hoseok flashes them a grin and points to their flag, giving them two thumbs up. It’s pretty – he feels like he’s seen the flag before, in other concerts, in other places. It probably has some meaning he’s not aware of, but the colors make him happy.
His smile slips from his face when the women start crying even harder at his gesture. One drops her end of the flag and presses her arm against her eyes while the other moves even closer to the barricade, extending the flag out to him with a look that’s equal parts excited and pleading. Hoseok is about to reach forward and take it when he hears a sharp command from a crew member – so he gives her a regretful smile and shoots them both a few more finger hearts as he scampers off.
Later, he asks Sejin about the flag. Their manager is busy directing them to the right cars for their departure, but he freezes at Hoseok’s question. Hoseok frowns as he realizes how uncomfortable Sejin looks, and strangely small – not something that can be said often about their giant manager.
“It’s nothing to worry yourself about, Hoseok-ah,” Sejin finally tells him, and ushers him off to his car. Somehow, his words ring in a cyclical echo in Hoseok’s mind as he rides back to the hotel. Maybe Sejin thought it was something he didn’t need to know about? But now Hoseok is even more curious.
So he pulls up Naver once he’s in his bed. The webpage loads slowly, but Hoseok feels his breath whoosh out at the sight of the first result.
“The rainbow flag is a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer pride and social movements.”
He’s vaguely familiar with the words he’s reading – he’s not completely sheltered, despite South Korea’s less than favorable views on “alternate” sexualities. It’s just never been something he’s had to actively think about before.
Hoseok swallows dryly and stares at the words until his vision swims, heart pounding erratically in his chest. Butterflies flutter in his stomach, but he doesn’t know if they’re nerves or something more.
He wonders why those women were so emotional at his gesture. Wonders why they tried to give him the flag. He wants to know more – wants to understand another aspect of their fans, one he’s been foolish enough to blithely ignore until now.
He falls asleep in the wee hours of the morning, phone still lit up with search results about the queer community.
ii.
“Namjoonie~” Hoseok sings as he lets himself into Namjoon’s studio. It’s been years since he stopped knocking before letting himself in – Namjoon is far too prone to falling asleep in his studio, and sleeps like the dead once he does.
Namjoon looks up from his phone with a welcoming smile. Hoseok can see Twitter lit up on his screen and gives his friend a grin, moving to drop into a chair next to him.
“Checking the feedback on our latest album?” he teases, as if he hasn’t been doing the exact same thing all morning. Though “Love Yourself: Answer” is technically a repackage, it also includes some new songs and they’re always eager to hear their fans’ thoughts about new music.
Namjoon laughs ruefully and locks his phone. “You know me too well, Hob-ah. It’s always exciting to see how excited they get.” Namjoon beams, his dimples carving deep indents into his cheeks, and Hoseok’s chest clenches a little at how cute he looks. “Along with our songs, I wanted to see what they thought about the full-length version of Serendipity too. Jiminie really did such a good job with it.”
Hoseok hums in agreement as he pulls out his own phone – it’s been their first real opportunity to check feedback since their weekend concerts.
“There’s a lot of talk about our lyrics again,” Namjoon continues as Hoseok lifts his gaze from his phone to look attentively at his friend. “About how Serendipity and even our songs don’t really specify gender, even though they’re clearly about lovers.” Namjoon’s eyes are sparkling with happiness.
Hoseok tilts his head to one side, a smile of polite confusion on his face. “I didn’t realize that would be important to ARMY,” he muses. Namjoon clicks his tongue in a reprieve, and Hoseok flushes a little.
“Most songs, Korean or English or otherwise – they’re usually always singing explicitly about a gender, usually one suggesting a heterosexual relationship,” Namjoon explains. Hoseok just blinks in response, so Namjoon continues. “It’s like it’s the default, right? We used to do it too. Men sing about women, women sing about men, that’s just how love works. Except it’s not, not really. Because men can love men, and women can love women too.”
Hoseok’s eyes widen and he looks back down at his phone, Namjoon’s words ringing in his ears. Do their fans think that Jimin or Namjoon or himself could be singing about another man? They’re not, of course. On his part, at least, it wasn’t a purposeful choice to keep gender out of his lyrics. It just didn’t seem necessary.
“Did you do that on purpose?” Hoseok finds himself asking as he looks back up.
Namjoon’s smile is achingly gentle.
“I did, yeah. They deserve songs about love too, don’t they?”
iii.
“Thank you so much for your time!” the interviewer gushes once the camera stops recording. Their interpreter rapidly translates for them, but Hoseok can already guess the gist of it as Namjoon and Jungkook both bow their heads in response – and he knows enough English to recognize “thank you” at this point. So he smiles politely too, and dips his head. It was a good interview – rife with the usual questions that come with English-language interviews, but pleasant all the same.
“I really appreciate your thoughtful answers,” the interviewer continues to speak. Hoseok ignores him for the most part, turning to chat with Jimin instead. “We talked about a lot of really typical things, I know, but you have so much support here in the UK, I just want you to know! I actually received so many questions and I had to really cut them down.” Out of the corner of his eye, Hoseok can see Namjoon smiling and nodding politely.
“Actually, there was one very sweet message from an LGBTQ+ fan of yours. She really wanted me to share how your music, especially Love Yourself era, has helped her so much. She even met her girlfriend through ARMY, isn’t that amazing?”
Their interpreter translates the words without hesitation. Hoseok sees Namjoon’s smile brighten even more, Jungkook’s eyes sparkling with surprise and Yoongi wearing a small fond expression at the words.
“That’s amazing,” Namjoon responds enthusiastically in English. Hoseok stays quiet as a few of the other members chime in, mulling the words over in his head.
It makes him feel so strangely full, to know that they’ve been able to affect someone’s life so deeply. They often hear about the impact they’ve had on their fans before – interviewers love bringing it up – but it somehow feels different this time. Namjoon’s words from a few months ago ring in his ears – they deserve songs about love, too.
He can imagine how much more difficult every single day must be for their queer fans. How much more comforting it must be to discover music that they can relate to, that tells them that they are loved and valued and cherished. He’s been thinking a lot about their queer fans ever since the concert in Newark. He’s done a little more reading on the community too, and has made it a point to seek out fans waving their rainbow flags at concerts and give them a smile.
But something about hearing the weight of how much they’ve been able to help even without meaning to – it makes him feel both proud and frustrated. Because it hasn’t been purposeful, except maybe on Namjoon’s part. Their leader has a better sense of how things work outside of a Korean context, and has always had the ability to be more subtle in his displays of support. Hoseok, on the other hand – he wouldn’t even know where to start. Even if he said something supportive, made some sort of a supportive gesture, it would start the rumor mill firing immediately. They’re too well known now for the media to not incessantly debate over why he would feel the need to say something about it.
No one would be able to accept a simple answer of “because I wanted to.” An answer of “because they deserve to be seen, too.”
Instead, Hoseok hangs back even after their other members have left. Hoseok asks their interpreter to help him as he steps up to the interviewer, giving the man a bright smile and hoping his sincerity will reach past the words he’s uttering.
“Thank you for a wonderful interview. And thank you for always telling us what our fans are saying, too. Every word we hear from them is always precious.”
iv.
Hoseok loves stepping out while they’re on tour. There’s something so special about roaming the streets of a foreign city, breathing in air that tastes just a little bit different – the joy of exploration mingling intimately with the sorrow of not knowing when he’ll be able to return next.
In Paris, he drags Taehyung along with him. Taehyung is his favorite travel partner because he’s good at being quiet, and because he appreciates the little beauties of a new city the same way Hoseok does. Taehyung knows they don’t have to talk much and is just as content to soak in the atmosphere. They communicate well in their silences.
They’re strolling by the Seine, on their way to the Musée National Picasso-Paris. Paris in October is chilly, wind whipping off the waters of the river, and Hoseok feels oddly at home. No matter which city they visit, there is always a glimpse of the familiar, an echo of Seoul and even of Gwangju. For Paris, it’s the tranquility of walking by a river that is clearly the heart of the city.
Taehyung chatters excitedly as he swings their joined hands, and Hoseok smiles at his dongsaeng fondly. Europe suits Taehyung so much, and he looks completely in place among the bustle of Paris. It’s Taehyung who guides him on when to turn and walk deeper into city, leading both Hoseok and their security team with a seasoned confidence.
They’re crossing through the Place des Vosges when Hoseok sees two men ahead of them, walking very much like himself and Taehyung – hands clasped, shoulders close enough to brush. He can’t quite articulate even to himself what catches his attention – maybe it’s the fondness that radiates from them, even from this distance. As Hoseok watches, the taller of the two men turns to smile at his companion. The other man returns the smile, tugging on their clasped hands before reaching up to press their lips together gently.
Hoseok feels as if he’s intruding on something impossibly private and tender. The taller man returns the kiss enthusiastically, free arm moving to slide around his partner’s waist, tugging him even closer. It’s such a simple gesture, yet Hoseok can’t help but think of the art he’s seen in museums – deceptively simple, but layered with complexity the closer you look. A kiss is simple, but a kiss between two men – even in the streets of a metropolis like Paris – is an act of defiance and self-love to the highest degree.
Taehyung catches sight of the two men as well and lets out a soft sound of wonder. As Hoseok turns to look at him, he wonders idly what it would be like to do the same to Taehyung – to tug him just a little closer, craning his neck up a little to press his lips to Taehyung’s full bottom lip. Wonders what Taehyung would taste like, what it would feel like to kiss one of his best friends in the streets of the city of love.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Taehyung speaks softly. Hoseok hums in agreement, gaze still lingering on Taehyung’s lips.
v.
It’s difficult for most idol debuts to create a true commotion in South Korea. No matter how anticipated a debut is, how well-marketed, most of them still follow a similar pattern.
Go Taeseob, though, is a different story.
“He’s the first openly out idol,” Yoongi tells him as he settles down comfortably in his chair in Hoseok’s studio. “It’s causing quite a stir, as you could imagine. I’m not sure if he’ll really be mainstream, at least not at first, but it’s pretty amazing.” Yoongi’s voice is soft as always, but Hoseok can hear the admiration in his words. “He’s not signed by any company. He just funded his own debut single, working multiple jobs on his own.”
Hoseok knows Yoongi can relate to that – struggling for his art, not knowing if success will follow but desperately desiring an outlet for the music that makes a home deep inside him.
He navigates to Taeseob’s – Holland’s – music video and hits play. As the first few notes ring out and the scene changes from a dark tunnel to a bright blue sky, he hears Yoongi catch his breath next to him. Hoseok keeps his eyes on the computer screen, watching as Holland narrates a beautifully simplistic story through the use of vibrant blues and gentle smiles.
When the music video finishes, Hoseok can hear small, choked sounds next to him. He turns to face a silently crying Yoongi.
He finds himself unable to speak as he watches Yoongi wipe at his damp cheeks. He knows, he knows before Yoongi even says anything – he’s known for a while, even if he’s never really acknowledged it to himself.
Hoseok quietly reaches out to draw Yoongi into his arms, and his hyung sinks into his body without protest. He presses his face against the curve of Hoseok’s neck, and Hoseok can feel the words whispered into his skin like a secret.
“Me too. I’m – I’m gay too. I wish I’d had his courage. I wish I still did.”
+ i.
Hoseok loves late nights with Jungkook and Seokjin. Though he adores all of his members, there are times when he feels intimidated by the depth of their late-night conversations. Jungkook and Seokjin, though – they’re just as uncomfortable with heart-to-hearts as he is. Which is why they’re perfect for this particular conversation.
“Do you ever wonder how everyone just. Knows themselves so well?”
Jungkook looks up from his phone, forehead furrowing in confusion. Seokjin speaks on behalf of both of them.
“You might need to be a little more precise.”
Hoseok sighs. “I could mean it in a lot of different ways. But I was thinking about sexuality.”
Seokjin blinks.
“At 1:18 on a Tuesday morning?”
Hoseok groans and swats at his hyung. “I didn’t realize there was a set time and place for ruminating on my sexuality,” he sniffs. Jungkook promptly abandons his phone and crawls closer to lay his head in Hoseok’s lap. Hoseok relaxes almost immediately, starting to comb his fingers through Jungkook’s dark hair.
“I just mean,” Hoseok continues to Seokjin’s inquiring expression, “everyone just knows. Yoongi-hyung said he knew he was gay when he was little. Taehyung and Jimin have always been so outspoken about being pansexual. Namjoonie is so comfortable just admitting that he’s going with the flow and he loves whoever he loves.” Hoseok lets out a frustrated sound from the back of his throat. “How do they know?”
Sexuality was never something Hoseok thought about, not until lately. But ever since October, when he’d had the impromptu thought about kissing Taehyung, it’s all he’s been able to think about.
Like many others, Hoseok has always assumed himself to be straight. Yet straight men don’t think about kissing other men, not in the way Hoseok has been – with flutters in his stomach and a deep ache in his bones. Straight men don’t think back on their childhood crushes and realize that they were an even split between girls and boys.
Straight men don’t constantly wonder what it would be like to have more with their own members.
Jungkook lets out a thoughtful sound, and Hoseok looks down to meet his gaze. The maknae’s eyes are shining with starlight.
“I don’t think any of them actually know though,” Jungkook speaks slowly. Hoseok can see Seokjin nodding in agreement out of the corner of his eye. “Or – they don’t know in the way that makes something permanent, like it can’t be changed.”
Seokjin scoots over to start massaging the back of Hoseok’s neck, and Hoseok lets himself mull over Jungkook’s words.
“You mean, you can keep questioning it?”
Jungkook hums, turning his head to nuzzle into Hoseok’s belly. “Yeah. There’s no harm in it, right? It’s just you.”
Hoseok’s struck by the quiet maturity in Jungkook’s words, and without thinking about it, tugs the younger up. Jungkook looks confused, and that’s the last thing Hoseok sees before he presses his lips gently to the other man’s.
Jungkook lets out a little gasp against his lips, and Hoseok can hear Seokjin snort. “Yah, Hoseok-ah, was that just an extended pick-up line? I’ve taught you well.”
Jungkook tastes sweet and kisses with a shy confidence that feels familiar. Hoseok pulls away reluctantly, raising his eyebrows at his hyung as Seokjin gives him a shit-eating grin that is a clear cover for ‘hey, I want one too’.
“Did it work, hyung? Come get yours, then. It can be an early birthday present.”
“… and people who feel various kinds of love. At this moment, I’m so proud and happy.”
Seokjin gives him a tiny knowing smile, and Jungkook crowds closer, and Hoseok is content. This is enough.