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Maybe one day my feelings will reach you.
***
Tsunade told him that after the battle with Pain, he must have gone through some kind of shock and trauma. Naruto wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean. He felt fine.
He could feel how all the wounds on his body were slowly healing and fading. He was also talking to Kakashi-Sensei about this everyday. They were taking their usual walks around the village and Naruto told him about his everyday activities. He could feel Sakura’s and Tsunade’s eyes on him as they kept following them.
He didn’t really understand why they kept following him and Kakashi-Sensei around but maybe it was because of the severe wounds that Kakashi-Sensei got after the fight with Pain. He turned back to his Sensei and smiled at the other man. The silver haired man smiled so tenderly at him that it made Naruto’s heart beat faster.
He could feel Kakashi reach out to him, their hands were almost touching. Naruto blushed and walked a little bit faster.
“Mah, Sensei, I have to tell you about the awesome training with Gai-Sensei and Lee! It went really well. But you know, Tsunade-baa-chan says that I am not allowed to do too much… She says that the fight with Pain caused some kind of trauma or something? Stupid right? I mean what is she talking about?” He laughed and walked on. Kakashi followed him.
They walked silently through the park and the streets. Naruto could feel Kakashi’s presence, and he enjoyed their time together. They separated on the main street because Naruto had to take the other street back to his apartment. He turned back to watch Kakashi go back to his place, but he had already disappeared, he had probably already gone back to his home. Naruto shrugged and slowly went down the road that would lead to his apartment. He would see Kakashi tomorrow.
*
He woke up and the warm rays of sunlight were softly tickling his nose. Naruto sighed as he stretched his limbs. He got out of bed and decided that he would take a quick shower and get ready for the day. He would meet Gai-Sensei for a little sparring session in the morning - like usual. He was surprised that Gai-Sensei had visited him so often at the hospital after Pain's attack, but he never complained. He was glad that the Jonin was there and that Gai-Sensei was helping him get back in shape again. They trained together every day. Naruto was just confused that Gai never answered his questions why he stopped training with Kakashi-Sensei. Gai told him evasive answers that Kakashi wanted him to take care of Naruto right now and that he had some important mission.
The blond shinobi thought that Gai’s answers almost sounded like Tsunade’s statements about his supposed trauma. Whatever that was supposed to mean. He didn’t feel like he had a trauma. He didn’t feel sick or anything.
The shower felt nice, and he got ready for the day. Gai-Sensei and Lee would be here soon.
He ate something because Kakashi-Sensei always told him that training with Gai-Sensei on an empty stomach was a very bad idea. He chuckled and waited for the Jonin to knock.
*
Gai and Lee picked him up like usual and together they made their way to training ground three. Naruto insisted on this training ground because it was the same that he had always trained with Team 7. Nothing unusual happened while he was training with Gai and Lee. They were working on their Taijutsu moves and they were working up quite the sweat. After a few hours Naruto told them goodbye like every day, because Kakashi-Sensei would pick him up soon. Gai-Sensei smiled sadly at the shinobi and nodded. “Of course. Please tell my rival to take care. He…He’s reckless sometimes.”
“You should tell him that yourself, Gai-Sensei.” Naruto chuckled. “I will tell Kakashi-Sensei that you send your greetings. Bye Gai-Sensei! Bye Lee!”
Gai watched how Naruto happily left the training ground. A heavy feeling settled in his chest. His lip was trembling. It was getting more and more difficult each day. He could feel Lee approaching him.
“Gai-Sensei? Don’t you think that we should tell him?”
“We can’t… He thinks that Kakashi is still alive. He speaks to him everyday. He hasn’t coped with the fact that Kakashi died a year ago.” He watched the blond shinobi who walked in the distance and was talking to someone who wasn’t there anymore. He could see the happy smile on Naruto’s face. There was a blush on his cheeks and Gai felt like his heart was breaking. He felt helpless and the loss of his best friend was still hurting him so much that sometimes he barely couldn’t stand it.
Tsunade, Sakura and Gai realized that the blond was in love with Kakashi when heavy fever and panic attacks were wracking Naruto’s body after the fight with Pain was over and everyone was brought back to life. Well – almost everyone. Kakashi didn’t wake up again.
Gai was aware that Naruto had feelings for Kakashi and that his mind had fled into this made-up world where he and Kakashi could meet everyday and just be together. A world where he could simply be with the one he had loved.
“We can’t tell him…” Gai said and patted Lee’s shoulder. “I don’t think he could take it.” He turned away and left the training ground. It was hurting him too much to watch Naruto hurt himself like this.
*
Naruto walked down the street and pointed at some new store that had apparently just opened up. He guided Kakashi towards the open stall. They sold fresh fruit and vegetables. He felt a little hungry after the training and decided that he would buy some fruit for himself and Kakashi-Sensei. Maybe they could eat them on top of the Hokage mountain. He quickly pointed at some apples and gave the woman at the stall the money.
“Thank you!” He told the woman and turned back to Kakashi. “Come on Kakashi-Sensei. Let’s go.” He smiled and started walking. In his peripheral view he could see how the woman looked at him strangely, but he didn’t mind. He took the apples and made his way towards the Hokage mountain.
He realized that today neither Sakura nor Tsunade were following him but two Anbu. He didn’t understand what was going on.
“Nee, Sensei, do you know why Tsunade-baa-chan is sending ANBU after us?” He looked back and he realized that the ANBU didn’t even make a secret out of their presence. They bowed to Naruto, kept a polite distance and kept following him. He looked at them confused and turned back to Kakashi. “Well, strange... but at least they are not bothering us. Right, Sensei?” He giggled at the silver haired man.
The Jonin just smiled and gestured at Naruto to follow him.
“Sensei! Wait! Where are you going? Not so fast!” Naruto laughed and ran after the Jonin.
*
Naruto left the tree line behind him and finally he felt the hard warm stone of the Hokage Mountain under his feet. They stood on the head of the Yondaime, and Naruto took a deep breath before he sat down next to Kakashi. The Jonin was quiet as usual but he smiled so tenderly at him that it made Naruto’s heart beat faster.
Naruto was silent and for a moment he just looked at the village before he decided to look at Kakashi’s handsome face. He could feel the Anbu close by but right now he didn’t care. There was so much pressure on his chest and so much pain in his heart that he needed to get out…
“You know, Kakashi-Sensei, I don’t know if you actually know… but I think you are so amazing. You are one of the most amazing people that I have ever met. You are so brave and strong and kind. You have so much courage. And you are so … handsome. Please don’t laugh at me. You know, I actually have a crush on you since, well since I was your Genin.” He stopped and fiddled with his finger on his lap. He couldn’t believe that now, after all this time he finally admitted his feelings. “I have loved you for so long. I actually never loved anyone else… “ He sniffed. “Just… Just you.” A broken sob escaped him. “I know that you can’t hear me… and that you will never answer me, because… because you are not here with me.” He lowered his head and buried his face in his hands. “But I just wanted to let you know that I will always… always love you, Kakashi-Sensei.” Big heavy tears were falling from his eyes. He couldn’t stop it anymore.
He knew that he had to let Kakashi go but it was the hardest thing he had to do. When he lifted his face, he could see the silhouette of the silver haired man in front of him. He had imagined how Kakashi would take a walk with him, how they would spend time together, how they would go on dates together, how they would go on missions together and how Kakashi would see him become Hokage one day. Maybe Tsunade had been right when she talked about his trauma and stuff like that… he just wanted to continue living in this dream where Kakashi was with him. When he was still in the hospital and Sakura tried to tell him that Kakashi hadn’t survived the attack, he simply fled into this other world, where Kakashi was still alive. But something must have happened in his mind, because after some time, he just ‘stayed’ there. He realized that he could hear Kakashi’s voice and see his face. When he left the hospital, he could clearly see Kakashi walk right next to him, and so he started talking to him. It was fine. He felt good. He fled into this make-believe world that he had constructed for himself that none of these horrible things had happened and that Kakashi had survived. He still had a chance. He still had a chance to tell him someday that he was in love with Kakashi.
Of course he knew that people started treating him differently. Gai-Sensei, Sakura-chan, Lee, Tsunade-baa-chan… Everyone looked at him that way… Like he was very ill. They touched him like he was made of glass.
He knew that he wasn’t alright.
When he lost Kakashi something inside his soul shattered.
The silhouette was slowly fading before his eyes, and he wrapped his arms around his own body. “Don’t leave me, Kakashi. Please.”
I will never leave you, Naruto.
Naruto stared at the soft shape of Kakashi’s body. “Ka- Kakashi?”
I was always with you. I always listened to your stories and to everything you told me.
“Everything?” Naruto whispered. “I … I didn’t imagine you there?”
No. I never wanted to leave you. You meant so much to me. So much.
Naruto could feel something touch his cheek. It was like something soft and warm was gently wiping away his tears. Naruto’s lips were trembling. “Please don’t… I can’t…”
I will watch over you… until we meet again. Maybe you can tell me those things again and I will give you an answer.
“Yes. I will find you, Kakashi. I promise.”
I know you will. Live. Be happy. And when your time comes, come and find me. I will be here for you… always.
“Always.” His whispered answer was taken away by the wind. Kakashi’s ghost faded to nothing and left Naruto sobbing on the Hokage mountain.
***