Chapter Text
Karkat: Ruin everything.
Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are seven sweeps of age. It is early in the dark season, the nights have been getting longer, and the moons’ cycles are nearing synchronization in their perigees. It is silent except for the whirring of your computer station and the ceaseless tapping of your fingernails upon the desk. You’re not sure where your dimwitted lusus is, and frankly you don’t really care. After you finish compiling this code you’ve been working on for weeks, you doubt you’ll ever need to worry about him again.
What you are doing is activating a ~.ATH file that is meant to make your lusus less of a fucking moron. Whether or not it will truly have that effect is yet to be seen; though you had some help from your friend Sollux, you didn’t send him the finished copy for him to double-check, so for all you know, you could be about to turn Crabdad into a rabid, thirty-story beast bent on destroying trollkind. Your projects tend to go that route, anyway.
Your eyes burn as you stare at the loading bar. It’s been growing at an agonizingly sluggish pace. How you’ve managed not to overturn the desk in a fit of impatience is a mystery even to you. You guess you’re just tired.
Some idiot starts trolling you. You keep the window minimized. You don’t feel like dealing with any idiots tonight. The file is nearly finished, anyway.
Your computer pings and the code flickers before you, no doubt carrying out your commands dutifully and without unpleasant side effects. You hear an exclamation of protest in the form of a particularly poignant SKREE! coming from downstairs. You grit your teeth and dash over to the entrance of your respiteblock. You hold out for some sign of a change in Crabdad’s behavior, but he remains silent. Holding your breath, you head downstairs to his usual spot, making sure to stay hidden for fear of the worst.
He isn’t even there. You relax and check all around the hive, but the shabby crab is nowhere to be found. Part of you wonders where he wandered off to. The other part of you doesn’t give a shit. You grasp your face in exasperation and groan. Wherever he is, he probably deserves what’s coming to him. He always does.
You return to your respiteblock and spend a few minutes doing nothing in particular besides flipping through the latest issue of Troll People Magazine. God, Troll Miranda Cosgrove is such a poser. She’d be completely unbearable if she didn’t star in that half-baked sitcom that you are teased for enjoying.
In a few minutes you are thinking about your lusus again. Really, you just want to see what that code did. Grumbling, you make your way to the front door and step outside, since, logically, that’s the only place he could be, unless he turned invisible or shrunk in size. You look around, but the only thing you notice is that one of the moons—the pink one—is full.
Suddenly you are enraged. Where the ever-living fuck did that reeking hunk of shell wander off to? What the hell was he thinking? You clench and unclench your fists like you aren’t sure what to do with your hands. Your teeth gnash and your muscles twitch in some unnatural display of fury. For a moment something like panic flashes in your mind as you realize that you aren’t really in control of your actions. Alarmed, you glance back up at the moon, as if it’s some sort of safety beacon that could save you from whatever was happening. Then everything goes dark.
Karkat: Wake up.
When you wake, you are lying flat on your back in the middle of your nourishblock, wearing nothing but some shredded strips of your shirt and some ratty shorts that you’re pretty sure used to be your pants. You come to your senses slowly, rubbing your eyes and attempting to sit up. Your head feels like it is swelling and imploding at the same time. Your bones ache and your muscles feel like they’ve been stretched to the limit. When you finally manage to gather yourself, you notice what a mess you’re in. The chillvessel door is all but ripped from its hinges. Warm roe cubes adorn the floor, some of them half-eaten, some of them crushed into the stony floor. Crabdad was here, alright. The question is, where have you been?
You somehow balance on your two wobbly legs and spot the rest of your shredded clothes scattered about the room near the entrance of your hive. Fuck, you think, what the hell happened here? If Crabdad really did have something to do with this, you swear to God, you will personally cull him with your own two hands. Or at least throw your sylladex at him. That shit is heavier than the flowing tears of an orphaned wriggler.
You eventually stumble over to your room and sit yourself back at your computer station. For some reason you think that now is as good a time as any to answer whoever was bothering you before. Maybe they have an idea about this whole issue. Or maybe they should just mind their own fucking business. Probably the latter, you decide. You open the window nonetheless.
-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TA: KK.
TA: hey.
TA: ii 2ee you there.
TA: oh come on KK ii know how two work the viiewport ii can 2ee you ju2t 2iittiing there.
TA: fiine just iignore me and leave iit2 not liike iim actually worth talkiing two a22hole.
TA: but when your 2tupiid program kiill2 everyone iin a 2 miile radiiu2 dont come crying two me.
-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
You decide not to consult Sollux on this matter. If he knew how badly you’d fucked up, you’d never hear the end of it. You are looking through you trollslum to pick out a victim when someone else pesters you.
[GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
GC: K4RK4T K4RK4T K4RK4T
GC: K4RK4T K4RKAT K4RK4T K4RK4T!
CG: WAIT.
CG: BEFORE ANOTHER UTTERANCE OF MY IDENTITY SHOOTS OUT OF YOUR SEEDFLAP LIKE A FLAMING HUNK OF PROJECTILE VOMIT
CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT AN ANGEL VISITED ME WHILE I WAS SCRAPING THE MOLD OFF MY THINKPAN.
CG: AND IN HIS TERRIBLE, UNHOLY MIGHT, HE INSTRUCTED ME TO DELIVER THIS MESSAGE TO YOU:
CG: I
CG: DON’T
CG: GIVE
CG: A
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUCK.
GC: K4RK4444444444T
CG: OH FOR THE LOVE FOR ALL THAT IS STEAMED AND DIPPED IN GRUBSAUCE, WHAT IS IT?
GC: SOM3TH1NG T3RR1BL3 H4S H4PP3N3D!
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW 1F 1T W4S TH3 WORK OF 4N 4SS4SS1N OR SOM3 R4R3 FOR3ST D1S3AS3
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 SUDD3NLY 4ND MYST3R1OUSLY GON3 COMPL3T3LY BL1ND!
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE TEREZI.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL? DO YOU THINK I’M THAT STUPID? A WRIGGLER WOULDN’T FALL FOR SUCH AN OBVIOUS PRANK.
GC: >:?
CG: HOW COULD YOU BE TROLLING ME RIGHT NOW IF YOU WERE BLIND? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
GC: BUT K4RK4T 1T 1S TRU3! 1 C4NNOT S33 4 TH1NG >:[
GC: BUT 3V3N THOUGH MY V1S1ON 1S GON3 1 C4N ST1LL G3T AROUND
GC: B3C4US3 1 C4N SM3LL TH1NGS!
CG: I LITERALLY CANNOT CONCEIVE THE BULLSHIT YOU ARE TRYING TO SHOVE DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE RIGHT NOW.
GC: TRUST M3 K4RK4T 1 COULD NOT B3L13V3 1T MYS3LF 4T F1RST!
GC: 1 W4S JUST CONF3RR1NG W1TH MY F3LLOW 1NV3ST1G4TORS WH3N SUDD3NLY 3V3RYTH1NG W3NT D4RK!
GC: ONLY 1T W4SNT R34LLY D4RK B3C4US3 1 COULD S33 W1TH MY NOS3 1F TH4T M4K3S S3NSE
CG: YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH SENSE THAT MAKES. IT’S ALL CLEAR TO ME NOW!
CG: IT IS CLEAR TO ME THAT YOU HAVE EITHER GONE COMPLETELY INSANE OR ARE JUST UNBELIEVABLY TERRIBLE AT PRACTICAL JOKES.
GC: SHOOSH YOU! >:[
GC: BUT TH3 STR4NG3ST P4RT OF TH1S WHOL3 PR3D1C4M3NT 1S TH4T 1 C4N SM3LL 4ND T4ST3 L1K3 TH1S 4S 1F 1 H4V3 B33N DO1NG 1T MY 3NT1R3 L1F3
CG: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE STILL GOING ON WITH THIS.
CG: I HAVE THOUROUGHLY CRUSHED THIS IDIOTIC RUSE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS AND YOU ARE STILL RAVING ABOUT IT LIKE A CHUMP.
GC: BLUH >:[
GC: F1N3 DONT B3L13V3 M3 BUT THAT 1SNT TH3 ONLY B4D TH1NG TH4T 1S H4PP3N1NG H3R3
GC: 1 H4V3 CONF3RR3D W1TH MY LOY4L T3AM OF 1NV3ST1GATORS 4ND TH3Y 4LL 4GR33 TH4T SOM3TH1NG FOUL 1S 4FOOT H3R3!
CG: I’M A LITTLE BUSY FOR YOUR JUVENILE PLUSH MURDER TRIALS RIGHT NOW.
CG: AND BY RIGHT NOW, I MEAN EVER. GET LOST.
GC: TH3Y 4R3 NOT JUV3N1L3! SOM3ON3 H4S TO BR1NG TH3M TO JUST1CE! 1 AM TH3 ONLY S3LF-C3RT1F13D L3G1SL4C3R4TOR FOR M1L3S
GC: B3S1D3S 1 W4S NOT R3F3RR1NG TO 4NY COURT R3L4T3D BUS1N3SS
GC: 1 TH1NK MY LUSUS M4Y B3 M1SS1NG
CG: WHAT? YOUR LUSUS IS A GIANT FUCKING EGG, HOW DOES THAT EVEN A THING THAT HAPPENS?
CG: IF THIS IS SOME MORE ROLEPLAYING SHIT THAT YOU JUST MADE UP OFF THE TOP OF YOUR GREASY, SALIVA-FILLED THINK PAN, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SUMMON SUCH A TORRENT OF BULGE-BURSTING RHETORIC THAT NO DRONE-FEARING TROLL WILL EVER EVEN FATHOM TO TACTFULLY FONDLE THEIRSELF AGAIN.
GC: K4RK4T TH4T 1S NO W4Y TO SP34K TO A L4DY!
GC: 4ND NO TH1S 1SNT SOM3 RUS3 TO G3T YOUR GO4TB34ST
GC: THOUGH 1F 1T W4S 1 WOULD S4Y TH4T 1 SUCC33D3D T3NFOLD >:]
CG: FUCK YOU.
GC: 4ND 4NYW4Y 1 KNOW TH4T MY LUSUS 1S GON3 B3C4US3 1 H34RD TH3 B4L4NC3 T1P
GC: 1T 1S NOW UTT3RLY UNB4L4NC3D!
GC: BUT STR4NG3LY 3NOUGH TH3 WORLD D1D NOT 3ND OR G1V3 4NY 1ND1C4T1ON OF 3ND1NG
GC: B3C4US3 TH4T 1S WH4T TH3 B4L4NC3 1S FOR BY TH3 W4Y
GC: K4RK4T?
GC: 1T 1S RUD3 TO 1GNOR3 P3OPL3 K4RK4T!
CG: SORRY, I WAS TRYING TO SIFT THROUGH ALL THE BULLSHIT THAT WAS SEEPING FROM MY KEYBOARD. YOU WERE SAYING?
GC: S11111111111GN
GC: F1N3 1F YOU ST1LL WONT B3L31V3 M3 JUST PL34S3 4NSW3R ON3 QU3ST1ON
GC: WH3R3 1S YOUR LUSUS NOW?
CG: I DON’T KNOW, WHO THE FUCK CARES. GOOD RIDDANCE I SAY.
GC: W41T YOU M34N H3 1S GON3? HMMMM HOW V3RY CUR1OUS! 4ND Y3T YOU R3FUS3 TO B3L13V3 TH4T MY LUSUS 1S GON3 4S W3LL
GC: YOU M1GHT W4NT TO G3T YOUR STORY STRA1GHT MR V4NT4S!
CG: I NEVER SAID HE WAS MISSING, IDIOT. I JUST HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN A FEW HOURS.
CG: AT LEAST I THINK IT’S BEEN HOURS. MY THINKPAN HAS BEEN ROTTING AS I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE SO FORGIVE ME IF I START FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND TWITCHING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME WITHOUT REALIZING IT.
GC: YOU KNOW WH4T 1 TH1NK TH4T 1 W1LL JUST GO OUTS1D3 4ND T4K3 4 SN4PSHOT OF TH3 CR1M3SC3N3 MYS3LF 1F YOU WONT B3L13V3 M3
GC: 1T W1LL B3 GOOD TO H4V3 WH3N 1 4M 1NV3ST1G4T1NG L4T3R 4NYW4Y
GC: B3 R1GHT B4CK
CG: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
CG: IN FACT, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA. I THINK I’LL GO BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE DESK WHILE I WAIT, SINCE OBVIOUSLY I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO LISTEN TO YOUR INANE GARBAGE.
CG: MAYBE I’LL SEE HOW FAST I GET A CONCUSSION. FOR SCIENCE OF COURSE.
CG: GOD FORBID I ACTUALLY HAVE A FUNCTIONING THINKPAN.
CG: …
CG: TEREZI?
CG: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
CG: JUST SEND ME THE FILE WHEN YOU GET IT, OKAY?
CG: I HAVE BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
You’ve had enough of her for one night. You shove all the nonsense about blindness and her lusus to the rear of your thinkpan and cross your arms, sighing loudly. You aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself now. You suppose you could clean up the mess in your nourishblock.
The roe cubes are room temperature by now. You sweep them up with a broom and dump them in the waste receptacle. It is all very boring and you almost regret leaving your computer station, but someone has to do it.
There are some cubes that the broom cannot reach, such as the ones that skittered under the chillvessel or the conflagration condenser. For these ones you must reach under the appliance and retrieve them. They are usually covered in filth, as neither you nor your lusus ever bother to clean under this junk. There is one that you grab, though, that is mysteriously clean. For some reason you weigh it in your hand, appraising it as if it is anything special. The substance rubs off on your fingers; it has a pasty, almost rubbery consistency. You wonder why Crabdad likes them so much. You tried them once a few sweeps ago, but they didn’t tickle your fancy. And by not tickling your fancy, you mean you promptly spat them out. But now… now, as you turn the cube in your hand, it just looks so appealing. You suppose just one bite couldn’t hurt. You split a small piece off with your fingers and pop it in your mouth.
Your eyes widen. This cube… this cube is possibly the greatest thing to ever slither across your gustation receptors and down your protein chute. The flavors seem to swim about your tongue and leave you feeling absolutely twitterpated, whatever the hell that means. How could you have ever hated this stuff? And more importantly, is there any left? You scour the chillvessel, but there is nothing but crumbs and smears left behind. Desperate, your attention wanders over to the waste receptacle. The discarded cubes couldn’t be too bad, could they…?
It only takes you a few moments to realize how stupid you are being. One taste of a roe cube that’s been lying on the ground for an unspecified amount of time, and you go batshit crazy. You snort, slam-dunk the rest of the cube into the waste receptacle, and stomp over to the nearest viewing portal and scowl out of it. You don’t see Crabdad anywhere, of course. Not that you bother looking very hard. Since you woke up from… whatever had happened to you, you hadn’t really been worried about him. Considering how much you avoid him, it doesn’t even really feel like he’s gone, just that he’s in some other room.
You shake yourself from your thoughts and head back to your respiteblock. It’s about time you got back to Sollux, and maybe check if Terezi ever returned.