Work Text:
It has always been like this.
I wonder what’s wrong with me ?
Is this normal?
Those were the things that constantly spiraled in Daichi’s head, and today is no exception. Since he was a kid, he knew something was different about him, but he just can’t put his fingers on why. Or rather, he don’t want to know what will happen if he founds out.
And today, as a second-year, he is still wondering about it.
“Morning Daichi! You’re up in class early as usual huh” the silver haired greeted the buff male as he entered the class. Daichi waved his hand and drag the chair next to him for Sugawara to sit. This was their usual routine: arrived at school early, chitchat until class starts, and then lunch with all the second years, class again, and then club. It’s a simple routine, no one would notice anything weird.
Sugawara then shuffles through his bag and pulls out a wrapped present. He then placed it on Daichi’s table, with excitement. Daichi asked, “What’s this?”. But it’s clear that Sugawara won’t answer as he just smiles and raised his shoulder. Sugawara proceeds to tell Daichi to open the present.
*tears the wrapping slowly*
“Isn’t this Sentimetal’s album? Oh shit and it’s the limited edition too! Where did you get this? I thought they were out of stock?”
Sugawara giggled.
“Hehe, a colleague of my cousin said they accidentally bought triple online, so he was offering them to my cousin, and my cousin offered it to me!”
“Thank you!! Is this really fine??”
“It’s fine! I can always borrow my cousin’s! And also…”
Daichi tilted his head
“Since I won’t be in Japan for New Years, I thought I’ll give your early birthday gift, since winter break is almost here. So, happy early birthday Daichi”
Oh, how wonderful that smile was.
His hair slightly blown by the morning wind.
His caramel eyes sparkled under the roof.
Everything about him makes Daichi feel very comforted.
Yet he doesn’t want to know why.
“—ichi! You’ve been out for a bit are you okay??” Sugawara waved his hand in front of the brown’s face. It took a bit for Daichi to realize he have been spacing out and after realizing this, in a wave of panic he apologizes to Sugawara. A few minutes later, both of them laughed off and continued on with their day.
*****
The coach blew two long whistle signing a 5 minute break.
The whole team immediately collapsed onto the side of the court. Some lies in pain and groans, some drinks, and some just… highkey pour water to their face. You could hear the usual Tanaka and Noya complains, along with the third years screaming, if it gets more chaotic and if the third years has given up, then Daichi will step in and gave them another long lecture.
They were having their usual chit chat, when the captain suddenly called out for Sugawara. “Sugawara! Someone wants to meet you!”, and you can see a long haired popped up.
Everyone in the gym starts making whistles and making short comments like “damnn” or “you playboy”. Well, not in a serious way. Sugawara knows this. He was going to be confessed at, and this is the third time this month.
Sugawara was a pretty popular kid. I mean, how could he not be? With that amazingly beautiful face, and an IQ of brilliant, along with his very soft nature, everyone adored him. There could be nobody who dares to hate him, let alone dislike him. Heck, even delinquents respected him. He was the crystal of the school. Thus, being popular carries its own pros and cons, for example, people will confess to you, like a lot.
And so it shouldn’t matter… right?
Yet, every time Daichi watched as the male walked away, he felt a sense of terror he can’t describe.
He can’t handle the thought of seeing Sugawara dating someone else. Something about seeing the silver haired boy with someone else hurt him. He thought, what if Sugawara let his guard down too much and he ended up getting hurt by his girl? What if he shuts Daichi out? What if they suddenly stopped talking? What if Sugawara suddenly cannot ask help to Daichi because he’s stuck in that relationship?
But he brushed it off and supported Sugawara nonetheless.
Just bros supporting his homies… right?
*****
They both are walking outside the school gate, and having their usual chitchat. Out of curiosity, Daichi asked about the girl that confessed to him a few hours ago.
…..
“EH? She’s the popular third year, right? Mitsuko-senpai?? Why did you reject her?? Isn’t that everyone’s dream to be with her?”
“Ahah… well-“Sugawara gave a long pause.
“I’m not that interested in her. Also, if she’s going to graduate soon, I don’t really see the point of being together.”
“Hmmm… I guess? I mean, if I were you, I guess I can see why.”
“Fufufu…. Besides..”
“?”
“My heart belongs to someone else”
….
Ah.
“I see… Who is this special someone? What class is she? How does she look like?? Is she Japanese?!?!”
Daichi pretended to over react, ignoring his true feelings.
“Hmm~ It’s a secret ♡”
*****
It’s been a few days since that conversation. Everything is perfectly normal outside, but Daichi has been more lost on the inside. It feels like everything is falling down, yet it refuses to. Now, he couldn’t look Sugawara in the eyes, and every time he’s near the caramel boy, Daichi cuts the conversation short. Every time Sugawara would ask about it, Daichi would merely brushed it off and move on with a new topic. Sugawara told himself, his friend might be just in a bad mood, but he knew something was off.
And back again to Daichi’s denial thoughts.
He felt hurt, but he’s telling himself he’s happy. He told himself “you just support him a lot, nothing more to it”, yet he will dare sacrifice his life for the angelic boy.
“My heart belongs to someone else” is stuck in my head. I can’t get over the thoughts that Sugawara has someone else in his heart, worse yet, it could be anyone. It could be a person from the other class, the kid who sits in front of the class, the person who is always greeting him every time they passed by each other, heck, it could be someone I don’t even know! If the day comes where Sugawara is together with another person. What will happen to—
“Daichi-san! Are you okay? You seemed… very tired” A girl beside him blurted out.
“Ah… sorry Yui. Does it look that bad?”
“It is… Are you really sure you could carry all those things? I can carry them myself you know-“
“Thanks for the concern, but I’m okay. Now, let’s just get this delivered and get the job finished, yes?”
Yui hesitantly nod and continues on delivering the stuff they need.
***
“Everyone, round up!”
The captain commands everyone to gather around. After a few minutes, the captain speaks up again, announcing that the coach will be absent for today’s practice since he has something to do. The first years erupted with joy, and goes on to do their own thing. The third years are lazing around, and while the second years and the captain decided they would have a bit more practice, they gave in and gather forces with the people who are lazing around.
After a few conversations, they all somehow arrived at the topic of dating.
As usual, the first person to get teased is the captain, who at the time, is dating someone. And everyone gets a rotation to be asked, until someone of the second years mention, “Who would you date if you were a girl”. And as expected, everyone is seeing from the “girl’s perspective” and choose Sugawara. Until someone asked Sugawara that question.
“Well, if I was a girl….”
“ I wouldn’t mind dating Daichi~”
Thump
Daichi felt his heart freeze at that moment. It was this weird feeling of happiness and satisfaction at the same time.
And in that moment, what he tried to avoided catches up to him.
I like boys,
Romantically.
He freezes in place. Not because he was disappointed or anything,
But he finally figured it out.
After that, the other just tries to shake Daichi back into reality, but doesn’t look like it was working, so they laughed it off and proceeded with the rest of the day.
The moment he arrived at his house, he flops down onto the bed, and stayed in that position for quite a long time, until he received a message.
>Hey, are you okay? Your face is really red back there, are you having a fever? You don’t have to come to school you know?
_sent by Sugawara, 18:32 19/12
He responded with,
>Don’t worry. I’m perfectly fine. I’m not having a fever. I will come to school tomorrow, since it’s the last day before holiday too so~
_sent by Daichi, 18:34
>I just think I’m_
He thought twice before finishing that message. At the end, he didn’t send it.
>Okay then, suit yourself. See you @ school!
_sent by Sugawara 18:35
*****
Everyone got into the school, had a small ceremony up until 1 PM, and then the students are free to stay until the school gates are closed, which is around 8 PM. Sugawara and Daichi hung around the class a bit longer. They had originally invited Asahi too, but he said he has other things to do, so here they are, left alone together.
They talked for a quite a long time. It all ranges from their usual morning chit chat, what they found on the net, and it slowly descends into something a bit deeper, and Daichi found out something he might like from Sugawara.
“Oh, btw, Daichi. Can you keep this a secret?”
“Hm? Whatever it is, I won’t tell anyone”
“Also, don’t… uhh laugh? Don’t judge me”
“It’s okay, just tell it already.”
Sugawara then takes in a long deep breath, and dropped the bomb.
“Daichi… I don’t think I’m straight”
There was a moment of silence in between them. The moment Sugawara said those words, Daichi felt like his world has just opened up, like a bird that’s finally freed from its cage. He felt… joy. Nothing less, nothing more. He starts to wonder into himself once again.
“S-sorry! It’s weird isn’t it? Haha I kno-“Sugawara was immediately cut down by Daichi, who stood up from his chair and screamed out “Th-that’s not weird at all!”, indeed a rare flushed Daichi in sight. The silver haired boy chuckles a bit before continuing what he wanted to say.
And thus, the day slowly come to an end, Daichi watching as Sugawara slowly departs from his stop, as Sugawara is going out of the country that same day. The boy wished a safe flight to his silver boy and proceeds to walk away.
*****
Daichi had accidentally fallen asleep on the night of New Year and passed through the fireworks. Thus, the moment he decided to walk to the shrine, his mother also asked him to bring along his two siblings, and as the responsible person he is, he followed his mother’s instruction.
As he passed through the streets, he keeps remembering the dream he had that night.
Passing through the blizzard, he walked along the Sugawara he always admired, patiently pushing through the snow. However, Sugawara walks further than the other male, leaving him in the snow. The hands that let’s go of the silver fairy reached out, but doesn’t seem to be getting closer anytime soon. But he stood there, his hands still waiting to be touched, while watching his beloved disappear into the distant snowstorm.
His mind further wander into the deep, thinking what it really means. Is it sad? Happy? Is it supposed to symbolize something good? He can’t put his mind anywhere. That dream was too vague, so typically he would just leave it alone, but his mind keeps hanging on.
***
Arriving at the shrine, the first thing they do is go up to the altar to pray, and to their luck, most people had just going back home and only plenty of people stayed there. Thus, they lined up and wait for their turn.
He give both of his siblings a 5 yen and told them to throw it in. After ringing the bell, all sibling clasped in unison and prayed. And kids being kids, the siblings said their prayers out loud, as guessed, both being silly, and they fought over it for a bit. Daichi had to shush them both to pray seriously before doing it himself.
…Dear god if you are really there, please let me solve what I’m feeling right now.
Before walking back, the sister dragged her brothers into taking the omikuji, and as the eldest, Daichi had gave up and let his sister do what she wants. The three took turns on shaking the box, and then took their own papers. Seeing his sibling jumping in joy, he let them talk amongst themselves and read his own paper.
…
( 末凶 )
…he slowly read the paper he had.
Definitely not something he wanted, so he silently tied his paper and walked back to his sibling, and comes back to his siblings hanging on to a flustered Asahi. Daichi just sighs and hushes them off Asahi.
“Oh, Happy New Year and happy birthday”
“Thanks Daichi”
“You both too, greet Asahi properly”
***
A few hours have passed since morning and it’s almost dinner time. Daichi on the PC, chatting with Sugawara through twitter PM. Sugawara shares his fireworks pic and a bunch of pics, and Daichi once in a while teases Sugawara for the pics.
A few minutes later, Daichi was scrolling through twitter when he sees a news by someone, stating there is an accusation of “gay rapist” in the area, and thus stating “be careful around gay people, they won’t hesitate to touch you”. He reads all the comments, some are defending gay people as a whole community, quoting, “Let them be, it’s not like all gay people will randomly touch you”, some are something along the lines of weird logic that doesn’t make sense, and some comments are too disgusting, he doesn’t dare to say it. However, Daichi himself never heard of the term “Gay”, as it was never mentioned in his environment, and never saw anything related to it. So, he asked Sugawara regarding to “Gay”.
>Suga, what’s gay?
>Wh- how did this come up ww
>I’m just asking, you can see the news ltr.
>Eh Daichi, u rly don’t know
what gay is?
>Please just answer me.
>Its boys liking boys.
> That’s it?
> ? There’s nothing more to it.
> Ah….
>Wait, don’t tell me you
also don’t know what LGBT is??
>Well… yeah no.
>…
>bruh.
And thus Sugawara teaches about the community to Daichi, unbeknownst to Daichi that his soon-friendship-to-be-ended friend was part of them. And Daichi, who had been in complete denial and confusion, finally found home.
Ahh… so this is what I am…
Somehow, I’m very happy.
I wonder if it’s okay to be like this…
>I see.
>Yep.
>Thnx for the info, lol. As expected
class’s top student! Lol
>Don’t say that ww
>Oh, having dinner. See you tom.
>(^ ^ )
Since there’s still a lot in his mind, Daichi, would usually just starts stretching and went to bed after dinner, still has too much energy filled up, so he stayed up a bit late to do a bit of research for himself.
LGBT_
*clicks enter*
…. It’s all western people.... Is there even Japanese….
LGBT Japan_
*enter*
“It’s all bad news…. Should I scroll more…?”
With further digging, he finally stumbled upon more places for him to feel okay. Certain places that’s LGBTQ+ tolerant, support organizations in the country, even certain public figures, all Daichi need to know that he’s okay being the way he is.
So I’m not alone after all….I am allowed to be like this…..
*****
Winter break passed and it’s about to be exam seasons. The cold air from the weather constantly distracting the students from focusing on lesson, thus having extra time off every lesson, thanks to the student’s constant protest.
Even with after school activities, the club only did a 20-minute endurance test and then they all curled up in a corner of the gym. And as expected, it’s all filled with the typical “the weather is too cold, how are we supposed to learn” complaints.
But of course, we can’t forget our beloved lady Kiyoko. For a brief moment, a few members are forcing her to go home, since they don’t want to make Kiyoko suffer through the cold, but she insisted she stayed, and a few people donated their jacket, including Sugawara, and the rest of the members who still had their jacket will share them with the other members.
Thus, the moment Sugawara came back to sit with the other Two Years, he snuggled up with the clueless Daichi, startling the brown-haired boy, before getting back to everyone’s conversation.
After a few hours, the captain called it a day even though everyone knew it’s just an excuse for him to go and be lovey-dovey with his girlfriend, but everyone agreed otherwise. Daichi, had plans alone to grab some things first since it’s been a while since his father let him wander out after school, ended up with an uninvited guest, and it just HAS to be Sugawara.
So, they walk around near the market center, looked at a certain stuff before settling down on a swing at a park with their warm drinks from the vending machine (they exist, apparently).
Both male proceeds to have their small talks, and slowly it became Daichi listening to Sugawara, telling different stories, plus Sugawara’s acting and exaggeration, makes Daichi laugh and he drowned himself in the beauty of the silver haired boy.
He stared at the tender figure, observing every bit of the male, from bottom to top. He imagined, the legs that would walk beside him for the longest time, the slim hands that he could hold through the cold, his warm smile that keep him warm, the silver hair that appears beautifully within the snow, and the pair of golden caramel eyes that shines brightly throughout the cloudy weather. The brown-haired male lost in his friend’s beauty so much he’s not listening to his friend anymore.
Sugawara then went silent after seeing his fellow put up a very soft look towards him, slowly realizing his friend had been in an “awed” state of mind. The shorter male moved a bit towards the other’s face, stared back at it for a second before calling out again. When Daichi came back to his senses, he immediately stepped back and was once again in his flustered state.
There was more silence, but they started talking again, this time revolving around Sugawara trying to get Daichi to spill what was in his mind. More or less, it kind of worked.
Daichi then brings back the topic of LGBT that he recently has been asking Sugawara to explain, as well as what he thinks about the whole situation, plus his feelings.
And he finally said it.
“Sugawara, I like boys and boys only. I don’t think I’ve ever been interested in a girl, ever.”
“Ah... then were on the same boat.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve said this before, but I’m not straight. I’ve liked girls before, but I can imagine myself more in a relationship with boys rather than girls, I’m not too sure, I’m still figuring out too”
“…. So were on the same boat?”
“You can say it like that, I guess”
And with this, they walked back home satisfied and with a light mood. Sugawara keeps giving out puns and joking about situations he hopes he’s in, along with Daichi being his usual dense self, keeps on laughing, not catching his friend’s cues.
A few minutes before they part ways, Sugawara brought up something that Daichi would not expect.
“Oh btw Daichi, remember when I said “my heart belongs to someone else?”
“Yeah? What about it?”
“That “someone else” was you.”
…eh?
Is the first thing that came up in his head. He felt his heart stopped for a moment and his soul fly onto the clouds. He can’t believe what he’s hearing right now.
“And you like me too, right?”
Daichi went completely off.
“W-WAIT HOW DID YOU-“
“It was obvious! Would someone look at their “friend” with a soft smile that looked like a maiden in love???”
“I- BUT-“
Sugawara then pulled off the power move.
He brought his face close to the taller’s, the two pair of eyes met for a moment, feeling each other’s breath over their soft lips. Daichi closed his eyes when instead he felt a cold gush of cold wind.
“Hehe, you were expecting a kiss, did you? Good luck with exams!”
And the silver hair runs off to his home.
“….you cheeky bastard”
And that’s how Daichi first experience sleep deprivation.
*****
The moment Sugawara opened the door, he covered his ears as the whole class chants in unison.
“SUGAWARA, PLEASE HELP US!”
Its day three of the exam, and everyone is sweating their palms out for learning. Sugawara, being the bright person he is, don’t really sweat too much effort, thus making him the prime prey for class notes before exams. As the kind soul he is, he helped the class rehearsed all materials.
However, being a trickster himself, he gave commands to the class to do practice themselves, even though he knew the class would just run around clueless, everyone trusted him so he used that chance to grab some time together with Daichi. Well, watching Daichi, to be exact.
“Soo, how is the world’s most diligent boy is doing?” Sugawara walks up to Daichi, breaking the younger’s focus. Daichi laughed it off and proceeded to tease Sugawara with his amazing acting in front of the class. Sugawara was counting down until the teacher gets into the class, as the class panics and Daichi… well, being Daichi. The brown-haired male tidies his books and prepared everything he needed. Sugawara gave him a wink and left Daichi to boil on his seat.
“Get rid of any books and papers from your table, I hope you prepare your test well.” The teacher announces as he spread the paper sheet.
“People who needs to retake the test, it would be on Next week’s Sunday. Until then, good luck students.”
*****
_March 17, New Academic Year holiday
“Ouch!”
Daichi flinched at the act of his boyfriend stretching the brown-haired male, his neck hurt after constant hours of looking down on his phone 11 PM because *someone* made him… Not so much of a normal thing for a diligent kid like him. Sugawara laughed and continue to “stretch” Daichi and then proceeded to lean forward until their eyes met, giving the younger’s menacing stare.
“You got hurt by that? How will you handle m-“
“I will make SURE you’ll take back your words, Koushi.”
“HAHA, make me”
The couple gave each other a short intense stare before giggling, knowing they cringed at what they said. Daichi played with Sugawara’s hair, swirling and curling it to all possible angles, and the silver cupping the other’s face. They sink in for a moment, appreciating the silence that they have been blessed with.
“Were actually together huh…” silver haired boy decided to break the silence. Not giving another attempt to make the younger talk, they fell back to their comfortable silence. Starring into each other eyes, observing every emotion they feel, and Daichi lowered his eyelids, hiding his concerns.
“What will you think will happen after this?”
“Eh?”
“Were both boys… you know. That’s not the norm here.”
“Well yeah, that is true.”
“What will we do then? If people found out about us, they will make sure to “fix” us. We’ll have to stay quiet about our relationship. We will probably need to move somewhere outside of Japan. What will happen to our families? How will our old life be like? Would we—”
“Daichi.”
Sugawara slapped his brown-haired boyfriend back into reality. He understands what the other feels, how could it not be, this was pretty much their concern, and everyone within the community can understand.
“It’s okay.” The caramel-eyed boy reassured.
“Enjoy what we have for now. I’m sure we can figure things out” He continued his sentence with,
“Remember, it’s okay to love who you love. If a certain place restricts you to do so, it doesn’t mean you can just turn “normal”, won’t it? So why try and worry about your identity? Be yourself”
Sugawara swipes his hand over the buff male’s forehead and gently rests his lips. The reassured Daichi ruffles the other’s cotton hair before getting up from the bed which both males slept on together last night, sweet kisses filled the air once more and Daichi walked over to his table.
“It’s 9 AM now, get up. We don’t want to starve until it’s midday, don’t we?”
*****
_June 3, Summer
After Daichi became an official captain, and the arrival of the amazing 1st year duo, things turn amazing for the couple. Sugawara’s mental was pretty below the line when Takeda-sensei announced that Kageyama will become the team’s official setter, a lot of arguments happened between Sugawara and Daichi, but they figured it out pulled through. It has been a good year for the both of them.
As third years, they’re allowed to stay in the school a bit longer than the other graders with the rules of not staying past 7 PM. The two males maximize this chance for their us-time together at school, marinated themselves in the honey of the present, waiting for the flow of time to pass by and drag them along. They got themselves some interesting story to tell.
“Move a bit to the left, would you?”
“No, YOU move a bit to the right, you thick ass”
“EXCUSE YOU, damn right I’m thick”
“Hey, that’s not how you’re supposed to answer to it”
“When someone teases you for it, it means it’s your best quality”
“Dang it”
And like that, it’s how they spend their time together. Occasionally they’ll play on the gym, or they’ll just run around the class. Sometimes, they’ll sit in the swimming pool because it’s hot in the summer. Or, their favorite alternative, they’ll chill in the small bench behind the track field with Asahi because *someone* don’t understand how to say no together people that caused them to lose their usual spot.
***
“Oh frick, I left my other shirt at the gym, be right back!”
And just like that, Daichi went off and left Sugawara in the care of Asahi. Between a good move or a bad move, the already curios Asahi cut off Sugawara’s “complaint” and ask around the question.
“Oh btw Sugawara”
“Yes?”
“Did you hear the school rumor?”
“Which rumor? There’s a lot”
“That one, you know, The third-year rumor?”
“Uhh which one?”
“Apparently someone is gay in our class”
“Oh really? That’s great to hear”
“Is it?”
“Well yes, to know there is someone else who liked boys other than me and Daichi.”
“….”
“….”
“….shit.”
Sugawara had accidentally come out to Asahi. Well, not like the tall guy just knew, but he confirmed his suspicion. In fact, Asahi and the whole volleyball club had suspected it, heck, Kageyama and Hinata even made it into a bet. And thus, the moment Sugawara received this information, he freaked out.
“Wait, you ALL knew??”
“…. Did you not realize how obvious it was to us?”
“Oh god, what about the rest of the school?”
“Who knows. I mean, idk, I guess in class you acted normally idk I’m not in your class, how should I know?”
…..
“Hey sorry for waiti…. What happened to Suga?”
“Great timing Daichi. For the sake of the club, answer this”
“I-what?”
“Are you and Sugawara dating”
“Ko- Sugawara. Did you tell him something?”
And just like that the couple revealed their secret to their best officiant.
Both males decided to (finally) announce it to the team, and the gym is filled with booming cheers and whistles. Some screaming “OMG finally”, “Congrats you two”, “Ha! I told you so”, and so on.
“So yes, guys, we are dating”
“But please keep this a secret, we don’t know how others will react”
*****
Bathing with the sunset sky over the classroom window, none shouldn’t’ve known the souls celebrating existence, soft touches brushing the skin of the soft, consuming time to its best.
It’s been quite some time since both boys been dating, and went onto a new height in exploration and discovering oneself, knowing school is one of the safest places to hide away from society, constantly in fear of being hunted down. Turning this limited time in their life to live life easier.
This day was no different, it was part of their routine; on Fridays where clubs are closed earlier, they came to rest and enjoy the presence of secure in their classroom. The trickster sat down right on top of the table, while the captain carefully tugs his arm around the high prince. Slight nudging and teasing, they dive into what the other’s day has been, sometimes exchanging a short cheesy pick-up line. Most of the time, they’ll just sit and be, comfortable with each other. Or at given times, one of the both will get into a soft mood.
“Daichi..”
“yeah?”
“I wonder if you’re ever tired of being with me”
“I wonder what you mean by that?”
“Well, you see…”
“Idk, I know I do some things wrong sometimes, and I probably annoyed you so many times, probably also put you in so much dire situations where we almost get caught yet you’re always sucking it up for me. I just wonder how you never thought of leaving me.”
“Look into my eyes, Koushi.”
He slowly holds the cheeks of the boy across him and leans closer.
“I love for the reasons I know. I might not know “you” fully because you keep secrets about things you don’t want to tell me, and it’s okay, but doesn’t mean that I’ll leave you alone. You’ve been through a lot with me, and you put up with it, and I wouldn’t ask for anything more.”
“Ahh…”
“I’ll say it as many times as you want. I love you. That fact alone won’t change how I view you. I’m not going leave you alone… unless you want me to that is.”
“no.. please stay here…”
***
The bell rings, signing the closing of the school gate. After a few more minutes of embracing, both men got up and pack their things. And as usual, did their small part way kiss and walk to their perspective ways. And things stayed that way for quite a long time.
Or at least, was supposed to.
*****
“Good morning everyone~”
Daichi greeted the class as usual, except something is different. Every student in the class glances a quick bit at the petite figure and then turning back to what they were working on. Some would mutter a quiet “good morning”, but that was just a minority of them.
He approached his seat, and noticed a letter hidden under his table. Just as he picked it up, he realized another thing.
Koushi isn’t here yet.
Oh, is he sick again? The brown hair wonders. I should message him once we got home.
And just as he thought that, the school bell rings, melodies accompanying the beginning of a new day to start. Heads off first to the homeroom. Nothing usual, until…
“Sawamura, the principal wants to meet you at 9”
The man, shood in shock, nothing to say, nods quietly and began preparing his stuff. He looked around his classroom, he knew something about him just got leaked. And unfortunately, he expected the worst.
Arriving at the principal’s office, another figure has also stayed in there for a quite long time. That figure was none other than his dear lover, Koushi. Upon entering the room, the principal immediately sits down Sugawara at the opposite seat. After a few minutes of silence, the old man played a video that someone took when the two was spending their time together in the classroom, on that one specific day. One that is full of embraces and kisses.
“Do you know who is in this video?” slowly raising his voice, threatening both of their places as students.
“Do you know who’s in here? You see what these two boys are doing?” once again, raising his voice even more and giving everyone the sharp glare.
“I understand as teenagers you want to experiment and all that stuff, but this is school. You are not supposed to do that. Even more than that, you guys are not normal! DO you realize how wrong that is?! You have gone TOO far.”
“I’m giving a week of suspension for both of you. Go home back now, you both are dismissed. But I’ll have to talk to your parents about this tomorrow.”
Going back to the class, the brown-haired male refused to talk. The way back was a quiet one, and not the typical type of quiet you usually have, rather an uncomfortable one. Once in a bit you can hear one of them mutter a “I’m sorry”, but no weight to it. Right before they reached their class, Sugawara decided to confront him, a certain thing that one has been on his mind and probably never took of; “why did you write me a letter?”
After standing for a few minutes, Sugawara said;
“This might be where our fate separates us. Let’s meet again in the future”
*****
Nowhere…
Nowhere….
He’s nowhere to be found…
He’s not answering me…
His mind was a mess. In a blink of an eye, the life he was supposed to enjoy with his boyfriend just crumbled like that. Sugawara had been sent to a “religious” school outside of japan to “straighten” him again. And the agony of living the other have to experience had only just begun.
Daichi had to face his parents, who were not the most forgiving. They had to sat him down across the table and made their eldest explain everything. But he has nothing to explain. What is there to explain about liking other people when you barely knew anything about yourself…?
The days to come brought more despair to those affected the most. Everyone noticed, and the whole school was aware, but none did anything. If anything, they are the reason despair continues to enrage the school grounds.
Daichi managed to keep his grades up, but at the cost of missing everything else. Suddenly everyone is hesitant to ask the boy for help, his shoe is constantly filled with pushpins, and the classroom mood is always dark when Daichi is around, neither his home feels safe anymore; he has nowhere to turn, nowhere to run. When given the chance, the volleyball team tries to cheer him up, maybe make new plans with him so that he would be distracted. But how would he be when he’s not even present in the club, right?
He thought he would get over the issue as fast as he becomes used to it. He genuinely thought he could numb himself down. But that never happened, and he saw himself engulfed by the mysteries of the dark on the bottom of the abyss, never to touch any light again, for a long time. No one bothered to think the situation is hurting him, and neither the intelligent man tries to deny the sharp actions of others.
Ahh, I’ve caught myself in a trap.
Is there any future for me?
…haha
There was never one from the beginning, is there?
For the remaining of the year, this became the routine for Daichi. He would come to school close to the bell ringing, studied, either lunch with Asahi and Michimiya or he skips lunch and blanks out in the toilet, studied last period, went home, and sleep. He could turn to the internet for help and validation, but he knew he needed to go past through the pain of the media cursing the kins’ existence, one that will make sure you nail down to the society.
***
The rare times Daichi actually tune in with the volleyball club is when Coach Ukai wanted to ask the team to help out in the store after school. This was one of his last straws keeping him conscious with the present. It’s like a small comforter for him, with the people that tolerated him, and away from the battle field. Yet, he knew it’s only about time before he decides what to do next. At the end of the day, his head is in a faraway land, in a utopia he never knew he could imagine. And everytime the session is done, Ukai gave the boy a free chocolate bar. Well, it sound silly, but it’s ‘the deeds that matter’, as people would call it.
“Daichi, take it”
“…What for coach? I don’t really plan on buying it?”
“TV says if you eat chocolate makes your mood better. If that’s not true, it’ll at least flavors your taste buds”
Sometimes, a few classmates and passing teachers gave him a quick greeting, some told him about the canteen menu for the day. Not that he will eat, but he appreciates the heads up in the bare minimum. The situation hurts more people that the school thinks. It’s not only hurting Daichi, but everyone else who knew him close. Especially Michimiya, whom had feelings for the tall man before the whole incident.
“Just to let you know, I’ll always be on your side, alright?”
He gave her an empty nod.
“About the video… it was one of the members of the girls’ volleyball team”
Daichi, who had kept his gaze down to the floor, looked straight in her eye.
“P-please understand that none of us in the girls’ volleyball team resents you… its just that…”
They stopped walking midway.
“That day… I was going to confess to you. The team had cheered me, but unfortunately there was emergencies at home, so I wrote a letter and told one of my friends to put in under your desk. Well… that clearly didn’t go as planned…”
His heart dropped. Something in his heart had shattered into smaller pieces. Something he didn’t knew could break even more.
The voices are breaking free.
“I’m sorry, I probably should’ve stopped her, I share my faults, please forgi—”
“Go home, Michimiya.”
“I—”
“Go. Home.”
With heavy heart, they both separate both ways.
He’d broke down as soon as he touched his bed.
He felt guilty for everything that’s have happened. To even things that have little correlation with him.
He feels guilty for disappointing his parents. He feels guilty for his obliviousness towards Michimiya’s feelings. He feels so guilty for being selfish and only thinking for himself.
For liking guys.
For being gay.
For ruining his own life.
For ruining everyone’s life.
For putting Sugawara into danger.
For Sugawara.
For him, the reality rebuilds his own bottle of feelings that just overflowed, only to be smashed again, over and over. It feels like there was no end to it, but there was no other path that could’ve give him some room to breathe. To him, this was the end. His head was full of voices, one that never learned how to shuts up.
And by far, gone way too long, he had graduated high school. He doen not want to think about the class he was in, and the people he left behind. For him, it doesn’t matter anymore.
*****
His way back up was harsh and painful.
No one was there to shook him and pat his back.
He had to do everything by himself.
This, resulted in him doing a lot of stuff that he regretted for the life to come.
He didn’t want to be the stereotype. He tried so hard, and he did his best. But even his best wasn’t enough. His plans to recovery were always short lived, with him either falling back down into his unhealthy habits, or constantly hurting himself by sleeping with other guys, even though he knew he disliked it too much.
But slowly, that became the past. The past becomes his history. After the long drought and hurricanes, he builds himself up. It took way too long for him to accept himself again, but he wasn’t going to let anyone hinder him anymore. He’s just past his thirties, and he had finally settled himself down to a peaceful life. His parents haven’t really accepted him, but they learn to “tolerate” him after his younger siblings defended him for years. It was a cloudy day outside, but that has long left it’s meaning for bringing bad luck, for Daichi, it was his comfort, his reminder that he had went past through a lot, and yet he is still here. He’s living in Tokyo right now, he helps other people open up their eyes about the realities of perseverance and it’s unfortunates. His mind feels slightly heavy, and he went on a quick train stroll.
But there he saw.
The man who was once his love of life, the guy whose life he allegedly destroyed for his stupid teenage wishes.
He felt the pain on his chest, he wanted to reach out, he wanted to hug him and tell how much he’s missing.
He wanted to reconnect again.
But as he walked up to the beautiful figure, a child had run towards him. Cradling her in his arms, a woman goes up and gives pecks on the man’s cheeks. And Daichi thought to himself,
“Ah… I’m too late”
Feeling the crushing soul burns into dust, he stood there in the verge of tears, rethinking everything he had done up to this point. At the end, I will never be able to find true happiness, nor will I ever make up for the damage I had done to everyone, he thought to himself.
Just as he was about to fall back into the broken state again, the man who once breathed colors into his life was there in front of him, facing eye to eye.
“Are you Sawamura Daichi from the Three Flag Company?”
Once he snapped back into reality, he saw what those pair of caramel eyes cried out. He had never once forgot him, nor he ever think anything of him besides what both of them already know. There was only one man in their heart, and everyone would know the answer.
“Yes, I am indeed, Mr. Sugawara. If you need anything, I’ll give you my name card”
*
*
*
“Daichi-san, there’s a package for you. It looked like the person dropping this off knew you personally, so I thought not to keep it at the front desk”
“Thank you, just put it on my desk, I am heading home now. You should too go back soon, it’s getting dark outside”
He knew where the package came from, but he would never guess what was inside of it. Once he got home, he was greeted with tons of letters, all ranging from slightly burned ones, the papers you could tell had been soaked in water, and a lot more. But despite all that, he read all of them one by one. It was all the unsent letters Sugawara wrote when he was in the so called “boarding” school. There was letters that told him how he misses home a lot, how he was treated, and a few silly things that cheered him up.
But there was one letter that caught him. An envelope with a seal on the bottom of the box, and he carefully opened it.
“Dear Sawamura Daichi,
After you read all of the letters I sent you, I hope you will forgive me for what I will do. My apologies if some of the things I’m about to write sounds off, I’ve never really had my way with literature, haha.
As you can tell, I went a lot, and I bet you did too. We both had forcefully ended up in two different paths, never to cross every again. After I was out of the boarding school, I had been set up to marry the woman you saw earlier. At this point, I couldn’t resist, as I don’t have any support from anyone, and thus I grew a family. I got to experience how it feels like to become a part of the “normal” society. I’m thankful my wife has been really understanding of my conditions, but we make sure to communicate well, and as you can see, I am very much in love with my wife and child.
However, I really wished this has never happened. Please know that I have forgiven you for a long time, you don’t have to blame yourself for being gay. And I’m happy that you have found some peace within yourself. I really wished we had talk more after our encounter last time. I want you to be happy, so please, feel free to find someone out there who’d accept you, prove to the world that a family doesn’t have to look a certain way.
Just let you know, the times we share together was amazing, you were almost my first in everything. I will forever love you no matter who I am with. You will always have a special place in my heart, and none can ever change that. My heart will always long for your embrace, ones that I know will care for this fragile figure of a man. But what has happened already happened, and we should move forward. The least we can do is make a place where other people don’t have to suffer the same fate as us.
For us who was once connected by the string of fate, forever cut for the third end.
Forever in your heart,
Sugawara Koushi. “
FIN.
----------------