Chapter Text
Silver moonlight fell through the open window and the light curtains danced on the cool evening breeze as Levi stepped into Erwin's office. A candle stood on the desk, desperately fighting the breeze to do its job.
Countless times Levi had entered this place, but something felt different and his heartbeat faster. Something always felt different here at night, but this time even more so. Perhaps because the desire he had been carrying in his heart for some time now was materialising more and more under the starlight. Levi wanted, longed for more, but he had learned never to give in to this urge and to be content with what he had.
A candle burned on the desk and fought desperately against the evening breeze that came in through the open window to dance with the curtains. And there he sat: Erwin Smith, the new Commander of the Survey Corps, like a statue. Although it was already the middle of the night, he was still working with the same motivation as he did in the early hours of the morning. Erwin's will would not allow him to do otherwise.
For a moment, Levi allowed himself to pause and take in the beautiful image. The blonde hair shimmered like liquid gold in the candlelight. Long lashes that seemed to rest on the high cheekbones, while the sea-blue eyes flew over the paper. Levi could literally see how the gears in this intelligent mind seemed to run hot.
Levi's gaze wandered over the face, which seemed to be carved out of marble with sharp cheekbones and jaw, down to the broad shoulders that were only vaguely visible under the white shirt.
Levi had often felt the shoulder blades against the back of his head when they had fought back-to-back, and he knew the strength they contained. The muscular arms that fought to free humanity and Levi secretly wondered what it felt like to be embraced by them. Would he feel safe? Protected? Would he finally find what he had longed for all these years?
Then there was the well-trained upper body with the strong chest that rose and fell gently with every breath and which Levi wished he could rest his head on for once.
Levi's heart leapt. Erwin was beautiful even if he was not aware of it himself, an epitome of strength and determination, and for Levi there was a certain grace and elegance in that. Not that Levi liked thinking that way about the squad leader. Something deep inside of him told him he wasn’t allowed to think of Erwin like that. His heart and mind were in constant war against each other like a raging tornado and that was why he had avoided him.
“Levi.” Erwin blinked and looked up when he finally noticed him. For the flicker of a second there was surprise mirroring on his face, but then it softened. A small smile played along his lips as he rested his head on his folded hands and he looked at him with these mesmerizing blue eyes. “What can I do for you?”
And suddenly Levi was at loss for words even though he had thought about many excuses on his way to this room- after he had laid awake in his night quarter, wagering if he should come here at all. But the attraction that rested within Erwin Smith and that pulled him in like a magnet, was too strong to resist.
He ran his tongue along his lips and looked back into the corridor as if a reason would magically appear, but it didn’t. It only stayed dark. With a sigh, Levi turned back around and was met with shining blue eyes still looking at him, waiting patiently. Those eyes…they always pulled Levi in even when he hadn’t wanted it. All those different shades of the blue. It was exactly how Levi expected the ocean to look like.
For a moment longer Levi tried to find an excuse, but then gave up with a sigh. Since Furlan and Isabel had died, Erwin had been kind to him, and had looked after him. He had stood by him and put up with all the reproaches Levi had thrown at him. Now, as Levi thought about it in the quiet of the night, he concluded that this was probably why he had been so resentful to begin with. He hadn't known how to deal with this kindness, but after a while Levi had to admit how capable Erwin was. How intelligent, clever, determined, pursuing his goal without doubting or questioning. Only at night did the commander's mask seem to be put down, resting for a while.
This softer side of Erwin, enlightened by the serene light of the full moon standing in his back, was almost ethereal. The hard contours of his face of determination were softened and the smile on his lips made him look so much younger. Like a person who should not have joined the military, let alone fill the role of a commander, and yet Erwin did it better than anyone else. It spoke for great inner strength that he was able to reconcile these two different personalities and worlds of thought without breaking.
“Are you still working?” Levi tilted his head and took the final step to enter the room. Erwin looked down to his documents and his smile became smaller, before he sighed and looked back up.
“Apparently.”
“Shouldn’t you take a rest?” Levi asked, sounding more concerned than he had intended to. Because he was. Erwin always walked so hard. Levi had never seen him resting. He was always the first to get up and was still awake when everyone else had retired to their night quarters. Erwin expected complete dedication from his soldiers, but he had even higher standards for himself. He led by example and that was something Levi could respect.
“I should probably.” Erwin leaned back with a sigh and rubbed his thick eyebrows with the palms of his hands. “My eyes hurt.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“I…” Erwin opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it, frowning. “I don’t know.”
“Well, it settles it, then.” Determined, Levi sat down on the table next to him and demonstratively closed the file. “And don’t you dare to protest.”
He did not notice how close he suddenly was to Erwin until he felt his warm breath and his heavy, strong scent filled his nose. Levi’s heart began to race, and he felt how his traitorous blood began to colour his cheek.
“I would never.” Erwin chuckled softly, such a melodious sound that seemed to resonate inside Levi’s bones. His gaze lingered on the file for a moment, but then he pushed it away and looked back up through his long lashes. “Thank you, Levi.”
That was music to Levi’s ears even though he hated to admit it, but that deep voice just sent shivers down his spine.
“Why are you still awake?” Erwin blinked and it looked like he was hardly suppressing a yawn.
Because I wanted to look after you.
Because I hoped for a moment alone with you.
Levi said none of those of course. He couldn’t even admit them to himself.
“I just couldn’t sleep.” Levi shrugged, his fingers drumming against the wood.
“That makes the two of us,” Erwin said and smiled gently. He leaned back in his chair, more relaxed this time and looked at Levi, whose throat became dry. He felt nervous, suddenly. He had never been good in situations like this and now he didn’t know what to talk about. Uneasily, he wrung his hands, hoping that Erwin wouldn’t see. God, what had he been thinking?
“Didn’t you want to be alone?” Erwin asked with a thoughtful gaze and Levi almost shrieked, but he was able to transform it into a deathly glare.
“No,” he snarled and scrunched up his nose.
“It’s been a year today.” Erwin’s voice was calm, but the words poured themselves like ice-cold water into his blood.
“You remember.”
“I remember them all.” Erwin lowered his head, staring at his hands and Levi noticed how his fingers twitched. “I’m sorry that Furlan and Isabel died. You must miss them.”
Levi sighed and nodded solemnly.
“Everyday.”
“I understand.” Levi believed him. The pain of loss was obvious and heavy in his voice. Then silence fell between them again and it almost seemed as if they were both observing a minute's silence for their fallen comrades.
“Erwin?”
“Yes?” Erwin looked up and Levi hesitated. Then he took a deep breath and jumped over his shadow.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his head turned away and his cheeks felt warm. “I didn’t treat you well. I blamed you for something that wasn’t your fault.”
“Levi.” It was nothing more than a breathy whisper. Slowly, he turned his head back, his heart pounding in his ears and Erwin’s gaze took his breath away. The mesmerizing blue eyes were widened, his blond hair tousled from hours of work and his mouth slightly agape, but then a bright smile of which the sun would be envious, basked its way over his face, and then turned tender. “There was no need. I understand why you felt that way, but it’s appreciated.”
Levi couldn’t tell why, but it made him slightly embarrassed, and yet something in that quiet atmosphere made him feel comfortable. Or was it something about Erwin?
But now that he had started to open, to trust, he had to admit it felt good . So, why not be foolish once?
“You were right,” he murmured, his arms crossed and his heels slightly hitting against the table leg.
“About what?”
“That I didn’t want to be alone tonight.” Erwin pushed his chair away to have a better look at him. As a matter of course, he reached for his hand and squeezed it comfortingly, but it was too much. Levi flinched and tore his hand out of the grab and suddenly it was cold again.
“I’m sorry,” the taller man said calmly. “It wasn’t my intention to startle you. I just thought you might need some comfort.”
He wasn’t wrong. It had felt pleasant. Comforting. Levi looked back up and there rested so much sympathy in Erwin’s eyes.
He sighed and folded his hands, not knowing how to ease the tension and it seemed like Erwin had no intention to do it. Likely because he didn’t want to push Levi, to keep it his pace.
“Would you like a cup of tea,” Levi then finally offered when he had no other idea.
“I’d love to.” Erwin smiled and Levi nodded. With that he pushed himself away from the desk and walked over to the door, leaving the room without waiting for Erwin, but soon he heard the dull sound of his wide steps behind him. It was strange how he was already able to recognise them. Even in the messy dining halls during dinner, he was able to notice them. Maybe because he had seen him as an enemy once, but now…
Levi shook his head and was glad that Erwin hadn’t caught up with him yet.
There was a lovely quietness in the kitchen as soon as they reached it and the tall room was covered in darkness. Levi spent a lot of time here after everyone had gone to sleep and his insomnia kept him awake. He had time to order his thoughts, assessing how much his life had changed in the past year, while finally being able to drink a cup of his favourite tea.
Erwin walked past him and lit the candles, while Levi took out a little bag with rare, high-quality tea leaves he had been able to gather a while back, not even slightly irritated that he had no problem sharing them with Erwin. He kind of had a feeling that Erwin would know to appreciate it.
A few minutes later the water was boiling, and the tea brewed in a can. A faint, light scent began to fill the air, one that Levi loved and that had filled the many dark hours in the Underworld with something beautiful. It had been Levi’s anchor, his hope in a way.
What surprised Levi, however, was that Erwin knew something about making tea. Every move was made with a naturalness that Levi usually only knew from himself, and he had to admit he enjoyed how well they worked together, how blindly they understood each other, even in such trivial aspects. They didn’t speak a word, there was no need to, and it was an atmosphere that made Levi relax, even casted a little smile onto his lips.
He found Erwin's presence pleasant beside their common history. Erwin was a person who could endure silence, didn’t feel the urge to fill it and that was something they had in common. Something over which they could connect. Through the circumstances of getting to know each other they had seen behind the mask, knew a side that most of their comrades didn’t.
On the way back to Erwin's room, they walked closer together than on the way there. Erwin’s arm almost brushed against his, but Levi didn't even notice.
A short time later, they had made themselves comfortable on the couch in Erwin's room and were sipping the warm tea. Levi knew that Erwin wondered about the strange way he held the cup, but at least he didn't show it and Levi didn't care.
While they drank the tea like this, Levi could not take his eyes off Erwin. He didn't know what it was that captured his gaze or why it fascinated him so much. Levi wanted to know more about Erwin, and that irritated him.
“Erwin, can I ask you something?”
“Yes, of course. What would you like to know?”
“A while ago, when you collapsed during work and I took care of you, you told me that you joined the Survey Corps to atone. What did you mean with that?” Erwin startled, barely noticeable, but enough for Levi to see, but he gained his composure back quickly.
“I see.” He sighed and lowered his head, staring at his folded hands, before he looked back up. “Is that the price for your trust?”
“Well, you involuntarily know a lot about me, but I know nothing about you…” Levi shrugged and waited for Erwin to make his decision. One that appeared to not be easy as the commander mused about it for quite some moments, which was unusually long for him. Then, he sighed again, and a sadness began to cover his eyes like clouds rising over the sea, announcing a storm.
“It’s not like I’m actively keeping it a secret,” he suddenly murmured, his voice far away. “It’s just nothing I like to talk about. It’s painful, but I guess you’re right. I know a lot about you, and you know nothing of me. I can’t expect you to trust me blindly.”
Levi blinked, surprised, and just now he realised he had said it to anger Erwin, to push him to somewhere unpleasant so that he would stop coming nearer. Before he forgot how all of this began…
“Unlike you, I had a good life,” Erwin began, and it was easy to hear how hard it was for him to talk about it and that he likely hadn’t for a very long time. “My father raised me alone, as my mother had died during my birth, but he made every effort to ensure that I never lacked anything. He was a history teacher and we lived in a small house. I grew up happy and sheltered.”
Levi listened quietly and attentively. There was a heaviness in Erwin’s voice that he hadn’t heard before and Levi noticed how he clenched his hand into his trousers, indicating that this story was heading for tragedy. That was just how life was in this twisted world. As much as Levi hated it, it kind of made him glad that it wasn’t much different on the surface, too.
“What happened then?” he asked. “That doesn’t sound like a life that would lead to joining the military.”
Erwin stayed quiet for a moment and stared out of the window, his other arm resting on the back of the couch as he watched the pale light of the moon.
“No, it doesn’t,” he then whispered full of sadness and folded his hands. “I sometimes wondered how my life might have turned out, if…”
“If?” Levi slid closer, curiosity tickling inside of him and unknowingly held his breath though he sensed how hard it was for Erwin to talk about it. It was not like him to speak haltingly.
“If I hadn't been so naive and thus responsible for the death of my father.” And there it was. The truth and answer Levi had been searching for so long and the words hung heavy in the narrow space between them. Many questions ran through Levi's mind, questions he wanted to ask, but there was so much pain in Erwin's steady gaze that he didn’t and he wondered why. Then it hit him like a blow. He didn't want Erwin to suffer. He cared about him. Not for the commander, but for the person.
It seemed like Erwin didn’t intend to explain further or just couldn’t, because he stayed silent, lost in thoughts.
“What happened?” At one point, Levi couldn’t keep the question in anymore that lay on his tongue as he had never been so intrigued by a person as he was about Erwin Smith.
Erwin sighed deeply.
“During one of my father’s lessons I asked him why nobody remembered the time before the Titans. I mean it's possible that we've lost all the records, but why are there no stories from that time? At least my grandparents’ generation must have lived through it. So why don’t we know anything?”
Levi frowned and leaned back. He hadn’t thought about that. Not that there had been much room for it in the Underworld in which every day was a fight for survival. The Titans had been nothing more than quietly whispered rumours, appearing more like a spooky story one would tell to scare the children. Levi had never wasted a thought about them before he had joined the Survey Corps, or rather before he had seen one.
“For a moment, my father just looked at me while the classroom was dead silent and all eyes were on me,” Erwin continued. “To my disappointment, my father then gave me a flimsy explanation that I didn't believe, and the other students laughed at me. I didn't care, but what saddened me was that my father stopped the inquisitiveness that he had usually encouraged, but that evening, at dinner, my father let me in on a secret.”
“Which one?”
“That he suspects someone has changed the collective memory of humanity and that's why no one remembers anymore. I remember too well the feeling of excitement I had then. It was like a spark that was to determine my life from that moment on.”
“And that was responsible for your father’s death?” Erwin's head jerked up and his eyes widened as he met the calm, deep expression in Levi's. That night, Levi would allow no more masks. In the clear light of the moon, their true selves would finally emerge and today he would decide if he trusted Erwin as a human too and not just as a commander and for that he needed to know who he really was.
“Yes.” He nodded solemnly. “My father told me to keep that theory secret as it was dangerous, but I was too naïve and trusting of this world. I couldn’t keep my excitement in and shared it with my friends. However, none of them felt the same as I did. Most of them even laughed at me. No matter who I told it, I met with resistance. No one wanted to hear it. I kept trying anyway, but soon most of them turned away from me. I didn't care, if that was the price of truth, I would pay it. Even if they said I was crazy. No matter if they laughed at me because I trusted my father. At the time, I didn't realise that by striving, I had signed the death warrant of the person I loved most.”
“The theory should not be spread even if no one listened to it, because at some point even a spark can become a sea of flames.”
“That’s right.” Erwin nodded, but he didn’t look at Levi. “I wanted to open humanity’s eyes, but I underestimated its ears. A short time later, my father was called to the government quarter. It was only supposed to be a meeting and he wouldn't be gone long, but he never returned. Instead of my father, two military policemen knocked on my door and told me that he had died in a carriage accident.”
Erwin's usually warm and calm voice was now dark and heavy like the night.
For Levi, death was a constant companion. He had seen many people die and had also taken some lives. Until recently, he had wanted to kill Erwin. Despite all this, however, he was not jaded. He knew the deep black hole of pain that sat beneath Erwin's heart.
At that moment, something strange happened. When the clouds had cleared on that fateful rainy day, Erwin had appeared to him like the sun. He had shone, and had almost blinded him. Since that day, Erwin had been almost too bright, bigger than a human could be, but now, the oversized glow faded and he became darker, more normal. In this moment, Levi felt that he was sitting opposite the human Erwin and not the symbolic figure. He had truly taken off his mask and this moment Levi felt like he could truly connect with him. No matter where you came from- the surface or the underground; grief was the same everywhere.
“So that is the reason why you joined the military and the Survey Corps. You want to prove that your father was right.”
“That’s true,” Erwin confirmed without hesitation and hard determination rested in his eyes as he looked back up.
So that was the real Erwin and his very own motivation? The egoism that was supposed to be behind all this and was the basis of his strength? And above all, was this a reason that Levi could accept and follow?
“Now, you know the ugly truth and my selfish motivation. My secret that no one else knows.” The soft smile on Erwin's lips didn’t match his words.
“No one else knows it?” Levi whispered surprised.
“No. You’re the first I told it ever since I joined the Survey Corps. The question is what are you going to do with it, now? Can you still trust me?”
Levi thought carefully about this question for a long time. His trust was something he did not give lightly, because it always carried a risk. Moreover, it was a final decision. If he answered the question in the affirmative, he would accept Erwin in all his self and follow him everywhere, even if the destination was the hell that lay beyond the walls.
While he searched for the answer, he looked into Erwin's eyes, who held his gaze the whole time, exposing all the answers and truths Levi was seeking. Now that Erwin was revealing everything about himself to him, it seemed as if Levi could feel their hearts beating in unison; as if they were becoming one, and at that moment Erwin's dream became his own.
“Yes, I can.”
“Even if my wish is selfish and dirty?”
“That is precisely why,” Levi said resolutely and folded his arms.
Erwin Smith was a person who was hardly surprised and upset by anything. When the storm raged outside, he became calm as a lake, but these words hit him completely unexpectedly. He widened his eyes and stared at Levi as if he was suddenly talking in a foreign language.
“I could never trust in a radiant ideal, because it is usually nothing more than a beautiful appearance, a disguise to hide the darkness that truly laid underneath it.”
“Levi.” Stunned, Erwin looked at him, but then his face expression softened. “Thank you.”
Levi blinked, confused. Thank you? Had Erwin truly thanked him? Levi couldn’t remember if anyone had ever thanked him. No. People had feared him for his strength, but no one had ever thanked him. It felt odd and…good?! He wasn’t sure. It was a feeling that he barely knew.
“What for?”
“I needed to hear that. More than I thought.” Erwin looked at him with a smile so tender that his breath hitched in his throat and his heart began to raise.
“Erwin…” Suddenly, his cheek felt warm and quickly he turned his head away. He felt shy and insecure as so many feelings were swirling inside of him that he didn’t know.
“Oh…that was too much, wasn’t it,” Erwin breathed, sadly, who seemed to have misunderstood his reaction for once. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable.”
Suddenly, Levi heard the rustle of the couch’s fabric as Erwin shifted, moving further away.
What? No, no, no! He didn’t want to lose the closeness they had just established. In a moment of panic, Levi’s head jerked up and turned to look back to Erwin, who indeed had moved to the furthest corner of the couch.
Erwin Smith looked lonely at that moment, sitting there with his head down and his hand clawed into the fabric of his trousers. It was then that Levi realised that Erwin could never be his true self and how big the gap was between his rank and his personality was. How much it must take for him to step forward to atone for his father's death and probably lose more and more of himself in the process. Erwin was ready to give up everything to achieve his goal, even giving himself up.
But Levi didn’t want Erwin to get lost. He felt that clearly inside of him.
“Do you really want to be a martyr?” he asked him in a serious voice and Erwin's head jerked up.
“What?”
“Do you feel so guilty and responsible for your father's death that you're taking it on yourself for something you're not responsible for? Do you have to hurt yourself to atone in your opinion?” The words seemed to hit the mark because Erwin just stared at him with wide eyes. At that moment, they were truly like a mirror to his soul, showing how wide, deep, but also how hurt it was.
Levi sighed and slid closer, closing the distance Erwin had built.
“It wasn't too much, and it wasn't too fast. It was too right, and I was surprised and a little afraid by that feeling,” he said, because if he had demanded that sincerity from Erwin, the same was true for him. This was the point of no return. In this moment, when the air seemed charged with energy, both their fates would be decided. Their common destiny, but also their own.
He rested his hand onto Erwin’s without a second thought and that seemed to ground the blond-haired man. His eyes narrowed to a normal size again and when he stopped looking past Levi, he held such a tender gaze inside them, that Levi’s heart skipped a beat. So deep, so blue, so mesmerizing, but this time, Levi didn’t run away from whatever was resting inside of them.
“I believe in you, Erwin,” Levi said. “I believe that you have the strength to save this world and I’ll do everything I can possibly do to help you. I will follow you wherever you lead.”
“Levi,” he whispered his name almost as if it was a reverent prayer. Then, it happened. The one thing every moment seemed to have led to. The time around them stopped as Levi lifted himself up, for the first time acting on his desire. He cupped Erwin’s cheek and sealed the vow he just made with a kiss.
If Levi was honest with himself, he had wanted to do this for quite a while. Late at night, when sleep came to him and the boundaries between dream and reality blurred and his past no longer captivated him, he had wondered what it would be like. To be close to the only person he considered his equal. The man who had opened his eyes and freed him from the darkness and whom Levi would rescue from that very darkness if necessary. That was what he had promised himself.
Erwin's lips felt different than he had imagined. They were tender and surprisingly warm. Erwin widened his eyes as he felt the touch of Levi’s lips against his and Levi felt how he tensed. Levi had been aware that he was risking everything with giving in to this selfish wish, but he had to do it.
After all, Levi didn't mean as much to him as he did to him. How could he? Erwin had saved him from the darkness, but Levi had done nothing for Erwin yet.
Just when he wanted to pull away and leave, Erwin’s posture relaxed against him, and a little sigh escaped him. Erwin’s lips began to move to return the kiss, timid at first, but more secure with every touch.
Time seemed to melt away in which they sat there, bathed in the clear, ethereal light of the moon, searching solace in comfort in each other. Erwin’s hand wandered to Levi’s cheek. The touch was tender and soft. It felt beautiful as Levi had finally arrived home; the point of his path where he didn’t have to walk alone anymore, shouldering the burden to protect what was precious to him on his own. Levi had found the person he wanted to fight side by side with.
He didn’t know how long they had stayed in this timeless moment, but somewhen the urge for air was burning in Levi's lungs. He feared that the moment would be gone as soon as he pulled away, but there was no other choice left.
There was a quiet noise as they dissolved, and they awakened out of their dream. When Levi blinked and the focus of his vision returned, he saw a faint, crimson blush colouring Erwin’s high cheekbones. The commander had turned his head away as soon as their connection had been destroyed and he almost looked a little shy.
At this moment, Levi understood that Erwin had forgotten what it was like to be seen as a human being. Levi smiled. It was adorable.
What he only now noticed himself, however, was that Erwin's hand was still resting on his cheek and his thumb was unconsciously stroking it.
Even if they were both a little overwhelmed with what had happened that night, he didn't want to lose it and so Erwin kept the connection as a physical manifestation.
“Well…I certainly wasn’t expecting that,” Erwin said with a shy laugh in his voice and the blush didn’t fade from his cheek. He turned his head back around and looked at Levi through long lashes.
“Me neither,” Levi said with a tiny smile. Then they looked at each other, uncertain. They knew that something had changed inevitably between them, but they didn’t know how to go on.
“So…what are we going to do, now?” In the end, it was Erwin who decided that they properly had to talk this through.
“I don’t know,” Levi whispered honestly. “Do we have to make it something complicated? Can it not just be two men searching for solace in each other?”
The moment he saw the expression in Erwin’s eyes, he knew he had screwed it up. The commander furrowed his thick brows, obviously unsettled by Levi’s answer, and leaned back to have a better look at him.
“Levi…,” he began, cautiously. He paused for a moment and licked over his lips as he searched for the words. “I…wanted this to happen. For quite a while to be honest, but if you only did it because you felt lonely…because you needed to feel closeness…then…then…”
The words fell off his tongue and Erwin turned his head away.
“Then I wished it didn’t happen.” The gaze in his blue eyes was hidden in the shadows of the night, but Levi saw how a tiny crystal fell to the ground and his heart stopped. He was crying. Erwin was crying!
“What, no!” Levi exclaimed and slid closer. “It’s not like that.”
“How is it then?” Erwin asked desperately.
“I…tch…” Levi clenched his hand into his fist, the nails biting into his palm. He had to do it. He had to jump over his shadow and open up to Erwin. Just like he had.
“You’re not a replacement, Erwin, anything but that.” Erwin blinked and looked back at him. The remnants of the tears still glistened between his lashes and the sight made Levi’s heart clench. He took in a deep breath and then let it out shakily. “But I’m afraid.”
“Afraid?” Levi didn’t look at Erwin, but the commander sounded concerned. He felt his body turning towards him, a tall, solid wall next to him.
“I lost everything I held dear,” he whispered with a voice even quieter than his breathing. “My mother died when I was young. The man who raised me and taught me how to survive left without a word as soon as I was able to. I always wondered why. I learned that in this cold, dark world, hope will only cause pain...so I decided to not let anyone close so that I wouldn’t feel left alone again...even though...I never wanted to be that way. Then came Furlan and Isabel...and I couldn’t help myself...made the same mistake again and…”
Another shaky breath.
“Well, you know how it turned out.”
“Levi…” A warm, strong hand cupped his chin, a tender thumb running along his jaw as his head was tilted up. Levi felt a wetness in his eyes, and he felt vulnerable, and shy, and weak and all he wanted to do was to run away from this kindness and warmth, but his body stayed. Even leaned more into the comforting touch and as he finally looked back up, these incredibly beautiful, blue eyes looked at him full of compassion.
“I can’t let that happen again, Erwin.” His voice almost broke, all the pain that had been buried deep inside of him glistening in his eyes. “I can’t endure that again. I can’t lose you. Not you, too.”
He trembled and sniffed.
“But we live in a good damn war. Every moment can be the last. So please…,” he pleaded, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I can’t have this conversation. I can’t give it a name and make it real. As selfish as it is. I have to protect myself.”
“Levi…” Levi wasn’t sure which emotions rested in Erwin’s voice. If it was surprise or sadness and he didn’t dare to look up to find out. Instead, his fingers curled into the fabric of his trousers, and he pressed his lips into a thin line, before more stupid words came out. Before he would feel even more miserable and pathetic.
Silence reigned between them while Erwin seemed to be processing what he had just learned. Thinking about how to deal with the emotions Levi had revealed, Levi waited with a fast-beating heart.
“Alright, we won’t,” Erwin’s warm, soft voice suddenly affirmed, and his forehead dropped against Levi’s. “We will take whatever is given to us.”
The words caressed Levi’s cheeks and something even deeper. An ugly sniff escaped him as he nodded, Erwin’s forehead almost slipping from his and tears still burned in his eyes.
He was relieved. Relieved that Erwin was so kind to grant him this. No one had ever acknowledged his needs and desires. Not even Levi himself.
Erwin’s strong arms wrapped around him, and warm lips pressed a kiss against his hair.
“I’m so sorry, Levi,” he murmured in all earnestness and his breath caressed Levi’s scalp. “That you had to endure all of this.”
That was the moment something inside Levi shattered. A crack ran through the reflection and with a mental chink the shards fell to the ground. More tears began to fill Levi's eyes and another pathetic sniff left him. His hands, unknowingly resting on Erwin's chest, clawed into the white fabric of his shirt and he curled up a little more. Seeking more of the closeness and warmth.
Erwin held him tight and for the first time Levi felt protected. Safe . Like he could stop for a minute and just feel all those things he had never allowed himself to. To be weak, to allow to feel all the pain he had pushed away.
Levi didn’t know long he had been crying in Erwin’s arms, when everything faded into black.