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DEAR HARRY.
Hey Haz!
I really miss you, you know? My mum is making me go to these meeting for depressed teens because she doesn’t feel like I can handle this. I think the point of me going to these things is to be able to forget. I can’t forget. Memories is all I have left of you, until we meet again. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday even though it was almost a year ago. I went to the tree house that day but you never showed up. At first I thought you had probably caught the flu or something like that. I called your mom to ask if you were sick. She didn’t answer. I walked to your house in the snow with your favorite Chinese food takeout because that always makes you feel better. I really didn’t think it would be that bad, but when I got there, the police was already there and an ambulance was driving away. I asked what was happening, but no one had answers. I ran to the hospital, and found your parents in the emergency room. It was kind of weird to be honest, because I don’t really think they had been in the same room without arguing before that day. But there they were. Both holding each other as they sobbed into the other’s shoulder. I asked if they knew how badly injured you were and they said they were waiting for the doctor to come out of the room with information but knew their baby would be okay. I smiled bitterly as I held the tears in because as much as I wanted to believe your parents, hoping they were right, I knew I had lost you. You always used to make fun of me every time I said that I could feel your presence, but it was true. It was really scary, actually, because I couldn’t feel you anymore. You were gone. You’re still gone. I know that it’s only temporary though, right? Because you will come back. It’’s been almost a year, so it shouldn’t take that long for you to get back, right? I’ll be here waiting for you, okay? Just don’t take too long please. So before I get off-track, I should probably tell you that I will be writing a few letter. This being the first one. Mr. Dalton, the therapist, says this will help me. So just to warn you, you will get these letters daily. Not that it matters. It’s not like you will read them anyway, because you never replied to ones I sent on your birthday, and Valentine’s Day. So I guess this is it for the first one. This one was just to explain why I’m writing these to you, but again, it doesn’t matter because you won’t read them, will you? Love, LT.
P.S. I can’t wait to see you again.
Things have not been easy for Louis. Everything feels as if the world is just crumbling down little by little. It’s his senior year and honestly, he is disoriented like never before. There is so much to do in nearly no time. Things never work out like they are supposed to. There seems to be no reason to go on like this anymore. It has been 11 months of constant sadness, and feeling guilty, and being misunderstood by everyone who does not get to hear the awful things that go on in his mind. What is he supposed to do? Plan for college? He doesn’t know what career he wants to pursue. He doesn’t even have a plan for the future. There probably is no future. As far as he knows, his life was put on hold the day at the hospital when a young doctor, dressed in a white lab coat, said with sad eyes, “We did all we could. We are very sorry.” So for the time being, all Louis seems to be able to do is sit in his room, patiently waiting for Harry’s return.
“I’m glad you could make it.” Dr. Dalton said, he is an old man who thought vest sweaters made him wiser than he actually is. He wears big glasses even though he doesn’t need them because he believes that they make him look professional, and that by wearing said glasses people will take him more seriously. “You missed our last appointment.”
“I fell asleep.” Louis answered honestly.
“So tell me about that...did the nightmares come back?”
“They aren’t nightmares!”
“What are they?”
“Memories.” He whispered as he plopped himself down on a bean bag.
“Memories of what?” asked Dr. Dalton for the hundredth time probably. This is the question Louis dreaded the most even though he knew that it gets asked every time he sees Dr. Dalton. “Listen, I’m not here to judge what you tell me. Everything that you say is completely confidential. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. You don’t have to like me or be my friend, but just give me a chance, ok?”
“I can’t” He whispered.
“Why not?”
“Because you wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
Louis took a deep breath. He has been trying so hard to keep everything to himself. There is absolutely no way anyone would understand. They would just think he is crazy, and god knows what would happen to him then. “Okay,” he whispered before his brain could register what he had just agreed to.
“Tell me about your dream.”
“He was there. He looked the same as he did the day before everything ended.”
“Who was there?”
“H-Harry,” he whispered more to himself than to Mr. Dalton, but he still caught it. “He looked at me the way he did that day. His eyes weren’t bright anymore though. He didn’t speak to me even though I begged him to...Why doesn’t he talk to me anymore?”
“Were you able to hear his voice before?”
“He was in every single one of my dreams, and he would tell me how stupid I was being, and he would laugh at me, but not anymore”
“Why do you think that is?” Mr. Dalton asked as he scribbled something down on a scratchpad. Seeing the way he took notes on whatever was being said only made Louis grow more nervous and uneasy.
Louis looked down to his hands as he fiddled with his thumbs and whispered, “I can’t remember anymore.”
Dear Hazza,
What a stupid way to begin a letter, isn’t it? I talked to someone today, and now I wish I hadn’t. I hate myself, you know? My life has turned to complete shit and guess whose fault that is? I hate the fact that I blame you for everything, even though it was really my fault, wasn’t it? i have lived for almost a year with so much guilt inside me. I could’ve done something and maybe then you would still be here, but you’re not! The reason I hate the fact that I spoke to Mr. Dalton is because I realized how much I miss you. I’ve also just realized that you didn’t really care about me, you knew that the moment you weren’t there I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, but you left anyway. You promised you would always be there for me, but you’re not! You’re not here anymore, Haz! And that’s not an excuse, that’s just the way it is, the fact that you are gone doesn’t mean that the world has stopped rotating, does it? So why do I feel like my life has ended? Part of me wants to hate you Harry! In fact, part of me does actually hate the part of you that decided to leave me! You didn’t think of me, you selfish son of a bitch! I hate myself for hating you. You could’ve talked to me about it, but you decided to just end it. That’s the part I hate so much, the part that decided that it would be easier to just give up. We spent so many days thinking of the future. OUR future, Haz. You were included in every single one of my plans. You were supposed to be my future! Did that even matter to you at all? Did I matter to you?
Love, LT.
P.S. I miss you so much.
“I think it’s time to talk,” said Johannah, a woman with long brown hair, pale skin and gorgeous blue eyes. A small lady who looked slightly intimidating dressed in high leather heels, and a formal suit, as she carried around a black leather briefcase.
“I don’t wanna talk.” Louis used to tell his mother everything. Every single detail of his life was known by his mother. They were like best friends. That is until everything in his life spun out of control.
“I think you should. Mr. Dalton said that it wo-”
“Mr. Dalton knows absolutely nothing about me! He thinks he can save me but I don’t need saving. I don’t need his help!”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t want it!”
“You need help,” Johannah exclaimed, starting to feel slightly frustrated because how is she supposed to help her son when he refuses to let her in.
“I needed your help and you weren’t there! I begged for five stupid minutes of your time that you continued to deny me from. You didn’t care enough to talk to me when I wanted to talk to you. You were a selfish bitch who didn’t care about anyone other than yourself and whatever was going on in your stupid office because ‘what would people think if I don’t appear picture perfect’” Louis emphasized his point with air quotes as he yelled frustratedly.
“That’s not fair”
“Neither was how you treated me,” he whispered as he made his way to his bedroom.
Hey,
How are you? I had a dream about you last night. I don’t really remember the whole thing but you were there dressed in your favorite ‘The 1975’ shirt and you were smiling wide. I miss that smile. It had the power to make anyone’s day brighter. I tried talking to you, but you never answered. You just looked at me and it made me feel worse than I do because I could see the pity in your eyes. You looked at me as if I was some sort of monster whom you did not recognize. It hurt, to be honest, because I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I talked to my mom this afternoon. Well, not really. It was more of an argument about me not talking to her, but it was the first time in almost a month that I said a single word to her. I know you would be disappointed in me if you were still here. I would do anything to see you again, you know? Anything just to have a few minutes with you. To tell you that I am truly sorry, and say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye and I really do miss you. I have absolutely no one to talk to anymore, and maybe it is my fault for pushing everyone away. Maybe I deserve this because this is probably what you felt all those years, and I decided to ignore it. I really hope you are happy now, wherever you are.
Love, LT.
P.S. I love you.
“How was school?” asked Johannah the moment Louis set foot into the house and threw his backpack to the couch.
“Same as always.” he stated coldly.
“Christmas is coming...is there anything you want?”
“No.”
“There must be something.”
“You can’t give me what I want,” he replied as he kicked off his shoes and made his way to his bedroom.
By the time he reached the door there were already tears running down his cheeks. With his back pressed to the wall, Louis slid to the floor as he whispered, “You said you’d always be there for me!” and wiped the tears from his face rather furiously. After a while, the tears stopped. There was nothing left other than silence and numbness. He crawled to his bed and pulled out a small red box from under the bed. He carefully opened the box and pulled out a small, shiny, sharp, cold blade. “You said you’d always be there for me,” he cried as he stared at the blade in his hand before making a small cut in his thumb. He watched with such fascination as small drops of blood made their way down his wrist before crashing to the floor. Louis smiled sadly as he set the blade down before pulling his jeans down to mid-thigh. “You said you’d always be there for me,” he whispered once again as he picked up the blade and pressed it to the bruised skin already littered in small cuts. He took deep breaths and counted to twenty in his mind, feeling the familiar coldness of the piece of metal against his skin, before dragging it down. He repeated the process five more times before doing it again to his other thigh. Louis set the blade down and watched as blood made its way down to the floor from the sliced skin. He stretched his arm out, and reached for a black towel that layed on the floor before making his way to the bathroom to take a shower. He let the water run for a while until it was warm enough. The steam from the water making him feel like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, but he didn’t mind. He stepped into the hot water and immediately felt it sting on the cuts. He looked down with a small smirk on his lips to admired his work as the cuts began to bleed again, turning the water an orangish-red. “You said you’d be there for me.”
Dear Haz,
I think I know why I can’t hear you in my dreams anymore. You’re image is slowly fading away...just like your voice. I’m forgetting you, aren’t I? I can’t forget you...your memory is all I have left of you, but I don’t remember your voice anymore. Or the way your face looked everyday. All I have left are pixelated images of you taken by a shitty camera and stupid low quality videos that made your voice sound slightly high pitched. That’s not the real you. I can feel your memory fade away more and more as each day passes by. What would happen then? I can’t let you go. I refuse to let you go, even if all I have left is the fading memory of you. I’ll be dead before I fully forget you. I can’t wait to see you again. I’m afraid that if I forget you I won’t recognize you when we meet again. That’s why I can’t lose your memory, Haz. I just can’t. Honestly, this past year has been the worst year of my life. I’m alive, but it doesn’t feel like I’m living life. i’m sick of crying, and hurting, and being alone. I can’t do this anymore, Hazza. I’ve always been the best at letting people down, just like I let you down. I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore, but it’s the only thing that seems to help now. I know you would be very disappointed in me, but I can’t help it. Never in a million years did I imagine that I would become so dependent on a stupid piece of cold metal, but here I am today, feeling sorry for myself. I’m not strong, Harry. If I was I wouldn’t be sitting in the corner of my bedroom, writing this letter with fresh cuts on my skin as tears stream down my face. I’m a coward. That’s all I ever will be.
Love, LT.
P.S. We’ll see each other soon, yeah? Just a couple more days, until I sort things out here. I need to make peace with my mother before I go, but I’m ready.
Louis walked through busy streets on a rainy day. The light had been consumed by darkness, fog, and humidity. He did not mind at all as he slowly made his way to god knows where. He felt as he had been walking for hours without a destination in mind. The heavily packed streets morphed into an incredibly large open field with lots of trees. Small snowflakes fell onto the ground, never melting, just patiently waiting for more to come to stick together. He stood in the middle of the field with his arms spread open as he looked up at the sky. Snowflakes fell on to his skin, melting almost immediately.“It’s nice here, isn’t it?” Louis froze immediately as he heard the voice talking to him. It’ been so long since he last heard it, but it hasn’t changed at all.“Look at me, Lou.”
Louis felt tears make their way down his cheeks as he turned around. “H-Hazza?”
Harry nodded, spreading his arms open.
Louis ran straight to the taller boy, wrapping his arms around him tightly. “I missed you so much.”
“I’m here now, aren’t I?”
Louis nodded his head, and whispered: “I’m leaving today. I’ll talk to my mum, and I’ll be on my way, okay?”
Harry smiled as he let go of him, “I’ll see you then, Lou”
“Can’t you stay a little longer?” Louis asked a bit hopeful.
“See you later, Lou.” Louis felt soft lips on his forehead before everything turned to darkness.
“I love you.”
Louis walked through the front door of his house, and was soon welcomed with the peaceful sound of silence. Louis made his way down the long hallway, reaching Johannah’s studio. “Mum? Are you in there?” he asked as he knocked on the door three times.
“Come in.”
“Can we talk?” Louis asked as he set foot into the small room, taking in the look of it. He hadn’t been there in a long time, but everything has remained the same.
“Of course, hun” she said as she pulled out a small stool from underneath her desk for him to sit on, “what do you need to talk about?”
“I’m sorry about what I said the other day,” He whispered as he sat down, looking at his mother’s eyes for a sign of forgiveness, “will you please forgive me?”
“Of course I do,” She began as she took her sons hand, “I love you, Lou. I want you to be happy, and I’m sorry if I have been a bad mother to you.”
Louis shook his head. “You aren’t. You are the best mom anyone could ever have. I appreciate everything you have done for me, and I want you to know that I love you too, and that whatever happens is not your fault. I just want to be happy, okay?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. I just wanted you to know that.” He stood up and wrapped his arms around his mother in a tight hug for the last time. “I love you,” he whispered as he exited the room and made his way out the front door.
There was about a foot of snow on the ground but Louis didn’t care as he made his way to the tree house hidden in the woods. He walked in silence with his hands stuffed in his front pockets and a cigarette in between his lips. Everything was quiet and almost peaceful, except for the running thoughts in his mind that never seemed to rest. He walked slowly, with his head held low as he got closer to the tree house, feeling his heart get heavier with every step he took. Louis’ eyes widened as the tree came into view, seeing a woman with long, straight, dark hair, and sad green eyes leaning against it.
Louis used to like seeing Harry and Anne stand by each other because they were so similar, and in a way it gave him a sense of family and closeness that he never got from his own family, but now seeing her there doesn’t feel the same anymore. All it does now is make the knot in his throat grow even bigger, blocking any way for oxygen to fill his shrinking lungs.
“Lou!” Anne exclaimed a bit hopeful as she looked straight into his blue eyes. Louis froze. Not a lot of people call him that since the last time he saw Harry.
“Hi, Anne.” He replied nervously. It’s not a secret to anyone in this town that he has spent the last eleven months avoiding the Styles family at all cost.
“Hadn’t seen you in a while,” She whispered, “How have you been?”
“Fine?”
“You didn’t have to stop coming around, you know?”
“I know. I just can’t go back there.” He replied, inhaling deeply.
Anne didn’t reply. She didn’t need to say anything to let Louis know that she understood him. All she did was give him a knowing look, and somehow, he felt safe for the first time in months.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered as a tear made its way down his face.
“Oh, honey!” Anne exclaimed, stepping forward and wrapping her long arms around Louis for a tight hug. It was the first time in months that Louis had allowed himself to cry in front of anybody else. He doesn’t know why, but somehow, having Anne near made him feel as if he was a little bit closer to Harry.
“I’m so sorry,” He began nearly sobbing, “I could’ve stopped him.”
“There’s no way you could’ve known,” Anne whispered as she rubbed circles on his back.
“I could’ve done something,” He cried out, suddenly feeling as if there wasn’t enough oxygen to fill up his lungs. “I had the chance to help, and I let it go.” Anne held Louis as they both cried into each other’s shoulders. Louis felt a sense of relief knowing that he had let out what he had been carrying with him for nearly a year, even if he hadn’t shared every single detail.
Suddenly it was as if everything settled inside his mind. The voices in his head had finally been silenced as acceptance took over. Although Louis was able to come to terms with what had happened that day, the guilt still lingered.
Hey Haz,
I went to the tree house today. Anne was there. We didn’t really talk much, but It helped me out a lot. I actually want to apologize for the letter in which I said that I hate you. I don’t hate you, Hazza. I still love you just as much as I did when you were here. I’m also very sorry about that night. The last time we talked. I should’ve known when I felt you pull your hand away., but how could I have known when you smiled and said you loved me. We stayed quiet for a moment before I said that I loved you too. You gave me an apologetic smile, and maybe that should’ve given away the fact that you were not okay, but I was just so clueless. You said goodbye after I said goodnight. I tried to be funny by correcting you, and saying that the right way to do it is by saying goodnight. You smiled and kissed me for the last time before saying “Goodbye, Lou.” I never thought twice about it. I wish I had though. For you it wasn’t just a see you later. You meant it when you said GOODBYE. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night thinking that maybe you were hoping that I would catch up on it, and say something that maybe could’ve saved you, but I didn’t. Instead I let you go. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being there when you were feeling your world crumbling down. I’m sorry that at some point you felt what I’m feeling right now. I was a shit person, I know it. You know what hurt the most? Knowing that there is a chance that you left thinking you were completely alone, and had no one you could trust. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. I was always there, I always asked about your day. I’m also sorry that I wasn’t able to protect you like I swore I would. I didn’t mean to lie when I said that I would look after you. I did all I could. I just don’t think it was ever enough. I made up with my mum, and I’m ready to see you. I really can’t wait to see you. There is nothing stopping me now, Harry. There is no pain anymore. I’m not hurting, and this is the first time in a year that I feel at peace with myself. So this is it. I’ll see you on the other side, okay?
Love, LT.
P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.