Chapter Text
Peter Parker was panicking. His hands and back were sweaty and he was going to die in some dark street alleyway girlfriendless at his midtwenties ; dying on a dark alleyway was too cliché and it got him so fucking mad, he had cut out all his ties but with his aunt May just to protect everybody and now they would probably find his body in a week or maybe by then it would have already been eaten by rats because this neighborhood was so horrible it was plausible for it to have Japanese mutant rats and actually it would be really nice if he could meet the teenage mutant turtles.
He had overheard the police talking about some thugs in the area and made the stupid decision of investigating. Turns out they weren't average thugs, they had superpowers and he should have expected it because lately everybody seemed to have accidents that involved radioactive shit, coincidentally all of them decided to move to New York and the place was now a freak circus.
He was attacked and he wasn't expecting it, he was looking for guns and knives, not superpowers. He was pretty sure two of his ribs were injured and he really hoped they hadn't broken but it hurt like hell and he could see white spots everywhere, he intended to get up but fell back down with a whimper, resting his back on the dirty brick wall.
[P - Peter ; W - Wade]
P - "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm so stupid and I'm so hungry and I haven't had sex in months, this is terrible timing for death."
W - "I can help with the sex thing."
Peter groaned. The last thing he needed right now was Deadpool and his fucking unstoppable talking.
P - "Noooo. Get awaaay, I underestimated the situation, THIS is a terrible timing for death, two seconds ago was better. Why ? Why Deadpool of all people?"
W - "Rude. Who are you talking to, by the way? are you one of those crazy bastards that talk to voices in their head? because let me tell you my mama doesn't let me hang out with those people."
Parker was about to comment on the mental stability of the other when an arm embraced his shoulders and back, attempting to help.
P - "No. Nonononono. Stop, stop please." - He cried out in a rush. It hurt like a bitch, it would be much better if he didn't move. Ever. He could live in this alleyway, it couldn't be that bad, not as bad as moving his body right now at least.
Deadpool backed away and stared at him, thinking. Then proceeded to place the other hand by his ass, lifting him bridal style with such gentleness Peter was stunned. He couldn't manage to complain about the hand on his butt nor the uncomfortable position he was in, but when the hand started groping he definitely made sure to throw a web at Deadpool's mask.
W - "Sorry, it was sort of right there, could not help it."
They started moving, thankfully the place was desolated so nobody saw them because they looked ridiculous.
Peter had no idea where they were heading, but for once he did not question the other: he most definitely would not give Deadpool his home address.
W - "You look lighter than you are."
P - "Shut up. I haven't felt like cooking lately and I'm living on take out."
W - "Taco Bell?"
P - "Pizza hut."
W - "I feel disgusted, I could drop you right now. Hold it! there are discounts if you order at the pizza hut store dressed as a superhero. Do you...?"
P - "..."
W - "You actually go to pizza hut dressed as spider-man."
P - "You don't?"
Deadpool laughed, it was a raspy laugh and Peter groaned at the sudden movement, his ribs complaining.
W - "Sorry about that. You know I'm not a superhero, I get no discounts. I still wear my costume to the store, it's comfortable."
P - "Well, you did just rescue an injured man."
W - "... When?"
P - "Me. I'm talking about me, idiot."
W - "I did rescue you."
A grin extended from underneath the Deadpool mask.
W - "You are my princess."
P - "I hate you."
W - "You say that but deep down you are in love with me." - Deadpool proceeded to tap his ass, you know... for emphasis only.
P - "No, I really hate you. You give me second hand embarrassment."
He noticed how Deadpool slowed down when getting close to an apartment not too far from the horrible neighborhood they were in. It was an old and cracking building, it looked sad and empty and if you made a comparison between the place and the tower of Pisa (the tower of pizza according to the Deadpool voices) the second option looked more stable.
W - "Hold on tight, princess."
He did not understand why he was asked to do that, but as soon as Deadpool obtained a harpoon out of nowhere and shoot it next to a window he made sure to obey. Of fucking course Deadpool broke into his own apartment.
P - "Get a key!"
W - "I have one. I just... keep forgetting it."
Spider-man managed to open the window and crawl inside, followed by the merc. The place was a terrible mess, there was food older than Wolverine in here, but it was disturbingly... comfortable. It was warm inside and it had lots of couches and pillows lying around, it felt like a huge pillow fort.
W - "This is the Deadpool-cave. I know, it's awesome. You can come visit me but knock on the window first because I might be naked."
As the man babbled, he helped Peter up, placing an arm around him. He continued to talk as he laid him on the couch and went away to get a first aid kit.
W - "I can wear the matching nurse dress if you want, you can borrow it, I bet it'd look good on you Spidey."
Parker did not speak, only making soft noises when his sides hurt. He was amazed by Deadpool's capability at multitasking and the tenderness he was behaving with. Some ice was placed by his ribs as he wasn't paying attention.
P - "Fuck! Cold, it's so cold."
W - "Ice, ice, baby."
A blanket was thrown around him and he even had his feet tucked inside it. It felt nice and it made him feel so confused because this was Deadpool he was talking about.
P - "Why are you doing this? what do you want?"
The man seemed to shut up for a while and his expression was that of a confused person, Peter could tell even with the mask in between them. Then he connected the dots and understood what he was talking about.
W - "I like you. I- em... I mean, you pay attention to me, so I am returning the favor by attending you."
Spider-man and Deadpool had worked together in very few missions, it mostly involved Fury making them team up against other mercenaries, such as Hit-monkey. It was surprising how well they fit during work but the man was most of the time away from New York and that probably explained the lack of furniture in the place.
P - "Thank you." - He smiled.
W - "Are we... going to kiss?"
Peter pressed a palm against his face and groaned, this guy's mind was so weird.
P - "No, Deadpool, we are not going to kiss."
The man next to him pouted through the mask, got up and walked away, Peter closed his eyes for a while.
W - "Wade."
P - "What?"
W - "You should call me Wade, not Deadpool. I only use Deadpool during business hours."
By the time he opened his eyes Wade was sitting on the floor next to him and dipping nachos on some hot sauce while turning on the TV. Before he noticed the steady sound of the television and Wade's chattering lulled him to sleep.