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Ritsuko sat at her desk deep within the corridors of NERV. It was almost two in the morning, and the fifth or sixth sleepless night in a row. Ironically, shortly before all this started, Ritsuko had actually fallen asleep in her own bed for the first time in a long time. Her bedroom had been barren. It was adorned with a bed, clothes in the closet, and half-empty boxes in the corners. She'd moved in almost five years ago and still had yet to unpack, still had yet to decorate.
She reached for the mug of coffee she always kept beside the computer and was swiftly interrupted by the mechanical whoosh of the heavy metal door. Her countenance immediately and reflexively contorted. Ritsuko swiveled around in her chair, only to see none other than Lieutenant Maya Ibuki. Ritsuko's face then relaxed. "Maya?"
"Dr. Akagi! Have you made any progress? We keep running into walls at the bridge..."
"Yes. The raw data is familiar, and I've seen it all before. My job is to...interpret it, in a sense. It should be a quick turnaround, so don't worry. The hardest part is how dense it is and having to sift through it all," Ritsuko explained in that familiar, warm yet lethargic tone of voice that Maya knew so well.
Maya smiled, "ah, well, that's good! So, what should we be focusing on at the bridge?"
"Damage control. Nothing more, nothing less."
Maya silently nodded, before venturing over to Ritsuko's desk to take a look at the data. Ritsuko swiveled around and began scrolling through it -- pages upon pages of scrambled numbers and letters filled the monitor, passing by at a dizzying speed.
"And you said you've seen this all before?"
"In a way. But that's a story for another time."
Maya nodded again
"If -- after this is all resolved," continued Ritsuko, "I don't believe Shinji will pilot Unit 01 again. Or anyone, for that matter," she said while resuming her work, staring intently at the monitor while talking.
Maya's shoulders slumped and her face fell. "The dummy system's really going through, isn't it?"
"Of course. We haven't wasted valuable time and resources not to implement it. This rescue operation is a sink for time and money, neither of which we can afford to lose any more of."
"I know I've said this before, but I really don't feel comfortable with it."
"Your comfort should be of no concern to you. Unit 01 is volatile. You know that very well. If we eliminate the need for a human pilot -- which we already have -- and implement the dummy system, we won't have to worry about it anymore. Each battle will be a clean victory," explained Ritsuko.
Maya shook her head. "It's just not right," she muttered as she looked away.
Ritsuko sighed. Maya was making the same face she always did, with her mouth gently twisted to the side and her eyes glancing down at the floor. It was an expression she'd seen many times on the bridge, always present when things got a little too complicated for the younger woman's liking. She didn't think it suited a face that was all curves and no angles like Maya's. Ritsuko took a deep breath. "You can believe what you want, but it's not up to you. This isn't about what's 'good,' it's about what will defeat the angels. The fact that Unit 01 has absorbed both an S2 Engine and its own pilot is suspect enough."
Maya straightened her back, turned around, and began to walk out into the hallway and back to the bridge. She got about halfway to the door before she stopped dead in her tracks, interrupted by Ritsuko.
"Say it. I can tell you're not done."
"No," Maya refused, still facing the door. "Haven't you told me before that I need to pick my battles?"
Ritsuko was silent.
Maya knew she was contemplating something. Probably formulating the perfect response, something that she hoped would finally persuade Maya. The desperation of Ritsuko's repeated attempts at convincing her to shut out that little voice in the back of her head that told her right from wrong wasn't lost on Maya. A part of her was grateful that an older, storied woman like Ritsuko hadn't given up on her yet. But recently she'd began to notice her respect for Ritsuko slowly chipping away like old, unsealed paint. "I can't take it anymore!" Maya finally erupted. "I can't deal with things being like this --"
"Maya," interrupted Ritsuko, "you had to have known that this job would be demanding."
"-- between us anymore!" Maya finished.
Ritsuko sat back in her chair, eyebrows raised and face slack. Maya was still facing the door with her back to Ritsuko. If she hadn't been, there's no way Ritsuko would've allowed herself to be visibly surprised.
"How come we can get along anywhere except here?!" Maya asked, her posture slowly growing limp. Seconds later, the tears began to roll down her cheeks. In under a minute, Maya was reduced to tears and sniffling. "It's like you're a different person when we're at NERV!" she managed to croak out while she wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
At last, Ritsuko felt compelled to do something. So, she stood up, and as soon as she did that, Maya collapsed to the floor. She wasn't crying anymore, now she was bawling.
"You don't care," Maya let out a shaky breath, "about me, or what's right and what's wrong!"
Ritsuko had never seen Maya like this. Scared, indignant, and angry, sure. But never as needy and pitiful as how she was on the floor right now. Ritsuko's heels clicked against the floor as she approached the smaller woman, and eventually she stood directly behind her.
"I know this is probably just a game to you," said Maya quietly through a wall of snot. "But...but," Maya's knuckles went white as her fingers clutched her thighs, "I love you, Ritsuko!" Maya then immediately resumed bawling, sinking even lower to the floor but never fully laying down on it. Now her fingers clenched around nothing, the pads of her fingers against the floor, her back arched and her posture hunched over. Her cries were even more muffled and hoarse than before.
Ritsuko was shaken. She slowly crouched down before fully kneeling on the floor. She took a deep breath to prepare to speak. Ritsuko would utter some comforting words that, to her, may as well be in a foreign tongue, and tell Maya to go home and stay there. Not for NERV's sake, not for the Evas' sake, not for Ikari's sake, not for Ritsuko's sake, but for herself. Because, clearly, she wasn't cut out for this, in Ritsuko's opinion. Go home and don't come back to NERV, she'd whisper. Develop software for computers, or get a dead-end job in the IT department of a university. Anything but this. Ritsuko would be sad to see her go, but it would be for the best, she rationalized. When you love something, you have to set it free, right? Ritsuko thought to herself, though she didn't understand what that indicated about herself and how deeply she felt for the woman collapsed in a bundle of tears and heartbreak in front of her.
Maya let out a shallow, shaky breath. She slowly, hesitantly turned her head. Her eyes went wide as soon as she saw Ritsuko kneeling before her.
As Ritsuko drank in Maya's red, puffy, tear-soaked face, she realized that Maya didn't need words right now. So, she lifted both arms and gently cupped Maya's face in her hands. She felt the wetness of Maya's tears beneath her fingers and ignored it as she caressed Maya's left cheek with the pad of her right thumb. Maya's eyes softened and she limply smiled, clearly exhausted, though the tears didn't stop. They continued to fall, this time silently. Some rolled over Ritsuko's fingers, and some squeezed under them.
"Maya..." said Ritsuko tenderly.
Maya, for what it's worth, was pleased with Ritsuko's response, and leaned into her, nuzzling her head in the crook of Ritsuko's neck. She was still sniffling a bit, and the tears may have still been coming for all Ritsuko knew; she couldn't see Maya's face anymore. Ritsuko wrapped her arms around Maya, embracing her and holding her close. Ritsuko didn't know if she would have that talk with Maya after all, not after this. She felt endeared to her more deeply and fully than she ever had before, and she wasn't sure what to make of that. But for now, they were alone together on the floor of Ritsuko's office. Maya was safe and Ritsuko resolved to hold her until she felt that, and until she felt more than that; until she felt loved.