Work Text:
I came across a text a few days ago and it made me think a lot about exclusivity vs choice in relationships.
Here's a quick summary of what struck me the most:
The author asks "in the expression "I want to be THE ONE they choose", what's the most important part? "THE ONE" or "choose"? "
Her answer:
In non-monogamous relationships, choice is part and parcel of daily life. With whom will I go to an event? With whom do I want to spend time? With whom do I want to have sex? Where do I want to sleep tonight? Who do I see when I need to vent? And everyone involved in a non-monogamous relationship have these choices to make. In this case, choosing and being chosen is the most important thing.
In monogamous relationships, all these choices are already made. It does bring stability and security. Being "THE ONE" is the most important thing.
There's no right or wrong answer here. Just the right answer for you.
My thoughts:
Before my separation, I had never been secure enough in my relationships to be non-monogamous. I would have been too afraid to lose my partner. I didn't trust them that much. Since then, I met some people, but one in particular made me feel ok with "choose".
We met when I was out dancing and felt attracted to each other. He brought me back to his place and we had sex. It was supposed to be a No Strings Attached relationship, a "let's call each other when we need to scratch an itch" thing. Then COVID lockdown started the very next week. We kept in touch. Talked for hours on the phone, went biking together, met for a beer or just a talk in the park.
I fell in love. I already knew him enough to know I would have to let him go someday: he needs his freedom too much for an exclusive, "forever" relationship.
So, a year ago, we talked about it. He was (and still is) not ready to get into a long-term relationship. We were already on the way of becoming good friends, so there was no question in my mind that, after a short break, we would resume as we were before. And we did. Today, I consider him one of my closest friends.
I met other people, had sex with them. I have play partners that I see when we both have the time. I am fond of them as people. I certainly didn't wait for him to change his mind. Life it too short for that.
Once we were both fully vaccinated, we had sex again. It was a deliberate decision. We could have chosen not to. We could have decided to keep our relationship strictly platonic and not bring sex into it. We both know where we each stand, that we are friends, sometimes lovers, but not in a long term relationship. It should make me feel unsatisfied. I should be sad that he doesn't want to have a LTR with me. But, somehow, having sex with him brings me serenity. And I think it's because we choose each other. He chooses me. I choose him. We both choose to have sex together. And, even if we're not in a LTR, I feel cherished in his arms. I feel loved. I feel like he sees my imperfections and appreciates me despite (or because) of them. I hope he feels just as appreciated, loved, and cherished with me.
I still see my other play partners. I don't keep it a secret from him. Not to make him jealous, but to make it clear that I'm not pining, hoping he will change his mind someday. I continue to live my life without putting it on hold. I think it makes him more comfortable to know that I have relationships with other people.
I'm not afraid of losing him. Because he doesn't belong to me. Because he chooses me, over, and over again. Because I trust that he will want to remain friends when sex is no longer part of our relationship. I already know I will.
I don't need exclusivity or a commitment. Not with him. With him, I need to be chosen. And I am.