Chapter Text
It was date night. Every other week Sylvain met Claude in their favourite bar - a little place, Almyran-inspired, always packed to the brim, rather high-end, but somehow there was always an empty table for Claude and his company. Sometimes other people joined, but mostly it was just the two of them, talking about their week, their lives, and keeping up. Also Claude was very interested in Sylvain’s love life it seemed, especially since there seemed to be a lack thereof - Currently the redhead had no dating app on his phone (he had to save some space for a game), and no one caught his interest. He did have a chance of getting a number from a woman he had bumped into at a bookshop, both carrying a cheesy romance novel and geeking out about the author - but somehow Sylvain hadn’t felt it. No sparks, not even excitement. Just… not interested. He just had much on his plate anyway, final season would catch up soon (and his master’s thesis, he’d rather not think about it), also he had picked up some new hobbies with Caspar (bouldering and kayaking - he was bad at both, but it was fun) - and would rather meet with his friends on his downtime. Mostly he lounged at Felix’s apartment and was a nuisance. But this week they’d cooked an old cake Felix had gotten from his grandmother for birthdays when he was a kid - it had been cute, seeing his bestest friend so into baking for once. And also it was a fun evening, they ate cake, played some old video games until Felix fell asleep on the couch, just watching Sylvain play Zelda while talking. Sylvain stayed over a lot - oftentimes he borrowed Felix’s clothes and he even had a toothbrush (a red one) always awaiting him in Felix’s bathroom.
Claude always looked good - even in the lower blueish-light of the bar, hands on the table, complete attention on Sylvain. Then there was a smirk, after Sylvain’s story of his week was over.
“Sounds very domestic there with dear old Felix,” the Almyran started to slowly say, “there’s nothing more?”
Sylvain shook his head, if he’d heard that from any other person, he would’ve played it up a bit more, recoiling or anything (Felix was his best friend!), but Claude didn’t mean anything bad. And also… He wasn’t too wrong - for Sylvain at least, maybe.
“I outright flirted with him,” Sylvain explained, recalling the many (unsuccessful) moments of him trying to woo Felix, “he said no and I respect that.”
Stirring his drink with his straw, he thought back on these instances, sometimes jokingly complimenting Felix’s looks, especially when his hair was down, but on other occasions (more often), Sylvain had been genuine while praising his best friend. Being dismissed mostly, but that was Felix, a hard shell with… another hard shell under that… And a few more under that, with a soft little heart inside there - somewhere… maybe.
Claude waved for the waiter, a stunning smile on his face when being acknowledged, and while waiting on being served again, he leaned closer to Sylvain, his perfectly groomed eyebrow rising closer to his hairline.
“And nothing has changed since then?”
Another head shake from Sylvain. Nothing had. Nothing would. He was just… in between- something. Confused maybe. Feeling what other people felt when he was the one spending much time with them - feeling like something special. So yes, while Sylvain asked Claude about his week, he was firm in his decision. Felix was a friend, no one he would or could make a move on.
He needed Felix to stay - and his conquests never did.
Their friend group had decided to meet up at Dedue and Dimitri’s apartment to bake together - a planned surprise for Ingrid, who was to join them later “to watch a movie”, but in reality was to be gifted the baked goods as a present, since she was done with writing her master’s thesis and starting a new job. It had been Dedue’s idea to bake a cake for her, he’d chosen a recipe - the name of the cake had slipped Sylvain again, but it was related to a fairytale somehow.
They were waiting for Dedue to return from the weekly market, they’d forgotten cherries, Dimitri was still showering - leaving Felix and Sylvain alone in the living room. Dimitri had been hesitant to leave them alone, not wanting to be a bad host, but Felix had chucked a pillow at his face, telling him off to get a shower.
Felix had been the first one of the guests to arrive, when Sylvain as the second guest was let in, the raven haired man had already taken up all the space on the sofa, laying on his stomach, immersed in a book. Now, alone with Sylvain, he had returned to reading, while Sylvain resorted to half-heartedly playing a game on his phone, eyes leaving the screen often to look up from his place on his sofa chair watching his best friend. As always, his hair was escaping the bun already askew on his head. Absent-mindedly, he removed the strands, putting them behind his ears again and again. Never not graceful. Sometimes he wrote translations to the words he hadn’t known yet in the margins of the book with his dark fineliner, his phone next to him, used as a dictionary. There was also a green highlighter laying next to his book unused, rarely he underlined passages he particularly liked.
Why did Sylvain know all of this? He didn’t dwell on that question for long, returning to watch his own phone, back to the level, swiping the little animated candy blocks away.
Felix undid his bun, making a new neater one, eyes still on his page. Sylvain caught himself watching, and the other one didn’t acknowledge him, but scowled, feeling watched, as if to shut up Sylvain before he could even say anything.
Okay - Back to his game. He still had a few levels to climb up. He only was at level 287, seeing Claude in his friend list at level 344, and Ingrid even at 393. He had to catch up. He’d lost too many lives already - why were his friends so good at this? Maybe he should look up a guide - were there even guides for app games online? He couldn’t even remember the last time he looked up a guide to a game - maybe for Sims, what was ist, motherlode? Looking up, wanting to start a conversation now, he caught himself looking at Felix for too long again.
Sometimes Felix mouthed the words, right at that moment, he seemed to have found a particularly interesting one, phone already in his hand, looking up the translation. He uncapped his pen, scoffing almost as if amused.
“In… Igon- mh,” he wrote a word, too far away for Sylvain to decipher, putting his pen away, “Ignominious, do you know that?”
“Hm?” Meeting Felix’s amber eyes, Sylvain completely and openly watched the other one.
Felix was beautiful.
Shit. What had been the question?
“The word,” Felix looked down on his page for a second, before continuing, trying not to stumble pronouncing it again, “ignominious, have you heard that before?”
Before embarrassing himself further by looking at him like a deer in headlights, Sylvain nodded.
“It’s … It means something bad,” he cringed internally, but Felix still watched him, urging him to continue, “I think? Right?”
“It’s like… shameful, disgraceful,” Felix explained.
“So I was right.” Sylvain grinned at him, but got nothing more than a “hmh”, then Felix was back to his story again. His charms just didn’t work on the many shells that made up one of his oldest friends. While crushing the next level in his game, he wasn’t paying attention. Felix was kind of an enigma when it came to certain topics. Relationships being one of those often avoided topics. There had been people dating Felix, Annette had been his first girlfriend, before she moved away, changing her major to become a teacher in Adestria. Sure they had liked each other and still were close, as far as Sylvain knew, but they both had moved on, Annette found a girlfriend, whereas Felix and Ashe started… whatever it is that they had been doing. A fling? Friends with benefits? Sylvain didn’t know, since Felix hadn’t shared any details with him. And that had fizzled out somehow as well - Ashe dated Dedue now,both happily in love. And then there had been Ferdinand, who had been dating Felix for more than a year, but they had just broken up a few weeks ago with no hard feelings, no drama, just… over. At least that was as much as Sylvain knew.
On level 289, he realized he had made jokes before about Felix having a type (minus Ashe), and Sylvain would even fit in. He sighed loudly, it wasn’t like that. They’d been friends for so long, and Felix had made clear what he thought about Sylvain’s way of dating. Or lack thereof, rather, his “escapades” (Dimitri’s words).
Speaking of their host, Sylvain stopped level 290 in the middle (he would lose anyway), since their host was done showering, joining them again, Felix making space for him on the sofa to sit down. Dimitri started to talk to Sylvain about the show he had watched the night before.
Dedue came back with the missing ingredients, having picked up Ashe, they started with everyone in the kitchen, where Dedue instructed them on the cake, whereas Ashe was responsible for the cupcakes they additionally made. Their kitchen was too small for so many people, especially when Mercedes joined them as their last member of their baking present group project.
Sylvain took it upon himself to be a taste tester, even though it wasn’t needed, seeing as everything that power couple baked or cooked was heavenly. Ashe only had to intervene once before Sylvain used salt instead of sugar.
It was a fun little bonding activity, when everything was ready for the oven, they were dismissed, Dimitri had put his hair up, but still flour had somehow found its way in there. Dedue handled the oven situation, while everyone cleaned up, Sylvain and Felix washing hands together in the bathroom.
“You remember the last time we were in a bathroom together?” Sylvain asked, the situation bringing up the memory of that drunken night in the moment he dried his hand on Dimitri’s expensive lavender towel.
“I’d rather not,” Felix muttered, taking the towel from him.
Sylvain’s answer was to chuckle, thinking back on his best friend drunk out of his mind, throwing up in their hotel bathroom in Almyra, afterwards having a short cry due to a cockroach that had skittered over the floor.
“Where there’s one to see, there are many more!” Sylvain recited the phrase his mother had used to say. He probably recited it wrong, well… He still felt like everything was a bit blurry. He’d expected Felix to hit him, as he always did, bumping his fist on Sylvain’s arm, but Sylvain was met with watery eyes.
“Fuck you,” Felix said, tears warning to escape, his shoulders shivering for a moment, “We have to check out,” He coughed, “oh shit.”
Tears were rolling. When was the last time Sylvain had seen Felix cry? When they were children? No, after the breakup with Annie. Or had there been tears? Sylvain was too drunk to think about this and also there was a crying Felix in front of him. He tried to reach out, but Felix turned, washing his face, standing on wobbly legs, but it worked. Sylvain laid a hand on his back, trying to be reassuring (while he had thrown up probably his whole stomach contents, it seemed to have helped a few minutes before), while Felix leaned more in, using Sylvain as a crutch, while both brushed their teeth. He could barely concentrate on the little simple task of brushing his teeth with Felix standing next to him like that. So close, loosely slinging an arm around Sylvain’s waist. Face flushed from the alcohol – and hair disheveled due to the effects of the amount of alcohol. Sylvain had moved his hands through his hair when he had soothed Felix a few minutes before – maybe he’d been the perpetrator of the hairstyle. Felix was only focused on brushing his teeth slowly, eyes closed leaning on Sylvain as support, comfortable, looking extremely tired.
And beautiful.
“You’re beautiful,” Sylvain voiced his thoughts dumbly, but honestly. Felix’s retort was unintelligible behind with the toothbrush in his mouth, just some toothpaste was escaping his mouth, as if he was rabid. Was he chuckling maybe?
Sylvain never got around to asking him to repeat himself, since Felix was first occupied with rinsing his mouth, warmth being gone in a second. Then he watched Felix wash his face again – he must be very drunk. This lead to Sylvain hiccupping a laugh, never seeing his friend so … disarranged like that, he even used the redhead’s shirt as a towel drying his hands seeing as the original one had been used by Sylvain to unsuccessfully kill the cockroach that was never to be mentioned again (Felix’s request).
“I’m so tired,” Felix sighed afterwards, still close to Sylvain, he could still feel the other one’s body warmth, cozy and - he was drunk, he shouldn’t. His pale face flushed still – dark eyelashes resting on his cheeks, as he was too tired to keep them open.
Knocking on the door.
“Are you okay? Felix? Is Sylvain with you?” Ferdinand’s voice from the other side, burdened with worry, a hint of panic. Sylvain stepped away from Felix, as if burned, Felix confused with gravity for a moment, but catching himself.
“Yes, sure! Everything is fine!” Sylvain called out, feeling his smile, the fake smile.
That night he had heard Ferdinand talking soothing words to Felix, even somehow magically getting a hot water bottle from the hotel staff, whereas Sylvain shared his bed with a drunkenly snoring Ingrid.
But enough, Felix wasn’t having any of that anyway at their handwashing session in the bathroom, throwing Sylvain out for some privacy.
The baking had been a success and even a big surprise for Ingrid – who had been wary, seeing everyone already being there (she was always punctual and people like Sylvain (or Ashe) weren’t always). But then she had tears in her eyes, eating them away literally by trying out the cupcakes, talking about the last weeks (mostly by her desk or at the little coffee shop), while they watched some movie (Felix had helped choosing, so it wasn’t a romcom, but rather some adventure movie (afterwards Sylvain found out that this was one of Ingrid’s favorites, he liked to think that Felix had chosen it for her)).
In another situation he was alone with Felix that evening – they were located in the hall, Felix and Sylvain getting their wallets out of their jackets to split the bill for the pizza they’d ordered (Ingrid’s wish). Felix had been uncharacteristically withdrawn that day. He found his dark wallet fast, unlike Sylvain who was still rummaging through his gym bag from his session that morning (in reality he’d only played squash with Caspar, but no one needed to know that). While he was still scrambling for his battered up wallet, Felix muttered something, starting a conversation for once.
“It’s… it hurts seeing Ashe like this,” He confessed, no emotion betraying him, “It’s good that he has someone. I just-“ Sylvain looked up, seeing the other one’s eyebrows knitting together, “I just… hm.”
Was he searching for advice? Trying to open up? He had abandoned that sentence, leaving the meaning open, exhaling air like a silent sigh. Sylvain felt a shiver through his arms, wallet forgotten for a second, as if his body was urging him to hug – using these arms for something good!
Felix opening up… Was he searching for love? Sylvain realized (shivers returning, but bad – so bad), that he didn’t deserve Felix.
Not like that.
Seeing Ashe standing next to Ingrid, probably walking her through the process of organizing their bake off, a steady arm around his waist, Dedue towering over both of them, expression seemingly blank, but Sylvain knew better, saw the little wrinkles by the eyes, the slight upturn of lips. Happiness. It made sense for Felix to feel a pang – he’d missed out on that.
“There’s a Dedue for you out there too,” Sylvain lamely said. Regretting that useless phrase, adding: “I mean it’s… you’re great.”
Shit. What happened to that silver tongue he was known for? The one rivaling even Claude on his best days. Felix’s expression on the other hand soured, he looked down on Sylvain who had squatted for his gym back, but came up now, quest for wallet forgotten entirely. Before Felix would sneer something (as he should for that lame unhelpful blubber), Sylvain took a breath, steadying himself.
“I’m dumb as always, sorry. I think I understand what you mean. And I assure you that you… that there’s something like this for you in the future. You’re just – you deserve that. You’re wonderful.”
He smiled but it felt fake. Not the right words. Not the ones he wanted to use. I could give that to you , he wanted to say. But could he? Were these not just empty words he had used on other people before?
“Use your honey on someone else,” Felix said, turning slightly away, not watching Sylvain, but also not the scene in the kitchen, rather the painting of a horse on Dimitri’s wall, “Don’t know. Fee and I-“ even though he only caught a glimpse of Felix’s face from the side he could still sense distress, changing the other one’s feature, swallowed, before continuing more quietly, “Ferdinand and I – we didn’t … there weren't … feelings anymore.”
As if annoyed with talking about this, he shook his head. “Doesn’t matter,” he muttered.
Sylvain hadn’t heard the reason why things with Ferdinand had been broken off – there had been a message in their smaller group chat (at 3am no less): “Ferdinand & I are done. Don’t talk to me about it.”
And then he hadn’t opened up more about that since then. No love anymore?
“It stopped?” Sylvain asked for clarification – he was better at this than soothing words.
A sigh. “No, it still hurts.”
Now Felix turned away completely, ready to get back to the others. Sylvain had to catch a breath, that hadn’t been what he had wanted to get to know with his question, not what he had expected.
“Let’s get back, before they’ll miss your antics,” Felix decided. But he couldn’t sound like he cared much, wanting to escape the situation. Sylvain put a hand on his shoulder, halting him.
“I’ll listen when you need me to. When you’re ready. I don’t know what to say… yet, but… I’m here for you.”
Acknowledgement was given by a curt nod, still Felix urged him on to go. “Come on, I’ll pay your share.”
Sylvain had tried dating – a lot of it. He tried it all, dating apps, blind dating and he had even attended speed dating event or two. And most of the time, he enjoyed it, getting to know new people, making new friends, maybe a new one night stand or sometimes someone he dated. And if it was a bad date, he had a new story to share, which was also fun.
Claude was a good wingman, and he had delivered again by introducing Sylvain to Demir, a man from Almyra, an old school friend of Claude who visited for the weekend and seemed to have found a liking to Sylvain immediately – why they went to that diner alone, one Sylvain had boasted about (it was Ingrid’s favorite). He was hot, very so, well built (his hobby was mountain climbing and hiking), he was very earnest, interested in Sylvain, openly so, leaning in closer when Sylvain talked, laughing about his jokes with little chuckles, as if holding back, not showing how much he enjoyed Sylvain’s highly decorated funny stories. Normally Sylvain would be in his element – this date wouldn’t lead to anything probably, since Claude had promised to join them later, after work. It should be perfect, no strings attached – also this guy would be back in Almyra the coming Monday, never to be seen again. Still – Sylvain wasn’t completely there.
And with Demir in front of him talking about the time he was in a snowstorm while mountaineering, he should be hooked, off of his seat. But something in his stomach was churning. The memory of the morning before. When they’d been together, eating breakfast in the little café Ashe worked at. At the beginning, only Claude, Sylvain, Demir, Felix and Dimitri had shared a table, but Ferdinand had joined, apparently due to Dimitri inviting him. And the orange haired man had been polite to the guest, had said his hellos to everyone – that wasn’t bad. But his interaction with Felix… He’d kissed the smaller one on the cheek, Felix grumbling something, Ferdinand’s hand lingering too long on Felix’s waist, both of them sitting shoulders touching the whole breakfast, Ferdinand stealing the cookie Felix had gotten for his coffee. Felix outwardly in a bad mood, but still hiding his smirk behind his cup after Ferdinand made jokes.
Demir had asked later if they dated, that they were cute, Claude shrugging, saying: “Thought they were off.”
Immediately Sylvain had Claude’s eyes on him, as if he was waiting for his answer – being the best friend of Felix. He didn’t know – his last information had been that they weren’t together anymore, still…
“Maybe they made up,” Sylvain gave the answer Demir was waiting for, smiling, strain on his face, Claude seeing through him, apologetic smile on his face. He wanted to know – he needed to find out what was happening. Jealousy bubbling up, something he’d felt before, sure. But mostly he had been able to swallow it down – who should he be jealous of, if his date was ogling someone else? Sylvain didn’t care for competition like that, he only went on dates with people he didn’t care too much about and if they cared more for someone else, good for them. But when thrown into a competition against Ferdinand he looked pale – that gentlemanly idiot, like the posh vampire love interest of one of his favorite novels. If that was what Felix was looking for, Sylvain had to pack his bags. But… maybe he could try to be more romantic in that over the top way?
He had a nice date with Demir, they could even sneak in a few kisses, with the promise of more seeing as he seemed very interested in staying over at Sylvain’s that evening. Maybe that would be good, take Sylvain’s mind off of things. When Claude joined them, they went for a nightly stroll through the city, bar hopping. Demir and Claude had hiked that morning together, telling Sylvain about it, later Hilda showed up, mostly to get drunk and hang on Claude’s arm, telling him about her day and asking for them to do a hike through a stream the next morning, Demir’s eyes flitting to Sylvain asking him nonverbally if he would be in.
He looked on his phone – Felix hadn’t answered his text to come over for drinks with them. But that wasn’t weird – it was gymtime for Felix probably, he would answer soon enough, hopefully. Sighing, he packed it away, after location sharing with Felix, sending a winking smiley.
He sat next to Demir, their thighs touching, the taller man oftentimes leaving his warm hand on Sylvain’s knee, everything under the table. And Sylvain got more tipsy, the later it got. Claude organized a card game from the bar they were currently in (one of Dimitri and Felix’s favourites - with all the sword memorabilia and weird viking(?) ambiente). Sylvain sneaked more than one peek at Demir’s cards and won almost all rounds. They’d played 3 rounds, while sharing fries (not fitting to the ambiente - Dimitri and Felix had argued about this for hours last time), until Ingrid arrived, Felix in tow. Both didn’t look too happy to be there, as if they’d argued the way there or had been in an uncomfortable situation.
“Ah you got fries already! Great!” Ingrid exclaimed, taking Hilda's invitation to sit next to her, “We just got here from the gym.”
Ingrid had convinced Felix to join her gym and teached him everything, being an avid goer, they even boxed sometimes. Felix just muttered some acknowledgements, it seemed like he was uncertain where to sit for a moment, but Claude being a social butterfly immediately acted, by patting the empty space next to him on the corner, saying: “Took you long enough.”
With Felix sitting down exactly opposite of Demir, Sylvain felt a shift. An inward shift, not an earthquake or something. Maybe a small earthquake in the little home of Sylvain, only a few picture frames falling over. He felt awkward next to Demir, feeling watched, the amber eyes of Felix so piercing. Demir didn’t sense Sylvain’s earthquake, instead the Almyran stayed close, shuffling the cards, since they started a new game, while Claude talked in his light small talk voice, explaining their twist on the rules (involving when to drink and how much to drink), while Ingrid and Felix shared the rest of the fries. When the waitress returned they ordered more fries (sweet potato for the gymfreaks), and drinks with Ingrid getting a beer with lemonade, whereas Felix went for a vodka cocktail.
“That’s the spirit!” Claude exclaimed, laughing when the waitress was gone. Felix only sighed, ignoring him by taking his cards, studying them. Ingrid was very bad at the game, Felix as well - Sylvain winning the round again. While Hilda carried the conversation. When Sylvain was next to shuffle (Demir almost closer, hand on Sylvain’s thigh again, not moving), Hilda tried something no one would dare but her, asking Felix in her playful manner: “So I’ve heard you and Ferdie got more chummy again.”
Felix scoffed, drinking rather than answering. They must’ve just given him vodka with some berries, since the liquid was clear, only a few dark red and blue berries swimming in it, oh well and the ice cubes. Hilda dug deeper: “Hm, so trouble in paradise?”
She exchanged a glance with Claude - ooh their schemes… Sylvain laid his card, starting the round.
Felix, eyebrows knitting together, lips pressing together. Hilda and him had a complicated relationship - they hadn’t liked each other in the beginning, just not doing anything together, but somehow they had started jogging together sometimes- there Hilda must've played her charms on him, since somehow they still met.
“There’s no trouble. We’ve moved on,” he muttered, waiting on Demirs turn, “He’s just touchy.”
Hilda, seemingly disappointed, tried to egg him on (bad idea, Sylvain knew from years of experience): “So he’s free?”
Felix rolled his eyes, his card joining the two others on the table. “Sure, whatever.” End of conversation. Claude’s eyebrow rose, glancing at Hilda, their nonverbal conversation happening. Weird, Sylvain chuckled, attention on him immediately, with Felix’s being the most intense it seemed. Sylvain felt he had to apologize.
“No, not that,” he said to Felix, before in general, “I just think you need new fries.”
Ingrid had taken the chance, stealing some of Felix fries, being caught in the act.
“Oops,” she said with a lopsided smile, but still moving on and eating the stolen fry. Sylvain won again, Felix and Ingrid moved on to share a drink - both not wanting to get drunk. Sylvain tried the dark beer Claude had ordered, but rather stayed with his normal boring one, while Felix and Ingrid argued in the background, not able to decide due to their differing tastes.
Demir had scooped in closer, murmuring in his ear, clearly amused: “They’re always like that?”
Sylvain felt a shiver, the other one's voice was very smooth, what a move - one he had used a few times before, he threw the other one a smirk. “Always had been like this.”
“They’re like siblings.”
“Almost, sister-in-law to be.”
Even though Sylvain had said that very quietly (he thought at least, he already felt the buzzing of the alcohol) Ingrid caught his eyes, a critical glare on her face.
“How’s Glenn anyway?” Claude interjected, always at the right moment.
“Sick with the flu, still 24/7 on his computer, but almost done with his thesis. I’ll visit him next month and in two, he’ll be back!” Ingrid answered, her voice uplifted as it always was when she talked about him, “finally.”
They’d been lovebirds from day one - and when Glenn had decided to do his doctor’s programme in Brigid, it was no surprise that they had already settled on a visiting plan - very Glenn and Ingrid, everything was planned already (with the exception of their wedding, they weren’t even engaged yet, but everyone liked to make jokes about it). Easily the conversation strayed to siblings, Hilda being asked about Holst (the craziest person Sylvain knew - again training for one of these ultra-hyper super iron man marathon things), Felix kind of lost in thought it seemed, sipping on the beer he and Ingrid were able to settle on. He wore his hair half up, half down, a look not often sported by him, maybe Ingrid had convinced him. Felix wasn’t a guy doing things in halves. But it fit him, Sylvain still was a supporter of hair down completely but so there were no strands falling into his face, Felix sported a bit of reddened cheeks (so already getting more drunk?), eyes cast down on his drink, while not moving otherwise. The waiter took him out of his trance, asking if anyone needed a refill, Felix only shaking his head, but Demir and Claude ordered more drinks for them plus a pink margarita for Hilda.
There was only a short moment Sylvain made eye contact with Felix, when the waiter asked for Sylvains order, he declined, caught off guard for some reason, where Sylvain’s little earthquake was back. Maybe he shouldn’t take Demir home. In the past Sylvain had done things like this, taking people home (or rather letting himself be brought home to them), just for fun, which wasn’t bad if both parties knew of the “just fun” and nothing more aspect. But this felt like the worst scenario - getting home to make another person jealous. Making Felix jealous.
Sylvain you drunk idiot , he told himself. What an idiot indeed. Felix wouldn’t be jealous, only annoyed that Sylvain got back into his old habits, the ones he had worked hard on to break in the first place. In the beginning of their college years, Felix had declined Sylvain’s offer to search for an apartment together - Felix dismissing him, not wanting to see all his “partners”, making sure that Sylvain knew what he thought about that. Not happy to hear about Sylvain’s one night stands, annoyed almost. A little voice in Sylvain’s head saying: Maybe he’s just jealous that he isn’t included. But he knew what Felix thought, that Sylvain couldn’t hold back, using other people like others used nicotine or drugs. To find an escape. Never a real relationship, never a lasting one.
Maybe that’s why he wanted Felix now so bad. They knew each other - there was no one Sylvain knew better, but he would fuck up he always did. Shit.
“I think I’m heading home,” Sylvain murmured, surprise coming from Demir, Claude looking up: “Come again?”
Sylvain sighed, searching for his wallet.
“It’s… heada-” he sighed before lying, “I feel bad,” A short chuckle, moving his drink in Claude’s direction (It was still half full), “I had too much, it seemed.”
Concern from Claude, Hilda on the other hand, relentlessly, while stirring her drink: “Weak.”
“Do you need help?” Demir asked, “Do you want to go alone?”
He shouldn’t take him up on that offer, he should decline. Demir was concerned, didn’t push, he wasn’t even that close anymore. He wasn’t disappointed, but… worried?
You don’t deserve him, if he knew. The little voice. Sylvain swallowed. “Yes that's… would be nice.”
Claude offered to pay for them and Sylvain just wanted to go out, escape the amber eyes, the judging look that they probably held, he couldn’t look. They took a taxi, while waiting, Sylvain feeling awkward, trying to voice his thoughts. Normally it was obvious why he took people home. He sighed. Just get over with it.
“I don’t want to hook up tonight,” he said, “... if you still want to come with me, just so you know.”
Demir nodded. “That’s okay. I’d still like to spend time with you.”
So earnest and honest. Sylvain also nodded, not able to say more.
That night nothing happened, nothing physical, no sex, no kisses, but inside Sylvain, everything happened. Demir had asked to hug him while sleeping (Sylvain never was the little spoon), and being held by his broad arms felt good. Scary.
Almost more intimate than the things he usually did.
The next time he saw Felix was a few days later, with Sylvain dropping off a few groceries (having offered Dimitri that while shopping in his district) at Dimitri and Dedue’s apartment. Felix slept on the sofa, a blanket keeping him warm.
He had avoided Felix - it wasn’t like they saw each other every day. But he didn’t want to have to defend himself for his actions - even though he hadn’t done anything that was to be condemned. Dimitri helped him unpack the few things (just noodles and the terribly sweet sodas Dimitri drank for some reason - maybe for the cafeine), the blonde smiling relaxed, while telling Sylvain: “Felix opens up more.”
To me he doesn’ t, Sylvain thought, but these were bad thoughts, not true. He did. He had. Sylvain only nodded, so that Dimitri would go on.
“He is funny,” Dimitri pondered, putting the drinks in his fridge, “He ranted about some dude at the gym hitting on Ingrid, then he was sad, but tried not to let it show,” Dimitri chuckled, “I’m dense on these things, and even I saw that he was conflicted.”
“About Ingrid?” Sylvain asked, confused.
Dimitri closed the fridge, “No, because of himself. He feels lonely,” catching himself, he added, “I think.”
The blonde had started going to therapy, Sylvain still wasn’t completely in the picture of what had happened in Dimitri’s past, but since Dedue had arranged and cared for Dimitri in a nice way, while Felix did the same in his gruff way, he had gotten better. And now he was able to be a crutch for his friends, helping with the things he had learned.
They had to walk through the living room to get out, Sylvain was quiet, but Dimitri talked (quietly at least) about thinking of upping his working hours to challenge himself, but getting cut off by a small tired Felix trying to sound mad, but sounded lamenting: “Mitya,” he grumbled, and it would’ve been endearing, if not for the “shut up.” following up.
“I’m not talking to myself.” Dimitri defended himself, amused. The only answer he got at first was Felix turning, the blanket making a noise, and Felix peeking up from the sofa.
“Ah, Sylvain,” he then sat up straight, as if remembering something important, “You drove here?”
Sylvain nodded, Felix standing up, too fast it seemed on his (funnily) shocked expression for a second.
“Take me home?”
“Sure, take your time.”
Sylvain loved his car - it was three years old and bought second hand but it was paid with his own hard earned money and he had gladly paid extra for the red colour - people may call him shallow, but that had been a must. He didn’t drive that often, only for groceries (his own in the trunk waiting on him), or for road trips. And sometimes to impress his dates, okay, but other than that, he tried to avoid the streets. Miklan had been the one more reckless with driving (never had an accident though), driving as fast as possible (it was fun, Sylvain understood, but that wasn’t his thrill), but as it was, Miklan had , until he’d lost his right to carry a license. Twice by the way. And then he’d driven without one… He probably still did. Sylvain didn’t talk to him, just hearing the news from his parents.
With Felix safely tucked in the passenger seat, hair still messy from his power nap, he tried to start a conversation while backing out of the parking lot (where he shouldn’t have parked, since it was a no parking zone, okay, he wasn’t all high and mighty): “Feeling better?”
Felix, not letting anything show, just hm-ed. Conversation stopped for a moment. Sylvain had to concentrate anyway. On standing by a red stoplight. Well.
“Do you see Demir often now?” Felix asked, unimpressed, “He liked you.”
The second part seemed to come from somewhere else. Was he impressed? That someone liked Sylvain? …
They’d said their goodbyes. In the morning, Demir had gone, they did have a good breakfast, eating at a little café, talking. Like… a normal date. Sylvain enjoyed himself, paying for the food, getting a chaste kiss on the cheek - it was almost hilarious how dumb Sylvain felt, back into his little boots as a schoolboy, when he’d had his first date.
“He went back to Almyra,” Sylvain said, “We didn’t - we just talked.”
There wasn’t much traffic, Felix’s home was on his way, they would be there in a few minutes.
“Why?” Felix asked, “He was… good, interested.” He gesticulated half heartedly, adding, “your type or whatever.”
Sylvain chuckled, fake, so fake, “Not in the mood. I’m just getting old.”
“Hm. Sure.” Unimpressed, Felix didn’t continue. When arriving, Felix thanked him, but Sylvain turned the key, turning his car off.
“And you? Are you okay?” Sylvain asked. Felix shrugged, uncomfortable, avoiding looking at Sylvain, rather busy with studying the board in front of him. Didn’t say anything more. So Sylvain took over: “Well, if you aren’t, you know I’m here?”
Now the floor seemed very interesting to Felix. “Yes.” He pressed out, like a chore. He reached for the door. “I’ll go now. See you tomorrow.”
“Yes. Lo-” Sylvain cut himself off, just grinning at Felix now looking at him, grumbling, getting out. Sylvain let the window down, grinning while calling out to Felix, “Love you, byeeeee!”
Felix just waved, probably embarrassed (hopefully). For some reason or another, Sylvain put on his happy playlist, singing while driving the last ten minutes home. His ice cream probably melted already. Oh well.
Tomorrow came - meaning Felix visited, a new season of a sci-fi show they watched together dropped. Felix liked the plot, but Sylvain bullied him saying that it seemed Felix secretly just watched this for the good looking people (but it felt like he liked a few of the characters, maybe seeing himself in them?).
So they huddled together on Sylvain’s little couch to watch the first episode together, since Sylvain had a TV, Felix had brought over Pizza and a six pack of beer (his favorite brand naturally), Sylvain already had some of his own cold, so they started with that.
“I avoided the internet the whole day for this,” Sylvain said when the beginning intro rolled, Felix chuckling at that.
“Must’ve been hard.”
“I even blocked Ashe.”
Now a louder laugh. Ashe watched that show too (only for one character he related to and another one that he openly thirsted for (looked like Dedue kinda)), and the last time a season had dropped he and Sylvain had just screamed at each other in their chat.
It was the usual, the characters going on a mission, saving someone and uncovering weird decisions from the upper level of their fleet. Even introducing in a new character. Felix and Sylvain threw in jokes now and then, bantering about decisions that were made.
They baked their pizzas, Sylvain bringing new beer after two episodes, catching Felix on his phone, typing with a small smile on his face.
Sylvain sat close, nudging him, trying to throw a glance at the screen. “Someone special?”
The phone was locked, chucked on the sofa next to Felix, a scoff from him. “Nah. Just Dimitri, every day he sends me weird quotes or epiphanies he had in therapy.”
“Well, what did he share today?” Sylvain said while handing Felix the new cold beer.
“It was a quote from Proust, about time.”
“Well if he has time and is able to read Proust, he seems to be on a very good path,” Sylvain remarked.
Felix and Dimitri had been friends since birth, through thick and thin, bad and good times together. Sylvain and Ingrid joined later, in different school grades, getting them to a friend group still in place that day. It had been rocky with Dimitri’s mental health taking a toll in university, but they all worked on it, everyone helping where they could.
A sigh from Felix, clinking his bottle against Sylvains.
“He’s so well he forgets to mind his own business.”
There were no hard feelings, just usual gruff Felix-annoyance. His best friend being the one pressing the controller to make the series continue, later they shared the pizza, drinking more, stopping halfway through the season. Sylvain was content, full, happy, a bit dim from the beer - but still in a comfortable way. There was a ting of tiredness in his body, and his sofa was comfortable. Felix also looked very comfortable, leaning on pillows, with another one on his stomach, almost hugging it. Sylvain had lost the way of conversation already, so he sat up straighter with confusion when Felix asked about Demir. again? Asking why their “relationship” hadn’t gone anywhere.
A joke from Sylvain, trying to get out of that conversation (Claude was better at that than he was): “Ah, you know how I am, not for that.”
Felix wasn’t amused, annoyance written on his face.
“It wasn’t a fit. I just didn’t want to.”
“Why?”
… “Just… I didn’t want to.”
“Okay,” Felix said. And that was it.
Then it was more fun, both of them lazing around on the couch, eating the last slices of pizza, Sylvain entertaining him with funny anecdotes. And then he convinced Felix to drink a cocktail, Sylvain being the bartender, mixing them one, they’d share. Felix waited on the couch, now also in a blanket, looking very cozy. While sharing their (terribly sweet) cocktail, Felix told him about Ingrid’s newest idea: “She wants me to visit Glenn with her…”
“Would you rather go alone?” Sylvain asked, Felix nodding, prompting an idea in Sylvain, “We could go together! Me and you I mean,” He chuckled, “So you don’t have to share a room with them. We could go sightseeing, we haven’t had a vacation in so long!”
Normally Felix wasn’t one to agree so easily to something that had to be planned so long, maybe he’d drunk a bit too much, since he just nodded.
With the last cocktail done, the pizza being eaten, they started to clean up, tiredness shown on Felix’s face, with him being unable to keep his eyes open.
“Want to stay over?” Sylvain asked, feeling more sober immediately, trying to not sound too worried. Felix was in a good mood, or too tired to argue, agreeing. Normally he brought over stuff to sleep over, so Sylvain offered him clothes (extra big, maybe for his own good, wanting to see Felix in those clothes), plus a fancy pink toothbrush, giving Felix the first go at the bathroom, so when Sylvain himself was done, Felix was already in a blanket burrito laying on his back, the phone screen illuminating his face.
“Ashe already watched all of it,” Felix sighed, “and he’s sad that you blocked him.”
“It’s his own fault.” Sylvain said, changing the subject, standing in the middle of the room, “Do you need anything else?”
Felix put his phone down, screen down on the nightstand. “No, everything is okay.”
He untangled himself from one blanket (very over dramatic, seemed hard for him), putting it on the other side of the bed, with his blanket over him, turning on his side away from the middle of the bed. A whole side for Sylvain, or what? He thought he’d sleep on the sofa… When he slept over at Felix’s apartment, sometimes they shared a bed, but not always.
“Stop staying around uselessly,” Felix murmured, “Turn the lights off, come on.”
Well then. Sylvain did as asked. Turning off the lights, sliding into his side of the bed. He always slept on the right side, and Felix had acknowledged that, currently on the left side, how nice.
“Felix?”
“Mh?”
“Good night.”
Sleep didn’t come easy to him. Felix moved a lot before he fell asleep and during it even more, a very chaotic sleeper, moving onto his stomach, to the side again, and so on. There was warmth, but far away, blankets making noise with the movement.
Alcohol didn’t make it better, he slipped in and out of dozing, sometimes waking when Felix moved. Once Felix mumbled something in his sleep.
He didn’t feel too well rested when the first rays of sunlight came through his blinders, he should’ve put them down completely. Felix was still in deep sleep next to him, covers hugging his upper body tightly, the big sweats making him look so small, hair splayed over the pillow, face turned away from Sylvain’s eyes.
With every other person, Sylvain would wait no second to scoop closer, hug, get cozy. But Felix didn’t like to be touched in his sleep. And also - it wasn’t like that…
So Sylvain did what was best, turn around, face away, lay there for a minute, for a few more, thinking, getting more annoyed by the light. Standing up, putting the blinders down quietly completely. Felix stirring due to the unavoidable noise of the blinders moving, Sylvain slipping back into bed trying to stay unnoticed.
“Was that you?” a whisper from Felix, sounding very alert.
“Yes, sorry.”
Felix let out a breath that he seemed to have been holding. “You - scared me?” he sounded unsure about the wording, maybe still sleepy or confused.
“Sorry.” Sylvain again whispered, whereas Felix had talked normally, he couldn’t see with the darkness being back, and he was even turned away from Felix. The warmth by his back caught him off guard for a second, between his shoulder blades Felix’s head(?) was put against, an arm lazyly slung around him. Felix using his own tactics, Sylvain would laugh, if he wouldn’t be scared of breaking the spell that was happening that moment. Felix, the person avoiding touch at all costs, hugging him while trying to fall asleep? Very uncharacteristic. But he didn’t move away, stayed, Sylvain listening to the slowdown of breathing. Now he couldn’t sleep anymore, worried that Felix could feel the quickening of his heartbeat (but he was asleep already?).
His face hurt - from grinning that dumbly. What was happening?
It took him incredibly long, but he dozed off when he calmed down a bit (not significantly), when gaining consciousness back, Felix’s body was back on his side, spell broken.