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This case was rough on everyone. But especially for you. The entire plane ride home was completely silent aside from the occasional half-hearted murmur of the team trying and failing to make conversation. You had failed to save the last victim before the unsub killed himself. Too many lives were lost. Too many young children are dead, too many parents have to live without their children. And it was your fault. You had been the one trying to talk the unsub down. You used the profile and the info Garcia got you about him against him. But it didn’t work.
Spencer had tried his best to let you know that he was there for you if you needed him. When you got on the plane, he sat across from you with a book out and his hand on the table. He wasn’t even pretending to read; he was just watching you. The team knew how hard this loss had hit you, so they decided to give you and Spencer some privacy. Well, as best they could on such a small plane.
You stared out the window at the darkness of the sky around you. As the plane weaved in and out of the clouds, your mind replayed the murder of the last child. He looked so scared. He was the same age as Henry. JJ’s kids were important to everyone on the team, but even more so to you. You would babysit when you could and you became close to Henry, as well as all of the children of the BAU. Jack, Henry, and Michael all loved you. They trusted you. And if they were the kids that died over the last few days, you would have never forgiven yourself.
The silent tears that swam down your cheeks became too much. You finally reached out to Spencer and held onto his hand like a lifeline. He put his book down and engulfed your hand in both of his. You tried to wipe away your tears with your free hand as he brought the one he had to his lips. He placed a comforting kiss on your knuckles before rubbing soothing circles on the back of your hand with his thumb.
You didn’t meet his eye. You couldn’t. Because you knew that no matter what, you would look up and see nothing but love in his eyes for you. Love and compassion and forgiveness. He would tell you it wasn’t your fault. He would try to get you to forgive yourself. He would tell you he loved you.
So instead of meeting his eye, you squeezed his hand and stared out the window as the city below came nearer and nearer.
The team didn’t even bother to try and talk to you. You knew it wasn’t because of how the case turned out. You knew that they knew by now from experience that they couldn’t get through to you when you’re like this. But a part of you felt that they were angry at you. That they blamed you. And you agreed with that part of you. They must hate you. Especially JJ and Hotch. They were parents themselves. They had young children whom they love and try to protect. And when it came to cases that involve children, they are the ones who would do anything to save them.
And Spencer. Does he hate you too? You know how much he loves kids. Henry is his godson and Jack and Michael are also important to him. Hell, you and Spencer have been trying to have a kid for some time now. And you just proved today that no matter what you did, you couldn’t save one child.
You allowed these thoughts to consume you as Spencer drove the two of you home. He would glance at you every now and again and you knew he was trying to figure out what was going through your head right now.
The car pulled into your driveway and Spencer turned the car off. You sat in silence as you stared at the house in front of you. You and Spencer moved in shortly after you exchanged your vows and rings. It’s the home that you two were going to start your family in. It’s the home that Derek flipped and gave to you as a wedding gift. Derek, who is going to be a father soon. Oh, god.
“(Y/N)…" Spencer’s voice cut through your thoughts and you finally looked at him. His eyes were sad and he looked tired. You felt tears prickling at the back of your eyes as you tried to breathe. “Let’s go inside, okay?”
You just nodded as you slowly unbuckled your seatbelt and opened your door. Spencer was faster and was able to walk around the car in time to help you out of the car and to the door. He led you into the house and to the kitchen where he sat you down on a stool at the counter.
“Let me make you some tea?” He offered in a soft voice. You nodded once more and he got to work, boiling water on the stove and looking through the boxes of different teas you had in your kitchen. He settled on chamomile and waited for the water to boil.
His eyes met yours again and it took everything in you not to cry. You were right. His eyes were full of love and compassion and a sadness that only comes with seeing someone you love in pain. It was too much.
The whistle of the kettle sounded before either of you could say anything. Spencer turned the burner off and poured the hot water into your favorite mug. He made the tea exactly how you like it before setting it down on the counter in front of you.
“Thank you,” Your voice cracked as you said it and you realized that you hadn’t said a word since you tried to talk down the unsub. Spencer seemed to have been relieved to have heard your voice after so long. It was enough to break you.
Suddenly, tears were flowing freely down your face and sobs were tearing through your body. Spencer immediately took you in his arms as you cried. You let it all out. It was a long, loud, ugly cry that you've been needing to release for the last few hours. And finally, in your home that you shared with the man that you loved, you cried.
“I’m so sorry,” You gasped out in between sobs. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Spencer offered soft reassurances and a gentle hand rubbing up and down your back as you continue to apologize. You weren’t sure if it was an apology to him or to JJ or Henry or the boy you failed to save. All you knew at that moment was that you were sorry.
Finally, you ran out of tears and your sobs turned into quiet hiccups. Your head hurt and your eyes were puffy. Spencer offered you a napkin and you took it and wiped at your face. He smoothed your hair back out of your eyes as you did this, trying to offer any sort of comfort he could.
“It’s not your fault,” Spencer finally said. You almost scoffed. “I know that you think it is, but it’s not. You weren’t the one who pulled the trigger. You tried your best.”
“My best wasn’t enough.” Your tone was harsher than you meant it to be. It surprised Spencer and put him off balance for a moment before he continued.
“I would have said and done the exact same thing you did in that situation. And I’m willing to bet so would anybody else on the team. I don’t think anything we could have done would have saved Jacob.”
And you knew he was right. You knew that your unsub profiled as the type to finish what he started. That he was someone on a mission. That he needed to see it out to the end.
“I should have shot him. The unsub. I should have-”
“Jacob was in the way. If you had gone for the shot, you would have risked his life.”
He was right again. The unsub was too much of a coward. He used a child as a shield. That’s why you decided you needed to talk him down.
“Was there really nothing I could have done to save him?” You asked in a quiet voice, your throat feeling like it was closing up again. You ran through every possibility in your head. All of them ended with Jacob and the unsub dead on the floor.
“No,” Spencer finally said. “I don’t think there was anything we could have done.”
The two of you sat in silence for a moment, the reality of this situation slowly sinking in. There was nothing you could have done.
Your hands reached out and grasped around your mug. The warmth grounded you somewhat and you brought the tea to your lips. You closed your eyes as the warmth of the chamomile spread down your throat and into your stomach.
Spencer’s phone pinged and he brought it out of his pocket to see the message he just received. You glanced at him as you took another sip. He had a soft smile on his face as he texted out a reply.
“Who’s that?” You ask in a quiet voice.
“It was Morgan. He wanted to check in on you.” Spencer replied before getting two more notifications.
“Morgan again?” You asked, taking another sip.
“No, actually.” His phone pinged two more times. “The whole team is texting me. JJ and Hotch want to know if you’re alright. Emily wants me to tell you she loves you. Garcia sends all of her love.” His phone pinged once more. “And Rossi is sending a reminder that the whiskey he bought you for your birthday is in our kitchen somewhere.”
You let out a small chuckle at that, which caused a smile to grow over Spencer’s features.
“They don’t hate me?” You practically whisper. Spencer gingerly takes your hand in his and you look up at him, eyes brimming once again with tears.
“Of course they don’t, (Y/N). They love you. And they’re worried about you.”
You bit your lip as you tried to hold back your tears. Sniffling, you took your phone out of your pocket and went to the BAU group chat.
I’m going to be okay. Thank you all for the love. I love you all.
You pressed send and Spencer’s phone pinged once more. Texts from your friends came pouring into the group chat and it brought a smile to both your and Spencer’s faces. You let the texts come into the group chat as you finished your tea.
“Are you okay?” Spencer asks, gently. You looked into those beautiful eyes full of love. The way that his pupils dilate slightly when he looks at you, the way his eyelashes curl up, the way they search your face. You took Spencer’s hands in yours as you tried to find a way to answer this simple question.
“No,” You answer honestly. “But a kiss might help.” You offer a small smile that Spencer returns. He cups your face gently, running his thumb across your cheek. Spencer looked at you with all the love and admiration he has for you. And your heart swelled. Everything may seem like it’s crumbling down around you, but at least you have him. At least you have a man who loves you with everything he has.
You felt him pour all his love for you into the kiss. His lips were soft and gentle. The hand on your face traveled to the back of your neck while his other hand rested on your hip. You brought your hands around his torso as you returned the kiss. It was chaste and sweet and exactly what you needed.
When you pulled away, you smiled up at him before he placed another kiss on your forehead.
“Let’s go to bed, Spence.” You finally said, feeling the weight of the day fully crashing down on you. He nods and takes your mug to the sink before taking your hand and following you upstairs and into your bedroom. The two of you got ready for bed in comfortable silence before getting under the covers and turning out the light.
Spencer opened his arms for you to cuddle into his side. You placed your ear over his heart and he smoothed out your hair as the two of you relaxed into one another.
You tilt your head up to look at him and he looked down at you with gentle eyes and a soft smile.
“Thank you.” You simply said, taking his hand and tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear.
“For what?” He asked brows furrowed slightly.
“For loving me. Even through all of the awfulness we face every day. Even through cases like this last one. The ones that don’t end well. You took care of me tonight. And I wanted to thank you for that.”
Your words were gentle and quiet. They put a small smile on your husband’s face as he wipes a tear you didn’t even realize had escaped.
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m going to love you no matter what we face. I’m more than happy to take care of you. You don’t deserve to blame yourself for such an impossible situation.” You sniffle as Spencer’s words warm your heart. “I love you so much, (Y/N).”
“I love you too.”
The kiss that you two shared then was gentle and loving. It was full of the love you shared for one another. It conveyed your sorrow and your guilt and your gratitude all at once. And Spencer took all of these emotions and turned them into love.
After placing one last kiss on your lips, Spencer ran a hand through your hair and gently hummed a song under his breath. The vibrations of his humming under your hands and the gentle beat of his heart in your ear were enough to lull you into a dreamless sleep.