Archive of Our Own

- You're back !!!
MacCready ran towards me as soon as he saw me. Cait and Mickaël, who were guarding the entrance of Sanctuary lowered their weapons when they recognised me. Soon, a pair of arms and a familiar scent surrounded me. MacCready was hugging me and I immediately felt safe. I wanted to cry my eyes out and forget about everything. But I couldn't. The voices around me kept bugging me with questions.
- Are the rumors true ?
- Did you blow up the Institute ?
- We felt the ground shake from here !
- But it was your voice on radio Diamond city right ? Talking about the reactors ?
- Who did you work with ?
And, in the middle of all this, the trembling voice of Mama Murphy : "It's good to see you, darling".
I just wanted to sleep. For hours on end. But I knew I had some explaining to do first. They all blindly trusted me without asking questions. They deserved answers now.
- Is this... Is this Shaun ?
MacCready sounded surprised. I didn't tell him about Shaun. Just told him that yes, he was alive (until four days ago, when I killed him) and at the Institute. I couldn't look at him in the eye and tell him he was the Father of it, the Institute, the Enemy. So of course. He took one look at the tiny one hiding behind me and thought that it must be my son. And. Well. It kind of was.
I didn't have the time to answer. Preston was coming right at me, brows furrowed and a very displeased look in his eyes. The quiet fell on the crowd and MacCready slowly detached himself from me.
- General, Preston said. I'm happy to see you back.
- I'm happy to be back too, I answered hesitantly.
- Is it true ? Did you destroy the Institute ?
I nodded.
- It is, indeed.
- Well. Is it true that you didn't leave any survivor ? That the entire population of the Institute is decimated, men, women and children alike ?
The cold anger in Preston's voice sent chills down my spine. I knew what I did. I knew that I was the reason why so many people died. Not just because I blew up the Institute. But also because I gave birth to the one who helped it become what is was. Still. Saying it to myself and hearing it from another person, a person I respected, was something else. It hurt. It didn't matter that Desdemona thought it was the right choice. It didn't matter that I thought that too, at the moment. It didn't change the fact that I was a real murderer now, that I commited a genocide and killed countless of innocents. I had to live with that now.
- It is true.
The whispers around me sounded conflicted. I knew for a fact that some of my people (like Marcy, Cait and Jacob) would be happy to hear that. No one showed mercy to them, why should they ? But others (Melissa, Greg, Heather, Max) would hate to hear that their leader was a monster who doesn't give away second chances.
Preston had the reaction I knew he'd have. He said one single sentence that hurt deeply.
- You dragged us down to their level.
And without letting me the chance of defending myself, he turned away and went inside his place. The house M. and Mrs. Able lived in, in the world before, the one right in front of mine that I reclaimed. I knew he expected me to follow him and explain myself, but I didn't have it in me to do so. Instead, I held the little synth's hand in mine and took him to my house. The one he would be living in from now on. His little hand was warm in mine and he smiled at me confidently. The crowd separated to let us go, and only MacCready followed us.
Dogmeat jumped on my lap as soon as he saw me. I let him lick my face and gave him the biggest hug I could. I missed this. The feeling of coming home. Nate wasn't here, but MacCready was. Shaun wasn't a human but a synth. My house was falling apart. Codsworth was two hundred years old. Still. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt home.
- Woah, you have a dog ! That's so cool ! Yelled Shaun excitedly. We couldn't get animals in the Institute. Only some gorillas were allowed, for some reason. And we couldn't even play with them !
Dogmeat, probably feeling the interest of the boy, jumped on him. Shaun seemed to have the time of his life.
- You can join us inside once you're done playing with the dog, okay ? I told him. There's a warm and clean bed waiting for you. And a bunch of toys, and good food is coming right up.
- Okay, thanks mom ! He answered.
It hurt me every time he called me like that.
MacCready followed me silently inside. I liked that about him. He never pushed when I didn't want to be pushed.
- Do you want to go to bed ? He asked.
I nodded.
- Go then. I'll keep an eye on the kid and wake you up for diner.
- Thank you MacCready.
- You still call me by my last name.
- I know. I can't seem to shake it up.
- That's fine.
It was one of those conversations, where the words didn't mean as much as the looks exchanged. MacCready was feeling sorry for me. He didn't understand why I looked so sad. After all, I had my son back (or it seemed like it to him) But I looked sad and he was pained by it. I thought again about how Nate would have loved him.
- I'll talk to you after diner. RJ.
He smiled upon hearing his first name.
- I'll hold you to it, Eli.

I didn't dream, and I was grateful for it. No nightmares about dying kids and robotic children and balloons exploding in the sky or husband's shot in the head. No old men on their death bed telling me I betrayed them. No suicide letters from ex allies, hoping I'd never live a day without feeling guilt holding my heart prisoner. Nothing but the sweet and calming void of a dreamless sleep.
I was awakened by Dogmeat licking my face. I was so surprised that I fell of the bed. The sound of MacCready and Shaun laughing made me immensely happy, even if they were making fun of me.
- Come on, it's time for diner, beautiful.
As soon as those words left MacCready's lips, I realized that Shaun didn't know anything of this. Of me and MacCready. Of his dad. Of this home that used to be his.
- You're mom's boyfriend ? Shaun asked, without an once of anger in his voice.
- We're too old to be boyfriend and girlfriend, MacCready answered, seemingly not nervous at all. I'd rather use the term "partners". Yes, we are.
- That's cool, I like you ! Shaun exclaimed. I don't remember dad because I was so young when they took me, but Father told me about how he died because Kellogg wasn't really a nice person. I thought he was, you know, because he was nice to me, and he told me the Institute wanted to use me but in the end, I suppose the Institute wanted me to help the world get better. I think I helped them a lot, they used my DNA for synths and stuff, but then you showed up, mom. And you took me away with your weird friends who look very dirty and we ended up under the ground and the Institute blew up and then you told me to go with you and now I'm here and I tried to sleep but I couldn't because there's so many things here, like the comic books and the figurines and the cute dog and the robot that talks and looks like a giant eye ! And MacCready told me about how you used to live there, and you rebuilt this place from the ground, it's so cool !
Not for the first time, I wanted to cry. He sounded and acted exactly like a ten years old boy, like MY ten years old boy would have. But he wasn't a boy, wasn't MY boy (my boy was dead and I killed him) he was a synth, a robot that passed for a human, something that many of the people here feared and despised. Why did Shaun, the real Shaun, the one who treated me like another of his twisted experiences, bring me that kid ? Was it revenge, to hurt me even more ? To remind me of what I've lost ?
I must have looked strange because Shaun, the synth, stoped talking and asked me if I was upset.
- No, she's just useless when she wakes up from a nap, right beautiful ?
I wanted to kiss MacCready right then. I couldn't talk to the synth and tell him what he was. Not now. Not before a long time.
- Yes, I'm sorry. Let's go get some food and I'll be better, okay ? And then, you'll go right to sleep.
I remember Valentine telling me synth didn't need sleep, but it helped them "recharge" and analyse the informations they gathered during the day. I prayed Shaun would sleep too. Or else, it would be difficult to explain why he didn't do what every human did.
So, we went to diner. We joined the rest of the settlers at the camp fire, next to the big tree. Heather took some food to fetch to the people on guard duty for the night (Becca and June, who always took the first round because they'd fall asleep, no matter what, after midnight) The rest of the settlers sat around the fire and let Codsworth serve the tomato soup and roasted meat. The robot was happy to see me and even happier to feed me. I was starving and sick of living of off steampacks and bits of rats and squirrels. Which is why despite the quiet, nervous people around me, despite the worried eyes of Mama Murphy, I enjoyed that meal greatly. Shaun was eating too. I couldn't help but feel impressed and a little bit scared of the Institute's work. He looked so human.
- Mom, Shaun said, interrupting my train of thoughts. Tell me about the Old world. I know I was born then but I don't really remember anything.
The others looked at me with great expectations. They loved the stories of the Old world. It seemed odd to me, sometimes, since the Old world was only a couple of months ago for me. But I was missing two hundred years.
- I'm sorry Shaun. I'm tired. Why don't you ask Codsworth ? He was there too, back in the Old world. He played with you when you were a little baby.
- Really ?! Shaun gasped.
- Yes, sir. I can tell you everything you want to know !
Codsworth liked to tell stories about what he named "the good old days" but he wasn't really programmed to be a storyteller. But to Shaun, it made no difference. Everything about his own roots seemed to excite him. The rest of the group liked to ask Codsworth questions about the Old word too, and I knew they asked about me when I wasn't here, what I was like back the days. I didn't mind. I was, after all, just a lawyer, married to a military man, with a child. No secrets there.
I wanted to get back home and sleep again for at least ten hours, with MacCready's arms around me and the false idea that my son was sleeping in his room, but I knew I couldn't delay my conversation with Preston any longer.
I let Shaun with Codsworth and the rest of the crew and went to Preston's house. He didn't come to diner again. He didn't eat much in the evening.
MacCready followed me silently. Usually, I'd ask him to stay back and leave me alone with Preston. Those two didn't get along at all, with MacCready being so allergic to authority. But I didn't want to face Preston alone for once.
He shared the house with Struges and Mama Murphy, but both were under the big tree for diner. I knew they wouldn't be back for a while, not until Codsworth's last story for the night. I had time.
Preston was sitting on the couch, Radio Liberty on, reading some comic book I picked up on one of my ventures. He seemed very much the definition of relaxed which of course meant that he wasn't relaxed at all.
- Sit down, he told me.
I could feel MacCready gritting his teeth behind me. He hated to be given orders and, stupidly, decided to stay standing, like the big rebel he was. I sat down on the chair at Preston's left. He put the comic down and cut the radio in two quick moves and leaned over the table to plant his eyes in mine.
- What the hell happened there ? Will you finally tell us ?
- I will. I just... I don't know where to begin.
- How about by the start ?
- She's been through a lot, MacCready intervined.
- We've all been through a lot, cut Preston.
He didn't even look at MacCready, eyes fixated on me.
- You're our general. The general of the Minutemen. You have to be exemplary. And you went on to commit mass murder. And behind your people's back too. You worked with the Rail and only used Struges' brain when you needed it. So tell me. Why on earth should we keep on trusting you ? Why should we keep on allowing you to live among us ?
Preston's anger was cold as ever. I could feel that he was really close to burst, but the first one to snap was obviously not him but the one guy standing next to me, ready to fight.
- Because she saved your lives ?! Yelled MacCready. And more than once by the way, you pretentious prick !! You've done nothing but use her and her strength and her values to serve your cause and now you want to kick her out of her own home town ?! The one she helped you rebuild ?! You're the one who should leave if you're not satisfied with the way she deals with things !
- I didn't ask for your opinion, mercenary !!!
They both exploded. They were kind of waiting for an occasion to jump on each others' throat since the minute they met. A mercenary and the leader of an organised milicia ? They were bound not to click.
- I don't need that kind of crap right now, from both of you, I warned, tired and frustrated.
They were both still staring at each others.
- You want answers. I'll give you answers.
That calmed them down. MacCready even sat on the floor, ready to listen.
I told them everything. I told them and looked at their faces changing through my monologue. They'd look angry, then shocked, then sad. Preston even seemed to forget about his disappointment in me and only listened quietly. About Virgil, and Sturges' precious help. About my first time inside the Institute. How they showed me a synth that looked like Shaun, made him cry and yell for help, and how Father appeared and told me that he was Shaun. How I couldn't believe it. How he, my son, was not only much older than I was, but also the head of the Institute, the very people who took me away from him. How he treated me like an experience. He freed me to use me as a replacement for him.
- But then... How about the kid ? The one you brought with you ?
That was the only time they interrupted me and MacCready sounded like he was fearing the answer
- Isn't it obvious ? Said Preston, sounding bitter. She told us about a child synth earlier. It's that, isn't it ?
I could only nod. I knew how it sounded. Like I was insane. But they didn't comment and let me finish.
I told them about the Rail, that they knew someone in the Institute and could give me an in through him. About Valentine and how I wanted to help synths like him, the ones who just wanted to be treated like they mattered. How Father told me to work for him, his cause, just so I could do all the dirty work. How he'd asked me to be the leader of the Institute once he'd die. How I thought about it for a minute, that maybe we could live in peace, and how I knew that it was only wishful thinking, the people too ingraved in their own ways to change, even for the better. How I betrayed Liam, our in, because I had to destroy that thing, that thing that killed my husband and robbed me from my son, turned him into a monster that didn't even care for his mother. That thing that took countless families and ripped them apart, all just for the sake of a few chosen ones. How I entered the Institute with the Rail, how we killed everyone in sight. How I saw my son laying on his death bed and how he called me a monster. How I choose not to evacuate the people because they'd die anyway, and that I thought it'd be merciful to let them have a quick death, better than let them out to wander outside, in an unwelcoming world, full of hostile people and even more hostile creatures. How I saw the synth when I was going out. How he called me mom, and begged me to save him. How I felt like a mother for the first time since Shaun was taken away from me. How I took him with me. How we left and watched the Institute blow up. How back at the Rail, I learned that Liam killed himself and wanted me to take the blame for what happened. How right he was. How Father was asking me to raise Shaun, the synth, and how I decided to come back home, finally, to sleep.
- You're an idiot.
Preston's words burned. And MacCready didn't even bark back.
- He gave you the synth as revenge. So you'd look at him every day remembering everything that you lost. You'll be the mom of a child that will never grow old, and one day, will realise that he's a synth and won't ever know what purpose he has. He was sent to you to hurt you, and you let it get to you.
- I know that.
Of course I knew. It was working.
- But I just... I need that. Just. A victory. Even small.
- You blew up the Institute ! MacCready replied. That's a victory !
- I murdered people, that's not winning to me, I replied back. I killed my son and all of the people he cared about !
- That's not your son, love, MacCready said, his voice suddenly soft. You didn't raise him at all. He was raised by the Institute. He's their son. You gave birth to a child that was taken away from you before you even got to know each other. That's horrible. But the person you killed wasn't your son. He was the head of an institution that killed and kidnapped countless people. You did the right thing.
- I don't... I don't know that, I stuttered.
- For once, I agree with him, Preston added. You could have evacuated the people, but I understand your point of view, even if I don't share it. What's done is done anyway. No need to blame yourself for it. I did enough of that after Quincy and it didn't change anything. You also don't need to keep around a constant reminder of what happened to you by raising a synth. Whatever that means.
Still. I couldn't give up Shaun.
- I want to keep him. I don't care if it hurts. I want to keep him.
They looked at me like I grew a second head. They didn't understand. They're not mothers. Preston doesn't even have a child of his own.
- Call me crazy, I don't care, I assured. But keep this a secret. Please. If you like me. I don't want people to look at him weird. They'll soon realise he's not aging. I'll tell him the truth eventually. Maybe Sturges can do something ? Or the Rail ? But please, I can't loose him too ! Please !
I was begging. I couldn't believe myself. It worked at least, since both let me off the hook.
- Do as you wish, concluded Preston. I'll tell our people tomorrow what you've told us tonight, but I'll leave the parts about your son. I'll just tell them you found him back and came with him.
I thanked him profusely.
- I still think you're wrong, added MacCready. But you're the boss.
We sat there in silence for a minute before MacCready talked again.
- I can't believe you actually did it.
He sounded in awe.
- Looks like I picked the right traveling partner to hang around with.
He was trying to comfort me, to let me focus on the good things. The end of the Institute.
- That's true, admitted Preston. It's finally over. But people are still going to need the Minutemen for a long time. The Institute isn't the only threat in the Commonwealth.
- Would it kill you to be positive for once ? wondered MacCready.
- I don't know, I never tried.

I went back home and found Shaun playing with Dogmeat on the porch.
- It's time to go to sleep, kid, announced MacCready.
- Just a couple more minutes, Shaun whinned. I won't be able to sleep anyway !
- You heard him, Shaun. It's time to sleep.
I felt so happy. I was pretending, and so was MacCready, for my sake, that this was a normal family and that we were living normal lives. I didn't care that it was fake. It made me happy to pretend so.
Dogmeat went back to his dog house, like the good boy he was. Codsworth went on watching duty, as he never slept anyway.
Shaun went to sleep wearing some long worned out tee shirt instead of pyjamas. I kissed him on the forehead and again, was taken aback by how human his skin felt like.
MacCready joined me in our bed. He hugged me tight, and for a second, I felt back like I did in 2077, before the bombs droped.
- You know... MacCready whispered. Once Sanctuary is really safe. Once we're done with the constructions and it becomes a real city like Diamond city... We'll use the Vertibird we stole from the Steel Brotherhood and go get Duncan. He'd live with us. He'll love you, and Shaun will have someone to play with. And then... Only if you want... When it's safe, and both those kids are okay... We can try to have a kid that'd be ours both... And you'll know what it's like to be a mom... So you won't be too sad when Shaun will realise what's going on with him... But only if you want...
He kissed the top of my head while I nodded. Another kid. It was too soon to think about that. Not when I just lost my son and got a robot to play pretend with. But... One day. Maybe. When it's safe to hope again. When I'll be so strong no one would ever be so stupid to try and hurt me or my family. Maybe then. Maybe.
For now, it was time to finally cry. Cry and cry, while MacCready held me and tried to console me, as I finally let out all of the pain that was trapped inside. And then, when there is no more tears left to cry, fall asleep. And dream about 2077.

The next morning, I was awakened by MacCready shaking me gently.
- It's almost noone, sleepy head.
- Oh God, I'm so tired, I groaned.
- I know. But you have to eat something at least.
- What's for breakfast ?
- Melon and tea.
- Nice !
I was, after all, starving. I went straight to the living room, that Codsworth obviously cleaned that morning. Breakfast was waiting for me on the table. Soothing tea and fresh melon, a great way to start the day.
- It's good to be back home, I sighed.
- Preston told them, MacCready claimed.
Oh, so he decided to be brutally honest right after I woke up. Great.
- This morning, during task assignation. They reacted positively. And they seem to like Shaun. The kid woke up at five thirty, and went straight to Dogmeat. They're best friends now. Struges is going to give him tasks too. Shaun claims he can "make inventions" and that he just needs Struges to give him material. You should've seen the poor guy's face, it was hilarious. He really doesn't know how to act around kids. Marcy and Mama Murphy took him under their wing. They keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get hurt. Oh, and the ghoul, the Vault tek one.
- His name is Theodore, you know that.
- Yeah. Well, he remembers Shaun. He cried when he saw him. He's super happy to know another person from his time is still alive.
-RJ. Why are you telling me all this ?
He never talked that much if it wasn't to make a point.
- You're feeding them lies, Eli.
It hurt me. Why didn't he want to let me live with an illusion ? I wasn't harming anyone.
- I went there you know. After Lucy's death. I went to Diamond city and I told Duncan his mom was just on an adventure. That she'd come back. Sometimes, I'd even find myself believing in those lies. I thought I'd protect him. And myself. That we could pretend that Lucy was out there, happy and alive. But two years later, Duncan found out the truth. That I was ready to let him wait forever for his mom. And it hurt him deeply. He wouldn't talk to me for months. I had to come to the realisation that she was gone. And no amount of storytelling would change that.
He leaned on the table and held my hand. He talked to me like he wanted to appease me, but every single one of his words hurt.
- You're grieving. You kept going on in this messed up word because you were hanging on to the hope that your child was out there. And now, this hope is gone. You'll have to find new reasons to survive. And you'll find those. But don't try to get away from the grieving. You can't escape it. Face it, Eli. You have to.
He was right. I hated to admit it, but I was trying to run away from the truth. I lost Nate. And then I lost Shaun. My family's gone.
- Why do you do this to me ?
I couldn't even look at MacCready's face.
- Because I love you.
That made me look at him.
- You've never said that before.
He blushed and looked away.
- Yeah, well.. it's true. I love you and I don't want you to do the same mistakes that I did. If you want to keep the synth, we will. But you'll have to tell him. You can't be running around pretending that your son's still there. It will drive you mad.
I had to tell him. I had to tell Shaun he wasn't my son. He could be happy. Like Valentine. But he wouldn't call me mom again. Not anymore.
- I hate it when you're right, I whispered.
I brought MacCready's hand to my lips and kissed it.
- Well, I'm always right, so get used to it, beautiful.

Shaun came back with our lunch. We had mashed potatoes and fish and he kept talking with his mouth full.
- Everything is awesome here ! the boy told us excitedly. The people are so cool ! There's the hunters, and the builders, and the cooks, and the guards and the farmers, and everyone's job can change from time to time so people don't get bored ! Except Cait, who's only not bored when she has a gun. She's also always talking to Preston, who seems to be the boss, but he calls mom General, so I guess mom's the boss.
- Damn right, she is, MacCready approved.
While looking at them, I realized how MacCready was right. I should tell Shaun the truth. Tell everyone the truth. And move on. But not now. In just a little while...

I spent the afternoon doing pretty much nothing. I went to the other house, and found that Preston went hunting. Mama Murphy talked to me for a little while, but not about anything else but Sanctuary's latest gossip. Sitting on her chair, drinking her tea, she told me about how Marcy and Jun were fixing their broken marriage by walking by the river at night and looking at the stars like a couple of teenagers. She told me about Cait, who dropped drugs for sex apparently. She seemed to sleep with basically anyone one who asked politely (aka half of the colony) She kept winking at Preston who would act ridiculously flustered but he was the only one who never accepted Cait's advances, and it made her feel like he was a challenge. Struges apparently tried to "open up Codsworth and see how he works" because he couldn't understand how the robot survived for more than 200 years. Codsworth almost cut him in half and since then, they both carefully avoided each others. Riley and Mickaël started hosting game nights at what we call "the fun house" and Theodore, the only ghoul in the camp, was working on a way to produce better vegetables. It was a great afternoon and even if I knew that Mama Murphy was only trying to get my mind of off things, I was grateful for that.
In the evening, I walked around Sanctuary and talked to my people. I was afraid they'd look at me differently after the way I handled things with the Institute, but they didn't. Or at least, they didn't make me feel like they thought anything less of me.
Most of them were already attached to Shaun. They liked having a child around, let alone one that's as enthusiastic than him. I kept thinking about how they'd react if they knew. Most of them didn't mind synths, but I couldn't predict their reaction. Whatever, I'd have to tell them. Worst thing worst, he could go live with the Rail.
I found Struges working on reparing the plumbing system. He was optimistic about the development of the settlement. We only had to finish fortifications, and for that, we needed steel. That meant another trip to Diamond city...

- We'll go together, right ? MacCready The Mercenary and Eli, the Sole Surviver, back on the road again !
After diner, MacCready, Shaun and myself decided to join in game night with Heather, Melissa, Riley, Mickael, Jun and Jacob.
- Can I come with you ? Asked Shaun.
- Absolutely not ! I replied. You'll stay here, where you're safe.
- But I know Diamond city ! I've been there before. There's other kids here, and I miss being around kids. I want to know how's Nat, she was my friend there. And the teacher and his robot assistant too, I liked them !
"You like them, but they'd hate you if they knew" I thought bitterly.
- You're staying here with MacCready, that's not negotiable, I repeated.
- Wait, stoped MacCready. I'm not staying, I'm going with you.
- Why ? I can go on my own, I assured.
- I know, but I want to join you. You're gonna have so much things to tell everyone, I want to see them acclaim you ! You're gonna give Piper an interview, right ? I want to be there for that !
- Sure, so you can go flirt with your "angel" again.
MacCready, like the jerk he was, started laughing.
We were almost there and Shaun ran up to the fun house, where the lights were on and the noise was telling of the amount of people in it.
- Mom and RJ are having a lover's quarrel ! Shaun announced so loudly that we could hear him from outside.
Heather, noisy as always, peeked out of the window.
- Do we start playing or we wait until you two lovebirds are done ?
I could feel my face burning with embarrassment.
- We're not fighting, I claimed.
- Yes we are !
I could hear MacCready's smile in his voice. What an ass.
- Okay, we'll start and you guys join us whenever !
I didn't want to fight. I just knew for a fact that Piper would ask for an interview the second she'd see me, and I didn't want to see MacCready shamelessly flirt with her ever again.
- Come on, now, you're not really serious, are you ? He asked.
I was. But I knew I didn't want to be. My insecurities were the least attractive thing about me. Nate and I used to fight about it sometimes. I didn't want to lie, but I also didn't want to tell the ugly truth, so I just choose not to answer.
- Come on, whispered MacCready gently, like coaxing a wonded animal. You know she's got nothing on you, knockout.
- She's got better hair than I do, I grumbled.
- Of course she does, she's staying in the city, getting her hair done every once in a while. You, you're too busy saving the world to care about that kind of crap.
I shrugged. I didn't want to have that conversation in the first place so I wasn't gonna argue.
- Just. Promise me you won't flirt with her again, I asked.
- Of course I won't ! I mean, come on, I wasn't even serious in the first place, Piper always rejects me and it's just funny to get on her nerves. And, for my defense, I didn't know you liked me when we last saw her. If you'd confessed before, I would have never even consider it.
- That's the thing tho.
I didn't want to talk about it, but the words were flowing out of my mouth with no warning.
- You never even considered me as anything but a friend before I confessed. Piper, the second your eyes were on her, you decided you wanted her. But she wasn't interested. Me, on the other hand... I'm here.
- Wait, what the hell are you talking about ?
We were still outside in the dark, with the voice of Bob Crosby singing faintly in the background on radio Diamond city, and the voices of our friends playing chess. It was surprisingly chilly outside and I crossed my arms around me. I just wanted to be over this.
- You think I'm with you just because you're... There ?
MacCready sounded almost hurt. But I didn't denie that it was exactly what I feared, deep down.
- You know what ? Yes. You're right. I AM in love with you because you're here.
My heart felt like bursting out of my ribcage, but I could barely process what MacCready said before he added :
- You've been by my side since the day we met. Through thick and thin. Always with the right word and the kind gesture. You didn't even hesitate to help me find a cure for Duncan, the same way you don't hesitate every time someone needs help. Because that's who you are. I wasn't lusting after you because I first only saw you as a person who's unbelievably kind and strong and who, for some reason, keeps me around, even tho she's clearly a better person than I am. When you told me you had feeling for me, I felt shaken. How could someone like you, fall for someone like me ? You're way too good. I thought you'd always be that sort of role model for me, I never thought you'd see me like an equal, let alone one that's worthy of your love. I lied to get Lucy to love me before. I never thought someone could know me truly and love me anyway. It took me a while to realise it, but if someone's gonna love me, I'm not gonna question it. Life's way too short to beat around the bush. You love me ? Well, I'm not gonna question why. You're beautiful, kind, strong, a bit of a snarky know-it-all sometimes, but I'm in love with you. And I can't believe you'd think I could be anything but sincerely devoted to you. So please. Do the same with me. My love for you is sincere. Don't question it. Don't wonder why you and not someone else. It's you. Like it's me for you, it's you for me. That's it.
I didn't know what to say or how to react. MacCready had always been generous with compliments and marks of affection. But he'd never been this honest about his feelings for me. It made me feel... Almost astonished. He laughed gently and held my forearms.
- Are you okay ?
- Yeah. Just. Processing.
- Take all the time you need.
I didn't really need much time. I just held MacCready's coat and yanked him right in. I kissed him like I never kissed him before. Our kisses were usually rushed, right after a fight, with adrenaline still coursing through our veins, or with despair and guilt, hidden somewhere, trying not to think of Nate and Lucy, usually failing. This time, it felt real. A real kiss, slow and soft, vulnerable in a way we've never been before. MacCready went pliant against me immediately and the kiss soon became intense in a way that made me feel lightheaded.
- Should we skip on game night and go... Play a little on our own ? MacCready suggested against my lips.
- Sure...
I went back to kissing him, Billie Holiday singing about love in the background.
- Should we take a mutant fruit before ? He smirked.
- I regret showing you that... I whined.
- Come on, it was fun !
- Let's get out of here before Heather peeks out again and we'll see about it later.
- At your command, my general !

The next morning, I packed for Diamond city.
Before tasks assignment, Preston announced that I was going to Diamond city with MacCready. Some of our people used the opportunity to ask us for various items : a pack of noodles, a hair brush, scissors, some tissue, a pair of shoes, shoelaces, biscuits, a radio, a ton of munitions... I realised how far we were of being independent as a settlement.
After everyone went to work, we were left with Struges, Mama Murphy, Shaun and Dogmeat. Preston simply nodded at us as goodbye. He was still a bit angry at me for what happened, but I could tell he was trying to get over it.
Struges talked first.
- You can ask for merchants to bring us the steel, but I'd rather you brought it yourself. I'll bring you a brahmin.
- This thing will slow us down, replied MacCready.
- Struges is right tho, I assured him. We lost many supplies because caravans got attacked. We're able to do this with an animal, as slow as it is. We've cleared the path towards Diamond city, it's almost peaceful to get there now.
- Yeah, I get it... Mumbled my companion.
- You can do it, but stay careful, advised Struges.
- We always are, I reassured him.
He turned around and left to bring us a brahmin.
Mama Murphy hugged MacCready first.
- Don't get in too much trouble RJ, okay ?
- You know me, Mama Murphy. Trouble comes to me naturally.
- Don't try to find excuses. And bring her back in one piece.
- What if, in order to save her, I have to die ? he asked, trying to get Mama Murphy to scold him.
- You find a way to save the both of you !
- Come on, you can say it, I know she's your favourite !
For all answer, Mama Murphy hit him on the chest and MacCready pretended to be in extreme pain. She turned to me and hugged me tight.
- I'll take care of the kid, she whispered in my ear. They won't find out.
I didn't register the meaning of her words immediately. By the time I finally understood what she had just said, she was already telling Dogmeat to let us have some privacy, which didn't make the poor animal happy. He jumped on me to lick my hand before he went away, running behind Mama Murphy who went straight back to her good old chair.
Shaun was looking very grim.
- Don't worry, kid, MacCready comforted him, your mom's a premium fighter. She'll be alright. Plus, I'm with her ! And I'm exceptional at what I do.
Shaun didn't answer, looking down and biting his lips. Would he be this worried about me if he knew the truth ?
I sat on the floor, and put my arms around his middle. He hugged me back instantly.
- You'll come back right ?
- I'll do my best, I told him.
He looked at me and it almost looked like tears in his eyes. I loved him. He was a synth but I loved him, as strange as it sounded.
- If you find one, bring me a microscope.
- Why ? I smiled.
- I'll build something with it.
- Build what ?
- I don't know yet. Something for you. That'll help you.
- I'll bring you one if I find it.
- Promise ?
- Promise. Now go get to work.
Shaun ran away to go help the farmers by watering the plants.
- Ready, partner ? I asked MacCready.
- Let's go, knockout !

The trip to Diamond city was uneventful. A couple of idiots tried to attack us, and even with a brahmin with us, we managed to get out of it with no particular damages.
Boston was a little bit more complicated to navigate in. MacCready would go first, to make sure the path was clear, as he was always better than me at detecting enemies. Then, if the path wasn't clear, he'd either make some damage on his own, or he'd call me up and I'd leave the animal in a safe place before going to fight with him. I'd be terrified that something would happen to the animal while we were away, but with a little bit a luck, we arrived at Diamond city without problems.
We left the brahmin at the entrance of the city, with a couple of guards, but we immediately noticed something was off with them.
- Is there something wrong ? I asked.
- I don't know... One of the guard answered, the one I usually saw when coming to the city. But there's ruckus inside.
He was right. As soon as we got inside, we found a guard sitting on the ground, severely injured. I recognized him as Danny, one of the very first guards I met when I first came here. A few people were gathered around him, and he was panting.
- Mayor McDonough... he grumbled through the pain. I saw him with one of those Institute synths... Piper was right... He's one of them...
- McDonough is a synth ? Oh god, what do we do now ? asked someone.
- You could stop standing around ! barked Clements, one of the guards. Someone get a doctor !
I couldn't believe my ears. Was Piper right this entire time ? It seemed unlikely to me back then, as I didn't know yet the power the Institute held. But now... Desdemona told me the synths would be out of control without the Institute to serve. Was that what happened with the mayor ?
- Danny, what happened exactly?
- I was making rounds near the mayor's office when I heard shouting... Thought he was in trouble at first... Then I found him. He was with a synth. One of those old ones, with all the metal parts... Said something about how they can't do this to him.. That's when they noticed I was there... Got plugged two times before I ran to the elevator... I remember falling... then it's kinda hazy... I'm not gonna make it...
- No way ! I replied. Hold on, Danny ! RJ, go get the doctor.
MacCready ran immediately. I had a bunch of steampacks with me. One would help him hold on until doctor Sun came.
- Try to stay still, I asked the injured man.
He was trembling. I couldn't find the vein like that.
- Clements, and.. Ramirez, right ? Hold him, I need him to stay still, I ordered the two guards.
With their help, I had no difficulty finding the vein to administrate the steampack. Danny seemed immediately better. He stopped trembling and even if his breathing was still shaky, it seemed like he was in less pain.
The doctor arrived two minutes later.
- Hold on, Danny, he told him in his reassuring doctor voice. Let's get you patched up.
Clements turned to us.
- Thank you. God willing, he'll make a full recovery.
- I voted for McDonough two times, complained Ramirez. And he was with the Institute this whole time ?
The adrenaline started pumping through my veins. It was time for action.
- Danny's safe now, I assured. Let's go get McDonough.
- Lady's first, said MacCready, gesturing to the elevator.
As we got closer to the mayor's office, we could hear loud banging. It was Piper, trying to open the door and shouting curses at McDonough. I was more impressed at how fast she heard about the incident and how she got here before we did than I was surprised at her presence here.
- Piper heard me talking to the doc, explained MacCready. Never saw a human run so fast.
- I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW YOUR WERE A SYNTH MCDONOUGH !!! she kept screaming, paying us no attention.
- Yes, Piper, mocked the voice of the mayor through the door. Congratulations ! You've won. I hope you break your foot trying to kick that door down !
- IT WON'T BUDGE, DAMMIT !!
- Calm down, Piper, I told her. There's probably a way to get in.
She looked at us and collected herself.
- You could pick the lock, suggested MacCready. You're so hot when you do that.
- I don't like the idea of McDonough finding me right in front of him, crouching in front of his door with a bobby pin in my hand instead of a gun. But if it's the only way...
- Wait ! Exclaimed Piper. Geneva used to have some way of opening that door. Maybe check her desk ?
There was a button. Right under Geneva's desk, not even hard to find.
- Quick, open it so we can blow his head before he hurts Genny, implored Piper.
- He's not gonna hurt her, I assured her. He needs her as a hostage to get out of here safely.
- Oh... What are we gonna do then ? Piper asked, perplexed.
- We'll convince him to get away from her.
- And how do we do that ?
- By talking to him, I shrugged.
- You don't know her yet, angel, MacCready said in front of Pipper's perplexed face. She can be very persuasive. Although, I'd rather we just blow his head off as soon as we open the doors.
- It's too risky with Geneva near him. We'll try to talk to him first.
I clicked on the button and the door opened slowly. I took out my 45mm and entered the room, Piper and MacCready right behind me.
McDonough looked frankly insane. His eyes were bulging out of his head. His hand, holding a gun, was shaking. He was pointing his weapon at Geneva, who was kneeling on the ground, looking terrified.
- HELP ME ! begged Geneva. HE'S CRAZY !
- I'm not going to be discarded and tossed to the wolves ! claimed McDonough. I'm the mayor goddammit !
- Discarded ? I repeated. The Institute didn't want you back ?
- No... McDonough admitted. Right before the.. explosion, they sent me some discount messager to tell me I've "outlived my usefulness".
So he was a synth that had been thrown away by the Institute, like they eventually do with all their synths. I almost felt compassion for him. Almost.
- Mayor McDonough, I told him with the most soothing voice I could master. I can help you, but not when you're holding her hostage. Let her go.
I could feel Piper and MacCready getting ready in case McDonough refused to let Geneva in peace. The mayor could certainly feel that if he tried to hurt his hostage, we would blow his head off. I could see him sweating from were I was.
- All... All right. She can go... he accepted, as predicted.
Geneva immediately ran away, right past us to hide under her desk.
- Now I'll tell you what's going to happen next, McDonough explained, like he was the one with the upper hand. I'm walking out of this city. Unharmed. With my dignity intact.
- You're not getting off the hook that easy, McDonough ! Piper said, like an echo to my own thoughts. You have to answer for what you've done !
- I'm either walking out of this city as a free man, or I'm killing as many of you... Disgusting, filthy savages as I can !
The man was out of his mind. He was one old synth who didn't use a gun in years, against three very good shot. He was just trying to scare us.
- You're gonna stand trial, I corrected him. And these people are gonna have justice.
- Lord knows you've got plenty to answer for, added Piper.
I could hear MacCready's sigh behind me. He just wanted to kill the mayor, I could feel it radiating from him. Honestly, I wanted to too. But he could give us explanations. About the Institute and how they justified kidnapping innocent people and use them. Shaun, the human one, could never answer those questions honestly.
- Trial ? Please. You know how these people feel about synths. I won't be stuck in a prison while they gloat !
Mayor McDonough shot, aiming right for my head, but I was faster. I saw the way his hand moved, how his shoulders tensed. I stepped aside quickly, and I could feel the bullet speeding right next to my ear. As MacCready and Piper started shooting at him, the mayor lost complete controle and missed shot after shot. I needed just two bullets : one for the shoulder and one for the head. McDonough's weapon fell on the ground, and a second later, so did his entire lifeless body.
- Well, that solves the problem, said MacCready. At least we didn't let him walk.
- He's dead, claimed Piper, stating the obvious. I won't say he didn't deserve worse, but...
I understood what she meant. He deserved to root in jail. It also felt weird, to know he was gone. That this chubby old man was dead. What would Diamond city be without McDonough?
- Whiteout a mayor, the city council will be next in line to pick up the pieces, Piper explained, once again like she could read my thoughts. Let's hope they do a better job. I don't know when people will be ready for another mayoral election. Not gonna be soon, that's for sure. But at least, now diamond city knows the truth.
- I never liked that guy, claimed MacCready. There was always something a little bit off about him.
I didn't tell MacCready that he said this about everyone who was in position of authority.
We left the office and found Geneva shaking next to her desk. I crouched next to her.
- It's okay, I tried to console her. He's dead now.
- You saved my life... She said in a weak voice. I think I'm gonna faint.
Piper sat next to me.
- I got her, don't worry, I'll make sure she's okay. We'll deal with everything, she assured me. Thank you for everything you've done, as always.
I decided Geneva would be better with someone she knew like Piper and walked to the elevator, MacCready right behind me.

He said, while we were going down, that the story of the mayor would be the big thing, and how Piper didn't even think of asking for an interview.
- You really wanted that interview, didn't you ? I teased him.
- Well, yeah ! You could've asked to be payed for it, unlike the first time ! And everyone would know your side of the story, which is better than to have people spread rumors.
- There's rumors about me ? I asked.
- Not yet, but there will be.
I didn't have much time to dwell on it. We arrived at the diamond city market and were ready to buy some steel when Detective Valentine appeared.
- I heard the news about the mayor, he said in lieu of greetings. Can't believe he worked with the Institute. Him, of all people.
- Hello to you too, Valentine, I teased him.
He immediately looked sorry.
- I apologize, how rude of me. How are you ? And MacCready ?
- We're fine, answered MacCready. She blew up the Institute, and saved the world. So I guess we're all good.
- Oh.
I felt a little inadequate. MacCready was obviously trying to get Valentine to react and congratulate me, but the detective didn't seem too impressed.
- So, the rumors are true ? he asked. You did get in the institute and destroyed it from the inside ?
I simply nodded.
- Well, the detective sighed. I wish I could have asked them some questions first. About who I am. But I suppose they wouldn't have answered anyway.
Well.
I didn't even think about that.
It hurt me to realise how much I could have done differently. I could have evacuated the civilians, and I could have looked for informations on Valentine. So much was waisted in my anger. But my traveling partner cut my train of thoughts.
- You know who you are, Valentine.
MacCready said those words with great conviction, surprising me.
- You're a good person, smart and capable. A detective. A synth everyone trusts and no one fears. You don't need the Institute to tell you who you are.
Valentine didn't say a word in a minute. I could understand. MacCready rarely did pep talks, but when he did, they were very effective.
- You're right, MacCready. I'm glad the Institute is done for. The number of disappearances is going to get a lot less important now. Much less work for me ! Valentine joked.
- Sadly, there'll always be work for you, my friend, I assured him.

We got what we wanted from the market and walked through the streets, being stoped every once in a while to answer questions. People knew I was the one who destroyed the Institute and everyone wanted details. Some people looked impressed, others seemed afraid. I usually let MacCready do the talking and bragging. He enjoyed the attention a lot more than I did.
As expected, Piper looked for us and found us eating noodles at the stand.
- How's Geneva ? I wondered.
- Fine, she reassured me. She's recovering. That was... Something. I've already written some lines about the whole scandal.
- You don't say ? Mumbled MacCready.
Piper ignored him.
- Now I juste need you to tell me everything. About the Institute, how you destroyed it. Everything. Oh ! Did you find your son by the way ?
I didn't know if I was ready to tell everything right away. Especially about Shaun. Thankfully, MacCready had his priorities straight.
- If you want an interview, you'll have to pay for it !
Piper tried to ignore him again, but as I didn't answer and MacCready kept insisting, she found herself forced to talk to him.
- I'm not gonna pay for an interview ! The people deserve to know the truth.
She turned to me.
- Bringing people the truth, that has no price !
- It does, and the price is 500 caps, MacCready replied.
- Nobody's talking to you !
They started bickering like ten years olds. MacCready was clearly enjoying getting the best out of poor Piper. It gave me the time to think. I would just give the same version of the story that I gave the people in Sanctuary. Everything I knew, except the parts about Shaun. I'll just say that I found him and saved him. That'd be it. Later, when I'm ready, I'll tell them I didn't know he was a synth and everyone will feel sorry for me and no one would judge me insane.
After negociations, Piper accepted to pay me 300 caps for the interview, so that was a nice bonus.
It did help. My story spread through out the entire Commonwealth. It did wonders to Sanctuary. People feared me or respected me, and therefore, didn't attack my hometown. I got a lot of free things from that kind of fame, and used it to get everything people in Sanctuary needed. I also used it to get hotel rooms for free. I was known as the Sole Survivor, the hero that freed the Commonwealth from the Institute. The way people looked at me, the way they talked about me made dealing with the guilt a little easier.

It took us time to turn Sanctuary into a safe place.
Two years later, it was surrounded with high metal walls, countless guards and traps. We had six caravans that came and went to six different farms, stone-pits and small settlements. We ended up with a total population of forty seven people. Mostly consisting of adults, we ended up hosting kids and their families again after the second year marking the end of the Institute. MacCready refused to bring his son nevertheless, claiming it wasn't safe enough.
Shaun, on the other hand got extremely excited at the idea of having playmates. It took him only a couple of months to realise he wasn't like other kids.
- I'm a lot stronger than them, he explained to me one night, after dinner, worry in his eyes. I don't get bruises like they do. I'm not as scared as they are of things that can't hurt me. And I feel like I don't think things like they do.
I hugged him and wondered if I should tell him now. I had two great years. I finally felt safe but the secret about Shaun's identity was what was keeping me from letting my guard down.
- Maybe it's because I'm from the Institute ? Maybe they did something to me there ? Shaun wondered, his voice trembling. You think they did experiences on me ?
- I... I don't know Shaun, I answered, effectively running out of things to say.
I had no idea how to tell him. He felt so human...
- But I love you. No matter what.
It was true. I loved him. He was a robot but he felt so real. He had all of Shaun's memories and personality. He had Nate's eyes and my nose. He made everyone laugh and Mama Murphy never told me she knew but she did and she loved him too. He was my son no matter what.

Two years after those events, MacCready told me, late at night, his skin still flushed and glistening with sweat, that he wanted us to bring Duncan home.
- I would hate myself if something happened to him, he explained me. But at the same time... He's fourteen now. He's almost a man. And I miss him. It's selfish but I miss him ...
- It's not selfish, I replied, and he looked at me like I was lying.
I kissed his jaw and looked into his eyes. He knew I never looked at him straight when I was lying.
- It's not. Sanctuary is safe. Or at least, as safe as Little lamplight. He's almost an adult, he's gonna be kicked out soon. And he's going to be able to be a kid. A real kid. Instead of a child parading as an adult, trying to protect his friends. You're going to be reunited with him and he'll be fine. I swear.
He didn't say anything, which in his language meant that he agreed with me. I huddled closer and he put his arm around me.
- I wonder if he looks like Lucy.
He felt me shiver and he apologized immediately.
- Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, he mumbled in my hair.
I frowned.
- There's nothing to apologize for, I assured him. You're allowed to talk about her. I was just surprised because you usually don't.
- Well... You don't talk about Nate.
It was true. It was too painful still. Even after five years. I could still see his head and the way it blew up after the gunshot. I still had nightmares about it. And about Shaun. The real one on his death bed, calling me a monster, or the fake one realising I lied to him and deciding to hate me.
- You're right, I admited. I think we should talk about them. Lucy and Nate. Maybe it'd help us...
- Yeah, sure. Maybe they're banging in heaven while we're banging here, he replied through his teeth immediately.
I didn't understand why RJ suddenly got angry. And why he told me something so upsetting while also being hurtful. He took his arms away from me and I felt cold. But I refused to move away from him. That would have been another fight to add to the long list of arguments we've had before. He was so difficult to understand sometimes. I didn't use to fight as often with Nate... I stoped my thoughts right there. Don't compare them. Life with Nate looked nothing like life with RJ.
I tried to put my thoughts into words, to talk calmly
- We're not... We're not cheating on them. You know that. We're not just banging. We're supporting each other. We protect each other. We help each other getting better. That's a good thing.
- ... I know... He whispered. You make me happy. But still. Sometimes I think she's looking at me and wondering how I got over her so fast.
It astonished me. I felt the same way, of course, but Nate's death was only three years ago, not fifteen. I knew that wouldn't help him though. He'd just tell me he wasn't trying to make me feel guilty and that'd just be another conversation completely.
- But... You're not over her. You never will be. She was your partner and you had a son together. You'll always love her.
I quietly took his hand in mine. He turned his head and finally looked at me.
- That doesn't mean you should be alone for the rest of your life.
He didn't answer again. I kissed him on the chest, right over his heart, and he pulled me right there, where I could feel it beating against my ear.
- I know... I should be with the people I love...
- Exactly, I whispered.
- Let's go get my son, then...
- We'll fetch him in three days, I promised.

It took us four days to get ready though. Tom had difficulties making the Vertibird work again, when it wasn't used in so long. In the end, we managed to make it function, and RJ paniced the entire ride. He hated flying. On the other hand, Tom and Struges, who accepted to go with us, were having the time of their lives.
We got to Little lamplight in the evening. The kids in there were bratty and I found myself thanking the lord Shaun was a sweet little pea. Getting stuck with a brat that'd never grow up would be a nightmare.
Duncan looked like his father. Maybe there was a bit of Lucy in the curls of his hair, but otherwise, he looked exactly like a tiny RJ MacCready.

He didn't want to come with us. He remembered his dad only vaguely. He knew he was a mercenary and didn't like how he shot anyone for enough money. Duncan was the mayor in Little lamplight and didn't want to leave his town. RJ kept trying to explain to him why he should come with us, how he found a place that's safe and where they could be together. The others kids booed him and told him they didn't need him. I had no idea if I should speak or if it would make the situation worse. Struges and Tom were still at the Vertibird and they wouldn't come to us if we were not back in an hour. The situation was messy and stressful.
- Duncan, please, RJ begged him. They'll elect another mayor. You're going to be sixteen soon anyway. They'll kick you out !
- I'll find you then ! Duncan shot back.
- You have no idea how big and dangerous the world is outside ! You'll never find me !
- If YOU did, I can do it too ! I'm young and strong and you're getting old and scared.
RJ was very far from old and even further away from being scared. But the words seemed to hurt RJ anyway. This kid made me angry.
- You left me here for years dad ! Why can't you wait two years more ?
- I....
RJ looked like he was going to choke.
- I don't know if I'll still be there in two years ! He answered, his voice cracking.
- You said the place you're taking me to is safe ! If it's safe then you'll still be there in two years.
God, was this kid frustrating.
- It is safe ! But I'm not always there, in the safe place. I'm usually outside on the run, I'm protecting other settlements too.
- Then why do you want me there if YOU aren't anyway ?
The other kids were laughing. Those little assholes. RJ had tears in his eyes and our time was running out. I had no idea what to say but I wouldn't sit there and watch this show unfold.
Duncan was a teenager. Reason didn't work with kids his age, and that was RJ's approach. A fourteen years old would only listen to emotional arguments.
- Okay, I've had enough of this, I finally let out, with what Nate called my "lawyer voice". Your dad saved your life. Multiple times actually. You owe him. He wants you to get out of Little lamplight two years earlier than expected. You owe him that, for all the times he risked his life to save yours.
Practical doesn't work with teenagers. And by the look of it, Duncan seemed to care about things like honour and duty. Still, I had no idea if it'll work. All I knew was that RJ was looking at me like I went insane and the kids were finally shutting the hell up.
- Ugly lady's right... one of the brat whispered.
- Who cares ? She's just an old girl who doesn't even brush her hair !
Those kids made me irk. I wanted to explain that I was on a Vertibird, the wind in my hair made it untamable, and I didn't have the time to brush it back before arriving there, when Duncan's voice cut us all.
- She's right. My dad did save my life multiple times. I do owe him.
The kid turned to his friends and they all shared a look. The others ended up lowering their heads, defeated.

Duncan went to gather his things and share heartfelt goodbyes while I waited outside with RJ.
- I can't believe what you did, he whispered to me, sounding awed. That was incredible. I know you're persuasive but wow... You're so good at that...
I still couldn't help but feel awkward.
- I'm sorry I raised my voice at him. I shouldn't have but he was...
I stoped myself before saying something that RJ wouldn't forgive me. He was his son after all and I was just... RJ's partner. He should get angry at me for talking to his kid like that. Instead, he started laughing loudly.
- Yeah, he's a brat. I was just like him back then. Maybe worst.
- Oh really ? I can't believe you ! I told him with a smirk.
- Hey ! You have to be a bit of an ass to survive as a child in there !
- We're not asses, said a voice behind us.
Duncan came out with red eyes and a huge bag on his back. It looked like he brought the entire town with him. Where did he even find that much stuff to fill his bag with in this hellhole of a place ?
- You are, Duncan, insisted RJ. But you'll grow out of it.
- Well, you didn't grow out of it so... I teased him.
RJ didn't have the time to answer before Duncan asked with a frown on his chubby face :
- Are you guys a couple ?
RJ flushed a deep shade of red that I never saw on his face ever. He kept silent, avoiding his son's gaze, as if he was scared. I understood that he was afraid his son would get angry and turn his back on us if he knew. Teenagers were unpredictable after all...
- Hey guys ! It's whenever you want !
Tom was screaming a few miles away, his silhouette dark against the light of the setting sun behind him.
- We're coming ! yelled RJ, taking the opportunity to avoid answering his son's question.
He turned to Duncan.
- I hate flying but I think you'll like it.
- FLYING ? Is it for real ??

Duncan did enjoy flying. He also enjoyed being outside in the sun. He also enjoyed looking at the Commonwealth from the sky, and hearing his dad scream through the ride and making fun of him. He enjoyed Sanctuary, and finding new kids to interact with. He enjoyed seeing new things he never saw before : a pine tree, a robot, an old lady. He enjoyed going out of his way to help at the farming station and learn things from Curie about science. He loved listening to stories of adventures, about the Institute and monsters lurking in the shadows, or about the old world and the things people did to pass the time back then. He also enjoyed sleeping in his new room with Shaun and play with his figurines.
In less than a week, he got so completely comfortable in Sanctuary that it felt like he grew up there his entire life.
He didn't ask again about whether or not RJ and I were together. He didn't seem to care much. His relationship with RJ was relaxed, but he didn't seem close to his dad at all. RJ told me about it one day, while we were patroling around the city, pushing back some wild ghouls.
- He hasn't seen me in so long... I feel like he grew distant and cold. Maybe he feels like I let him down. He didn't even want to be there in the first place ...
- Yeah, but he's happy here, I reminded him. He's having lots of fun and even said that adults aren't that bad after all. He's happy and safe. He's just distant because you're his dad and he's a teenager.
- Is it normal for a teenager to not care about his dad ? He asked me.
- Oh... Yeah. You wouldn't know that.
I often forgot how RJ grew up an orphan with absolutely no adults around. He seemed so well balanced for such a weird upbringing.
- Teenagers are awful. I'm glad Shaun isn't ever going to be one.
RJ sighed. I knew what he was thinking. He told me to talk to Shaun every month for three years now. It was usually why we fought. But now... Shaun was worrying about his health. And people noticed that he didn't grow up at all.
- I know. I'll do it. Soon.

Duncan and Shaun grew very close very quickly. As they lived together, their friendship blossomed into brotherhood in a few weeks. Sweet sweet Shaun was excited to have someone as intriguing as Duncan as a brother.
- You really lived with no adults around at all ? he asked all the time.
I thought Duncan would get tired of answering the same questions over and over again, but he didn't. They traded stories every day, about Little lamplight and the Institute, and marvel at the life the other lived.
However, Duncan's influence on Shaun was a lot stronger than the opposite. Instead of seeing Duncan calm down, I watched Shaun growing more and more into a rebel. He didn't help as much as he did at the farm, didn't clean his room since Duncan was going to make a mess of it anyway. He whispered secrets to Duncan in his ears during lunch and I could tell it was all about RJ and I in the way they giggled while looking at us. They came home late, and seemed to even "borrow things" from the neighborhood. When Codsworth told me Shaun picked up a fight with Susy during class, (the robot was teaching the sixteen kids in Sanctuary) I decided to have a conversation with him.
- She was making fun of me because I didn't grow taller ! he replied when I asked him about the fight. She called me a "leprechaun" like the evil tiny man in Grognak's comics !
I was already tired of the conversation.
They got along, they got along too well. My sweet son was turning into a rebellious teenager. It was turning me crazy.
- You've changed since Duncan's here, I told him, as calm as I could manage to be.
- Duncan has nothing to do with it ! he answered back. I'm just... Angry.
- Okay. But Duncan feeds that anger.
Shaun frowned and thought about it for a minute.
- No, he concluded. I'm angry because you hide things from me.
Oh. Abort.
- I don't hide things from you, I promised him.
- You said you did last year.
- What ?
- Last year. You told me you couldn't answer all of my questions because there are things that are better left unknown.
I really didn't remember telling him that. That was stupid of me to tell. Now I had to admit to hiding things from him.
- I don't understand why you lie. You always do that and I always get mad but I didn't do anything because I was scared you'd kick me out and I'd have to live alone outside, but now that I know kids can survive outside too, I'm no longer scared. So if you don't tell the truth, I can get angry, and you can't kick me out because I'll just join Little lamplight and be safe there !
I realised only now how angry Shaun was at me. It was in the trembling of his voice, on the way he frowned, and the way he was shaking. I felt bad for accusing Duncan of being a bad influence when most of the problem was my fault. However, the idea of being safe and sound outside came from that insufferable kid who kept telling my son how good he was with a gun. His reasoning was logical, but also incredibly flawed.
- Shaun, I tried to pacify him. Duncan was brought in Little lamplight by his dad. And it is a safe place for kids, but it's not easy to get there. Not at all. The outside is very scary.
- No at scary as not knowing the truth about who you are !
And again. He was right.
- I'm stronger than the other kids. I don't grow. At all. My eyes don't turn red when I cry. I don't bruise. I don't get pimples and insects don't ever bite me. I have really good eyesight. I can also hear people's heartbeat. I'm pretty sure I'm a mutant created by the Institute and that you refuse to tell me to protect me.
I thought about it for a minute. Maybe it'd be better for him to think he was changed than think that he wasn't human at all. It was after all, better than the truth. But I did lie to him a lot and it didn't help anyone, not even myself.
- I don't... I don't know Shaun...
- But you love me anyway, he grumbled. Yes. I know.
Neither of us brought up the subject again.

Duncan took Shaun out of the gates two weeks.
We told them over and over again about how dangerous it was outside. The kids kept saying that they'd have to learn to defend themselves at some point, which I agreed with. They were simply not ready to face the horrors of the outside. All of it was still just a game to them. Guards didn't have to just keep invaders and creatures away, but also keep an eye on those two.
The other kids, the ones who used to live outside and settled in Sanctuary with their families, told them over and over again about how scary was the world, but they still insisted that they were different. Shaun because he was convinced he was a mutant, stronger than regular kids, and Duncan because he was certain his life in Little lamplight was the hardest kind of life one could live, and that he was therefore prepared to the outside.
They prepared their escape. Duncan stole a gun from Theodore, who was distracted by Shaun. They took a bag and filled it with food that they took at the farm. They knew at which time the guards shifted for the night, and chose that exact moment to go through the gates.
No one noticed they were gone until game night started, an hour after they left. Heather was the one who came knocking on our door, telling us Duncan and Shaun were late. We thought they were pulling on some pranks at first, and asked Dogmeat to try and find them. The dog took us to the gate. That's when we started panicking.
- Oh good lord, RJ, they're outside ! I whispered, my voice shaking.
- Don't worry, love, they're probably close to the gates, RJ tried to reassure me.
- If they were, we would've seen them, yelled Parker from his guard tower.
We sent fifteen of our people to go look for them, five groups of three. Section one, led by Preston, went north. Section two, led by Cait, went north east. Section three, led by me, went north west. Section for, led by MacCready, went south east. Section five, led by Struges, went south west.
Jun, Marcy and I didn't find them. We walked for miles, keeping an eye everywhere, looking for footprints or any kind of other clues. We fought a bunch of mutants and went back home, defeated.
At the entrance, we found Cait's team. She came back holding Duncan by the arm, the boy crying. The relief I felt by seeing Duncan safe was immediately followed by dread. I knew something happened to Shaun.

The kids went to where they thought was the magnetic north, thanks to a compass they didn't know how to use. They were excited and ready to prove everyone they didn't need us to survive. The woods didn't look frightening to them, but exciting. Until they ended up face to face to a group of feral ghouls.
Duncan did manage to kill a few of them thanks to the gun he stole before realising he wouldn't be able to fight them off. He started running, taking Shaun by the arm and trying to get him to follow. Shaun, on the other hand, was certain that he could fight them with his bare hands. "Run and don't worry about me, Duncan !" he screamed. "They can't hurt me !"
When Cait found Duncan running towards them, in tears, she immediately went to the place he indicated to her with Riley and Mickaël. She did find a horde of feral ghouls that she got ride of. And the rest of Shaun's body, destroyed by the ghouls, teared appart and crushed.

Cait, Riley and Mickaël had a lot of questions. Why did they find electronic parts instead of a body where Shaun had died ? RJ and Preston had to explain everything to them, as well as to Marcy, Jun, Tom, Melissa, Javier and Greg, who were there too. I was sobbing, part of me refusing to believe what happened, while the other part was looking for a person to blame this tragedy on. Duncan was an easy target : he was the one who took Shaun outside. But I was the one who let Shaun believe that he was a mutant, who could survive a bunch of feral ghouls.

Cait went back in the morning with Preston to get Shaun's body. They decided he deserved a burial, even if he was a synth.
I didn't attend. My real son didn't get one after all. Why would I go to this one ?

The entire population of Sanctuary was aware of Shaun's secret in a week. Some people decided I was insane but mostly, people loved him like I did and mourned him too.
It took me a month to get out of my home. And another one to get back to work. During this time, I was surrounded by attention and care. RJ of course, was right were I needed him. But Duncan also went through a great deal of efforts to make me feel better. He obviously blamed himself for the entire thing, and I knew he had a lot of work to do on himself too. He was grounded for a month and I never saw a kid take his punishment so happily. Preston came to visit often, talking about his own experience with grief. Mama Murphy came by daily, to keep me company while RJ and Duncan went to work.

I went to Shaun's grave after a while.
I didn't really know what to say or what to do. Sanctuary's graveyard was rather small, as we were lucky enough to not bury a lot of our people. Nate was the first one to get a grave here. RJ went with Jun and Theodore to get his body out of the shelter and burry him there. It was a small ceremony and it did help to have a place to go to when I missed him. Other graves were dug throughout the years. It counted fifteen people now.
Shaun's grave stuck out like a sore thumb. It was bigger than any other one, and covered with flowers. They truly loved him, even knowing he was a synth. I bursted out in tears.
- I'm so sorry, Shaun, I sobbed. I'm so so sorry...
- You don't have to be, said a voice behind me.
Duncan was there, looking all solemn.
- You were trying to protect him, he assured me. You were a good mom to him. And you could've let him die with the rest of them in the Institute. But you didn't. You gave him a life outside, and you loved him.
- Still, I insisted. I should've told him the truth.
- Maybe, the kid shrugged. Who know ? Maybe he would have been more careful, or maybe he would have been even more reckless. In the end, we all know that the only person to blame here was me.
- Duncan, I sighed. You're fourteen. You grew up without authority. You were bound to make some stupid choices.
- I should have made those choices alone instead of bringing my brother down with me ! he replied, tears gathering in his eyes.
- If you went there alone, you would have died and the situation wouldn't have been any better. Your father just got you back. He can't loose you. We should have been able to protect the both of you.
Duncan didn't seem too convinced but he knew for a fact that I wouldn't hear anything else on the subject. We just sat in silence in front of Shaun's grave, holding hands. Praying for a dead robot that we both loved.

A form of friendship blossomed between us since that day. We became a lot closer thanks to the memory of Shaun and the love we both held for him, as well as the guilt we shared surrounding his death. RJ was delighted to see us bond, but a little sad that it was about such a sad subject.

I still feel guilty about Shaun's death. But I learned to live with the pain. I learned to grieve thanks to the help and care of all of my loved ones. I try to take things day by day. I help the minutemen get the Commonwealth to a relatively safe state. I try to help Sanctuary progress and become a beautiful city. I try to enjoy simple things, like good music, old books that are still intact, a warm meal and a good evening with friends. I try to make things better, easier for me and my friends.

I'm six months pregnant. Preston gave me time off.
- You and MacCready enjoy some time as soon to be parents. I'll take care of everything for the time being.
He's dating Cait now. She still sleeps around but Preston doesn't seem to care. He's kinder now. Softer.
I usually start the day next to RJ. He doesn't enjoy his time off at all, especially since I became very moody and sometimes snap at him. He doesn't take it personally, thankfully. Apparently, Lucy was worst when she was pregnant with Duncan. But she was on the road, while I am safe at Sanctuary. I might would've murdered him if we were outside. I still love him, but it feels better when he's going hunting or taking guarding shifts. So every morning, RJ kisses me good morning, which I either accept or reject, depending on how much the baby moved during the night. He then makes breakfast while I wake up and leaves.
Duncan and I eat together. He's eighteen now and spends an our every morning writing a letter to his long distance girlfriend : Piper's sister, Natalie. We took Duncan to Sanctuary last year, as we deemed him old and responsible enough to go outside. He immediately fell in love with the dirty mouthed girl who sold newspapers. She thinks of moving to Sanctuary next year, and starting a paper for the city. Piper and RJ are both very against it. They think they're too young. I'm the only one fully supporting of their relationship and Duncan loves me for it. He brings me flowers and kisses my cheek before going to work every day.
Marcy had a baby last year, so she visits me often and talks to me about pregnancy, telling me Curie (who comes weekly for health check-ups) only knows the science part of things, but she speaks from experience. She also lost her son during Quincy, so we talk about that too. About how scared we both are, but how we deserve second chances. Mama Murphy helped Marcy a lot through the process, but I don't have that chance. The dear old lady died last year. She has a beautiful grave, almost as big as Shaun's. I miss them both every day.
I spend my days sitting around and watching others live. Sanctuary became rather big now. We get visitors sometimes. Trevor is here for a week, to teach Heather how to host a radio show. She was voted as most entertaining, and I can't wait to hear her and see what kind of music she'll play. Struges found some way to extract some old songs from the old internet, songs even Trevor doesn't have. He also brought back some pictures from the old world, which I love to watch. Codsworth almost broke seeing them. He has thirty kids in his classes now. Curie helps him with the older kids' classes.
I'm healing. I know that anything could happen still. I could loose my baby. Or RJ. Or Duncan. Or anyone else. Sanctuary could collapse, raided by mutants or destroyed by deathclaws. Anything could happen in this strange world. Where war never ends.
But life doesn't end either. We have to keep going. As long as we're alive.