Chapter Text
"Did you mean it when you said Chat Noir is annoying?" Adrien suddenly asks, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant as possible when in reality his heart is slamming against his ribcage.
Adrien knows it’s unfair to bring it up with Nino. The insult wasn't even directed at Adrien specifically, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it was coming from Adrien's best friend. He was allowed to be hurt over that, right?
Adrien just needed to know if those words that came from a place of anger, also came from a place of truth.
Nino looks up from his phone, surprise coloring his features.
"Oh, you remember that?"
Adrien turns red and snaps his eyes back to his textbook.
"It's just you guys work great together, I would've never guessed-!" Adrien fumbles, quickly backtracking as he flips to a random page. They were both seated in the back of the library, away from any eavesdroppers, but Adrien was still careful to neglect the fact that he was talking about Nino's alter-ego. Adrien stops at a picture of Claude Monet, his most famous artwork of the bridge and water lilies. Adrien falters as he folds the corner of the page, before smoothing it over, his voice going quiet. "You hid it so well."
Nino shakes his head and grins, laying his hand on Adrien's shoulder and playfully shakes it.
"I forgot you haven't met Chat Noir!" Nino begins, and Adrien's stomach twists as he brings the tip of his finger to trace the painting, soft and careful. "He's a good dude, but sometimes he's just-"
Nino goes on while Adrien carefully listens. It's like standing on the bridge, looking down at his own image being distorted by the lilies that ripple across the surface. Each word is a stone, sinking down, down, down.
A collection of them sparkles at the bottom of the lake, pinpricks against his heart.
Adrien is a liar too.
Pretty white lies paint his skin, bleeding him dry until he's soft and pliable. They glimmer in his smile, reflect in his eyes, the softness of his touch. He is pretty like the oil paints on canvases and featherlight strokes of brushes. Painted to the image of perfection that reminds them he is worth their time. To always remind him that-
White lies keep company.
This was better than being alone. (Always, always, always)
But being Chat Noir granted him the one thing that he's never been in control of his entire life: the power to make his own canvas.
It's freeing. It's colorful, it's-
Annoying.
Suddenly the vibrant strokes are too blinding, the glimmers in his smile too sharp, he's too much.
Adrien Agreste was only a canvas of other's creations.
The one time he finally takes control, he ruins the one thing that makes him feel free.
(And maybe his miraculous really does make him destroy everything good he touches)
"Are you okay, Chat?"
Chat Noir takes a startled breath, his eyes snapping to meet Ladybug's worried gaze.
Words bubble in his chest, but at the sound of Rena Rouge's and Carapace's voices, he swallows them back down.
(They know. They each other's identities with your permission. You trust them. Alya and Nino, Alya and Nino, Alya and Nino-)
Chat Noir would've maybe told the truth if they were alone, but he gives the answer that so many expect from Adrien Agreste.
"I'm fine." He lies, maybe for both of their sakes. He doesn't know what kind of answer Ladybug is expecting from him anyways. Maybe so the team could use his words to remind each other how annoying he is, how silly Chat Noir is for thinking he could ever be in the loop with them, that he could ever earn their trust with their secrets.
Silly, stupid, useless Chat Noir.
Ladybug settles his hand on his shoulder.
"You know you can tell me anything, Chat."
Her eyes sparkle like stones and Chat Noir can't bring himself to say anything more.
(I can't tell you anything echos back at him)
"Marinette, wait!"
Adrien watches as a slip of black paper falls from Marinette's bag, and he quickly swipes it up from the ground, careful not to crumple it. Even though he wasn't trying to deliberately look at the drawing, he couldn't help but notice the bold strokes of white against the paper.
"You dropped-!" His voice falters as the white blobs form a person, a tail curling behind the looming figure, the only color on the page being its vivid blue eyes. Suddenly, it feels as though all the air is being siphoned from his lungs.
It was an akumatized Chat Noir.
Marinette's yelp startles him and he snaps his eyes from the drawing. She quickly takes it from his hands and stuffs it unceremoniously into her back pocket like she was caught with something bad. Not only until the drawing was away, did he realize how hard his heart was pounding in his chest. He subtly rests his hand over his backpack strap, right over his heart, to calm it.
"Thanks!" She smiles, but it's panicky and guilt squeezes his chest. "Well, Ihavetogoillseeyoulate-!"
"Wait!" Adrien scrambles to his feet, reaching out for her. She pauses and Adrien's hand hovers midair before he pulls it back.
The entire reason why he was chasing after dies in his throat.
Does even Marinette see Chat as akumatization waiting to happen?
(Stupid, useless, Chat Noir)
He clutches his messenger bag a little tighter.
"Nevermind, sorry," Adrien smiles apologetically, combing a hand through his hair. Guilt tugs in his chest when he watches Marinette's face fall. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"
Marinette hesitates, her eyes searching his and he quickly pulls his guard up with a painted smile.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah," He smiles, the lie slipping past his lips so easily that it hurts.
Chat Noir feels like a child.
It's daunting in a way, to be put back in such a position after the few months of freedom he achieved through the miraculous. Yet he was an afterthought in their plans.
(It's us against the world)
Chat Noir knows that it's childish, because at the end of the day, as long as Hawkmoth is defeated, then it's okay, right?
Then why does it hurt so bad?
Ladybug waves goodbye to Rena Rouge who swoops down from their balcony, before Ladybug turns back to face him, her eyebrows drawn together.
"Chat, we need to talk."
It's stern and leaves no room for interpretation. Chat briefly wonders if he could use one of his painted smiles, but Ladybug just shakes her head. So he sighs in defeat and clicks his baton, closing it in his palm.
"Okay."
So they bound from rooftop to rooftop, till they reach an abandoned little one that was only used in the summers (they checked through Ladybug's convenient bug phone. Chat is still trying to figure out how that works).
Ladybug plops onto the dusty wooden chair on the balcony, and Chat follows suit, with his heart in his throat. She brings her feet up to sit crosslegged, keeping everything open about her. He decides to sit across from her, crossing his legs, leaning against the balcony while using his baton as support.
She wastes no time.
"Are you okay?"
He wants to pretend. It's so much easier to just lie.
"Chat."
He closes his eyes.
"Why?" He says, soft enough to break the night. "Why does it matter?"
"It matters to me-!"
"Then why doesn't it feel like it!"
Chat regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth when he watches Ladybug cringe back, her face twisted in guilt.
"I'm sorry," He immediately amends, because he is. "I know you're the guardian now. You have a lot on your plate, and you don't exactly have the time to be doing much of anything anymore."
"That's true," Ladybug hesitates before she twists her hands in her lap. "But I'm sorry that I ever made you feel that way. I never meant to make you feel like- like you don't matter."
"I know."
Instead of coming to an understanding, it just feels like they hit another brick wall. He suddenly misses the times when they just clicked, wordless communication, just them.
But deeper things are brewing, he doesn't even know how to bring it up without throwing Nino under the bus. But he can't let this question go unanswered.
Because he needs to know why the biggest rule between them is only just a suggestion for the rest of the team.
How was he supposed to trust Ladybug, when she couldn't even trust him.
He hears Ladybug's feet scuff against the ground before they near him like he was something fragile- ready to break at a moment's notice.
And maybe something does break inside him because the words begin pouring out.
"I know that Rena Rouge and Carapace know each other's identities." Chat gasps, gripping the railing before him.
He turns to face her, and he watches as her body freezes, like his words physically incapacitated her. She pales, opening her mouth, but no words come out. The silence creates a crevice between them and for once Chat doesn't think there's a way to reach her from across it.
And for the first time, he doesn't even need to use his touch to destroy something that's already so close on the verge of collapsing.
"Ladybug- do they know your identity."
"No!" Ladybug gasps and his stomach sinks because her lip quirks when she's lying.
He laughs, the sound choked and odd against his ears.
And for once in his life, he wishes he had just lied.