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The silence in the Youth Villa was loudest in the late hours of the night. Jun used to relish sitting in the dark at this time and letting it engulf him. His thoughts were never particularly good or bad by intention. They usually had a mind of their own, flittering from one memory to another. Sometimes, they would be stuck on something Soo-Hyun said or he would smile while remembering something endearing So-Bin did. There were times though when he veered off the ledge, his vision darkened and he free-fell into the nightmare that were his childhood memories. His head would be filled with the echoes of incessant yelling, images of a scared and lonely little boy trying to make himself as small as possible in order to escape heavy hands that lashed out without mercy. At times like these, he used to feel grateful that he was alone, because he was sure that if anyone was around they would see the ugliness he always tried so hard to mask.
But that was before Soo-Hyun moved in and he had another person to share his space with. Not that the older boy was around a lot seeing as he had a lot of part time jobs to get to. Still, he has developed the habit of waiting up for him so they could have dinner together. Jun wanted to turn it into a tradition but Soo-Hyun has told him time and time again that he couldn't guarantee coming back home at a certain time and that on the days he ran late, Jun should eat without him. Today was one of those days. Soo-Hyun should have been back about two hours ago and if Jun was being honest with himself, the pangs of hunger jabbing at his stomach were proof enough that he needed to eat. He stood up from the sofa and spared a glance at the food he ordered spread over the dining table in the kitchen area. He sighed and turned towards Bora, the Hyacinth So-Bin had gifted him with.
“Bora, why isn't he back yet? What do you think is keeping him out?”
His phone vibrated and he removed it from his trouser pocket. It’s a text from So-Bin, asking him whether he had dinner and wishing him a good night. He replied in the affirmative, not wanting to worry her and pocketed his phone again. He strolled out to the balcony and stood there for a bit before heading back inside. As he settled back on the couch, he heard the familiar click that signaled someone was at the door. His face split into a wide smile in anticipation.
Soo-Hyun walked in, looking tall and broad, school bag hanging from one arm, bangs almost covering his eyes and open shirt hanging down. He stopped short when he saw Jun on the couch, clearly surprised that he was still up.
“Hyung, you are finally home,” Jun said, standing up in greeting, smile still in place.
“Yes, why are you still up? I had to take an extra shift tonight. I told you not to wait for me when I run late.”
Jun shrugged. “What's the point of scolding me when I already have? C’mon, are you not hungry? Let's eat already.”
Soo-Hyun had a way of sighing with his whole body and Jun has noticed that he did it when he couldn't be bothered with words or when he was overwhelmed with emotion. He did it right now and Jun knew it was because he was being incorrigible. Soo-Hyun dropped his bag and the boys walked over to the kitchen area. They sat facing each other and started to eat. Jun was usually a chatterbox during dinner. Eating with someone who actually cared about what he had to say was still very new to him and he took advantage of it.
Soo-Hyun listened attentively, chiming in occasionally, his lips lifting in his trademark lop-sided smile when Jun said something particularly weird or outrageous. They cleared up the table after they finished eating. Each with a glass of soju in hand, they settled back on the couch and sipped in silence. For Jun, this was a different kind of silence. It wasn't one that made it easy for his bad memories to take over. With Soo-Hyun by his side, the silence was comfortable. It smoothed out his rough edges. Sometimes as the night progressed and the alcohol mellowed them both as it is beginning to do now, they would huddle closer. Jun's head would end up resting on Soo-Hyun's shoulder, the point of contact grounding him. But tonight, this wasn't enough for Jun. He craved more.
"Hyung, will you please hold me?" he asked in a small voice, already bracing himself for rejection.
To his shock, Soo-Hyun did not only wrap his arms around him, he pulled him unto his lap and held him close. Jun's face landed on the crook of Soo-Hyun's neck and he nosed at the sensitive skin, snuggling closer and breathing him in. He closed his eyes and hummed in contentment.
“Don't do that,” Soo-Hyun whispered in his hair.
“What?”
“Breathe me in. I can't be smelling good after running around all day.”
“You smell just right,” Jun said.
“Smell right? Jun-ah, what does that even mean?”
Jun remained silent because he didn't know how to explain what he was feeling. In Soo-Hyun's arms, he's never felt more solid or corporeal as opposed to most of the time when he felt disconnected from everything, like an insignificant specter that nobody truly wanted or needed. In the strong arms he was encased in, he felt like he belonged, he felt safe and cared for, something even his own mother had never made him feel.
He’d had inkling, from the first day he met Soo-Hyun, Jun had suspected that the person hiding beneath the unapproachable and cold exterior was someone who could be relied upon.
After all, there was a reason he'd persevered after all the rejection he received from Soo-Hyun. There was a reason he'd been adamant about getting him here, in his home, a space he wouldn’t have dreamt of sharing with anyone else. Somehow he'd just known that it would be worth it.