Work Text:
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And you're the hero flying around, saving face
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet
It was seven years after the incident as the boys called it, though none of them could fully comprehend what happened, and thinking about it only made it worse. Nothing was ever the same after that day. All the boys changed after that day, but the death of Neil Perry did not impact anyone in the same way it did to Todd Anderson. No one really understood, if we’re being honest, the only person who had a glimpse into the truth about Neil and Todd was Charlie, and he wasn’t going to start spreading that secret.
Looking back on it, the relationship of Neil and Todd was filled with secrets, late-night whisperings, and sneaking around. It was the best thing to ever happen to either of them, yet the world hated them for it. The world hated them for falling in love, love was “a sin” when it was two boys. Years later, Todd would still be unable to comprehend why the world was so quick to destroy a love so pure and good, the brightest spot in a life filled with unsaid words and all-encompassing thoughts.
When Charlie woke up Todd on that cold, unforgiving morning, Todd’s first thought was to blame himself. He should’ve run into the woods and into that damp cave that made them feel safe after the play. He should have been more for Neil, he should’ve tried harder and asked Neil what was wrong when he so clearly wasn’t acting like his usual self. The worst thing, though, was how no one knew what Neil meant to Todd, no one knew why he was so crushed by the death of Neil Perry.
Of course, some had their suspicions, Mr. Keating was fairly sure he knew, and of course, the Society had some idea. But no one really knew what happened in that room or why it felt so devoid of happiness and life when only one boy remained. The room had once been filled with the love of a poet and an actor, they could’ve done amazing things together. Maybe in some alternate universe, they got that New York apartment, and starred in movies and wrote poems. But that’s not what happened, no the world is a cruel place.
Todd knew it was a cruel place but he also knew it gave him happiness and meaning when he least expected it. Neil taught him how to feel, how to live, how to share his thoughts and words when no one else could. It was seven years since Neil died and Todd had just finished his newest poetry book. A book about love, the loss of love, finding happiness when there is none, and learning that people can teach you things in the most unexpected ways. A book in which the first page read, “-To Neil, for teaching me how to be, I miss you more and more each day”
And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)
And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves
You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
You turned into your worst fears
And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain
Crossing out the good years
And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet