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“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
Rose Kennedy
According to the dictionary, a scar can be defined as a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed. It is a physical, corporeal reminder of the past. A memory that is forever etched into your skin. There are some scars that cause joy, the ones that were a result of a humorous accident and can be brought up at parties and gatherings as a fond yet embarrassing anecdote. There are some scars that are less comical but are still a source of pride for their owner, that are worn as a badge of honour (‘battle scars’ Nagisa calls them ‘because they are a testament to the thing that tried to harm you that you are stronger than they are’). There are scars that are nothing but a burden, ones that cause nothing but despair whenever they are reminded of them let alone when they are glanced at. But then there are the scars that can’t be seen. Those that are embedded deep in their mind and unlike how a physical scar can get infected, a mental one infects . It targets every thought every waking hour and plagues dreams every night.
Karma knows a lot about emotional scars. Whilst they bear no visual evidence, he can see the lines of them in Nagisa's tight smile whenever he tries to convince everyone that he’s fine, he can see the flash of them in the microscopic winces that Nagisa attempts to hide, in the way the blunette always stands guard whenever he’s around people, he can see them blotting through the sapphires of his eyes when he comes to class more tired than usual, in the way his shoulders sag when no one’s watching, like he’s carrying a weight too heavy to bear but too scared to say anything about. He knows that Nagisa is more complex than he lets on, that he’s more than just the tiny one hundred and fifty-nine centimeters tall assassin prodigy with a heart of gold and a personality so stunning it’s the only thing that can outshine his appearance (no matter how many times Nagisa calls himself plain-looking and forgettable, Karma will always have the belief that his blueberry is the most ethereal being in existence). Although he’s had those suspicions for a while, it wasn’t until a particularly shocking evening he was certain of the deep rooted problems festering inside the other.
It was a dreary night of April when it happened. Karma knew for a fact that Nagisa’s mother was leaving on a business trip so it didn’t feel right when his text messages were going unread and his calls unanswered. Therefore he did the most logical thing and went to the other’s house at eleven p.m only to realise that no one was answering his incessant knocking and calling of the other’s name. How odd.
“Well, Nagi, I didn’t want it to have come to this,” Karma muttered, pulling a twisted hairpin out of a pocket of his jeans, “but this is strange, even for you.”
Once he had successfully worked the lock, he opened the door to find that the apartment was eerily quiet, apart from the sound of rushing water coming from Nagisa’s room.
“Na-gi-sa~” he called out, hands in his pocket and strolling into the flat in his typical carefree manner, hiding the way the feeling of impending danger crawled up his spine like an adder, “you know it’s not very polite to ignore your boyfriend’s messages. Hurts my feelings.”
Giving the door of Nagisa’s bedroom a firm twist he was immediately shocked at how empty it was, the glowing golden coming from underneath the door of the attached bathroom being the only thing that prevented it from being completely enshrouded by darkness. He didn’t even think of flipping on the lightswitch as he threw open the bathroom’s door to be immediately met with the sight of Nagisa crouched in the corner of the bathtub underneath the still running shower, eyes closed and fully clothed, locks of blue hair cascading down his shoulders and unmistakable blotches of deep indigo smudging his forehead and cheekbones.
“Nagisa,” Karma called his name, gripping his shoulder and shaking him to get him to react, only for his eyes to just laxly open at the sudden motion.
He looked less like a human and more like a marionette who had been cut from its strings. His bright azure eyes that would always light up with happiness were currently dull and glassy and doll-like, all dim and staring without seeing. The only confirmation he had that he was not a corpse was the robotic blinks of them as well as the soft rise and fall of his chest.
“The hell, Nagisa,” Karma whispered softly, quickly turning off the tap and halting the spray from above. He then leaned over the tub and tugged the boy by his sodden frame, hoisting up from under his arms before maneuvering him into a reverse piggyback by having one hand on the small of his back and the other securing his thighs. The other’s head dropped limply against the curve of his shoulder, completely covering his shirt with a wet patch, “let’s get you dried up, okay?”
Without waiting for a response, he carried him into his bedroom, deposited him onto the side of his bed before turning the lights on. Without saying a word, he opened up Nagisa’s closet and grabbed a pair of pyjamas that he tossed haphazardly onto the bed as well as two towels. Kicking the closet shut, he made his way onto the duvet next to Nagisa and began to gently dry the other’s hair from behind.
“She’s did it again, didn’t she?” he whispered, knowing full well what happened even though the shorter said nothing in return, “you deserve better than this, Nagi.”
When Nagisa remained silent, all he could do was cease his movements on the blunette’s scalp and hug him with the towel still lying on his scalp. When he felt the other melt against him like he always does and feels a cold, damp hand squeeze his, he takes it as a small victory. Even though the small tremors that shook his body and the silent tears that followed made him feel like his chest was dealing with blow after blow after blow.
There’s one thing that he knows about his sushi-loving best friend turned boyfriend and it is that the boy loves stationery; he carries two extra pencil cases in his school bag incase his classmates are in need of a pen or pencil, he has a vast array of different coloured and shaped post-it notes, he has a drawer full of notebooks and notepads in his bedroom desk which also contains enough highlighter colours to rival the Louvre, one of his most prized possessions is a zip-up case that’s filled with gel-pens and for some reason that’s unexplainable and completely adorable, he has a habit of collecting sticker sheets (something the class found out when he gave Isogai three packets of glow in the dark star sheets for his little brother when the representative told them about his knew-found love of space). Armed with this knowledge, Kayano decided to pay him back for helping her study for an English test by buying him a collection of twelve quote calendars, one for each month of the year and all of them about the size of his hand (and no, Karma wasn’t jealous when Nagisa directed a small smile that harnessed the power of the sun as well as every other star in the Milky Way at the green-haired girl in thanks. No matter what Nakamura said. He crushed his milk box because he wasn't thirsty anymore, that’s all). It then became somewhat of a tradition for Nagisa to take random photographs of some quotes that stand out to him or remind him of anyone and send them on the class group chat. One day, Karma had woken up to find this particular one in his notifications:
‘Most species bare their teeth as a threat. As a display of aggression. Of leadership. It is a reminder that these clenched jaws can and will open your unyielding throat. I want you to think of this the next time I smile’
( Shiota Nagisa: This one has a snake on it :D
Shiota Nagisa: file attached
Nakamura Rio: Oh my god
Nakamura Rio: That is so you ‘Gisa
Kimura Masayoshi: How is it that you are both terrifying and cute at the same time
Sugino Tomohito: Don’t call my bestie terrifying
Akabane Karma: Don’t call my boyfriend cute
Maehara Hiroto: Nagisa is a Slytherin confirmed lol
Sugino Tomohito: What?!
Sugino Tomohito: No way he’s a Hufflepuff like me
Akabane Karma: Nah he’s a Slytherin
Akabane Karma: Trust me on this)
It is true that Nagisa's smile hides hidden blades. That the sweet, innocent little curve of his lips can seamlessly mask any incoming attack - almost like a wet shivering kitten that can spit the venom of a viper. However, it also hides more pain than anyone could ever imagine. And sometimes it physically hurts to see someone as kind and gentle as him looking so brittle, forming so many cracks in his carefully crafted mask of ‘I’m fine’ that breaking seems spontaneous at any given moment.
And the reason why he jolts out of bed at three a.m when he hears the sounds of crashing and shattering outside of Nagisa’s bedroom (don’t you just love it when your boyfriend’s controlling parent leaves the city for a week so you can have sleepovers every day) as well as the distinctive lack of Nagisa himself in his arms. Whining at the uncomfortable coldness, he found the boy himself frantically gathering pieces of broken glass, ignoring his own injured and blood-stained hands (which, Karma was quick to deduce, was probably the result of said broken glass)
Nagisa’s head shot up when he heard the redhead approaching, eyes wide and expression screaming deer in headlights. He was quick to stutter out, “I-I just wanted t-to get some water and the-then-”
“Hey,” Karma crouched down in front of him, swiping a cloth from a countertop and immediately wrapping it around his palms, “it’s okay, Nagisa. It happens to all of us.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I-I didn’t mean to be so loud. I never break anything, I don’t know what happened to me.”
“Sshh, it’s okay. I’m not mad, okay. You don’t need to explain yourself.”
“Karma,” Nagisa sighs and Karma is quick to pull him into an embrace because that boy’s skin may be littered with invisible scars, but to hell with it if he can’t do his best to be there for him.