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He stood in the mirror, sneer firmly in place looking a ribs that protruded from his sides and hip bones that stuck out. Skin stretched connecting bone with a thin layer of flesh. He stomach churned. Filled with nothing but disgust at the fat that dared stay on his body. He practiced every day, jogged every morning, skipped meals, and any that he dared eat to keep up appearances came back up. And yet still the fat seemed to cling. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cut the fat from his body. He couldn’t stand to stare at himself longer, slipping into the bathroom across the hall. He sat on his knees before the toilet, sliding his hand down his throat he let the acidic bile rise up and into the bowl.
Tsukishima stood up flushing the toilet before going to the sink and cleaning his mouth out with mouth wash. He couldn’t even look at his reflection in the mirror, too afraid of what he would see there. Something ugly. Something disgusting. Something fat. His stomach grumbled, pleading for food, food that Tsukishima would deny himself until he was beautiful. As he slips into bed a mantra lulls him to sleep. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be beautiful. Tomorrow I can stop.
Tomorrow he wakes up still the same as he was the night before. He dresses without looking in the mirror, knowing that if he does he won’t leave for school. His hands shake as he puts his clothes on, layering so people can’t see the fat that hides on his body.
Tsukishima hasn’t always been that way. He remembers someone saying something about how for his height he sure was chubby. He remembers reading about diets where one starves themselves or throws up to lose weight. He remembers losing his first couple pounds. He remembers happiness. He remembers not being able to stop. He remembers crying when he looked in the mirror. He remembers disgust. He remembers a lot and he thinks that by now, he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to, which he didn’t. He was so close. He wasn’t sure what the ideal would be but he thought he would know when he reached it.
Grabbing his bag he left for school.
As usual it proceeded the same. He listened to Yamaguchi ramble on about the new movie he watched and how his next door neighbor really needed to learn what fashion was. It quieted the whispers of his weight in his head. At lunch he ate with Yamaguchi, staring down anyone that looked their way. He ate a tiny bit of rice. He didn’t want to pass out during practice after all.
When practice came around his body felt sluggish. As usual he ignored it. Trying to focus on others conversations and make sarcastic responses in chime with Yamaguchi’s calls of Tsukki’s.
But as practice came to an end it was time to change. He hated this time most. People could see the fat on his stomach. No one ever commented, not until today though.
“Tsukishima’s body looks kind of weird, doesn’t it?” Hinata whispered to Kageyama. Except it wasn’t whispered, it was Hinata after all. That prodded the other players to look over at Tsukishima. Yamaguchi didn’t look. He stared straight at the locker as he babbled to Tsukishima.
Panic rose in the tall blonde. Bile built in the back of his throat and he threw his clothes on rushing out the door with a slam of his locker. He couldn’t breathe. He felt constricted. His thoughts rushed in a blur of words. Theynoticedthefattheysawmeiamdisgustingyamaguchicouldntevenlookatmeimgross.
He slammed his body into the bathroom door, desperate for a toilet. He needed to throw up. To get rid of the carbohydrates and sugars that made him disgusting. He barely reached the toilet before the vomit came up. His body was shaking and he felt his face was damp, with tears or sweat he did not know. Both probably.
He threw up all that was in his stomach and when that was all gone he dry heaved, chocked sobs filling the moments in between.
Hands grabbed his shoulders pulled him away from the toilet and into their body. Tsukishima couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but cry.
“It’s okay, I’m here. It will be alright. You’re not fat I swear.” Yamaguchi’s voice whispered.
“That’s a lie.” Tsukishima choked out.
“It isn’t I promise. Your body is beautiful, I love it. You’re beautiful.” Yamaguchi whispered the last sentence over and over until Tsukishima calmed down.
As Yamaguchi held him and stoked his back he came to a realization.
“I need to stop this.” He whispered into Yamaguchi’s chest. He felt Yamaguchi nod against his head.
“I will help you.” Yamaguchi pulled back, looking into Tsukishima’s eyes and cupped his face in his hands. “We will get you help. It will be okay.” Tsukishima nodded at Yamaguchi’s surety. He leaned forward into Yamaguchi’s hold once more, calmed by Yamaguchi rubbing soothing circles on his back and soft humming.
Yamaguchi’s words kept ringing in his head.
It will be okay.