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Remus should have noticed something had changed. He should have noticed that he was sitting closer to Sirius. He should have noticed the way his pulse jumped and his skin burned when they touched. He should have noticed that the touched more. James shouldn’t have noticed first.
It was the day of the full moon. Remus was in potions. He and Sirius were working on the draught of living death. The ingredients were putrid. Remus felt like throwing up. He and Sirius stood shoulder to shoulder. He could feel the muscles in Sirius’ arms working. Remus thought it was the close proximity to the fire that made him warm. The smell was too much. The coming moon made his knees weak and his brain felt like cotton wool.
“Sir can I go to the hospital wing?”
Professor Slughorn nodded.
“Do you need me to come with you?” Sirius asked.
Remus shook his head but stumbled when he took a step.
“That’s a yes then.” Sirius stood and helped steady him.
“Thanks” Remus let himself collapse onto Sirius.
They walked in silence, only stopping when Remus’ body demanded it.
“Are you gonna be alright?”
“Yeah I always am,” he paused and leant into Sirius to whisper, “especially since you guys started coming”
Sirius’ wicked grin made the long walk worth it. “Moon rise is at 6 right?”
“You’ve not been wrong in years.”
“See you at 6.05.”
Sirius winked as he walked away, and Remus didn’t have the brain space to try and understand it.
After class James came to visit him. This wasn’t uncommon, the Marauders didn’t like leaving him alone. But they normally came as a group. Something was different.
“Remus can I talk to you?”
Scratch that something was wrong.
“Yeah, sure.”
Instead of making himself comfortable on Remus’ bed he took the hard plastic chair. Something was very wrong.
“Did you notice something had changed?”
Remus wracked his brains. James took this silence and elaborated.
“Between you and Sirius?”
Remus had to much cotton wool on his head to think. “No...”
“You don’t sound sure.”
“‘Cause I’m not. It’s Sirius, stuff changes.”
“Yeah he changes whether he’s gonna steal your sausages or bacon, not how close he sits to you.”
Remus started to feel panicky, but James was on a roll. “You don’t go red this often, or lean on Sirius so much.”
“It’s a bad moon.” Even to Remus the argument sounded weak.
“Or you like each other.”
“James that’s ridiculous.”
“Tell me you don’t like him like that then.”
“I don’t.” Remus felt himself go red and he couldn’t meet James’ eye.
“Say I don’t like Sirius.”
“What does that matter?”
“It’s okay, Remus. I don’t care.”
“There’s nothing to care about.”
“Half of Hogwarts has been in love with Sirius, it’s alright.”
“I’m not in love with Sirius!” Remus’ shout echoed around the hospital wing.
James smiled knowingly, “You just won’t say it.”
That night, no one came through the trapdoor. At some point, Moony has smelt two people. One smelt new, the other like pack. Moony clawed desperately at the trapdoor but the people disappeared without a trace. In frustration Moony ripped himself apart, despite his whimpers the pack stayed away. Moony howled until his throat burned but he remained alone.
Remus woke up in pain. It was all he was aware off. It weighed on him like a lead blanket. He struggled to move is eyelids. The tiniest movement was enough to have Madam Pomfrey at his side. That wasn’t good.
“How are you?” She asked, propping him up so he could take a potion. He winced and would’ve screamed if his throat hadn’t been so sore.
The potion smelled good, like the air before it rained and melting chocolate. Remus felt the cup at his lips then a moment later the blissfully cool potion was swallowed and he was aware of more than just pain.
The first thing he noticed was that there was only one other person in the ward with him. The next was that the sun was bright and strong as it streamed through the window. It was midday. The final thing he noticed was that he was behind a closed door not out in the rest of the hospital.
The potion had taken full effect and Remus could open his eyes. He saw a mop of scruffy black hair stood in the corner. Remus had a moment of disappointment when he realised it was James. Where was everyone else?
“Remus? Do you remember last night?”
Remus. His first name again, something was wrong. That’s what Remus meant today.
“No I don’t ever remember it.”
“I’m sorry I have to tell you this then. Sirius went to far last night.”
Remus did his best to pay attention, it didn’t help that the potion made him sleepy. James told him how Sirius had gotten drunk and run into Snape. He told him how they’d fought and Sirius had told Snape how to get into the shack. How it was only because Sirius had run into James that he’d been able to save Snape and Remus. James told him how Sirius had betrayed Remus’ trust.
The first thing Remus said was “Gee this sure makes yesterday’s conversation awkward.”
“Yeah,” James rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m sorry about that, about all of it.”
“It’s alright, it doesn’t matter now anyway. It didn’t matter before” he added hastily.
“Remus it’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“Liking Sirius is okay.”
“No it’s not! I trusted him and he threw it all away! It doesn’t matter what I was or could’ve felt!” Remus took a deep breath, “Can you go please?”
James nodded and left in silence.
Remus still wasn’t better when the sun set. He was to tired to be bored and found himself slipping in and out of sleep. At some point Madam Pomfrey asked whether he was up to having a visitor. Remus had thought it would be James and nodded.
Sirius stepped through the door. Remus felt a ball of anger solidify in his chest.
“Hey Moony.” He said casually.
“Don’t.” Remus said firmly.
“Don’t what Moons?”
“Don’t call me that. Moony is a name my friends call me.”
Sirius stepped closer, he smelt of booze “Moony, let me explain.”
“No Sirius. I don’t care.”
“I messed up-”
Remus cut him off. “Yeah you did, I don’t want your apology or your explanation because if I hear that I’ll forgive you. Do you know what you mean to me? Meant even? Yeah I’m not doing this right now.”
“Moony please?”
“I said don’t, Sirius. Get out.”
Sirius looked ready to argue but Remus’ face made him walk away. “I’m sorry.” He said.
“I don’t care.”
With Sirius gone Remus burst into tears. He wanted to call him back and hear what had happened. But he knew he couldn’t. What could have been didn’t matter. The idea James had suggested was nothing but a joke. Remus wasn’t in love. The very idea made him laugh, he must’ve sounded insane. Laughing while he sobbed so much he thought his body might snap in two. James had been right, he wouldn’t say it.
Remus spent another three days in that hospital bed. When he got out James and Peter pretended Sirius didn’t exist, and Remus tried to ignore the permanently empty bed in their dorm. Remus had learned his lesson. He and Sirius couldn’t go back to normal.